Chapter 12: A Lack of Color

The sound of birds chirping out the bedroom window woke Killian from his peaceful sleep. For a brief moment he felt disoriented as to where he was until he noticed the warm yellow paint on the walls and sunflowers painting hanging on the opposite walls. He looked over at the beautiful blonde sleeping in his arms and smiled. He couldn't remember the last time being so happy to waking up to someone in his bed. No one had meant anything in a long time for him, not since Milah. He was truly happy, and for once was excited about the prospect of what his future held for him. He pulled Emma closer and placed a chaste kiss on her shoulder.

He noticed that his arm was asleep and he tried to move it and in the process woke her up.

She opened her eyes in the dimly lit room of the early morning hours and let out a small groan. Smiling, and in a slightly raspy voice she said, "Morning."

"Morning love," Killian said smiling.

"I'm glad you stayed," she whispered.

"Me too," Killian responded.

"What time is it?" she asked him while rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

Killian glanced at the bedside table, squinting to read the numbers on the clock, "6:30," he said simply.

"Too early for me."

He placed another kiss on the top of her head, "go back to sleep."

She shook her head, "No, I'm already up now. I can never fall back asleep."

For a few more minutes they laid silent but contently, arms and legs completely entwined.

"I haven't been this happy in years," Killian whispered against Emma's hair. He didn't know what came over him or why he said it, but he didn't care. In that moment he wanted Emma to know how special she was to him.

For some reason instead of looking happy, Emma's face became somber and she pulled away from him.

"I'm sorry," he said feeling awkward, "I shouldn't have said that."

"No its fine," she said sitting up slightly in the bed and rubbing her temples in a frustrated manner. "I just didn't want this happen," she added in a whisper.

These words hit Killian like a ton of bricks. He had no idea where this was coming from, especially after such a passionate night and falling asleep in each other's arm.

Killian sat up in bed as well, "Didn't want what to happen?" he questioned, dumbfounded.

"This. Us," Emma said refusing to make eye contact with him. "It's just too much for me."

Killian didn't know what to say. He couldn't pretend that her words didn't hurt and confuse him. They cut him to his core. "I don't understand," he sputtered out.

"I'm sorry," Emma said, "I shouldn't have said anything."

"If that's how you feel, then I'm glad you did." Killian was having a difficult time keeping his voice at an even tone. This all seemed like it was coming out of left field. To say he was confused would have been an underestimate.

The awkwardness hung around them like a thick fog, neither one of them knowing what to say next. Killian stole a glance at her just as she wiped away a tear that had escaped. She brushed it away with her thumb and turned completely away from him, no sitting on the edge of the bed.

"I'm unlovable," she finally said after a few moments of silence.

These words affected Killian more than anything else said between them. "Emma," he said softly moving across the bed and sitting beside her. "You are truly the most incredible woman."

"Please," she pleaded in a pained voice, "don't say anymore." She was avoiding his gaze.

"Why are you doing this?" Killian asked not bothering to keep the hurt out of his voice, "I thought everything was great."

"It was," she said pausing, "It is. This is too hard for me, I can't escape my past. I just can't do it." Again she wiped a tear away and placed her head in her hands.

Killian had no idea what to do. The past few months with Emma had been amazing and now it seemed as if she was willing to throw it all away for no good reason. Last night as he made love to her he could never have envisioned this heavy conversation happening at 6:30 in the morning.

"I don't understand," He said as she shook her head. He could tell that she was getting more and more upset by the minute by tears now streaming down her face.

"I can't talk about it," she choked out.

"Nonsense," he spit out, he was having trouble controlling his anger at this point. "Just tell me what's going on Emma."

"I've been hurt before," she told him, her long blonde hair made a curtain between them and he couldn't see her face.

"Everyone has been hurt before," he said. If that was he excuse Killian thought it was a really lame one.

"I know. I'm not saying that I'm different from anyone else. I'm just saying that I've been hurt…crushed really."

"Please tell me," he said a note of pleading to his voice. "Don't ruin what we have," he added.

"Fine," she said in a frustrated voice. She still didn't turn to look at him as she continued. "Just don't think any less of me."

"I could never…"

She cut him off as she began to speak. "His name was Neal and we were in love. At least I was in love. I don't know what he was…a monster really. He broke my heart."

Killian didn't dare say anything, he just sat there and listened. "He was a thief and a cheat. He lied to me over and over again and I was so stupid that I fell for it every single time. I loved him so much and so fiercely that I took the fall for him and I went to prison for a year. I love everything, my career, my livelihood. I had a promising career and life ahead of me and I threw it all away for a guy. A guy who pretended to love me and abandoned me in my time of need."

He watched as she broke down in front of him. He didn't know how to put in the words the hate that he felt for a man who he never even met. He wanted to rip his throat out.

He rubbed comforting circles on her back and she continued to sob. "He hurt me so much. So much that I'm afraid to fall in love again, to trust again."

"I understand," Killian said to her.

"You don't," she choked out, "I'm so broken."

He pulled her against him and pressed a kiss against her forehead, "You're not broken love."

"I am. I let a man not only ruin my career but I'm letting him ruin the rest of my life as well. I can't believe that I let someone have that much power over me and I'm still letting him have power over me. He's like a disease that I can't get rid of, and I don't know what to do." Her voice no longer shook from emotion, instead she sounded hollow.

"Emma," Killian said grabbing her head pulling her closer to him, "There is stuff in my past that you should know about as well."

Emma wiped the tears from her eyes and turned to face him. Even after her complete breakdown Killian remained and was still holding her hand and comforting her. She had meant to tell him about the baby, but she just couldn't bring herself to do. It was a conversation for another time and place.

"I was in love before. Her name was Milah and she was honestly amazing," he started. Emma wasn't quite sure where he was going with this but remained silent and listened.

"I lost her. It all happened so fast one day she collapsed and the next the doctor told us that she had cancer and two months to live." He didn't cry but was looking at the ceiling to avoid Emma's sympathetic gaze.

"I was young and in love, I used to feel invincible like I could conquer the world. But I couldn't save Milah. Do you know what it's like to watch someone you love wither away to nothing? And to want nothing more than to trade places with her."

Emma felt fresh tears leaking down her face. She squeezed his.

"I'm sorry," Emma told him. She felt her heard breaking for him.

He let out a frustrated laugh, "She was so good, so good and no one could save her. I let her down." Killian hung his head in shame.

"No," Emma said, "Killian you could never let anyone down."

He pulled her into a hug and both stayed in silence until Killian broke.

"Can we give this a shot Emma?" he questioned, "A real shot?"

"I'm sorry about everything," she said, "This is uncharted territory for me."

"It is for me too," Killian admitted, "but I think we fit Em."

Emma smiled for the first time that morning. "I want to try Killian. You mean so much to me already."

Killian barely let her finish her thought before he pressed his lips against her. "Let's just move on from this. Go back to bed and figure this out later."

Emma kissed him back, "Okay," she said simply.

Note: Sorry for the long break between chapters! I will have another chapter posted later this week! Thanks so much for reading!