This is the last chapter of the story. I wanted to say a massive THANK YOU for all of the reviews, favorites, follows, and private messages; they are very much appreciated and I find them very inspiring! :)
xxx
Amanda is sitting on the curb outside of her apartment building, chilled to the bone and shivering violently in the harsh winter cold. She has just come from the gym and is waiting impatiently for Olivia to arrive home from the precinct, the older woman running late, as usual. Her colleagues have been drowning under the normal pileup of cases at work, along with attending the ongoing trials of the men implicated in the ring of child sex abuse the previous fall, resulting in even later nights than usual for Olivia, and she is very eager to spend some much-needed quality time with the woman she loves.
The last couple of hours at the gym had left her sweaty and boiling hot, both from the intense physical exertion and the mix of pride and anxiety she had experienced while sparring with a member of the opposite sex in her boxing class without having to duck into the bathroom to have a private meltdown afterwards. This is the first time she has been able to control herself so well in that kind of situation; the familiar panic simmering just below the surface but not exploding, and eventually melting away entirely as she had changed out of her workout clothes in the locker room afterwards. Amanda had been desperate for some relief from the heat and was relieved to step outside into the cold, but the perspiration has since dried on her skin, leaving her a shivering little ball of quaking limbs, and she tucks her arms and legs closer to her body, curling into herself for warmth. Throwing a quick glance toward the door, she spots the interior of the harshly lit lobby just beyond the glassed-in windows, beckoning with its promise of warmth and safety.
Amanda intends to stay out here while she awaits Olivia's arrival, though, instead of seeking the comfort and security of her apartment. She is very aware of the alleyway right behind her, the shadowy darkness visible in her peripheral vision as she inclines her head to the side, both keeping a watch for her boss and monitoring the comings and goings of her fellow New Yorkers and tourists as people bustle by her on the sidewalk. No one is lingering for long in this brutal cold, as the city seems to be stuck in a perpetual deep-freeze even though spring is nearly upon them now. She is ready to hop up from the curb at a second's notice if she spots any kind of suspicious activity within the narrow murky depths between the buildings, but if everything remains as it has been since she has arrived home, normal and nothing out of the ordinary, she will stay right where she is, determined to ignore those unseen monsters that linger not in the alley itself but only in her head.
It is midway through the evening on Friday, just over a month after the assault on the young woman outside of the bar, and Amanda has been challenging herself more and more as the days have gone by to do things outside of her comfort zone, to not let herself fall any further than she already has, and surprisingly she has risen to the challenge each and every single time, not sliding backwards at all but continuing to creep forward with slow but steady progress. She has chosen not to hide herself away when it comes to doing normal things like waiting for her girlfriend outside of their building, instead of fleeing indoors before anyone has a chance to hurt her. Amanda intends to continue on in this fashion until everything is exactly as it should be, confident in the fact that she is much closer than she has ever been before, and secure in the knowledge that her long break from work is finally winding to a close. She had just found out that afternoon that there has been a specific date set for her return to the precinct and that she will be reunited with her colleagues in a few short weeks. She will be starting off doing light desk duty on a part-time basis, but is ecstatic that there is not much time left until she is back where she belongs, doing what she was born to do, and is no longer melting down on a regular basis in Olivia's presence, the older woman forced time and time again to pick up the shattered pieces of Amanda's sanity.
She knows that Olivia doesn't mind, that there is only worry and love and concern when Amanda falls apart, finally in firm belief that there is no resentment whatsoever on the other woman's part, the fear that she is keeping Olivia from a regular life free of Amanda's nightmares and anxiety and flashbacks dissipating, but she wants this for herself; needs to know that she is capable of existing somewhat normally and can weather the challenges of life on her own, no matter how big or small they are. Amanda has not had one pill since she had slipped up with her medication a few weeks ago, and true to her word, had thrown out every last one before even speaking to her doctors on the subject. Olivia had not been entirely pleased with the situation, continuing to insist that Amanda talk to her doctors first, but had come around when she had realized how serious Amanda was in moving forward without anything that had the potential to develop into yet another addiction. She is aware of the possibility that she has jumped to conclusions over what had happened with the anti-anxiety medication on that terrible night, but for now at least, Amanda does not want to tempt fate and is as resolute at refusing any type of pill as she is at staying away from gambling and alcohol.
She has had several conversations throughout the ensuing weeks with different doctors and therapists and fellow addicts at both the PTSD program and her Gamblers Anonymous meetings, and everyone has been supportive and understanding with her breakdown the previous month and her decision to continue forward with only the talk-therapy, and she has been more content with the way things have been going since then. There have still been no breaks in the case and Amanda is deeply bothered by this, her thoughts remaining fixed on her fellow victim a good chunk of the time, but she is determined to keep pushing forward regardless of what ends up happening. Whether one suspect or perhaps two are caught today, if they are caught next month, or are never caught at all, she is remaining firmly entrenched in her journey forward and doing a much better job of keeping the nightmares and anxiety and flashbacks at bay.
She and Olivia are going out tonight; dinner at a fancy restaurant, followed by seeing the newest comedy at the movie theater, to celebrate the news of Amanda's impending return to work and the gradual winding down of her PTSD treatment. There will still be therapy appointments for quite some time to come, but the intensity and frequency of the different programs and activities will be soon be coming to a close, to allow her more time at the precinct as she slowly works her way back to her normal full-time job, including field work. She is more than ready for a new schedule now, and looking forward to spending her days the way she has always been meant to, Fin and Carisi seemingly just as thrilled by her return as she herself is, as they have both been texting her non-stop lately, and the prospect of spending more time with her boys fills her with joy.
Amanda is determined to have a proper night out with the woman she loves, and has already planned what she is going to wear, having bought a new dress for the occasion to surprise Olivia with. She doesn't care how cold it is outside or that she had experienced some of her most acute and excruciating panic attacks and flashbacks the last time she had tried to wear a dress to the movie theater. She is in a much better place now and is confident and determined that the previous events will not repeat themselves this time, not to mention how eager she is for Olivia to see her in the new outfit. She is proud of the way her body looks now, the time at the gym and attention to diet paying off in so many different ways, and it is a relief to look in the mirror and actually be able to recognize the reflection of the woman staring back at her; the haunted, pale, gaunt woman of the past being slowly having been replaced by the person she is now.
Her impatience level is steadily increasing as she waits, eager to get their evening started and have some lighthearted fun with her boss, and she cranes her neck, hoping to spot Olivia within the crowd, but the older woman is still nowhere to be seen. Their relationship has been becoming increasingly more serious lately, as Amanda has continued on in the right direction with her recovery, and they have started some tentative talks about their future together, once she is settled back in at the precinct. They have discussed the possibility of moving out of Amanda's small apartment at some point, and finding a place more permanent, like a house with a yard, just in case they decide to get a dog or another kind of pet. Amanda has begun mentioning how nice it would be to have a furry friend around to help her cope with the extreme loneliness she still feels whenever Olivia is absent; whether the older woman is at work for hours on end or has just gone out to do an errand that will only take a very short amount of time, that emptiness is always lingering when she is not there, and Amanda has come to find that she despises being alone for any length of time now, even though she was so used to it before the assault had occurred, and had actually enjoyed the time to herself. She still craves that physical and emotional closeness with Olivia, and even though she is very used to their routine now, and she knows she will be rejoining her at work soon, it is still quite difficult for her to be without the other woman for any length of time.
When several more minutes have passed and Amanda has lost feeling in various parts of her body due to the frigid temperature, she decides that she will have to wait for Olivia in the lobby, the desperate urgency for some warmth trumping the need to prove to herself that she can sit in front of the alleyway without having a meltdown. She has struggled partway to her feet, joints stiff and painful from sitting on the freezing cold curb, that impatient feeling threatening to explode, when she hears her name being called out of the darkness and looks up to see Olivia rushing over to her with a worried expression on her face.
"Honey, what are you doing out here?" the older woman asks, tone tinged with confusion and concern, as she bends down to help Amanda to her feet, wrapping a firm arm around her waist and guiding her quickly toward the door of their building.
A smile had begun to play on Amanda's frozen lips as soon as she had caught sight of the woman she loves, and that smile is now threatening to continue stretching across her face until it bursts into a silly grin, so grateful for Olivia's return to their home and excited about the prospect of getting to spend more of their days together in the very near future. Her extreme reactions and emotions toward Olivia still amuse and confound her somewhat, and she doesn't think she will ever stop missing the other woman when she is gone; that overwhelming love and passion and need never ceasing to exist or even dwindle at all, and she is still amazed from time to time at her depth of feeling for Olivia, as it has far surpassed anything she has ever known in her life. It still has the ability to take her breath away with the knowledge that the other woman feels the exact same way, and that she has never been so loved or cherished or well taken care of in her entire life.
As they wait for the elevator on the ground floor, Olivia seems just as impatient as Amanda had been, jabbing her finger repeatedly into the button while Amanda remains tucked against her side, trying to burrow into the taller woman's body for warmth. "You didn't tell me why you were outside," she says, squeezing Amanda's hip with one hand and keeping the other hand over the button as if it will make the elevator move more quickly. "We need to get you upstairs and warmed up."
"I was hot from the gym," Amanda replies. "So I decided to wait for you outside. I needed some fresh air."
"Fresh air that's so cold, it's practically frozen solid?" Olivia answers wryly, and Amanda smirks in response before shuddering intensely again, wondering if she will ever be able to get warm and wanting nothing more than a steaming hot shower as soon as she gets up to the apartment.
"Liv, I'm freezing," she moans pitifully, as the elevator doors slide open in front of them and they walk into the empty cubicle together.
"Well, that's what happens when you sit outside in sub-zero temperatures," Olivia chastises gently with a slight roll of her eyes, letting go of her to press the button for their floor.
"I was just trying to prove to myself that I could do it," Amanda mumbles, teeth still chattering violently as she speaks, and she wraps her arms around herself, desperate for some warmth.
"Do what, honey?" Olivia asks with a frown.
"I wanted to sit in front of that alley without having a breakdown; without being scared that someone was going to come out and attack me," Amanda replies, noticing the sudden play of emotions across the other woman's face as she speaks. "And I did it," she continues, with a tremulous grin and a self-deprecating chuckle. "Well, even if I practically froze to death while doing it."
"Oh, sweetheart," Olivia says softly, fixing her with a compassionate expression. "Come here." The other woman unzips her puffy winter coat and pulls Amanda against her, bringing the sides of the large jacket around Amanda's smaller frame so that they are both engulfed in the same warm material, and she melts gratefully against her boss, laying her head on Olivia's shoulder and soaking in the heat from the taller woman's body, surrounded by that familiar and comforting scent of vanilla.
"There, is that better?" Olivia questions gently, rubbing her hands vigorously up and down Amanda's back as they stand there fused together in a tangle of limbs, and she nods against her boss' shoulder, turning her head to place her frozen lips against the side of Olivia's neck and planting a quick kiss on her soft skin as a gesture of thanks. She is startled by the sharp flinch that immediately follows this action, the other woman stiffening against her and sounding like she is trying to stifle a sudden yelp.
"Jesus, Amanda, your lips are freezing," Olivia complains, shifting subtly away from her, and Amanda grasps onto the taller woman's body tightly, not wanting to be separated now that there is finally a bit of warmth beginning to infuse her system.
"No, don't try to get away from me," she mutters, a hint of amusement in her tone as Olivia's actions seem a tad more dramatic now, the other woman trying to take a giant step backwards in the small space. "Liv, stop," she giggles, the grip around her boss becoming more firm, and she bites the inside of her cheek to contain the mischievous smile that is threatening to break loose as she untucks Olivia's blouse from her pants and slides her hands beneath the silky garment, icy cold fingers coming to rest on the older woman's bare skin.
Olivia lets out a strangled shriek of surprise, apparently rendered entirely speechless, and momentarily stopping in her movements to escape the situation. Amanda can't contain her laughter now, roving hands moving in wide circles around the older woman's ribs, pinching lightly with her chilled fingers, and eliciting even more of the undignified noises coming from her boss' mouth.
"Well, that's your punishment for trying to get away from me," she snickers gleefully, and then raises up on her tiptoes to plant a kiss on the taller woman's lips. "Let's warm each other up, okay?" she murmurs, fully expecting Olivia to back away from her again, grousing that Amanda's lips are too cold and that they shouldn't be engaging in public displays of affection in an elevator, and delighted to be proven wrong; the other woman responding immediately, the kiss deepening and quickly taking a turn towards the passionate.
"Hmm, someone's a little horny tonight," Amanda observes with pleasure, a flood of arousal spreading through her as Olivia's tongue slips into her mouth, and she hears the older woman's answering chuckle, the kiss escalating in intensity, arms locked tightly around one another, tongues sliding slickly against each other.
She is seriously contemplating pressing the emergency button to halt the elevator's movements, suddenly too impatient to even make it back up to the apartment and considering just having her way with Olivia right then and there as this seems like a much better option to increase body heat instead of just taking a hot shower, when the tiny box they are riding in jerks to an abrupt stop and the doors slide open. They pull away from each other so fast that Amanda almost loses her footing and slips, and that urge to laugh is bubbling just under the surface again when she glances over at Olivia, the older woman blushing like a school girl who has just been caught making out in a classroom by the principal. She herself is a little embarrassed as well, and can feel a hot pink flush spreading across her own cheeks as two young men enter the elevator, throwing them somewhat surprised looks, one elbowing the other and cocking his head toward them with a slight smirk.
Amanda's embarrassment quickly ratchets up to complete mortification when she realizes exactly who they are, recognizing them instantly from several months ago, when the four of them had a shared another elevator ride together and she had experienced a complete and total meltdown in front of the men, convinced that they were going to bring harm to both Olivia and herself. The situation had resulted in the men almost calling for an ambulance and she and the older woman having to vacate the premises before they had even reached their floor, kicking off one of the worst and most prolonged panic attacks she had ever endured. That was the night Olivia had given Amanda her childhood ring as her borrowed safety object to clutch onto whenever she was in distress, the older woman doing absolutely everything she could to bring her back from the edge of panic and despair.
She sidles closer to the taller woman, lacing her finger's through Olivia's and keeping her gaze fixed firmly on the floor, hoping the men won't realize who she is. There is that urge to press herself against the taller woman's body like she had the last time and bury her face into her neck; not because she is afraid this time, but because she cannot contain her shame and embarrassment at the vivid memories of how she had reacted to their presence that night.
Olivia is squeezing her fingers in quiet support and she knows her boss recognizes the two men as well. There is utter silence in the elevator now, and the blush on Amanda's cheeks is darkening rapidly as she can feel their prying sets of eyes upon her, gazes fixed right on her face with blatant curiosity. She is so acutely uncomfortable with the situation that she swings her eyes up to glare at each of them, prepared to snarl at the men for staring at her so openly and rudely, and is overcome with surprise when she notices both of the young men looking back at her with nothing but compassionate expressions on their faces.
"It's nice to see you doing so much better," one of them says sincerely, giving her a warm smile, the other nodding in agreement, and Amanda blinks in astonishment, those intense feelings of embarrassment and shame still mixing firmly together, but there is a faint hint of pride pushing its way up through the negative emotions now.
"Thank you," she mumbles, a corner of her lip lifting slightly in acknowledgment, and they both give her friendly nods in return.
It is completely silent again, and Amanda is overcome with a wave of awkwardness as she hastily averts her gaze once more, feeling Olivia's grip tighten somewhat around in her hand, and she has to stop herself from exhaling harshly in relief when the elevator finally comes to a halt on their floor. She can't escape the little box fast enough, and mutters a quick goodbye as she hurriedly exits the small area while tugging the older woman swiftly along with her, wiping a hand over her flushed cheeks when they are free and clear of the probing gazes of the young men and are striding quickly down the hall to their unit.
"Are you okay?" Olivia asks softly, as they step inside the apartment and begin removing their copious amounts of outdoor winter wear, making a pile of jackets and hats and gloves by the door.
"Well, other than practically dying of embarrassment in that elevator, I guess I'm fine," Amanda mutters, wondering if the pink blush of humiliation still staining her cheeks is going to become a permanent thing, as she cannot seem to rid herself of it.
"You should be proud of yourself, honey," the older woman says quietly, but there is a certain amount of intensity radiating from her tone as well. "You've come such a long way since last year, and people are going to take notice of it. Everyone is so proud of all the progress you have made."
"Yeah, and apparently 'everyone' includes the random guys in the elevator," Amanda grumbles dryly, rolling her eyes in self-deprecation, but that hint of gratification is still lingering just below the surface, the satisfaction of being able to do the things she had once taken for granted and not given a second thought; never having imagined in the past that something as simple as waiting for her girlfriend outside of their building or riding in an elevator with her would take so much effort and hard work and that there would be such a ridiculous amount of fanfare when she was finally able to accomplish these mundane tasks again with relative ease.
"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm also about to die of embarrassment, since those random guys in the elevator caught us making out in there like a couple of horny teenagers," Olivia chuckles, wrapping her arms around Amanda and pulling her close, and she joins in the laughter, laying her head on the taller woman's shoulder. They hold onto each other for a long moment and Amanda closes her eyes as she feels Olivia's hand gently swiping the hair back from her face, her boss' lips right next to her ear. "I know it's difficult for you to be in this situation, honey," the other woman continues softly. "I know there is a certain embarrassment factor that has come into play a lot during your recovery process, but it's okay to be proud of yourself for achieving these things. Just try to keep in mind that the small achievements are leading to the bigger ones, and that all of this hard work has paid off, now that you are returning to the precinct in a few weeks."
"Just on part-time desk duty, though," Amanda reminds her with a slight sigh.
"Yes, part-time desk duty for now," Olivia responds emphatically. "But it won't take long to work your way back up to where you left off; to be right back where you belong." She feels the older woman's arms tighten around her and is surprised when she hears the sudden swell of emotion in Olivia's voice, a trace of tears in the undertone. "And no one is more proud of you than I am." There is a fierceness mixing in with the threat of tears now, and Amanda leans back in the other woman's embrace to lock eyes with Olivia, the depth of feeling on her boss' face taking her breath away.
The older woman is staring at her with that deep soul-penetrating gaze, the only person who has ever looked at her this way, who has ever taken the time to get to know her on the deepest level possible, the only person she has ever allowed to know her on the deepest level possible, and the intimacy they share in every conceivable way is enough to induce shivers from head to toe. "I've seen firsthand what you have gone through since that night after the drive-in movies, when you told me what had happened to you," Olivia says, tone becoming a hushed whisper, but the emotions still just as strong. "I have watched the immense amount of suffering you have gone through; how you have pulled yourself back up from the darkness each and every time you slipped, even when I wasn't sure if you had the strength to do it. If I ever began to doubt your ability and tenacity, the will you have to never give up, you proved me wrong each and every time. That stubborn attitude of yours has served you very well, Amanda, because it has gotten you where you are today."
"You got me here, Liv," Amanda replies instantly, feeling overcome with her own emotions now. "I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you; if it wasn't for everything you have done for me. Who else would have dropped everything in their life to help me when I couldn't even help myself? Who else would have actually moved in with me after I admitted what had happened?" She gulps hard, struggling to keep a surge of tears at bay. "I honestly don't know what I would have done without you. You saved me, Liv."
"You saved yourself, sweetheart; I was just along for the ride," Olivia insists quietly. "You got yourself here, Amanda, and don't you forget it for a second, do you hear me? You are by far the strongest, most courageous person I have ever met, and you blow me away everyday with the will you have to keep pushing forward, to never give up despite all the setbacks you have endured. You're pretty damn incredible, you know that?"
Amanda's throat is tight as she listens to the older woman speak, again overcome with astonishment at the way other people are reacting to her progress, as if she has climbed Mount Everest instead of just trying to conquer Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but she privately admits that it has honestly felt that way sometimes; as if she has traversed the highest mountain peaks and then dropped down into the lowest valleys in search of some peace of mind, desperate to regain some semblance of control over her life. The constant ups and downs and highs and lows have been exhausting and unrelenting, a roller coaster of varying feelings and emotions, and it has been a relief to finally be on somewhat of a more even keel lately; things settling down to a point where she feels like she can breathe again and is not utterly consumed with the issues that have been plaguing her since the previous fall, when her entire world had completely shattered and she was unsure if the broken pieces of her life could ever be fully repaired again.
"Well, thanks," Amanda murmurs, swallowing hard once again at a very insistent tidal wave of emotions, and even though she is appreciative and astounded at the other woman's words, and the love she feels for her boss is overwhelming in its intensity, she is very determined to have a lighthearted night with Olivia, free from any of her lingering darkness, wanting nothing more than to celebrate her milestones without getting sucked back down into the murky shadows that continually reside in the deepest, blackest parts of her brain. "And you're pretty damn incredible yourself there, Liv," she adds softly, knowing truer words have never been spoken, and she is the luckiest person alive to have Olivia Benson as her protector and lover and soulmate.
Olivia seems to be studying her quite closely for a moment, brow slightly furrowed in thought, apparently realizing Amanda's need to keep things light for the evening, and a sudden goofy grin spreads across her face. "Tell me something I don't already know," she jokes breezily, and Amanda smiles thankfully back at her, the spell of seriousness broken between them for now.
"Well, I'm still kind of turned on," she admits with a chuckle, still feeling a little restless with pent-up desire and arousal from their interrupted elevator ride.
Olivia just shakes her head and rolls her eyes, the grin on her face widening. "I said tell me something I don't already know, Amanda," she laughs. "Is there ever a time when you're not turned on?"
"Well, when I'm around you, it's difficult not to be," she snickers, poking the other woman playfully in the ribs. "I need a shower before we go out, though, so how about we get into the tub and continue where we left off in the elevator?"
"I'll be in soon," Olivia replies, leaning down to place a quick kiss on Amanda's lips, before releasing her from her tight embrace and heading into the kitchen. "I'm just going to grab a little snack first. I've hardly had time to eat anything today."
"Well, don't eat too much, Liv," Amanda cautions, already beginning to shrug out of her clothes, tossing them carelessly to the floor and leaving a trail of messily-shed garments leading back to the bathroom. "Save some of that appetite for dinner. And don't be too long joining me in here, okay?" she adds, raising her voice slightly to be overhead above the clinking of bottles in the refrigerator. "You know I'll start without you if I have to wait too long."
"Yes, I don't doubt that for a second, Amanda," Olivia answers dryly, but there is a hint of arousal edging out the humor in her tone now, and Amanda grins in satisfaction as she removes the last of her clothing and turns on the shower, cranking the heat up as high as it will go, figuring Olivia will be joining her any minute now and they can get all the pent-up lust and desire of out of their systems before enjoying a lovely evening out.
Amanda stands under the sharp spray of the shower with her eyes squeezed shut and lets the scalding hot water rain down over her head until she is sufficiently warmed up, and then turns the temperature down slightly, as she does not wish to look like a boiled lobster when they embark on their date night. She pours a generous amount of shampoo into her palm and begins scrubbing it through her long blonde hair, that impatience beginning to spread through her system again as she wonders what is taking Olivia so long.
After she rinses the shampoo from her hair, Amanda sticks her head out from behind the shower curtain and directs her voice through the open door of the bathroom. "Liv, how long does it take to eat a little snack?" she calls out, feeling quite disgruntled now. "I need a quickie before dinner!"
"That's classy, Amanda!" the older woman calls back, and she can hear the hint of amusement in Olivia's tone, along with some shuffling sounds, and she frowns, wondering what her boss is doing and what could be more important than sharing a shower together to start off their date night. "I'll be there in a minute," Olivia adds, her voice more muffled now, and Amanda shakes her head with a sigh, picking up the bottle of conditioner from the corner of the tub.
When several more minutes have passed and she is squeaky clean and ready to vacate the shower, Olivia still not having made an appearance in the bathroom, she shuts the water off harder than necessary and quickly dries her body with a towel before combing roughly through her wet hair and wrapping herself in a robe, while sliding her feet into the monkey slippers that are waiting for her on the floor next to the bathtub. She has a feeling she is going to find Olivia on her laptop when leaves the room, the other woman getting caught up on work from the precinct even though she has just left, and she marches into the hallway, determined to put a stop to it, the usual concern that her boss is incapable of leaving the job alone when she is free and clear for the weekend mixing in with her extreme irritation.
"Olivia Benson, if I come out there to find you working on a Friday night when you just got home, I'm filing for divorce," Amanda jokingly threatens, but that frustration is blooming just beneath the surface and she clenches her jaw tightly, not wanting the nice celebratory evening she has planned for them to go downhill before it has even begun.
"Don't we have to get married first before we get divorced?" Olivia's teasing voice replies, and Amanda stops dead in her tracks, jaw dropping open in surprise, brow wrinkling in confusion.
The older woman is perched on the edge of the couch with a dog sitting patiently at her feet; what looks to be a pit bull mix, a blue and white checkered bandana tied around the animal's neck. When the canine catches sight of Amanda, she straightens up immediately and lets out a sharp bark, body quivering with excitement.
"Um...that's a dog," Amanda says stupidly, after a brief moment of perplexed silence.
"Thank you for clarifying that, honey," Olivia laughs softly. "This is Frannie Mae," she continues, stroking a hand over the dog's head, the animal's tail thumping rhythmically against the floor now.
"Okay..." Amanda trails off. "What's she doing in the apartment?"
"She's yours," Olivia replies, before quickly correcting herself. "Ours, I mean. I thought it was time to add another member to our little family."
A sudden warmth unfurls in Amanda's chest at the older woman's mention of the word 'family' and she finds her eyes rapidly welling with tears as she gazes upon Olivia and this unexpected new pet, the dog's tail hitting the floor more furiously now, and she gets down on somewhat shaky knees, the animal trotting right over to her and giving her face a friendly swipe with her tongue. "Hello there, Frannie Mae," Amanda chuckles and reaches up to give the dog a gentle pat on the head, Frannie tucking herself right into her side and settling there like she has always belonged to them.
She looks up and meets Olivia's dark gaze, a hint of tears in the other woman's eyes now as well, and they smile at each other. "Where did she come from?" Amanda whispers, voice hushed and slightly choked with emotion when she speaks.
"From a shelter," Olivia answers, reaching out to run her hand along the dog's head, her fingers tangling with Amanda's. "You know how we've been talking about the future, possibly getting a dog and a house? Well, I didn't want to overwhelm you with everything at once, especially since you're also coming back to work soon, so I thought we could start off with the dog and work our way up from there. We can take things slow."
"Well, you are the queen of taking things slow, Liv," Amanda teases gently, giving the other woman's fingers a squeeze.
Olivia smirks at her and squeezes back. "Fin and Carisi have been waiting with her in Fin's car downstairs. We picked her up right after work tonight, so that's why I was late getting home. I was going to surprise you when we got here, but I didn't expect you to be waiting outside on the curb, and I wanted to bring her up to the apartment first. I knew you were going to take a shower after the gym, so we thought that would be the perfect time to sneak her in and surprise you. That's why I couldn't join you in the tub."
A sudden thought occurs to Amanda and she finds herself blushing profusely and staring at Olivia with a hint of horror in her expression. "Please tell me the boys weren't in here when I was calling to you from the bathroom because I needed a quickie before dinner."
Olivia throws her head back and laughs. "No, honey, they didn't hear a word of that, I promise. They came in right afterwards, and it was only for a second to drop Frannie off. They know we're celebrating tonight, so they didn't stick around."
"Well, that's good," Amanda replies with a sigh of relief. "That scene in the elevator was enough embarrassment for one night."
Olivia chuckles and reaches up to stroke Amanda's hair back from her face. "We won't be able to go out and celebrate like you wanted to, though, honey. I'm sorry about that. This plan has been in the works for awhile now, and we already had made arrangements to pick Frannie up when you called me this afternoon to tell me that you wanted to do dinner and a movie. I know you were really looking forward to it."
"Liv, you don't have to apologize," Amanda scoffs, leaning away from Frannie and pulling the older woman into her arms for a tight hug. "This is way better than going out. Thank you so much." She feels that surge of emotion creeping in again and sniffles slightly, Olivia's arms tightening around her in response.
"This is something I should have done for you a long time ago," the other woman whispers into her ear, and Amanda can hear the somewhat choked sound of her voice. "I know how lonely you are by yourself and how hard it's been for you when I leave for the day, and it kills me that I can't be here with you all the time. The hardest thing in the world is getting out of bed each morning and leaving you alone all day, Amanda." She feels herself being pulled onto Olivia's lap, and she buries her face in the taller woman's shoulder as she continues to speak, still overcome with emotion. "Since you still have a few weeks before you come back to the precinct, it will give Frannie time to settle into her new home and give the two of you a chance to get to know each other. And you'll only be working half days for the first little while, so you'll have someone to come home to at lunch time, when I have to stay on for the rest of the day."
"Thank you so much," Amanda repeats, and feels herself being rocked gently from side to side in Olivia's embrace, giggling when a curious wet nose starts snuffling at her back. She turns to the side, one arm looped around the back of Olivia's neck, and the other reaching out to pet Frannie again, wanting to give her all the attention she needs and deserves.
"I know you're doing much better with the anxiety and other issues, but Frannie is here to help during those times when it's still bad for you," Olivia says, and Amanda feels the other woman's hand tenderly brushing along her cheekbone. "Frannie's had a tough time in her life as well; she's been through a lot, just like you have, so I figured you would be good for each other. She's a survivor too." There is a brief pause. "Instead of having a safety object for your panic disorder, you now have a safety dog."
Amanda chuckles and leans forward to press her lips against Olivia's for a long moment, before pulling away and brushing the other woman's dark hair back from her face. "So I guess this means it's finally time to give your ring back," she replies, her heart clenching as she says the words, not sure if she can be separated from the tiny silver object that has become a part of her for these past several months, and that she now wears on a chain around her neck so she can keep the item close to her heart at all times. "I'm doing so much better than I was before, and now I have Frannie, so I think it's time that the ring is returned to its rightful owner."
"The ring is already with its rightful owner," Olivia answers softly, both of her hands resting on the sides of Amanda's face now, thumbs stroking gently against her temples. "I want you to keep it, honey."
The warmth that had unfurled in Amanda's chest earlier is now spreading out to encompass her entire body and she smiles at her boss, her throat suddenly very constricted once more. "You want me to keep your ring? Are you asking me to marry you, Liv?" she jokes, feeling the need to lighten things up again before she bursts into tears.
When Olivia is silent, Amanda's cheeks redden furiously again, and her mouth opens and closes for a minute, no sound escaping. "I-I was kidding, Liv," she stutters out. It feels like her heart has stopped and she stares at the older woman, their eyes locked together intensely for a long moment. "Unless...I shouldn't be kidding...?"
Olivia leans toward her, Amanda meeting the other woman's lips in a soft kiss, and they get lost in one another for few minutes before resting their foreheads against each other, Olivia's hands still tenderly bracing the sides of her face. "I love you so much, Amanda," she says quietly. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And I want to have everything with you...eventually...when the timing is right. But I don't want to rush into anything when you're still getting back on your feet."
"I want to have everything with you too," Amanda whispers intently, her heart racing with excitement and pleasure at the thought of their future together, and she presses her lips against Olivia's more urgently this time, wrapping herself around the other woman and squeezing tightly. "God, I love you so much, Liv."
She feels Olivia's lips trailing a path over her cheek and down to her neck, kissing her now heated skin fervently, and she leans her head back, closing her eyes and tangling her fingers gently into the older woman's hair. "You saved me," she murmurs into Olivia's ear as the other woman continues lavishing kisses upon her, lips brushing against the hollow of her throat, repeating what she had said earlier, but instead of arguing this time, Olivia just pulls away and stares at her for a moment, those liquid dark eyes boring into her own.
"You saved me too," she replies softly, and Amanda feels that intense wave of emotion again, reaching out to run a fingertip lightly over Olivia's lower lip.
"I did?" she asks quietly.
Olivia nods slowly in confirmation, stroking Amanda's hair back from her face. "I was in a really bad place when you first told me what had happened to you. We all have our ways of coping when things get bad at work, and when we had that string of cases with the kids last year, some of whom we couldn't save, I had my own self destructive ways of dealing with it. While you slipped up with the gambling, I was drinking more and more every night and my relationship with Tucker was going rapidly downhill. And I knew something was wrong with you; that something had happened, but I didn't know what. I just felt like everything was spiraling out of control; like it was too much to handle all at once, and things were going in a bad direction." She pauses for a moment, and Amanda reaches down to link their fingers together, squeezing gently.
"Everything started changing after you told me what had happened to you and I came to stay with you," Olivia continues. "You were having such a rough time, but you were trying so hard despite all the odds stacked against you, and it just changed something in me. All I wanted was to be there for you, to help you in any way I could, and the strength you had in dealing with your own issues helped me deal with mine. Being with you every single day, sharing my life with you...it filled a hole that had been there for my entire life, it seems. When everything else was going wrong and I was having a hard time getting over my previous relationship, you made everything bearable, Amanda. Having someone to share a home with, to eat meals with, to watch movies with, having someone to hold at night..." Olivia trails off and they continue to stare at one another, brown eyes locked onto blue.
"Somewhere along the way, things began changing...I came to think of you as a friend instead of a colleague...and then it was so much more than that. I slowly began to realize that I was in love with you, and it scared the hell out of me at first because it was such a new and different feeling," Olivia confesses with a short chuckle, and Amanda nods in agreement, lip curling up slightly at the corner, remembering with acute accuracy her own feelings of confusion and terror when she had begun to realize that Olivia was so much more than a boss or a friend.
"I'm glad I could be there for you in your time of need, like you were here for me," Amanda says gently, and there is an ache inside of her chest now because she hadn't known just how much Olivia had been suffering when they had started living together, and it blows her mind that she had been able to bring the other woman a certain amount of comfort and companionship, even while she had barely been keeping her own head above water and had slipped up with her recovery time and time again, continually plummeting back into the dark depths of despair. "There aren't words to express how grateful I am for your presence in my life, Olivia. I didn't think it was possible to love someone so much, and I can't wait to start our future together."
They smile tremulously at one another, both dangerously on the verge of tears, and Frannie barks suddenly, as if reminding them she is there too and is requiring much more attention on the first night in her new home than they are currently giving her. They both laugh as the dog butts right in between them, sticking her moist nose into Amanda's face, a long wet tongue swiping out to lick a path from her cheek to her forehead.
Amanda squeals in response and pulls away, continuing to laugh as Olivia reaches out to give Frannie a fond pat on the head. "I think our new pet is trying to tell us that things are getting much too serious here," she chuckles. "That lighthearted evening you had planned doesn't seem to be working out too well, honey."
"It's okay," Amanda replies gently, leaning over to plant a kiss on Olivia's cheek and then gathering Frannie into her arms, her heart overflowing with love and joy for her little family. "There's still plenty of time left to enjoy our night."
"Yes, there is," Olivia agrees with a smile. "What do you say we order some food?"
xxx
They end up doing their own version of a fancy dinner and comedic movie at home instead of going out for the evening, so they can keep their dog company in her new surroundings. While Frannie explores every single inch of the apartment, trotting eagerly from room to room and snuffling curiously at everything in sight, Amanda puts on her new dress, and is very pleased to get the response she had hoped for from Olivia. The older woman wears a dress of her own, and they light candles and drape the kitchen table with an elegant tablecloth, eating take-out pizza off of china plates and drinking soda from the matching china cups. When their meal is done, they retire to the living room and are thrilled to find the same Jim Carrey movie marathon that had been playing the first weekend they had stayed together, when Amanda had fallen so deep into the miserable routine of anxiety, flashbacks, and nightmares, she didn't think she would ever be able to claw her way out again.
As they lay on the couch digesting their meal and enjoying the silly comedy, Amanda's back tucked against Olivia's chest and Frannie sprawled out across the both of them like she has always been here, the little family entwined together on the cushions, she thinks back to the first time they had watched this movie marathon and how much has changed since then, both in their relationship with each other and her own life in general. She is eternally grateful that so much good had come from all the bad, and finds herself looking forward to the future and everything that awaits them with an exhilaration that she has never experienced before.
They spend the rest of the evening cuddled up together on the couch, Frannie seemingly having slid so perfectly into their lives like she is exactly where she belongs and the three of them were always meant to be with each other, and they end up falling asleep snuggled in the pile of blankets they had lined the cushions with to make a cozy little nest. The sudden ringing of Olivia's cell phone on the coffee table jerks them all awake in the wee hours of the morning, and they are a confused pile of tangled limbs, both human and canine, as each one struggles out of slumber and back to reality.
"Ugh, Liv, you're not on call this weekend," Amanda mumbles groggily, cracking an exhausted eye open as the older woman slides out from underneath her, and she burrows into the furry body of her new pet when Olivia leaves their comfortable makeshift bed, feeling the loss of warmth immediately. "Don't answer it."
"Honey, it's the middle of the night, so it's obviously important," Olivia chastises gently, and she closes her eyes again as she feels the other woman run a soothing hand over the top of her head before going into the kitchen and murmuring a quiet 'hello'.
Amanda figures she must have drifted back to sleep again, because the next thing she knows, she is being shaken awake by a couple of very insistent hands gripping onto her shoulders, Olivia's intense voice urging her to open her eyes.
"Hmm...what?" she says, sudden alarm spearing through the haze of slumber, and she scrambles into a sitting position on the couch when she sees Olivia kneeling on the floor before her, hands braced firmly on Amanda's knees now, regarding her with an intent expression.
"They've been caught," the older woman states somewhat breathlessly, and Amanda frowns at her uncomprehendingly.
"What?" she murmurs, that confusion still clinging stubbornly onto her as she continues to struggle out of the cobwebs of sleep, and it suddenly dawns on her what Olivia is referring to. "They've been caught?" she repeats incredulously.
"Yes, honey," the other woman says softly, her hands sliding from Amanda's knees to grasp onto her fingers, squeezing tightly. "They've been arrested and have just been transported to the hospital for treatment before being taken to the precinct."
Amanda is at a loss for words for a moment as she stares at the older women. "They...as in more than one? There were two of them this whole time? The asshole from the alley was telling the truth? The friend with the car actually exists?"
"Yes, it appears that way," Olivia replies grimly. "They screwed up tonight and made the mistake of targeting someone who wasn't alone this time. The incident took place at a club not too far from where you were assaulted. A young woman had gone outside into the alley to get some fresh air because she felt sick, and they were pulling her into the car when her group of friends came out to look for her. They put a stop to what was happening, and the police were called. Apparently the men who hurt her were pretty roughed up themselves, after the woman's male friends got ahold of them. They need stitches and there might be some broken bones as well."
"So another woman was hurt?" Amanda whispers in a hushed tone, and Olivia squeezes her hands firmly again.
"Yes, sweetheart, she was, but she's going to be okay," the older woman assures her quietly. "One of the men, who matches the description the other victim and the bartender gave us, assaulted her before the other man brought the car around. She's also at the hospital for treatment, and her parents have been called. She was hurt in the same way you and the other young woman were, but her friends put a stop to it before it could go any further; before the two men could take her away to another location."
"I'm glad they've been caught," Amanda finally says after another moment of stunned silence, still struggling to digest this new information and trying to keep her voice from shaking as she speaks. "But I wish it could have happened before they hurt someone else." She pauses briefly and gazes at Olivia with eyes that are rapidly welling with tears. "How many more of us are there, Liv? How many women are out there that have been hurt like we were?"
"I don't know, honey," Olivia answers gently, reaching up to wipe a tear away from Amanda's lower lashes with the pad of her thumb. "That's something we may never know, but we're sure as hell going to do everything we can to find out."
Another tear escapes from Amanda's eye and rolls down her cheek, Frannie leaning over to swipe the small drop of liquid away with her tongue before snuggling into her side, and Amanda gives the dog a tremulous smile, their new pet already bringing her an immense amount of comfort.
"It's over, sweetheart," Olivia says softly, pressing her lips tenderly to Amanda's forehead and lacing their fingers together again.
"It's not over, Liv," Amanda murmurs, suddenly feeling overwhelmed by the very news that she has been waiting to hear for the past several months; that the monsters who have haunted her nightmares have finally been caught after all this time, and that justice will hopefully be served. "There's so much to do now. Interrogations, interviews, a trial. It's really just beginning, isn't it?"
"The worst is over," Olivia corrects gently. "The waiting and the wondering and feeling so unsafe all the time. That's the worst part, sweetheart, and it's done now. It's over. We've got them and we're going to do everything we can to make sure they are punished for the terrible crimes they've committed and will never hurt anyone again."
"The worst is over," Amanda confirms in an astounded whisper, still struggling to grasp onto everything that has happened after being pulled from a sound sleep.
"It's over, baby." Olivia's voice has also dropped down to a whisper, and there are tears shining in the older woman's dark eyes now as she holds her arms out to Amanda.
She is overcome with an intense wave of relief as she melts into Olivia's embrace, the older woman holding onto her tightly and rocking her back and forth, while murmuring soothing words into her ear. Wrapped up protectively in Olivia's arms with one hand locked around the back of the older woman's shirt and the other resting on top of Frannie's head, the tiny silver ring dangling on a chain beneath her pajama shirt and laying directly against her heart, Amanda feels safe and secure and loved.
"Are you alright, sweetheart?" Olivia asks softly, pulling away slightly so they are eye to eye.
"Yeah," she replies, her shaky voice rising to take on a somewhat stronger tone. "I'm alright."
"I know it's a lot to take in," Olivia says quietly, her dark gaze radiating empathy and concern. "It's been a long time coming, and it's going to take a little while for it to fully sink in." She pauses briefly. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," Amanda murmurs in response, her arms tightening around the woman she loves. "Just keep holding me, okay? Don't let go."
"I've got you, baby," Olivia whispers, reaching down to link their pinky fingers together and squeezing gently. "I'll never let go."