AN: This has been in my head for a while and I need to get it out. I will continue with AFITR soon. This is my A/U of season three between episodes six and seven. I know many scenarios have been written on this subject. I wanted to explore, the Jax and Tara drama with Ima, in a new and familiar way. Please leave a review. Your reactions will influence the continuation of my story.

Disclaimer: All of this subject matter belongs to SOA and Sutter. FF writers own their original work. I used their ideas to build my story.

Chapter 1

The Push

The room is dark, the air is heavy, my heart is broken. I am unable to think clearly. Jax has finally pushed me away for good. He is done, done with me, done with love, done with us. It doesn't matter what I want, or what I need. I wonder if Jax is right, Abel could be dead, but, in my heart, I feel he is alive. None of that matters anymore. I will leave, he doesn't want me anymore. I never thought our love would die. Before Abel was taken, our bond of love felt stronger everyday. I thought we were happy, happy family, happy in love. I trusted Jax with my heart. Gemma always said this would never work. Damn, I hate the idea that she is right. Jax is broken and he is not the same. Now is the time for me to own my place and be responsible. It is now five in the morning, but I have to find Jax before I leave forever.

Tara arrives at TM with all of her bags packed. She is not clear as to where she is going; she is still leaving today. Tara walks into the clubhouse looking for Jax. He is not in the bar room. She figures he is probably still asleep in his dorm room. As Tara walks back to find Jax, Opie steps out of his room. "Tara what are you doing here so early in the morning?" "I need to find Jax." "Tara, he is not here. I don't know where he is." Tara senses Opie is trying to hide something from her. She knows Jax is here, because his bike is parked outside. Tara walks boldly to Jax's room feeling like she will find out why Opie is so guarded. The door is not locked as she opens it quietly. Jax is wide awake, in bed, smoking a cigarette, he is startled as she walks into his room. The smell of cheap perfume, sex, and booze hangs in the air. The smell makes her nauseous. She is running to his bathroom, but she stops at the bathroom door. Ima is blocking her entrance. Tara has no choice, she vomits in Ima's face. Thankfully, the whore moved so Tara could finish being sick in the bathroom. She sat there frozen and stunned. How the hell is she going to handle this now. After thirty minutes she hears, "Tara, Tara, you okay?" Oh, now, this is perfect, I should just vomit in his face too. Jax actually has the nerve to open the bathroom door, standing in his sweats. I brush past him.

I turn and stare directly into Jax's eyes. "Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt your thing with Ima." I need to leave quickly. But, I decide to sit down and swallow my pride. Jax actually looks disappointed; I bet he expected me to run. "I came here for a specific reason and right now my reason has changed." "What the hell, Tara, I am done, remember." "Yeah, Jax, I remember, I remember everything. I can assure you I am done too. Thank you for making my departure easier." Jax has the strangest look on his face. I wanted to laugh, except it is all so pathetic. "I need to tell you how devastated I am for not protecting Abel with my life. He is my first son and I will always love him. My second son will never suffer this life. Goodbye, Jackson." Standing up to leave, my legs go weak and I fall back into the chair. Damn, I need this torture to end.

"Your second son? What does that mean?" "Well, Jax, I guess being with Ima allows her brain cells to diminish your brain too. Look, Jax, I am really sorry I came here. Obviously, you never really loved me. I served you well while Abel was with us. You needed me to care for Abel. But, now that Abel is gone you don't need to pretend any more. I actually thought you did love me. That is my mistake. At least I will be leaving with the one thing I will always love." Jax pulls a chair up in front of me and sits down as he is running his fingers through his hair. I need to escape; I am done talking. Unfortunately, Jax is blocking my exit. "Tara, I do want you to leave. I left my dorm room door open hoping you would find me with Ima." I am astounded with his brutal honesty. This not the Jax I ever loved. I don't know who this man is. Suddenly, I am filled with a new strength of resolve in myself. Finally, any love I feel for this shallow character of a man is changing. I am so much better off without him, the pain of his betrayal is turning into feelings of relief.

"Congratulations, Jax. You now have everything you wanted. I am leaving." "No, Tara, please wait I don't want you to leave without knowing the truth." This is crazy. Why do I let him talk. Shit, I am getting sick again. I motion to Jax that I need to get to the bathroom quickly. Thankfully, I make it to the bathroom just in time to vomit my guts out. This exit is not going well. Jax has the nerve to walk into the bathroom and hands me a wet wash cloth as if he gives a shit about me. Being pregnant is not helping me to escape. Physically, I feel weak and woozy. Jax helps me out like I am some kind of wounded animal and lays me down on his bed of sex and shit with Ima.

"Jax, let me get out of here now, please." "I can't Tara. I can't live with myself until I tell you the truth. I do love you Tara." "No, no, no you are a lying coward and I am done with your lies and duplicity." Jax, ignoring Tara's comment, continues,"Ever since Abel was taken, I have been trying to push you out of my life. Every night I have the same nightmare; I see you dead on the floor instead of Half Sack. Blood is everywhere. I wake up shaking as a cold sweat pours out of me. I can't let my life kill you, Tara. They took my son. Tara, they took our son…how could I let you live with me knowing the danger and violence of this life. If he is killed and you…I have failed to protect him. But, I must not fail to protect you. It doesn't matter how much I love you if you are dead. I want you out of my life because I am afraid. I never told you because I am paralyzed by my fear. I can't let my desperate love for you prevent you from leaving me. I want you to hate me. I want you to think I am a lying cheating bastard. I fucked Ima and I hated it and I hate myself. I love you so much." Jax can't speak, his words have turned into tears, and sobs.

My first reaction is to try to comfort him, instead I walk away from him. There are so many things that could be said; now is not the time for words.

I am only certain of one thing,"Look at me, Jax; go find our son."