Chapter One

Jasper

It was peaceful out here in the forest away from everyone, away from their solicitous glances and reassuring words. Sometimes I wondered why they still bothered with me. After all, I was hardly a star pupil but Carlisle never showed any signs of giving up, Esme never glanced at me reproachfully and no one, not even Edward, criticized my actions. It had been years since I escaped from Maria, thinking once free of her my life would change, The Major would no longer be in control but I was only deceiving myself. Peter had tried to support me, to help me discover the old me, Jasper Whitlock, but to no avail. I had even struck him in my frustration, the only friend I had and that was when I knew I would never be anything but The Major.

Birds flew overhead and the sky was blue, a cloudless sky with just the sun to shine down on me here in this clearing which was unusual for Forks Washington. That is why the Cullens chose to return here, they could live among the humans without fear of discovery in the usually murky atmosphere of the Olympic range. I wanted to run and keep running but that would be admitting defeat, besides which I suspected Carlisle would come and find me, he didn't like to fail either.

Alice had been my saviour in many ways, she had searched for me and led me here, to the only vampires who could possibly help me. At first, her kindness, her gentle way, led me to believe I was in love with her but again The Major ruined everything. I had been in Maria's grip for so long I had forgotten how to act with a woman. My only relationship had been with her and that was hardly love, just hard and brutal lust. Alice had been shocked by my actions but instead of leaving, of running away from the monster I became she stayed. She tried so hard to show me what love was all about, how to be gentle, how to enjoy sex but somehow he reared his ugly head each time and ruined things. I think she would have continued but I was the one who called a halt. I didn't want to harm this sweet and gentle woman, not again, so we travelled as friends.

Having a female friend was a novelty and I wasn't going to lose her so I watched myself carefully. She told me about the Cullen diet although I thought it was a story, who could live on anything but human blood? It was a vampire's natural diet, but the thought there might be another way, a less tortuous way, for me to live was appealing. Alice hated it when I disappeared to hunt, it was murder to her way of thinking but I couldn't resist my thirst. She was very coy about hunting and never allowed me to go with her so I followed her without her knowing, it was underhanded, but I had to know.

In the event, it was as well I was there because she was accosted by a pair of nomads who seeing such a pretty woman all alone decided to have some fun. As soon as she screamed The Major reared his ugly head once more and the two nomads found themselves outfought by the most fearsome warrior in their world. I didn't take prisoners, nor did I stop at incapacitating them. I only stopped when Alice pulled me away from the tiny fragments of flesh that were all they now were. I almost attacked her too but stopped myself just in time and vowed from that day I would never hurt a female again. I feared she might feel only disgust for me after seeing what I was capable of and run away but then she told me her secret. Alice could see the future, she had seen I needed her help and had searched until she saw where I would be. She had also seen the attack but knew I needed to release all my pent up aggression so allowed herself to be attacked to help me again. How could I possibly leave a woman who would sacrifice so much to help a dangerous stranger?

I hadn't expected such loyalty and friendship from anyone but when we arrived at the Cullens it continued. Even when I explained exactly who I was and what I had done in the past I was welcomed warmly and accepted as one of the newest members of the family along with Alice. Admittedly they assumed that Alice and I were a couple at first but even finding we were just travelling companions made no difference. The first few days were difficult, I tried to hide my growing thirst knowing they preyed on animals, not humans and found having strangers around me very unsettling. I felt I was being watched and judged and when they made overtures of friendship I was suspicious. Did they want me to tell them all about being a bloodthirsty monster so they could feel superior? Did they see me as an animal that might turn and bite at any second?

Suspicion and a feeling of inadequacy dogged me for years as I struggled, often unsuccessfully to fit in. Everyone tried so hard to befriend me but somehow I never felt a part of the family, like a hanger-on they tolerated. The worst of all was Edward, Carlisle's first born who thought he was superior to the rest because of this.

His arrogance annoyed me but worse than that was his ability to sneak through my thoughts and use what he learned to belittle or annoy me. I could hardly rip him to pieces as I would have liked, it wouldn't have made my stay with the family any easier but I found a way to get my revenge. I waited until I knew he was listening in and thought back to my darkest days with Maria and the humans we had tortured and killed for food and the fun of it. His face went grave, he looked sickened and he left. I'm pretty sure he never trampled in my mind again, he couldn't stomach what he had discovered the first time and wanted no more.

I'm pretty sure Edward tried to get Carlisle to ask me to leave but I'll give Carlisle his due, he never gave up on me. When I came back after sneaking out to hunt humans he was there to talk to me, to tell me that a slip was to be expected, that I wasn't failing him, nor was I failing myself. He even pointed out that the fact I had gone all the way to Seattle to hunt proved that I was fitting in, becoming a part of the family.

"If you didn't care about us you would have hunted closer to home Jasper, it wouldn't have mattered to you, see?"

I didn't see, not really, it had just been chance that I wandered so far, or it was the way I saw it.

Emmett tried hard to befriend me, I think he liked the idea of another male in the house, besides Edward that was. The trouble was that Emmett was very tactile, he liked to play fight and mess around, test out his considerable strength but to me, these were hostile acts and I reacted as such. Even when I tore his right arm off he didn't give up on me. What was it with these people? Couldn't they see I was never going to fit in? That I would always be the odd one out, the pet they housed that had a feral instinct that could lead to pain and even death? I should have left, it would have been far safer for this family and they were good people, they deserved better than I could give them but something kept me here. Something told me that it was only Carlisle who kept me from spiralling out of control, only Esme and Rosalie, Emmett and Alice that showed me I was not the bloodthirsty monster of legend, that there was more to me but I would never be able to pay them back for this, it just wasn't going to happen, I was what I was and I would never change, it was too late.

So, why they had talked me out of my latest attempt to leave I couldn't begin to understand, maybe they were just stubborn and refused to accept defeat. I had my stuff packed after an altercation with Edward who had been snooping in my room which was out of bounds, the only space I could really call my own. My first instinct had been to act and it was only with great difficulty I reined myself in and only threw him out through the window two stories up. Not waiting for Esme or Carlisle to come up and tell me to leave I was ready, on the porch when Rosalie confronted me.

"Where do you think you are going Jazz?"

She was the only one I allowed to use that nickname and I couldn't explain why except I had a soft spot for her because however horrible I was she always stuck up for me! Of course by the time I had gotten past her the others had appeared and I was gently herded back inside. They made me feel like I was hurting them by leaving, I didn't understand the family at all.