Because I'm Awesome

Chapter One

Louise Françoise de La Valliere had been looking forward to the Springtime Summoning Ritual for as long as she had been dreading it. It was a test, a chance to prove herself a noble worthy of her family name. The fact that she had failed every other test along the way was irrelevant. This one was the one that mattered. This one was going to be different.

When the day finally came, she had hoped to summon something amazing, but she would have been content to get something average, like a cat or a dog. She had even prepared for that, and ordered a pile of straw brought up to her room for her familiar to sleep on. A dragon wouldn't fit, but if she summoned a dragon, she'd accept the inconvenience.

She raised her wand and began her spell, trying to ignore the sniggers and jeers from her classmates. Everyone else had already summoned their familiars, and while only a few of them had been impressive, all of them had been successful.

Except for her. She had memorized the words to the spell and recited them like everyone else, but nothing happened besides an explosion. When her chance to try again came, she did exactly the same thing and spoke the words perfectly, but to no result. She tried again a third time, and for the third time nothing happened.

By the time her fourth chance arrived, she had grown desperate. The only times mages needed more than two was when they summoned a fish or another familiar that couldn't survive normal conditions. But even a disaster was something. Louise was … Zero.

"By the Pentagon of the Five Powers," she said, beginning the spell just like she always had. But … what had the standard wording of the spell ever given her? She hadn't failed the spell. She recited the incantations perfectly! The spell had failed her! She needed to try something different. "Please, just give me something awesome."

It came out more like a prayer than a spell, but she had tried using magic and that hadn't worked. She needed a miracle.

WWW

Lift looked around at the crowd in front of her. She didn't recognize anyone. Or anything, from the flimsy, gangly building to the soft, slow grass. It didn't look nothing like the crowded stone streets in Azir she had left behind. "I have no idea where I am." Her dirty, round face split into a grin. "Perfect!"

Wyndle's face formed out of vines that grew around her feet. "I am immediately regretting this decision, Mistress."

Lift took a deep breath. The air was full of smells she ain't never smelled before. None of it smelled like food, but still it was different! "You can't regret that decision! It was my decision! Only I can regret those."

"More and more I question both statements, Mistress."

"Hush, Voidbringer." Wyndle sighed as she looked around. She hadn't been everywhere, but she'd seen all sorts of people. Most of the folk in front of her looked a bit like Iriali with their golden blond hair, but not completely. Others she didn't recognize at all, like the blue-haired girl. Lift had traveled over half of Roshar, and she ain't never saw no one blue.

They were all young, only a few years older than her, except for a bald man who looked like an Ardent. He was old. You had to be old for all your hair to fall out, and his head was bald instead of shaved. She hadn't seen too many of them Vorin priests, their folk stayed more eastward toward the Origin, but she never saw none of them with hair. Best to keep Wyndle away from that one. She didn't want to get an exorcism just yet.

"So where do you think we ended up?"

"Apologies, is that your permission for me to stop hushing?" On second thought, an exorcism didn't sound half bad. "Ahem. Judging by the landscape and the flora, I can assume that we are on some part of the world untouched by Highstorms."

What? But the Highstorms went everywhere! That's what made them the stormin' Highstorms! Except for, well …. "You mean like Shinovar or someplace like that?"

"Perhaps."

Lift looked around. "But none of them people look Shin. I mean, some are short, some are pale, and that one's bald, but none of them are all three."

"Then," Wyndle concluded, "we must be somewhere else where the Highstorm does not reach."

Lift frowned. It sounded sketchy, like the sort of thing a Voidbringer would say to trick her. Starvin' Voidbringer was always trying to trick her. "But I ain't never heard of nowhere else like that."

"Then," Wyndle said, his vine and crystal body circling around her through the grass that seemed to have taken no notice of her, "I must assume that you have never heard of here."

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When Louise cast the spell for the fourth time, there was an explosion just like when she tried to cast anything else. She sighed. Once more, Louise the Zero had lived down to her nickname and failed to live up to her family name, and had accomplished …

… wait. As the dust cleared, Louise made out the image of a figure that had not been there before. Was that her familiar? Had her spell worked? Had, against all hope, her prayer been answered?

No. Because when the dust settled all the way, the only thing that emerged from her explosion was a peasant. A peasant. She wanted to deny it at first, but the only newcomer in the field was a scrawny girl with dirty clothes and long black hair.

In a way, it was worse than summoning nothing. It was funny.

It was like the universe was playing a joke on her. A noble that couldn't use magic was no different than a commoner, the universe seemed to say, so it gave her one.

Well, screw you, universe! No one messes with a Valliere! "This was a mistake!" she said aloud to her teacher, Professor Colbert. "Can I try again?"

He shook his bald, bespectacled head. "No."

Oh. Well, in that case, she'd just have to bring out the heavy artillery. "Can I please try again?" Her noble aura and overwhelming charm hit her teacher like an avalanche.

Which he ignored completely. "No!" He sighed, and his tone softened. "Look, Miss Valliere. No one gets the exact familiar they want, but this is what the spell gave you. I know that summoning a commoner is … unorthodox, but that is the familiar you have received."

"But professor! What are people going to say when they see me dragging a peasant around with me everywhere?"

"I don't know what you're complaining about," Kirche von Zerbst spoke up. Despite what Colbert said, Kirche was inordinately pleased with her summon, a large, red salamander, and seemed like she was planning on bragging about it for the rest of the semester. "I think a commoner is perfect for you. It can't use magic, and you–"

"Yes, Zerbst, I already thought of that," Louise snapped. "And it wasn't funny then!"

Colbert stepped between them. "Stop fighting, both of you. And Miss Valliere, the Springtime Summoning Ritual is a sacred tradition, not a vanity spell. If you refuse to seal the contract with your familiar, I will be forced to expel you."

She swallowed. There it was, the E word. She wasn't the only one who had decided to bring out the heavy artillery, and Colbert's was bigger than hers. She looked at the commoner she had summoned, who had started hopping of all things, completely indifferent to the nobility surrounding her.

Louise approached her, and tried to ignore her jeering peers. "Hey, what's your name?" It was only polite to ask that before the next step.

The girl looked up at her as if just noticing her and stopped bouncing. She looked to be about twelve, but so did Louise, so she might have just been a late bloomer too. It was her cheap clothes that marked her as a commoner, with a shirt that used to be white and a pair of baggy brown trousers and no shoes. Her tan skin made her look like she was from Germania, but Louise hoped that wasn't the case. Besides, the girl had long, black hair, and Germania was made up exclusively of redheaded skanks. Her mother told her so.

"I'm Lift," she said, half distracted by stomping on the grass. "What's yours? And where am I? 'Cause I sure ain't in Azir no more, and I don't think this is Shinovar neither."

Louise blinked. Even the peasant's speech sounded common. The maids in the Academy, at least, had the decency to speak properly or not at all. She wondered if she could gag her familiar without raising too many eyebrows.

"Yeah, didn't think so," Lift continued. "So what was your name?"

She sighed. It could have been worse. She didn't know how, but it could have been. She pulled out her wand. "My name is Louise Françoise Le Blanc de La Valliere."

"Loo-eese Francheese de what now?" The peasant, Lift, snorted. "Got something shorter?"

Louise hesitated. She'd go through with this if she had to, but she'd do it her own way. She pulled out a silk handkerchief out of her pocket and rubbed it on the girl's forehead to remove some of the dirt. "My name," she said again, starting over, "is Louise Françoise Le Blanc de La Valliere. Pentagon of the Five Elemental Powers; bless this humble being and make her my familiar."

"Louise Fransauce Le Bonk la de da Vanilla," Lift said. "You're gonna to make what your what?"

She ignored her, tapped the girl's head with her wand, and kissed her on the forehead.

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Lift blinked. The Louise girl–she looked kind of Veden with pink hair instead of red, though really pink was just red that wasn't trying–turned and walked back to her group, ignoring her. "Huh," she said, rubbing her forehead. "That was odd."

"Oh dear," Wyndle said, swirling around the grass at her feet. "Something is not right, mistress."

"I know. I just said that. Odd way of saying hello, but beats a fist to the–"

"No!" Lift looked down at him. He whined all the time, but he never shouted unless it was something big. "This is worse! I can feel something pushing our bond aside, similar to the Nahel Bond, but very, very wrong!"

Heat spread throughout her body, not just where the girl had kissed her, but everywhere. It was like some mad Ardent with a Soulcaster was trying to transmute her into fire.

"Do something!" Wyndle screamed.

She did. She swore in every language she knew and several she didn't, courtesy of Tigzikk the scholar. She didn't know what all the words meant, but she was pretty sure that the Thaylen part translated to "Kelek's nose hairs," which made her feel a little better. But still on fire.

"Something else!"

There was only one other thing she could think of. She became Awesome. She didn't like doing it when people were watching, but without making herself Slick or growing nothing, the only outward sign of her Awesomeness was a bit of white smoke coming off of her, which was nearly invisible on a sunny day.

She could feel the heat inside of her, consuming her, but when she used her Awesomeness to push it out, it left as quickly as it had come.

As she lay collapsed on the ground, panting for breath, the Ardent picked up her left hand and looked real close at it. Sure, ignore the girl that nearly burst into flames, but that mark on the back of her hand looked interesting. Lousy Ardent.

"These runes are very unusual," the world's worst Ardent observed.

"Did … did it work?" Lift asked Wyndle. Storms, she was hungry.

"I remain cognizant while in the Physical Realm," the Voidbringer replied. "So I assume so."

"Yes," the bald man said to her. "You'll be happy to know that Miss Valliere has successfully sealed you as her familiar."

What?

"On her first try, too," he continued. "Congratulations, Miss Valliere. But these runes … I need to do some research." He looked around as though remembering where he was. "That's everyone, so class dismissed." He, and nearly everyone else floated into the air and flew away.

If she wasn't so hungry, Lift would have been more surprised. A lot more. "Did all those people just start flying?" she asked. Storms, she felt dizzy. What she needed right now was cake.

"Of course," the Veden girl Louise said. "What's wrong with that?"

With frosting and berries and … no. Cake later. Now she had crazy to worry about. "That's normal here? People whenever can just … vloop?" She mimed her hand taking off. "Up in the air like that?" That sounded neat. Maybe not awesome, but certainly neat.

"Of course. It's a basic wind spell, so I'm sure that the lord of whatever backwoods countryside you hail from could do it, though you might not have ever seen him."

"Backwoods countryside?" Lift repeated indignantly. "I've been everywhere between Azir and Rall Elorim, and I ain't never seen no one who could fly till now."

"Azir? Rall Elorim? Where are those places? Somewhere in Germania?"

"What? No, it's the entire western side of Roshar." Lift wasn't that big on geography, but you had to be a starvin' moron to not know about the some of the largest kingdoms on the continent.

"And Roshar is … where?" Yup. Starvin' moron. Louise shook her head. "You know what, it would be easier for you to just point it out on a map. Now, if there's nothing else …"

"Yeah, there's something else! I have so many questions! Where am I? And more importantly, how did I get here? No, most importantly, do you have anything to eat? 'Cause I'm starvin'."

Louise sighed. She did that a lot, and she was starting to remind her of Wyndle. "Come with me. I'll order something brought up."

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A master had two duties to her familiar: to provide food and shelter. Louise didn't know how well her peasant was going to hold up her end of the contract, but Louise was going to be the best darn master in Tristain even if it killed her. Her noble pride demanded no less.

She sat on the chair in her room with her back straight, while her familiar lounged over the pile of straw. Louise wasn't expecting refinement from the commoner, but she was just coarse! She was about to reprimand the girl's behavior when a maid entered the room, carrying a tray with two plates and two glasses of wine.

She realized her mistake as soon as she saw the tray. When she had requested dinner for two to be brought up, she neglected to specify that one of them was a commoner, so the staff brought up two noble dishes. Each plate had a slab of salmon with spiced rice and a hot bread roll on the side, and while Louise had never been fond of the smell of fish, it was a finer fair than she should let her familiar get used to tasting.

Not that Lift seemed intent on tasting it. Or chewing it, if she could help it. She picked up the fish with her hands and crammed it into her mouth. Louise winced. "We have silverware, you know."

"So?" Lift asked, with her mouth still full. "You can't eat that."

"You know," Louise said. "Most commoners go their entire lives without being invited to eat with a noble. The least you could do is at least try to use table manners."

Lift slurped down the roll. Louise didn't even know that one could slurp a roll. "I ate with an emperor before. He didn't mind none."

"Emperor? How'd you get invited to eat with an emperor?" The only country she knew of with an emperor was Germania. Romalia had a pope, and the rest of Halkeginia had monarchs. Of course, Rub al'Khali might have had a dozen tiny empires that no one knew about.

"I helped him with his application." She tilted the plate to her mouth and poured the rice in.

"Why would an emperor need your help with an application?" What kind of emperor needed an application at all?

Lift shrugged. "Because I'm awesome." She looked at Louise's plate, which she hadn't touched. Watching Lift eat had ruined her appetite. "Are you going to eat that?"

Awesome? Peculiar choice of words. Once more, Louise felt like the universe was making fun of her. At its own peril.

"Knock yourself out."

"YES!" She snatched the plate and began shoving its contents into her mouth, as though she hadn't eaten in weeks. And, for all Louise knew, she hadn't. She was probably lying about eating with an emperor. That was the sort of nonsense people made up to make themselves seem important.

She took a sip of her wine. Founder knew she needed a drink after all this. "If you are wondering where you are, you are in the Kingdom of Tristan in the Tristan Academy."

"Uh-huh." If Lift recognized the name, she gave no sign. If she was even listening to her, she gave no sign of that either.

"I summoned you here for the purpose of being my familiar."

"Oh, so that was you who made that Oath Gate thingy?"

"The what?"

"You know, that glowing green mirror thingy that brought me here. That was you?"

"I don't know what happened on your end, but yes, I cast the spell that brought you here."

"Huh. So which one are you? You an Elsecaller or a … what was the other one?" She seemed to be addressing a spot on the wall. "A Willshaper? Right."

"Are those what people call types of mages where you are from?"

"Um …." She looked back in the corner. "Yeah. Sure." She slurped down her second roll and showed no signs of slowing down.

That was probably what the lower classes called mages, giving them mystical, unwieldy names. "There are four types of mages after the four major elements: fire, water, earth, and air. There's a fifth element, but that's only found in myths and legends. There aren't any mages called … whatever it was you called them."

"Huh."

"And now that you are here, I expect you to fulfill your new role as my familiar."

"Oh?" Lift said, licking her fingers. She seemed amused.

"Yes. Do you understand what a familiar is?" This was the first conversation that Louise had ever held with a commoner, but she decided it was safest to assume that the girl was ignorant of everything until proven otherwise.

"Sure, a familiar is, um …." She glanced at the corner again. Louise followed her gaze, but didn't see anything. "It's what again?"

Louise sighed. "A familiar is expected to protect, fetch things for, and generally serve its master." Though Louise doubted that the girl was strong enough to protect her from anything.

"Hold on." Lift stood up and pointed a finger at Louise. "Am I a slave?"

Louise blanched. "Of course not! Slavery is a barbaric tradition that we expunged from our society long ago. A familiar is completely different!"

"Yeah? How?"

Louise rolled her eyes. "For one, I can't sell you. And trust me, if they let us buy and sell familiars, I would have saved up and bought a dragon."

Lift looked at the runes on her left hand suspiciously. "Keep talkin' lady, 'cause this is startin' to look a whole lot like a slave brand to me."

Louise sighed. She bet that if she had summoned a dragon, it wouldn't be keeping her up all night asking stupid questions, and it certainly wouldn't be questioning the most sacred traditions of the civilized world.

"Do they have slavery where you come from?"

"Uh-huh. Only, they gots their brands on their foreheads."

Ugh. Barbaric. "See? Yours is on your hand, ergo, you are not a slave. Moving on–"

"Hold on," Lift interrupted. "How come I'm your 'familiar?' What did I do? 'Cause where I'm from, you don't end up a slave unless you break some important law, and no one saw me do none of the stuff I did, and the other stuff I got pardoned for!"

"Being made a familiar is not a punishment!" Louise said. "If anything, it's an honor. You should feel honored right now!"

Lift gave her a flat look as though she were being ridiculous. And maybe she was. After all, one couldn't expect a peasant to understand honor.

"Alright," Louise continued. "I know you didn't choose this, but I didn't either. Again, if I could choose my familiar, I would have gone for a dragon. But this is the hand fate dealt us, and we can't oppose the Founder's will." No matter how much I want to.

Lift studied the mark on her hand and mouthed something to herself when her eyes lit up. "Hold on! Hold on, earlier, when you made me your familiar thingy, you bound me with words, right?"

"I used a spell incantation, yes."

"And now that I'm your familiar thingy, I gotta do what you say, right?"

Louise smiled. "Correct." Finally, they were getting somewhere.

Lift pointed a finger at her. "You're tryin' to make me your pet Voidbringer, ain't ya?"

"Void-what now?"

Lift grinned triumphantly. "But the joke's on you! I ain't no Voidbringer, and you're gonna need more than words to bind me!"

Louise felt a vein bulge in her forehead and she took a deep breath. Founder, her familiar was going to give her an aneurysm, and it was just the first day! "I'm going to start from the beginning. Let me know where I lost you."

It was going to be a long night.

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A/n This is, as far as I can tell, the first Stormlight Familiar of Zero crossover on the internet, courtesy of Magery. He agreed to edit this and was rather surprised when he found out that I had written a story about Lift and hadn't published it.

The cover image was designed by Botanicaxu, who has produced some of the best animesque Cosmere fanart on the internet, and you can find more of her work at botanicaxu dot tumblr dot com. Posted with permission, because Botanicaxu is a wonderful person.

This is my first time writing a character with a street accent, or any accent really, and I don't know how many Stormlight Archive fans are on this site, so I appreciate any reviews you can leave. Thank you.