This story is a gift to Alexis (msalexiscriss on here). She's honestly the best person ever, and I wanted to write this for her because she got so excited and interested when I told her my ideas about it. But more than that, she's supported me in everything lately, and she just really deserves to have something that's her own. So this story isn't mine, it's hers. Without her, I would have been too scared to write a lot of the things I've written lately. Plus, she's just an amazing person, and I love her with all my heart because she makes me smile like literally every day. (Also, if you haven't read anything of hers, go do it because her writing makes me want to melt with happiness and also angst and it's wonderful!)

Alec had heard Jace say the words "routine patrol" so many times he thought he might actually go over and punch Jace if he said them one more time. Sure, it might have been a routine patrol if they didn't have to stop ever thirty seconds to explain something to Clary. Jace had insisted that she come on the patrol with them, but since this was her first one, she was more of a hindrance than Alec had initially imagined she would be. Alec had given her credit for knowing much more than she apparently did know, and that was saying a lot.

He was getting tired, and all he wanted to do was finish the patrol within a reasonable amount of time so that he could head back home. Using the word "home" to describe Magnus's loft was still something terribly new and exciting to Alec, but it was becoming much easier for him than he might have imagined it could be. Listening to Jace talk to Clary wasn't a very welcome distraction from the patrol, so Alec busied himself with actually looking for any demons, which was something Jace was seemingly neglecting altogether.

In the end, however, Alec ended up walking through the patrol in much the same way he always did. His thoughts easily shifted to Magnus, and there was no turning back once they did so. Had it been a routine patrol, doing so wouldn't have been such a problem. But he was so consumed by his thoughts that he was completely caught off guard when the demons did attack. And the biggest problem was that he knew he should have seen them before they even had the chance to attack. His surprise only caused him to lose the time he would have had to ready his bow.

So all Alec could do was pull out a seraph blade, no matter how much less comfortable it made him to fight with one. He knew he was competent with it, but his bow felt so much like a part of him that he hated to not use it. The biggest problem, however, was that these demons seemed to think that spraying their poison in as many different directions as possible was the best course of action, and his seraph blade meant he had to get as close as possible to be able to kill them.

Alec risked a glance at Jace to see that Jace was absolutely fine. The poison seemed to make Jace even happier, as if giving him a welcome challenge to contend with. The problem came when Alec heard Clary cry out. He looked over to see that she'd been splashed with poison on her arm. There was so little of it that Alec thought of leaving her alone, he knew it would be fine in the end. But then he realized that she had become so distracted by it that she didn't seem to have any idea that the demon was decidedly still there and still preparing its attack.

Alec sighed when he realized that no one else seemed to be noticing this either. His only option seemed to be to launch himself into the situation, so that was exactly what he did. He would have been fine, his plan of intervention was perfect, but he hadn't counted on another demon entering the mix. Before he had time to change anything at all, before he had time to figure out what to do, there was poison making its way toward him, and Alec knew he was at a loss to get out of the way of it. So he simply shoved Clary out of the way while he still had the chance to do so.

The pain was unlike anything Alec had ever felt before. And that was something he couldn't immediately figure out. He'd been splashed with poison before, it wasn't something he couldn't handle. But he hit the ground regardless, the pain consuming him in waves that were growing so close together that he could hardly keep his eyes open anymore. He saw Isabelle take down the last of the demons as he tried to figure out what on earth was going on. Just before he was overcome with darkness, he realized that Jace was on the ground as well. Jace was on the ground and he was clutching his parabatai rune.

The day had been like any other, or so Jace thought it had at first. Their patrol was supposed to be terribly and utterly routine. He could feel how antsy Alec was, how anxious he was to get back to Magnus's. He could see how willing and ready Clary was to learn about their usual routine. He could sense that Isabelle simply wanted to be doing anything productive. And Jace relaxed into how normal all of these things were.

He'd been so distracted by teaching Clary about the patrol and various other related things that he hadn't noticed when the demons attacked at first. Jace made note of the fact that Alec didn't have time to ready his bow, and he silently hoped that he would find a break in the fight to be able to do so. In the end, Jace lost himself in the fight as he generally always did. He loved the thrill of it, and it somehow helped relax him in a way that nothing else could seem to do.

Jace didn't notice when Clary got hurt; he was too busy staying out of the way of the poison that he didn't hear her cry out. But Jace certainly noticed when he was forced to the ground just seconds after killing the demon he'd been battling. Jace knew he had a high threshold for pain, so much so that he was rarely ever made weak by it. But this pain was far beyond anything he'd ever felt before, and it was only made worse when Jace realized that it was coming from his parabatai bond.

His first thought was that Alec had been killed. The pain coming from his rune was so strong that it was all Jace could do to actually pick himself up off the ground and stagger his way to Alec's side. When he realized that Alec was still breathing, that did nothing to subdue the pain in any way. It felt like a part of him had been ripped from him, and that was only made worse by the fact that he couldn't see Alec's own parabatai rune because of all the poison that was covering it.

Jace was in the middle of reaching for his phone to call Magnus when he realized this. He didn't seem to have any control over the fact that he had to move away from Alec enough to vomit; his stomach churning so hard at the sight of Alec's rune that he thought he was going to pass out as well. Now he understood why it felt as though a piece of him had been ripped away. It had. He immediately looked down to see that his own rune was bleeding, and that was all it took for Jace to absolutely lose it.

"Magnus, I need you to wake up and get over here right now," Jace heard Isabelle saying, but that didn't matter to him anymore. Their bond was gone. It had been destroyed, and that was the only thing that mattered to Jace at the moment. He felt like there was a hole in his chest, and he knew it would never be filled again. He couldn't help but shrug Clary's hand away when she tried to comfort him. There was nothing that would comfort him now. Jace was so consumed with the thought of his loss that he didn't move a muscle until Magnus arrived and decided they needed to get Alec to the infirmary.

Jace stayed by Alec's side for the five days it took for him to wake up. Magnus had said it was a close call, that the combination of destroying the rune and the injury itself was enough to kill Alec. Magnus mentioned knowing of people who had died from the loss of their parabatai alone, but Isabelle had quickly shut him up about that. So it was no surprise to Jace that Alec was feverish, that Alec was still in pain even though he was unconscious. It wasn't a surprise to him, but that didn't mean that made it hurt any less.

In the five days that Jace stayed in the infirmary with Alec, there were at least eight times he thought he was going to die as well. There were times that the pain overwhelmed him once more and took his breath away so quickly he began to think he didn't have any hope of getting it back. It was at times like these that the only thing Jace could seem to do was grab onto Alec's hands and close his eyes until the pain subsided. But even when the worst of it subsided, the pain was still there in some form. Eventually, the constant pain turned into an empty sort of numbness, and Jace was completely helpless to do anything about it at all.

Clary tried to talk to him several times, but Jace pushed her away each time. He knew he was being irrational. He knew that Clary had much, much less training than any of them. But every time he thought about the situation, he couldn't help but think that it might have turned out much differently if it weren't for Clary. And Jace hated those thoughts, but he couldn't seem to stop them. He wanted more than anything to retreat into the comfort he found in Clary, but he couldn't bring himself to so much as let her in the same room as Alec.

"You're thinking about what you could have done to make things turn out differently." Alec's voice came as a surprise to Jace because he'd been so consumed with his thoughts that he hadn't realized that Alec was awake. Alec's voice was cloudy with pain, and Jace immediately reached to text Magnus, hoping that Magnus would be able to do much more than he would. "But there's nothing you could have done, Jace. So don't blame yourself for this."

Jace automatically reached to gently push Alec back down on the bed as he moved to get up. "You're in no shape to get up right now," he said, his voice much gentler than he knew it had been in a very long time. "And I'm not exactly blaming myself for anything right now." Alec looked at him with open confusion, but he waited to respond because Magnus had entered and was going about fussing over him. Jace welcomed the distraction, knowing that Magnus was the best possible person to take care of Alec at the moment.

"You're blaming Clary," Alec said when Magnus finally sat down and stopped worrying so much. It was more of a statement than anything else, and Jace knew he wasn't questioning it so much as he was thinking out loud. Jace didn't move to deny it, mostly because he was focusing on trying to breathe through the overwhelming feeling that Alec was gone. "I'm still here, Jace," Alec said, his voice becoming much gentler and much more understanding than it had been before. He reached over to take hold of Jace's hand, and Jace reached back as though his life depended on it.

"I know that," Jace said, his voice much tighter than he had expected it to be. "Logically, my brain knows that you're sitting right beside of me." Jace tried to ignore Magnus's intrigued stare. He knew if he thought too much about it that he wouldn't allow himself to open up and actually speak his mind. "But physically, everything in my body is telling me that you've been ripped from me. It's like no matter how close I am to you, you're still gone." Jace took a deep breath, trying to steady himself, and finally risked a glance at Alec to see the same feelings mirrored on Alec's face.

"Just take a deep breath, Jace," was all Alec said, but somehow, it was enough. Had anyone else said it, Jace likely would have laughed at them. Or become angry with them. But just knowing that he wasn't the only one who felt everything at the moment was enough to keep him going, at least for the moment. "But I do think you should go talk to Clary," Alec continued, just as Jace had known he would. "You know it's not her fault, Jace. I made my decision. I didn't have to protect her, but I did. So if you want to blame someone, blame me."

For several seconds, Jace simply stared at Alec. Alec had never said anything like that before, and Jace was having trouble believing that he actually would. "You blame yourself," Jace finally said, knowing that he was right without having to say anything more than that. It somehow felt strange to still be so familiar with Alec even without their bond, but he could tell from the look in Alec's eyes that he was all too right. Sighing, Jace finally got up, only pausing to say one more thing before leaving the room. "Funny thing because I seem to be switching to blaming myself as well."

When Alec woke up, he felt like there was an impossibly heavy weight on his chest. He could hardly take a breath because of it, even though he knew there wasn't anything there. He slowly began to remember the demon attack; he very slowly began to realize what was wrong with him. Jace had been torn from him in almost the worst way possible. Alec hated to think that he would rather one of them had actually died, that it might be easier that way, but he couldn't keep himself from thinking it after he began speaking with Jace.

Jace was terribly right about the situation. It made no sense at all, but his body kept telling him that his parabatai was gone. And all he could do was sit by, consumed by his own pain, as Jace left the room, his shoulders slumped from his own guilt. "I thought we were going to lose you," Magnus said shortly after the door to the infirmary had closed once more. His voice was resigned, almost as if he had become so tired he'd simply accepted what was happening. "You have no idea how close it was."

At that, Alec motioned for Magnus to come sit with him. He was partially hoping that Magnus's presence would be able to diminish the pain in some way, but he quickly found out that nothing could do that, not even being in the same room as Jace. He constantly felt as though he was drowning, as though he was suffocating, as though everything that mattered to him had been ripped from him. Alec didn't realize he was crying until Magnus reached up to wipe his tears away, and then it felt like the damn inside of him broke.

The fact that it had only been a couple of months since they'd lost Max only made the entire situation that much harder, and Alec couldn't seem to control his thoughts any longer. No matter how many times he told himself that Jace was still with him, his mind wouldn't be calmed. No matter how much he tried to distract himself by focusing on Magnus, nothing made a difference. His grief over Max only heightened his grief over the loss of his bond with Jace, and it began to feel as though he might never feel emotionally stable again.

When Magnus said that he needed to check Alec's wounds, Alec wanted to curl up and shy away from everything that was going on. For the first several seconds, he refused to look at the wound. When he finally brought himself to look at it, he registered the fact that Magnus was warily eyeing him, as if trying to figure out the best way to help Alec through it. Alec thought he was going to be sick as soon as he saw the wound, the mangled mess of skin that used to be his parabatai rune. Knowing the bond was gone just by feeling it was much different than actually being forced to admit it because he'd finally looked at the wound. Magnus had carefully cleaned the blood away from it, and Alec could just make out the shape that the rune had been in. It had become such a part of him that seeing himself without it was more of a shock than he could ever imagine. More than anything, that was the one rune that made him who he was. And now it was gone.

There were a million things he wanted to say to Magnus, there were a million questions he wanted to ask, but in the end, he only asked one. "What day is it?" he said, his voice barely above a whisper. The only thing Magnus could seem to do was hand Alec his phone, and Alec knew what that meant before he even turned the phone on to see the date. It was the day after his birthday. His nineteenth birthday. Meaning that he and Jace couldn't have the ceremony to fix their bond. Meaning that he was separated from Jace forever. Meaning that he blamed himself more than ever for everything that had happened.

Talking with Clary was going just as terribly as Jace had anticipated, and he couldn't see any way to pick the pieces back up. Admitting to her that he slightly blamed her for what had happened had been much easier than Jace knew it should have been. The problem was that Jace could see the pain this admission caused her, and that only made things worse in the whirlwind that was currently his mind. "You know I never meant for this to happen, Jace," she said, her voice heavy in a way he'd never heard before. "You know that if I could fix this I would do so in a heartbeat."

He had to admit that he knew everything she was telling him. He had to admit that she was right, but his irrational mind didn't want him to admit that. "I feel like I'm in pieces, Clary," Jace finally said after several long, agonizing seconds. "The only times that I can remember not being connected to Alec are the times I was being abused by Valentine. Our parabatai bond was the best thing that ever happened to me. And now it's gone. Just like that. And now that he's nineteen, we can never get it back."

Jace surprised himself by not pulling away when Clary reached for his hand. It was almost a comfort to actually be with her again, to let himself open up to her. "The biggest problem right now, Jace, is that you're looking at the worst part of this situation." Jace was slightly speechless at this turn in conversation, so he simply remained quiet. "No, I'm not saying I understand what you're going through or that you don't have the right to grieve. But Alec is alive. I know that may not mean much right now, but when the two of you get past your pain, that's going to mean the world. Alec is your brother regardless of whether or not the two of you are bonded. And you know that, Jace."

The last thing Jace wanted to do at the moment was smile, but that's exactly what he found himself doing, and he knew that only Clary could make him do so at a time like this. "You have every right to be upset and angry," Clary continued, giving Jace's hand a gentle squeeze as she did so. "But you and Alec need to focus on all the good that came out of your bond, not the fact that it's been severed. I'd like to think that your bond changed both of you for the better. I'd hate to see the men you two would have become without each other."

Despite everything Jace was currently feeling, he found himself chuckling at what Clary was saying. The best part of it was that he knew she was right about everything she was saying. It took Jace several seconds to realize that Alec was standing behind him laughing as well. His first instinct was to go to Alec's side and help him because Alec was very obviously still in pain from his injuries, but Alec waved him off without a second thought. "She's much wiser than you'll ever be, Jace," he said, his voice much brighter than it had sounded earlier.

The waves of pain were still coming, but Jace realized that he was much more able to handle them at the moment. He was breathing much easier, and the fact that both he and Alec had smiles on their faces was testament enough to the fact that they were going to actually make it through. "We're gonna be fine, aren't we?" Jace finally asked, studying Alec's face for any little sign he could pick up. The absence of the bond hit him when he realized that he usually relied on the bond to know what Alec was feeling. All Alec did was nod and walk forward with his arms out. Jace welcomed Alec's embrace in a way he never had before. "Absolutely fine," he said, moving to stick his tongue out at Magnus, who was making a face at him from over Alec's shoulder.