Author's Note: Warning, this fic is more risqué than my previous Transformer fics. While looking for decent Soundwave fics instead I've often found scary smut fics that involved Transformers having sex with their fan-created femme counterparts. Often they are given a human-esque anatomy. This fic spoofs the entire idea. I believe that Transformers are genderless and are incapable of copulation. I do believe that they can love, and I do believe that they can show affection. I just can't imagine two huge robots screwing like wild bunnies. Ultimately, this fic is about the poor Decepticons being completely innocent to the entire idea of sex, being the types that rarely if ever interact with any of the living creatures that occupy earth. I hope you like it, and don't find it too disturbing.

In the Decepticon base Soundwave sat at his computer desk, typing into the keyboard. He was attempting to hack into the Autobot database through the Internet. While he had a much better chance at success if he was trying to access the files from within the Autobot base itself, his chances of surviving the attempt were best at his current location. A surge of frustration coursed through the usually stoic transformer as a monotonous "Good-bye" resounded from the computer and he lost connection.

If Megatron wants me to get these files so bad, Soundwave mused, then he needs to get a better Internet provider than AOL. Nonetheless this setback failed to deter his resolve and once again he signed back onto the Internet.

He once again attempted to hack into the Autobot base main computer when suddenly a pop-up web page appeared on his monitor. On the web page was a picture of a nude human woman standing provocatively. Soundwave in his innocence didn't know what to make of the picture, but ultimately decided that it was of no use to him. He clicked off the page only to find five more pages of similar content popping onto the screen. Every time he got rid of one more came in its stead. There didn't appear to be an end to them! Soundwave began to wonder if somehow he had activated some kind of security protocol and that the web pages were actually a virus invading his computer. Suddenly a web page that was different from the others popped onto the screen. The background was black, with a large link in stylish white typing at the center that said "Horny Autobots."

Horny Autobots? Soundwave's languid imagination attempted to conjure up an image, ultimately creating a mental picture of Optimus Prime with many thorns protruding from him. The image reminded him of what humans called a "porcupine." Porcupines use their quills to protect themselves from enemies. With that in mind, Soundwave figured that he had somehow stumbled upon the Autobot weapon database.

Soundwave clicked the link, thinking that finally his search had ended.

He was dead wrong.

Chapter 2

Soundwave was baffled as to the layout of the web page he was currently viewing. It was a list of terms that he didn't understand, which was even more strange because despite his lack of vocal communication Soundwave had a high vocabulary and knew almost every name and codename for a weapon. Each word was a link, and assuming that the Autobots had given their weapons a new codename in case something like this should happen. With a shrug Soundwave randomly picked a link that was labeled "penis" and clicked on it.

The cassette tape deck transformer didn't know what to expect upon viewing the newly loaded web page. Yet what he did find only helped to baffle him more. It was a group of pictures, each containing an Autobot posing. Each Autobot had a strange…thing added to them. Soundwave wasn't sure what the added part was supposed to be, some kind of canon, maybe? As he scrolled down he found a link where he could download the object and attach it to himself…

Megatron was in his room, trying to figure out a diabolical plan of action that he could take against the Autobots. However he couldn't think of anything, it felt as if he had already tried everything.

Maybe Soundwave can think of something, Megatron mused as he left his room and made his way to Soundwave's. Upon entering the room of his loyal subordinate the sight left him befuddled. Soundwave had apparently installed some strange canon-like object in an even stranger location. Megatron was as innocent in this regard as his loyal lieutenant. "What are you doing?"

Soundwave looked up at his commander. Although his face was incapable of expression, his body language indicated that he was just as confused as his leader was. "Breach of the Autobot weapons database successful." he explained. "Found installable weapons. Attempted to download one. Download attempt successful. Installation attempt successful. Incapable of understanding the relevance of having a weapon at this location. Incapable of using it."

"Are you sure you installed it correctly?" Megatron asked.

"Affirmative…" Soundwave gestured to the pictures of Autobots with that same part in the same place.

Megatron was truly confused by this. There was no logical reason to have a canon located in such a strange area. "Are there any other weapons?"

"Affirmative…" Soundwave clicked back to the original list. "Incapable of identifying codenames."

"Lets see…" Megatron looked over Soundwave's shoulder at the monitor. "We were at 'penis'. That must be their codename for canon. Pedophile, dominatrix, hairy scaries…??? Hairy whats? Click on that, Soundwave." His soldier complied. However there were no pictures that came up, only a downloadable link. Megatron and Soundwave looked at each other for a moment. "What the hell, we might as well try it. Download it, Soundwave. I will install it."

The navy blue transformer complied…

Dr. Archevil walked through the empty fortress. He knew that Starscream and his Airforce Elite were probably out terrorizing small children and plotting to overthrow Megatron. Where was everyone else?

He passed by Soundwave's room while glancing in. Upon realizing what he had just seen he froze and walked backwards until he could look into the room again. The visage made the mad scientist's stomach turn.

Soundwave was kneeling before Megatron, examining the newly installed "weapon." The navy blue Decepticon also had his previously installed "canon."

"I… think it's supposed to look like that…" Soundwave concluded.

"Are you sure? What is it supposed to do?!" Megatron questioned.

"What the fuck?!" Dr Archevil stormed in, his eyes bugging out and his hands on his head. "What the -hell- are you doing?!!!" The two robots regarded their partially human ally with much confusion.

"Why are you acting like that?!" Megatron snapped. "We're downloading and installing Autobot weapons attachments!"

"Autobot weapon attachments…?!" Dr Archevil suddenly erupted with laughter. "Those are not weapons!"

"Then what are they?" Megatron asked. The old cyborg gestured for them to come closer. When they did he quietly explained to them exactly what those parts were and what they were used for…

…

…

"WHAT?!"

The Webmaster of the page, oblivious to the identity of his most recent visitors had just uploaded a new set of pictures when a voice abruptly came over the intercom.

"We are being attacked by the Decepticons," Optimus Prime's voice resonated throughout the base. "I repeat, we are under attack."

Spike raced into the room. "C'mon Bumblebee, lets go!"

"I'll be there in a sec," Bumblebee said with a quick wave of his hand. Upon finishing the upload he shut down the computer and ran out the door to join the fight…

Author's Notes: I'm not sure if my terminology is what is normally found in porn sites, as I had to go by what my more mature-minded friends describe. Even for research purposes I can't go onto a porno site as I would like to retain what's ever left of my innocence. (although after reading fan fiction for many years I doubt there's much innocence left to be salvaged, but I digress…) I really didn't know what Autobot should be the Webmaster and ultimately picked Bumblebee simply because of his pink car seats. (That and I couldn't think of a more suitable Autobot. If anyone has a better Autobot in mind, I am open to changing the fic.) I hope you didn't find the fic too disturbing. I tried not to be too descriptive, as the entire point of the story was to be entertaining and funny, not icky or perverse.