Chapter 8

Leaving

A few hours later as Snape was about to enter the Great Hall he saw Madam Pomfrey coming from the other direction. He'd managed to avoid her since her visit to his dungeon chambers. He didn't like to admit it even to himself, but she had been quite helpful with his healing. She had provided some potions that he'd not had time to brew beforehand that had proven most effective. Her gentle care and expertise had straightened, strengthened and mended his arm completely. Most of all he appreciated that she'd not asked questions about where he'd been or how he'd been injured. She had been completely professional; as Dumbledore said she would be.

They arrived at the door to the staff entrance at the same time. Poppy smiled, "Hello Severus."

Snape nodded his head curtly and without slowing said, "Madam Pomfrey."

"How are you feeling?" she asked as she scanned him from head to toe.

Though he would have preferred to ignore her he saw no convenient way to do so. The woman could be tenacious when she wanted something and he didn't wish to draw any attention to their encounter. Pausing briefly he responded, "I'm quite well, thank you." As he stepped away he felt her hand on his left arm and instinctively pulled away.

"Wait, please," Poppy said quietly.

Hoping she hadn't seen the apprehension that had briefly crossed his face, he affected his most unreadable expression and gazed down at her. Severus didn't think her touch near his Dark Mark meant anything. Until his display to Fudge last week he'd kept that part of his life hidden from the Hogwarts staff.

Poppy dropped her hand and avoided looking at the arm he was now holding stiffly against his body. "I'm so sorry, Severus. I didn't mean…I'm not here to pry into your private life." She searched his face. "I only wanted to stop you from rushing away before I could say what I need to say."

"Really, Madam Pomfrey, I don't need…"

"You're still the same stubborn eleven-year-old who wouldn't come to me when you'd been hurt by the other boys!" she exclaimed in exasperation as she shook her head. "Don't let your pride keep you from asking for help. You don't have to do it alone."

Now he did feel like the child being scolded by the school matron so many years ago. Severus wondered if Albus and Poppy had talked about his independence since they'd used exactly the same words. He let the hint of a smile touch his lips in spite of himself.

With the slightest nod towards his left arm Pomfrey said, "Your past will stay in your past. I will never reveal anything I saw that night. It is obvious you have Albus' trust and that is good enough for me."

"Thank-you," Snape said softly.

"Working with students all these years I've learned it is often best that I don't know what caused their injuries. That way they will ask for help when in need with no fear of consequences."

Severus was conflicted. On the one hand he would have liked to end this conversation – it was getting too close to him admitting he wasn't self-reliant. On the other hand, the warm feeling rising in his chest from his colleague's unconditional offer was pleasant albeit unfamiliar. He let the elder witch continue.

Hesitantly Poppy reached out and touched Snape's right arm. "If last week was any example, your future will hold horrors that few can imagine. Know that I'm always here for you, at any time, for any reason. I don't have to know anything other than that you need me."

"Madam Pomfrey…" It was so unusual for him to be tongue-tied, unable to respond with a retort or biting comment; he didn't know what was happening to him. He meant to tell her off; to tell her to stop meddling; to leave him alone – but the words weren't there. Somehow it seemed wrong to say those things. "I…"

She smiled broadly, "Come Severus. We don't want to miss the start of the feast." She looped her left arm through his right and began to pull him towards the Great Hall. "And please, would you at least try to call me Poppy?"

Extracting his arm from the grasp of the matron Snape stopped himself from chuckling just in time. He scowled and walked into the room by her side. The mood in the Hall was anything but cheerful. Instead of decorations to celebrate the winner of the House-Cup, black drapes hung behind the staff table to honor Cedric Diggory. Poppy left him to take her place and Snape sat down next to Professor McGonagall.

"Are you as glad as I am that this week is finally over?" Minerva asked as she scanned the Gryffindor table.

"Yes." Snape followed her gaze and saw that the irritating trio was not in the room.

"I've not seen Potter in the Hall for meals most of this week," she said with concern.

Yeah so what, Severus thought, keeping his expression blank.

"He's also not been in classes." Minerva raised an eyebrow.

Snape wondered if, by her obvious attempt at subtle inquiry, she knew Potter had been in potions. "It was my understanding that the headmaster felt study was…" He curled his lip, "…unnecessary for our new hero," and he spat the last word.

"Severus!" she glowered at him. "Harry has been through an ordeal no one, much less a fourteen year-old, should ever have to face."

"And do you think coddling him will prepare him to survive the next time the Dark Lord tries to kill him?" he snapped. His dark eyes flashed with anger. "Potter has escaped death multiple times because of luck or the help of others, not because of his abilities. He needs training not sympathy."

The elder witch glanced around to see if their exchange had drawn any attention. Lowering her voice Minerva continued, "His education is important, but a little compassion won't hurt until the shock of what he's been through diminishes."

"Compassion is overrated," Snape raised an eyebrow, non-verbally daring her to argue the point with a Slytherin.

They sat quietly for a few minutes watching students take their places. "Look at them, Severus," Minerva said quietly. "These children need advanced training unlike any generation has since you were a student here." She waved a hand in the general direction of the four house tables. "One fine young man has already lost his life. How many of them will die before He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is defeated?"

"Would it surprise you to know that I had similar thoughts during my last class?" Snape said with deliberate calm.

"No, it wouldn't surprise me at all." Tears glistened in McGonagall's eyes. "I lost students to You-Know-Who in the first war…" She glanced at the Slytherin table, "…on both sides." She swiped at her tears. "I don't want to lose any of them because their education is lacking."

"Nor do I," Snape studied the witch sitting next to him who was now his colleague and once had been his professor. No one had ever been able to hide mischief from her as a student. She, like Dumbledore, seemed to know things she shouldn't have any way to know.

"I take it you are aware of what happened…what I did in my last class," Snape asked. At Minerva's nod, he continued. "You and the others may think my teaching methods are harsh. The fight against the Dark Lord is going to be brutal and the students need to understand how bad it can get, especially Potter."

"Weren't you straying a bit from your potions curriculum?" Minerva's eyes twinkled and a hint of a smile touched her lips, her momentary upset gone.

"Perhaps, but they have to know." With a quick nod towards the Gryffindor table - still absent Potter - Snape hissed, "He has to know what he'll be facing." Snape decided to stretch the truth a bit to make his point. "It started out as a discussion of O.W.L. restorative potions they'll cover in their fifth year; then Potter came in. I knew it was an opportunity to demonstrate to the whole class what can happen to any of them – what has already happened to one of them."

"So You-Know-Who used the Cruciatus Curse on Harry?" McGonagall, noticeably very concerned, looked again for Potter.

"I'm certain of it." At her questioning expression he added, "No, Minerva, Dumbledore has not told me anything about what happened to the boy and you can be certain Potter will tell me nothing. However, it's the way the Dark Lord operates." Snape realized he was rubbing his right arm where it had been broken when he noticed Minerva watching him. He dropped his hands to his lap. "The Dark Lord gets great pleasure from inflicting pain and humiliation."

"I hope we get a qualified Defense Against the Dark Arts professor next term." McGonagall glanced down the table to where Mad-Eye Moody was seated and saw him jump as Professor Flitwick spoke. "I don't suppose Moody would come back next year. His paranoia is greater now than it was before."

Snape was not disappointed that the ex-Auror would not return. Moody felt that once a Death Eater, always a Death Eater. Snape's double life was going to make the coming year hard enough without having to hide his actions from someone trained to hunt Dark Wizards.

"Of course, no Defense teacher lasts longer than a year," she sighed.

The grim thought flashed into Snape's mind that Dumbledore should finally give him the position – with the Dark Lord's return Snape was already living on borrowed time. "Moody didn't teach," Snape pointed out. "Crouch did do a good job with the class." Snape's lips curled almost into a grin, "He did have unique qualifications."

"That may be true," Minerva snorted, "but Albus would never hire a Death Eater to teach at Hogwarts simply because he's an expert in dark magic." There was an uncomfortable silence. Minerva's wizened face softened as she whispered, "Just ex-Death Eaters."

This uncharacteristic acknowledgement of his background surprised Snape then he realized by her warm smile that McGonagall was simply trying to show him that he was accepted no matter what. Yet having it voiced in the open made him uncomfortable and he wondered if she knew he'd returned to serve the Dark Lord. Now that he is back, Severus thought miserably, there is no such thing as an ex-Death Eater. The Dark Mark burned into our arms requires unquestioning obedience if we hope to live.

Further conversation was interrupted as Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle boisterously entered the Hall. Their demeanor and attitude contrasted so radically with the subdued tone in the room that they drew the attention of everyone at the staff table and many of the students.

Nodding towards the disturbance, Minerva said tartly, "You need to keep your Death-Eaters-in-waiting from joining You-Know-Who."

"I'll handle the students in my house, my way Professor McGonagall," Severus snapped curtly, dark eyes narrowed with anger. "Slytherin does not automatically mean evil!" As soon as the words left his mouth, he regretted his tone; yet he didn't apologize. He wasn't sure which of his retorts came from his real feelings and which were an act to shield him from getting close to people. It made him very uncomfortable when anyone acted as if they cared for him. Dumbledore had called the staff his family, yet Severus didn't need them; he didn't want them, did he?

Severus tried to deny and ignore it, but he did feel a kinship – not really friendship – with at least some of his colleagues. He had found acceptance here – unlike his association with the Dark Lord and the other Death Eaters who wanted him only for what he could give them. He wondered, was having this sense of family- love Dumbledore would say – really all it had taken for me to become a different man?

Shaking off the unsettling feeling, Snape looked at Malfoy and his cohorts. McGonagall's scolding hadn't fallen on deaf ears though he'd never tell her that. He really did plan to do what he could to keep those three from following in his footsteps – of making the mistake he'd made when he took the Dark Mark. However, with all their fathers being Death Eaters, it might prove impossible. Snape couldn't do anything that would cast suspicion on him as one of Voldemort's most devoted supporters. The dark trio might have to be sacrificed for the greater good – for Harry Potter – and for that Severus was deeply saddened because every child was important, not only the Golden Boy.

Watching Draco 'hold court' so like Lucius had done at the same age, Severus knew the boy wished to be like the father he idolized with all the power and prestige the Malfoy name commanded. Snape wondered if Draco would callously accumulate bodies as his father had, or could Severus surreptitiously awaken a morality in Draco that would keep a Jeremy Sloan out of his future? Raising one eyebrow and suppressing a snort – the thought stuck Severus that if he couldn't keep one teenager from becoming a Death Eater without jeopardizing his role as a spy he no longer deserved to be called Slytherin.

When Dumbledore came into the Hall and took his seat, Snape again checked to see if Potter had arrived. After his last class Snape wouldn't have been at all surprised if Potter skipped the feast, yet at the last moment the trio entered. Snape watched intently as the boy looked first at Moody, then at Karkaroff's empty chair before taking his own seat. Snape saw Potter's eyes move along the staff table, now looking at Madame Maxime, Hagrid and Professor McGonagall. Then their eyes locked.

With clenched teeth, Severus frowned slightly and let his gaze linger on Potter. Snape was angry that the Dark Lord had told him he'd have to murder someone – that he might be asked to kill the boy – and Snape let that anger show. He could cheerfully torment and ridicule Potter, he could gladly be vindictive and cruel to him, but Snape did not want him dead. He'd promised to protect Lily's son; to endure torture for him; even to give his life for him and the insufferable mediocre boy had no idea.

Snape's frown changed to loathing as he wondered if Potter cared how many people would suffer and how many would die so he could live. He'd been a baby the first time Severus had faced the Dark Lord without being able to disclose the Potters location. In an oft repeated pattern, Snape had been subjected to the tyrant's substantial anger due to that failure. With Snape's connection to Lily and his placement as a spy in Dumbledore's camp, the Dark Lord presumed Snape could get information that would lead to the family. Even if he'd known; even without the protection of the Fidelius Charm, Severus would never have betrayed Lily. He would have willingly given his life for her, yet every time he endured the Cruciatus Curse it fueled his hatred of both Potter males.

Turning away from the Gryffindor table, Snape felt Potter's eyes still on him as Snape scanned the Slytherins, the bastion of blood purity at Hogwarts. These children of ambitious, cunning witches and wizards deserved as much protection as any other student, yet attitudes towards his house painted them all with the same dark brush. While he didn't nurture his students with kindness and goodness as did the other heads, he wanted them to excel in life. He simply didn't believe coddling them was the way to accomplish that objective. To use any means necessary to gain power and influence did not have to mean practicing the Dark Arts though Snape wasn't so naive as to think that none of them would.

The Hall had become very quiet, and Snape faced the center of the staff table where Dumbledore had gotten to his feet.

"The end…," Dumbledore began. As he the scanned room filled with students and staff, the headmaster's eyes briefly met Snape's before moving on to the next person. Snape appreciated that Dumbledore understood this was not an end for him, but the resumption of his difficult and dangerous double life. "…of another year." Very likely my last, Severus thought.

Dumbledore paused and Snape followed his gaze to the subdued Hufflepuff table. As the headmaster said, 'There is much I would like to say to you all tonight, but I must first acknowledge the loss of a very fine person, who should be sitting here…' Severus recalled the competent young man who had applied himself to his studies and seldom caused trouble – unlike some. He turned toward the Gryffindors and watched the Weasley twins sitting uncharacteristically quiet and sober-faced. He wondered if the chief mischief-makers of sixth-year would ever amount to anything.

Catching Dumbledore's gesture toward the Hufflepuff table out of the corner of his eye, Severus scanned the sad faces there. The Dark Lord had brought the reality of death to these children way too soon.

Dumbledore continued "…enjoying our feast with us. I would like you all, please, to stand and raise your glasses to Cedric Diggory."

When Severus stood and joined the rest of the Hall raising his goblet to Cedric as Dumbledore had asked, Snape visualized the eleven-year-old Cedric who was confident yet never cocky. Catching a glimpse of Miss Chang's tear-stained face as he sat, Severus understood the pain she was feeling. Or did he? She had not caused the death of the one she loved as Snape had. He looked over at Potter and saw the boy staring at the table. It didn't take a Legilimens to realize that he felt responsible for Diggory's death even though he hadn't been.

"Cedric was a person who exemplified many of the qualities that distinguish Hufflepuff house," Dumbledore continued. Snape remembered the persistence of the third-year Cedric who'd worked over and over on the Shrinking Solution until he got it precisely the correct shade of bright acid green.

The description that Dumbledore gave of the Hufflepuff boy as 'a good and loyal friend, a hard worker, he valued fair play' contrasted sharply with how Severus would describe himself, or most any Slytherin. He'd been taught in his house that you take what you want, when you want it, by any means available and always take the easiest and shortest path to your goal. He studied the young faces at that table – a few sad, others arrogant, most were impassive. It was still the Slytherin way, however given recent history, perhaps not the best way.

"His death has affected you all, whether you knew him well or not, I think that you have the right, therefore, to know exactly how it came about."

As Dumbledore paused for the briefest moment, Severus turned back to Gryffindor and watched Potter lift his head and stare at the headmaster. With a jolt, Snape realized he had something else in common with the boy. They were the only two in the room who'd seen the new incarnation of the Dark Lord and both knew what Dumbledore was about to say.

"Cedric Diggory was murdered by Lord Voldemort."

Next to him, Snape heard McGonagall gasp; people all over the Hall were whispering; faces stared at Dumbledore in disbelief and horror. The name terrified people, but evil, no matter what you called it, was out there and it was real. Suppressing the urge to rub his Dark Mark, in his mind Severus saw the reptilian face that personified evil flash over the good and wholesome face of Diggory.

After the Hall had quieted, Dumbledore continued "The Ministry of Magic does not wish me to tell you this. It is possible that some of your parents will be horrified that I have done so – either because they will not believe that Lord Voldemort has returned, or because they think I should not tell you so, young as you are."

If the prophecy was to be believed, Harry Potter, despite being a boy, was destined to be the one to finally destroy the darkest wizard to ever walk the earth. He was the one that would save them all, and with the brat's lack of talent that was a frightening thought. Snape glanced up and down the head table and knew most of the staff was good and competent. He vowed that in the coming year he would do what he could to train the students, including Potter, even though it would be difficult.

Perhaps next year they would get a Defense teacher who would be a willing colleague in that task; who would join with the staff to prepare the students for what was coming. Snape knew he might not be able to participate as much as he'd like as his colleagues didn't trust him on the subject of the Dark Arts. He faced the headmaster again. If Dumbledore would give him the Defense post, Severus knew he'd teach them well. They wouldn't like him but more of them would survive the war.

"It is my belief, however, that the truth is generally preferable to lies, and any attempt to pretend that Cedric died as the result of an accident, or some sort of blunder of his own, is an insult to his memory."

Instead of having a bright future ahead of him, Severus reflected, Cedric would always be remembered as the first Hogwarts student of this generation who died because of the Dark Lord. Sadly, Snape knew Diggory wouldn't be the last. Severus thought of Jeremy Sloan again – another young man who could have had a bright future had Snape not murdered him at the same age as Diggory. He turned away from Dumbledore and briefly scanned all the house tables focusing on the students in sixth year. These were Cedric's classmates – the sixteen and seventeen year-olds who would come of age in a world ruled by the Dark Lord unless… Snape looked at Potter and saw him glowering at Malfoy.

While almost everyone was stunned or frightened and staring at Dumbledore, Draco was smirking and muttering to Crabbe and Goyle. There was no place in Snape's heart for sentiment, nevertheless he was instantly angered at Draco's blatant rudeness. Even Slytherins could give respect where respect was due, and Cedric Diggory deserved respect. He'd never courted fame so he had seemed an unlikely candidate to be the Triwizard Champion. In hindsight it was that characteristic of humbleness, of aspiring to do his best for all of Hogwarts that made the Goblet of Fire choose Diggory.

When Dumbledore said, 'There is somebody else who must be mentioned in connection with Cedric's death,' Severus faced Potter before the others in the room. Most people would never understand how Severus could hate the boy without wanting physical harm to come to him.

"I'm talking, of course, about Harry Potter."

Snape watched as a few heads turned in Potter's direction before flicking back to face Dumbledore. The boy represented hope and salvation to the Wizarding World. Snape wished the focus was on someone more worthy, yet given the way things were, Snape had to accept Potter as that symbol. No matter his personal feelings, Severus was obligated to protect the boy and he would go through hell – had in fact done exactly that a week ago – to keep him alive.

"Harry Potter managed to escape Lord Voldemort," said Dumbledore.

Snape's gut clenched as he remembered the words he had so gladly reported to his master. 'THE ONE WITH THE POWER TO VANQUISH THE DARK LORD APPROACHES….' Severus placed his left fist under his chin and rested his head on it as he studied Potter. There was no escaping the fact that it was Snape's fault that Lily's son had been targeted by the Dark Lord. It was Snape's actions that had started the chain of events that had led to Diggory's death and Potter's torture. No one had made him to choose the path he'd taken. The boy, on the other hand, had never had a choice – had never had a chance at a normal life. Both had been marked by the Dark Lord and regardless of how distasteful it was Severus knew they were irrevocably linked.

"He risked his own life to return Cedric's body to Hogwarts."

After his marking ceremony, Snape and the other new Death Eaters had dumped the bodies of the Sloan family into a roadside ditch outside a Muggle community – like the garbage they were to the Dark Lord. Thankfully, Potter had spared Diggory the same indignity.

"He showed, in every respect, the sort of bravery that few wizards have ever shown in facing Lord Voldemort,…"

Bravery, what bravery? Snape thought angrily, dropping his hand to his lap and glaring at Dumbledore. He was sure the spawn of James Potter had done nothing except get lucky to survive his encounter with Voldemort. Snape used Occlumency and other skills to stay alive while in the presence of the Dark Lord – skills the boy would never have. Studying Dumbledore's grim face as the headmaster turned towards Potter, Snape remembered the torn and bloody robes the child wore upon his return to the maze. Realizing he didn't know the whole story, Snape reluctantly considered that perhaps his visceral gut reaction was unfair. Just as quickly as that idea surfaced – he rejected it.

"…and for this I honor him."

Caught off guard in his thoughts, Severus was a little delayed in standing. While he would have preferred to not do it, he raised his goblet and mumbled as quietly as he could, 'Harry Potter.' He noticed several at the Slytherin table, not only Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle had not participated in the toast although it seemed the headmaster either hadn't seen this or chose to ignore it. When Snape took his seat, he reflected that if it had been possible he wouldn't have 'honored' Potter either. Severus simply didn't think the boy had done anything that made him special.

A professor, a head-of-house no less, could not stay seated when the headmaster had so directly requested a show of respect and admiration towards the famous Harry Potter. Though unlike the childish defiance of the students, Snape's hatred was personal – not hatred for what Potter represented to Wizardkind.

"The Tri-Wizard Tournament's aim was to further and promote magical understanding. In light of what has happened – Lord Voldemort's return – such ties are more important than ever before."

Following Dumbledore's lead, Snape looked first at Madame Maxine, and then her Beauxbatons students sitting with the Ravenclaws, and then the Durmstrangs seated at Slytherin. He hoped the war wouldn't extend beyond Great Britain to include their countries. Regardless of extent, Snape was committed to work until he breathed his last to bring about the Dark Lord's downfall so these young people and others of their generation could live in a better world.

"Every guest in this Hall,…"

Snape's eyes, like Dumbledore's and most of the room lingered upon the Durmstrang students. That European school, more than the other ten Wizarding schools combined embraced the Dark Arts. If any were to be suspected beyond Slytherin, it would be them. Dumbledore's explicit inclusion of Durmstrang as part of the fight against the Dark Lord was very significant and Severus hoped they would embrace it.

"…will be welcomed back here at any time, should they wish to come."

The wary, almost frightened expression on Viktor Krum's face caused Snape to wonder if Karkaroff's students knew why their headmaster had disappeared. The man was stupid to think he'd be able to escape the Dark Lord and his fellow Death Eaters. The coward would be dead within weeks. The Durmstrang students were all of age so being left alone to go home wasn't catastrophic. Snape faced Dumbledore again. Regardless of age, Severus knew Dumbledore would never abandon his pupils, and if he had a choice in the matter Snape knew he wouldn't either.

"I say to you all, once again – in the light of Lord Voldemort's return, we are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided."

The image of Sirius Black swam into Snape's mind as he thought of the handshake Dumbledore had forced upon them a week ago. Having to accept that arrogant, irritating, obnoxious bastard Black as an ally was even worse than having to protect James Potter's brat. Snape's hatred of James was considerable, but his hatred of Black was tenfold what he felt for the two male Potters combined. To have Black back in his life was almost worse than facing the Dark Lord.

While Snape's continued loathing of Black stemmed from the years of abuse Severus had suffered while they were both students, it was his belief that the man was responsible for the betrayal of Lily's location that had caused his almost primal attack on Black last year. It was infuriating that Black and Lupin had been right about Pettigrew. Snape was very disappointed that Black wasn't the evil wizard Severus had believed Black to be when he was sent to Azkaban.

"Lord Voldemort's gift for spreading discord and enmity is very great."

And by helping to orchestrate the smear campaign that would delay belief in the Dark Lord's return, Snape realized that he'd already played a part in spreading that discord. The coming year would have pleasant moments interspersed with very difficult ones. His frequent physical torture at the hands of the Dark Lord would be somewhat mitigated by knowing he had a hand in the psychological torture of Potter. It was better that he suffers emotional distress and live than be targeted for death. Severus put his left hand over his mouth to hide his smirk. It would be enjoyable to watch the boy squirm.

"We can fight it only by showing an equally strong bond of friendship and trust."

Friendship and trust, Dumbledore had said. There was no such thing as friendship or trust among Death Eaters, only attempts to gain greater favor and influence with the Dark Lord. It was much the same for Severus in the Order. To many of them, like Moody, Dumbledore's assurances of Snape's conversion fell on deaf ears. He would never be trusted.

As for friends at Hogwarts, Severus had none. He scanned the staff table. The shaggy head of Hagrid towered above them all; his colleagues were friendly. He observed Pomfrey; and they were sometimes helpful. Severus looked at Flitwick; but a friend was someone who wanted to be with you. He watched Sprout; and liked to talk to you. He studied McGonagall's profile; a friend was someone who would suggest outings. He focused on Dumbledore; and does things with you outside the normal work environment. The greatest regret of Snape's life was passing along the prophecy and realizing that the Dark Lord had interpreted it to mean the child of the only person who'd ever been kind to him. After what he'd done Severus didn't feel he deserved friends.

For months both before and after they'd left Hogwarts, Severus had not had a chance to talk to Lily. He was sad that she'd died without knowing he'd changed sides or that he'd tried to protect her. He was certain, however, that Dumbledore hadn't told her it had been Snape who'd put the target on her baby's head and he took some small solace in that.

"Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open."

Different habits; yeah, that describes the werewolf. Lupin, though not as much of a bully as Black & Potter, never did anything to stop their torment of me, Snape thought. Lupin never once stood up for me and he was a prefect!

Snape curled his lip and managed to suppress a snort. Lupin was his own kind of irritation; a Dark Creature who should have been put down years ago. On the contrary, the Ministry registered werewolves rather than exterminating them. Severus had thought for years that it would be better to simply get rid of Lupin so the rest of them wouldn't have to worry that the wolf would forget to take his taming potion each month. A pack of his kind could do as much damage as a pack of Death Eaters. Severus was suddenly struck by the thought that he should suggest to the Dark Lord that he try to make allies of the werewolves as he planned to do with the giants. Then Snape would recommend that Dumbledore send Lupin in as a spy. Severus almost smiled. Lupin would finally see, and by extension Black would see, that what Snape did took a different kind of courage.

"It is my belief – and never have I so hoped that I am mistaken – that we are all facing dark and difficult times. Some of you in this Hall have already suffered directly at the hands of Lord Voldemort."

It galled Severus that Dumbledore didn't even glance his way when he mentioned those who'd suffered. The old man, and every person present, was obviously thinking of the Potter boy, though Snape noticed Dumbledore hadn't looked at the brat either. And he had said 'some of you', not 'one of you'. Snape quickly quashed his very un-Slytherin feelings of jealously as he realized it would be dangerous for him to be acknowledged. His role as Death Eater and spy couldn't become common knowledge if he was to be useful to Dumbledore.

Severus sighed and studied the Golden trio – Weasley and Granger again seated on either side of Potter. Snape was being forced to work with two of the bullies who had tormented him through all his years at Hogwarts. With the younger Potter in the mix it was as if the three worst of that quartet had come back to haunt him. Add having to be around Pettigrew and Snape felt like he was sixteen again.

What had he done to deserve such punishment? Severus closed his eyes and rubbed his fingers in circles against his temples. The feeling of self-pity quickly passed and he dropped his hands and opened his eyes. He'd acknowledged long ago that he'd done things – many things – for which he needed to be punished. Even the torture inflicted by the Dark Lord wasn't too much of a price to pay. He'd never gone to prison for the murder of Jeremy Sloan. Scanning the room, Snape suppressed a snarl as he thought about how much he hated teaching. In working with these children – who needed training – who needed saving – who needed protecting – Severus recognized that he was serving his sentence in a much more useful manner than being in Azkaban. He paused at the Slytherin table.

"Many of your families have been torn asunder."

And many, many others would be before this war was over and not merely by being innocent victims of the Dark Lord. Snape contemplated the fine line he was going to have to walk in order to help the children of his house, several of whom had families that embraced the Dark side. And quite a few of those that didn't actively support the Dark Lord valued pureblood ideals and despised Muggles and Muggle-borns. Snape wanted – no needed – to turn this younger generation away from their destructive racist ideology and loyalty to the old ways. Severus's path was clear even if it would tear apart families.

"A week ago, a student was taken from our midst."

An outstanding student and a very fine young man, Severus reflected as he watched the Hufflepuff students. Diggory was trustworthy and reliable unlike that duplicitous sycophant Pettigrew. Snape clenched his fists under the table and ground his teeth. He so wanted to be alone with that little rat. Pettigrew – Wormtail – was the reason Dumbledore's protection of Lily hadn't worked and Severus longed to snap his scrawny neck. Or better yet, Severus smirked; torture him slowly until he begged to die. Sometimes Snape didn't feel the need to be respectable.

"Remember Cedric. Remember, if the time should come when you have to make a choice between what is right and what is easy, remember what happened to a boy who was good, and kind, and brave, because he strayed across the path of Lord Voldemort."

Snape knew he'd made the right choice to oppose the Dark Lord but it wasn't going to be easy. When he was Cedric's age, Severus wasn't good or kind or brave. He didn't think he'd ever been entirely evil although he did feel it was okay to get what he wanted by any means necessary; to be vindictive and selfish. Unlike Cedric, Snape hadn't accidently strayed across the path of Voldemort – Severus had gone willingly. His anger at Lily's rejection had driven him to Lord Voldemort and his love of her had turned him away.

Love… Severus studied Dumbledore's sad face intently. He's always insisted that love is the most powerful force in the world and maybe he's right. Where would I be now without my love for Lily?

"Remember Cedric Diggory."

Diggory will not be forgotten as long as I live, Snape thought. While he knew it wasn't nearly enough to atone for what he'd done, he put flowers on the graves of Jeremy Sloan and his parents each year on the anniversary of their deaths. Had he known of this ritual, Dumbledore would say that because Severus felt remorse it was proof his soul wasn't ripped beyond repair. The old man would then insult him by claiming his actions showed compassion for others. While Severus wouldn't agree with that assertion, he had started to believe he was taking small steps towards redemption. And if he could crawl from the depths of darkness, he might have the capacity to change at least some of his Slytherins.

As those in the hall rose to go to the dorms for their last night, Severus observed the mostly subdued departure. He was committed to doing what had to be done in memory of Cedric and Jeremy and all the people of both the Magical and Muggle worlds who were going to suffer. While he knew he would have to do unsavory and despicable things in the service of the Dark Lord, Snape had to believe any wrongs he committed would be outweighed by the information he'd be able to provide to the Order and Dumbledore.

Severus stood and watched Potter leave the hall flanked by Granger and Weasley. The girl had her hand placed protectively in the small of his back, while the red-head walked ever so slightly ahead like a guard. The curtain of black hair fell away from his face as Snape stretched his back and shoulders, straightening to his full height. He met Dumbledore's eyes briefly, then turned and walked from the Hall. It was – for them all –

THE BEGINNING

A/N: The underlined text in this chapter is taken directly from chapter 37 of The Goblet of Fire – the title of which is "The Beginning".