"Ha ha," Cat Noir guffawed like the Whore of Babylon, "When we catch up to Furious George, I am going to spank the monkey! No wait, I meant I'll give him a banana to peel! Damn it, what I was trying to say is that two can play with guns and that I'll blow my load on his face! Fuck! I'm saying that milady and I could engage in some monkey business in bed? MOTHERFUCKER!" He aggressively yet futiley punned as he was still thinking about the amazingly tight and moist fellatio that that he may or may not have received, in which the gluttonous Plagg had feasted on a different kind of cheese finished with a discharge of queso blanco dip.

Unfortunately, the duo passed a「very large」 billboard featuring Adrien jumping for joy at the beach which would have been fairly innocuous and certainly nothing unusual for a public advertisement, had the boy not been exposing a lightly puckered yet moisturized Agreste armpit, which happened to be Marinette's very specific and frankly foul fetish. At this moment, Ladybug could feel the symptoms of her extreme thirst such as a dry mouth, dizziness, and a decreased and more yellow urine output. To her credit, she was expending a mighty effort to run in her sudden state of dehydration. It was incredible that she could even keep moving.

Ladybug collapsed and fell off a building, crashing into a parked car and hurting her back like that one scene from the 2004 film Spider-Man 2, when Peter Parker jumps off a building like some kind of moron, crashing into a car and hurting his back. It was almost exactly like that, so you know it was really funny.

Seeing the love of his life downed, Cat Noir began to cry either from distress at Ladybug's suffering or because he's an asshole who wastes his body fluids on tears when his partner is running dangerously low on hers. Just when all hope seemed lost, a female alligator shuffled by. In a feverish haze, Ladybug managed to grip her and suckle on one of her many nipples, hydrating herself and replenishing her electrolytes with Gatorade fresh from the mammaries. Unsteadily yet with determination, she stood up and punted the reptile into a nearby dumpster fire.

"Cat Noir! We need to see Master Fu so he can make more bulletproof Kwami potions! We used it all up on you last week against Rogercop 2.0 because he thought you were Black!" Ladybug bellowed with much verbosity.

"OK! XD!" Cat Noir answered with the loudness, caught up in the excitement and shooting big noise out of his face hole. He ran and ran and ran after Ladybug, who had started running in a direction that was hopefully leading to Master Fu. As he moved further from the ruined city of Paris, he could feel the absence of God abating, as if he was basking further in His light. Purity embraced the boy hero with tenderness, blotting out the sins of the past and the sins of his father. And he ran some more. He was forgiven for his lustful feelings towards his partner, for his resentment towards his father, and for somehow verbalizing an XD. The One above is great, for He is a loving and almighty deity. Omnipotent, and whose descriptions are excellent at distracting whoever is reading this from noticing that the pair had arrived at Master Fu's massage shop.

Ladybug strode up to the front and tore the doorbell straight out of the building, before knocking very hard on the door with it and screaming, "Hewwo!? HEWWO!?"

「它是什么？」 Master Fu answered.

"Pwease Mastah Fu, we need you to make mowre buwwetpwoof powtions, pwease save us, we downt wanna die!"

(AN: This is probably a good time to mention that this is actually an Alternate Universe genre fanfiction. This AU is one that is exactly the same as the canon universe of Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug & Cat Noir except Marinette can understand much Chinese but not speak it. I wrote this universe so I could relate more closely to Marinette because I'm Chinese and can understand much Chinese but not speak it.)

"I'll do anything fow you Mastah Fu pwease hewp," Ladybug continued speaking like a shithead.

「任何事？」 He asked in response.

"Anything for you Mastah Fu :3," She affirmed, making a cat face which was normally Cat Noir's job.

「Then perish.」

「Marinette's POV」

"Wow, this really sucks," I said, upset that I displeased Master Fu and did not get the potions.

「My POV as the narrator」

Dismayed at her failure to procure the potions and that she had offended Master Fu, Ladybug trudged away with Cat Noir to confront Furious George without them. It was their duty to protect Paris, whether they were adequately prepared to or not. Also on the way further into the city, the two saw Kim with Ondine, and thought not a word was exchanged, their hearts warmed at the sight as did mine knowing that Kim's completely awful taste in women had finally been rectified. And over on the far right were Juleka and Rose, making a fresh batch of methamphetamine to sell to Alya later. They were doing a very good job working together and producing the drug. One could say they had great chemistry with each other.

This short lived peace was broken by the sound of enraged monkey screeches and gunfire, heralding the arrival of Furious George himself as he jumped off a building and landed on a car, except unlike the crimson costumed bug themed superheroes Spiderman and Ladybug, he did it without hurting his back and it wasn't funny. Nevermind, I lied a little bit. It was an angry monkey making noise, shooting a gun, and jumping onto a car from a roof. It was hilarious.

"I'm gay!" Furious George furiously came out, apparently having learned to speak English.

「我是同性恋！」 And Chinese too.

As the shooter simian leveled his weapon at the crimefighters, Ladybug only had an instant to react.

"Lucky Charm!" She shouted, invoking her ultimate power. The prerecorded cutscene with her yo-yo played, freezing time for everyone except her. This was an ingenious move. By exploiting game mechanics and triggering a cutscene with her Ultimate during Furious George's attack animation frame, she was able to cancel out his attack. She definitely would not be hitting a new akuma speedrun record, but it would do.

The object covered in Ladybug's signature color scheme that would be key to defeating this villain fell into her hands. It was Mossberg 500 pump action shotgun.

Thinking fast, Furious George open fired on Ladybug, hoping to take her out first only to find the bullets swerve away from her. He did not understand, his aim was perfect and Ladybug had not made a move yet. The monkey peered behind her and saw Cat Noir invoking the power of God with his hands pressed together and his eyes closed, muttering something he could not hear. His heart was ensnared with fear, realizing that Ladybug was being protected from guns by 「Thoughts」 and 「Prayers」. With her superior firepower from her bigger gun, she shot Furious George, killing him instantly. The black butterfly fluttered out of the carcass.

"No more evil-doing for you, little akuma! Time to de-evilize!" She shouted, catching the source of the evil. Then she said more of her usual lines and threw the shotgun into the air where it exploded, making like Crazy Diamond on the city of Paris. This part is boring so I'm just going to skip to Hawkmoth's villainous and frustrated failure line.

"Well fuck you Ladybug and Cat Noir," he declared with maximum edgeitude.

To not be continued