A/N: Howdy!

Disclaimer: As ever, I only own the idea for this crossover. I do NOT own any references, quotes, or quips contained within this story and they belong to their respective owners. I repeat!

I.

OWN.

NOTHING.

So...I just heard about the massacre in Florida. My prayers go out to all who are hurting and in need. And to the bastard who did it all and offed himself...MAY YOU ROT IN HELL!

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...

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Alright, rant over. So I decided to write this, not only to cheer others up, but a few dear friends as well. I've been playing the Witcher: Wild Hunt for a few days now, and I am in LOVE with the characters and the universe as a whole. Now, one line made me laugh my socks off. Geralt's INTENSE dislike of portals. Then we got into the whole manner of portals and Ciri's ability to travel between worlds and the gears started turning in my mind. Mind you, I haven't touched Blood and Wine yet (as of this chapter) so no spoilers, please!

And another important tidbit, this chapter is set before the events of the Wild Hunt.

So here it is...

"Give that back!"

~Naruto.

I Hate Portals

I hate portals.

There I said, it got it out of the way, right and proper.

Bunch of crazy, inane gobbledy-gook! Step into one, and you've no idea where-or WHEN!-you'll end up! Not to mention they like to play havoc on all your important bits! Experiment with seals, they said. It'll be good for you they said. Learn some new tricks, they said! LIES I said! You'd think after all the crap I went through with Madara and Obito this sorta thing would come to me naturally. Two years later-and as I'd learned quite a bit since those awkward years-so it should be easy, right?

Right...?

NOPE!

Suffice it to say I learned all manner of colorful words.

Because, despite my very best efforts, in spite of MONTHS of study, I didn't understand a thing. Worse, ol' grandma Tsunade said until I mastered it, I was forbidden from setting foot in Ichiraku. As in...banned! Ergo, no ramen. NO! RAMEN! Do you know what that means?! Ramen is love! Ramen is LIFE! Eh, but I'm getting of track, here.

So, you're probably wondering about the title of this story, namely, why I hate portals.

It's simple.

Ever try crossing three seals bursting with demonic chakra? I did, out of sheer boredom.

There you go.

Fell right through the floor and into a lake!

(...)

"Oi, Bert! Turn him over!"

"I'm trying! He's bloody heavy!"

Mud.

That was Naruto's first thought as he finally came to; soaked, bruised, and covered in muck from head to toe. He suspected the only reason he hadn't drowned outright was because someone had dragged him out onto the bank. Gradually, he became aware of someone-or something-poking him in the side. That sensation soon gave way to the rather unpleasant realization that someone was fleecing his pockets for valuables. It wasn't until someone actually reached inside his shirt that his body understood what his mind was so clearly telling him.

Waitaminute!

"HEY!"

Exploding out of the muck with such force that the grime all but flew from most of his body, he swung blindly. A satisfying yelp answered, bone and cartillege folding beneath the clenched knuckles of his fist. Some idiot tried to grab his legs and he retaliated with a bone-crushing kick to the ribs, even as he scrubbed at his eyes with the back of a hand. Mud in your eyes was always unpleasant to say the least, downright painful near the worse; because for some damnable reason his eyes were absolutely burning...

By the time his vision finally returned, he found himself staring at a pair of bearded, bloodied and very much bruised imbeciles sprawled at his feet. It didn't matter that the thieves wore little more than rags-he'd never seen clothing like that, come to think of it-or even that they were glaring at him as though he were the devil himself. Perhaps they thought he was. Again, that didn't register with him.

Because one of them was holding one of his kunai.

"Give me that!" Snarling, Naruto ripped the knife out of the man's hand and smacked him upside the head with the blunt end for good measure. His partner in question yelped and skittered backwards on his hands and knees like a drunken crab.

"By the eternal fire!"

Naruto couldn't help himself.

He blinked.

"Eternal what now?"

"Those eyes!" the other, the one he'd struck, exclaimed. "Eyes like a cat! 'Tis a Witcher! You didn't tell me he were a WITCHER, Peter!"

"I didn't bloody know!" his bearded comrade bleated!

"He's right to gut us for this, he is!"

"Witchers don't kill people!"

"But we stole his shite!"

"Bollocks!"

Amusing as it might have been to watch two grown men bicker themselves half to death, Naruto found his temper slipping its leash with each passing moment. He was cold, shivering, had no idea where he was, and, more importantly, these two idiots-THIEVES-had his shirt and all his possessions tucked away between them. One term pricked at him like a thorn, holding his interest. Eyes flitted back and forth in the waning light of the setting sun, narrowing angrily.

'Witcher? The fuck does that have to do with my-nevermind. Later.'

"Give me back the rest of my stuff." his voice dropped into a snarl. "NOW!"

Fumbling hands returned the rest of his good to him, vest and all. Unfortunately his gear, jumpsuit and all, was horridly damp and stank of the bog.

"Right, so we're good, now?"

For a brief moment, Naruto honestly considered taking his stuff and thrashing the man besides. One look at a nearby puddle confirmed the man's words as well as his own secret suspicions; his blue eyes were somehow gone-replaced by the angry red fox-slit's of Kurama. That didn't bother him so much as it did annoy. The where was confusing enough; beause he didn't recognize his surroundings, not a wit. But, when he tried to think of the how, memory escaped him. There was a blank space somewhere in his mind somewhere between now and the last time he'd been screwing with those seals.

His last memory was of crossing that threshold then...

...nothing.

Naruto sighed.

"Look, can you just tell me where the hell I am and point me to the nearest-

Whatever else he might've said died when he saw the mounting horror dawning on their faces, their visages going chalk white before his very eyes. At first he thought they were actually afraid of him but no, they were backing away from him and one was gesturing frantically. And what was that god-awful gurgling sound behind him...?

"Shite!" the bearded man cried. "Drowners! Run for your life!"

Against his will, Naruto Uzumaki found himself turning, craning his neck in the direction of the squall.

He soon wished he hadn't.

Apparently a "Drowner" consisted of large, blue, bloated creatures that liked to roam in packs. Slim and glistening with slime, no less than half a dozen of their number rose up from the bog around them, fangs bared, clawed fingers stretching towards him in a rictus of an embrace. Naruto felt his skin crawl at the sight of them. Drowners. Their namesake and ghastly appearance left precious little to the imagination - of what would befall him if those webbed fingers got ahold of him. His mind revolted violently as they closed in, gurgling.

Painfully.

He surrendered to his instincts and flared the cloak.

Nothing happened.

Instead of the all encompassing glow he'd grown so accustomed, he felt only the faintest tugging sensation in his chakra coils. Well. That couldn't be good.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding-

His next word found itself lost as the blue beasts swarmed him.

What followed was exactly the rough, no rules, knockdown sort of brawl he excelled in back home.

Two years, after all, had given him plenty of time to hone his taijutsu.

The first Drowner to reach him found itself bereft of a head, its severed skull spinning merrily away until it was lost among the trees. The second, disemboweled as a pair of kunai viciously crosscut deep into its torso, opening twin trenches in its stomach and belching bodily fluids into the swamp to form a ruby red puddle in the waters. By then the remaining four were upon him and Naruto had no more time for conscious thoughts any longer, only instinct. Knives rose and fell, curses and growls were exchanged, blood and bile spattered the ground.

Impossibly, at the end of it all, Naruto found himself standing triumphant.

As the last blue-bloated corpse toppled to the marsh missing most of hits collarbone, he half-expected to find himself left to fend for himself. Imagine his surprise then, when he turned to find to two sods he'd saved rushing to worship the ground at his feet!

"Oh, thank ye master witcher!" the craven-looking one cried. "We never meant to anger ye!"

"Right, right!" His companion hastened to add. "We were just checking! To..ah...make sure you was alive, we were! H-Here!" His hand snapped up and Naruto suddenly found himself holding a pouch filled with what appeared to be a great deal of coin, none that he'd ever seen. "For yer troubles!" They must've seen his scowl, for the latter hastened to add, "Er, we'd be happy to buy you a round back at the inn, give ye a place to dry off. That sound good, master witcher, eh? 'Course it does! Follow us!"

"Now wait just a...

Naruto blinked, watching them recede into the distance.

In the end, seven succinct words came to mind.

...I'm not in Konoha anymore, am I?"

Also!

"The fuck is a Witcher?"

In the end, he didn't have much choice but to follow the peasants out of the swamp. It wasn't as if he could stand here and wait for more of those Drowners to arrive. Perhaps, had he known what was coming, had he realized the adventure that was to follow he would've started walking in the other direction. But he didn't know and so, blind to all that was to come, he followed. He didn't know. How could he have known? If by some fell chance someone were to tell him how it would shape him, that he would change the world, alter it forever, he might've stayed. Yes, had he known these things, well...

...he would have stayed put in that damned swamp.

A/N: And there you have it! My first stab at a crossover with the Witcher series! I do hope you liked it! Pairings and suggestions are welcome a plenty! And YES, Naruto clearly isn't a witcher, but the incident with his eyes will have most folk thinking he is. Consider it something of a running gag. What'll happen next? Will our knuckle-headed ninja make it home? Will he even want to?

So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...

...Review, Would You Kindly?

And of course, enjoy the preview of an oncoming chapter!

(Preview)

"Folk say you're a witcher."

"Do I look like a witcher to you?"

"Have you looked in a mirror?"

"Hey, the eyes aren't my fault. They're stuck like this, for some reason. Blame the damn portal."

Geralt nodded in kindred understanding. He HATED portals and they were indeed the bane of man's existence. Still, he couldn't help his own curiosity. For what he'd been told of this one, he'd taken to rallying the locals to defend themselves against the invaders. That wasn't something Witchers normally did unless a great deal of coin was involved. Judging by the tyke following him, he'd even taken on something of an apprentice, and a girl at that! That she shared the same eerie, red eyes wasn't lost on the Witcher, either. No, Geralt decided, he wanted answers, and he would have them, one way or another...

"What's with the kid?"

Those gentle red eyes turned to ice.

"None of your damn business."

"Explain the medallion, then."

"Eh?" A scarred hand rose, idly fingering the polished metal around his neck. "This? Someone from Velen carved it for me as thanks for saving her from a pack of ghouls. Why? What school did you think I was from?"

"Dunno. School of the Fox, maybe? Never heard of that one before."

"School of the Fox?" Naruto posited, considering. "Huh. Has a nice ring to it! Look, you were searching for someone, right? A lady with black hair? I might have seen-

That was all he managed before an angry peasant had the gall to club him on the head.

"Begone, freak!"

A dark shadow flashed across the young man's face, gone in an instant. Geralt might've thought he'd imagined it altogether were not for the slight twitch in the blond's face, those blazing, burning red eyes. So when Naruto finally straightened, a small smile plastered to his dirty, whiskered cheeks, the Wolf knew at once that they'd erred spectacularly. Given the glaring distrust and scorn he'd been subjected to thus far in White Orchard, he wasn't exactly inclined to intervene.

"Feeling brave today, Boris?" Naruto turned, addressing the growing gaggle of men. "See you've brought some friends this time."

"One of you Witcher's was enough! We don't want another!"

"Funny. See, your sister seemed to like me just fine last-

"Shut your trap, freak!"

Naruto's smile grew imperceptibly.

"So...really brave?"

*WHAM!*

A piece of rotten fruit thudded home into the ninja's palm, nimbly caught before it could splatter across his face. The rod was not. It struck the retired shinobi dead in the back of the noggin, snapping his head back with an audible crack. Even then he didn't move, didn't so much as stumble a single step. When next he turned his gaze upon the mob, his eyes seemed to glow like red hot pokers inside his skull. A hand rose to the staff at his back, unlimbering the lengthy weapon with quiet menace.

"I hope you're happy."

"Oh." The culprit blinked, backpedaling, perhaps finally realizing the gravity of his error. "Oh. I...ah...fuck. Mistakes were made."

Naruto growled.

"And they were yours."

Then he flew at them.

R&R~! =D