I wrote this on 3 hours of sleep, off and on all day, with the help of lots of coffee...It is pure crack...Don't judge me.

There is a lot, a lot, of joking in this. But that is all it is, joking. Don't take to much seriously in this fic.

It is 5am and I am done humaning for today...I am ready to death...Or y'know binge watch cartoons...Or maybe sleep...

This is set sometime during Refound Happiness. (Though it can be a completely independent story)

Disclaimer- I am the owning of nothing.

Dash of Sugar, Splash of Cream-

The bell chimed lightly to inform the barista of incoming costumes above the group's head. It was drizzling softly outside, ensuring that the day was quiet. The inside of the coffee shop was small but cozy. Two love seats sat in the far corner around a coffee table with a dozen or so throw pillows piled on top of them. A bunch of mismatched tables sat littered about the yellowed lit shop, in a homey kind of way.

The group of people tromped in, their obnoxious footsteps drawing the attention of the three other occupants in the shop. A college student in a green sweater working distractedly on his laptop gawked at the group, his glasses slipping down his face, his dreadlocked hair swinging to the side as he twisted to watch the group.

A couple sat at a small table stared wide-eyed whispering back and forth to one another as if they didn't believe their eyes. The girl who had bright red hair slipped out her phone, snapping a picture, hoping that the group of people didn't notice. (News flash, they did)

The leader of the group walked up to the counter, a soft smile on his face, a blue cap on his blond head. He was in normal clothes, but really he was hard to miss. Even with the extra layers of clothing, you could still clearly see that the young man was, uh, fit. (Yeah fit, that was the right word. Not overly attractive, or freakishly buff, or crap your pants its Captain Amer-!)

The barista, Kim, shuffled her way to the register. Kim was a mess she knew. She had woken up late this morning and threw on the nearest set of clothes and ran out the door without so much as brushing her teeth. Kim shifted on her feet, pushing some of her curly black hair behind her ear. "Uh," she looked completely baffled to even be speaking to this man. "May I take your order Captain A-America?" She asked sheepishly. Oh god, oh why her? Why did the freaking Avengers have to come in when she was working on four hours of sleep?!

Steve chuckled, before turning back to his group. The other Avengers were getting situated by the two love seats in the corner. Nat and Clint squeezed on one, Natasha's legs in Clint's lap. While Sam and Bruce sat on the other, Sam, however, did not place his feet in Bruce's lap. (Though he did seem to be thinking about it) Thor and Tony had snagged some chairs and were just sitting down, (Tony sitting on his chair backward like the uncultured swine he was!) while Peter grabbed a throw pillow and plopped himself to the floor in front of Clint and Nat.

"Guys?" Steve called, "What am I ordering here?" He asked. Kim shifted behind the counter, her eyes jumping over all of the Avengers. She nervously ran a hand through her hair.

"Mint tea, hot."

"Aye, a hot chocolate for me."

"Expresso." Natasha shifted on the couch, "Oh and a cheese Danish."

"Cheese Danish for me too, and uh, a Mocha."

"This is on Tony right?" Sam cocked an eyebrow upward. "Okay, then a brownie and a Latte…What?! You aren't allowed to judge my drink preferences, Barton."

"Black with a little cream, and why don't you just grab all the Danishes you have while you're at it. These freeloaders will probably clean you out anyway."

"Okay, and can I have a white chocolate Cappuccin-"

Tony pointed a finger at the teenager "No. No caffeine for you, Parker."

Peter gawked at the man. "Tony," He spoke calmly at first, but his voice steadily grew higher pitched. "you cannot deny me my coffee; I need it to li~ve!"

"Come on man, let the kid have his coffee." Clint chimed in patting Peter on the shoulder.

"Yes, let the lad have his caffeine. The boy is quite rambunctious after a drink such as these."

"That's the problem!" Tony threw his hands into the air. "Are all of you just conveniently forgetting about the last time we let the kid have coffee?!"

"It's fine Tony." Cap spoke up then, "We'll deal with the catastrophic repercussions later." Tony glared at the man of truth, justice, and muscles, before turning back to find Peter's puppy eyes locked onto him.

Tony slapped a palm to his forehead, before groaning. "Fine, whatever. But if you web any part of me to any parts of Barton again, I swear to god-" He warned with a glare directed at the teenager.

Peter's smile was devious. "I just thought you and Clint needed some bonding time, s'was all." The kid winked at Tony but turned before the man could react. "Okay, so that's a white chocolate Cappuccino with extra whipped cream for me."

"You know that isn't even real coffee." Sam teased. "Maybe you would like some coffee with that sugar of yours?"

"Yes, I know." Peter snarked back. "The sugar and milk products make it drinkable."

Tony made a disgusted face at that, (The billionaire and coffee have been in a codependent relationship for many years now, and even though they may grind on one another's nerves at times (hehe, get it grind?) you can't just go around bad mouthing his lover like that) Peter stuck out his tongue. Tony returned the childish gesture.

Steve turned back to the barista with a snort "And an Expresso for me." He said bringing her out of her shocked stupor, did Tony Stark, as in Iron Man, just stick his tongue out at a teenager?! Kim's brown eyes flickered to Steve, her mouth opening and shutting once. "Did you get all that miss?" He asked, not unkindly.

The poor girl, who was still trying to wrap her sleep deprived brain around the odd scene in front of her, nodded making even more hair fall into her face. It took her a second to find her voice, "Uh, y-yes I think so."

Kim's thoughts went from "I am talking to Captain-Holy-Crap-America; And taking the Saved-The-World-A-Bunch-Of-Times-Avenger's coffee orders." Too, "I have no makeup on in front of Super-Sexy-With-A-Capital-S-Captain-America; And I am wearing my old Star Trek t-shirt that I have had since high school in front of the We-Are-Rich-Famous-And-Gorgeous-Avengers."

Steve cleared his throat and brought Kim out of her panicked thoughts, the girl jumped slightly before rattling off the order to him in one puff of air, butterflies fluttering in her stomach.

Steve's eyebrows rose in a shocked surprise. "Wow, you're good." He said in all sincerity. Kim felt a blush tint her ears at the praise and ducked her head slightly, ringing up the order as she brushed her hair from her face. The Captain America just complimented her, she could die at peace now.

"That'll be 57.98 please." Kim tried to ignore the slight shake in her voice. Her friends would never believe this.

"Moneybags," Steve called behind himself. Tony made an indigent sound from the back of his throat as he stood, walking up to the counter.

"Is that all I am to you, Rogers?" The billionaire asked as he grabbed a golden card from his wallet. Kim took it with shaking fingers.

"That's what you are to all of us, Tony," Clint called back, his head turned so he was looking at the other upside down over the back of the couch. "But if it's any consolation, you are the best sugar daddy any of us has ever had."

Kim stared wide-eyed, hiding her gawking mouth behind a hand. Bruce snorted loudly, Natasha rolling her eyes at the Archer, though her lips quirked up ever so slightly.

Kim handed the card back to Tony before spinning around to get started. "Okay, maybe that makes me feel a little better," Tony admitted as he and Steve walked back to the group. "But if I am correct, and I always am, a sugar daddy is supposed to get something in return for his services. So what are a bunch ingrate's like you going to give me that could possibly make up for all my money wasting?"

Tony flopped back into his chair, leaning his forearms on the back of its frame as he stared expectantly at Clint. (Steve opted to sit next to Peter on the floor) Clint's face scrunched up as he searched for an answer. "Our spectacular personalities of course." He answered in all seriousness.

Tony gave him an unimpressed look, while Sam chuckled. Peter turned to Cap then shifted so one of his knees was pressed to his chest while the other snaked under the coffee table. "Wha'ch ya order Cap?" He asked.

Steve eyed the teen before shrugging "Just an Expresso." He answered.

Peter bobbed his head up and down "Hm," He hummed, "Would have taken you for an iced Americano kind of guy." The teen's smile was open mouthed and expectant, his eyebrows raised and waiting for a reaction.

Clint face palmed "Oh my god." He groaned, "You did not. You did not just make that joke Parker."

"Oh but I did." The teenager's whole body was now bobbing up and down, a soft giggle escaping his mouth.

"Do you see," Tony said gesturing to the boy with a sweep of the hand. "This is the kid before he has had caffeine."

Peter wiggled his eyebrows at the man, "Come on Tony, you know you love me."

"That is beside the point you little brat." Tony smiled at the teen crossing his arms.

"Looks like our sugar daddy could use a little more sugar, huh Clint?" Peter glanced up at the man behind him.

"I am no longer talking to you," Clint told the teen his hand still pressed over his eyes. "I am disowning you as my pranking/gaming buddy."

Peter hit the Archer's leg with a slight smack, "Oh come on, it was great." He said turning to peer up at the blond. "An iced Americano for the iced Americano."

Steve shook his head, huffing a sigh his eyes looking up to the ceiling as if asking 'why me?' before saying "Just…stop." Peter cackled, his shoulder knocking into Steve's.

"Too far Pete, too far." Clint moaned at the teen as if mortally injured by the joke. "I have lost so much respect for you."

Peter raised a surprised eyebrow at the Archer before asking "You respect me?"

"Not anymore." Clint deadpanned.

Peter grabbed one of Clint's hands practically climbing into the man's lap, "No, baby don't go!" He called right in Clint's face. The man probably would have gone deaf if he wasn't already. "Think of the children!"

"I cannot live this lie any longer," Clint feigned false sadness. "you disgust me." With that, the man hit the teen over the head with a pillow. Peter tugged it out of his hand and hit him right back.

"Alright, I get that you guys are like lovers or whatever, which by the way, wouldn't make that a public thing since Peter is still y'know, a minor," Sam said, making both Peter and Clint grimace. "But the children?" He asked.

Without even a hint of humor or a ghost of a smile Peter promptly stated. "Oh, that's Thor."

Everyone gawked at the teenager as if asking for further explanation. "Yup." The teen went on with the story. "He's Clint's love child, but I love him all the same, even if he isn't truly mine." Peter turned to Thor then "Right little buddy?" He asked, finally letting a smile filter onto his face.

"Aye." Thor looked utterly baffled for a moment before his face stretched into a smirk and he continued. "I am Hawkeye's offspring."

Everyone turned to Clint then. Whose mouth was hanging so far open you could see the back of his throat, the man stared over his purple sunglasses, unmoving, his gray eyes stuck to Thor's smirking face. A beat of silence stretched on before everyone promptly fell into fits of laughter.

"What the hell kid," Tony said scrubbing at his smirking mouth. "Did you and Thor plan that?" He asked.

But before the giggling Peter could answer, Kim was walking up with their drinks. "H-hi," She stuttered out, "here are two Expressos, a hot chocolate, mint tea, a Mocha, Latte, black coffee with cream, and the Cappuccino." The dark skinned girl sat down a variation of different shaped and colored mugs on the coffee table before plopping down a box "and there's a brownie and the rest of our Danishes." Kim glanced up at the silent Avengers wondering if she had gotten something wrong.

"She didn't mess up our order," Sam said in an awed voice. "Or call the paparazzi."

"That she didn't." Tony agreed.

"I guess we found our new hang out," Natasha said as she took a sip of her coffee. "What days do you work-" The spy's eyes squinted as she read Kim's nametag. "Kim?" She asked.

Kim thought she might burst. Black Widow just said her name, Black-I-Can-Make-A-Grown-Man-Pee-His-Pants-With-Just-A-Look-Widow was talking to her, Kim-I'm-A-Dorky-College-Student-That-Has-No-Shoes-On-Walker! "Uh, Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday." She answered, Kim had classes on Tuesday and Thursday, Saturdays were her off day. (If you could call cramming homework, hurriedly cleaning her messing apartment, and then maybe catching up on some sleep, a day off)

"Then we know what days to come in, thank you, Kim." Natasha said, a slight smirk on her face.

Kim bobbed her head once before scurrying away feeling jittery and very out of place. "I think you just scared the brains out of that girl," Bruce stated, eyeing Nat over his mug. Natasha winked at him.

"She'll get used to scary-super-spies after a while," Tony said as he reached for a Danish. "Because underneath that scary-super-spy armor is just a normal scary-redheaded-lady."

"The same goes for you Stark." Natasha popped part of her pastry into her mouth, smirking as Tony's nose scrunched up in distaste.

Steve snorted, "Tony would make a good redhead." He agreed, smirking into his mug.

"Yes, he would be a very pretty crossdresser." Clint went on.

"Aye, a very attractive woman Stark would make."

Tony squawked at them, sloshing a bit of his coffee to the floor in his angry gesture. "You people should be nice to me; I am the one paying for your food y'know."

Clint hummed, "Yeah, but we already have our drinks," He took a long drawn out sip then. "which means we no longer have any reason to be nice to you. Well, until we get hungry again that is."

Tony stared opened mouth, but before the playboy could get out a retort, Bruce was raising his mug "All who agree that Tony should get a sex change say 'aye'."

A loud chorus of "Aye." Then followed as the rest of the group raised their drinks into the air.

Tony glared at his teammates "I hate you all." He deadpanned.

Peter gasped, "It must be Tony's time of the month. She seems very emotional right now." Tony threw what was left of his Danish at the teen, but Peter grabbed it out of the air and stuffed it into his mouth, before grinning with his cheeks filled. Clint flicked the teen's ear.

"I know where you sleep bug." Tony jabbed a finger at Peter.

Peter shrugged in return sipping on his coffee, "You and all the other villains of the world. I mean, com'on Tony we live in a huge Tower with a glowing A on it." Peter shook his head to himself "We might as well live in the Titian's Tower."

"Titian's Tower?" Steve asked looking confused.

Peter waved him off "It's just from a comic book."

Clint leaned back crossing his legs and resting his head on the back, "You are such a nerd Parker." He teased lightly.

Peter placed a hand over his heart as he gasped, "Well I never!" He exclaimed. Clint rolled his eyes fondly at the teenager. "I'll have you know that all the sexiest people read comics."

"Mm-hum, you're just disproving your own point, kid. Because you are anything but sexy." Clint told the teen.

Peter pretends to choke, spluttering into his drink and getting whipped cream on his nose. "I am hurt, hurt, I tell you." The teen squeaked.

"Oh my goodness, will you two go get a room." Sam shook his head back and forth a fond smile on his face. "Quit flirting with each other. It's making me sick."

Clint's face scrunches as Peter's lights up, "Awe, but Sam." The teen went on. "Who couldn't flirt with a piece of meat like this?" The teen proceeded to pinch Clint's side, making the blond grunt in discomfort before swiping at the teen's head.

Peter laughed as he dodged the batting hands. "Oh come on Clint, you know you are one sexy man-beast."

Clint's tongue popped out of his mouth as a sound similar to 'blugk' vibrated from his throat. "You know what Pete," He began. "I think we should maybe keep our distance for a few weeks. Just until your man-crush wears off."

Peter snorted in his drink before saying in a low voice "I'll never get over a pretty face like yours, Barton."

"Okay, kid, seriously you are making me uncomfortable," Clint said in all seriousness. "You need to stop or I will fire a Taser arrow at your butt."

Peter raised an eyebrow at the man, "Is that all you're going to do to my butt?" Three pillows from three different directions all smacked the teen in the face, as soon as that comment passed his lips.

"Not in front of Gramps," Tony called, "you're going to give him a heart attack."

"Thanks, Tony…" Steve rolled his eyes.

"Also, be watchful for electric flying projectiles." Clint whispered into the teen's ear, "There will be plenty coming your way."

Peter looked smug. "Bring it on sweet cheeks." He whispered back. The teen saw the Captain shake his head to himself from the corner of his eye.

A beat of silence passed, most the Avengers were eyeing Peter's bouncing leg, his head bobbing to a non-existent tune, no wait, scratch that, he was now humming what sounded like Heathens by Twenty-One Pilots to himself.

Steve placed his coffee down on the table, "You enjoying your drink there, son?" He asked.

Peter's head snapped up as his humming stopped, the teen blinked at the man before nodding. "Yep." He popped the P at the end of the word. "Cappuccinos and Frappuccinos are my favorite." He told Steve as he slurped on his drink once again. His left hand now tapping the tune of the song on his knee.

"What's the difference?" Steve asked.

Peter hummed, "A Frappuccino is kind of like coffee ice cream." He told the older. "S'why it's delicious," he went on. "cuze it tastes nothing like coffee." The teen glanced at Tony with the last part of the sentence and promptly got flipped off.

Peter laughed as he grabbed a Danish of his own, his foot wiggling uncontrollably, but he didn't seem to notice. "You like ice cream, Cap?" He asked around a mouth full of food.

Steve raised an unimpressed eyebrow at the lack of manors but let it go without comment. "Yes, there used to be a small ice cream parlor a few blocks from where I lived as a kid, Buck and I would go there every third Sunday." He told Peter.

The teen nodded, ripping off another bite from his pastry. "Your favorite flavor wouldn't happen to be butter pecan would it?" He asked.

Steve glanced over at the boy, "And if it was?" He asked right back.

"Oh my god," Peter's eyes glimmered. "Is it?" He asked excitedly.

Steve smiled into his coffee, "I will not dignify that with a response."

"It is!" The teen flapped a hand excitedly as he turned to Clint "Did you know that?" He asked the Archer.

Clint glared at the teen. "I am still not talking to you." He told Peter.

Peter's nose scrunched up at the Archer, before he turned to Tony, "You were right Tony, Cap is a grandpa."

Tony smirked, "That's because I'm always right." He said before taking a sip of his coffee, "But I am glad that you finally see what I see. Under all that muscle is just a frail old man."

"My whole view of Cap has drastically changed forever," Peter said as he turned back to Steve. Who was squinting at him, the man slowly brought up his hand and ever so lightly flicked Peter on the nose; Peter raised an amused eyebrow. "Didn't take you for the corporal punishment type, Cap. But I guess you old timers are set in your ways."

Steve raised a shocked eyebrow, "Would you like to see actual corporal punishment, son?" the blond asked.

Peter spit into his drink, choking slightly before falling into a fit of laughter. "Oh god," he said in between huffs of laughter, "If Captain America said that to mean, say, like a year ago, I think I would have peed my pants."

Steve stayed silent, plastering a serious face on. "Who said I was joking?" He deadpanned.

Peter's laughter abruptly cut off before his head cocked to the side in question. Everyone waited for his response as the teen turned so he could look Steve in the eye. Peter in a very sure of himself voice, then said "You wouldn't." his eyes narrowing. "Besides, the only one who gets to touch this firm ass is Clint."

Everyone groaned at the same time, face palming as they all moaned in despair. Because, teenagers…(Yeah, that was it) Teenagers…

"Do you see," Tony exclaimed. "This, this is why you don't give an already snarky hyperactive teenager caffeine. Bad things happen, bad things."

"Oh, no one wants to hear from you Mrs. Stark." Peter told Tony.

Tony stared shocked at the younger, "Did-did you just say what I think you said?" The billionaire asked.

Peter feigned contemplativeness tapping his chin as he looked to the ceiling. "Would you prefer to be called Iron Woman instead?" He asked back.

Tony grumbled something that shall not be said under his breath before turning to Clint, "Barton, I need to borrow a few of your Taser arrows."

Clint hummed, "We shall plan later."

"Ooo!" Peter bounced in place, raising a hand up and waving it around like a high school student would do. "Can I come?" He asked, "I love planning assassination attempts." He told them.

"No." Clint deadpanned, his arms crossed.

"And it will not be an attempt, it will succeed!" Tony said at the same time.

"Rude," Peter told them as he shoved the last of his food in his mouth. "Fine, then you guys can't plan world domination with me." He told them in a light tone.

"Can I join you?" Steve asked.

Peter shrugged playing with the string of his hoodie. "Sure," He said. "every functioning society needs an old wise man." Steve did not look amused.

"How do you plan to take over the world exactly?" Sam asked the teen.

Peter pursed his lips in thought for a moment. "Ehe, there are a few kinks to be worked out. But I'll just call all the spiders and have them do my bidding, most people will worship out of fear. Us spiders are pretty scary."

Sam gawked at him, leaving Bruce to speak up, "But you can't communicate with spiders." He told the teen as if Peter had forgotten.

Peter huffed, "I said there were a few kinks, didn't I?"

"I don't like you on coffee," Tony told the teen. "You're mean."

Peter shrugged, his fingers still tapping the beat of Heathens. "I'm just joking around. Gosh, women are such gentle creatures."

Natasha kicked the teen lightly. Peter smiled sheepishly up at her, rubbing at the back of his neck, "I didn't mean you, Nat."

"As long as we are clear."

"I just meant that Mrs. Stark over there is a soft soul."

"Hey!"

"Shh. You're making a scene ma'am."

"You brat, I'm-I'm…Steve, do something to the little snot."

"I have to agree with Peter here. You are very emotionally unstable as of the moment."

"You are all kicked out of the Tower. I expect you to be out by the end of the month."

"What why all of us?!" Sam asked indigently.

Tony huffed, "Because you all take the kids side."

Bruce sipped calmly on his tea. "Name another time we have taken his side over yours."

"Alright," Tony went on. "How about last time we let the kid have coffee."

"We did not take his side."

"He webbed me up…To the ceiling fan…" Tony deadpanned. "And left me to spin around in circles for an hour." Tony's face was set in a glare. "And you all sat and watched when you found me…"

Everyone burst into laughter then. Tony glared into his coffee, but it was all show. "You were fine." Clint told him, swiping a tear from his eye. "Thor got you down…after a while…"

Tony shot the Archer a glare, causing the man to wince. Peter leaned up to whisper loudly to Clint, "Don't get on her bad side." He said.

"You know what?" Tony snapped at the teen, "No more lab for you, you are no longer a science bro. I have disowned you as a science bro…There it's done."

Peter glanced to him and then to Bruce, "Bruce?" He asked, "Wanna leave Tony for me?" He asked.

Bruce gave a small smirk, pushing his glasses up his nose. "I would Peter, but Tony has all the equipment and means while you sadly, do not."

Peter nodded. "I understand…"

The group fell silent for a moment before a smirk spread over Peter's face and he turned to Clint. "Clint, I know we've been fighting a lot lately." The teen started. "But since I am no longer a science bro, there is nothing keeping me tied down." Peter shifted so one of his hands could rest on Clint's knee. "We could run away together." He said in his most sincere voice. "So, I guess what I'm trying to say sweet cheeks, is…If you begged and groveled a little, I might be willing to take you back."

Clint without a word poured what was left of his lukewarm coffee on the teen's head.

Peter yelped as he jumped up, brown coffee dripping down his bangs and onto his face. "Ooo, it is on Barton." He spoke.

Clint stood then, "What'er'ya gonna do kid?" He taunted as he looked down at the teen. "What are you-" The man's sentence was cut off as a 'thwip' sounded. Clint slowly looked down feeling the sticky substance covering his hand.

"Did you just web my hand to my ass?" He asked slowly.

Peter crossed his arms, wiggling his eyebrows at the taller man. "Yep." He popped the P again. "To quote you, "What'er'ya gonna do" Barton?" Peter rolled on the balls of his feet, his arms crossed.

"I suggest you run." Clint ground out. Peter sprang over the couch with a giggle, before shutting himself in the bathroom, to probably deal with the coffee in his hair and dripping on his clothes

Clint tried to sit back down but it was tricky with a hand glued to his butt. Natasha stole his Danish, her eyebrows raising in a challenge as he glared at her. Clint stared at her for a moment before huffing and turning away.

"I think Jolly'ol Jameson was right," Clint said as he finally gave up and just sat on his hand. "That kid is a menace." There were murmurs of agreement and nods of consent from everyone, including the other people in the cafe.

Thor stood then, grabbing his hammer, and walking away. "Thor?" Steve called wondering what the man was doing.

"I feel that we could all use a break from Peter's shenanigans for the time being," Thor answered. The thunder god then placed his unmovable hammer in front of the bathroom door and sat back down by Tony.

"All who agree Peter shouldn't be allowed caffeine, say 'aye'," Clint called.

"Aye."

"So it's unanimous then."

"Agreed."

"No more coffee for the spiderling."

"Never."

"Good."

"Hey guys," Peter called, as the door handle to the bathroom jiggled. "I think something's blocking the door from opening."

Don't look at me..!

This is 4742 words of pure nothingness...

I am ashamed of my life choices...

Leave me to die...