This chapter is rated "M" for a graphic description of sexual assault. Please be aware of this before you continue reading, if this type of thing triggers you or if you want to skip over it. This is the last chapter of the story. Thank you for reading.

xxx

When Olivia awakens again, her limbs are so heavy she feels like she is glued to the bed and has become one with the blankets she is swaddled in. She is so completely exhausted and spent from the night she has just had, that if the apartment were on fire right at this moment, she doesn't think she would be able to rouse herself enough to escape and is entirely lacking in the motivation to move at all.

Sometime over the last couple of hours she had unwrapped herself from the embrace of her blonde colleague and had dragged her poor body off of what had become an excruciatingly painful position on the floor, pulling Amanda up with her and tucking them both back into the bed. The smaller woman had protested vehemently at being separated from Olivia, apparently completely over her earlier aversion to being touched, so she had quickly taken the small detective back into her arms once they were snuggled under the covers together and Amanda had fallen right back to sleep.

Olivia cracks one bleary brown eye halfway open and notices that the sun that had awoken her earlier has disappeared again and it sounds like it is raining just as hard as it had been at the drive-in the night before, the drops hammering the bedroom window so hard she is afraid the glass is in danger of cracking. She slowly becomes aware of another sound in the room, one that is almost drowned out by the force of the rain, and Olivia's heart is suddenly breaking as she realizes that Amanda is weeping softly beside her.

She turns her head to look at the smaller woman, noticing Amanda has changed positions sometime over the past little while and is no longer tucked into her embrace but is turned away from her at the edge of the mattress, curled up into a tight little ball under the covers, the blankets almost entirely obscuring her head, a few stray strands of blonde hair that are peeking out the only indication that another person is under there. She can hear the little hitches in the other woman's breathing, like Amanda is trying to cry as quietly as she can so Olivia doesn't hear her, and she feels like she is intruding on a private moment even though they are in her own bedroom.

She lays there for several minutes, listening to the smaller woman's quiet weeping, none of the panic or terror from the night before, just broken, defeated sobs of despair, and Olivia stares up at the ceiling, her throat tight, biting down hard on her lower lip to keep her own tears at bay, but they trickle down her cheeks and dribble onto the pillow below her. Her temptation to roll over and pull her colleague back into her arms is so strong that she has to grip firmly onto her own pajama pants to stop her hands from moving, knowing Amanda just needs this time to herself while she thinks Olivia is still asleep.

After a little while Amanda is quiet again and Olivia is relieved, hoping the other woman has been able to drift back into some much-needed sleep, but then she is aware of another sound, this one much more alarming than the last, and this time she does roll over, her arms automatically reaching for the small detective. Amanda is gasping now, desperate choking sounds emanating from her throat, no longer prone beneath the covers but thrashing frantically like she is unable to take a breath, and Olivia can hear her trying to suck in a mouthful of air, a strangled cough immediately following.

"Amanda!" She quickly scrambles over to where the other woman is struggling so hard to breathe and whips the blankets aside, her alarm ratcheting up a notch when she leans over her colleague to see the chalky white pallor of her face, the beads of sweat lining her hairline, and she hauls the small detective up into her arms, cradling her in her lap much like she had in the car the night before.

"Jesus, Amanda, breathe!" she instructs, as the blonde woman twitches and writhes violently in her embrace, fingers clawing at her own throat, and Olivia doesn't think she has ever witnessed a panic attack or flashback of this magnitude before. "Sweetheart, take a breath for me, come on. It's okay, you're safe here. There's nobody here but us. Everything is fine."

Something between a whimper and a moan finds its way from between Amanda's parted lips and the smaller woman's head is lolling limply against Olivia's chest now, her hands clutching weakly onto the front of her pajama shirt.

"Come on, honey, breathe; I know you can," Olivia urges, trying as hard as possible to keep the panic from her voice, trying to keep her tone low and soothing and reassuring, as Amanda continues to struggle desperately in her arms, legs flailing and feet getting caught in the blankets. "Just breathe slowly and deeply, sweetheart. You can do it."

Amanda's hand has worked its way underneath Olivia's pajama top and is twisting the hem around in her grip and tugging on it, more choking sounds working their way out of her mouth, and Olivia grasps onto her hand with one of her own, squeezing the clenched fingers tightly. The smaller woman is groaning loudly now and Olivia thinks this is a positive sign, a better sound than the strangled gasps for air, and she continues to urge her to breathe slowly and deeply, the detective's heart galloping underneath her touch.

"Liv...help me..." Amanda wheezes, and Olivia looks down to see tears streaking her cheeks, her complexion even more ashen than before, and she quickly positions herself up against the headboard, moving the smaller woman from her cradled position so that her back is against Olivia's chest, Olivia's arms banded firmly around her stomach and her legs bent at the knee, Amanda's fingernails immediately digging painfully into the outside of her thighs.

"Okay, sweetheart, come on," Olivia says softly. "I know you can do this. Just breathe with me, okay?" She moves one of her hands up to Amanda's chest, over her heart, feeling the rapid flutter beneath her palm. "Just copy me, okay? Breathe when I breathe."

Olivia takes a slow, deep breath in and then lets it out, her other hand moving up to wipe a sweaty strand of blonde hair away from the other woman's face, as she feels Amanda struggling to do as she says. Her colleague's arms are wrapped around Olivia's bent knees now, holding on tightly, her head thrusting back against her chest as she tries to take in a breath, and Olivia peers down at her to see her eyes clenched shut, her mouth wide open, tears seeping out from beneath her long lashes.

"Oh, honey," she murmurs, feeling her own tears welling up again at the sight of the other woman's intense distress, and she stubbornly blinks them back. "Just keep trying, okay? Breathe when I breathe," she repeats.

"I...can't..." Amanda whimpers, her arms clutched so tightly around Olivia's legs now, pulling them so close her body that Olivia can feel her knees digging into the smaller woman's ribs. She tries to pull away slightly so she doesn't hurt the blonde detective, but Amanda only holds on more forcefully. A panicked sob bursts from the other woman's throat and she turns her head to look imploringly up at Olivia, tears spilling from her big blue eyes. "Liv, help me," she begs. "I can't make it stop! Please...help me..."

"You can," Olivia assures her softly, a tight feeling in chest, her throat closing up on her own sob as she stares down into Amanda's desperate gaze, and again she has to force herself to stay calm, trying to slow her racing heart because she knows the smaller woman can feel it and she needs Amanda to trust that Olivia will be her anchor and won't fall apart, that everything will be fine, that she is safe here. "You can make it stop. I know it feels like you can't, but you can. You can breathe."

"I can't," Amanda whispers, but Olivia feels the fierce grip around her knees loosen slightly.

"You can," she says again, this time more firmly. "I know it doesn't seem like it, but you're in control of the situation, Amanda. It's not controlling you."

She hears the small snort of derision from the other woman, and lets out a slight sigh, relieved to see a tiny spark of Amanda's usual attitude, hoping the detective will begin to emerge from this frightening state soon and that the claws of anxiety are finally loosening their hold on her. She leans down to wipe the tears from the other woman's face with her hand and feels Amanda grasp onto it as she is pulling away, holding Olivia's hand to her chest with both of her own, bowing her head and pressing her forehead against their joined hands.

Olivia strokes the fingers of her other hand through the blonde mess of hair in front of her, slipping down to squeeze the back of Amanda's neck gently, still feeling the smaller woman's heart racing against her, listening to the ragged intakes of breath and shaky exhalations. She realizes that although Amanda seems to be breathing a little easier now, she is shuddering violently in her embrace, her entire body shaking with the force of her trembling, and Olivia wraps her arms more firmly around her, reminding her gently to keep breathing and that she is safe.

After several minutes, it is completely silent in the room again, the only sound the harsh force of the rain beating against the window. Amanda is curled up in a fetal position in her lap now, head sagging heavily against Olivia's chest, eyes closed, breathing with ease once again but body still quaking with the aftermath of such an intense panic attack, and Olivia can feel the sudden small twitches in the other woman's limbs from time to time. She is rocking the smaller woman slowly from side to side, having leaned back against the pillows and tucked the blankets back around them, feeling slightly more relaxed about the situation now.

"Are you okay?" she finally asks in a soft voice, after the silence has stretched on for so long, she is not even sure if Amanda is awake anymore.

"Hmm," is the murmured response, and Olivia is not sure how to interpret this, so she caresses a hand gently over the blonde woman's cheek to try to rouse her from her anxiety-induced stupor.

"Hey there," she says in a low tone. "How are you doing, sweetheart?"

"I've been better," Amanda whispers, and Olivia's heart aches for her.

"What happened, honey?" she asks, stroking her hand through the smaller woman's long tangled hair again. "What brought this on so suddenly?"

It is silent for a moment and she feels Amanda shrug against her. "I don't know."

"You don't know? Or you don't want to tell me?" Olivia questions lightly.

Her colleague shrugs again, curling up into a tighter ball in her embrace, head pushed against Olivia's chest, one hand coming up to cover her eyes.

"Hey," Olivia says quietly, gently pulling the smaller woman's hand away from her face. "What's going on in your head, honey?"

"A lot of things," Amanda murmurs.

"Oh, yeah? What kind of things?" Olivia asks softly.

"I'm a failure," the other woman says abruptly.

"What?" Olivia asks in surprise. "Why would you say that?"

"You know why," Amanda mutters. "Because I couldn't keep my self destructive urges under control. And now I'm right back at square one."

"Oh, honey, I'm sorry," Olivia replies, rocking her back and forth again for a moment. "I know it must be awful for you to have relapsed but you'll get back on your feet again. You'll get through it. There are a lot of people willing to help you."

"I don't deserve to be helped," the other woman states firmly, and Olivia frowns, trying to pull Amanda away from her chest to look her in the eye, but her colleague won't budge from her position and just covers her face with her hands again.

"Why?" she asks sternly. "Why don't you deserve it?"

"Because...because I can't get over what happened," Amanda murmurs.

"What?" Olivia's brow wrinkles in confusion. "Honey, I still don't know exactly what happened to you. And you don't deserve help because you can't get over it? Amanda, listen to what you're saying, sweetheart. That doesn't even make any sense. From what I've seen since last night, this is obviously not something you are just going to be able to put behind you right away. And why do you need to get over it so quickly? Whatever it was only happened last week, sweetheart. You're still trying to process everything."

"I need to get over it because it was practically nothing, okay?" Amanda spits out vehemently. "It was done within the span of a few minutes. It wasn't that bad, Liv, really. I was free to go home afterwards, I didn't even need medical attention, I took care of the injuries myself. These cases we've had lately, all these kids, the ones who didn't make it..." She trails off for a moment. "What right do I have to complain when there are so many people going through so much worse? I'm acting like it's the end of the goddamn world just because some asshole assaulted me in a back alley while I was drinking and smoking and gambling away every cent to my name because I can't handle the cases we've had lately, the job I've been doing for years, the fucking terrible things that I can't get out of my head. Liv, these victims that we see every single day, they have it so much worse than I ever will; they're so young and innocent and didn't put themselves in these situations."

"So you deserved it then?" Olivia snaps, feeling that same anger from earlier rising inside her again, and trying to tamp it down, knowing Amanda doesn't need her to be emotional right now and just needs her to listen. "Remember when I asked if you would tell a victim it was their fault because they were drinking or gambling? Well, let me ask you something else, Amanda. Would you tell someone to just get over it because it happened quickly, because it 'barely counts' as you said last night? So what if it was over and done with in the span of a few minutes? You can't compare pain, Amanda. Just because the victims we deal with everyday have been through terrible things, it doesn't mean what happened to you doesn't matter."

Amanda's breath catches in a sob, and Olivia leans down to press her cheek against the smaller woman's. "You're allowed to feel whatever you need to feel," she whispers. "Stop trying to minimize it. And stop saying you deserved what happened and you don't deserve help because of your relapse. One thing has nothing to do with the other, Amanda."

"But it does," the other woman says softly. "If I had just stayed home that night, he never would have...he never would have done that. I couldn't even stay sober long enough to get through the gambling because I knew that what I was doing was so wrong. I couldn't get through it without a cigarette..." She takes a deep breath. "He shoved me face first into the wall, Olivia. My cigarette scraped across the bricks and fell right out of my mouth. My face was only saved from hitting the wall because he had one of his disgusting hands wrapped around my hair, yanking it back. But I was wearing this skimpy little dress, very low cut, and my chest got all scratched up. I had no idea what had even happened. I was just standing out there having a quick smoke, lost in my own thoughts, and he was suddenly there. I didn't even see him. It was pouring that night and I was trying to stay out of the rain, and all of a sudden I was pushed up against the wall and I was completely drenched and his fingers were..."

Olivia's heart is breaking as her colleague trails off and she looks down at the woman in her arms, Amanda suddenly trying to twist out of her embrace, her mouth dragging down in another sob. She holds onto the small detective tightly, feeling the violent shaking start up again.

"Sweetheart, please just tell me," she whispers. "Just get it out."

"Don't look at me, Liv," Amanda pleads, hiding her face again. "Please. I can't say this with you staring at me like that."

"Okay," Olivia says softly. "I won't look at you. But can I still hold you while you tell me?" Her stomach is twisted up in knots and her heart is pounding in a sickly rhythm, and there is actually a tiny part of her that wants Amanda to stop talking; that this is her colleague and friend saying these words to her, a woman she has worked with for several years and has come to care about very much confessing these terrible things, and even though she has done this kind of thing everyday for nearly two decades, has listened to victims spill their darkest secrets and comforted them, this is somehow different. They are in her own home, in her own bed, and the younger woman is siting in her lap and has been clutching onto her like Olivia is her lifeline, and it makes this situation much more difficult, more intimate, more personal.

Amanda nods her consent at being held and curls up onto her side in Olivia's embrace, knees to her chest, her head bowed, blonde hair obscuring her face now, hands clutching onto the arm that Olivia has wrapped around her chest, Olivia's other hand rubbing soothing circles over her back as she continues to speak.

"He was just behind me all of a sudden, his knee between my legs, forcing them apart, his body pressed up against mine, his other disgusting hand over my mouth so I couldn't say anything or...or breathe..."

Olivia feels the shaking grow worse, hears a gasping breath, the other woman's heart beating furiously through the pajama shirt she is wearing, and she rubs her back more firmly, trying to ground Amanda with her touch. "It's okay, sweetheart, you're safe," she whispers. "You're not there anymore, you're safe in my apartment. You're warm and dry and you can breathe. No one is hurting you."

She sees Amanda nod again and listens to the shaky intake of breath. "Before I knew what he was doing, before I could make him stop, his hand was underneath my dress, pushing my underwear aside and his fingers were...they were inside me..."

Olivia hears the other woman's slight gag, and pulls her tighter against her chest, biting down hard on her own lip, urging her softly to keep talking.

"He was drunk and sloppy and rough, and his hands were everywhere, his fingers were in both places down there, digging in so hard...I could smell the alcohol on his breath, could taste the grotesque skin of his hand that was against my mouth. He hurt me, it hurt a lot, actually. He was so rough..."

"Oh, Amanda," Olivia murmurs, swallowing down a lump in her throat and holding the smaller woman impossibly closer as she trails off again. "Do you need a break?" she asks quietly, expecting her colleague to nod, but she is surprised when Amanda shakes her head and starts speaking again.

"He kept muttering all these filthy things into my ear, that I was a slut and a whore and I was asking for it because of what I was wearing. He said he'd seen me inside the club and couldn't keep his eyes off of me...that it was his friend who had pointed me out to him. He said I was making him angry because I wasn't wet enough and that it was my fault that he couldn't get it up because I wasn't turning him on enough. He was mad that I was making him do this in an alley, like we were animals."

Olivia hears the half laugh, half sob that falls from Amanda's throat.

"I couldn't even see him, Liv. It was pitch dark and pouring rain and we were in this tiny alley between buildings. I had no idea what he looked like, just that he was big and heavy and he smelled bad and I couldn't get him off of me. Before I knew what was happening, he had turned me around and was pushing my back into the bricks. I could feel my skin getting all scratched up again. And then he was..." Amanda stops talking again and Olivia hears another gag, is aware of the other woman's hand pressed against her mouth briefly before she takes a deep breath and keeps talking. "He was kneeling down in front of me and he was pushing my dress up, pulling my underwear aside again...he said I wasn't wet enough and he was going to help me out..."

Olivia is feeling nauseous herself now and she closes her eyes, her lips parting to ask her colleague to stop speaking, to say that she is the one who needs the break, even though Amanda had been the one to suffer through it, but she is resolute in listening, in letting the smaller woman finally get it all out and hopefully begin to start healing.

"His mouth was on me down there, his tongue...and I had my hands in his hair, pulling as hard as I could to get his face away from me, and it made him mad. He said again that it was my fault that he couldn't get it up, that we shouldn't be doing this in an alleyway in the pouring rain, like I was the one who had initiated it and was forcing him to do these things." Olivia hears the sudden sharp intake of breath and glances down at the blonde woman quickly before glancing away again, remembering what Amanda had said earlier about not looking at her. "But then he said it was okay, that it didn't matter, because his friend was bringing the car around...and then we could all do it in the backseat, out of the rain..."

It is quiet for a long moment and Olivia has her eyes closed again, holding the trembling woman as tightly as she can against her body, and she thinks that Amanda is done, but then her colleague speaks again, her tone so low Olivia has to strain to hear her. "When he said that, Liv, I've never been more terrified in my life...I was so drunk, I couldn't even fight this one guy off, let alone two. And if they had gotten me into that car...I honestly don't know what would have happened." Amanda is quaking and shivering in her arms and Olivia can hear her teeth chattering together. "But before his friend could show up, he got spooked. All of a sudden there was all this screaming in the alley; a couple must have come out of the club because they were fighting and yelling at each other. I have no idea what they were screaming about, but whatever it was might have saved my life. The guy took off and left me there alone."

Amanda looks up at her now, tears gathered in the corners of her big blue eyes, her lips twisted into a bitter parody of a grin. "Some cop I am, huh? I didn't take any precautions whatsoever before going outside, I didn't even bother to try to chase after him when it was over, to try to catch him, to see if I could catch sight of the car that he said was coming for me, if I could get a license plate number..."

"Amanda, stop," Olivia says softly, shaking her lightly. "Don't do this, you need to stop blaming yourself."

The smaller woman sounds slightly incredulous when she continues speaking. "Do you know the whole thing only lasted a few minutes, Liv? It felt like hours, it felt like it was never going to end. I got a text right after it happened and when I looked down at my phone, I couldn't believe what time it was, that hardly any time at all had elapsed, that everything had changed in the space of just a few minutes..."

"Oh honey, I am so sorry," Olivia whispers, blinking rapidly to keep her own tears from falling. "What happened afterwards? Did you go just go home?"

Amanda nods. "Yeah...I was okay, Liv, it wasn't that bad. There wasn't really any evidence. It was pouring rain and I was soaked. I was bleeding a little bit afterwards and I had all those scratches but that was it. The rain was washing everything away while it was happening and after it was over; it was as if I had taken an instant shower. It was easy to take care of things at home. And I hadn't even gotten a look at him. To this day, I still can't see him clearly in my head. He's just a ghost. He was there and then he wasn't. It was so fast, it's almost like it didn't happen. Sometimes I actually think I just imagined the whole thing. I should just get over it."

"Amanda, stop," Olivia says, her tone sharp now. "What you just described to me is absolutely horrific and I am so sorry you had to go through that. What happened to you matters, honey. What you were wearing or doing or how you reacted or what other people have been through is irrelevant; it doesn't make it any less terrible, it doesn't make it any less real." She grits her teeth for a moment, trying not to remind her colleague yet again that she already knows all of this, that the rules don't apply only to the victims they deal with.

Amanda is silent for a moment before she speaks again. "I know what I did was wrong, Olivia. I should have gotten medical attention, I should have reported it. But I didn't even have a description of him. And for all I know, he was lying and there was no friend, there was no car. I was so drunk and so completely stunned by what had just happened, that I couldn't wrap my head around it. I went home and took a shower and went to bed. I didn't move from my bed for the entire weekend and then I just came into work on Monday morning like nothing happened. But then last night..." She trails off. "Last night, it reminded me of that night. It was pouring rain again and I was in a car with two men, even though those men are my co-workers, my friends, my boys. I love them both, Liv, I love my whole squad. You guys are my family and I know you would never hurt me, but it didn't seem to matter. I was just so scared. I know it's stupid."

"It's not stupid, sweetheart," Olivia whispers, pressing a kiss to the top of the smaller woman's bowed head. "It's not stupid at all."

There is another beat of silence before the younger woman speaks again. "Thank you for listening to me, Liv," Amanda says faintly. "I'm sure that wasn't easy to hear."

"I will always listen to you, Amanda, no matter what it is that you need to say," Olivia replies softly. "Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me."

It is quiet in the room again as they continue to hold onto one another, the rain sounding softer against the window now, and Olivia is hopeful that the sun will make a return appearance soon. She wants the bright rays to light up the room, to wash out the darkness of the past week. She is preoccupied with her thoughts, her mind whirling around the terrible details of Amanda's ordeal, knowing that it is highly unlikely that this man will ever be caught, but hoping that her colleague will agree to at least try; to try to get justice for herself, to try to see this person punished.

If Amanda was standoffish during the night about being touched, she is the complete opposite now, even after revealing what she had been through, and is clinging so tightly to Olivia that she can barely draw in a breath, is seemingly so desperate for comfort after being so alone during everything that has happened recently, and Olivia clings back just as tightly. They sit there wrapped up in one another and Olivia's throat feels tight again, that need to cry for the woman in her arms, for the acute pain that continues to radiate off of her colleague after her confession, and she bites her lip, trying to swallow the tears back.

"Sorry, Liv," Amanda suddenly whispers, and she can feel the smaller woman's hand stroking gently down her forearm. "I know I've upset you."

"You didn't upset me, sweetheart," Olivia replies softly. "You didn't do anything at all, okay? Don't you worry about it. All you need to do now is concentrate on getting back on your feet, on getting some help, and moving forward."

"You're not going to catch him, Liv," the blonde detective whispers, and Olivia feels her heart clench inside her chest, knowing she is probably right.

"Amanda, I'm not going to lie to you, the odds are probably pretty slim," she says honestly. "But we can at least try. Will you let us do that? Will you let us try?"

There is a brief moment of silence again and Olivia can feel the hesitation wrapping around the other woman, can practically hear the "no" that is waiting to come out of her mouth, but then she feels a light nod against her, hears a faint reply of "yes" and she smiles slightly, hugging Amanda closer to her.

xxx

Later in the day when they are sitting in Olivia's living room with Fin and Carisi, Amanda haltingly sharing the details of that terrible night with her teammates, her hand tucked firmly into Olivia's, the steady rain finally begins to abate, the sun emerging from behind the clouds, casting its beaming rays into the apartment. Olivia gives a protective, reassuring squeeze to the fingers that are laced through her own and feels Amanda squeeze back, a tendril of hope blooming inside, that even if this man is never caught, they are at least doing everything they possibly can to help their colleague and friend heal and move forward.

Fin and Carisi's heads are bent together and they are murmuring quietly to each other, discussing the details of Amanda's case, when Olivia feels the smaller woman pull away from her for a moment, turning to the side to pick something up, and then sees her phone light up silently on the couch beside her. She frowns and leans over to retrieve it, reading the brief message from the blonde woman, the corner of her lip turning up slightly.

"Thank you for helping me, Olivia."

She reaches out to squeeze her colleague's hand again, meeting the younger woman's grateful, trusting gaze with her own, and she can see that tiny spark, that sliver of hope in the blonde woman's eyes that things might be turning around, that the future is perhaps not as bleak as she had once feared, that she is no longer alone with her pain.

Olivia squeezes her hand one last time, smiling softly at her, before quickly typing in her response.

"You're welcome, Amanda."