Standard Fanfic Disclaimer that wouldn't last ten seconds in a court of law: these aren't my characters. I'm just building sandcastles on J. K. Rowling's beach. Originally published in the fanzine Grimmoire #4 by Ashton Press. Awarded a FanQ for Best Harry Potter Story at the 2016 MediaWestCon.

Harry Potter and the Board of Governors

by Susan M. M.

an AU of J. K. Rowling's Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger were horrified at the sight of Harry Potter's hand. Harry insisted they couldn't tell Dumbledore:, he was too busy, with too much on his mind.

"If the parents knew ..." Ron began

Harry snapped, "Well, I haven't got any of those, have I?" He stormed off.

Hermione thought a moment. "Ron, I know the Wizarding World is ... rougher than the Muggle World sometimes, but this isn't - this can't be - normal, is it?"

Ron shook his head.

"This isn't something Dumbledore would permit if he knew about it?" she asked.

"Bloody hell, no!"

For once Hermione did not scold Ron about his vocabulary.

Ron pointed out, "But Harry asked us not to tell Dumbledore."

"This isn't the sort of thing you can keep secret, Ron. It's - it's," Hermione sought for an analogy, "like if we found out Lavender was being molested; we'd have to tell."

"But Harry said not to tell Dumbledore," Ron repeated.

Hermione was surprised the light bulb over her head wasn't visible to every student in the Gryffindor common room. "According to school rules, if students have a problem, they're to ask their head of house."

Ron realized, "We never said we wouldn't tell McGonagall."

Hermione nodded.

Ron thought quickly, weighing what Harry said he wanted vs. Harry's well-known lack of self-preservation instincts. "We have to tell," he and Hermione said in unison.

Ron took a deep breath. "Let's go, before I chicken out."

Hermione knocked on Professor McGonagall's office door.

McGonagall opened the door. "Yes?" She looked at their faces. "Mr. Weasley, Miss Granger, is something wrong?"

Ron announced, "It's Harry, Professor. He's in trouble."

McGonagall bit back the urge to say 'again?' "Come in, come in. I'll put on a pot of tea and you can tell me what's wrong." This time, she thought.

A few moments later, two students passing by stopped and stared at the closed door, startled by the sound of Professor McGonagall swearing in Gaelic.

"A blood quill, Albus! She used a blood quill on Harry Potter." McGonagall called Umbridge a very unladylike name, and Dumbledore politely pretended not to hear.

"Obviously, she must be removed from Hogwarts at once," Professor Dumbledore agreed. "But carefully. Cornelius sent her, and Cornelius expects her to stay."

"Carefully? I'd toss the cow out on her rump," McGonagall declared. "I'd happily throw her into the lake, with the Aurors waiting with handcuffs and a towel when she climbs out. She should be thrown in Azkaban for what she did."

"I have no objection to such a goal, Minerva, but the political situation is very delicate," Dumbledore reminded her. "We must get rid of her in such a way that Cornelius cannot foist her back upon us, nor anyone like her." He stroked his long white beard, pondering the situation. Then his blue eyes twinkled mischievously, almost malevolently. "And I know just how to do it."

"What is the meaning of this, Dumbledore?" Lucius Malfoy demanded superciliously. He was a tall man, with long platinum blond hair. "We are busy people, with busy schedules. Why call a meeting of the board only a fortnight into the school year?"

"I would not waste your time, Lucius, on an unimportant matter," Dumbledore replied. His tone was far more polite than Malfoy's had been. He nodded at Professor McGonagall.

"I should like to call this meeting of the Hogwarts Board of Governors to order," she stated. "All twelve members of the board are present, as are Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster, Dolores Umbridge, Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor, and myself, Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress, acting as scribe for this meeting." As she spoke, a scarlet quill wrote down her words on a piece of parchment.

Dumbledore nodded toward an empty nook in the back of the room. "Ladies and gentlemen, I should like to introduce our new Defense instructor, Madam Dolores Umbridge. Professor Umbridge, permit me to present the members of the Hogwarts Board of Governors."

Umbridge, a middle-aged brunette dressed all in pink, gave them a saccharine smile.

"Representing the Slytherin parents, Lucius Malfoy, Laura Dawlish, and Miriam Disraeli," Dumbledore said.

Umbridge nodded politely. A former Slytherin herself, she was already acquainted with all three. All wore traditional pureblood robes. Malfoy wore black silk. Madam Dawlish wore pure white robes, which matched her hair. Madam Disraeli's robes were purple, decorated with silver stars.

"Representing the Ravenclaw parents, Sir Ian Inglebee, Zoe Clearwater, and Maureen O'Reilly."

Again, Umbridge nodded. She tried not to show her distaste at being presented to Mrs. Clearwater; the Clearwater family had been Half-blood for generations, and were well known for intermarrying with Mudbloods, Squibs, and even the occasional Muggle. As to Mrs. O'Reilly, well, the less said of the Irish, the better. But Sir Ian, well, he was another matter. He was tied with Gilderoy Lockhart for winning Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award, and was probably the most famous wizard actor of his generation, as well-known in the Muggle East End for his Shakespearean roles as he was in Diagon Alley's Yarvil Theatre and Edinburgh's Kentigern Theatre on Side Way.

"Representing the Gryffindor parents, Benedict Weasley, Bruce McGonagall, and Samarra Chesterfield," Dumbledore continued.

Ben Weasley, like all his kinsmen, was red-haired and freckled. He wore Muggle clothes beneath a second-hand robe. Bruce McGonagall wore his Banchory Bangers uniform. Samarra Chesterfield wore a robe that had cost over a hundred Galleons if it cost a Knut, and whispered Paris in every stitch of Acromantula silk.

"And last but not least, representing the Hufflepuff parents, Florean Fortescue, Denzil Applebee, and Sophronia Wintringham. Ladies, gentlemen, Madam Dolores Umbridge, formerly the Senior Under-Secretary to the Minister of Magic, and currently our Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor," Dumbledore concluded.

Before Umbridge could examine the Hufflepuff governors to determine if they were worth toadying up to or if they should be ignored, she turned to correct Dumbledore. "Actually, Headmaster, I am still the Senior Under-Secretary to the Minister."

"That sounds like a conflict of interest," Zoe Clearwater observed.

"Are you taking two salaries, then?" Ben Weasley asked. "From the ministry and the school both?"

"Madam Umbridge has great plans for improvements and innovations at Hogwarts," Dumbledore spoke up before the discussion could go off topic. "She wishes to - how did you put it? - discourage 'progress for the sake of progress' and 'preserve what must be preserved, perfect what can be perfected,' and especially to 'prune practices that ought to be prohibited'."

"How kind of you to remember my words, Headmaster," Umbridge simpered.

"As you know, we have had some difficulty in keeping a Defense Against the Dark Arts professor," Dumbledore stated.

"You-Know-Who's curse," Fortescue muttered. The ice cream vendor was a middle-aged man with thick brown hair.

"This has resulted in a great deal of chop-and-change in how the subject is taught. Madam Umbridge, therefore, wishes to take a more traditional, more academic approach to teaching," Dumbledore explained. "Her emphasis is on a strong theoretical background of the subject."

"Nothing wrong with that," Sir Ian said.

"Indeed, my understanding is that Madam Umbridge's class consist entirely of reading the textbook and writing about what the book says," Dumbledore continued. "No casting of charms or spells whatsoever, no use of wands, no actual practice."

All the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff governors frowned at that, as did the Slytherin ladies.

"We are, as I said, less than a fortnight into the school year," Malfoy said. "Doubtless Professor Umbridge wants to instill a good theoretical background into the students before doing more practical work later."

"Given the weak instruction and variety of instructors the students have had recently, Cornelius, that is to say, the Minister," she name-dropped shamelessly, "feels it is important that the students learn the theory behind Defense Against the Dark Arts rather than wasting their time actually practicing such spells. The purpose of school is to pass tests, is it not? They would not actually use such spells here in school, nor would they be likely to ever use them after they graduate. It is better by far that they study the subject, and prepare themselves for their OWLs and NEWTs."

"Professor Umbridge," Mrs. Clearwater emphasized the title slightly, "are you aware that there was a basilisk in the school three years ago, attacking students?"

"Or that two years ago, Dementors forced their way into a Quidditch game, endangering the players as well as the audience?" Mr. Applebee added.

"The purpose of a school is not to prepare a student to pass tests, Miss Umbridge," Mrs. O'Reilly stated, her Irish accent stronger than usual. "The purpose of a school is to prepare students for life outside school. Tests are merely measurements, so teachers can tell if the students are learning, or if they need to use a different method to get them to understand."

"Madam Umbridge," she corrected, "or Professor. Not Miss Umbridge, if you please."

"You're single, aren't you?" Mrs. O'Reilly countered.

"Madam Umbridge also has some interesting ideas on discipline." Dumbledore nodded to McGonagall.

Professor McGonagall stood and walked to a side door. She opened it. "Please come in, Harry."

Harry Potter walked in. He stared at the adults around the large oaken table. He smiled when he recognized Florean Fortescue. "Hello, Mr. Fortescue."

Dumbledore looked for a second at the nook in the back of the room. Then he crooked his fingers at himself in a beckoning gesture. "Come here, Mr. Potter."

Umbridge and Malfoy frowned at the sight of him.

"What's going on, Professor?" Harry's voice was barely above a whisper.

"Harry, these people are the Hogwarts Board of Governors. I daresay you all recognize young Mr. Potter."

"Only too well. He's beaten my Tamsin at Quidditch," Mr. Applebee said.

"And my Duncan," Sir Ian added.

"My nevvy's mate," Ben Weasley said.

"I apologize, Mr. Potter. I know how important your privacy is to you." Dumbledore pointed his wand at Harry's arm. He murmurred a spell under his breath. Harry's sleeve pulled up, revealing red letters carved into his arm.

Harry's cheeks turned red. He tried to push the sleeve down.

"No, Harry, let them see what is there," Dumbledore instructed.

Madam Dawlish pulled a pair of spectacles out of her robe pocket and put them on. She stood to take a closer look. "I must not tell lies."

Umbridge's face turned gray.

"That's not ink." Madam Chesterfield sounded disgusted.

Malfoy paled, as he realized what implement had put the sentence there.

"Mr. Potter," Professor McGonagall said, "please tell the board how those words came to be on your arm."

"Professor Umbridge gave me detention. She made me write lines, but she didn't give me any ink. She gave me a quill, and when I wrote what she dictated, the words appeared on the paper in red. And they appeared on my arm." His voice was quiet at first, then grew stronger when he realized that these people were listening to him, listening to his side of the story.

Madam Disraeli gasped. "A blood quill?"

"Just why did she give you detention?" Ben Weasley asked.

"She didn't believe me when I said Voldemort was back," Harry replied.

Most of the board flinched at the name.

"That - that person is not back. He is dead, quite dead," Umbridge insisted.

"Whether he is back or not, do you honestly consider a blood quill a reasonable punishment for a boy too young to shave expressing an opinion counter to your own, Dolores?" Madam Dawlish asked.

"It is not an opinion counter to my own! It is Ministry policy. And to disagree with the Ministry is treason," Umbridge retorted.

"To disagree with the Ministry is every citizen's right," Fortescue spoke up. "They are civil servants, not civil masters. And a blood quill!"

Dumbledore looked toward the nook in the back of the room. He pointed his wand. A glamour fell, revealing two people standing in the nook. A man and a woman stepped forward.

"I'm so sorry, I neglected to mention for the minutes of this meeting that Amelia Bones, head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, and Auror John Dawlish are also present." Dumbledore glanced at McGonagall's quill. It wrote the addition to the minutes.

"May I see your arm, please, Mr. Potter?" asked Madam Bones. She was a tall woman, with a monocle over one eye. "How many times were you required to write this sentence?"

"I lost count. I had detention all week," Harry said.

"Dolores Umbridge, you are under arrest for possession of a proscribed Black Magic item, for use of a proscribed Black Magic item, and for child abuse," Madam Bones declared. "Dawlish, take her into custody."

"No! I was only doing my duty, protecting -"

"Petrificus Totalus!" John Dawlish commanded. Umbridge froze in position, then tumbled to the floor. Dawlish pulled a pair of enchanted silver handcuffs from his pocket. "Hullo, Aunt Laura."

"John," she greeted him curtly. She watched approvingly as he manacled Umbridge.

"Finite Incantatem." Auror Dawlish released Umbridge from the Full Body-Bind Curse.

"How dare you! I am the Senior Under-Secretary to the Minister. You have no right to -"

"Silencio," Dawlish ordered. "You have the right to remain silent, Madam Umbridge, and if I were you, I would exercise that right until I had an opportunity to speak to a barrister. I am arresting you for possession of a proscribed Black Magic item, for use of a proscribed Black Magic item, and for child abuse. You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you say may be given in evidence."

"Take her back to London, Dawlish," Madam Bones ordered.

"One moment, please, Amelia." Dumbledore stroked his long white beard. "Ladies and gentlemen of the board, it is my intention to dismiss Dolores Umbridge from her position as Defense instructor. Do you support me in this action?"

"Bloody hell, yes," Bruce McGonagall exploded.

"Bruce! Language," Professor McGonagall admonished him.

"Sorry, Aunt Minerva," but the keeper for the Banchory Bangers didn't sound repentant.

"The headmaster wishes to relieve the Defense Against Dark Arts instructor of her position, as is his right," Sir Ian Inglebee announced formally. "I move that we support the headmaster's decision. Does anyone second the motion?"

"Seconded," Ben Weasley, Denzil Applebee, and Maureen O'Reilly said simultaneously.

"Those in favor?" Sir Ian asked.

Eleven hands raised. After a moment's hesitation, Malfoy raised his hand, too.

"The motion carries unanimously," Sir Ian announced.

Dumbledore turned to face Umbridge. "You're fired." He nodded in dismissal, and Auror Dawlish led a struggling - but silent - Dolores Umbridge away.

Harry grinned.

"May I have your permission to search her quarters, or will I need to send to London for a warrant?" Madam Bones asked.

"Most certainly you have my permission to search her quarters for that Blood Quill and any other artifacts of Black Magic she may have had. But first, I think we could all do with a spot of tea." Dumbledore clapped his hands twice. Teapots, cups, and biscuits appeared on the table.

"Once again, we find ourselves in the position of looking for a new Defense instructor. Given the problems I've had with the last few, it seems only practical - since you are all here - to obtain your assent to any candidate for the position." Dumbledore took a sip of tea, then set his cup back down on the porcelain saucer. "I should like to suggest Remus Lupin be asked to return. He was one of our better Defense instructors, and quite popular with the students."

Lucius Malfoy nearly spit out his tea. Only years of training in Pureblood etiquette permitted him to swallow it before speaking. "Lupin is a werewolf! It would be far too dangerous."

"My Joachim and Sarah said they learned more under Professor Lupin than all their other Defense instructors combined, and were quite disappointed when he left, "Madam Disraeli said.

"He is a werewolf!" Malfoy repeated.

Amelia Bones set down her teacup. "And from what my niece said, a very good teacher."

"What about Severus Snape, then?" Malfoy suggested. "He's a qualified teacher, and knows the subject matter. He could take over Defense Against the Dark Arts, and someone else could teach Potions."

Ben Weasley shook his head. "From what my children and my niblings tell me, Snape is no great shakes as a teacher."

Laura Dawlish nodded. "I know he's a friend of yours, Lucius, and he's a brilliant potioneer, but from what my grandchildren tell me, he isn't a very good teacher in his own subject. I hesitate to think how he'd do in another subject. In fact, Albus, I've been asked to ask you about his teaching. Apparently his explanations are limited and his demonstrations are non-existent. Just because someone knows something well does not mean that person can explain it to someone else."

Dumbledore said, "That is a subject for another time. Our primary concern now is agreeing on a Defense teacher, so that Minister Fudge does not appoint another 'professor' who does not know how to teach and whose disciplinary methods would not be approved by Torquemeda."

Ben Weasley said, "My nephew Bill is a cursebreaker with Gringott's. He was Head Boy here a few years ago. He'd do well for the position, if you don't think he's too young for the job."

Bruce McGonagall offered, "I'd be interested, but I'm afraid two Professor McGonagalls would confuse the students."

Polite laughter mingled with the clinking of teacups on saucers. "I doubt anyone would confuse you with your aunt," Ben Weasley joked.

Florean Fortescue turned to Amelia. "Perhaps some of your Aurors could take turns with the position. Maybe one of your trainers, who's used to teaching."

"If Professor Lupin were to be rehired, either we could invite Aurors as guest lecturers during the full moon or I could take over the classes for a day or two. I confess it would be a welcome break from paperwork to return to the classroom occasionally," Dumbledore added.

Sophronia Wintringham reached for a ginger biscuit. "I move that Dumbledore invite Remus Lupin to return to the school as Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor, with either Dumbledore or Aurors substituting when he is indisposed."

Miriam Disraeli said, "I second the motion."

Malfoy raised his voice. "I protest! Merlin's beard, I'm better qualified than that beast."

"We have a motion on the floor," Sir Ian reminded Lucius Malfoy. "We can vote on you volunteering for the position after we vote on supporting Dumbledore's candidate for the job. All in favor of Professor Dumbledore inviting Remus Lupin to return as Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, with reasonable restrictions during the full moon?

Nine hands went up.

" All opposed?" Sir Ian continued.

Lucius Malfoy and Denzil Applebee raised their hands.

"Abstaining?"

Maureen O'Reilly raised her hand.

"The ayes have it," Sir Ian announced. "Albus, the sooner you offer the position to Mr. Lupin, the better. Madam Bones, can you supply one of the trainers from the Auror Academy until he says yes or no?"

"Certainly," she agreed..

"Under the circumstances, Lucius, it seems moot to vote on offering you the position," the actor observed.

Malfoy scowled.

"We've done everything we needed to do, I think?" Fortescue asked. "Because I do have a business to get back to."

"I believe so, yes," Dumbledore agreed.

"I move we adjourn, then," Sophronia Wintringham suggested.

"I second the motion," Laura Dawlish said.

"A motion to adjourn has been placed before the board. A motion to adjourn is always in order and is not subject to debate," Professor McGonagall stated. "Those in favor?" All hands went up. "Motion carries; we are adjourned."

"Ladies, gentlemen, thank you for your assistance. Do stay for more tea and biscuits," Dumbledore invited.

"I could do with something a little stronger," Ben Weasley murmured.

"You may return to your common room, Harry." Dumbledore stood and escorted the Boy-Who-Lived to the door. Quietly, he apologized: "I am sorry to have had to display your wounds in public, my boy, but it was necessary in order to remove Madam Umbridge from her post."

Harry nodded. A little embarrassment was worth getting rid of Umbitch, although he was discreet enough not to say so. Such blatant disrespect of an adult - even her - would probably cost Gryffindor house points.

"I told you, Harry, that help is always given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it, but you must ask. I am wise, but not omniscient, puissant but not omnipotent. You must let me know when you need help," Dumbledore said.

Harry nodded again and slipped out the door. Dumbledore took a deep breath. Thank Merlin that Hermione and Ron had had the good sense to ask for help when Harry had been too stubborn. Dumbledore didn't want to think what might have happened had the students not told him and Professor McGonagall about Dolores Umbridge's malfeasance. He shuddered to think what damage that woman could have done had she spent all year at Hogwarts.

Author's Note: Side Way, the Edinburgh equivalent of Diagon Alley, was created by Northumbrian and used with his kind permission.