They slowly rolled up to her house. She looked at the small lit up clock in the car. It was 1:51 in the morning. She knew most of her family members would be asleep. Two of her sisters and her brother were all home from college for the summer. She turned to the guy driving the car, "Thanks for the ride home." She leaned over and gave him a deep kiss on the lips.

The guy gave a nod, "Can you make it to the door?"

Amelia laughed, "Maybe…if I take my heels off." She smiled at him, "See you guys next weekend?"

They nodded and she pushed the car door open and got out. She wobbled slightly as she got out of the car, her vision blurred and her balance questionable. Slipping her heels off, she leaned over and picked them up. She took a few more steps and heard the car behind her drive away.

Slowly, she made her way around the house to the back door. She thought that would make the least commotion, plus, it was the closest to the back stairs, which would lead directly to her room. If anyone was awake, she might be able to slip by unnoticed if they weren't in the kitchen or dining room.

She tip toed up the porch stairs as quietly as she could. Pulling her house key out of her purse, she carefully unlocked the back door. Peering in, she didn't see any lights on, which was a relief. She entered the house with a few creaks and shut the door, locking it behind her.

It was pitch black in the house, which made it extremely hard to navigate to the stairs she needed to get to. Trying to make her way blindly towards the stairs, she hit her knee hard on the table, causing her to double over in pain, but not before a cup that had been sitting on top of the table fell over, rolled and then fell to the floor with a loud clunk.

She told herself that no one had heard that and continued towards the stairs. She heard a noise and froze, listening. A few more thumps later, she realized someone was coming down the other set of stairs at the front of the house.

Frantically, she rushed towards the back stairs, arms out, feeling her way around.

She had just reached the bottom stair when she heard the footsteps reach the first floor and walk towards the kitchen, "Who's there?"

It was her mother.

She cursed in her head and started to make her way up the stairs, quickly and quietly, but only a few steps up, the lights turned on, burning her eyes. She stopped, eyes closed, and leaned against the wall, temporarily blinded.

"Amelia?"

Amelia stopped, "Crap." She whispered to herself.

"Amelia?" She asked again, expectantly.

Amelia slowly turned around to face her mother, who was standing in the middle of the kitchen, hands on her hips, obviously waiting for some kind of explanation. Disoriented, all she could come up with was, "I came down for a midnight snack."

Her mom raised her eyebrows, obviously surprised with that answer, "You're holding heels in your hand." She pointed out.

Amelia looked down and let out a nervous laugh, having completely forgotten that she'd been holding them, "Well, I guess that kind of invalidates that story, doesn't it?" She offered a small smile, "I could give you another lie if you'd like? How about…I was a study session that ran late? Or…my friend slipped and ended up in the hospital and I had to stay with him…or…"

"Why don't we just skip all of that to the part where you just tell me the truth?" She asked, taking a seat at one of the kitchen table chairs, "Come on down here."

Amelia cursed again. Gripping her heels, she concentrated as she made her way down the stairs, trying her best to walk steadily. Out of the corner of her eye, as she walked down, she saw her mom stand up from her chair.

When she got to the bottom, her mom was standing there waiting. She walked up to Amelia, arms crossed and sniffed, "Are you drunk?"

Amelia didn't reply.

Her mother reached out and grabbed Amelia's wrist firmly, pulling her over to the kitchen table and sitting her down in one of the chairs before sitting down across from her, "Where have you been?"

Amelia sighed, knowing that there was no point in lying anymore, "I was at a party and…there was drinking…" She avoided her mother's gaze.

Her mother sighed with disappointment, but didn't seem surprised, "How did you get home?"

"A friend drove me home. He was completely sober…if that's any consolation." Amelia tried, fidgeting slightly in her seat.

Her mom shook her head, "It isn't." She took in a deep breath, "You have four older siblings. I've seen my share of drunken disasters, irresponsible partying and trying to sneak into the house in the middle of the night, but for them it was just a phase." She told her, "You've been pulling crap like this for two years, Amelia. And you're only 17."

"Almost 18."

"Stop talking." Her mother countered, "I know things have been difficult lately and the house has been quiet without all of your siblings around, but that's no excuse to act out for attention."

Amelia let out a light laugh.

Her mother looked up, irritated, "Something funny?"

Amelia laughed again, leaning forward and hitting her hand on the table for effect, "Just the part where you think that I'm doing any of this for attention from you." She shook her head, "Trust me, the last thing I want is to have these kinds of conversations."

"Then what is it? You act out in school, you party on the weekends, you come home late, you come home drunk or high or with a random boy that I've never seen before…you're out of control!" She argued, "What could possibly be the reason for this kind of behavior?"

Amelia sighed and stood up, "I don't want to talk about this." She started going for the stairs again, hoping maybe her mom would just let her go.

"Amelia, sit down." Her mother stood up from her chair, "You better sit down right now or so help me God…" Her voice was heavy with irritation and controlled rage.

Amelia turned slowly on the heels of her feet, walked back over to the table and sat down, "Fine. You want to have this conversation? Let's have it." She paused, "You wanna know why I act out in school? How about because of the Shepherd reputation? I walk into a classroom and the teacher automatically expects a Nancy or a Lizzie or a Derek and then there's me and I'm not a Nancy or a Lizzie or a Derek, but they don't see that. So the only way for me to show them that I'm not just another freakin' Shepherd is to act out." She said, her voice raising, "Wanna know why I party on the weekends? Because every single day of my life I feel like I'm suffocating, like there's thousands and thousands of pounds of pressure to be great and smart and pretty on my shoulders that the only time I feel like I can...breathe is when I forget everything."

She stood up from her chair, putting both hands on the table, her voice practically at a yell now, "Wanna know why I'm out of control?!" Tears welled up in her eyes, "Because holding everything together, forcing down my feelings, saying the right thing…being perfect, it isn't possible for me!" She yelled, breathing heavily by the time she'd finished.

Her mother stared at her, looking like she was processing what her daughter had just said.

"Mom?"

It was Katie.

"Amelia, why are you yelling at mom?" She accused.

Amelia whipped around, tears running down her cheeks, ready to let loose on her sister, but before she could, her mother spoke.

"Kathleen, go upstairs." She said calmly, "Now."

Katie looked at Amelia apprehensively and then turned slowly, walking back up the stairs.

Amelia was breathing heavily, trying to calm herself down. Slowly, she turned around to face her mother again, who hadn't moved and was staring over at her coolly.

"Sit down, Amelia."

Amelia sunk back into her chair, wiping the tears from her face.

Her mother looked up at her, "When Nancy was 18, I got a call from the police. She and a group of her friends had been caught drinking behind their high school and vandalizing the bleachers of their football stadium. The only reason she didn't get arrested was because the paint they were using could be washed off so the police officers just made them wash it off." She paused, "Before we moved here, at Katie's old high school, she got caught her attempting to cheat on a standardized test with notes taped under desk. They threw out her score and made her re-take it. The only reason she didn't get expelled was because they caught her before they handed out the test."

Amelia raised her eyebrows.

"I don't remember how old Lizzie was, but you were just a baby and I caught her with a bong smoking under the front porch." Her mother shook her head with a small laugh, "And Derek and Mark both got in trouble for fighting at school. Derek broke his nose and Mark broke his hand accidentally punching a wall."

Amelia cracked a smile.

"The point I'm trying to make is…none of us are perfect." Her mom told her, reaching out and taking her hands, "God, most days I struggle to hold myself together. And sometimes I fail and that's okay…" She shook her head, "No one's asking you to be perfect or hold it together all the time. Your imperfections are what make you the intelligent, spontaneous and funny young lady that you are." She told her, squeezing her hands, "None of us other Shepherds have the guts to say the things you say. You're brave and fun and…you're perfect to me."

Amelia smiled at her, "Thanks, mom…" She stood up and walked around the table to embrace her.

"You smell like beer." Her mom whispered.

Amelia tried not to laugh because she knew it wasn't funny, but she let out a few chuckles anyway, "At least I wasn't drinking behind the high school…" She tried as she pulled away from the hug.

Her mom laughed, "You better not tell your siblings I told you any of that."

"Really? Come on…" Amelia protested, "I can't even tease Mark about the hand thing?" She smirked.

Her mom smiled, "Okay, fine…but just that one." She said, standing up, "Now, go on upstairs and get some sleep."

Amelia made her way towards the stairs slowly. If she hadn't been drunk, she probably wouldn't have asked, but she was curious, "You aren't going to punish me?" She asked, her foot on the first step.

Her mom smirked, "Not tonight. But tomorrow, when I wake you up at nine in the morning and make you do yard work with me…you're never gonna have a drink again." She said with a laugh as she turned the kitchen light off.

Amelia, smiling in the darkness, turned and made her way up the stairs to her room.

Amelia wasn't sure when she had started to wake up, but she was beginning to regain consciousness. She could feel her hands and feet. She wiggled her toes and fingers slightly just because she could.

"Amelia?" She heard.

It sounded like Meredith's voice.

She felt something in her throat, but she wasn't sure what it was. She couldn't swallow easily and she couldn't really move her tongue or mouth either. Slowly and apprehensively, she opened her eyes, bracing for the light.

It blinded for a few moments, but then the people surrounding her bed started to fade in. She saw Edwards and Derek on her left side and Meredith on her right. She tried to speak, but couldn't.

"Don't try to talk." Meredith told her, "You're intubated right now. There's been a machine helping you breathe because you've been pretty weak after your surgery. We just needed to wake you up to assess your neuro function." She nodded to Edwards.

"Follow the light, please." Edwards said quietly, shining the light in Amelia's eyes. She tried her best to follow it.

She's going too quickly, Amelia thought. I have to tell her to slow down after all this…or maybe she's nervous. Derek is probably watching her like a hawk.

"Can you squeeze my hands as hard as you can?" She felt Edwards' hands in hers and she squeezed, "Good."

Edwards tucked the light back into her pocket, "Alright, I'm just going to ask you a few questions, Amelia. Are you feeling any pain?" She paused, "Blink once for yes, twice for no."

Amelia blinked once.

God, the pain…I don't think one single blink shows how much it hurts… She thought, feeling the tenderness in her stomach and the pounding in her head.

Edwards nodded, "Okay." She reached backwards and pulled Derek forward.

Amelia blinked a few times, her eyes dry. She felt like the lights were too bright again, her eyes watered slightly.

"Do you remember who this is?"

Amelia blinked once.

Derek stepped forward, "The surgery went well, Amelia. You just need a few more days to recover before we can take you off the ventilator. It's helping you heal right now." He squeezed her hand, "We're all here for you."

Meredith nodded, "We're going to put you under again, okay? You won't feel any more pain." She told her.

Amelia gave a small nod and watched as a nurse put something into her IV. A few moments passed and then the outer edges of her vision started to blacken. She turned and looked over at her brother, who smiled down at her, the feeling of his hand in hers the last thing she felt before she blacked out again.

It was impossible for Amelia to know how long she was out. She didn't feel anything, she didn't dream, it was just blackness. Until she began hearing voices again. She heard people talking around her bed, but she couldn't make out who it was. As she woke, she began opening her eyes. Thankfully, the lights were dimmed, making it much easier for her eyes to adjust.

The first person she saw was Derek. Standing there, smiling just like he had the last time she'd been awake. She turned her head and saw Meredith and her sister, Nancy standing on the other side.

Amelia was hesitant to speak until she realized that the tube in her mouth was gone. She was breathing on her own and that meant she could talk. She looked over at her brother, "How many days?" She asked hoarsely.

Meredith reached over and picked up a cup of water, extending the straw to Amelia so that she could drink.

Derek nodded, "It's been a week and half, almost two weeks actually." He informed her gently.

Amelia was surprised by that, "Two weeks?" She raised her eyebrows, "It feels like I…blinked, but two weeks have gone by?" She asked, shocked. She couldn't believe that it had been so long.

Derek smiled a little bit, "Yes, well, it's been two weeks since we woke you up the first time. And that was three days after your surgery so, in total, it's been 16 days." He told her, "But aside from that, we do have some good news for you."

Meredith nodded, "Yes, turns out, it wasn't septic shock. It was a severe sepsis, but compared to the organ damage and even failure associated with septic shock, we were glad to find that most of your organs were functioning properly, your body was just ravaged by a nasty infection." She told her, "We still had to operate and remove an abcess in your abdomen, but it went smoothly and we were also able to replace the infected stitches on your stomach as well."

"But your body was weak. Your blood pressure was low and your heart was straining to pump blood to the organs so we decided to deeply sedate you so that your body could have time to heal with a ventilator breathing for you." Derek explained, "Meanwhile, we treated your infection with antibiotics. We've been monitoring your blood and in the past week, the numbers have been climbing back to normal. Your body and heart were stronger so we took you off the vent and lessened your sedation."

"And here we are." Meredith smiled down at her.

Amelia nodded slowly, "Wow." She shook her head, looking at Meredith, "Wow, thank you…" She said appreciatively, "You didn't kill me." She sounded surprised, looking down at her hands, "I feel strange…" She smiled.

"You are still on pain medication and you will be for a few more weeks as your body continues to heal." Meredith explained, "So that strange feeling…it's the drugs."

Amelia's smile faded, "Oh."

"We wanted to honor your wishes…" Meredith told her, "But we think the strain that kind of stress would put on your body would compromise the healing process…" She sighed, "I'm so sorry."

Amelia nodded slowly, "I understand." She said, "It's okay." She looked up at her sister, who was standing behind Meredith, "You're still here." She observed, surprised by that too.

Nancy nodded and chuckled lightly, "Yea, we're still here. Katie just went back to the hotel to get some sleep. We're staying in the extra rooms at Meredith's mother's house. We…we wanted to be here when you woke up."

"What about your vacation?"

Nancy shook her head, "Malibu will always be there." She winked, "Hey, maybe next time you can come with us." She suggested, eyebrows raised, "And you can bring your new boyfriend too…"

Amelia looked up, "He's not my…" She stopped herself and turned to Meredith, "How is he? How's Owen?" She asked.

Meredith smiled, "Practically driving himself crazy worrying about you." She answered, rolling her eyes, "He's in good shape. It's been a couple weeks and his internal injuries are healing pretty well. He's tied to his bed though because of the hip dislocation."

Nancy joined in, "Katie and I went to see him a few days ago." She smiled, "He seems like quite a catch, Amy. You've picked yourself a good one. He told us all about his time in the army and his drive to save lives…" She shook her head, "But he is a red-head…"

"Nancy!" Derek scolded.

Nancy laughed, "I'm joking." She paused, "He's very attractive...big hands…" She looked at Amelia suggestively, who let out a light laugh.

Derek shifted uncomfortably, "Anyway…" He segwayed casually, "We have something else we need to tell you…" He trailed off, glancing at Nancy and Meredith nervously, looking like he hoped one of them would pick it up from there.

Nancy shook her head and gestured towards him, mouthing 'Go for it' silently.

Derek sighed, "When you were out, Nancy, Katie and I called Mom and well, she was more than concerned so she decided to fly out here." Before Amelia could ask any question, he held up a hand to silence her, and continued, "And when Lizzie heard that everyone was here, she flew out too."

Amelia shook her head, "So what you're telling me is that everyone is here? Literally all of our siblings are in this hospital."

"Well, not Katie, she went home to get some sleep." Nancy corrected, "But yes, Lizzie and Mom are both here. Dr. Webber volunteered to give them a quick tour around the hospital two hours ago. I guess it wasn't very quick…" She smirked.

Amelia nodded slowly, "They've met Owen too…haven't they?" She asked hesitantly, though she predicted the answer.

Nancy nodded, "Yes. They met him the other day. He was very polite to Mom and she loved him, said he was very sweet. In fact, I think she may have been the one who mentioned the hand thing…" She told her.

Amelia put a hand over her mouth, watching as Derek's face reddened and Meredith laughed lightly, "Wow, okay then. Everyone has met my…not boyfriend already. I guess that's a good thing?" She said questioningly.

Nancy gave a small shrug.

Behind her, Amelia saw a few people approach the nurse's station. One of them was Dr. Webber, "Looks like they're back from their tour…" She commented as the figures turned around. One of them was her mother, grey-haired and smiling brightly and the other was her sister, Lizzie. Her hair was short and straight now, Amelia observed and she looked like she'd lost some weight. The door to her room opened and the two of them entered.

Her mother pushed past Derek, going right up to Amelia and taking her hand, "You're awake." She observed, tears in her eyes, "You're awake, oh my sweet girl, I was so worried…" She leaned over and hugged Amelia.

Amelia wrapped her arms around her mother, struggling to remember the last time they'd embraced like this, "I can't believe you all came, all of you…" She looked over at Lizzie in disbelief.

"We wanted to come when we heard what had happened." Lizzie said with a smile, moving slowly past Meredith and Nancy to get closer, "I haven't seen you in a long time. God, I guess that's what happens when we live a whole country away, huh?" She hugged her quickly in greeting.

Amelia smiled. "You know, you guys didn't have to come all this way."

"Of course we did." Her mom refuted, "You were in an accident and went through something traumatic. We want to be here for you…" She said, "We heard about what happened…" She glanced at Lizzie apprehensively, "We heard about your baby and…Amelia, we're so sorry…"

Amelia's smiled faded instantly. She dropped her gaze to the bottom of her bed, hanging on her mother's words.

The baby.

She'd forgotten about the baby. With all the chaos and the surgery, for the few minutes she'd been awake, she'd forgotten about the baby.

It all flooded back so suddenly.

Arizona performing an ultrasound and then telling her that she'd lost her child. Derek holding her as she mourned the loss of her second child. The pain she'd felt in her abdomen after the surgery, knowing that her baby was gone again.

Another child, an innocent child who never got a chance to think or dream or live was gone. Another sweet little baby that she would never get to raise or love.

And she'd forgotten.

How could she forget about the heartbreak and gut-wrenching pain she'd felt when she realized her baby was gone? How could she forget that her child, the one she was supposed to protect, had died? How could she forget that she would miss out on motherhood again?

She didn't even realize she'd started crying.

She barely heard the people in her room trying to get her attention. Faintly, she heard people gently saying her name, trying to comfort her, but louder she heard other voices.

I'm…I'm afraid your baby is anencephalic. He has no frontal lobe…I'm so sorry.

Amelia, I mean there are no words to describe how awful and unfair this is to you.

If you want to just hold your boy for as long as he has, we'll do that.

Everything flashed before her eyes again. She remembered everything she'd felt and said.

I was a recovering addict carrying the brainless baby of her boyfriend who overdosed, so don't even for a second suggest that I can't compartmentalize. It's the only way I survive.

If I were high, I would be able to breathe, to forget. I'm not high. An orgasm would help me…it would help me for a minute. I need a minute. If I am gonna keep carrying this baby and give birth to him, I need an escape. I need a minute to forget.

It's stupid and it's weak, but I can't help it, and if I start crying…I want to be strong. I want to be strong and I want to get through this and I don't want to feel too much.

A baby without a frontal lobe can't cry. I saw one once when I was an intern. They make this kind of squeaking noise…brainless babies squeak. I mean, it's the only way you can describe the noise they make, but I mean, you'd think that it would be awful, but actually, it's kinda…life will out, you know?

You're gonna say it's because, technically, a child with a working brain stem can't be declared brain dead even though he'll never walk or talk or move or eat, even though he's missing the parts of his brain that he needs to have a life. Not just be alive, but have a life…to love, to think, to know words and feelings, to be conscious.

She remembered giving birth to him and holding the tiny little baby in her arms, knowing that he had no frontal lobe, knowing that he would never live a normal life with her and hearing him make the squeaking noise that she would never, ever forget.

She remembered leaning down to him.

Your father's waiting for you. His name is Ryan, and he's waiting for you…so you won't be lonely.

She remembered everything from the first time. Every single heart-wrenching, nauseating moment that would be etched into her memory forever. And these experiences, this accident, it would never leave her either.

She'd always believed in something, maybe a God, maybe some other benevolent force…something bigger than all of them. But being a neurosurgeon, giving birth to a brainless and then losing a baby she didn't even know existed…how could a God be so cruel? Other people got pregnant on their first try, started families, met the love of their life easily and got to get married, but it seemed like Amelia's life veered off course any time she got close to a happy ending.

Why did this happen to her?

Why did it happen to anyone?

"Amelia." Someone touched her.

She turned quickly to her right, locking eyes with her sister, Lizzie, who had just grabbed her shoulder, "Are you alright?" She asked and everyone in her room looked concerned.

Amelia felt tears running down her face and looked down at her hands, which were clenched in fists. Slowly, she relaxed them and feeling a slight sting, she turned her palms over to reveal that they were bleeding slightly. It was nothing serious. It looked like she'd dug her nails into her palms while her fists were clenched.

"Amelia, are you okay?" Someone else asked.

But Amelia couldn't find words. She couldn't form a sentence, she couldn't calmly convey her grief or explain what she was feeling. Instead, she buried her head in her hands and finally let herself sob. She felt her body shaking and knew that the blood from her hands was probably getting on her face, but she didn't care.

"Okay, everybody out." Meredith's voice said forcefully, "Derek, you too. Get out, all of you."

"I'm a psychiatrist. I might be able to help…" Lizzie offered.

But Meredith didn't consider it, "No, please, everyone out now." She forced.

Amelia heard the door to her room open and close and then she heard Meredith pull the curtains closed to block anyone from being able to see her through the clear door.

Amelia continued sobbing, trying to breathe and calm herself down.

After a few moments, Meredith finally spoke, "Amelia, let me see your hands."

Amelia didn't move her hands. She'd calmed considerably by then, her sobs not as violent as before. The tears were silent now, but she didn't want to face the light or face Meredith.

"Amelia, please." She tried.

Amelia sniffed and then slowly, pulled her hands away from her face, extending them towards Meredith. She could tell there was blood on her face from the look that Meredith had on her face when Amelia pulled her hands away.

Meredith cleaned the wounds carefully as Amelia silently continued crying. Neither of them spoke, just sat in silence together. She had to clean the small cuts slowly because Amelia's hands were shaking, making it difficult to maneuver.

By the time Meredith was actually wrapping her hands, Amelia was only blinking a few stray tears from her eyes and the shaking had improved. When Meredith finished and then reached up and cleaned the blood off of her face, Amelia mumbled a quiet thank you.

Meredith nodded and sat down in the chair by Amelia's bed silently for a few moments before finally speaking, "Derek and I really wanted babies right after we got married. And I did get pregnant once right when we started trying and…the day I found out, I was working, but I was still ecstatic. I wanted to tell Derek, but then…a shooter opened fire in the hospital." She said, trying to control her emotion, "He shot Derek and Cristina had to operate on him and…while she was saving him the shooter came in and tried to get her to stop. So…I went in and, desperate to save Derek, begged the shooter to kill me instead."

Amelia stared at her. Her brother had never told her the whole story before.

Meredith nodded and continued, "The man wanted Derek to die. He wanted Cristina to stop operating…so she did. And Derek died. He flat-lined for a long time and the shooter was satisfied and left. Meanwhile, I was devastated on the floor crying incessantly. After he left, I came to find out that Cristina and Jackson had just unplugged Derek's wires temporarily and when they re-attached him, he was still alive. But the stress had already been too much." She said, "I had a miscarriage a few minutes later."

"I'm so sorry…" Amelia said quietly.

Meredith shook her head, "Don't be sorry for me. Just know that I know what you're feeling and you aren't alone. If you ever want to talk to someone who knows what it's like…I'm around, okay?" She told her as she stood up and turned to leave, picking up some case files on her way out.

"Wait, Meredith." Amelia said when Meredith got to the doorway, "Will you sit with me? I…don't want to be alone."

Meredith nodded and re-entered the room, taking her seat at Amelia's bedside, "I was just reading through some of these case files about 3D printed veins and organs…" She told her.

Amelia smiled a little bit, "Oh, fill me in. I don't want to lose my touch."

Meredith smirked and started flipping through the files, "You know what? I think there's a neuro case in here somewhere." She looked up at Amelia with a smile when she found it and pulled it out, "Here it is…43 year old male suffering from severe seizures…check out these scans…" She held them out to Amelia.