A/N: Hi everyone. First of all, I'd like to start by saying that I'm back, and second apologize for being gone for so long. I know I haven't written anything in a LONG time (that includes on my other two accounts - yes, I have three accounts, this one, one by the name of sweetcrimefighter, and another by the name of Lieselot). I figure I at least owe my readers an explanation, so here it is. Firstly, I am disabled and chronically ill. I have a rare connective tissue disease called Ehlers-Danlos (EDS), Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Debilitating migraines and several other issues. All these issues only get worse with time, and, for a while, they did put me in a bit of a depressed state, especially because of the pain and isolation these illnesses cause. So, I stopped doing a lot of things that I love, including writing. Second, I took a writing course a few years back, and it was horrible, the teacher had nothing but bad things to say about my writing, and honestly, after a few months of hearing how horrible I was at it, I really wanted to stop writing all together. And, for a long time, I did. Now though, I've re-discovered the joy writing always brings to me, and am not prepared to give it up again. I can only hope that you'll be able to forgive me for abandoning something that has been a passion of mine ever since I learned to write.

Hi all, this is my take on Reptilia28's awesome challenge. I've read some pretty great stories done for this challenge, which have inspired me to give it a shot myself. Also, sadly I do NOT own anything related to Harry Potter, I only get creative with it :)

CHALLENGE:

Challenge issued by "Reptilia28" - Originally on Portkey verbatim:

A funny little challenge I just came up with. It's a comical twist on the time-travel category.

STORYLINE:

*Harry is killed at 17 during a fight with Voldemort. He's sent to his Death's office (explained later) and finds out that this isn't the first time that this has happened.

*Harry's Death (who can have a human name) is mad at his arrival. Apparently, people dying before their time is a black mark on the various Deaths' records, and Harry is getting perilously close to getting this particular one fired.

*When Harry asks what was supposed to have happened, Death goes off on a rant saying how he was supposed to have killed Voldemort, found his soulmate ("Some Granger girl...") and lived to be a centennial age. But since Harry keeps getting into life-threatening situations for one reason or another, he keeps dying before that happens. Harry is surprised about the soulmate part.

*Death gives Harry a paper to sign that allows him to retain his memories (the previous times, he wasn't given this option for some reason). Harry is deposited to a previous time of the writer's choosing.

*Eventually, Harry gets it right. He kills Voldemort, gets the girl, and lives to a ripe old age of whatever. And Death doesn't get fired.

REQUIREMENTS:

*Harry had to have died at least three times before this one.

*The memory keeping contract must be included.

*Death must refer to Hermione as "some Granger girl" when Harry's soulmate turns up in his rant.

*Obviously, must be H/Hr.

*Have fun.

OPTIONAL:

*Dumbledore's manipulations can be a factor in Harry's premature demises.

20th Time Is The Charm

Chapter 1: Meet Casper the Insane Reaper

Harry felt as if he were floating; there was no pain, no worries, nothing except perfect eternal bliss. Harry thought, if this was what death felt like, it wasn't bad, not bad at all. That was until…

"GET UP, YOU STUPID, ANNOYING IDIOT!"

The harsh, obviously enraged voice screamed into his ear, and probably would have given him a heart attack if he weren't already dead. Shocked, he jumped up and opened his eyes. Turns out, he wasn't floating at all. In fact, he had been lying on a white marbled floor of what looked like a waiting room of an office of some sorts. What the hell had he gotten himself into now? And why was there an enraged man shouting at him, looking as if he wanted to throttle him?

The man was tall, fairly good looking, with brown hair and a small mustache. He kind of reminded Harry of Remus, for some reason. The man seemed to get angrier by the second, so Harry decided he should probably say something and hopefully calm him down.

"Er, where am I, who are you and why are you yelling at me?" The questions came in quick succession, and in hindsight, probably not the best way to calm this stranger down. If anything, the questions just seemed to be making him angrier.

The man snarled at him and grabbed his arm tightly (Harry thought that should have hurt at least, but he didn't feel a thing, perhaps one of the perks of being dead, at least, he was fairly sure he was dead), "You complete and utter moron. Follow my lead and try to keep up this time. Driving me completely bonkers, you are!" The man (who Harry had begun to think was INDEED bonkers), started dragging him around corner after corner after hallway, eventually letting go of his arm when they reached a brightly colored red door.

To Harry's surprise and shock, the man actually KICKED the door open and all but threw Harry inside, instructing him to sit at the chair before the large, marble desk. The man sat down on the other end, in a bright red and gold chair that sort of reminded Harry of a throne. He oddly felt like a schoolboy being scolded by his teacher in the office. Considering all he had been through and the fact that he was a 17-year old adult, this train of thought made him blush profusely.

For a long time, silence reigned in the office as the man crossed his hands together, leaned his chin on them and glared at Harry with an intense rage and hatred. Harry, on the other hand, confused about it all and, silently admitting to himself, a little bit scared, just tried to avoid looking at the man altogether.

Finally, the man spoke, calmer, yet still angry, "So, Harry James Potter, here we are again." The last word came out as an almost growl and Harry flinched back.

"A-again, sir? I'm sorry, but I've never been here before," Harry said. The man snarled and threw an enormously thick file on the table, right in front on Harry. He jumped slightly at the sound (he couldn't help it, he had just been in a war, after all) and took a peek at the file. He gaped at it in shock, sure this had to be some kind of cruel afterlife joke. Because, what the front page of the file said, just could NOT be true.

Name: Harry James Potter
Age: 17
Cause of unauthorized death: Killing Curse

THIS IS UNAUTHERIZED DEATH NUMBER 19. GRIMM REAPER IN CHARGE OFFICIALLY ON PROBATION!

Signed,

Andy Withlock, Administrative Death Angel.

Harry gaped and gaped and gaped, unaware of anything else besides the obvious (because this couldn't be real) joke before him. He probably would have sat there gaping at the piece of paper for the rest of eternity had it not been for the fist that banged down hard on the table.

"That's right, you stinking ape, I'm on probation because of you and your moronic death stunts!" The man screamed, seemingly ready to start pulling out his own hair; that's how crazy he looked to Harry at that moment.

Harry choked. "You're saying this is real? It's not a joke?!" He had half a mind to start screaming himself. According to this file, this was the 19th time he had died (though, he only remembered this last time before he ended up here) and apparently, they were all 'unauthorized deaths' (whatever the bloody hell that meant). How on earth was this even possible?

As it turned out, Harry's outburst seemed to have led to a breakdown of the man before him, who started screaming and ranting at him (Harry felt it was safest to just let him rant without interrupting; he really didn't want to find out what this enraged, insane man was possible of).

"You bloody useless piece of excrement! Off course it's real, you dunce! 19 times you've died! 19! You've turned me into a bloody laughing stock among the other reapers! Sure, the first 5 times where that useless family of yours killed you before you turned 11 can't actually be blamed on you, but all the times after that were entirely your freaking fault!

"Death number 6, that stinking troll smashes you to bits! Number 7, that lazy moron Weasley manages to get you killed during the chess game! 8, you and the lazy redhead both die when you smash into that ugly ass tree, I nearly pulled out all my hair after that stupid stunt! Number 9, the basilisk EATS you! 10, dementors suck out your soul! I tried to bash my own skull in after that! 11, AGAIN, you get EATEN, this time by that stupid dragon! Then there's number 12, the highlight of idiocy when you drown in the black lake because you have too little brain cells to remember GillyWeed only lasts ONE hour! Number 13, Voldemort manages to kill you in the graveyard! Sure, not really your fault, but STILL!

"Then, I thought you were actually getting it right, because you didn't die in 5th year, but then NOOOO, mister here just has to duel that Malfoy ponce in sixth year and gets hit with the damn killing curse! I tried to bite of my hands after that ordeal! Then there's number 15, the first of many deaths of what was supposed to be your 7th year! Do you even realize you've been driving me to the brink of insanity this year, HUH?! So, number 15, ANOTHER killing curse when you're flying away from that hell house on Privet Drive! 16, you splinched yourself in HALF after fleeing that farce of a wedding! 17, Voldemort's pet snake strangles you! Then there was 18, when you got flattened by a Hogwarts wall during the battle. Never learned of duck and cover, you little shit?! And you know what happened with number 19, you moron! Whatever in the hell possessed you that it was a GOOD idea to let that ugly snake face KILL you?!

"And now they've placed me on probation! Do you even know what happens when a Grimm Reaper gets demoted, HUH?! THEY GET PUT ON ANIMAL REAPER DUTY, THAT'S WHAT! I'D BE THE LAUGHING STOCK OF THE UNDERWORLD AND IT'D BE ALL YOUR BLOODY FAULT!"

At last, the very very very longwinded, LOUD and disturbing rant ended, leaving the man (or Grimm Reaper) panting for air, and Harry himself extremely pale after hearing all of his disturbing deaths. He wasn't surprised to hear that the Dursleys had managed to kill him 5 times before he ever reached Hogwarts (though he was glad the Reaper hadn't gone into detail about how those deaths occurred), but to hear how he had died so many other times was beyond disturbing and bone chilling, and, if he was honest, he had to admit some of those deaths did sound very idiotic.

"Well, I'm, er, sorry, mister Grimm Reaper? But, there's really nothing to be done about it, is there. I mean, I'm dead, right? So, that's it," Harry said. Mister Grimm Reaper seemed to be trying to vaporize Harry with his very own eyes for a while before he appeared to calm down a little.

"Firstly, my name is Casper - " That's as far as he got before Harry blurted something out without, yet again, thinking.

"As in Casper the Ghost?" He giggled; he remembered those movies from when he was little and could watch parts of them through his cupboard door as Dudley watched. However, it was, again, the wrong thing to say to this man – to Casper.

"No, you dimwitted twit! As in Casper the Grimm Reaper! Now shut the hell up and listen!" Harry nodded quickly and slammed his mouth shut, willing himself to keep it shut until Casper decided he was allowed to speak again.

"Now, as is customary with any unauthorized death, we will be sending you back in time for a… 'do-over', as they say. Obviously, since this is your 19th death, this is not the first time we'll be sending you back. However, because you keep mucking everything up and driving me up the wall, my bosses and I have reached the agreement that you will be send back with all your memories of this lifetime intact… You with me so far?" Casper asked. Harry nodded quickly, still numb and oh so terribly confused. But he thought he understood so far.

"Anyways, after you sign the contract that will allow you to keep your memories, we have decided to send you back to the day just after your first task. Why, you wonder? Simple, really. That silly yule ball happens shortly after and we need you to ask your soulmate, some Granger girl, to the ball, kiss her and initiate your soul bond with her which will -" However, that was as far as Mister Casper, Grimm Reaper got as Harry began to cough violently after that bit of information.

"Soulmate? Soul bond? Some Granger girl? As in Hermione Granger?" Harry spluttered. Casper waved it all away.

"Yes, yes, one Hermione Granger. She's your soulmate, and you also will share a soul bond with her, as I was saying." Here, Casper once again glared at Harry for interrupting, who just sat there stunned out of his mind, trying to process the fact that Hermione was his soulmate and he shared a soul bond with her. However, then something else came to mind…

"B-but, what about Ginny? And Ron?" He was meant to be with Ginny, and Hermione with Ron, weren't they?

Casper growled. "Don't even get me started on those weasels, urgh. We'll discuss those conniving dunderheads, among others, later. First, back to where we left of. NO interruptions this time, got it?!" Again, the force of Casper's glare was enough to quickly silence Harry.

"Right then, so, you ask that Granger girl to the ball, kiss her and initiate your soul bond, which will record the two of you as being married, which means that you'll also be emancipated, meaning you'll never have to go back to those evil dicks called the Dursleys." Harry wanted to jump up and shout in joy upon hearing that titbit of information, but wisely managed to keep his mouth shut (it did seem to get him into trouble more often than not).

"After that, assuming you listen closely to all the information I have yet to impart on you, you should be able to defeat Voldemort in the graveyard, save countless lives, have plenty of sex and kids, and live to a ripe age of 200- and something. ASSUMING you LISTEN carefully, got it?" Harry nodded and grinned, still stuck on the 'plenty of sex and kids' comment, which sounded great in his, currently, horny mind.

Apparently, Casper seemed to know exactly what he was thinking and rolled his eyes. "Jeez kid, get your mind outta the gutter. This stuff is important!" Harry blushed, but nodded.

"First and foremost, you HAVE to cut all ties with that power hungry, manipulative, lemon-drop addicted, halfway dark lord named Albus-too-many-names-to-matter-Dumbledore." Casper spat out the name as if it tasted like filth on his tongue. This time, Harry could NOT keep quiet!

"How dare you say that? Dumbledore was one of THE greatest men of our time!" He shouted, defending the man he had looked up to more than any other.

Instead of getting mad at him, Casper just barked out a sarcastic laugh. "Sure, such a 'great' man. Let's review, shall we? First, he set your parents AND the Longbottoms up to die. Sent your godfather to prison without a trial, KNOWING the man was innocent. Dumbledore was, after all, a witness to your parents' will, which mentioned WHO the real secret keeper was. Not to mention that this 'great' man himself placed the fidellius charm on your parents' home, so he, better than anyone, knew the truth. He just wanted your godfather out of the way, so chucking him in prison was the way to go. And let's not forget he may as well have killed your parents himself, since he KNEW that Pettigrew was the spy since the beginning, yet did nothing, except convince your godfather that the rat should be the secret keeper instead of him."

The more Casper revealed, the angrier Harry got. He could feel the blood boiling beneath his skin and was wishing he could get his hands on Dumbledore so he could kill him slowly and painfully for all he'd done. And judging by Casper's tone of voice, there were more revelations to come.

"Then he happily placed you in a 'home' which he knew would be extremely abusive, perhaps even deadly, a fact which made him even more pleased. However, you proved to be much too powerful for his liking, so when you were around the age of three, he placed several magical blocks on you, severely limiting your ability to heal or do magic of any kind. The fact that you're still so powerful is mind blowing, really. He also placed blocks which severely hindered your ability to learn or even recollect what you still learned. Once in school, he placed several more blocks, such as a block against all forms of mind magic. He did that one in particular to make your mind more vulnerable to Voldermort – those shams of supposed Occlumency lessons only aided in further opening that connection."

Throughout all of this, Harry sat shell shocked. Even if he'd wanted to interrupt and say something, he had no idea what to say. A man he had though walked on water was actually as evil (if not more) as Voldermort himself.

"Now, don't worry about those blocks. All the blocks on your magic will be released once you kiss that Granger girl. Now, don't flip out on me or anything, it won't hurt a bit. It'll just cause a big spectacle of colorful lights, should be fun actually.

"Which brings me to my next point. The initiation of the soul bond will also eliminate any and all potions you, as well as Granger, have in your system. Which, admittedly, are a fair few. Not only has Dumbledork been dosing you and Granger with loyalty and compulsion potions linked to him and that farce of a teacher Snape, the Weasels… pardon… 'WEASLEYS' have been doing the same and more."

Harry swallowed. He'd thought it couldn't get any worse than Dumbledore betraying him so badly, but now it seemed the Weasleys were doing the same. How was he supposed to know who to trust anymore from now on?

"Indeed, those Weasleys have been dosing you and Granger as well. Well, okay, not all Weasleys. Arthur ain't that bad, he's just too cowed by that bitch of a wife of his to stand up to her, and he also has no idea of anything she's been doing. Charlie and Bill are okay too and completely clueless about their mother's activities, as they spend all their adult lives trying to avoid her as much as possible. Percy's not involved either, though he's still a stuck up little ponce. The twins are cool and much too loyal a friends to betray you like that. They actually found out once but their harpy mother obliviated them before they could spill the beans. No, it's the harpy mom, the crazed fangirl they call Ginny and that lazy, self-entitled so-called friend Ron you need to watch out for.

"You see, Ron has been dosing you with loyalty and compulsion potions keyed to him and his harpy mother since the day you met. Btw, you do know that the entire first meeting of them at the train station was a set-up, right? Anyways, starting off with second year, he also started dosing Granger with the same potions, and then added love potions. Your dose was keyed to the fangirl while Granger's dose was keyed to the lazy redheaded idiot himself, and yes, the crazy fangirl weasel was in on it as well, and the harpy mom provided the potions. But again, as I've said, all those potions will be out of your system once the soul bond is initiated and new mind altering potions will have no effect on you and Granger at all. OH, before I forget, the redheaded garbage disposal has also been spying on you for Dumbledork since day one."

Finally, it seemed the story of all the betrayals had come to an end. He had thought Casper might start spouting of betrayals Snape had committed against him, but then figured he didn't need that talk. Snape had been working for Dumbledore for year and did everything that bastard said. Not to mention, Snape was an asshole all around who had, with his last breath, managed to send Harry to his death. So yeah, he just counted Snape on the betrayal list as well.

It was strange, he had thought all of this information would break his heart, but it didn't. It pissed him off beyond belief, yes, but it did nothing to his heart. It wasn't even as big of a shock as it had seemed when Casper had started to talk. It was more like part of him had always known this, deep down, so it was easier to accept.

"Ah yes, I see we're getting somewhere now," Casper said, smiling for the first time since Harry had met him.

"But, what about the Horcrux in my head? Won't I have it again if you send me back to 4th year?" Harry asked.

"Ah yes, that foul thing, indeed. That's where the Goblins will come into place - you need to go there anywhere to claim your inheritance and Lordship – they'll take care of it, but we'll discuss those details later."

Harry though, was puzzled about something Casper had mentioned. "Inheritance? Lordship?"

"Oh, that's right, you have no idea you're filthy rich as well as Lord of a Most Ancient and Most Noble House. The Potter name, is after all, one of the oldest in Magical Britain, but no matter, another thing we'll discuss later. Any other question?" Casper waved his hand at Harry as if to keep the momentum going.

"Yes, actually, is there anything I can do about all the manipulation and betrayals when I go back?" Harry asked.

"Why yes indeed. Before we start on that, undoubtedly LONG discussion of everything that needs to be done, here's a few hints. First, if all goes right, you'll get yourself the best lawyer available, a certain godfather of yours would gain freedom, and perhaps several aforementioned others could get some prison time. How does that sound?"

Harry grinned. "Great!" He paused as he thought of something else. "But, it won't work. The first time Dumbledore or Snape check my mind, they'll know I know and obliviate the hell out of me. All of this will have been for nothing!" Harry sighed, and he thought he'd been so close to a better life. Casper, however, didn't seem fazed by this at all.

"Not to worry, we're sending you back with full occlumency abilities. Your mind will be better protected than anyone else's on earth, and once you initiate your soul bond, Granger will have the same occlumency protections, which means you'll be allowed to tell her everything. Though, you're not allowed to tell anyone else."

Harry sagged in his chair, relief flooding his body. He'd be protected after all, and once he knew everything that needed to be done, he would do everything in his power to make it all better and create a better life for him and the people he loved.

Several long hours and one very LONG discussion later, Harry was armed with all the information he needed to change his world for the better and get rid of all the manipulative influences in his life once and for all.

Casper pushed a stack of papers towards Harry as well as a very fancy pen that Harry was slightly envious of.

"Now, all you have to do is sign these papers – yes, right there, bottom of the last page – that states you will maintain all your memories of this lifetime once you go back. Signed already? Good. Now then, all that's left is to say good luck. Don't worry, I'll pop in from time to time to make sure you're doing your job. And for the love of my sanity, don't die another unauthorized death! Now then, off you go!"

With that said, Casper clasped his hands together and Harry felt as if he was being ripped apart, sown back together, and ripped apart again. Mercifully, it soon ended and Harry felt that he was lying on a soft bed, in a room that smelled extremely sterile, and felt a soft, feminine hand in his. He opened his eyes and smiled; Hermione was asleep in her chair, her head lying on the bed, her hand holding his. He was in the hospital wing, the day after the first task. It had worked! And Harry grinned at how much he was going to blow everyone's minds very, very soon. For once, it was extremely good to be alive and back.