I loitered around the beer garden, chugging a mug of frosty beer down my throat.
How did I get myself in such a predicament?
When did I become so reckless?
It was a one time thing that spun out of control and ruined everything that I had built for myself over the past month and a half.
Jane.
How was I supposed to tell her this gut wrenching news after I solely professed my undying love for her only a few weeks ago.
She looked at me like I was talking some sort of Alien language. Her head cocked to the side and she stared up at me. Glancing nervously at her brother, who looked like he was just about ready to eat my head off...literally.
It had been six months after the overthrow of Sandstorm. In the end Shepherd sacrificed herself so that her children could live the life they never had. It took Roman an awful lot of convincing but eventually he had come around and joined us at the FBI.
He still gave me death glares every once in awhile but other than that I'd like to think we were getting closer to becoming friends... maybe.
How was I suppose to tell the woman I loved that I was having a baby by my ex girlfriend? A woman that I had considered a friend over the past years —the woman who I called several times for advice on Jane. The woman I called over the night before I confessed what I've almost felt in my heart for this woman ever since she crawled out of that bag in Times Square.
I had already had far too much to drink. I was nervous so I thought the best thing to do was to get drunk.
I called Allie over in a drunken state and begged her to come over and help me with my nerves since Sarah wasn't around.
She came over. We drank. We talked. One thing led to another and before I knew it I was waking up with Allie's leg thrown across my stomach and her underwear over my head.
My heart twisted and sunk with nerves as I recall seeing the white envelope she provide me with; proof of my kid—Allie's and mine.
The white light enveloped me, coldly, as I shook. My breaths came in sharp pants and I tried to gain control, but nothing was working. It hurt.
I tried to breath calmly, but every time I looked up those cruel, horrible, necessary words were there.
Words I had known long before I even opened the envelope further.
Words I had waited for with anxiety and worry, knowing, somehow, what they might say.
Slowly, the panic and anxiety attack flowed away, and yet I still shocked.
My eyes, closed and aimed towards my clasped hands, slowly opened. Trepidation swelled through me as I slowly raised my eyes yet again to meet the darkness of the night.
I played around with my cell phone between my fingers.
Tonight was the night I was going to tell Jane about what happened between Allie and I the night before I poured my heart out to her.
Suddenly, my body wracked with raw sobs and I shook like a leaf.
Fright consumed every cell in my body, swelling them with terror. With every second I practically felt the rise of my blood pressure, but I knew that this was the least of my worries.
Onlookers gave me sad, sympathetic looks while others shield their children with their bodies and gave me strange looks.
I was going to lose the woman I was in love with for someone I never really loved...
I closed my eyes and listened to the strains of live music drifting over the throngs.
Now or never, I said quietly to myself and quickly punched in Jane's number.
"Kurt?" She answered almost immediately.
I have always loved her with devotion and purity; I had in mind that we were going to be together forever. But things... they never stay the same.
"I love you," I say softly into the phone, reveling in the fact that her breath still hitched in her throat whenever I uttered those three words to her. I leaned my head back against the brick walls and my eyes fluttered shut as I waited for her response. I just needed to hear her say that she loved me. I needed something to hold onto.
I needed her to hold onto.
She made me question every promise I ever made to myself. She made me open up when I didn't want to let even myself in. She helped me to breathe when I didn't want to anymore and she helped me see that it's okay to fall in love.
How could I possibly tell her that I not only slept with my ex girlfriend but I also got her pregnant because we were both too drunk to worry about protection? And I was way to drunk to even think properly?
I suck in a lungful of air before speaking again.
"I need you. Where are you?"
"I'm with Sarah and Sawyer. Is everything okay?"
I can feel the fear in my chest waiting to take over at the sound of her voice. She's worried.
God, I wish she wasn't worried. She doesn't even know the worst part of it yet.
"Jane.." I whisper into the line; silently begging her to understand that this is difficult for me—begging her to share some of her warmth with me.
"Come home, Kurt. Let's talk about it," her voice was barely a whisper.
"I'm coming,"
The ride back to the house was so dreadfully long. I knew I had to get home to her; to explain everything to her but I just couldn't bring myself to do it—not yet. I needed about an hour to clear my head.
Checking my phone I noticed ten missed calls from her. She's probably losing her mind so I sent her a quick text of reassurance mostly for myself than for her.
My beautiful, Jane I love you more than I could ever begin to put into words.
I need you to know that always.
I love you and I'll see you soon. x
Her reply was almost instant
Sarah and Sawyer left. Just come home already.
What the hell is going on with you?
By the time I got home, it was 3am and the city was enveloped in a blanket of darkness. I scurried down the path towards my house, shoes slapping against the stone steps that led to the front door.
Fallen leaves littered the walkway, bathing it in dark red and orange, and I stepped on them with a satisfying crunch. The porch light was on, and the familiar yellow glow made the house feel warm and inviting. A brand new flower pot to the right of the door was filled with pink and yellow chrysanthemums.
The metal of the doorknob was cool against my palm, I twisted it with ease, entering the well lit living room.
Jane was lying on the couch with a soft yellow blanket thrown over her. Her dark curls scattered across the pillow making her look like a real life angel.
My heart both sunk and raised all at once.
Her heart thumped in accordance with slow, shallow breaths. Serenity was plastered across her face as she slept. At peace, her consciousness swirled in the land of dreams, oblivious to the physical world.
I made my way over to the couch and sat at the edge, brushing a stray dark curl away from her eyes. She shifted slightly but didn't wake.
I glanced over to the grandfather that hung proudly in my living room. It read 3:10am. There was no way I was going to wake her to give her this devastating news at this time so I gently wrapped the blanket tighter around her slim body and snuggled up besides her.
She unconsciously hooked her arm around my middle and threw her feet across my stomach. I lowered my head and placed a gentle kiss to her temple and watched her sleep for awhile, convinced that there was no way I'd fall asleep with so much on my mind but wrapped up in Jane was always a comfort I never knew I needed and before I knew it I was fast asleep.
The panic starts like a tightening of the chest, as if the muscles are trying not to let another breath in, but instead to die. Then the breath comes, shallow, lungs unable to move much against the suddenly heavy ribs. Then my mind becomes as static, thoughts making no sense, replays of horrors once forgotten. Before I know it I'm sitting on the floor, limbs unwilling to work at all.
Tears were rushing down my cheek, it was getting extremely difficult to speak, choking out the words.
Another nightmare...
"Kurt," my voice faltered some more.
Kurt I —" I tried again. Every word was alien and I never knew what would spill out next.
The next thing I knew Kurt was huddled up against me pressing his body into mine and whispering soothing nonsense into my ear.
I hardly had a moment to react before he pressed his tongue to the seam of my lips and, at my grant of access, delved inside my mouth. It was a very sloppy kiss with the strong scent of beer being exchanged in the intermingling of our billowing breaths. My arms reached up and tangled around his thick, strong neck. In an instant I had pulled away and arched up into his broad chest, moaning in the contact of body heat against my own, before I drew back into his lips. I could nearly feel the slight burn of the beer as it rolled off my tongue and seeped down my throat with every push of his tongue against mine.
"Jane" he whispers slowly, prolonging each letter as if to savor them.
"I love you," he whispered, brushing his nose against mine. I smile, my heart fluttering at his voice as I clasp my hands on either side of his face.
"I love you too," I whisper back mingling our breaths before pulling him down for another kiss.
When we pulled back my breathing was labored and my limbs still felt weak but I was in his arms and that was all that mattered to me.
"We still need to talk, Kurt," I said titling my head back to meet his eyes.
He hesitates a bit before gently sliding his fingers down my arms. I immediately missed the warmth he provided but I needed to know what was bothering him.
"Jane —"
"If you love me like you say you do tell me the truth, Kurt. All of it," I knew I was being stubborn and a bit childish using the if you love me... card but there was a part of me that knew he wouldn't say if I didn't push.
He leans down suddenly and took my mouth, devouring me with a kiss.
He reaches down, pulling at my shorts and panties, pushing them off my hips to the floor. I break the kiss long enough to assist him in taking off his T-shirt.
Getting naked as fast as possible was apparently his only goal.
When I was completely bare to him, he pushed my hips, causing me to fall back on the couch. He grabbed my legs and pulled me towards the edge, throwing my feet over his shoulders, and used his fingers to spread me open to him.
He plunged two fingers deep inside me, rubbing my sweet spot as he licked and sucked.
"Kurt —"
"Tell me you love me," he said between licks, the vibrations against my wet heat forced my orgasm out and I laid there writhing and arching into his hot mouth.
Before I even had the time to recover from the aftershock of my first orgasm, he was lapping at me again.
A few minutes later, I came with a broken cry.
Once he was completely naked, he pushed my knees up, opening all of me to him. He lined himself up at my opening and thrust home inside my warmth.
The smacking sounds got louder as I got wetter. His low whispers were making me leak out down my ass and onto the bedroom floor. We were making such a mess but I couldn't think about that right now. I couldn't think about anything except how he felt inside me; how he marked me in way I was sure no one else ever would.
He thrusts hard into me one final time. It was enough to throw me over the edge, and I felt myself pulsing, milking him and sucking his seed into me.
Shit! We hadn't bothered to use a condom
He grabbed me by the waist, scooting us further into the couch, but not breaking our connection.
We don't have much time, but I wanted him to be inside me for as long as possible. I held him to my chest and stroked his hair. I could sleep like this, but I try not to. I want to enjoy the few quiet moments we have together, just being us. No one else to disturb us, and no one else to worry about. I plant gentle kisses to his chest and pull him closer.
He was still hard inside me, and I move slowly, lacking the urgency I had before. Propping up on my elbows, I look down into his clear blue eyes and brush a few strands away.
"I love you," I say quietly as he gently slips out of me.
He scooped me up in his strong arms and led me to the bathroom. He shampooed my hair and washed my entire body before tugging an oversized T-shirt over my head and leading me gently on the bed.
"Lie with me?" I asked quietly, patting the space next to me.
He didn't answer, just crawled into bed with me and wrapped his arms tightly around my middle.
I tried to keep my eyes open, I really did.
But it was so hard, and I was so comfortable.
Soon, that was all that I was aware of was the soft mattress underneath me, the warmth of the sheets around me.
My eyes began to drift closed. I was blissfully unaware of what was going on around me. Then it was just me, my man and my dreams.
After sometime I woke with a start. The space next to me was empty and immediately my thoughts went frantic.
"Kurt?" I called out receiving only silence in response.
The light of late morning shines into my slowly opening eyes, I bring my hands to my eyes in attempt to block out the piercing sun.
Everything about me felt heavy from my arms to my feet. I let my head loll from one side to the other, eyes closing one more time as I enjoyed the brief darkness
My head had become foggy, like that time when alcohol takes me into oblivion, but I hadn't drunk a drop. It's as if every eye lash weighs more than it should and gravity has been turned up ten fold.
"Hey babe, I made you breakfast..or is it lunch?" He asked from the doorway, glancing at the clock that hung over his bed.
"Thank you," I said quietly, reaching for him. He sits next to me and uncovers the plate.
He licked his fleshy lips and grabbed a handful of oily h'ors devoures. They were little shrimps, fried to a crisp.
He placed a pile of shrimp onto my plate and drenched them in creamy, sweet sauce.
He clenched the oil soaked shrimp and stuffed them into my mouth. He licked at his fingers, smeared with cream and oil and crunched another handful of crispy shrimp into his mouth.
"You didn't have to cook all of this," I said after swallowing down my food and reaching for some much. We ate in a comfortable silence then carried the remaining dishes to the kitchen and washed them quickly. He refused all help from me and ordered me back to the rest, whatever that meant.
As I packed away the dishes, images of Jane flashed throughout my mind. Images of her smiling, the tears in her eyes when I finally told her that I loved her, the way her voice cracked when she said she loved me too.
I was about to lose it all. My potential wife, the life I shared with her all because of a drunken mistake.
The guilt is like ice in my guts. It could be a hundred degrees out and I'd still be frozen on the inside. I can't melt it on my own, I can't shift it at all. I need her to bring me her warmth, to show me that I can be better, that I can still be with her. I wanted to be perfect so much, even as a little kid, and it killed me that I wasn't.
"Kurt?" Jane's curious tone dragged me out of my guilt.
I turned over my shoulder to meet her eyes; clouded with worry and fear —something I had never wanted in her eyes, atleast not with me.
"What's wrong?" She asked, crossing her arms tightly around her chest. She moved slowly towards me and cupped my face in her hands.
"Whatever it is you can tell me. Trust me," she whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to my lips, it lasted merely a few seconds but it was all I needed; it was enough strength for me.
"I love you. I need you to know that," I whispered back, rubbing my thumb across her cheek.
"I'm so sorry, Jane."
I turn and faced the wall, face creased and my fists closed so tight I could feel the sweat trapped inside them. That's when I hear a sound that almost stops my heart.
Jane. She was crying.
The look in her eyes told me that she knew what it was before I even uttered the words. We were always able to read each other without even saying a word. When I reached out to her she pulled back; hurt written all over her face.
"Are you seeing someone else?" She asked, clenching and unclenching her jaw.
"Jane just let me —"
She ran her hand through her dark hair three times in quick succession and fixed me in a stare that could have frozen the Pacific. She snarled more than spoke.
"Explain? Yeah, I'm listening"
I casted my eyes at Kurt just long enough to catch his red rimmed eyes and downcast expression. I bristled.
Empathy wasn't my thing—not right now. Either he could provide a me with a reasonable explanation for his behaviour or he could not. He sniffled and gave a soft apologetic glance. I pursed my lips and placed my hands on my hip. I was quickly losing my patience as he stood hunched over of me. I'd rather him tell me what the hell his problem was then for him to beat around the bush and constantly make me look stupid.
"Kurt"
"Jane.." He said sadly, trailing off as if he didn't know what else to say; how else to say it.
"Allie's pregnant," he said softly; it was barely above a whisper.
I blew out an exasperated sigh and rushed my fingers through my now tangled hair, "what the hell does that have to do with — Oh God," I stumbled backwards as realization finally dawned on me.
Allie was pregnant with Kurt's baby.
My boyfriend, Kurt. His ex girlfriend, Allie.
There was something solemn swimming in his eyes. Their stunning, deep blue held a truth that his face could not hide. The despairing chill that they conveyed made me feel heartbroken. I looked away; I couldn't bear it. What was usually strength, now showed weakness. What used to be joy now showed grief. Then a tear rolled down his cheek. I didn't see it, but could feel him crying beside me.
"Im so sorry, baby. It was before we even started dating. Please Jane," he pleaded, getting down on his knees and wrapping his arms around my waist, pulling me into his face.
"Please " he whimpered, looking up at me with tear stained cheeks.
At first there was silence. A misty haze upon the horizons of my mind. That's were I kept everything, in my mind. That was until now. I could feel the hard painful lump in the back of my throat as the tears began to form. Slowly my breathing hallowed itself and a small but intense pain struck the top nerve in my head. Before I knew it there was shouting, they were mine, yet they seemed so distant. Tears streaked my face. Time had fast forward. I couldn't remember the briefest of moments, all I saw was my own bloody fist, my tear stained blouse. I even recognized my own voice repeating, "I can't take it this."
Yeah I wrote a new story. It literally came outta nowhere. I don't know, man.
I really, really like Roman and Shepherd which is why I gave them somewhat happy endings after Sandstorm. R.I.P. Mama Shepherd, you will be missed... by me.
Also, a big thank you to my friend, Elis for basically forcing me back into writing. I was so ready to give it all up but I guess writing is therapeutic and it helps sometimes. So thank you, you wonderful human.
Please favourite/follow/review it means alot to me.