That's Not Funny Chapter 3

When Harley awoke the next morning J was already up making a pot of coffee. She was so happy about getting her babies back she was practically bursting with excitement. She got cleaned up, put on a pair of cut-off jean shorts and a red tank top and bounced into the kitchen to join her lover.

"Good morning Mistah J!" she sing-songed.

He looked up from spooning sugar into his mug and smirked at his bubbly girlfriend. Well her attitude was much improved this morning, he hoped it had some kind of impact on her sense of humor as well.

"Well, someone is in a very good mood this morning. Feeling better Pumpkin?" She came up behind him, wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed her face to his back.

"Soooo much better Puddin." He promptly began peeling her arms from around him.

"Well, that's wonderful darling, but it's too hot for you to be clingy and affectionate today. Besides we have work to do."

"Okay Mistah J."

The sun was shining brightly and the temperature had already risen to the mid-eighties and it was barely ten in the morning. This job required disguises and he knew it was going to be an uncomfortable operation, but if everything went well it was going to be hysterical! Plus, it was going to clear their way to free the hyenas so it really was a win-win. J wandered off to scout the grounds for the last few items he was going to need for the job today.

J returned a short while later, wheeling two large metal tanks on a hand truck. Following behind him were his henchmen Ken, who was carrying a medium sized cardboard box and Johnny who had a thick garment bag draped over his shoulder.

"Haarrlleeyy! Come out Pumpkin, I need your help now." She bounded out from the bathroom, still dressed in street clothes but already in her clown white makeup, sans mask.

"I'm here Mistah J, reporting for duty sir!" She saluted him, at the same time giving him one of her dazzling smiles. "I'm here to take care of whatever you need, boss!" He couldn't help but notice again the distinct change in her demeanor. He needed to test his theory.

"My goodness Harley, if I knew the disappearing cane trick was going to make you this obedient I may not have waited two months to oblige you." he said lecherously as he waggled his eyebrows at her.

She immediately began giggling and blushing and it made him smile. Ken and Johnny were distinctly uncomfortable but J didn't really care. She laughed and that made him happy. He pulled the tanks off the hand truck. Harley could see one was Smilex, but she had no idea what the other one contained.

"Ken, the box please." Ken set the cardboard box down and opened it revealing two gas masks, another smaller box and hundreds of colorful balloons. "Okay Harley I need you and the boys to fill these. I ran a few tests and the Smilex gas is dense, therefore heavy, so you need to mix one part Smilex to three parts helium." He opened the tiny box to reveal what looked like tiny round smiley face stickers. "Now the most important thing is that each and every balloon needs one of these stuck to it. Think you can manage that Pumpkin?"

"You got it Mistah J!"

An hour later J came back into the room Harley and the boys were working in and was delighted to see it full of floating balloons on strings. Harley looked up from filling balloons to gaze at her Puddin. He was wearing bright clown makeup and a big red nose. Harley burst out laughing making him grin. He tried to wipe it off his face and play it straight.

"What? What's so funny Pumpkin?" He looked around as if there were something else in the room that could have caused her outburst, which made Harley laugh even harder. "This is no laughing matter Harls, we have a job to do." Once she could catch her breath she wiped a tear from her eye and shook her head.

"Oh Mistah J, you're a crack up. What's with the getup anyway?" He picked up the garment bag that was thrown over the back of one of the chairs in the room and began unzipping it.

"It's all part of my brilliant plan." He pulled out a polka dotted clown costume and a curly blue wig and tossed it to her. "Now, I need you to get dressed so we can get going. Oh and you need to do something more with your makeup, you still look too much like you, Poo."

When she emerged she found the boys dressed like clowns, bunching up the balloons and loading them into two large box trucks. J sauntered out of his lab with a box full of spray paint and Bud and Lou's collars, tags and leashes. His clown costume looked more like a drum major in a marching band, only purple with gold accents, and he had a matching top hat on his head.

"Okay kiddies, let's roll out!"

They arrived at the Gotham City Zoo during peak hours and with the unusually sunny weather, the place was filled with throngs of people. He handed off a large bunch of balloons to each of them.

"Okay, I want you to hand out all of your balloons to the kiddies. When you run out of kiddies give them to whoever, it doesn't matter. Once you're done with that, meet me in the vicinity of the hyena pen so I can deliver the punchline. Everyone got it?" Harley, Ken and Johnny nodded then headed out in opposite directions to carry out the day's work.

J had the spray paint, collars and detonator in a bag slung across his torso. He gleefully handed out free balloons to the kiddies and enjoyed the unsuspecting joy on their faces. Little did they know they'd all soon have permanent grins. Once he had dispersed all of the gas laden balloons he walked casually over to the hyena pen and looked for Bud and Lou. He saw them immediately. They were bigger than the rest of the pack, and their spot patterns were distinct, to him at least. Harley and he had raised them from pups. He stuck two fingers in his mouth and gave a shrill whistle. The hyenas stood at attention frantically looking left and right, trying to find their masters. Harley happened to walk up beside J as Bud and Lou picked up their scent and came running up to the enclosures tall cement wall whining and pacing just below them.

"Babies!"

"Shhh, Harls, don't blow our cover. Not yet." he whispered.

Johnny and Ken made it back shortly thereafter. J reached in the bag, grabbed the gas masks and tossed them to his henchmen who quickly put them on. Both he and Harley were immune to his toxin and didn't require the extra equipment. J pulled out his detonator.

"So is everyone ready?" Harley was bouncing with enthusiasm. "Here we go!"

He pressed the button on the detonator which sent an electric pulse to the circuitry on the metallic stickers they had placed on each balloon. J casually leaned against the railing behind him as he watched hundreds of balloons simultaneously burst, spreading a thick green cloud of Smilex gas through the park. The sound started like a cough, then a giggle and quickly escalated into hysterics. The zoo patrons were gasping for breath, holding their sides and eventually dropping to the ground dead with rictus grins on their faces. Both Harley and Joker were laughing hysterically at the carnage around them. J studied Harley as she jumped up and down in glee. See, he still had it! She still thought he was hilarious. All he had to do was 'load the clown in the cannon' every time she got gloomy and it would apparently cheer her right up. She noticed him examining her.

"What's the matter Mistah J?"

"Nothing at all Poo. It's just that you'd been so glum lately, I'm glad to see you finally laughing again."

A bell went off in Harley's head. That's it, that's what's been gnawing at him for the past few days! He thought she didn't find him funny anymore! And he had to realize the solution had been sex! She smiled broadly as she realized there would be no more two month dry spells in her future. She tucked that little nugget of information in the back of her brain for later use. She put her arms around his neck and gazed into his eyes.

"Well you were just so incredible last night Mistah J, of course I'm in a good mood." She glanced around at the now silent zoo. "Good job Mistah J! No one does comedy like you do Puddin." That rubbed his ego in all the right ways and a Cheshire grin crossed his face.

"Yes, yes I know, but thank you for saying so Poobear. C'mon, we have graffiti to paint and hyenas to spring."

They each took a can of paint and defaced the zoo with smiley faces, haha's and taunts for the Batman. Joker painted a huge bat symbol on the ground, drew a large red circle with a slash through it over top of it and beneath his masterpiece wrote 'Suck it Bat-Boob!' When she ran out of spray paint Harley stripped out of the hot sweaty clown outfit and headed back to the hyena paddock.

"Puddin? Can we free the babies now?" He put his arm around her shoulders.

"Of course Pumpkin. Let's go grab the kids and get outta here."

They broke into the employee area of the zoo. There were a few survivors here that J had to take care of with a handheld can of Smilex gas. They found their way to the inner door to the hyena enclosure and opened it. J whistled and Bud and Lou both came barreling out the door.

"Babies! Come to Mommy!" Bud and Lou happily jumped on Harley knocking her to the ground and she giggled madly as she was covered with hyena saliva from their big pink tongues. "Are you my good, stinky, little babies? Yes, you are. Yes, you are!" Harley cooed in baby talk as she scratched their scruffy manes. Their laughing barks filled the room. "Mommy missed you both so much!"

Joker wasn't half as excited as Harley, although he had to admit he had kind of missed the mutts too. They were handy to have on the job and they always laughed at his jokes. He reached down, attached their collars and leashes and gave them each a scratch behind their ears.

"Let's scram Harley. If there are any more survivors they've surely called the cops by now."

They all piled into the trucks and headed back to the lair. Once safely inside Harley removed the leashes from the two hyenas and went to the fridge to get the large steaks she had defrosted the night before.

"Okay babies, who wants din-din?" The hyenas barked excitedly as she put their bowls on the floor. J was still smiling, happy to have the old Harley back.

"Well, now you have company so I can finally get back to work. Have fun with the kids Pumpkin." He kissed her on top of her head and began walking away.

She smirked as he walked away. She now had a very useful piece of information. If she really wanted his attention or if she wanted to break a dry spell she didn't have to drop subtle hints, find reasons to touch him or parade around in negligee's and lace top thigh high's. She just needed to stop laughing at his jokes.

He smirked as he walked away, he now had a very useful piece of information. If she was gloomy and moody, if she was suddenly unresponsive to his comedy, he didn't need to set up elaborate jokes and schemes or dress in ridiculous costumes to try to amuse her. He just had to play a round of pelvic pinochle with her and the problem was solved!

Epilogue

A few weeks after they sprung the babies from the zoo Joker surprised Harley with a weekend in Atlantic City. He had planned the whole affair himself and she had no clue what they were going to be up to. He rented out a VIP suite at Caesar's Palace and ordered in room service so the couple could enjoy breakfast in bed together. He had brought the makeup kit with him and made himself up so that they could go dancing, eat at the upscale restaurants, have cocktails in fancy lounges and gamble in the various casinos. Harley was fairly successful at blackjack and J won several grand playing craps. They walked together down the boardwalk, played skee-ball and ate cotton candy. Spending time outside of Gotham City alone together made Harley deliriously happy.

The final surprise came on their last night in town. J presented her with tickets to a show. Her face lit up with excitement when she realized that they were going to see Jeff Dunham perform. Joker had gotten them box seats just above the stage. Since the theater was dark he didn't bother with makeup that evening.

He looked incredibly irritated throughout the show, but Harley laughed wholeheartedly, thoroughly enjoying herself. Finally, Jeff came out with Achmed the Dead Terrorist. The first time Achmed said "Shut up. I kill you." J snapped.

He pulled out his long barreled pistol, pointed it at Jeff and screamed to get the idiots attention.

"No Jeff. I kill you!"

BANG! He emptied every round into the ventriloquist as the audience screamed and fled the auditorium.

"Puddin! You killed Jeff Dunham!" A broad smile spread across his face and he took a deep satisfied breath.

"Sorry Harls, I know you liked him, but it needed to be done." She put on an exaggerated pout.

"But that means no new Peanut or Walter or Jose Jalapeno." She whined.

"Yup! I just did comedy and mankind a huge favor. They'll probably memorialize me for this." They heard sirens quickly approaching. "Come on Baby, we gotta make like a banana and split!"

He pulled Harley behind him as they ran for the car. He laughed and cackled so hard he nearly choked. It was ironic really. Tonight was the first and only time he found a ventriloquist funny. Once he pumped six bullets into him, he was absolutely hilarious.

-Fin

A/N – So this was just a short story to keep me occupied while I work on an outline for a bigger story. I hope it kept you all reasonably distracted.