Yaoi is a wonderful thing
The DW characters discovered yaoi….
Ace: Hmmm….hey.
What? Do you have another nasty plan to torture the DW characters?
Ace: Haha, right as usual. Here, I want you to kidnap the DW characters again.
Again?! Argh, does this mean I have to knock them out using chloroform-coffee and put them in bags again?! If I'm not getting a raise for this, I'm out.
Ace: Aw, why must you be so mad? You're the actual god(dess) here. You wrote and directed everything that happened here. Even I am only a figment of your interpretation of Akihiro Suzuki. So you have no actual burden.
Huff…okay, okay, you win. But it seems that we've ran out of coffee.
Ace: What?! How is that possible?! Oh, right, I used nearly all of them to brew a coffee possible to knock out Lu Bu….hmmm…..oh, I know!
What?
Ace: Maybe we can replace the coffee with wine! Haha! Splendid!
Why am I not surprised? But hey, wine is already enough to knock them out, why need chloroform?
Ace: Well, this is because with guys like Lu Bu, we need more than just wine to knock them out cold! Okay, no more questions! Get it done immediately!
Sigh…alright, alright. Wait, this time you want me to kidnap ALL DW characters, not just the classics like the previous time?
Ace: Yes!
But why? Hey, you haven't even told me your plan yet.
Ace: Why should you ask? YOU'RE the one who came up with the plan. Hey, you're the writer, remember?
Oh, right. My fucking bad, sir.
2 hours later
Here is it. Oof, they're so fucking heavy.
Ace: Ah, good. You managed to capture all characters! Splendid! Now put that bag right here and, okay, I'll take a look at my Mega-Computer first…
Whoa! Damn, dragging 83 characters in one bag is sure really heavy, even if they're only amalgamations of pixels. Hey, what are you looking at?
Ace: Hmmm….well, I'm checking the statistic of yaoi fics on FanFiction today. Hmm…so I'm right! There IS an around of 2,5% increase of yaoi fics between 2013-2015! I'd say it's due to the new characters introduced in DW8 and it's Xtreme Legends and Empires expansion, or just an added relationship to the previously unaffiliated characters, but it's true! Haha!
Uhh…so…
Ace: Well! We all know that this series is overflooding with yaoi fanbase. Yuri? What the fuck is yuri? Pfft! Hahahaahahahahaa! Okay, okay, what I really want is to show the DW characters the yaoi that the fanbase has provided for them, and see what their reactions are! It'll be fun!
Why am I not surprised? Fine then, you want me to take them to the cells?
Ace: Of course! Bring them their laptops too!
Okay, okay! Seesh, sometimes I kinda feel sorry for these characters. Oh well, it's not like that I'm the one who came up with the plan to torture them. Oh wait, I'm the writer, so technically I am the one who came up with the plan. Huff…I don't know, maybe I can turn out to be as sadistic as Ace when the time comes, who knows…
Unknown place
Everyone: Oof! Hey, what is this place?
Classic Characters: Hey…this place seems…familiar.
New Characters: What do you mean?
Classic Characters: Yeah, we've been kidnapped and thrown here before. And now the kidnappers decided to kidnap everyone else too!
New Characters: What?! What did they do to you?
Classic Characters: Well, they asked our opinions about our old and new appearances…
New Characters: Oh, then we guess we won't suffer anything horrible.
Ace: on a big screen But not today! Ahahahahahahahahaha!
Zhao Yun: Hm? Hey, you again! What do you want with us today?!
Ace: Hahaha! It's alright, I won't hurt you! At least not physically, though severe mental scars might be abound. Haha!
Ma Chao: Tch! Quit messing around! Tell us what you truly intend!
Ace: Ohoho…here, we all know here that this series is RIFE with homoerotic subtexts between all of the dozen attractive guys we have here, to the point where there are no lesbian subtexts like other games, because here the females are scarce!
Jiang Wei: So…what's your point!
Ace: Ohoho! I know that you'll admit it! And so today, I'd like you to take a look at what the yaoi fandom of the series made of it! So take a look at your laptops now!
Hey, psst, do you think they know how to operate the laptops! They've been dead for like, 1800 years before laptops were invented.
Ace: Ohoho, it's alright! Insertmanyfandomshere has already introduced them to laptops, after all!
Insertmanyfandomshere: Hey! Why drag me onto this?!
Ace: Hey, guest appearances make everything 1000x better! You, too, are a famed DW fic writer, so I suppose our fans will be delighted to see you-
Insertmanyfandomshere: Argh, but this is ridiculous! You don't even ask my permission first! That's it, screw this, I'm outta here!
Ace: H-hey! Huff, s/he's gone….oh well, let's see how our DW characters are doing!
Shu side
Zhao Yun: Me, and….M-ma Chao?! What….what heartless demon could do this to us?!
Ma Chao: This is a slander! This is injustice! My spear shall smite injustice! Hyaaahhh!
Ace: Hey! Stay away from my laptop!
Guan Yu: Xiahou…Dun? What?! This is a blasphemy for the God of War! I shall smite this laptop with my crescent blade!
Ace: Hey, hey! Don't break my property!
Liu Bei: Z-zhao Yun? Is that Zhao Yun?! And me? blushes
Zhang Fei: Daaaaammmnnn brother! Hey, there's one with you and Zhuge Liang as well.
Liu Bei: Zhuge Liang too?! faints
Zhang Fei: H-hey! Brother! Are you alright?! Hey, hey!
Zhuge Liang: Jiang….Wei?!...
Jiang Wei: Prime minister-
Zhuge Liang: NO! STAY AWAY FROM MY INNOCENT, IMMACULATE BODY! YOU SHALL NOT GO NEAR ME! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! runs away
Jiang Wei: No, wait! Prime minister! Waaaaaiiiitttt! Hm, come to think of it I kinda enjoy what they did to me and prime minister. Don't know why prime minister was so horrified from it….
Pang Tong: I-is that me with Zhuge Liang?! What?! And….oh my god, JIA XU?! WHAT THE FU- faints [1]
Ma Dai: Aaahh! Me and young master?! covers face Come on, that's incest!
Ace: Well, any incest is legitimate in yaoi.
Xu Shu: Me, with Zhuge Liang? W-wait a minute, Xun Yu?! How the fuck's that even possible?! We're from different kingdoms! Argh!
Guan Xing: M-me and Zhang Bao?! What the-?!
Zhang Bao: Ahahaha! Damn, that's the hot stuff! Told you it would be good- Yow!
Guan Xing: Shut the fucking hell up.
Wu side
Zhou Yu: S-sun Ce?! Is that me and him?! Impossible! I have a wife!
Ace: Well, the fans think that you having a wife is gross because she's underage, so they paired you with Sun Ce instead.
Zhou Yu: But he's my brother-in-law! And it's not my fault that I have a loli for a wife! I'm not a pedophile!
Lu Xun: What in the name of flaming fuck is the reason for pairing me up with CAO PI?! We BARELY met each other! Novel and history! This is ridiculous!
Ace: Don't ask me. I don't know why it's so goddamn popular either.
Taishi Ci: Me and Sun Ce?! What?! This is outrageous! Did they do it because of that goddamn San Three Kingdoms comic panel?! [2]
Sun Jian: Haha, well I'm married and have three kids so there is no way that I- OHMYGODWHATTHEFUCKHUANGGAIANDME?!
Huang Gai: Holy hot damn, my lord! Haha, told ya our bromance is unbeatable!
Sun Jian: ….faints
Huang Gai: Hey, hey!
Sun Quan: Zhou….Tai? Oh…god…what has the world come to?! I'd rather commit suicide and preserve my dignity than to be put into this kind of shit!
Lu Meng: Ewww! Lu Xun?! What the fuck?! I'm not a pedophile! I want this piece of gutter trash to be BURNED!
Ace: Uhh…no, can't do that. And if you want to, you can check the ones you have with Lu Su.
Lu Meng: AAAAHHHH! STOP IIIIITTTTTTTT!
Gan Ning: Oh my! What is this? I don't know what this is, but whoever has the idea to put me and Ling Tong into this kind of position must've been BRILLIANT! I love it!
Sun Ce: Zhou Yu? Taishi Ci? What! This act is disgraceful for me, the Little Conqueror! I will beat whoever wrote this shit into hell! Come and fight me, you watery-mouth cowards!
Ace: Hey, hey, chill. This isn't a combat arena! And those who wrote this can't come to fight you, either.
Sun Ce: What! That's unfair! I'll give these slanderer their just judgment! Gaaaahhh!
Zhou Tai: staring at a Sun Quan-Zhou Tai fanfic ….. commits seppuku
Ace: Gaaahhh! Hey, don't kill yourself! Huff…that's the first body count of the day…
Ling Tong: Ewww…what the hell makes these rabid fangirls think that pairing me with Gan Ning is a good idea?! It's NOT! I hate him! I fucking hate him to lower than hell! I'll kill EVERYONE who even DARES to suggest it!
Lu Su: M-master Zhou Yu?! And Lu Meng?! What….?! stares with blank expression
Zhu Ran: Oh my, me and Lu Xun! This is exciting! Our relationship is a HOT one indeed! Still, I kinda wish there's a threesome between Me x Lu Xun x Fire though, huff…
Wei side
Xiahou Dun: I-is that me and cousin?! This is unacceptable! This is disgusting! This fic is slowly killing my other eye too! And…..GUAN YU?! SERIOUSLY?!
Cao Cao: ….jawdrop
Zhang Liao: L-lord Lu Bu? What are you doing?! Ahhh! covers face
Xu Huang: This…this thing with Zhang Liao is truly dishonorable and detestable! It's scarring my image! I can't live with this! No! Waaaahhhh! runs away
Zhang He: Oh, my…this 'yaoi' is sure a fine specimen! I love it!
Cao Pi: Sima Yi…? And, what is this….LU XUN?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! freezes laptop
Ace: Heeeeeeyyyyyyy! That's my property!
Pang De: stares at a PangDexMaChao fanart ….
Jia Xu: Y-young master? And me?! What the hell! I'm old enough to be his father! Fuck this shit! throws laptop away
Ace: Heeeeeeyyyy! Huff….you know what, I don't care.
Guo Jia: Is that me and Jia Xu? And, Xun Yu too?! Man, this is fun!
Yue Jin: Li Dian…
Li Dian: Y-yue Jin?! Hot damn! It just seems that we're really built for each other, ain't that right, eh?
Xun Yu: Seriously! I've been only out for a year, and now there's MILLIONS of NSFW fanarts between me and Guo Jia! What has the world come to since our actual selves died?!
Ace: Now that's internet for you. Oh, and a really 'creative' mind. Simple as that.
Jin side
Sima Yi: How the hell I came to be paired with Zhuge Liang?! He's my sworn enemy! Hell, even being with Lord Cao Pi is a lot more plausible than this! The internet is really full of imbeciles!
Sima Shi: Wen…Yang?! Oh, come on! He tried to KILL me for baozi's sake!
Sima Zhao: J-jia Chong? Oh, my…who knows if the myth about vampires as taught by Twilight is true…- oh fuck, what the hell am I thinking?!
Deng Ai: Zhong Hui….
Zhong Hui: What! This is absolutely tainting my beautiful image to pair me with that rocky mass of muscles that is Deng Ai! I don't want any muscles to touch me!
Xiahou Ba: I-is that me and Jiang Wei?! And Cao Pi too?! He's my cousin! That's gross! closes laptop and cries
Guo Huai: cough Xi- cough A- cough Hou- cough cough Ba?! Is that him and me? Oh….dies
Ace: Heeeeyyy! Fuck, that's the second body count….
Jia Chong: Lord Sima Zhao…I see…this is quite interesting, I must say.
Wen Yang: Me and Sima Shi?! I tried to KILL him once! And…Zhao Yun? What! The! HELL?!
Other side
Lu Bu: Zhang….Liao? Seriously?! This is a blasphemy for me, the mighty Lu Bu! destroys laptop
Ace: Sigh…okay, that's the third laptop down….
The females' side
Sun Shangxiang: So, why did we get placed in a separate room from our husbands?
Everyone: raises shoulders
Bao Sanniang: If I'm not mistaken, that guy did it to prevent casualties.
Zhenji: Now that's weird. What kind of casualties?
Diaochan: I heard that this so-called 'yaoi' could cause the males to have a breakdown, and the females rage.
Yueying: Ahem. Actually, let me explain. Yaoi is a form of shipping where instead of pairing a male and female together, instead it pairs male and male together.
Daqiao: Ew! That's gross!
Xiaoqiao: So those rumors about the males being gay is true!
Xingcai: Well, don't worry. The males here are all straight. It's just that sometimes they have a couple of….'interesting' moments with one another, which the fandom perceived as 'gay'. And seeing how most of the males we have are really, REALLY attractive, they just think that they fell in love with each other and went with it.
Wang Yuanji: I suppose that's why we're left out here, since there are only 16 of us and 67 of them!
Lianshi: And even then the devs didn't give us any 'interesting' moments between the females, which is why yuri fandom in the series is almost nonexistent.
Zhurong: Now that's sexist, don't you think?
Guan Yinping: Sigh…well, this is Ancient China. We didn't even actually fight during the time, well, except for you, Sun Shangxiang and Wang Yi. So I guess it's not surprising.
Lu Lingqi: Besides, it's just what Koei is. They'll just go out their way to whore out their male fanservice for all it's worth. At least it's not as bad as Capcom, given that they actually gave no fucks whatsoever regarding their female characters in Sengoku Basara…
Zhang Chunhua: Hey, at least they've already merged with Tecmo, who whore out their girls instead. Maybe this is the time we'll get gender equality!
Wang Yi: I personally think that whoring out both their males AND females is actually even worse, but I guess we'll just hope for the best.
Cai Wenji: We females must stand strong in this land full of pretty boys, I guess.
Everyone: Sigh…
Back to the males' side…
Everyone: Hey, you there! Why did you do this to us?! We won't forgive you for this!
Great. You just tortured the ENTIRE CAST and broke their poor souls.
Ace: Hahahahaha! Well, even though I lost three laptops and caused two body counts, but all this day's hilarity makes them worth it! Hahahahahahaha! Oh well, I guess that wraps it up. I'll go home for now!
Hey, how about the characters?
Ace: Hm? Well, you can do whatever you want to them. You're a girl, after all.
I'm not a pervert.
Ace: Meh, I don't care. Just make sure they don't rage in! Bye-bye!
H-hey! Come back! Huff…why do I have to do everything alone?
Zhao Yun: And now we shall rebel against those two bastards who torture us! We can't stand this! Even though we're just a bunch of pixels, we still have rights! All people, advance!
Everyone: YOOOOO! rages in
….yup. Pretty much.
Ahhh…yaoi really IS a wonderful thing, isn't it? Well then, as usual, please leave a review! Good day!
[1] I'm not joking when I say that there is a Pang Tong x Jia Xu fanart. You can find it if you search hard enough. Well, that's internet for you.
[2] It was panel 69, by the way.