Doll

Sadness bubbles deep in my sorrow filled heart, gorged amongst my embarrassment. I had been so angry, but I was wrong about who to blame. Amongst the charred bricks and ash of Father's old manor there's enough evidence for my eyes to be opened.

I feel suddenly very naive. Not just have I been deceived, had all my family been killed, and looked like a complete fool, but I may have also lost the only person who may have been able to help.

I continue to cry, feeling pathetic and helpless amongst the billows of soot, broken pillars, and the bones of children.

My eyes burn, my body aches, and my stomach twists from all of my loses. I fall to my hands, pieces of plaster biting into my palms. How will I ever go on without them? They were my family, my friends, my home. They were with me always… at least since the days became bright enough to see by. I am nobody without them! Why should I keep living?!

I punch the ground, feeling the impact all the way up through my arm. I hit something more solid than the ground.

I scan through the area under me, searching for what I hit, discovering a chest below all the rubble. I open it, finding an assortment of prosthetics, several notes, and an collection of books with one sheet on top.

The paper has a dark and detailed black ink of complex symbol. A pentagram? Around is written instructions. I swallow, bile arising again from my already empty stomach.

The blood from my ripped palms seep into the paper. I squint to see a few unfamiliar words more clearly. They aren't English. My lips form around them strangely as I try to pronounce the outrageous vowels.

One week later

"My lady, shall you have your tea now, or would you like to wait until you finish your research?"

I look up in surprise to be joined in my study. The face who looks back at me is sullen. Sullen is as much as he gets. Sullen Blood, a name I chose from spite and irritability. It does seem rather fitting though. His black eyes gleam back at me, shadows dancing about his irises as if forever doomed to be locked there.

"I will take it now," I tell him, clearing a space before he can, because I do not want him to know what my "research" includes.

This week focused on more deceit then I'd liked. Sullen found me a station, a lost governor's son. Ladies aren't allowed any of their own propriety, of course. Nothing of value is to belong to a girl unless she is bearing the child of a man, or raising them, and only if that one is a son. Women are allowed only the jewels about their throats and fingers, a diamond or ruby a smack to the face of her stingy husband and the government's ideals.

Of course, I'm use to pretending, but Sullen also insists upon me acting like a lady, which is disastrously new.

I take a drink of tea as I sit, the sweetness of my sugar drenched tea flooding over my tongue. Sullen had learned quickly of my impossible sweet tooth, and has since kept up with making sure I both eat the things I must to live, without the beiges I'm so used to, while mutely treating me with my secret indulgence.

"You may be interested to know that the Phantomhive Manor is hosting a ball later into the week. Many of your benefactors will be attending."

I'd scowl if only it wasn't new news to me. Phantomhive… Ciel.

"It would be…" Sullen continues.

"I'll go," I interrupt, not looking at him. He knows nothing of the Phantomhives young earl's affiliation with me. To avoid any suspicion from the demon, I add, "Maybe I can meet the Earl and we can talk about their new chocolates that I adore so much."

Sullen nods, bows, and leaves. He likes to leave with no real reason. I believe he has his own, but it may make him seem incompetent rather than irritable to others.

I'm not sure how I feel about seeing Ciel again. I'm still very confused about what had happened, but I have forgiven him for what took place that night a week ago. My burns have healed along with my anger. I miss the others from the circus, but my new life leaves behind all of it, all of the memories.

…

"You move quite well," my teacher, a man whose last name I am unable to pronounce compliments. "You have a very natural gift of grace."

I'd blush and thank him, because praise from him is rare, but the reason behind my poise keeps me mute and counting in my head. I needed grace and balance for a good show on my tightrope.

"That's quite enough," Sullen announces dismissively as he cuts the waltz. I stop and take my hands from the man's neck. He's one of the few who has been introduced to me as a female. He's either being threatened by Sullen or he thinks I'm the real governor's beloved.

"Then I shall see you next week." The man bows to me and makes his escape.

Another enters the room after the man leaves. Spite… also named while I was disgruntled. She bobs in, her tiny childish stature making her seem all but dangerous, but her fiery red eyes and black shiny hair gives everyone a hint of how cross and aggressive she can be.

"My lady." She curtseys, but somehow she manages to seem sarcastic.

Sullen had assured me once we made our contract that I would be protected from harm, which is the only reason I have allowed more than one demon in my company.

"Is it ready?" I ask, my face suddenly alight with energy and excitement.

My dress in all it's splendor fascinates me. Now that I have the money, I feel like I should abolish what must be a horrid reputation in Ciel's mind. I'm the crossdressing circus girl with the prosthetics, an obsession with his company, and a fear of sleeping alone.

All these problems are being taken care of. My crossdressing benefits me greatly. To the government I am the sad eyed of a governor, but to the social world I am a fun but sometimes shy white haired girl that came from nowhere.

Nobody knows about my old circus life except for the witnesses and Sullen, who insists he must everything to properly care for me.

My prosthetics never held me back in the circus, and it doesn't now, with all my 'natural grace'... I'd think not, Sullen maintains my prosthetics with care and is looking into new methods of creating such things.

The Phantomhive company… since I am now one of his best customers, I don't think I owe him anything, except an apology for attacking him.

Spite stays with me while I sleep. She sings softly to keep her presence known. She may not be my preferred company, but she does just fine.

"Do you like it?" Spite asks, proud of her new tailoring ability.

"Oh, yes." I smile at her. "It's beautiful."