Why hel- *ducks projectiles*

I'M SORRYYYY! I've been so inactive for years (literally...), but this idea wouldn't leave my head and I had to write it down... :3

This is my first FMA fic and I'm so happy to be writing it! ^.^

This is based off a rant that was in one of the books I read in my French class called Cyrano de Bergerac. Basically, the main character is always being insulted because of his big nose, so he kinda fights back. His sensibility to the size of his nose reminded me of Ed... so this pointless masterpiece was born.

Side note for those expecting another chapter of Losing humanity, I honestly don't know when I'll update it. Anime has kinda imprisoned me in its wonderful shackles and I've kinda lost a little bit of interest in the Danny Phantom fandom... I can name a ton of other excuses, but I'm sure you guys aren't interested :P I can only tell you that I'll do my best!

After this little note, I hope you guys'll have enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! ^.^

Colonel Roy Mustang was making his way to his office. It had been a particularly good day: he had made a considerable dent in his paperwork, Hawkeye hadn't threatened him with her gun (yet) and a promotion was starting to show possibility after a rather successful mission at capturing a criminal gang.

But his highlight of the day hadn't even started. The Elric brothers had just returned this morning, and Roy was looking forward to blowing a couple of Edward's fuses to relieve a bit of pressure pent up by the stress of work.

When he turned the corner, he was surprised to find two soldiers peeking in the crack of the door that opened to his office. He was about to make himself noticed when one of the two spoke up. "There he is..."

"Wait a second Allen, are you pointing at that shrimp? Not the big guy?" The other one answered in a whisper.

Ah, so Edward and Alphonse were already there. Ed being punctual? This day kept on getting better and better.

"Don't speak so loud Layton, he'll hear you!" Allen, the other one, whispered harshly.

Layton shrugged."Why? I heard that he was sensible to height, I just didn't know that it was because he was so short."

There was a sudden bang inside the office and a shriek. "Who said that?!"

"Calm down, brother." Alphonse's muffled voice came from the room.

"I swear someone just said that S-word..." Edward growled.

Havoc laughed. "Guess that trip was long, eh Ed?"

Mustang walked up to the two hiding soldiers and cleared his throat, making them jump and turn around. "What would you two gentlemen be doing here?"

The one who seemed to be Layton raised an eyebrow. "Why do you want to know, old man?"

Roy sighed. Such a disrespectful comment can only come from two people: Edward Elric, and newly formed soldiers with a tendency to forget to look at the numbers of stars and stripes on others' uniforms.

Roy smirked. "Why? Because you're outside my-"

"There you are, bastard!"

The door banged open, revealing a fuming blonde teenager. "I have the decency to show up here early-"

"Only because I dragged you here..." Alphonse mumbled.

"-And you have to take your sweet time to-" He stopped mid-rant, noticing the two wide eyed soldiers. "Who the hell are you?"

Layton was the first to recover, he smirked and straightened himself. "I'm-"

"Not important right now." Mustang cut in. "What I want to know, is: where's my report, Fullmetal? I'm feeling for a bit of deciphering your handwriting today."

Ed gritted his teeth and shoved a piece of paper in his superior's hand.

Mustang smirked and made a show of squinting at the scrawly handwriting. "What's this… Ah, it says bastard, how nice of you. I'm sorry, but these words were so short, I could barely read anything. I guess handwriting really does reflect off of the writer."

"You calling me short?!" Ed shrieked.

The two soldiers watched the exchange in silence until the two bantering alchemists disappeared inside the office, the doors slamming behind them and leaving the boys in the hall.

"Layton…?" Allen spoke up. "I don't like that face you're making, are you having a stupid idea again?"

Layton snickered. "Don't worry, I know exactly how to make a great first impression and show our place in this building..."

Allen sighed. "Please don't tell me that this'll involve Edward Elric..."

"Ah, don't worry." Layton laughed, his face shining with overconfidence. "The rumours were wrong, he's obviously just a little punk with too much attitude. This'll be a breeze, you'll be thanking me after this!"

Somehow, Allen didn't share his feelings.

Dinner had just finished in the cafeteria, most of the personnel in the building being in that room. Roy Mustang was pretty much glowing; his banter with Fullmetal had done nothing but improve his already good mood. Apart from the replacements for the broken chairs, pencils and other desk ornaments Edward had thrown, it was impossible not to feel like this day was one of the best yet.

Looking over the slowly growing crowd of officers and soldiers, he spotted the new recruits from earlier. From one's smirk and the other's nervous look as they walked over to Ed, Mustang saw that the day's entertainment wasn't over.

"Hey, you." The overconfident one -Layton, Roy recalled- shouted to Ed sitting next to his brother, loud enough to gain the attention of the other officers around them.

The noise of the crowd died down, the tension rising while they got up to close around the two new recruits and the Elrics. They had been in the same scenario many times: with an arrogant newbie going after the eldest Elric with the goal of trying to make an impact of an impression by underestimating the young genius because of his age and apparent lack of maturity. Obviously, it usually started with many remarks about height, then ended with an ambulance and many efforts to calm Edward down.

Roy got up, and made his way through the crowd for a better view and maybe, just maybe, for interference (if he felt like it).

Edward didn't move from his spot on the table, although Alphonse was already whispering soothing words to calm his brother's eventual temper.

Layton's facade faltered from the lack of reaction by Ed, but he quickly put his smirk back on. "You're very… short."

The tension elevated immediately and the bystanders were almost afraid of breathing. Edward got up and the the crowd backed a bit, waiting for the inevitable outburst that would soon follow. But the answer they got wasn't the one they had expected…

"That's it?" Edward said, his voice devoid of the expected anger.

Layton blinked. This was not going according to his plan. He laughed nervously and looked around, not knowing if he had won yet. "Erm..." He stuttered.

Edward turned around and strode up to him with a confident smile, ignoring his brother's calls and making Layton back up. "That's a little… disappointing, don't you think?" Ed said.

Roy frowned in confusion, this was definitely unusual, but he didn't dare interfere, suspense and his curiosity stopping him.

Ed had started talking again. "Effectively, with this monotone voice, you could've said a hundred different things by changing the tone -like this, suppose-"

Ed kept on getting closer to Layton, his hands in his pockets. The crowd followed his every move. "In an insulting manner: We have to be careful… you're way closer to hell than heaven compared to others!" He said, changing the tone of his voice for effect.

"What…?" Layton mumbled, not expecting this reaction.

Ed kept talking. "Worried: Watch out when you get angry, you could short-circuit!"

"Angry: I just saw someone trying to pick-pocket you… I can't believe someone could stoop so low!"

Slowly, the crowd started loosening up and amused smiles and snickers were starting to show.

"Graceful: How's the weather for someone at such a low altitude?" Ed said, his face adorning a grin, his own jokes about his height apparently not fazing him.

No way that I'm breaking this up, it's way too good! Roy thought, fighting a losing battle against a smile.

"Fascinated: How impressive, I didn't know someone could portait the quote, Life is short, so well!" Ed continued.

Layton's facade was rapidly disappearing and he turned away to escape through the doors. Ed quickly caught up to him, following Layton as he kept on talking. "Curious: When you stare into someone's eyes, how many ladders do you have to climb?"

No matter where he went, Layton always found himself face-to-face with the eldest Elric's smug smirk. The laughs around them were starting to gain volume. "If you wanted to refer to my height in a reassuring manner, say: Don't worry my friend… every centimeter counts."

"Innocently: It must be fun for you, my little friend, for when people insult you, their words pass straight over your head!"

At that point, the crowd was roaring with laughter and Roy had a hard time standing and resisting doubling over from his laughs. Layton tried escaping, but the officers and soldiers blocked the doors, cheering on Ed. Even Alphonse's armour was shaking with suppressed laughs as he debated whether or not to stop his brother from humiliating the poor soldier.

"Friendly: Watch out when you play soccer, I fear that they'll mistake you for the ball!"

"Mocking: When you see Snow-White, tell her I send my regards!"

"This is ridiculous..." Layton muttered, trying in vain to keep his dignity from the mocking he was receiving.

But Ed was not finished, the crowd laughing from his every words. "If you want to show me some love, give me a biiiig hug and say: We have to appreciate all the little things in life..." He said with outstretched arms.

"But if, even after all that, you still insist on being the boring prick that you are, pipsqueak always works as an insult. I hope this session served to enlarge your pitiful word bank." Edward said with a mocking grin.

Layton gritted his teeth. "Bufoon, clown, ninnyhammer!" He spat.

"Ah?... And I'm Edward Elric, also known as the Fullmetal Alchemist, it's pleasure meeting you." Ed said, bowing mockingly.

Layton, his face red in embarrassment from the roaring laughs around him, turned in his heel and stormed towards the doors, pushing roughly through the crowd. "This isn't over, Fullmetal!" He shouted.

"Layton!" Allen yelled after him, having disappeared in the crowd during Ed's monologue. He turned to face Ed and bowed, a barely suppressed smile on his face. "So sorry about this..." He said before going after his friend.

When the doors slammed closed, Ed stood for a few seconds with his hands on his hips with a smug expression, before his face turned into an impressive shade of red and he sunk to the ground, hiding his face behind his arms. "I can't believe this, I just called myself a shorty so many times!" He bawled.

"You have to stop trying to act so cool, brother..." Alphonse with an amused sigh, dragging the older Elric away by his hood.

Mustang had never laughed so hard in his life, his hand slapping his thigh as he wheezed: "This is definitely the best day ever!" Before Hawkeye subtly reminded him of the weapon she owned and the Colonel straightened himself with a snicker, walking out of the cafeteria. Never before had he been so happy of recruiting the storm that is Edward Elric.

My god, I was so rusty! I really missed writing here, hopefully, school'll be easier on me XD

Thank you for reading through this pointless little ficlet!