Chapter 9

*36 weeks*

Fuck! I can't move an inch with this mountain everyone else calls a stomach. Damn the father and his 6 ft 7 genes! I feel that these babies are stretching me in every direction. Any move I make hurts. The baby expert says it's because it's cramped inside me, and the babies are very active. She's right. They both kick like crazy. I'm good with pain, but this pain is coming from my insides. I picture the twins laughing inside me while they squish my intestines and jump on my bladder. I know it sounds crazy, but it sure feels like that's what they're doing.

I had to lay off any sugary or caffeinated food because every time I ate chocolate or drank caffeine it seemed that the torture would never end! Leaving sugar has been the greatest sacrifice of all. I can handle the swelling and the going to pee every two minutes. I can even handle that my boobs are twice their normal size and tender. But laying off caffeine and sugar is just plain cruel. I'm going into withdrawal with mood swings and projecting onto anyone near me. I'm not pleasurable company these days. Everyone seems to run the other way when I'm near.

"Going to the restroom again, Rose?"

"Yes," I said while trying to get up from my seat. I was sitting in Abe's home theater currently struggling to lift myself up. Adrian and I decided to watch a movie about the vampire who fell in love with the human girl but couldn't be together with her because he wanted her blood too. Adrian and I love to critique vampire movies. It's one of our things.

"At the rate you're going, you might want to roll to the floor instead of walking."

"Shut it, Ivashkov! You know I would whoop your ass right now if I could."

"Yes, I know. But thank God you can't move as fast as you used to."

"I might not be fast in walking, but my aim hasn't changed," I gloated, throwing the pillow I had for back support straight into his annoying face. He just laughed, not caring I was getting annoyed with him.

"Don't relax too much, Adrian. Remember this pregnancy can't last forever."

Adrian and my mother had both jumped on board the 'helping Rose in her miracle pregnancy' train. They worked together to plan how they would explain their disappearance for weeks at a time back at court. They said that they needed to keep an eye on things there. Adrian got information about Lissa, while Janine got news about my other friends. Who knew, right? Adrian and Janine working together and getting along civilly. Both would leave for court for a for a week or two, then return for a week or so. Adrian had been trying to convince Lissa to stop the search party for me however she won't give up. Even though she thought I was dead. Surprisingly it was Dimitri reassuring her I was still alive.

I've been doing so much better blocking her and getting rid of her darkness through meditation. I love the peacefulness I feel when I meditate. It's something we must all enjoy because the twins lie completely still when I do it. Oskana, Mark and Yeva have been excellent help getting me get through this pregnancy. I've needed assistance, because thanks to no sugar my moods have been out of this world, lately. I can barely walk without getting tired, and I can't see my feet anymore. I actually wobble. I asked my OB if I could try for a vaginal birth, but she said most women with twins end up with a C-section due to the stress of labor on Mom and the babies.

Adrian and Oskana did an experiment with the twins. They tried to see if they could see the twins' auras. To my surprise, they could. The two spirit users said that their auras are a shade of pink and that it turns darker when I talk. It seems they love hearing my voice.

"Little dhampir?"

"I'm coming out, Adrian. Can't a girl do her business peacefully?"

"I was just making sure you were still alive. You take so long."

"I'm alive, Adrian. I just went to the restroom for God's sake and you know this is a challenge. You worry too much." I said through the door while trying to pick up my pants. Thank God for whoever invented pregnancy pants.

"So how were Lissa and the others the last time you went?" I asked while washing my hands and drying them.

"They're ok. My dear auntie is keeping Lissa busy. She's getting ready to go to Lehigh. She doesn't want to go without you, but my aunt can be very persuasive. Eddie is with her all the time, he doesn't say anything, but I know he worries especially when Lissa gets her depressed and has mood swings. Di.."

"I don't want to know anything about him," I said, quickly cutting Adrian off.

"Christian and his aunt are talking about a more affordable college, but he hasn't decided yet," Adrian continued as though he'd not been about to mention her Russian God.

"When is she going?"

"Term starts in a couple of weeks. She has an apartment and all."

"Who is going as her guardians?"

"I believe Eddie is going as well as you know who."

"No female is guardian going to be her near guard?"

"I'm sure she will have one, but she doesn't want anyone but you."

"Oh, Lissa. She's always been a stubborn one."

"Just like someone else I know," he said, giving me a knowing look.

"When do you leave?"

"In the morning. I'll only be gone for a week this time. You're getting close to your due date, and I won't hear the end of it if I miss the troublemakers' birth."

"I know! I can barely walk and everything hurts. This is brutal. Whoever said pregnancy was fun clearly hasn't been pregnant!"

"Come on big baby. Time to take you for a roll. I mean a walk. The doctor wants you to walk."

"Enough with the fat comments, jerk!"

I followed Adrian from the hallway restroom out to the garden. I liked walking Abe's grounds. The scenery is beautiful, even for an arctic wasteland. I had a brief memory of when I was talking with Dimitri about how I imagined Siberia. It seems ages ago, now.

"So have you given any thought about what I told you?" Adrian asked.

"About what?" I made it seem like I didn't know what he was talking about.

"You know what I'm talking about. Don't play dumb with me, little dhampir."

Busted.

I kept walking. We were already pretty far from the mansion. Not very smart, but I know Abe had a guardian or two flanking us. I argued with him about having guardians following me, because come on, guardians protecting another guardian is just crazy. But it was a no-win for me. Abe was relentless about my protection. Add Janine and the others, and it was a lost cause. I didn't mind it when Adrian was around. I wouldn't be able to protect him like I was trained to.

"Adrian you know I c-ca.."

Adrian stopped and walked in front of me, extending his arms.

"Wait. Before you say all the reasons you can't, I want you to know that everyone is getting desperate. You've been gone for almost a year! Rose, they think you're dead because you haven't contacted them. You know how hard is for me and your Mom to keep up the pretense. Do you know how hard it is for me to fake a distraught emotion in front of our friends every time they come up with another dead end? They are starting to wonder about my disappearances, too. Don't you want to see them? Share this wonderful gift with your friends that love you? I know you feel Lissa's darkness. You haven't been taking her darkness like you used to, and it's consuming her. The craziness is making her think that you are dead."

"You know I can't pull too much darkness from her. It's not good for the pregnancy right know. Every time I pull any, the twins react to it. The meditation can only help if I truly concentrate. And even if I do take some, I can't pull all of it - especially now that she's using spirit like crazy."

"That's why I'm telling you. It's time to go back. Don't you think you've had enough time away? What about Dimitri, Rose? Don't you think he has the right to know about his children? He already missed all your pregnancy. Are you willing to make him miss the birth of the twins too? Are you even planning on ever telling him about them?"

At the mention of his name I flinched. It still hurts after all this time. I avoided any mention of his name. I know it's childish. You might think a name can't possibly hurt you. Well, let me tell you, it does. The mention of his name. A smell that reminds me of him. A freaking duster that looks like the one he wears. Even a dark ponytail reminds me of him. When he comes to my mind, the pain still comes to my heart. I physically feel the hurt. It's like pressure surrounding my heart that doesn't let it beat. The only way I can describe it is as though air was being pressed against my heart, rendering it unable to pump like it should.

"If I had a child with some one, I would want to know. I am not a fan of Belikov, but at least give him a chance. He has to decide if he wants to be part of the twins' lives." Adrian sighed theatrically. "I can't believe I'm actually advocating on behalf of this guy."

Adrian fighting on behalf of Dimitri was unheard of.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because I know you better than you know yourself right now. I know that you miss your friends and the only reason you are still here after all this time is because of the twins. You like that Yeva, Abe, Janine, Oskana and Mark are helping you, but I know you want Lissa and the others to know as well."

"What if they don't take me back? What if they don't believe me? What if they don't accept the boys?"

Adrian had a sceptical look.

"Rose, are you talking about your friends or Dimitri?"

"O-Of course I'm talking about my friends!"

"Your aura is telling me something different," he accused.

I gave up and looked up at sky. The sun was setting, rendering the sky full of beautiful multi-colors. Dark orange, light orange, even some blue. Stars were starting to show up, making the sunset even more stunning. It was truly beautiful. While still looking up, I told Adrian what was eating me up.

"I'm afraid Adrian. Yes, I know. Unbelievable, right? I'm afraid what they will think of me. I'm afraid of his rejection. Being here away from everything and everyone has been a blessed refuge, and I don't want to leave."

I know I sounded pathetic, but I spoke from the heart. I hated feeling like this. This pregnancy had crossed my wires, and now I had all these insecurities in me. Any existence of the old Rose lived only in memory because in real life a new vulnerable and insecure Rose took position.

Adrian moved closer to me and hugged me tight. I reciprocated the hug.

"Little dhampir, when will you learn that we all love you? We all love the strong, loyal, courageous, 'I don't give a fuck' and 'I'll do anything in this world to achieve my goal' Rose. And we will damn well love the new Rose, too. You are not weak. You have embraced what has been thrown at you and you have succeeded. The old and immature Rose would never accept help. God forbid if it were even offered. On the other hand, the new Rose understood her limitations and got help. She knew she couldn't do it by herself. Accepting help doesn't make you vulnerable, needy or weak. It makes you a mature adult. I know you're afraid, but I'm here to tell you that you don't have to be because we love you above everything else."

"Then answer me this Adrian. What will happen with everyone else? The people that don't know about me and how spirit has been involved in my pregnancy? Everyone will think the twins are yours. That was the first thing my Mom thought when she saw I was pregnant. I'm not strong enough to withstand that ridicule anymore. I don't want my sons to be in the same spotlight I've been in."

"Rose, I don't need to be fortune teller to know that these boys that you and Dimitri have created will have the same strong personal characteristics as their parents. Dimitri is living over his guilt from his time as a strigoi. I can't say what goes on in his mind, but his aura shows sadness, guilt, frustration and anger. When he looks at photos of you those feelings intensify tenfold. Those emotions are so wrapped up in him that he can't see or acknowledge anything else. I swear I can't believe I'm saying this, but give him a chance. You never know - this news might be the thing that will set him straight. Lissa and everyone who knows you miss you, Rose. Don't hide yourself or the twins. Let us be part of your life and theirs."

I hadn't realized I was crying until Adrian wiped away the tears. I understood what Adrian was saying. He's also not the only one suggesting I make my pregnancy public. Yeva has hinted here and there that it would be nice if her family could get to know Dimitri's sons. I know they have some right. They already missed my pregnancy, how much more would they have to miss because of my insecurities? It's unfair to them. They've been nothing but loving towards me.

My mother has also put in her two cents, but she understands that it's my decision and won't force me into anything. Abe is willing to be supportive either way. He once said that if I want to live here forever that he doesn't care. "It's all yours Kizim anyways," he'd said.

Fear of rejection is a powerful emotion that will eat at you slowly until there is nothing but a shell of the person you used to be. I'm paying for all those times I laughed at people who were afraid of things. I would make fun of them and think that I would never be afraid. 'Fear is for the weak-minded'. That's what I thought. And look at me now. Karma is a bitch.

"Ok, Adrian. I'll tell them."

"What about Dimitri?"

"I guess. I mean I know he has the right as the father of the twins to see them, so I won't take that away from him."

Adrian couldn't have had a bigger smile. He showed me all his teeth and fangs joyfully. I didn't need any damned aura to see the genuine happiness Adrian felt. Talking at the speed of light, Adrian already had some ideas on how to reveal my news, but I couldn't concentrate on anything he was saying.

I was too busy hoping I hadn't made a mistake.

A big THANKS to Swimming the same Deep Waters!