Love Not War

The sky was orange-red, with an "X" slashed across it.

"So this is how the world ends. Not with a bang but with a... bip-boop," said Ford, gesturing with his finger to his head.

Dipper said, "Weirdmageddon."

Animals and creatures were fleeing from the woods. Dipper was knocked over by a deer, and got scolded by gnomes for being in the way.

Ford helped Dipper get up. "The rift is shattered. Bill's world is spilling into ours and every minute his powers grow stronger."

Dipper said, "Mabel! The rift must have cracked inside her backpack. She must be in danger. I have to go find her."

He started running, calling to Mabel on the walkie-talkie.

Ford stopped him. "Dipper. Listen to me. We can find your sister soon, but first we have to stop Bill. If we can blast him back through the rift he came out of, we just might be able to stop him before his weirdness spreads across the entire globe."

"Are you sure defeating Bill is even possible?" asked Dipper.

"No. I'm not sure," said Ford. "But being a hero means fighting back even when it seems impossible. Will you follow me?"

"To the ends of the Earth," said Dipper.

"Good," said Ford. "Because that's where we're heading. You also might want to step inside."

They ran into the shielded Mystery Shack before a wave of purple wierdness magic could break over them.

"Downstairs I have a weapon that may stop Bill. I call it a quantum destabilizer," said Ford.

Ford picked up a large box from the portal room.

"May I have a weapon, too?" asked Dipper.

"I don't have anything else that would be effective," said Ford. "Wait a moment. Maybe I do..."

Dipper and Ford had taken up a sniping position in the old church belfrey. Ford unpacked his weapon from the box.

"Ah, my quantum destabilizer. I've been waiting a long time to use this. We're only gonna have one chance to take this shot."

"I'll fire right after you," said Dipper, aiming the high-powered paint-ball gun that Ford had cobbled together. "It may distract him if anything goes wrong."

Ford aimed at Bill. "Steady... steady... and..."

Another weirdness wave washed over them, touching the church bell.

"Whoo hoo hoo hoo hoooo!" shouted the bell. "I'm alive now."

Startled at the crucial moment, Ford's aim went too high and the shot went through Bill's hat.

Dipper fired his own shot, having had an instant to recover. The paintball hit Bill and a mist of pink liquid spread over him and over all of his hench-monsters.

"Just when I thought the day couldn't get any better..." said Bill, his eye lighting on Pyronica. "But first... How about a kiss, hot stuff?"

Bill formed his eye-mouth into a big smoochy-face. Pyronica grinned back at Bill and promptly swallowed him.

"Hey, that feels pretty good!" said Bill's muffled voice from inside Pyronica. "Hey 8-Ball and Teeth, I'm a little busy here. Go round up the snipers who did this and bring them to me."

"Sure thing, Boss," said 8-Ball. "Come on, Teeth."

They headed into the woods, supposedly to look for the shooters there. Nobody noticed they were holding hands.

Other monsters were pairing up. Square-shaped Kryptos kissed the large lower mouth of giant baby Paci-Fire. Amorphous Shape headed under the massive bread-loaf form of Xanthar.

Dipper and Ford slipped out of the church and stealthily headed back to the Shack.

"Good work, Dipper," said Ford. "Your distraction bought us a chance to escape. Bill has one more weakness we may be able to use. I didn't want to think about it until I took the shot, because it will put eight other people in danger. But now our only chance is to round up a Zodiac."