A/N before we start this story (and I will not usually put them at the top of chapters, but I am going to make an exception just this once).

This is kind of a crack-fic. It started out semi-serious, but around chapter 5 I just kind of gave up, and by the end it's completely off the wall silly. I left plenty of room for a sequel someday, so some minor plot points aren't resolved. If you don't like silly or stupid humor, you might not like this. If you do, it careens off the wall, crashes into the fourth wall, bounces back off, and finally settles down in a chaise lounge with a nice vodka. You've been warned. The first five chapters are very different in tone than the last five.

That said, there are a few utterly unique things in this story - you will not see them anywhere else, and if you do, I came up with them. I hope they are to your liking. Feel free to use them. Give credit if you can.

I hope you enjoy this story.

On with the show.

Start of Story

Harry walked out, shaking just a little, into the stadium, where all of his classmates – friends and enemies alike, though it seemed that there were more enemies than friends – were sitting watching him about to go to his certain death watching a dragon he wasn't prepared to face. The dragon sat there, huffing, steam coming out of its huge nostrils – but there was also a... curiosity... to its gaze?

As Harry walked closer, in a haze of fear, he thought about how he got to this place. He was sent to live with his relatives, the Dursleys, who hated him and all aspects of magic. No one came to check on him for years, even though the letters were address to the "cupboard under the stairs" - hadn't anyone seen that? And then every year at Hogwarts, he was faced with almost certain death, managing to escape it mostly by the skin of his teeth, and as McGonagle would say, sheer dumb luck. And now he was in a contest that he was entered into against his will, being three years too young, and everyone who he thought was with him was now his declared enemy. He could even see the blinking "Potter Stinks" badges from where he was standing.

Something snapped inside him. He no longer cared if he won, he no longer cared if he played, he no longer cared if he defeated Voldemort, he no longer cared if he kept his magic, he no longer even cared if he lived. And he stopped where he was, about fifty yards from the dragon, and he sat down.

The crowd started to murmur, the Slytherins especially booing and throwing things over the bleachers at him.

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The Goblet of Fire was a powerful magical artifact. So powerful, in fact, that it had gained a small degree of sentience, after it had had its fill and more of the ambient magic of Hogwarts and more kept coming. It was aware of how Harry had come to be entered into the tournament, and because of the magical binding with Harry, it knew how Harry felt about fulfilling the contract. It was a powerful artifact, but Magic itself was not without compassion, and in all of its years as an artifact, it had never encountered a situation such as this, where someone was entered against their will with the sole purpose of killing them.

It didn't take long for the Goblet to decide to rectify one of the few injustices that it had direct control over. It acted.

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Harry

Harry heard a small, whispering voice in his head.

Harry, listen to me.

"Who are you?", Harry half said, half thought.

I am the artifact you know as the Goblet of Fire.

"Go away. I don't want to talk to you. You're partly responsible for getting me into this mess in the first place."

You're right, the Goblet said with a faint tone of regret in its voice. I have recently gained sentience due to the magic of the castle, and I know how you got entered. This is an injustice, and I am going to fix it right this moment. You are no longer bound by the magical contract – the one who entered you is bound in your place. I am already removing their magic.

"Who entered me?", Harry said with some curiosity.

I don't know, the Goblet said. They were, how do you magic-users say, oh yes, disillusioned. But you will know the next time they need to perform magic and can't.

"So what do I do now?", Harry asked.

You could walk away right now, the Goblet responded, with a note of humor in its voice. But you don't have to. Want to have some fun with this?

Harry grinned. "What do you have in mind?"

The Goblet told him.

Scene break

After about five minutes of dialogue with the Goblet, Harry finally stood up. The crowd was getting extremely restless, with some Gryffindors beginning to pick fights with the Slytherins, who were cunningly responding with insults to the Gryffindors' ancestry, intelligence, and hygiene. Ravenclaws had pulled their books out to get some probably completely unneeded studying in, and the Hufflepuffs just sat there being loyal. They weren't sure to what they were being loyal, but their job in Hogwarts was to be loyal, and bugger it all, they were going to be loyal, and they worked hard at it.

He walked slowly towards the dragon, and smiled a toothless smile, as the Goblet had told him that the dragons saw any show of teeth as an aggressive move. He stopped about ten yards from the dragon, well within the roasting zone, but knew that it was a show of trust. And he spoke.

"Hello, lady dragon", he spoke in parseltongue.

The dragon cocked her head curiously, but did not respond.

"I know you can hear and understand me, lady dragon. I will not attempt to steal your eggs. In return, I ask that you hear me out and not injure me in any way."

The dragon still did not respond, but nodded her head slowly, and lowered her head so that her eyes were level with Harry's. A little steam escaped from her nose, and Harry gulped. But the Goblet's suggestions were clear, and he had nothing to lose except his life, which he no longer cared about. So he plowed forward.

"I know that they brought you to this place against your will, lady Dragon. I was entered into this competition against my will, as well. I don't want to be here, and I really don't care if I win or not. Honestly, I don't care whether I live or die. But all these people are here for a show, and it's a show that I want to give them. So how do you feel about showing all of these people exactly how you feel about being brought here with your precious clutch of eggs?"

The dragon's lips curled into a feral smile.

Harry smiled as well. He hesitantly reached out and rubbed his very small (in comparison) hand against the side of her snout, and she closed her eyes for just a little bit at the contact.

"Asperanth."

Harry's hand paused as the dragon spoke. "What?"

"Asperanth, little one. That is my name. Guard it well. We do not usually tell two-legs our names. They are sacred to us."

Harry smiled, a real smile this time. "I promise, lady Asperanth. My name is Harry."

She nodded, then turned and looked at the chains that were staked to the ground, then at her eggs.

"Your idea pleases me, little Harry. But as you can see, I am forced to participate, just as you are. I fear that if I were to cause trouble for the other two-legs, they would destroy my eggs."

Harry shook his head.

"Lady Asperanth, they will not destroy your eggs. In our culture, dragon eggs are very valuable. Even one dragon egg would pay the salary of one of your 'keepers' for a year. Now they might attempt to destroy you, but you are a mighty dragon."

She sighed, a huff of steam escaping from her snout.

"That may be, young one, but they have captured me, have they not?"

Harry nodded.

"They have. If I set you free, what will you do?"

"What can I do, little one? They have my eggs. They are more precious to me than they are to you. How would you feel if they took your young and held them hostage so you could perform in a... circus?" She huffed the last word.

Harry frowned. He saw her point.

"I have an idea", Harry said. "May I touch your eggs?"

Asperanth nodded, if a little hesitantly.

He conjured a large bag. "This bag will not last more than a few hours, but it should be plenty long enough for you to put your eggs somewhere safe. I am going to put cushioning charms on your eggs, put the eggs in the bag, and then remove your chains. You may then go wherever you choose, free from your 'keepers'."

"As you say, little one. But one of those eggs does not belong. Please leave it out."

Harry then set about doing exactly as he said. Finally there was a bag, full of cushioned eggs, and the dragon had been released – but he had released her in such a way that no one had noticed, though the keepers were obviously very angry at his treatment of her eggs. They could not enter the arena, though, as the competition had not ended.

"Hold still, young one. I will not hurt you."

Asperanth lifted one talon and gently touched Harry's forehead. His scar pulsed with pain, and then he suddenly felt far lighter than he had ever felt, full of power and energy.

"You had a shade of darkness in your scar, little one. I removed it and replaced it with the Mark of the Dragon. All dragons, anywhere, will see this mark and know that you are our friend. Thank you, little Harry. I will not forget you, nor what you have done for me."

And with that, the dragon took flight, She flew over to the bleachers where the professors were standing, and hit them all with a small puff of flame. Just enough flame to singe Dumbledore's beard). While the judges were patting down their clothing to put out the flames, she stuck up one of her middle talons at her keepers, then, the bag of eggs gripped in the other talon, she flew off into the distance.

The stadium was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop. Harry calmly walked over to the golden egg and picked it up. He walked back to the tent, but before he entered the tent, he stopped, looked up at the crowd, and with a sneer, gave them the two finger salute. Then as the crowd roared with a combination of approval and great offense, carrying his treasure, he walked to the tent and off the field.

A/N If you like this story, please review. I am not holding the next chapter "hostage", as it were, but I am human and knowing people enjoy it would give me much motivation to write more of the story. How does Harry handle the next tasks? What is the fallout from his "performance"? Will he ever see Asperanth again? If you review, there's a greater chance of finding out then there would be otherwise. Regardless, I hope you enjoy this little story, even if I never expand it past this.

If you want to take this story and expand it, please, feel free. I'd find it interesting to see what others do with this beginning.

Update 7/23/16: Made a spelling correction and a few minor, non-story-affecting changes.

Update 3/18/17: Updated beginning note.