When Will the Rain Stop?

Chapter 1

*Thank you for clicking on this fanfic! I'm really insecure about this so let me know what you think! If you don't, then that's okay too, I'm just grateful that you're willing to read my story. X3

Disclaimer: I own nothing! I don't own Bleach at all. All rights and credits go to their respective places… unfortunately I don't own Ichigo or Grimmjow, mighty fine hunks of men right there… too bad

Warning: It's sad. I rated it M for course language, a depressive theme, gore in later chapters, and sexually suggestive stuff in later chapters. Plus I don't have a beta-reader for this, so it might not be the best, but just know I tried my best T ^ T (even if my best may be shit…)

Anyways, I hope you enjoy it*

Why did they always have to give me such a hard time?

It wasn't just one or two of them. They all did.

Pretty much everyone I knew – everyone that I know – gave me shit. They all insulted and demeaned me whenever I messed up or didn't understand something. It was like this all the time, and I've had enough.

I'm so tired. I'm just so damned tired of it all. I get that I'm a failure. They didn't need to tell me, I already knew…

Why couldn't they just leave me alone if I was such a bothersome troublesome moron that couldn't understand simple shit? It has always been like this… ever since the very beginning.

When Rukia had 'trained' me on how to use the Shinigami powers that were bestowed upon me. When she was taken from the living world to be executed. When I trained to get my own Shinigami powers. When I trained to achieve bankai solely to save her. When I was losing my fucking sanity to my hollow. When I left to save Orihime from Aizen. When I fought the Arrancar and the Espada. When I fought Aizen. When I lost my powers. Even when I went to fucking school.

Throughout everything, I'd been affronted, belittled, and wronged by my friends. They never tried to understand where I was coming from, and even if they did, they had fucking failed miserably. They even had the fucking gall to say that they understood.

They don't think I fucking know it.

I can practically hear their thoughts as I read their body language, listen to their tone of voice, and observe their personality and quirks to a point where I know more about them than they do themselves. I know fucking psychology. It was something that stuck out to me while my instructors had forced me to research future career paths, so I had studied up on it. I saw what I was blinded to before, and I kind of wish I didn't.

I saw that Ishida would never forgive me if I ever lost a fight. I saw that Ioune loves me, but she relied on me so much that it was stifling me with the amount of pressure she had put on me. I saw that Chad, despite that this is out of the goodness of his heart, wanted to get stronger so he could fight besides me or even so he could best me.

Though they haven't seen it. Ishida and Ioune hadn't seen that they were crushing me, suffocating me. Chad hadn't seen how it had hurt that I had to bring him along to fight my fights even though he chose to follow me. It harmed me that he thought that he couldn't fight beside me, and it hurts me to see him get injured for my sake. It made me feel alien when he though that he couldn't fight beside me, and it ached. It made me feel like a freak. But, maybe that's just what I am. Just a damn freak. A human that used to have Shinigami powers, that demolished the line between Shinigami and hollow, and fought like a god, just to lose it all.

Speaking of Shinigami powers, don't even get me started on Rukia and my friends at the Soul Society. Could I even call them friends anymore? Can I even consider that Rukia is my friend? Ha, no. She's not my friend anymore. But it's for the better…

Rukia… the one who I'd held the most gratitude for, the one who was supposed to understand me the most, the one who was very important to me, the one who'd once held my affections.

Not anymore.

Not after everything that had happened after all of this time.

She was so significant to me. She had changed my fucking world. She gave me the power to protect, something that I'd so longed for, with every fiber of my forsaken being.

However, the way I saw her slowly changed as time dragged on and when I slowly removed the blindfold that was shielding my jaded eyes.

When she gave me her powers, I was so damn grateful. She was like my beacon of hope. She was my saving grace from the miserable place that I was stuck in when I was powerless. Even when she was teaching me, she was a bit harsh, but I thought that was just how she was and that she meant well, so I put on a brave face, ignored the sensitive part of me and continued on to help. When she was taken away from me, I was miserable.

I was useless; I was so fucking useless I almost wished I'd died right where I was sprawled out in a blood mess on the road in the rain. She'd even said I was stupid and that she wouldn't forgive me if I went after her. Why would she say that? Did she not know that I understood the consequences and risks if I went after her? Of course I fucking knew. It went without saying. I'm not as stupid as I look… right?

Well I must be pretty moronic, huh? Besides, when Urahara came and retrieved my broken body from the ground, he gave me a verbal smack down, and then he trained me so then I actually had some chance of survival. Sure, I was a handful, but I was just playing the part of myself. I'm a stubborn greenhorn that's feisty and never gives up with raging determination and a will so strong it shook people to their core. But all of that doesn't mean that I don't get hurt… it just means that I use what I know to my advantage and to hide my weak frail self from everyone. Everyone, but Zangetsu.

After I had learned Zangetsu's name and went into my inner-world from time to time, he'd eventually muttered to me that he didn't like the rain… but I couldn't stop the rain from falling. Sure, when I'd been preoccupied with fighting, or when I'd successfully protected someone, or when I though I did something worthwhile, or when I achieved something or a goal, the rain would stop, but only temporarily before it fucking poured. I always tried to stop the rain, and I'm sure Zangetsu knew that, which was why he'd always helped me. Though, he still left, not that I could blame him. It rained all the time, and I was the one who used that god-like technique and warded him off despite the fact that I did it to protect my hometown, Earth, and Soul Society from Aizen.

Speaking of Soul Society, ever since I went there to save Rukia, they'd been so reliant on me, and they tried to keep a goddamn leash on me: a fucking fifteen-year-old highschooler who'd only wanted to protect the ones who were close to me. Was I really that bad of a guy for wanting the power to protect my loved ones? Though, I realized why they wanted to keep me close.

They just wanted to use me, like a fucking tool, and used me they did. I was an instrument, and they played me like the fucking flute I was. Even when I didn't realize it they used me, and when I did realize it, they continued to use me. Though, I just let them at that point; I'd given up. I was sapped of my energy, of my will to fight and argue that I was more than some object. Besides, why would I argue against something that I agreed with?

Besides, they weren't concerned for me as a person, or as a friend. I thought they were, but I had realized that they weren't.

I mean, why the fuck did Byakuya not ask any damn questions when he saw my hollow try to fight him in my stead during our final battle? Okay, he wouldn't during the fight, and maybe he didn't ask me out of some sort of respect, but still. Couldn't he see how fucking abnormal it was and how I was struggling with something that we both didn't know about? If he were really my friend, or even my ally, wouldn't he at least question it?

Well, maybe that's just me complaining. I mean… I need to take care of my own fucking issues and deal with it myself, right? Yeah, that's it. I'm just a coward, right? Too scared to face my problems like the pathetic wuss I am.

I mean, Rukia had basically said that when she came back to school with Toshiro, Ikkaku, that guy with the fancy eyebrow and eyelash, Rangiku, and Renji, after Shinji showed himself and tried to recruit me.

When I saw her I was elated. Before, when she was taken away and when I saw her almost die, I had realized that I couldn't lose her for more than just repaying a fucking debt. I'd realized that I'd grown to love her throughout the rather short time that I'd spent with her prior.

So I was practically bursting with happiness, yet I was writhing in sorrow. I was happy that she came back to me and that we could finally hang out and share each other's company. Yet, I was assaulted with agonizing emotions because of how helpless, hopeless, pitiful, and miserable I was feeling. That fucking hollow in me was causing my iron grip on my sanity to rust and corrode and… yeah, I was absolutely fucking petrified.

So when she came, I thought I could find some sort of comfort from her. I thought she could somehow help me emotionally, since she had before when I was powerless.

Though, she didn't do that. She just beat me up, threw me in a life-threatening situation quite literally – seriously, I was lucky that it was a low-ranked hollow and that I dodged that its attack on time - told me I was a coward indirectly, and to man the fuck up.

She hadd sounded as though she knew exactly what I was going through, and in my blind affection for her, I just took it with a pinch of salt and cheered up as to not worry her anymore.

Little did she, or anyone – including me for that matter – know that I was actually pretty torn up by the whole thing. I didn't feel awful in the moment, but later, when I was alone, I realized that Rukia's actions hit a sore spot, and my hollow used and abused that sore spot. I was so fucking emotionally distraught and tortured, but I always put up a brave tough front and plowed through the pain.

It was much easier to deal with everything when I fought. It was like my outlet. It was a way to take out my depressing emotions without consoling someone. It also made it easier to hide what I felt from everyone so then they wouldn't worry about me… would they actually worry? When I think about it… I fucking doubt it; unless it affected my fighting I doubt they would even bat an eyelash. I bet they would think it was stupid and that I needed to get stronger, so what did it fucking matter if I hid my little insignificant feelings from them. So, I just pretended that the pressure that they put on my slim shoulders wasn't crushing what little life I had out of me. I just pretended that their words and actions didn't hurt me as I became painfully aware of how I was treated and realized how others should treat me. Not like some asset, or someone that was better than them, or some soldier. Or even like some moron that needed to be taught the hard way with cruel words or with no words at all if they thought the explanation was too hard for someone like me to understand.

I was – ha, I am – just a fucking tool. It became very apparent when the Vaizard, Arrancar and Espada showed up. I had realized my inadequacy. I'd realized my inability to prevent my destructive hollow from withering away at my sanity. So I trained with the Vaizard to take control of my hollow through rigorous and dangerous means, nevertheless it was my choice and I succeeded so I was rather grateful to that bizarre group, but I selfishly didn't join them.

I didn't betray Soul Society once. I did their work as a substitute Shinigami and I fucking helped and saved that place when I was under no obligation to do so. Not just me, my little rag-tag group of friends also helped out, but even when I fought like I was supposed to, they basically abandoned Orihime and me. At first none of them helped me infiltrate Hueco Mundo to save her when she was kidnapped – though in there defense, I guess it looked like she'd betrayed them - so I just got the two guys who'd most likely had a crush on her, Ishida and Chad, to come save her.

Maybe that was too harsh. I mean, they did help me in my selfish endeavors, and I am sure they meant well, and Chad going to save her is more understandable, since they spent the most time together… but at this point, I'm just too tired to give a fuck.

We went to save her, but for some reason, I was consumed by my bloodlust and belligerence. I wanted to fight. I wanted to get stronger: just like how Rukia and everyone around me were telling me to for all this time. Though – if I remember correctly – I'd been scolded once or twice that, since the goal was to save Orihime, not to fight, and I understood that, but I was still kind of confused.

They always told me to get stronger… so couldn't I kill two birds with one stone? Kill all the bad guys, gain experience, and rescue the princess? So, what I was doing wasn't wrong. Though, when I thought that, I felt something break inside. I felt that something break, shrivel and die, and I soon found out that it was the feeling part of what I used to be call my heart. What was left was a wretched void that continued to suck the life out of me as I fought my way through Hueco Mundo to do the job that no one else would do: to save a friend; to protect; that was what I was made for… right?

I guess what was wrong was how I horrified Ioune when I was fighting Grimmjow, yet I couldn't get myself to feel bad about it or care – I still can't – because… something happened when I fought Grimmjow in Hueco Mundo. Something I hadn't expected. I hadn't even noticed it when we fought the first time. I guess it was because I was caught up with Rukia's well-being – but I was dissed by her for the last time; after that I genuinely didn't care anymore, I just acted like how everyone would expect me to. Anyway, when I had fought him the second time in the living world, I didn't suspect much. At that time, I had just noticed that something was… off. For some reason, I was happy that he looked for me, that I could show off my mask, that I'd scarred him, marked him, and that I could see his face. I was even a bit concerned as to what happened to his arm. Though, I expected nothing like what had happened in Hueco Mundo. Nothing at all.

When I was fighting him there, I realized how much I fucking loved his overpowering, silky, warm, enamoring reiatsu. I realized how blue his eyes were as they shown in passion and fiery. I realized that I reveled in the feeling of him trying to overpower me with everything he had and everything he was. I fucking squirmed when I saw his predatory eyes darken as if he were locking onto his prey, ready to tear into me. I realized how much I was so impressed by, and… attracted… to his strength… and I thought I was the only one who was affected by our rather unusual fights, but when that other Espada, Nnoitra, came in, Grimmjow mumbled something to me. Something only I had heard before he was blasted away and disappeared from my life. He'd said: "I'll find you, Strawberry, so we could have a rematch. We'll meet again."

When I heard those words, I fucking clung to them like a lifeline. Those words made me hopeful. They breathed some life into that dead part of my heart that I thought couldn't be restored. It gave me a little flicker of hope.

For what reason?

I'm not sure, not even to this day. I just knew – I know – that he'd find me once again, so I tried my best for him too. To be honest, another reason why I wanted to fight Nnoitra so badly – other than my thirst for blood and my mission to save Ioune - was because the bastard blew Grimmjow away. However, that plan was tossed when Kenpachi came and I was brushed off to the side to get healed, which was a good call, I'm not complaining. Besides, I had to have a rematch with Ulquiorra. Though, that was that a wretched god-awful fight.

He whipped my novice ass and when my hollow took over, terrified Orihime, gravely injured Ishida, and murdered Ulquiorra. Then, when I said I didn't want to end the fight like I did, he'd said something along the lines of me being selfish, ignorant, and arrogant before he died. I can' remember everything… I was too caught up in the whirlwind of reactions I was experiencing.

I remember feeling overwhelmingly guilty, gut-wrenchingly melancholy, and insanely distraught. All of which collided together in a wretched bloody mess in my chest. I was bombarded with these emotions when I realized what I had done, the monster I had become, and when I witnessed that one interaction between Ioune and Ulquiorra. It looked as though I had unconsciously killed a man that was just realizing that emptiness wasn't the only thing that he was able to feel. It looked as though I had killed a man that held at least some affection for one of his dear friends, and I had taken that man away from her, even though that same man was going to possibly kill her and everyone else. Still, I couldn't help but endure what I was feeling. I swallowed the lump in my throat, got scolded by Ishida and went back down into the palace to save Renji, Chad and Rukia.
All of who may have seemed slightly upset that I butted into their fight, but they were thankful that I was going to help them. Then, I was carted off to fight Aizen.

I was informed that I was their last hope. I was Soul Society's, the worlds, my hometowns, my friend's, my family's last hope of survival, and believe it or not, that was a little too much to handle – but I couldn't think about it. I refused to think about it. I refused to consider the weigh of the world on my shoulders. I refused to think about just how much pressure was constricting me and how much hope was riding on me. I was in denial the whole trip from Hueco Mundo to Earth, and when I had arrived I was forced to face the music.

Aizen was way too fucking strong. I had no idea how these people thought a fifteen-year-old boy was going to defeat a god, but I decided to ignore my feelings for the umpteenth time as I fought with every fiber of my being. Then, when everyone from Soul Society in the living world were down for the count, and when I saw Urahara, Yoruichi and my fucking father hopelessly fight Aizen, I faced the cold, hard truth that I couldn't fight Aizen and his transcendent powers. When I felt his reiatsu, I was surprised that my father could even fathom that they could beat him, and when I told him that, I was even more flabbergasted that he couldn't feel just how intense, just how petrifying, just how suffocating Aizen's reiatsu was.

Then my father helped me train in the dimension between Soul Society and the living world, treating me like I was the last flicker of hope for mankind – which I was – but for my own sake I ignored that detail as went to get Zangetsu to tell me that forsaken technique my father was ranting about.

Though, when I went into my inner world, I was met with a sight that made me dreadful.

I found myself in an ocean. Baffled, I called for Zangetsu until I eventually I met the 'new' younger version of Zangetsu. Only then did I finally notice that my inner world's city turned into my hometown.

My inner world was flooded with all of the rain that had poured in. I was wretched, and filthy, despite the ocean I was submerged in.

I fucking knew that Zangetsu hated the rain.

I fucking knew that meant that he hated it when I was miserable, distressed, or frightened. Yet, what the fuck did I do? I let it pour. Sure, I tried to brush it all off, I tried to be okay, I tried to not let the words spoken to me or the actions of others harm me, but I had failed.

So fucking what if I tried? I tried and I failed. Like the utter failure I was. I wanted to apologize profoundly to Zangetsu, but instead I focused on the task at hand. Besides, I was sure that Zangetsu, deep down; he knew that I'd tried and that I would be sorry. At least he knew that I wasn't awful or moronic… right?

So, when I figured out what I needed to do to learn the technique – I actually felt better about it, since I had to get stabbed. It was strangely reassuring that at least Zangetsu got to get out some little frustrations out on me while I was able to learn that technique. Though, I did feel somewhat guilty since it pained Zangetsu so much to tell me that technique, but I chose to ignore it for the good of everyone around me. I'd even remembered thinking for the good of Grimmjow too, but I was too swept up in chasing after Aizen that I hadn't thought about it too much.

When I was too late to save Gin – who was actually a good guy – I used my rather negative emotions towards my incompetence and lashed out at Aizen. I used the technique Zangetsu so reluctantly told me and I demolished him. I beaten him into the ground, but only god knows how he'd survived, and thank that same god that Urahara came and cleaned up my mess by sealing that crazy motherfucker away. So, with that problem solved, I only had one problem left.

I lost my powers.

Everyone was so shocked when they learned that I was once again powerless. I'm sure that it was because they knew how important it was for me to protect that they might have felt bad that I lost my powers, but to be truthful I didn't need them to feel bad for me.

I could have done that all on my own, and I did. I felt absolutely despondent. I was so fucking hopeless and helpless. I mean, even when I didn't have Shinigami powers, I could still at least see ghosts… but now, I see nothing remotely supernatural and it was insanely unnerving. Yet, I didn't show it. I refused to show it.

However, it wasn't like anyone really cared after a few days, after I had woken up from being unconscious after that fight.

Once they saw that I was physically well, they left. My friends at Soul Society, Rukia, they left with a 'thank you' on their lips and they never looked back. Even to this fucking day, I still haven't seen them once, despite the fact that I can't see spirits anymore; I didn't even see them in their gigai.

For the friends that I can see - Inoue, Ishida and Chad - well, they more or less disappeared from my life. Sure, I saw them around once in a while, but other than that, nothing.

They acted like I didn't exist. I'm not certain why they did this, but I believe it's because it was easier for them to go about doing Soul Society business. They thought that it would help me if they alienated me, so then I could cope with life without my powers, but they were wrong.

I still remembered when they started avoiding me. I had called out to them and they walked past me as if I were a spirit they couldn't see. They didn't even spare me a glance. My beaten-up heart fucking shattered in that moment, cutting up my lungs and chest as the sharp fragments littered my insides, wounding me deeply. I'd tried maybe once or twice more… however I still got no response. They acted as if I were invisible; they just looked right through me. They completely ignored me in every possible way. I can't even begin to find the words for how… transparent and empty I was – not that those feelings ever went away. It was as if they were oblivious to my very existence, and it was like this ever since my deific fight with Aizen.

Nevertheless, from time to time, I see Ishida sprint down the halls in the middle of class, and every time I do, a twinge of guilt and sorrow stab into the thing I called my heart, even if he ignored me. I knew he was fighting hollows, but I couldn't – I can't – help but think that it was supposed to be my responsibility and that I was awful for having to pass that responsibility onto someone else.

I couldn't help but feel bad that I was useless now, even though I knew that I was being used, I still reveled in the thought that I was helpful… I sound like a masochistic bitch… but maybe that's what I am.

I mean, think about it, why else would I endure everything despite the fact that I was the only one who could? If I really wanted to, I could have achieved my powers and stopped helping Soul Society to fulfill my own goals at some point. I could have just mastered my hollow, think that Soul Society sucked and that Aizen's side looked a lot better, but I didn't… why? Because I was so used to groveling on the ground like the dog I was, and I fought for what I was convinced was right.

However, what if Aizen's theories and ideals were right? As bat shit crazy that sounded. Though, what the fuck did I know? I was just a brainless dumbass tool remember?

Yet, when I think about Aizen and his little group of ultra-powerful supernatural beings, I found that I could kind of relate to them.

Aizen's soul cutter was compete hypnosis, doesn't that imply that no one under that hypnosis can see his 'true' face? Well, I'm the same. I hide behind what people think of me. I hide behind a kind, warm smile: hiding my 'true' face and masking what I really think and feel. I hide behind my image. I hid behind the image of a brave, kind, strong-willed, unmoving, stubborn, vigorous teenager who is unaffected by one's brutal words and actions.

I can even relate to Gin. I'm sure his personality isn't a façade, but he certainly wore a nearly impenetrable mask. He had been smiling – albeit a fucking creepy, serpent-like smile – for so damn long, standing side-by-side with his immortal enemy that he'd wanted to kill throughout all that time, only to think that he'd finally killed him, and realizing he actually failed and had to leave it up to a stranger. I felt horrible for this man when I had seen him try to kill Aizen and failed. I was too far away to be of any use but I will saw it, and I had pieced together that Gin had been lying to his friends and family for a long time, to ultimately try and stop their greatest enemy. When I had pieced all of that together, I was jarred with how we were alike.

Nevertheless, I never told anyone, amongst other things, what I thought. Not about Aizen. Not about Gin. Not about Soul Society, not about Rukia, and not about my friends in the living world or Soul Society – and most definitely not about Grimmjow.

Not a soul could know about what happened between us and how I feel about that hollow-Shinigami panther. Except for maybe Yuzu and Karin, everyone I know -Soul Society, Orihime, Ishida, Chad, my human friends - would probably disown me, and they would all think of it as a betrayal. Soul Society would definitely think I switched sides and they would come after the both of us, but I don't have to worry about that yet… or maybe ever… it has been half a year since and he still hasn't shown up… but being the fool that I have proven to be, I still held onto his words with a vice-like grip. I keep them close to my bloody 'heart' so I can face another fucking merciless day.

Speaking of starting another merciless day, I should probably stop reliving past hurts like I always do and get up from bed to get to school.

'Shit, another restless night,' I thought to myself as I pulled off the covers. A jaw-popping yawn escaped me as I stretched my arms over my head. I heard nearly all of my vertebra pop before I stood to go brush my teeth and get dressed. 'Damn, I'm so tired. I can feel the exhaustion all the way down to my bone marrow… I guess that's what happens when one reflects on their past huh? ... But… why does my chest feel like caving in? Like there's a weight in it, pulling me down? It's always hard to breath…'

"Ichigo!" Kon hollered at me, glaring up at me with his artificial eyes. I didn't even get a chance to answer before he started yelling at me like how he usually did.

"Hurry up and get your ass to school! Idiot! If you don't get up now you'll be late! If you don't get to school you'll get even dumber! Though, even if you go, you'll never become as smart as Nee-chan or me!" He ranted obnoxiously. He swooned when he mentioned Rukia. I cringe inwardly. I know he's just being stupid… but after all this time, hearing things like this repeatedly… I've been starting to doubt myself. 'Maybe I really am stupid… maybe I am what everyone says I am…'

I kept that thought to myself as I wore my usual scowl on my face. I ignored him and stepped on his fluffy head as I made my way to my closet.

A small unnoticeable sigh passed through my lips as I thought 'Ugh, another day, huh? I wonder if I'll meet him today? Grimmjow…'

I've thought that every day since he'd muttered those words to me, and that was the only thing I could get myself to look forward to.

"Ichigooooooo!" My bat shit crazy old man screamed as he soured through the air in an attempt to tackle me. I grunted while a nerve pinched on my forehead. Smoothly dodging it, I retrieved my uniform, and left to the bathroom, ignoring his whining as I went.

'Blasted old man… He does nothing but nonsense. Why can't he just…? I don't know, try to be an adult and give me advice on some things? It's not like I haven't tried to ask for it… but I guess it doesn't matter, huh? So what if he'd missed most of my childhood working and taking care of the clinic? Besides, ever since mom died… ever since I got her killed… he'd been supporting this family, so I shouldn't be greedy, huh? Yeah, I'm just an ungrateful bastard…'

"Ichi-nii?"

I was pulled out of my sad musings once I heard someone call me. I'd realized I was sitting at the table with breakfast in front of me. I looked up to see Karin and Yuzu looking at me suspiciously. I grunted a 'what' as I picked up my rice bowl and started eating.

'Shit, when did I shower, get dressed, and brush my teeth? I must have been too lost within my thoughts to realize what was happening… though… it feels like I am living through a screen, just watching myself do actions, like how one plays a first person video game. Maybe that's it? Maybe that's why I don't' remember clearly? Right?'

"I was saying," Karin began haughtily, interrupting my thoughts once again as she pointed her chopsticks at me.

I quietly ate as she spoke about the latest soccer gear that she'd seen in the store until my stomach complained to me that it was full, which I thought was rather weird, but now it had kind of been the new normal.

I'd only eaten half of a bowl of rice, two fried eggs, about half of a piece of toast and one cup of orange juice; and I was stuffed already. I felt guilty as I looked down at the food that was left uneaten. 'I'm the worst. I bet someone who was hungry would curse me to my fucking grave. I mean, look at me, I'm fucking full and I'm leaving food left over…'

"Nii-chan?" A small cute voice beckoned me.

"Hm? Yes, Yuzu?" I answered without looking up at her. I simply looked at my food, closed my eyes, shooed away my negative thoughts, and summoned a gentle smile to cast her way to show her that I was fine.

"Are you done eating?" She asked inquisitively, somewhat surprised that I've been eating so scarcely as of late, but to be honest, it has been like this for half a year so I knew that she wouldn't ask about it too much.

"Yeah," I reply as I glanced at a clock. My eyes went wide with staged shock. "Oh crap! I have to get going! See you guys later!" I shout as I ran of the house in a hurry with my school bag in tow, jogging until I was away from that house.

Once I saw I was at a safe distance from the house, I slowed down to a sluggish walk, trudging to school. I'm sure by now that they've realized that I've actually left pretty early, but I know they wouldn't say anything about it. They never had before, so why would they start now? Unless they never really noticed before – I wouldn't put it past them. They were always caught up in their own lives, so they barely noticed anything with me, which I guess isn't really much of a bad thing. Everyone has there own fucking issues to deal with, so I shouldn't sound like it's bad that they haven't noticed anything.

Besides, I'm the oldest and I'm a boy.

They wouldn't care since I'm supposed to be the most capable. I'm supposed to be as manly as fuck and take care of myself without any sort of help whatsoever, not even some sort of moral support. I'm supposed to take everything with a pinch of salt and move on.

Well, that's what I've done and look where the fuck that got me.

Not like I care too much anymore.

I'm so used to the hurt, that even with the constant ache in my chest, I can trudge on with a smile on my face. I can take the pain behind a warm gentle smile. I'm so used to the hurt that it'd actually feel strange without the ache, the pain, the searing burn, the poisonous jab, and the stabbing sensations in my chest. I was so used to it all.

I chuckled darkly to myself, hating myself more that usual, as I managed to enter the school grounds without noticing when I had gotten there. 'I really am the worst, huh? I have it better than most. I get food, I have a roof over my head, and I could study so I can build myself put for the future. Most don't get that, so why can't I just be happy with that and be done with it?'

: -:

"Yo!" A rather annoying voice yelled in my face. I scowled as I soon figured out whom the fuck had just crashed my train of thought into a flaming mess so damn early in the morning. I was trying to finish up tomorrow's homework early this morning so then I could study tonight for that shitty math test on Friday.

"What do you want, Keigo," I grumbled in a rather irritated tone, scowling even harder than usual to show my frustration with my concentration being so royally screwed.

"Whoa! I just wanted to ask if you wanted to hang out later! You don't have to be so touchy, Ichigo!" the brunet huffed moodily as he pouted at me. I felt a twinge of guilt poke a needle in my 'heart', but I smoothly ignored it as I kept up my façade.

'I'm okay.' I chant to myself as I sighed at my friend's idiocy.

"I can't. Unlike some people I have homework and studying to do," I huffed as I crossed my arms over my chest and scowled out the window, ignoring Keigo's whining and insults that he threw at me. I knew they were just jokes coming from him, but I couldn't help but feel somewhat hurt by them, nevertheless I ignored the pain as I let my mind wander. During my musings I saw that there was overcast over our little town that – I swear – threatened to pour half of the Earth's water supply onto it.

I sighed as I realized I didn't bring my umbrella in my rush to escape that house… then I sighed again due to how the gloomy weather had succeeded in making me feel gloomier than usual.

"Kurosaki-kun?"

I turned my head towards the feminine voice that had called me, and I subtly sank in my chair.

"'Sup, Ioune, how have you been?" I greeted casually, hiding my slight confusion at the situation and my dislike for her, as she smiled shyly and innocently at me. Maybe she had forgotten about all of that pressure she had put onto me, maybe she forgot how many times she'd yelled 'Kurosaki-kun' as I frantically tried to save her without destroying myself with my powers and my thoughts of me being an incompetent fool and that I couldn't save her because of it… maybe she forgot that she shunned me, alienated me, disregarded me. I sure as hell didn't.

"I was wondering if you could help me with something…" she asked softly as she diverted her gaze to the ground. I quirked an eyebrow at her, despite the fact that I knew she wouldn't see it.

'I hadn't spoken to her in half a year, let alone see her in a month or two, and now she wants a favor from me? The guy she's avoiding? Huh, I guess I really am just a fucking tool. A flute that she, like everyone else, can play with professional ease.'

"Sure, what's up?" I question with unmarred curiosity, shrugging as I stood from my seat, forgetting the mess of homework sprawled out on my desk. 'I have to keep the image of a man that helps his friends,' I told myself as I waited for her to show me what she needed help with.

She glanced up at me and then to her feet before she looked back up at me with a smile as she thanked me and told me to follow her. I stared at her back for a bit, wondering what she could possibly want from me after all of this time.

All of my friends that knew about Soul Society, except for Keigo and Mizuiro, avoided me. I'm sure that they thought that I wouldn't notice it after a long while, but I saw it pretty fucking quickly.

But, I said and did nothing to stop them.

I saw that they were avoiding me to spare my feelings. They were evading me so then they wouldn't slip up and say something about Soul Society, since they were still affiliated with the Shinigami. They thought they were considering me. But that's not fucking consideration; that was convenience. For them. It was convenient for them to avoid me so they could speak and act freely instead of having me around and having to watch themselves.

Yet, I did nothing to stop them, so I guess I have no room to complain… so… why do I feel so fucking heartbroken that they just up and left me when I was no longer useful?

"Kurosaki-kun," she called, pulling me back into reality as I looked up at her curiously. I was so lost within my thoughts that I hadn't realized that we were on the roof, which was kind of a bad idea since it looked like it was going to fucking rain cats and dogs.

"Hm? Wait, why are we on the roof?" I asked, absentmindedly voicing my thoughts while I fixed her with a suspicious and curious look. Suddenly, a rather outlandish thought occurred to me and my stomach fell through the fucking floor all the way to the basement of the school.

'Oh, fuck no. No. No, no, no, no,' I desperately chanted in my head.

"I'm sorry, Kurosaki-kun, I… lied… when I asked you for your help," she began as she nervously glanced between the ground and me. She fidgeted nervously while she looked bashful.

"I just wanted to say, that …" she trailed off as a blush crept onto her cheeks. She turned her head down as she blurted out, "I love you!"

After a few moments of silence passed, she anxiously glanced at my reaction, but I made myself look as though I was shocked.

Of course I was surprised that she actually confessed after all this time and after what had happened, but I was overwhelmed with a woeful mix of anger, frustration, sadness and most of all, guilt. I was upset that she confessed to me after shunning me, and I was sad and guilt-ridden that I couldn't reciprocate her feelings. I was angry and frustrated with myself for being gloomy and guilty. It's not like she actually loved me, so why should I feel bad? If she loved me, why would she disregard me?

If she loved me, wouldn't she notice that something was wrong with me? Then again, I tried my absolute best to hide it, so I guess I couldn't really complain and accuse her, huh?

'I really am the worst… she shouldn't love a thing like me… but then again, why do I care?'

"Kurosaki-kun?" She called, pulling me out of my musings and fixing me with a nervous, curious stare. I gave her my full attention, and before I could say anything, she timidly continued.

"I… I've loved you for a long time, and I'm sure you have the same feelings as me after Rukia left, so will… will you go out with me!" She stuttered and stumbled as she continued her confession, closing her eyes as she practically shouted out the last part.

I was too stunned to answer. I was ready to politely tell her I didn't feel the same way, but my thoughts were blown away when she speculated that I had the same feelings 'when Rukia left' and asked me out. I was taken aback. That was… kind of shallow… wasn't it?

"Ichigo?" She called with slight fear and anxiety edging their way into her voice. I blinked at her before I responded.

"Um, I'm not really sure how to say this… but," I began with a sigh, though I trailed off, pursing my lips as glancing away from her. Even if she was completely oblivious to everything about me putting up a front, I couldn't really believe she thought that I shared her feelings. Besides, it's not like she really treated me well. Sure, she wasn't as insensitive as Rukia, but she'd treated me like a stranger. When she was shunning me, just like how it was with Chad and Ishida, it was like I was nothing but air. It was like I was nothing at all. So when I remembered how they – how she – had treated me, I steeled myself and said what I needed to.

"Look, Orihime, I don't love you. I do not like you, romantically, whatsoever. So, I won't go out with you. I'm," I said with a firm tone but as politely as I could, and I was about to apologize too, but she quickly cut in.

"What… do you mean?" She asked in a quiet, shaky, and extremely heartbroken tone. She looked up at me with big watery eyes as her face was consumed with dread. I just looked down at her with my usual scowling face, I pretended to be unaffected by her reaction, despite the wave of guilt that washed over me. Just because she treated me poorly, doesn't mean I could hurt like this.

Though, I'm not really sure why I feel so miserable for her. It's not like I remotely like her… I guess I just can't help but feel bad… like I'd said before, I was so used to the pain that it would be weird if it weren't there, so I guess I welcomed it now.

"What I mean," I huffed as I shoved my hands in my pockets and give her a gentle gaze, relaxing my scowl so then my eyebrows were relaxed and my mouth in a slight frown. "Is that I hold no romantic feelings for you, at all."

"So that must mean you love Rukia, huh?" She practically spat as she glared at my stunned countenance.

"Huh? What? No, I don't love her either," I replied rather bluntly, taken aback by Inoue's angry glare, but her scowl slowly melted into a somewhat shocked look.

"Then… who do you love?" She questioned slowly, looking at me with suspicion as she rose a hand to hold her own chin, as if pondering who could hold my affections, and as the question left her lips, I felt my stomach plummet further down, straight into the earth's core.

I felt all of the precious oxygen escape me as my lungs constricted. I felt my chest grow tight and heavy. I felt my 'heart' stop. But I didn't show it. On the outside I knew I looked a bit surprised, but it was a normal reaction, since this was a rather rare conversation. However, on the inside, I was freaking the fuck out. I was on the verge of a panic attack. Though, when I came to a conclusion as to what my next action should be, I felt my 'heart' shrivel. I felt my chest grow impossibly tighter. I felt a knife laced with poison stab into my chest. I felt that poison course through every vein and every artery, killing me awfully painfully and insanely slowly, but I just wore a gentle convincing smile. I lied right through my teeth with professional ease.

"I don't love anyone, Orihime. To be honest, I'm just focusing on my studies. Everything that had happened prior kind of affected my grades, so I'm trying to get advanced marks so then I could get a scholarship to my college of choice. I mean I wasn't doing bad, I scored average marks. I just want to do better," I answer smoothly with my kind smile, and with a soft even voice, as if I were talking to a wounded animal.

"Oh! Okay!" She shouted contentedly and she practically skipped her way to the exit of the roof. I could see that she was pretty heartbroken and embarrassed, and I could see that she was trying to hide it by acting overly happy, shouting and carrying herself like she normally would. I had decided to just let her go.

"Sorry for randomly pulling you up here! Won't happen again! Bye!" She yelled to me, closing the door behind her before I could even say my farewells to her.

The closing of the door echoed throughout the roof, and I was utterly alone with rain clouds threatening to dump all of their water onto my head, but I have yet to care.

I let loose a world-weary sigh, hunching my shoulders as I trudged over toward the fence outlining the perimeter of the roof to look out over Karakura town.

My eyelids became heavy with melancholy, and the corners of my mouth turned downward into a deep frown. My eyebrows pulled together, but in sorrow rather than irritation or my usual scowl.

I felt utterly wretched. I felt like a wreck, a mess. The guilt pulsed within my chest and slowly spread throughout my body. The grief ate away at me; the sorrow slowly tore and feasted upon my insides, leaving the outermost layer of skin to rot. The hopelessness and helplessness beat whatever was left of my heart with clubs adorn with rusty nails. The emptiness sucked away at whatever was left of my heart, making sure there were no leftovers.

I really am pathetic, aren't I. Rukia had said that several times, huh? Not just her though. Many of my Shinigami friends – and Ishida if I recall – have all told me that. I wonder why I didn't believe them before…

Ah, that's right.

It was because I tried to hide all of these ugly, useless, stupid emotions from them. It was because these emotions are weak, so I tried to hide my weaknesses so I could become strong.

Well, take a damn good look at me now. I'm nothing but pitiful, powerless, helpless, and weak. I'm so goddamn weak.

It almost angers me how awful I had become, but I'm just way too damn tired. It's like my oncoming irritation was sucked out of me, leaving me feeling completely drained of any and all energy.

I heaved another heavy sigh as I closed my eyes and tilted my head upwards. I focused on breathing for a few moments, when I'd realized that I'd found it hard to get air into my lungs, and when I'd managed to take shallow breathes, I cracked my eyelids open to look at the gloomy sky as if I were expecting all of the answers to my questions and problems to fall. But only the rain fell.

It began to rain and I was already soaked to the bone in a matter of seconds, but I didn't move from my spot. I didn't care. I didn't care when the bell rang, indicating that class has started. I just didn't care.

All I fucking wanted was for my torrent of agonizing emotions to calm. Even if it would be strange for them to no longer be there, I wanted it all to stop… or did I?

I deserved it… right?

For being so stupid like they had said. For being pitiful. For being weak. For not being able to take care of myself. For never quite understanding explanations that were provided. For being a stubborn asshole. For being myself.

Besides, what's so good about me?

I'm abnormally tall. I'm scrawny. My eyes are an unattractive brown. My nose isn't perfectly straight. I'm always scowling. I'm not even remotely attractive. I have no sense for fashion. I'm a short-tempered hotheaded brat. I'm ignorant. I'm arrogant. I don't know when to stop once I get going on something. I'm not funny. I'm not all that smart; even with all of the studying I do, it's extremely hard for me to make a mark that's considered advanced. I'm rough-around-the-edges. I'm always in the way. I'm not trusting. I'm annoying. I'm usually all-talk. I'm always frowning. I'm not gentle. My limbs aren't proportional. I have scars littering my body.

I have fucking orange hair! I get bullied for it so much. Thank god I still have the physical capabilities from my training from when I was trying to be the best I could be when I was a Shinigami…but still… I get bullied. I get made fun of, and I pretend that it doesn't damage me. I pretend that the constant ache in my chest doesn't exist. So when they try to beat me up, so I kick their butts into next week. However, I always get scolded for defending myself. Even the instructors hate me based on how I look. They don't even like how I do well in my studies.

I can never win.

It confuses me greatly and constantly whenever I put the tiniest bit of thought into it. I'm supposed to do well I school, and when I do, I'm insufferable? I'm supposed to defend myself, and when I do; I get in trouble and am condemned? It's all so confusing that I just choose not to think about it, and I do what I do. Nowadays, I just go with the flow as I try not to let anything bother me. Not when my instructors glare at me. Not when my peers growl and hiss at me. Not when I score a lower grade than I should. I fucking know I should have gotten a ninety-three percent on my last English exam than that ninety percent I got. Though, I guess it doesn't matter, because when I brought it up to my instructor and other staff member, they just shrugged me off. I just… I don't fucking care anymore. Now, I just let things happen. I must have justified the treatment for being so awful, right?

I even, occasionally, let the bullies size me up a bit before I beat the living shit out of them to relief at least some of my angst…

Oh whom the fuck am I kidding? I let them beat me up because I feel like I deserve it. I feel like I'm the worst, the most filthy, insignificant living organism on this wretched planet. I feel like scum. I feel like gum scrapped off of someone's shoe.

Sometimes, I let them hit me because it's something else to feel other than the aching, the throbbing, and the stinging.

That's bad, isn't it? But I guess I don't care.

Besides, when I come home with those injuries, my father either ignores them or doesn't care as he pulls his normal stunts, Karin never notices, and Yuzu scolds me to not start fights and she hands me my own personal first-aid kit to bandage myself up. It's always like this with everything. Even when I complained that my instructors were cheating me off of points – my father dismissed it, Karin shrugged it off, and Yuzu just told me to try harder as she continued to cook dinner.

So it all didn't really matter.

All of a sudden, warmth trails down my face and I jump slightly. I blink once or twice, realizing that I'm still on the roof, in the pouring rain. I haven't moved a single muscle, that is, until more warm streaks traveled down my cheek, down my neck, and into my soaked uniform. I rose a trembling – 'when did I start shaking' – hand to my face and gingerly touched the tips of my fingers to the corner of my eye.

I was… crying?

'Why…?'

As soon as I realized I was crying, I couldn't stop it. Hot tears poured out onto my face, mixing the cold stinging sensation of the rain with gentle warmth. I felt my slightly surprised countenance fall as I blankly stared out to some place in the sky. I was despondent. My tears were never-ending rivers as they left jaded eyes. I didn't mutter a sound. I just silently wept in the rain, letting the rain hide my tears, and when I ran out of tears to shed, I let the rain do the crying for me.

When that thought occurred to me, the thought of the rain crying for me, I felt a little bit of the weight in my chest lift and for once, I was actually… okay. Not good, not bad, just content that a little bit of the weight lifted.

I stood there, at that spot on the roof until the final bell rang. When that final bell rang, the heavy rainfall lighted to a drizzle and I felt somewhat refreshed, but then I sighed.

'Shit, I'll have to get notes and today's homework from Mizuiro. I better collect my things and go find him.' I thought, sighing again as I was reminded of how utterly drenched I was. Still, I decided I didn't really care all that much considering the results of standing and crying in the rain, so I left to do what I had to do so I could go home and repeat another dreadful day.

Though as I left to find one of my only remaining friends, I couldn't help but wonder:

'When will he finally find me? When will he come for me? I want to see him, so badly.'

*Thank you again for reading! Please tell me what you, because I'm actually quite insecure about this piece… so let me know what you think! Hope you have a wonderful day – despite the fact that this is a sad story…*