Title: Noodles

Rating: T for "The Talk"

Paring: OsaChi (Osamu x Chika)

Summary: Akane, Izuho, and Kitora attempt to explain the miracle of life to Chika, since Osamu apparently did a crappy job of it (in Kitora's opinion).

"Do I…like anyone?"

"Yeah!" Izuho affirmed excitedly as she, Chika, and Akane sat down in a restaurant that the redhead insisted they try. "I mean, there's so many good looking guys in Border, right!?"

"Yeah!" Akane agreed, "I mean, you're the only girl in your team, right?"

Chika felt her face warm up. "W-well there's still Usami-sempai…"

"Yeah, but Kuga-san seems so cuddly!" Izuho laughed, "I think you two would go great together!"

Akane shook her head. "No no," she replied, "it's Megane-kun that she should be with! He's taller than her so he could wrap his arms around her and hold her…maybe even carry her around on his shoulders!"

"W-what!?" Chika exclaimed, her face heating up even more. "I-I—Osamu-kun's just a really good friend! He's been protecting me ever since my brother disappeared…"

She trailed off, looking down at her food.

"Oh…" Izuho said understandingly, "He really cares about you, huh…?"

"He's your knight in shining armor," Akane agreed, nodding sagely.

"I-It's not…like that…" she murmured, "I just…he just…"

"Are you three slacking?" a third voice asked, approaching their table. "I thought you'd be doing homework or something."

"K-Kitora-san!" Chika greeted, "We're just eating some food before we head home…"

"Question is, aren't you slacking?" Izuho asked, "Usually you'd be training still, right?"

Kitora's face reddened slightly. "I-I'm allowed to take occasional breaks," she muttered, looking away. "But only because I'm already so talented—"

"Wait, Kitora-san," Akane interrupted, "We were talking about who we like—do you like anyone?"

The Arashiyama Ace turned back to her, eyes wide and face even redder than before. "O-of course not—!"

"You like Karasuma-sempai, right?" Chika asked timidly.

The entire table went silent as the three of them watched all the color in Kitora's face vanish.

"I mean…that's what Osamu-kun guessed," she admitted, "he said he figured that's why you're so cold towards him—because you're jea—"

She stopped abruptly when Kitora slammed a hand on the table, staring directly into her eyes.

"Uh oh…" Akane murmured, "…you said too much, Chika-kun…"

"Did Osamu-kun actually say that?" she demanded, eyes almost feral as a shadow covered her face. "Did he say I was…jealous of him?"

"I…uh…" Chika looked away nervously, "I-I—"

"I'm not jealous of him!" Kitora interrupted, "He's a weakling who can barely fight for himself! There's nothing to be jealous of!"

"…other than having Karasuma-san as a sempai," Izuho coughed.

Kitora stood up and glared at her, only to avert her eyes. "I-I'm not…jealous of that…"

Akane laughed out loud. "Yeah, right!"

"Who do you like?" Kitora demanded, "huh!?"

"Suwa-san," Izuho answered immediately.

"Pompadour-sempai seems pretty good looking," Akane replied thoughtfully, "and he's nice too…"

The ace blinked for a moment, raising an eyebrow at the C-rank agent. "…Suwa-san!? You like Suwa-san!?"

"H-He's pretty cool!" Izuho said defensively, "And he has a hilarious personality!"

"…okay," Kitora muttered, rolling her eyes as she turned to Chika. "And I'm willing to bet you like Osamu-kun, right?"

"I-no…" Chika murmured, shaking her head. "N-not like that…"

Kitora's eyes seemed to gleam with mischievous (or malicious) intent as she smirked almost evilly.

"Do you like being around him a lot?"

"I-well…of course," Chika replied uncertainly, "He's fun to be around…"

"Do you get nervous when he touches you?"

"Whoa-whoa, Kitora-san—!" Akane interjected, only to be cut off again.

"Not really," Chika answered, "He likes to pat my head on occasion, like when we win a rank battle or sometimes just because. It's not that uncommon, and I don't mind when he does it at all."

The other three stared at Chika, eyes wide. "…that's the cutest thing I've ever heard," Izuho stated, "I can see him doing that!"

"So can I!" Akane agreed, "That's so adorable!"

Kitora exhaled through her nose, almost like a bull ready to charge. "Do you think he'd make a good father?"

"What the—what are you asking!?" Izuho demanded, "That's—!"

"Of course," Chika replied with a smile, causing the other three's jaws to drop. "Osamu-kun is a very caring person, and I think he'd be great around children—his name means 'discipline' after all!"

Kitora's eyes were wide with shock while Akane and Izuho glanced at each other with grins on their faces.

"F-fine then," Kitora said, narrowing her eyes. "…would you sleep with him?"

"K-Kitora-san!" Akane almost screamed.

"Why would you ask something like that!?" Izuho demanded.

Chika cocked her head to the side. "We do sleep with each other, on occasion."

The other three girl's faces became as white as a sheet.

"…y-you…sleep with Osamu-kun…?" Kitora stammered, her left eye twitching unnoticeably.

"Yeah," Chika replied, "sometimes I crawl into his bed when I have nightmares, and there was one time when he accidentally sleepwalked into my room and slept in my room. I couldn't wake him up so I just crawled into bed with him…"

The three let out a collective sigh of relief.

"She didn't get it…" Akane whispered to Izuho.

"Does that mean she doesn't know what it is?" Izuho whispered back.

Kitora rolled her eyes. "That…nevermind," she muttered, "What I meant was…would you have sex with him?"

"Kitora…san…" Akane whispered, "…I don't think…"

"Um…" Chika put a hand to her chin, thinking for a moment.

…and another moment.

…and another moment.

…and another moment.

…aaaaaaaaand another—

"…why the hell do you need to think about this!?" Kitora demanded suddenly, "I mean—Is is a yes or a no!?"

"…I don't think I'd trust anyone else with something so intimate…" Chika murmured, "…so I don't know…maybe?"

Kitora put her face in her hands, Akane's noodles fell from her chopsticks, and Izuho almost passed out.

"…MAYBE!?" Kitora demanded, "What the ever loving hell—!?"

"W-well I would like to have children one day," Chika explained, blushing slightly. "But…I can't think of anyone else who I can trust to raise them with me other than Osamu-kun…is that bad?"

"I…no…" Kitora sighed, still covering her face. "T-that means…you definitely like Osamu-kun…"

"…it does?"

"Y-yeah…"

The four fell silent, not quite sure what to do with this information.

"…I guess…I like Osamu-kun then," Chika decided with a nod.

"You're surprisingly calm about this," Akane murmured, "I mean…most girls would be freaking out, but you…"

"Wait wait wait," Kitora interrupted as a thought occurred to her, "when I asked you about sex, you said you wouldn't mind 'having children with him'…but what about the sex part?"

"I…don't quite know what that is," Chika murmured, "I know it's where babies come from, but the way Osamu-kun—"

"That idiot explained to you what sex was!?" Kitora roared, "Chika, you need to ask other girls these types of things—that idiot shouldn't—he can't—!"

"M-my mom never told me!" Chika stammered, "A-and when I asked Osamu-kun's mom she told me to ask him!"

The other three girls stared at each other, thinking the same thing.

Osamu's mom is trying way too hard...

Kitora glanced at the other two, who were suspiciously silent. "…oh, would you look at the time—"

"W-wait, Kitora-san!" Chika exclaimed, "C-can you…tell me what sex is?"

The ace turned to the other two girls, who suddenly were stuffing their faces with food.

"You brought it up," Akane said with a full mouth, "you have to explain it."

"I-what—!?"

"Please Kitora-san?" Chika asked, bowing her head.

"I…" Kitora sighed, scratching the back of her head as she started to rethink some of her life decisions. "…move over. I'm tired of standing."

Chika quickly scooted over and made room for the ace, who sat down next to her. "Okay…" she murmured, "what do you already know about sex?"

"I know that the man inserts his seed into the woman," Chika answered easily, "and the seed fertilizes the egg—"

"Alright," Kitora interrupted, pinching the bridge of her nose, "do you know how the man puts his seed in the woman?"

"Um…something about a…'phallus' I think…?"

Kitora face palmed. "Okay, the 'phallus' is a fancy term for…uh…"

It was on the tip of her tongue (well that sounds like the start of a sexual joke, she thought with a roll of her eyes) but for some reason she just couldn't say it—

"Oh yeah!" Chika interrupted, "the 'pen—'"

"Yes, that…" the ace covered the girl's mouth and looked around in paranoia, suddenly acutely aware that they were in a restaurant filled with other patrons. "…On second thought, we shouldn't talk about this here…"

Apparently, the other two girls disagreed.

"You know the little noodle that guys have between their legs?" Izuho explained crassly, "They stick that in the little crease between your legs."

Chika looked completely confused. "…what? Kitora-san, is that true?"

The Arashiyama Ace was reduced to physically restraining herself from flipping the table and strangling the C-Rank to death. "Okay…" she muttered, "obviously Osamu-kun wasn't…descriptive enough about where babies come from—"

"He said it was like a flower," Chika murmured, "when I asked him to explain it in non-medical terms…"

So the asshole was so descriptive that it didn't make any sense, only to explain it in such a roundabout way that makes even less sense!? Kitora seethed, Damn it Osamu-kun, you fucking cop-out!

"Actually, I can see that," Akane said, "I mean the guy plants a seed in the girl, the seed becomes fertilized and grows into a baby, then bursts forth from the woman like a flower, continuing to grow and live on its own!"

Kitora literally slammed her head against the table, letting out a loud groan.

"I-I guess I didn't know how the boy puts the seed in the girl," Chika laughed nervously, subconsciously crossing her legs. "…that's really…weird…"

"Can I go now?" Kitora muttered into the table, "I should really get going—"

"Kitora-sempai?"

Everyone at the table froze, recognizing the voice immediately.

"O…Osamu…kun…" Kitora stammered, slowly lifting her head from the table. "H…hi…"

Akane and Izuho averted their eyes after a mumbled greeting.

"Hi, Osamu-kun!" Chika greeted cheerfully, "What brings you here?"

"I was actually looking for you," the Megane-kun replied sheepishly, "I heard from Ema-san that you were here—Kitora-san, is that a bruise on your forehead?"

The ace reached a hand up to her forehead, wincing when pain pricked her skin in response.

"Oh, this…?" she laughed nervously, "I…was training…and…"

"You can't get bruises while in your Trion body," Osamu pointed out.

"O-Oh yeah…" Kitora racked her brain for another response. "…I ran into a pole?"

Osamu raised a disbelieving eyebrow, yet to her relief didn't comment anymore on the subject.

"So Chika," he said, turning to his teammate. "Reiji was wondering if you wanted to join all of us at Tamakoma for movie night—he said that Jin-san predicted that it'd be good already…"

"That's got to be an annoying Side-Effect," Akane said sadly, "not being able to enjoy movies because you keep predicting the ending…"

"Actually, he can control that," Chika put in, "he said that if he avoids looking into other people's futures, the movie won't be spoiled for him."

"Ooh," Izuho murmured, "that's good—that means he can enjoy movies and anime!"

"But it sounds like he already saw it," Akane pointed out, "unless he saw it already?"

"I'll come either way," Chika answered, "it's getting pretty late, anyway…"

"I'll walk you there," Osamu offered, "It's not too far…"

Akane and Izuho elbowed each other, and Kitora couldn't take it anymore.

"I need to talk to you for a moment," she seethed, taking the glasses-clad brunette by his tie and dragging him outside.

When they made it outside, she turned on him with fury. "What the hell is wrong with you!?"

"…did you want to come too?" he asked, looking completely confused.

"When did you give Chika, 'The Talk'!" she demanded, pulling tighter on his tie and making him wheeze. "You did a very shitty job of it!"

"…oh…that…" Osamu muttered, "um…she asked, and I answered…?"

"That's got to be some bullshit," Kitora cursed, "What happened!?"

Osamu sighed, pushing up his glasses that somehow glinted seriously. "…I told her to ask someone else," he murmured, "that I wasn't the best suited for it…"

"…and…?"

There was a pause, and Osamu sighed again. "…she said that if I didn't tell her, she'd look it up on the internet since no one else would tell her."

Kitora's eyes widened in horror as she let go of his tie. "…now you understand why I had no choice?" he asked, "Chika would have been scarred for life, so I explained it as medically as possible so she'd ask for a more vague answer, thus allowing me to explain it in a roundabout enough way to avoid her being scarred for life—though that still would have been better than what she could have come across on the internet…"

As much as she hated to admit it, Osamu was right—the was no telling what poor Chika would find out there. Kitora herself had even stumbled upon horrible, horrible abominations while looking up the most innocent of things—if Chika was actively looking for it, there was no way she was going to come back the same person she was before. Hell, even Izuho's explanation probably was less severe than whatever Chika could've come across while on the internet…

"…fine," she conceded, turning and abruptly walking away. "I see your point. Just…keep taking care of her, okay?"

"Of course," Osamu replied with a smile, "you don't have to worry…"

"I wasn't worrying..." she muttered as she left, though she couldn't stop the small smile as she rolled her eyes.

O-M-A-K-E

"So..." Izuho said, turning back to Chika. "Would you let Osamu-kun put his noodle in you?"

Chika was silent, debating her answer.

"Its perfectly okay to say no," Akane added gently, "You're pretty young anyway..."

"I can't imagine anyone's noodle inside me," Chika admitted finally, looking down at the table.

"Neither can I," Izuho agreed, "guys are cute, but I don't want any noodles yet."

Akane stared down at her ramen and pushed it away. "Me neither..."

"...but I'm sure Osamu-kun wouldn't hurt me," Chika finished, "so I don't think I would mind..."

Izuho and Akane stared at each other for a moment, a really, really bad idea popping into their heads.

O-M-A-K-E-II

"Ready to go, Chi—?"

Osamu stopped dead in his tracks, eyes wide with horror at the scene before him.

"This looks like a good video!" Izuho said, pointing at Akane's smart phone. "'Virgin makes passionate love with a—' Oh…oh nononono NOT that one! That's a baaad one!"

"You keep on pointing out all the weird ones!" Akane huffed, "Here's one; 'girl gets her—' –actually yeah no that's no good either…"

"T-this really isn't necessary…" Chika whimpered, head turned away from the screen. "Guys…"

"Wait wait wait!" Izuho shouted, "Here's one—'Man and Wife have insatiable se—'"

Osamu promptly plucked the phone out of the girls' hands causing the two to protest.

"W-wait—!" Akane exclaimed in confusion.

"We just found a decent one!" Izuho whined.

The Megane-kun said nothing, merely walking out the door.

"…what's he doing with my phone?" Akane asked fearfully.

"It looks like he's gonna…" Izuho trailed off as Osamu drew his arm back—

—and hurled the phone as far as humanly possible.

"N-no!" Akane screamed, "T-th-that thing's expensive! My mom will kill me!"

"Hurry, we need to find it!" Izuho exclaimed, "I didn't get a chance to exit the screen!"

As the two of them dashed after the readhead's phone, Osamu calmly walked back into the shop and over to Chika who watched her friends sprint into the sunset.

"Ready to go?" he asked kindly.

"Mm-hmm!" Chika replied as she stood, subconsciously holding onto Osamu's hand.

He stiffend for a brief moment, but right when Chika began to draw her hand back from embarrassment he closed her fingers around hers and smiled.

"Let's go then."

O-M-A-K-E-III

"So, Kitora-kun," Arashiyama said as they and the rest of their unit relaxed quietly in their squad room. "I heard that you helped out Chika-kun a lot yesterday."

"How so?" she asked, flipping disinterestedly through a magazine. "I was more or less coerced into sitting with them, but we had an…interesting conversation…"

"I'll say," Satori laughed, "what was it that Izuho-chan said? Something about noodles?"

Kitora froze, her heart caught in her throat.

"'You know the little noodle that guys have in between their legs?'" Tokieda quoted, "'They stick that in the little crease between your legs' I believe."

Haruka burst into laughter. "I can't believe she just said that outright," she snorted, "poor Chika-kun was so confused…"

"At least Osamu-kun had attempted to explain it beforehand," Arashiyama shrugged, "Imagine if Chika had tried to look it up online…"

"That thought alone gives me chills…" Satori whimpered, "Chika-kun's innocence would have been destroyed…"

"So you did her a service by trying to explain it yourself," Arashiyama praised, "You saved Chika-kun a world of pain and suffering…"

Kitora suddenly lost the ability to breathe. "H-how did you even…?"

Satori raised a guilty hand.

"He was out with Yoneya, Izumi and Shun to eat when he saw you come in," Tokieda replied, smirking slightly. "He saw and heard the whole thing—Yoneya even went with him outside and spied on you after you dragged Osamu-kun out by his tie and made him explain himself…"

"It was hilarious," Satori admitted, "though it's nice to know that you have a heart after all!"

The rest of the unit erupted in laughter and agreement while Kitora just hid her face in her magazine, plotting to kill them all.

Idk why but Kitora has become one of my favorite characters to write about :P

And fubukitasuku999 convinced me to make this a one-shot collection, so nyeh.