Clusterfuck

"I remember when we were gambling to win

Everybody else said better luck next time

I don't wanna bend, Let the bad girls bend

I just wanna be your friend

Is it ever gonna be enough?"

-Gold Gun Girls by Metric

"Where are we going?" Asks Chloé, once it's suddenly apparent that no, she did not die and no, she's not just being plopped down somewhere random to fend for herself. "Is there like, a safe space or are you taking me home or what-, cause like, I wouldn't mind going home but also I can totally help just tell me what-"

"I don't have time for this Chloé." Ladybug says- no interrupts like it's really just some burden to listen to what she has to do,. Kind of one handedly gestures at all of Paris. Or really… what's left of it? S'not exactly living up to it's city of love reputation right now what with the smoke, and crumbling buildings and the akuma blocking out the sun.

She looks exhausted- Ladybug, not Chloé, although Chloé's most certainly feeling the effects of tonight- what little she can see of her face through the mask is drawn out and pale and her words are slurring just a little. Like she'd clearly been tired before, but it's a thousand times worse, because this whole fucking experience has that effect on things.

"I know okay, but I left Sabrina in a boutique somewhere and we should probably go back for her, like eventually or something? Also I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm sort of Queen Bee. So you can put me down now if you want." Not that it's not really nice holding on to you swinging through Paris, but I'm totally capable of flying back into battle myself so...

(She's babbling, She know's she's babbling but she's nervous and a little excited and she's been waiting for this for forever? Like maybe not the whole being swept into the air thing - which is sort of a plus, and maybe not the whole Hawkmoth thing, but the miraculous yes and maybe she can fix it okay if Ladybug will listen and just let her apologize and maybe talk things out a little? Whatever it doesn't matter. )

"Wait what?" Ladybug says, and they both jerk to the side as she tries to avoid smacking them both into a sudden wall.

"I left Sabrina in a boutique somewhere?" Says Chloé, because if there was one thing Queen Bee was definitely not (aside from being anything close to a hero) was subtle.

"No- no I got that." Ladybug says, and drops Chloé unceremoniously down in front of the Collège. Her nose is wrinkling in confusion. Maybe disgust. Actually- scratch that it is disgust. Like the idea of Queen Bee and Chloé being the same person is the worst thing in the world.

Way to spare your true feelings, Marinette. Chloé thinks, a little bitterly, but she can't quite blame Ladybug all that much. She sort of hates Chloé too. Like more like a lot. Like more like a lot a lot.

"What- that I'm Queen Bee?" Chloé says. (Her heart is pounding- disgust curling in her stomach… something in the way Ladybug's looking at her, the things she seems to be implying…) She's trying to regain some of the confidence she's gotten back earlier, but it's not working, it's not helping- she can't bluster her way through this and act like there's something different about her.

(People like me don't change.)

(Villains don't get happy endings.)

Ladybug steps back a bit, her face contorting from confusion to disgust, and maybe a bit of horror, but it's certainly not positive and it's certainly not helping things and oh- fuck what was Chloé even thinking? She should never have said anything, never have thought that Ladybug would take it well at all.

There are a thousand emotions flashing in Ladybug's eyes- anger and resentment and fear, things with names and without, and she gets it- she really does. If their roles were swapped, she's pretty sure that she'd feel the same things that Ladybug's feeling.

"You shot Chat. You shot him. On purpose- you bullied me for years- You made my life hell, akumatized half the class….." Says Ladybug, only it's Marinette speaking- completely and wholeheartedly.

Chloé's face burns, and she shifts her gaze. She knows this, she regrets it completely, she swears it alright so stop bringing it up!

(This is humiliating. She hates this, hates having to stoop so low, hates that her thoughts are this awful, that she can't just snap her fingers and be done with it all.)

"I know though? Like I realize this alright- I know it was wrong and I'm sorry but we don't have time for this? "

(It's an apology. She's not supposed to like it. It's not about you, stop making it!)

Ladybug mutters something about Fu and sanctuary and protection and also something about choices- but whatever it is, it's not nice at all. She seems lost in thought for a second- absolutely furious, like too angry to speak, and it breaks Chloé's heart more than a little.

(Why are you surprised- you knew this was going to happen going in.)

(Stop being the literal worse and just let Ladybug talk.)

Then Ladybug looks at her- like really looks at her, and Chloé kind of slinks back towards the door because there's something so raw about the way Marinette's doing it.

"You're right." She says, softly at first. "I don't have time for this."

No….

No that's not- that's not what she meant- Ladybug can't- she can't actually be serious like Chloé knows she said that and that she had a point but this is not how this was supposed to go at all and-

Fuck. This is Antibug all over again- only a million times worse.

She's not even in the right, here.

She deserves this!

Ladybug leaves, swings off and Chloé's alone and everything is quiet.

She sits down on the front steps. Ignores the smell of smoke filling the air, the akuma victims, the chaos, just sits there with her head in her hands and trying not to cry. (Swallowing and swallowing all the negative thoughts until there's nothing left, and her throat's burning and her head's hurting and the world's spinning.)

There is a crisis literally going on. She can't afford to make this about her.

A few minutes later when she's regained something close to self control, she stands up and walks inside. Makes her way to Mme Bustier's. She could use the familiarity right now, and maybe a few minutes of safety while she figures out some sort of plan would be good for her.

Focus on the basics. Yeah. She can do that.

The halls are empty but Mme Bustier's room isn't.

Chloé doesn't say anything as she slips inside, just finds a corner and sits down.

She winces as she takes off her shoes, the blisters that now line her soles and heels protesting. She tries not to look directly at them, the clear liquid oozing out, the blood, bits of skin. Using the desk as support, she stands up again and limps over to Mme Bustier's desk, trying not to bleed all over the floor. She grabs a handful of tissues before plopping down in Bustier's chair, and tries not to cringe from the pain as she blots away at her feet. She needs proper bandages, a ton of neosporin too, and she really really would not say no to some painkillers, but she's not gonna get that is she so she's gotta suck it up. She's already tearing up a little. She can't be weaker than she already is.

(All of this is your fault. You shouldn't be so emotionally manipulative.)

(You can't fix this. You can try but it won't work.)

Alya's watching her every move, her arms crossed, her feet tapping. She's absolutely silent, her face completely unreadable- but it's not quite negative and it's not quite positive so that's something.

Chloé thinks about giving a little wave, but stops. Alya has never once wanted anything to do with Chloé. She's not gonna start now.

She takes in a shuddering breath, and turns away quickly, focusing on her feet, on her fellow classmates, on anything else instead. Not Alya, not Alya. (Just looking at her makes her her chest ache, makes her stomach turn with guilt. )

(All her fault, all her fault.)

Lila won't make eye contact. She's leaning against Nathanael, her head touching his, staring intently at her phone. (He's terribly stiff- she swears he's been sketching that same line that he was when she walked in.) Rose is playing with Juleka's hair, Mylène's in a corner trying not to cry. There's Nino too, and Max, and Alix who's pacing impatiently-or maybe she's worried, it's hard to tell with her.

She looks around for Adrien but he's nowhere to be found. Figures. His father probably has him on lockdown.

She hopes he's safe.

Eventually, Sabrina stumbles in, shaking and sobbing, Marinette not far behind. Chloé starts to stand, their eyes meeting, but something in Marinette's makes her stop and she sits back down.

Not now Chloé. We'll deal with this later, Chloé. I don't have time for your bullshit, Chloé.

And a part of it infuriates her. Because she's trying, she's trying so damn hard to fix everything. Because it's been a long night, and she's exhausted, and she's in pain, and it's all too much but it can't be, because she's trying to fix things.

She's trying so hard to get where Marinette's going for, like she wouldn't trust her either, but she's gonna have to if they are going to get out of here in one piece. Like she doesn't deserve forgiveness, she doesn't deserve happiness, she knows that.

She just needs to try harder.

Ladybug had said something about Fu protecting them, providing sanctuary- whatever it doesn't matter, he's here right? And he's got to know something. Like she'll take anything at this point, can't just sit there doing nothing. (Not when it's all her fault, not when it's her responsibility to fix things to fix this.)

She hasn't heard a word from Zeezle either.

The thought makes her blood run cold, because as miserable as Chloé is, Zeezle's gotta be a thousand times worse, and it's her fault- what if it's serious? What if she needs medical attention and Chloé's been preoccupied with what? A couple of blisters? Alya not giving her the time of day? Ridiculous. Selfish and absolutely ridiculous.

She's deplorable.

She doesn't bother to tell Marinette what she's doing- (if Ladybug wanted to do more than rescue citizens and ignore Chloé's feeble attempts at communication, she can, like that's her business)- just runs out, barefoot and balancing on the tips of her toes the best she can.

The halls are pretty much empty, and so are most of the rooms but she checks anyways, just making sure. What's left of families, people shaking, people crying, people just being bored. Tries not to focus on their faces, just a quick glimpse to make sure he isn't there.

(Their eyes seem to follow her, like they know it's all her fault that they're in this mess. It makes her stomach ache from guilt. She knows. She's trying. She gets it's not enough.)

She finds him- at last- in M Damocles's office, simultaneously the last and the first place she could have thought to searched. It's terribly obvious. She'd chose M Damocles's office as a base of operations if she absolutely had to as well, like it's a place of authority and all that. Probably got all sorts of useful surprises hidden in those desk drawers.

She pokes her head inside, then leans back and knocks just in case because she's probably the last person he wants to see like, ever.

"Come in." Fu says, and she does, walks in like she's got some sort of Queen Bee in her because appearances are everything.

(It's a trap- he hates you, they all hate you.)

"Why are you really here?" He asks. His voice is soft. Calming.

He's holding a box- only it's got 8 sides so is it more of a container- and he's clearly exhausted but other than that he's the same as the last time she saw him. And even then, he had that box before, and everyone's tired, so really he actually is the same. (That's irrelevant. Get on with it.)

"Everything is shit." She says. "I want to know how I'm supposed to fix it."

(Her voice is cracking. She's trying so fucking hard to keep it together, why can't anyone see- why hasn't it clicked in yet! She's sorry. She's sorry. She's sorry. She knows. She knows. She knows.)

"Go on." Fu says, and it's the first time anyone has actually wanted to listen to her talk?

She can't help it- she's starting to cry, and now actually she's sobbing, and he's staring at her only it's not condescending it's something else she can't quite put her finger on, like it's not a bad thing or anything it just is.

And then it all comes spilling out.

"It's all my fault okay? LIke I caused this, I'm the one who decided to hoard akuma butterflies, I'm the one who made such a big deal about having a miraculous than gave it up, I'm the reason Paris is like this- and there's nothing I can do about it alright? And I'm trying- I'm actually trying to make a difference and fix this, and- and reverse it? But everything I do just makes things worse, and it's building up and up and i don't know what I'm supposed to be doing- how do I fix this?"

"Like I'm the worst person to have a miraculous, and I know it's my responsibility and all but I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to be happy or pampered or have power or or whatever okay?

"This whole thing is one big clusterfuck- and and Zeezles's hurt and Paris is like, on fire or something? Like why am I like this? It's all my fault and I'm making things worse, and and I'm abusive- I'm -I'm toxic."

"Please just tell me what I'm doing wrong. I need your help- I can't do this by myself."

She shouldn't be doing this. She came here to fix things, not to, not to cry- why's she telling him her life's story or something? It's n

She can't stop Hawkmoth like this.

"You're all too young." Fu says, when she's finally quiet. He stands up with a slight groan, and walks over to her. Puts a hand on her shoulder. It's so simple- not even a full hug, but his eyes are so kind and wise, and everything is just so awful, that it's the best thing in the world. "My predecessors and I have gotten into the habit of forcing children to fight our battles for us. You're all growing up too fast. You're allowed to learn from your mistakes."

She blinks some of her tears away and opens her mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. Like she wants to deny it, wants to say that people like her don't deserve happy endings or forgiveness, that all they do is make things worse and no matter what she does it won't change that she's garbage, but she can't.

Like, they just won't come out.

"Sleep." He says, and without thinking, she slumps down, her eyelids dropping, her shudders stopping. "You shouldn't- no. " (there's a slight sigh. A pause.) "You can't fix this alone."

Her last thought before everything goes dark is that maybe he's right.

A/N There's a second half to this, I just wanted to prove that this isn't dead.

Sorry it took me a year and a half to write! This whole fic sort of, accidentally became a little personal so I really do want to give it a good ending.

I hope this is enough to tide you guys over until I've got the final part completely finished.