Control. He needed to regain control. All those lessons he learned as a child about control were failing him. He shook his head as he recalled all those times he had been able to retain and maintain control in other testing situations eluded him. He had left the bridge without passing command to another senior officer as he felt his control rapidly failing him. He paced the confines of his quarters trying to gather himself but he kept hearing that voice. All he could hear was that voice and relive the total helplessness that had almost felled him as he had stood at the Communications Station.

He faintly recalled being aware of the Admiral's orders and the Ambassador's question about the delay in leaving but their voices were like background noise as he heard only the panic, pain, and plea that filled that beloved voice the others had not heard. He was totally stunned by all he heard in that word, in how that voice had called out his had called out his name and the sudden odd emptiness and silence in the part of his mind where he usually found warmth and comfort. A part of his mind tried to tell him that he had known the day would come when this would happen but he shook it off. It was not to happen so soon. It was not to happen like this. He was not ready for this. Not like this. Not like this. Not like this.

He gradually became aware that the last "Not like this." was not in his head and had a slight accent.

Slowly he turned and saw Doctor Leonard McCoy standing with his arms crossed looking at him, "Like I said, I've seen you most ways but not like this. Talk to me, Spock. What is it?"

How could he explain to this man what he was going through? This man who was always there. This man who had been on the bridge and had clearly understood something was seriously wrong and had all but dragged him into the turbolift saying something about him missing a medical checkup. This man whose arm he had so tightly gripped when he had first reached out and placed a hand on his wrist. The feelings of understanding and compassion that had flowed from that hand had reassured him, had let him know that his friend would help him.

"I, I," the words would not come as he suddenly remembered how this man may not have heard that voice but he did have a close connection to the one who had called out. He closed his eyes as he saw understanding in the blue eyes that looked at him, saw that his friend knew him needed the time, the privacy, to regain his control.

Two arms encircled him and a hand rubbed his back. An almost physical wave of love, concern, and understanding flowed from the hand through him and he let himself collapse into the embrace.

"It's okay to let it go in here with me, Spock. It's okay to let go in here." It was as though the words broke something in him and he felt his body shaking as tears, "It hurts, Spock. I know it hurts." Slowly he let the tears flow and felt McCoy hug him tighter, "That's it. Let it out. Sulu took the chair and knows where we will be. You just take your time. The crew understands. Well, we understand the Human aspects. We have the Human understanding of what it means to you. You just hold onto me as long as you need."

His internal timekeeping was also not up to its usual standard and he had no real idea as to how long he had allowed his Human side to express such an intense emotion but as he eased back into control he realized that McCoy was looking at him with such understanding and compassion he realized just how much of a friend this man was. He also realized that this man was hurting as much as he was and yet had thought to comfort him, had sought him out to assist him regain control.

"Doctor, I must apologize for,"

"For nothing, Spock. I could tell from how you looked like you wanted to charge off the bridge, that your Human side was overpowering your Vulcan side and you would need help as there is that part of you that is total dedication of procedure and regulations that was holding you prisoner. Them talking on returning with another Captain tore at all of us."

As he looked at the man Spock realized that the doctor was watching him he saw how the man was looking at him both as a friend and as a doctor and found a great similarity in that moment. Just as he himself was split between Vulcan and Human McCoy was, to almost the same extent, split between being a doctor and friend at such times. He had a sudden flash of insight as to how, by Human standards, it must be for the man when those members of the crew such as himself and Jim Kirk were seriously injured. He remembered so many times when he had first regained full consciousness in Sickbay and found McCoy with a look that changed from concerned to relieved and thankful to being the doctor.

"I am pleased my gripping onto your arm on the bridge did not damage you, I had a great need to get to my quarters. I will have to explain to,

"The others understand, Spock. Now the Ambassador might not have but the others did and the way Sulu took the Conn made him believe it was routine, especially when he apologized to the Ambassador and Admiral for the delay but stating that it was necessary for you to read the Captain's final orders. He is maintaining the orbit and awaiting your orders. Uhura told Command that there had been a break in communications and she would look into it and have you report back to them." The man looked at him a bit longer and that concern was still there in the eyes, "You do not believe Jim is dead, do you?"

Spock let out a slow breath and briefly closed his eyes as he once again had proof that those on the bridge also considered him a friend then looked at McCoy, "I must thank them for their understanding. As to your question, no, there is a part of me that will not accept Jim Kirk is dead. May I ask you the same question?"

McCoy rocked on his heels with his arms crossed over his chest, "Almost everything that is a part of me is saying that Jim is alive but there is the knowledge of what we saw down there, the savagery and fury, the way they made hunting another being a sport, and hearing his last words that makes me think they found and killed him. They killed four of our Security Team before they sent us back up and kept Jim. They did that then, then after that brief contact with Jim, them saying they were agreeable to allowing us to establish a base on their godforsaken rock saying Jim was giving them a greater challenge than they had expected and that his hunt was still not finished. My head is saying he is gone but my heart is saying he isn't. I know it is not logical, Spock, but that's how I feel." For a moment McCoy looked at the floor then back at him, "You must know, Spock, whatever you decide to do the crew will follow you, when you're ready."

He wanted to tell McCoy of that unusual emptiness and silence but remained silent. So often he had seen McCoy try to understand the Vulcan mind and ways but had often admitted that he found some things difficult to comprehend but accepted them as being Vulcan. They had been ordered to return with the Ambassador should there be no agreement with the governing body to allow them to establish diplomatic relations and to await the appointment of a new Captain. A new Captain. Uhura had told Command that he would give them a report. Sulu should have broken orbit and started the journey back to Star Fleet Command but had remained in the orbit he had established. It was as McCoy said, the crew was acting as they did when he was in command.

In command. He was now in control and unlocked the turbolift. Once again McCoy had seen the wisdom of not risking him having an emotional breakdown in the corridors. His friend did understand him better than he had thought, just as Jim had so often said.

"I should go back to the bridge," Spock started but McCoy looked him, "Doctor?"

"I think you should go to your quarters and wipe your face with a damp cloth, there's a clear sign of a lack of your usual emotional control. I'll meet you on the bridge later."

As McCoy started to turn to walk away Spock almost timidly said, "If you would not mind, Doctor, I would like to accompany you back to the bridge." as he oddly felt the need of his friend's presence and support.

There had been something in the Vulcan's voice that made McCoy stop and look at his friend. He was still badly shaken and while so many of his old retorts came to him they were not said. His friend needed him as much as he needed that quiet support that Vulcan could and would give him as soon as he totally regained that blasted control. "Sure, Spock. I'll just sit here while you freshen up."

When he had looked in the mirror Spock saw what McCoy meant. Clear evidence of his lack of control. He quickly took the action the doctor had suggested as well as changing into a fresh uniform. Then went with McCoy. He had a ship and crew to take care of first and then he would think of his future. So many times Jim had told him that McCoy and the others were also there for him, especially McCoy, as they were a lot alike. For so long he had not wanted to acknowledge that but this incident had made him face and accept that reality. They needed one another to get through the next few days, weeks, however long it took.

As he stepped onto the bridge he saw the others look at him and nod, Sulu stood and advised him of the condition of the orbit and the details of the projected return journey. He looked at the chair and for a moment was not going to sit in it till he saw McCoy's nod. The others were looking at him to lead them, to show them routine despite the loss. He looked at McCoy again and heard ,"Whatever you decide to do the crew will follow you." He looked back at the planet for a moment only just managing to control his emotions then slowly sat in the chair, "We will remain in orbit for one more standard orbit and then return the Ambassador and Admiral to Star Fleet Command and await new orders."

A part of his mind registered that those around him were watching him and even though he knew it was illogical, having seen what he had seen on the planet, a part of his mind, he knew it was his Human side, could not accept that Jim Kirk was dead. He knew the man, knew his abilities, knew his strengths, as well as his weaknesses, and he knew his friend's intense dislike of losing. So many times when winning seemed highly unlikely it had been his friend's dislike of losing as well as his unique cunning that had saved not only his own life but also that of the crew and the ship. Somewhere on that planet was his friend. He could not accept the possibility that he was dead despite all logic and the sensations in his mind. That, rather than anything emotional, was, he told himself, why he would not accept that Jim Kirk could be dead. It was an unusual emptiness and silence and not a total emptiness, more like there was a fog of some sort making it seem empty and smothering sound.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and glanced up into blue eyes and saw McCoy nod. "The crew will follow you. Almost everything that is a part of me is saying that Jim is alive." They had both seen the proof that the four Security officers had been killed when they tried to survive the hunt. They had been given the blood-soaked shirts as proof. Jim being taken away to be hunted. The Ambassador had started to protest till the chairman of planet's ruling party said it was their way of testing the ability and character of those they were to deal with. They had heard how the hunt was, to them, both a test and a sport. They had been shown graphic film of the hunting and killing of the Klingons and Romulans who had tried to establish a base of the planet. The leaders of the planet knew that Jim was their leader and therefore he would be the one to be chased. He could still hear how the leaders had laughed when they said that they had always found what they hunted, that no off-worlder had been able to allude their hunters. He remembered the look in those hazel eyes when Jim had looked at him before he was taken away, recalled how calmly he had said, "Take care of the ship and the crew." Jim had been taken away and they had been sent back to the ship with the Ambassador and Admiral to await the outcome. There had been that near explosion in his mind when Jim had called out to him in such fear and pain then nothing then nothing till the leaders had contacted them contacting them to say Jim had given them a greater challenge than they had expected.

The look about the blue eyes let him know that McCoy truly understood what he was feeling, what he could not express. There was a light squeeze as McCoy nodded, "I'm staying right here, Spock. The more I think about it all the worse it is as I keep thinking of so many of those Human 'What ifs?' that you would find illogical."

Jim had asked him to take care of the crew. Jim would have meant McCoy in particular for there was a bond between them as well, a very real and very Human bond that while he did not fully understand it he knew he had always respected it and saw the pain around the blue eyes that he, if he dared admit it to himself, was feeling. He had also heard McCoy say that he had many questions about what had happened just as he was starting to as he kept thinking of all that had transpired since their arrival. Slowly he stood and looked at McCoy as he saw the man still had not fully accepted what had taken place. There was also uncertainty about the eyes as though something were worrying the man. "Can you be more specific about your 'What ifs' Doctor."

A/N Way too many things happening at once but should be able to get more time for writing soon.