Hi everyone,

It is my first english story about Castle, and this idea came out of nowhere as I was trying to sleep. I used to watch this TV Show a lot about six years ago, and Kate Beckett has always been a heroin of mine, which is why I wanted to write about her thoughts during the three months away from Castle and away from the Precinct. This story is therefore set during 4x01 and is a One-Shot.

I hope you will enjoy this story, I haven't written for Castle for about 4 years…

Also, let me mention that I am French, and therefore, I apologize for any mistakes found. I tried to reduce them as much as possible… But I am not perfect :)

Enjoy and, let me know what you thought about it :)

She had told him she needed some time.

She had told him she would call him back.

And she never did.

Days came flying by, all the same, all different. Only one thing never changed.

That bullet scar right in her chest. The scar of a battle she hadn't won. Would she ever?

A single tear came rolling down her cheek. Silent tears for a broken heart. She wiped it away immediately, ashamed to let her emotion take over her body. Her father was watching TV nearby and she didn't want him to worry. To see how broken she was. How her mind kept wandering, never settling down. She could barely sleep, or eat. She didn't talk much. What was there to say anyway?

Nothing.

And yet so much.

Katherine Beckett suddenly felt her heart quiver. She couldn't rest because she was afraid. Afraid to die again. Afraid to face her feelings. Afraid to loose him. Afraid because she missed Castle. And she knew he missed her too. Because she was in love with him and so was he. Castle. His name alone was enough to make her heart beat faster. Castle, and his azure eyes, telling him that he was in love with her.

She took a deep breath. Rose from her chair. Her father turned to look at her, worried.

« Katie, honey. Are you alright? »

« Yeah. Fine. I'll… just take a walk. »

He was already up, ready to go with his treasure wherever she would go. Not today, daddy, sorry.

« You want me to come with you? »

« It's okay dad. I need some time alone. »

« Alright, sweetie. Be back before the sun sets. I have made you your favorite dinner. »

She nodded. The door closed behind her back, heavy, old. She had retired for the last two weeks in her father's cabin, a little house near the sea in order to rest fully. Didn't seem to work out too well…

It wasn't his fault. He had made everything in his power in order to make her life easier. Whenever she felt down, he would just sit, put her favorite movie on, and prepare her favorite meal just to see a rare smile on her face. He had been the perfect father, finally.

Guilt. She felt guilty for not thanking him enough. He had made so much sacrifices for her, his only daughter and yet, she barely talked to him. Not that she didn't want to. She just couldn't.

Kate was too lost to say anything. Too broken to even confess her thoughts. So she remained on her chair, reading or thinking all day long.

Thinking about him. The love of her life.

The detective sighed. She was now in the forest, a peaceful place for a hesitant heart. Birds were joyfully flying around as the wind was brushing the leaves of massive trees. On the ground, flowers, and plants were slowly making their ways up to the sky, almost touching the sun. Almost…Her footsteps were the only sound to be heard.

Alone, here, in this forest, bonding with Mother Nature, she considered herself safe. She could no longer hurt her father with her silence, and her terrible thoughts were flying away with the birds.

A smile finally appeared on her beautiful, and yet tired face. Her hair, wild, was being pushed by the wind, blowing in her ear, whispering again and again the same sentence.

« Stay with me, Kate… »

She could still hear the despair of this statement. The tension following it. She remembered his hand, behind her neck, soft and strong, helping her. His eyes, filled with tears, watching her as if she were the eight wonder of the universe. She could picture herself lying down in this cemetery, feeling loved despite the pain. So much pain…

« I love you, Kate. »

The women closed her eyes. No. She wasn't ready to deal with all of this now. Not yet. Not after what she had been through. A certain part of her was still thinking she should have died that day. It would have made everything easier. Truth to be told, she loved Castle too. She just wasn't strong enough to embrace this. What if something happened to him? No… Her mother's death damaged her to the core, there was no way she would loose him too.

So, when he asked her about the shooting, she had answered that she didn't remember any of it.

It was a lie. The biggest, and stupidest lie of her life. She had freaked out, that's all. What was she supposed to answer to that? Oh, yes, Rick, I remember you telling me you loved me. But I am sorry. I do not feel ready for this yet. I love you too. I always have. I just… need time? It would perhaps have been better… maybe. But what is done, is done.

And too scared to face her own feelings, she had pulled away from him.

Him, his savior whom she needed desperately.

Days were longer without his silly jokes, and her nights were hunted by his handsome face. She would even sometimes wonder what her life would have been with him…

Beckett shrugged. Silly thoughts. She was tired of remembering.

The detective pulled from her jean's pocket, a little iPod that she quickly plugged into her ears. She turned the music on, letting it flow, raised the volume to the maximum and started running. She wasn't supposed to do any physical activity. She didn't care. She needed to run away from all of this… whatever this was.

Each step procured her freedom, and peace. The aching of her limbs made her feel alive. The wind was running through her clothes and she could almost believe that she was flying. She was running so fast, her foot barely touching the ground.

« KATE ! »

The bullet broke the air. Screams. Pain.

She stopped. Turned around. She was alone. No sniper. No Castle. No Montgomery lying dead inside of a coffin after saving her life. No blood on her hands. She was alive. She was scared.

What if they found her again? Would they kill her this time? What would it be like?

Kate shook her head. She had now arrived near the beach.

The beach of her childhood.

Without hesitating, the gorgeous woman undressed slowly, knowing that there would be no one out there at this time of the day. Her shirt hit the ground, slowly followed by the rest of her clothes. Naked, at her most natural way of being, she walked her way through the water, each grain of sand screaming under her toes a single name.

Castle. Castle…

The water was brushing her toes, terribly cold but she was used to it. Each drop seemed to erase her fears, her troubles. In no time, she dived into the dark waves and embraced the water's caress on her burning skin. She imagined Castle's touch on her. The way he would pull a lock of hair behind her ears. Her hand immediately rested on her bare chest, protecting the scar. As if It would re-open. Hiding behind her hand her broken heart.

As if the bullet was still burning inside of her.

Taking a small breath, she emerged herself completely into the blue, hearing the silence of the sea, the calm of the waves. Her mother used to take her here for a walk, and they would play in the water all day long. Her mother used to bring her to this beach, and she still would if some people hadn't decided to put an end to her life. How selfish. How rude. How cruel.

Don't leave me Kate…

« I am not leaving. Not now. Not just yet. »

She wanted to press the button.

She wanted to do it so badly.

It had been a month. A month since she was back to her appartement in New York City, so near and yet so far from him. She couldn't forget him. And yet she wasn't ready to see the writer again.

Conflicted thoughts for a desperate soul. How could she deal with this strong, growing love and with her mother's case? She couldn't let any of them down. They were too important to her.

Her finger were typing again and again his number on her phone without being able to actually make that single call. What would he say after all this time? Would he be mad at her for making him wait for so long? He would. She could almost hear his annoyed tone, see his eyes rolling and a sigh escaping his lips. The lips she wanted to press so badly against hers. The very same lips that tasted like hope when they had shared their first kiss… And what a kiss!

What if he decided that he didn't want to talk to her anymore ? What if he had moved on? After three years, would he really? She didn't know. She wasn't sure.

The woman frowned, burying her fingers into her soft hair, pulling it away from her face.

Why was she so desperate for his presence? Since when couldn't she only rely on her own? She craved to see him, hear him, be with him. It was her second obsession, along with her mother. Only he was alive. Only he was waiting. Richard Castle had broken into a heart, made himself at home and would probably never leave. Perhaps for the best ? He had broken up the wall she had built, brick by brick, revealing the true Katherine Beckett hiding behind it. The dreamy girl who wanted nothing but love. Care. Happiness.

Castle made her believe in a better world, through his theories, and stories. He was her hope.

Kate took a deep breath. She could do this. She had survived being shot, a simple call wouldn't kill her after that.

Closed her eyes.

Pushed the green button.

Waited.

Again and again.

She was starting to lose hope.

And then…

« Richard Castle? »

There she heard his voice again and her heart melted. There, right in the other side of the line was the person she missed more than anything. The man who tackled her down, willing to risk his own life to save her's. What was he doing right now? Had she interrupted him? She didn't know what to say. What do to. She only wanted to make sure he was fine, despite everything that had happened. Despite the fact that he hadn't heard from her in months. He seemed tired. But he still had this… childish voice while answering the phone. She smiled. She smiled with all her teeth like she had never smiled before.

I miss you, she wanted to say, but her lips never opened. The detective kept on holding the phone to her ear, attentive to his every breaths, never wanting to let it go.

Suddenly, the door of her appartement flung open, making her jump from surprise. She brought her hands to her lips, preventing a scream. The phone, on the same movement inexorably fell into the ground, and crushed into pieces.

« Hello? » She just heard before the line cut. Before her only hope to make things right were destroyed forever.

« Katie, I'm home. » Said a voice in the corridor.

And she knew exactly to whom this voice belonged to. A sigh escaped from her wet lips. For weeks she had been gathering the courage to call her writer friend, to tell him the truth and now her boyfriend had ruined this expected instant. The boyfriend she didn't actually loved, or at least, not like she loved Castle. Kate didn't even bother to turn around, knowing that she would meet his beautiful face, and yet, not the face she expected. His heavy footsteps were getting closer. She closed her eyes, as if she was resigned to her fate.

His arms were suddenly resting on her belly, his lips on her cheek. She frowned. Kate didn't want any of this. Not anymore. His touch felt wrong, as well as his presence in her appartement. Why was he back so soon? Why did he have to fall in love with her?

« God, I've missed you… » The doctor said, burying his face into her hair to breathe her scent.

She shivered, and pulled back, looking at him right in the eyes. His brown and serious orbs, shining with love and care.

« Josh. We need to talk. »

She wasn't smiling anymore.

Kate didn't know what she was doing here, in the middle of the night, standing in the front of his apartment's door. What kind of creep would do that ? She would never. And yet, here she was, wet from the rain outside, waiting for something. What exactly? Him? Maybe. She wasn't sure. In fact, her whole evening had been missing from her memory… She was lost. She only remembered the bar she was in, the shots she ordered, and then everything became kind of blurry. A face. Music. The taste of alcohol. A man's arms. Pieces shattered here and here inside of her.

Music was still beaming in her ears, making her heart beat faster. She wasn't drunk anymore, no. She was desperate. Smelling alcohol and cigarettes.

Desperate for him. Desperate for love.

Scared.

Shaking, she pulled a set of keys out of her bag. The key to his apartment. It was now way past midnight. He couldn't possibly be awake right? Besides, she only wanted to see him. See his face. Feel his presence nearby.

Because tonight was not just like any other night. Tonight was the anniversary of her mother's murder. Tonight, she couldn't be alone. She wasn't strong enough. Not after… That. Now that Josh was gone, and her father in his cabin, she had no one to talk to… And Castle… Castle was the only one who would understand her. Could understand her.

The detective pushed the door open, hoping for it to remain silent. The loft was dark, and quite, emptied of any living body. Alexis's bedroom door was closed, and so was Martha's. Only one room was open at that time of the night. The writer's office.

Cautious steps lead her right to his doorstep.

She sighed.

Richard Castle was lying on his desk, face buried into a mountain of paper, soundly asleep. The writer must have had fallen during one of his long writing session, brave soldier who thought he could defeat the blank page syndrome. His eyes were closed, his mouth slightly open, letting out a soft snore, while his hair had flattened upon his face. An angel. A very snoring angel, but still… Her heart clenched, aching from seeing the man of her life to be.

Kate Beckett found herself smiling at the vision of her sleeping partner, and for a few seconds, her worries were gone. Wiped by the intensity of this encounter.

Without even noticing, she had approached the man, and was now by his side, close enough to be able to touch him.

If only she could.

If only she would.

If only.

She took a deep breath, and with the tip of her finger, she brushed the top of his head just like her mother used to do to her when she was a little girl. Only now she was all grown up. The feel of his hair between her fingers felt like heaven, a little compensation for everything she had to go through.

Never she had thought that this simple touch would suffice to wake him up.

Suddenly, the writer opened his eyes and stirred, looking at her with a confused and still sleepy face. A scream of horror almost got out of her mouth. She never expected to be caught in such position. Her mind was racing, looking for a way out. It was too late. He had seen her here.

« Kate? » He whispered. « You are here. »

He could barely open fully his eyes, still half asleep and yet, something in his look made her heart quiver. It was full of hope, full of love, a little constellation of feelings, bubble of stars shining into these deep blue eyes. His voice was weak, rough from his little nap in the writer's desk. Kate smiled, noticing that the paper he had slept on had left marks on his skin. So Castle-like.

« Not really, Castle… » She murmured, not sure of what do say.

« What do you mean? »

He was confused. Good. That meant she could make him believe in almost everything now. He would never notice.

« You are dreaming. »

She wanted to slap herself for making-up such a bad excuse. He was childish, and immature, but certainly not stupid. He would burn her cover in less than a minute. Yet, a small and genuine smile painted itself in her partner's lips. He didn't move, just kept on watching her as If she could die at any moment.

« Makes sense. What would you do in my house so late anyways? »

Beckett laughed, still tense. She didn't want to have to explain her presence here. In fact, she wasn't even sure herself. Or so she thought…

« Exactly. »

« Yet, it is the most beautiful dream I had ever since… »

The shooting. She sighed. Kate Beckett had been living in hell ever since the bullet had entered her body but it never occurred to her that maybe Richard was suffering as well. It hit her like a train, when she saw the sadness in his look. He had not been hit, but he had almost lost his partner. His muse. The woman he loved, according to his love declaration. It must have been hard for him, and she had been selfish not to notice.

Tears were forming back into her brown eyes.

« You should go back to sleep, Castle… » She whispered, her voice cracking.

He nodded. Tired of not sleeping well for weeks.

« Yes… »

The writer was now lying again on his desk, closing his eyes. The detective chuckled.

« Your bed would be more confortable… » She stated, hoping he would dare return to his bedroom for a better night.

He deserved to sleep well, to rest at last. He deserved the moon, the eternity, everything. Alas, she had nothing to give him, yet. She wasn't ready. She would be. Soon enough. Hopefully.

« Even in my dreams, you are always right. »

Richard Castle got up, and walked near his muse. He was wearing a simple t-shirt with the first cover of Nikki Heat. On his way to his room, he suddenly turned his back to face her, and, then…

He kissed her.

Or she kissed him.

Their lips melted into each other for what seemed to be forever. It was chaste. It was pure. It was love.

« Goodnight, Kate. I love you. »

« I love you too… » She whispered into the dark, moving towards the entrance door.

He had kissed her again. For real this time, sort of. There was no one to fool, no one to kill, just the two of them, in this loft. He loved her, and she loved him too.

When she got back to work, Kate Beckett had the most beautiful smile on her face entering the building. She was happy to finally have an occupation for her lost mind, happy to see her friends and brothers again. Even the empty murder board was enough to enlighten her day. Never in her life she had felt so… right. So… At home. She was ready.

During her last weeks of rest, she had done her best to seem normal, as If nothing had ever happened. She had trained herself to remain professional, to hide her emotions as much as she could. She wasn't afraid to be shot in the streets anymore. She was better. So much better. Not fixed yet, but still, as good as she could be.

She wanted to put an end to this case and was ready to face all her demons. Almost all of them. Except for Castle's declaration. So, she treated Ryan and Esposito with coldness when they talked about Castle. Just as old Kate Beckett would have done.

Instead of answering their worried questions, she asked about her mother's case, as always.

Dead end. The new captain had closed the case, letting her murderer escape once again.

The detective was on her way to Iron Gates office when she realized that no coffee would be waiting on her desk anymore. No coffee. No Castle.

Nothing had changed. It was becoming to be her life motto. Only It wasn't true.

Seeing his chair empty made her feel guilty. They hadn't seen each other for three months now. It was more than time to meet her favorite writer, and make things right again, if it could be fixed. What better for that then a book signing?

A few years later.

« Madame Castle ? » The writer whispered into the dark of their bedroom. He had his hand resting on her naked hip, holding her as close as he could.

The cover wrapped their bodies, while a small breeze was caressing their very naked skins. They had made love all night, kissed and kissed again, never having enough of each others's lips. It was toxic, and terribly hot.

« Mmmmh? » She answered, still half asleep. His hand was brushing her hair, a simple gesture he knew would calm her down and soothe her. Katherine Beckett was slowly falling into unconsciousness, in her lovers's arms, feeling safe at last.

« You weren't in my dream, right? »

She mumbled, opening her tired eyes to his very and oh-too-serious face.

« Castle, what on earth are you talking about? »

« After the shooting. You came into my house. It wasn't a dream, wasn't it? »

Into the dark, she smiled slowly. She remembered that night as if it was only yesterday. And the woman found herself thinking of all the way they had walked to get here. In heaven. It hadn't been easy. It hasn't been harmless. But it was worth it, she thought, protecting with her right hand, the top of her belly. She was expecting her first child. Castle didn't know about it, yet. He sure would be thrilled to know that he was going to be a father, again.

She smiled, more widely.

She was happy. Just happy.

« Shut up, and kiss me. »

So, what did you guys think? Don't forget to let me know, and see you maybe, for another story soon :)