I don't own startrek.

Written to Jaymes Young's song I'll be good.

Jim awoke suddenly the image of Kodos grinning at him fresh in his mind, taking a few deep breaths he calmed down enough to realise it was just a dream. Slowly peeling a set of strong arms off of him he slid out of bed and headed over to the bathroom as quietly as possible. Cold sweat covered his body and as turned the light on and faced the mirror he was shocked to see his reflection, his skin was stark white which enhanced the fact his eyes had turned grey. Gripping the sink he took a deep shuddering breath reminding himself that it was nearly 14 years ago that he had rid himself of that particular demon. After five minutes he glanced down at his hands and noticed bright white knuckles from his death grip on the wash basin. Opening the cupboard underneath the sink he pulled out the small tankard and took a swig from the flask allowing the slight burn from the alcohol inside to warm his throat and lungs. Turning the shower on and he stripped out of his grey shorts before stepping into the stream of hot water as he urged his body to relax back into reality.

After spending half an hour in the shower Jim felt better and a quick glance in the mirror as he brushed his teeth gave him the confidence that he would be able to hide most of the issue from his partner. Quickly changing into Starfleet black trousers and undershirt he exited the bathroom and made his way into the small kitchen area where he could hear movement, his senses were suddenly hit by the smell of fresh strong coffee and warm bagels. Smiling he walked into the kitchen and sat at the breakfast bar styled table. "There you are Jim, I thought I was going to have to drag your sorry arse outta that shower." The blonde's grin grew wider as he accepted the cup from the southerner.

"Morning to you too Bones." The dark haired man smiled lightly as he took a seat opposite the blonde while placing the plate of warmed bagels on the table between them. Sipping his own coffee the brunette observed the blonde with a critical eye, he could see the tension in his lover's shoulders and the way his smile didn't fully light up his eyes. The cerulean he regularly got lost in was off colour almost edging towards grey, quirking an eyebrow he silently asked the Blonde if he wanted to talk to which he received a small head shake in return. Jim took a large bite out of his breakfast and hummed at the warm sweet bread in his mouth, chuckling to himself he followed the younger man's lead and helped himself to his own breakfast while cradling his coffee in his left hand.

"I hope you have no plans to end up in medical today Jim…." Every morning he asked the blonde the same question, a light way to see if he had any away missions planned.

"Not today Bones, were still travelling to the Lorentian system. Scotty has requested my opinion on a few things so I will be in engineering most of my shift, unless an issue arises." The southerner snorted into his coffee causing a chuckle to escape Jim's lips.

"No annoying the nurse's in the clinic or I will find a reason to be extra harsh on your next physical." He threatened while standing and clearing his dishes before pouring a fresh coffee into his work mug.

"I can't promise Bonsey." Jim chuckled before he was roughly pulled in for a kiss by the doctor, Jim's insides exploded at the kiss and when the brunette pulled away he was breathing heavily.

"I'll be good." The blonde smirked as he stood and put on his golden top. Bones rolled his eyes at the blonde before heading towards the door.

"See you this evening Jim." His blue shirt flashed across Jim's vision and he was quickly transported back into the warp core when he was blasted back off of it after realignment, shuddering he took a deep breath.

"Bones." He choked out and the doctors hand froze in front of the console to open the door, head snapping round his brown eyes boring into blue.

"Jim is everything…." The blonde strode across the room and pulled the older man into a tight hug before releasing him and holding him at arm's length.

"Bones… I know we don't talk about it but I would go into the warp core a thousand times over to save you." He took another calming breath "I'm sorry I hurt you but I knew you would have tried to open the door before the decontamination had completed." Spock's face burned in his vision before morphing into Kudo's "I couldn't let you…." He took another breath and cringed at the doctors expression "Couldn't watch you watch me die."

"Jim don't…"

"I love you Bones." He was quickly enveloped into the brunette's strong arms, the doctor was left speechless at the sudden declaration about his death barely a year ago.

"I love you too Jim... Just don't ever leave me behind again." He placed a small kiss to the blonde curls before turning and walking out of the door. Jim watched him leave with a heavy heart, thoughts swirling he also left his quarters and headed towards the bridge.

He walked onto the bridge Chekov's voice ringing through his ears. "Good Morning." He called out before walking over to the Russian and slapping him on his shoulder "How much longer until we arrive Mr Checkov?"

"2 day's Kepten." He smiled back at the blonde who nodded before striding to his chair and pulling up the PPAD to sign off some of the reports made from a recent away team mission. That particular mission had been located at a science base which was testing on various species, they had quickly closed it down. Signing reports was a mind numbing task that he hated but soldiered through, it was his responsibility as a Captain and to his crew. The specimen is showing signs of delirium and fatigue from the tests, prologue stretches of cold temperatures Jim suddenly felt frozen like he had been submerged into an ice bath, something he did not wish to repeat is proving to stimulate unusual brain wave action... request for further tests denied Staring at the PPAD his hands started to tremble as he saw the cold chamber where he was kept. The bridge of the Enterprise faded and he was faced with a cold dark cellar, looking down he saw the body on the floor... his hands covered in blood...the smell of iron... the laughter from outside the cell...pain shooting through his body from various beatings...

"Captain are you okay?" He blinked rapidly clearing the image of his bloodied hands before facing Spock with his usual smirk.

"I'm fine thanks Mr Spock. Mr Scot wishes to see me in engineering to discuss some upgrades, you have the con." He stood and nodded to the crew before heading to the turbo lift, the doors couldn't close quick enough as he caught the calculating look of his first officer. Taking deep breaths Jim steadied his panic attack before freezing the lift in place, looking down at his hands he saw them shaking but no longer covered in blood. The smell still lingered with him, taking deep breaths through his mouth he hit the button to start the lift again a bitter taste on his tongue. "Come on Kirk it is in the past! Pull it together." He berated himself as the doors slid open throwing him into the hustle of engineering.

"Ahh Captain I wonder when ya would be joinin me laddie. Let's show him these upgrades." Scotty pulled the blonde deep into the engineering decks allowing the young Captain to forget about his past for a short period of time.

"Scotty I have to admit these are some fine upgrades you have arranged. How long will it take to implement them in our girl?" Scotty swelled with pride before pulling up a screen on his own screen.

"I rekken if we make a wee change to this I can have them running in a month... 3 weeks max." He grinned before pulling Jim towards the next bay, the blonde chuckled at his eagerness. "Now these could be an issue..." He pointed towards the control panel in front of them "I canne develop a matrix to take the extra power provided by the dilithium...ach no what I mean laddie is I need Checkov down here to assist." Jim was laughing by this point as the engineer bounced on his feet.

"Alright Mr Scott I will send Checkov down to assist as soon as we are out of warp." He spun on his heel as he heard commotion behind him his eyes just catching an officer collapsing, without thinking he ran to the males position to try and seal the pipe that had just ruptured. "Scotty get him outta here." He yelled grabbing a pipe clamp trying to avoid the steam which was spraying out of the fracture. "Get him to medical, he has a bad gash to his head and some severe burns." A few officers ran over and assisted in fixing the pipe as Scotty and another officer took Mitchell to medical. It took a while to secure the clamp over the force from the high pressured jet, the group stood back and as one released a sigh once the job was complete. Wiping his brow Jim thanked them before deciding to let Scotty know about the temporary patch up. Heading towards the small clinic on the far side of the deck, he passed the cores and came to a stop "were not making the climb..." "Get me... Get me Spock..." 'Bones can't see me like this' "I'm scared Spock help me not be" 'I love you' shaking his head he carried on towards the clinic only to be met by a ranting Bones.

"What do you mean he was fixing it by himself... dam it man are you outta your sandwich fed mind..."

"Bones?" The doctor spun around to face him and if he wasn't being glared at he would of laughed at Scotty's scared expression.

"Jim get in here now! Dam it Jim!" Bones half dragged the Captain in who shot a confused look at his CE.

"McCoy may be a wee bit miffed I left ya to fix it by yourself" Scotty mumbled as Bones forced the blonde onto a free bed and pulled out a tricorder.

"Dam straight I am!" He growled while watching the readings and glaring at the scot at the same time, it was an impressive task Jim thought to himself.

"Bones it's fine, one of the main ducts ruptured. I had help and I told Scotty to leave it was only bit of steam nothing more..." He quickly snapped his mouth shut when the brown eyes bored holes into his the glare burning his skin.

"Horse shit." He mumbled before jabbing the blonde with a hypo he had just prepared.

"Dam it Bones that hurt!" He rubbed his neck trying to relive the stabbing sensation, his eyes flickered to Scotty who was trying not to show his mirth at the show. "Scotty you are relieved to return to your post...Will you get that out of my face! We have carried out a temporary repair.. Bones what did my neck ever do to you... Ensign Hall can fill you in." Scotty quickly nodded at the pair and high tailed it from the fuming Doctor. "Bones calm down, I have a small burn on my left hand." He winced when the Doctor ran his fingers over it to assess the damage. The brunette sighed through his nose and picked up a dermo-regenerator while glaring at the blonde.

"I thought I told you not to annoy my nurses today." He growled but sent the blonde a concerned look "I hate it when your down here you know?"

"Yeah I know Bones, but I need to..."

"I know Jim." He sighed while he gently held his left palm running the regenerator over the back of it. "Dam Captain of a Starship." This caused a small smile to tug on the blonde's lips.

Half an hour later Bones released Jim from the clinic to return to the bridge "I will see you this evening Jim and no sooner you here me." He growled as the blonde smiled and entered the turbo lift opposite the clinic.

Jim didn't see Bones again until their shifts finished that evening, he place a bottle of bourbon on the small coffee table with two glasses. Uncorking the bottle he poured a large glass for both of them before downing his own and poured another. The door slid open twenty minutes later as the blonde was exiting the bedroom after changing into casual clothes. "That bad." Bones said as he saw the table set up before walking over to Jim and pulling him in for a small soft kiss. "Deffinetly." He growled as he tasted the liquor on his lips before taking the blonde's hand and walking the pair to the sofa. Theysat down and Jim passed him his glass, the brunette downed half of it in one mouthful. "What's the matter Jim." He said while refilling his glass and leaning back on the sofa, past conversations had taught the southerner to not push for information from the blue eyed wonder. Jim was currently looking at his hands his vision from earlier had shocked him to his core and the tang of metal hadn't left his mouth since his turbo lift down to Engineering. He sighed and looked at the man he loved more than life itself, a man he would kill the galaxy for, a man he had and would die for again and again.

"Bones." He breathed before taking a sip from his drink. "I need to tell you something, about my past, about me." The brunette was watching the blonde full of concern as he watched pain, fear, confusion, panic and determination flash through the blue eyes. "I... I couldn't let the Kobayashi Maru beat me for a reason..." He sighed again and rung his hands together, he blinked rapidly to clear his vision, Kodos was grinning down at him. "I had already faced my own Kobayashi Maru and came out on top." The blonde lifted his eyes to meet the hazel ones he loved so much, he could see the concern and confusion swirling around in them. "I was..." He closed his eyes, sighed and opened them again "I was on Tarsus IV... I was JT the leader of the Tarsus nine." Bones sat still for a full minute as he processed this information causing Jim to down a third glass of bourbon as he started to panic causing his memories to swarm in front of his face, then suddenly Bones' face was in his vision filling it with the person he loved, his hands placed either side of his head. The hazel eyes radiated with sorrow and were watery, whose wouldn't be he had just found out what his lover had been through, his lips were moving but Jim couldn't hear his words as his hearing had phased out into white noise. He did feel the warm soft lips press against his conveying all his love into Jim which sucked him back into the room.

"Christ Jim I don't even know where to..." Bones mumbled as he pulled his mouth back from their kiss "I love you James Tiberius Kirk, you unbelievably strong man." Leonards mind reeled with the information he knew about the Tarsus nine and how it applied to Jim and he visibly recoiled at one of the facts that sprung forward All of the survivors showed signs of torture. All nine patients have a incredibly high phobia of needles, especially the oldest of the group who shows signs of possible drug induced torture. "Oh my god Jim I am so sorry." His hand quickly shot up to the place he had injected him earlier in the day, disgust flowed through him as he remembered all the times Jim had pleaded not to give him pain meds etc because it meant an injection was required.

"Bones it's fine you didn't know, I don't want you to change because of my past. I love you as my hypo crazy Doctor who is worried about me. You're the only person I trust with my medical treatment, one of the few I trust at all." He said as he consoled his doctor, a weight had been lifted from his shoulders he felt lighter than he had since the age of 14. The pair discussed Jim's horrendous experience as they polished off three quarters of the bottle of bourbon before Jim finally lead his Bones to the bedroom where the pair showed each other how much they loved and appreciated one another.

"I promise Bones I'll be good for all the times I never could." Jim whispered to the brunette after he fell asleep before unconsciousness dragged him under as well, but not before he gave the tanned skinned shoulder a kiss.

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