Summary: Based on an AU prompt list I saw on tumblr ages ago. You're always the waiter/bartender at the restaurant I bring my dates to. You've started leaving your own personal ranking of each date in the checkbook and I don't know if I'm annoyed or amused. Also beware of a quick mention of unwanted sexual advances, for the most part corresponding to events on the show.
There's a crash at a table in Robin's section, a shattered wine glass and its red contents on the hardwood floor, and it's his job to deal with it. He's seen the woman before, always with a different man, some of whom Robin recognizes as some of Portland's most prominent. She's beautiful in a way he's so rarely found women after Marian, with her dark hair, form fitting dresses, and something unquantifiable that turns more than just his head. She puts on fake smiles for her dates, but otherwise wears a scowl so he's more than used to seeing her unhappy but this is far beyond what he's seen before. Right now she's unabashedly glaring at her companion.
He certainly knows Keith Nottingham, corrupt police chief and the woman's date for the evening. In his opinion, the glare is likely more than warranted. The two stare at each other, tensely and with contempt, and Robin worries a screaming argument is forthcoming. But eventually Nottingham backs down, storming out in a rage rather than risking his image by airing out his anger at this woman in a fight. It's then that Robin approaches the table.
"Are you alright? Is there anything I can do for you?" he asks genuinely, because even though she barely treats (or tips) him like a human being and probably wouldn't recognize him despite the amount of times he's been her waiter, Robin will never forgive or forget the hell Nottingham put Marian through. And that if not for lax stalking laws, he wouldn't have the chance to be here causing another woman distress.
"I'm fine," she snaps at him a little too loudly, focused more on the red stain on her dress than the person talking to her.
Robin takes a deep breath, resisting the urge to snap back at her and reminding himself that he's not the one she's really angry at. He'd be equally unpleasant after a confrontation with Nottingham, probably more in her shoes given Nottingham's track record with women. A few more deep breaths tamp down his irritation enough to be sympathetic and professional.
"Are you sure? I-"
"I didn't ask for your help, so why don't you find something useful to do before they find another idiot with half a brain to do your job instead," she interrupts.
Typical. It's the treatment he usually receives from the rich, entitled patrons of Portland's most upscale restaurant every day. He's not sure why he thought a pretty face would make her any better. Even as he has the thought, he knows it's unfair but it's been a trying enough night with Will out sick and the man a few tables down who has sent back every dish so far, and Robin's patience is two hours past worn down. This time he can't help letting his temper get the best of him and grumbling back.
"A simple thank you would suffice."
They stare at each other for a while, her lips pursed, his arms crossed, both of their gazes hard. Words fly through his mind, the temptation to unload on her for all of the stresses of his job. But ultimately he doesn't have the stomach for resentment and harsh words for a stranger, who's probably had a taxing dinner with Keith Nottingham, someone far more deserving of resentment and harsh words. So with a sheepish shrug of his shoulders, he musters all the empathy he can bear and speaks.
"I shouldn't have said that and I'm sorry." She give the barest nod but doesn't say anything else. "At least let me help you with that stain. If it dries, it'll be much more difficult to get out," he says in resignation after a few minutes of silence.
It seems to placate her as intended and with an exaggerated roll of her eyes and a mumbled fine, she follows him to the kitchen. There's an extra chair in a fairly empty corner of the room and he motions for her to sit. It doesn't take him long to find a towel. He instructs her to lightly dab the stain on her abdomen while he rummages around for the bottle of club soda.
After a quick apology for the cold, he begins to slowly pour the liquid. She tenses a little at the first splash and the unpleasant look on her face only intensifies, but she doesn't complain. In fact she doesn't say anything but Robin can practically feel the rage wafting off of her.
"If you want to talk about what happened back there, well you need to leave the dress alone for a few minutes and I can't leave you back here alone."
He goes for casual, non-pressuring, and finishes off with a small smile. She doesn't return it, but does begin to speak.
"He wanted me to come home with him. I said no, but apparently," she rolls her eyes at that last word, "my dress was saying otherwise. He got fresh under the table and I slammed his hand up into it to clarify my refusal," she responds with detachment in her voice and contradicting fury and frustration written all over her face.
His general disgust and indignation must be written all over his face because before he can open his mouth to speak she's giving him an exasperated look and speaking again.
"Oh don't give me that look, I'm used to it."
He hates the nonchalance her voice but he can tell she wants this line of conversation to end so he doesn't push.
"Well point me to him and I'd be happy to have more than a conversation," he says with enough humor in his voice to draw a small smile out of the woman but not enough to conceal his genuine hostility. He always wants to punch Nottingham in the face, but right now Robin would relish it even more. But he pulls his temper back because there's something far more important he needs to say to her. "And for the record I really am sorry for being so short with you earlier."
She opens her mouth and for a moment he thinks she might apologize. She doesn't, just closes her mouth again but the remorse in her eyes is good enough for Robin.
They're both quiet after that. Anger is finally absent in her eyes, but it's been replaced with a slight discomfort. Her hands are fidgeting, brushing hair behind her ear then down at her sides and back again. Robin's are no idler as he busies himself clearing away the towel and club soda, trying to come up a way to break the tension and awkward silence.
He clears his throat.
"Unfortunately I can't salvage your night, but I think your dress I going to be okay. Even if it meant subjecting you to more of my presence," he says, breaking the tension.
She returns his sheepish half-smile with one of her own.
"Well I guess you aren't so bad," she answers with a smirk.
"Well Keith Nottingham is basically a zero out of ten so in comparison I guess I'm not," he teases back. She smiles at him brightly, and she truly has the most radiant smile. Despite the fact the he barely knows this woman Robin thinks he might just do whatever it takes to have that smile on her face as much as possible.
"Maybe I'll see you next time," she says with a hint of something that Robin might call flirtation if he didn't think such a thing too ridiculously hopeful under the circumstances.
He can't keep his eyes off of her as she walks away.
James Spencer is a mediocre lawyer whose last great achievements were as a high school football player. And she knows this so certainly because he has replayed them for her ad nauseum. On any other night he'd probably be found at a strip club, a fact he bafflingly decides to share with her. And it's only ten minutes in.
But he's the son of Albert Spencer, Fortune 500 CEO and one of the richest men in the state of Maine. She's bored already, pretending to focus and smile and listen to this self-indulgent man talk. Her eyes dart around until they finally catch his. Regina looks away quickly, a slight blush on her cheeks.
She had been angry and worried what Cora would say after her scuffle with Nottingham, a fear that quickly proved well founded. Only an hour after she got home her mother was calling to berate her: how dare you make a scene and embarrass me Regina? and if you hadn't broken off your engagement to Leo, then you wouldn't have to be going on these dates in the first place when she tried to defend herself.
What she hadn't expected after taking her feelings out on an unsuspecting waiter was for him to call her out and then help her anyway. She still doesn't know if she's annoyed or impressed. But she does know she was wrong, and that's not something she likes to admit. But her unease about seeing him again, it's more than just her pride. She couldn't get his kindness out her mind (pathetic, says Cora's voice in her head for being so hung up on a man simply being nice to her), especially since she'd been so unkind. And well, he certainly isn't bad to look at, which only exacerbates the problem. But Regina Mills is no coward, or so she likes to think, so she tries to act like nothing ever happened when he comes by to take their order.
She succeeds until dinner ends and she's looking forward to getting the check and leaving without this asshole. But when she receives it there's a small scrap of paper inside.
I'd give him a 2/10. You looked like you'd rather be anywhere but here. And he tried to order for you.
- Robin
He's watching her, she can feel it, so she rolls her eyes. But she's also fighting back a grin, the review of her date spot on without knowing the half of it. Even Regina can't tell if she's annoyed or amused. She doesn't acknowledge the note when he returns to collect her check, but if she tips a little extra, well she's in a generous mood.
Two weeks later, the woman is back again, this time accompanied by a man with bleached blond hair. He practically feels her presence as soon as she walked in. It takes great restraint to keep his jaw from dropping when she passes him by in her velvet backless dress. More enamoring is the smirk she throws him over her shoulder, the evil glint in her eyes revealing that no matter how hard Robin is trying to control himself, she knows exactly the effect she's having. And really how could a woman so gorgeous not?
It takes a slap to the back of the head from Will to break her spell over him. If not for his job, Robin could probably have stayed lost in her all night, making it all the more baffling that her date cannot stop ogling every woman who walks by. He spends the next hour in a state of annoyance, his mind protesting that he would never behave in such a way if she was his date. But then Robin reminds himself that he doesn't even know the woman's name, that this is just a one-sided attraction so it's not like he has the right to such thoughts in the first place.
When he gives the woman her check, Robin can't resist leaving another note for her. He saw hint of a amusement last time, and he's hoping to remedy the fact that she hasn't smiled all night.
Anyone who could spend a date with a woman as stunning you looking at anyone else isn't worth your time.
4/10 at best.
- Robin
P.S. What's with that hair? he jots down and slips it in with the bill. It's not a full blown grin when she reads his note, but her small smile is enough.
Robin gets caught up in another table, a frightening woman with black and white hair who is demanding gin while her date just rolls her eyes. Eventually it escalates from Robin attempting to calmly explain that no, ordering the most expensive item on the menu does not entitle her to smoke in here to a full blown screaming fight with her girlfriend that only ends when Ruby threatens to call the police. By the time Robin makes it back to the woman's table, she is long gone and he's exhausted. On the table lays his note with a new, neater handwriting on the back.
Don't think I didn't see him asking the waitress with the red streaks for her number too. Just another arrogant doctor who talked about himself all night. Four is too generous.
- Regina
And yes that hair is ridiculous. I've seen teenagers with better style judgement.
Regina he mutters to himself. It suits her, with her poise, that haughtiness, and the steely strength hiding in her eyes. Another little piece of her he files away with all the others he's been unconsciously cataloguing.
"You're fucked mate," Will says, sliding next to him with a knowing look and Robin doesn't even bother to deny it.
Regina has hated going on dates ever since Cora set her up with Leo Blanchard on a Friday night after her biology lab sophomore year of college. Now that she's single again, but unacceptably older according to her mother, dating has only gotten worse. Every man Cora finds that will bring Regina and by extension Cora more wealth and social prestige is worse than the last and never yields a second date.
But over the past month Regina's started to look forward to what have now become weekly setups. Instead of stalling and avoiding telling Cora that each date didn't work out, she is more frank with her mother than she's been in years, even if she's still accepting more dates. And at some point between sneaking glances at him when she's sure he and her companions aren't looking and refusing to go out on Sunday nights after realizing Robin doesn't work them, Regina has to accept that she just wants an excuse to see him.
Of course she could just be an adult about the whole thing and simply go talk to him. But she can't stand to admit to herself why his rating of her dates were the best part of her evenings, or why she came back to the dresses that really kept his eyes on her. Instead Regina reminds herself that he probably does this to every woman on a bad date in hopes of getting laid or that he's just being friendly because he feels bad for her so either way she shouldn't feel special. She's waiting for the day it will stick.
When he gives an extra point to an arrogant tech prodigy for his Star Wars checks, she only hesitates for a moment before deducting the point and writing about how much Daniel loved those movies. And once she's started she can't leave out how she'd tried to watch them after his death, but still found them totally unwatchable. When he asks why she's going on dates with such undeserving idiots (and her heart can't help but flutter when she reads that), there's no way to avoid what definitely qualifies as too much information about her dysfunctional relationship with Cora. And when Robin questions the age of a hedge fund manager around Leo's age, she doesn't at all hesitate to agree with his concerns and cite the many problems with her former fiancé. And somehow she manages to open up more to this stranger through scribbled notes than any man she's spent dinner with the past few months.
But from the first moment he really looked at her, Regina should have known she was screwed.
Regina is well aware of her beauty, works hard at it for the most part. It's become a weapon, one she has no qualms using to get what she wants. It's what Mother had always taught her. She's so used to men looking at her, desiring her, that she's almost numb to it. There's no satisfaction or repulsion to it, just fact. But when Robin looks at her, god, her heart rate spikes and she feels butterflies like a sixteen year old. He bites his lips when he does it, and Regina suspects he doesn't even realize but she does and it brings out an unexpected intensity of want in her. It's been so long since she's wanted to be desired and even longer since that desire has affected her.
And she can't exactly let that thought continue because she's supposed to be pretending to be interested listening to an investment banker, or tech billionaire, or whatever loser is sitting on top of their family's old money talk about their huge houses and expensive cars and various accomplishments and all Regina can ever think is overcompensating. Or at least that's what she's thinking right now about the cockiest man she's ever met who's sitting across from her now and rapidly oscillating between spitting out innuendos and talking about his (apparently?) very impressive boat. She smiles, reminding herself to write that one down for Robin. She can feel his eyes on her right now, and out of the corner of her eye Regina can see him shooting her occasional glances.
"Regina," her date says insistently, breaking her out of her thoughts. He doesn't look angry, but that doesn't mean he won't say something to Cora, so she schools her features into her best fake apologetic face.
"I'm sorry?"
"I just asked if you wanted dessert love. Although I'm starting to get the feeling you don't even want to be here."
His voice trails off, clearly expecting her to jump in and contradict him.
He's an attractive man, dark-haired and blue-eyed, with the kind of ego men who have no trouble getting women into bed possess. It probably would have worked on her too, except that all Regina thinks about when she looks at him is the man she'd rather be with.
"Of course I do," she answers with her best effort, a moment too late to be convincing.
He gives her an incredulous look. To Regina's surprise, the corners of his mouth begin to tick up.
"You and the waiter keep flirting," he replies, leaning in close and raising an eyebrow in challenge.
She starts to protest indignantly but she hardly gets out the we are not before realizing the absolute lie of her words and mumbling out an apology.
"Don't worry about it. If it makes you feel any better love, you're really not my type and there is also someone I'd much rather be with right now." There's something serious in his gaze and reverent in his voice for a moment, gone as soon as it comes, but it's obvious that underneath the bravado he does really care about this person. "My father pushed and I'm only here to appease him," he finishes, scratching behind his ear with something close to vulnerability written on his face.
"My mother keeps setting me up, and I don't know how to refuse her and well..."
It all spills out too fast for Regina to stop herself: the night they first spoke and the notes, how much she looks forward to seeing Robin and the absurd number of dates she's been on since.
"I mean this is probably just what he does to get laid," she finishes, making an attempt at nonchalance but even to her own ears sounding insecure and a little hurt.
"I don't know love, that seems like quite a bit of work. And honestly he seems pretty focused on you," he says, jerking his head to the side.
She turns to where he's motioned and there's Robin, taking the order of a bickering couple a few tables over, his attention is clearly on her as the two argue. He smiles when they lock eyes and she can't help the blush that heats up her face.
"We don't even know each other," she protests weakly, tearing her eyes away from Robin. That smug smile is back on Killian's face as she makes the excuse so clearly neither of them believe what she's saying.
"And you never will if you keep sitting here like a coward, hoping for something to happen. My brother always said that if you don't fight for what you want, you deserve what you get."
She opens her mouth to defend herself, even though he once again has her pegged, when she spots Robin walking over and immediately shuts it. Killian thankfully drops the topic and answers (to a question she hasn't realized was asked) that no they do not want dessert, just the check please, shooting her a meaningful glance while she wills the blush creeping up on her to stand down without much success. Robin gives her a dimpled grin as he leaves and she can't help but return it, even as anxiety clouds her brain.
"Yup, the both of you completely smitten," Killian says smugly, apparently his very annoying default state.
Regina grumbles shut up like a petulant teenager, which only increases the smugness.
Without warning he drops the endearments and the smirks for something softer.
"You and I are a lot alike Regina." She starts to interrupt with an I doubt that, but he's quick to contradict her. "No, try as you may to hide it, you're afraid you don't deserve to be happy. And maybe you don't." She glares at him, conveying every bit the venomous fuck you she isn't saying out loud, and he does look genuinely cowed, more conciliatory when he speaks again. "Maybe neither of us do. But the people who care don't tend to see it that way," he finishes softly, that vulnerability back in his voice, and it occurs to her that perhaps he's right to think they have common ground. Not that she's planning on admitting it.
Regina's saved from formulating a response by the arrival of the check. Robin smiles at her as always but it's tighter this time, and though she tries to catch his eye, he's already hurrying away to a woman waving him over at another table.
She opens the checkbook, relieved to see the slightly messy handwriting she's come to recognize.
He seems nice. And he brought out that elusive but satisfying smile you like to hide away. I think you might have found yourself a possibility. 8/10.
- Robin
"So," Killian asks, one eyebrow perfectly arched, "what's it going to be?"
All she can do is pick up the pen and write.
Robin's never seen her smile this much at any of her other dates. She's never been this engaged, leaning in close to talk to the man. He tries to tamp down jealousy, to be happy that she may have found someone in the parade of rich jerks her mother sets her up with. All in all, Robin thinks he's not doing that badly, having avoided taking any of his feelings out on Regina, her date, or any other unsuspecting patrons.
Will and Ruby have been openly mocking him for weeks now about the furtive glances and notes. Tonight is no exception, a new comment flung his way in every free moment that leaves Robin thinking that perhaps he isn't pulling it off after all.
He loses sight of Regina in the busyness of a Saturday night and by the time he gets back to Regina's table, there's a new couple seated and he can't help feeling both relieved that he doesn't have to witness them any longer and irrational dread about what the two of them might be up to now that they've left.
When they reunite just before closing Will has a shit-eating grin on his face.
"What?" He can't help the trepidation in his tone. After all no good has ever come from that expression in the past.
Will hands Robin a note without replying and takes a seat next to Ruby where they watch him eagerly.
He reads the note, then rereads it again to make sure he isn't imagining things. But on the second time the paper still has I'm tired of this bullshit, let's go out sometime and a phone number neatly printed in Regina's familiar writing.
He's so blinded by the phone number and the possibilities it allows that he almost doesn't notice the ps I'm pretty sure you'll be a 10/10 at the bottom.
"Get out of here Locksley," Ruby says, breaking him out of the spell Regina's note seems to have him under. "Go get your girl."
He doesn't need to be told twice, grabbing his coat and digging his phone out of the pocket. As he walks away Ruby yells after him.
"And don't think you won't be giving us all the details after all the pining we had to sit through."
Robin throws up a haphazard middle finger over his shoulder as he goes through the door, leaving the sound of laughter and Ruby's wolf-whistles behind.
He refuses to agonize over what to say, typing out a message and hitting send before he can reconsider.
Funny, I also think we should go out sometime. I do have one condition though.
It takes less than 30 seconds for her reply to pop up.
The suspense is killing me.
He can imagine the way she's rolling her eyes, can feel all of her sarcasm in the words. The thought makes Robin smile as he types out his answer.
We need to find another restaurant.
It takes her longer to text back this time, almost a minute, and he hopes it's because he's made her laugh.
I think we can make that work.
3 Weeks Later
"I was wrong about you," Regina says, breaking through the silence with a teasing lilt and a still new softness that he's come to recognize since their first date.
It takes him more time than it should to process exactly what she's saying but Robin thinks he deserves a pass given that he's on the edge of sleep and pressed skin to skin to a woman who is stunning in every way after frankly the best sex he's had in a very long time.
"And what exactly were you wrong about?" he murmurs into her hair, using the arm he has draped around her waist to pull her closer.
She doesn't immediately respond, too busy wriggling around in his newly tightened to plant a quick kiss to his lips.
"It was hasty of me to say you were a ten. I mean after that you have to be at least an eleven," she flirts and he cannot imagine the novelty of Regina flirting with him will ever wear off.
"While I'm flattered that you're anticipating an upward trend, I feel like you might be underselling how good that was," he teases back.
She raises an eyebrow at that, and he anticipates a caustic retort. But it appears he still has much to learn.
"Well I can hardly base such an important evaluation off a single data point. And we do have tomorrow all to ourselves so I'm sure we can come to a well," Regina pauses, a mischievous glimmer in her eyes, "satisfying conclusion." The seduction in her tone is very quickly undercut by her burst of laughter. "I'm sorry, that was laying it on a bit thick, wasn't it?" She asks rhetorically.
Still he answers, compelled to keep the smile on her face by teasing her again.
"Anything you say in that voice is automatically sexy." She opens her mouth, and he this time he does know she's going to sass him on this so Robin cuts her off before she has the chance. "Nope, sorry. I don't make the rules, it's just true."
As intended her smile grows brighter, and he meets her halfway for another languid kiss.
"Screw the rating system, you're perfect," she says quietly when they finally break apart, with a softness and wistfulness he never could have imagined coming from her when they first met.
"Well you have plenty of time to discover my many flaws-" Robin starts before Regina interrupts.
"Just shut up and spoon me before I take it back."
She's already turning away from him, but he can hear her smirk.
They settle back together and he will do as she ordered, but there's one thing he has to say first.
"For the record I think you're pretty perfect too."
And once again Robin doesn't need to see her face to know he's brought out that less and less elusive and oh so satisfying smile of hers. With that image in mind and the woman he's rapidly falling in love with relaxing in his arms, Robin easily sleeps.