Case Docket 8 – Daily Life Under the Same Roof

Satsuke woke up with a searing headache from the remainder of Arani's venom, causing him to see double. He sat up gingerly to see a bottle of water and some painkillers on his bedside table. He couldn't help but smile at Tara's thoughtfulness as he took the pills and washed them down. Before long, he became aware of the door opening. "Sorry, Fuzz," his visitor whispered. "I wanted to let you rest, but I figured you should know that Smith is here."

Satsuke groaned. "Thank you, Tara," he said as he took another pull from the bottle. "Tell her I'll be down soon."

The arachne smiled. "Would you like some help getting dressed?" she asked. "Don't worry, Fuzz; I have no intentions of molesting you."

"If you were anyone else," he groaned, "I wouldn't believe you."

"Not that I wouldn't at some point, of course," Tara said with a three-eyed wink as she helped him with his pants.

"Yeah," Sastuke responded, "so I've been told."

After the young man finished dressing, the arachne said, "I'll help you down the stairs so you don't fall."

Satsuke nodded in thanks, then slowly got to his feet. While his legs no longer hurt, they were still weak, making it difficult to stand. "Are you feeling okay?" Tara asked. "You look pale."

"I feel a little nauseated," the young man replied. "I'll be fine, though."

"Mom got you good," the arachne said as she put one of his arms around her shoulders. She then grabbed one of Satsuke's trash cans and said, "This is in case you need to puke. Hopefully, it won't happen, though."

"Same here," Satsuke said as Tara helped him to the stairs. "Thanks."

The pair were met by Smith, as well as Zombina, Manako, and Iris. Zombina and Manako were dressed in business suits, both bearing a serious expression on their faces. The undead agent was carrying a pair of suitcases, while the smaller monoeye was carrying a plush resembling a black sunburst with a large, sinister eye in the center. "My, my, Softie-kun," Smith purred. "You look like you've seen better days."

"Shut it, Smith," Tara dared to say. "Get bitten by a large arachne and see how you feel afterwards."

"Tara, please," Satsuke groaned. He then looked at Smith and asked, "What's Iris doing here?"

"Can we talk alone in the living room?" Smith replied as Zombina and Manako led Iris upstairs.

The young man nodded, then Tara helped him into the living room and sat him gently on the couch. "Let me know if you need anything, Fuzz," Tara said before she left.

When he and Smith were alone, she smirked and said, "Looks like you two have gotten very close."

Satsuke gave her a hard look. "Please," he said, "I'm really not in the mood."

Smith raised an eyebrow. "We need a place for Iris," she said, her tone turning serious. "We can't find any families who would be willing to host a criminal."

Satsuke's original mission was to find and apprehend Iris after she had hacked a number of bank accounts to get, of all things, rare X-Men comic books. "Shouldn't we be deporting her?" Satsuke asked, his voice serious.

"You don't feel she can be reformed?" Smith asked. "I would think you, of all people, would be willing to take her in."

"Being troubled and misunderstood is one thing," Nakamura said, "theft is another. I won't do it."

"After all the assaults you've been through," Smith asked loudly, "you're not willing to take in someone with no history of violence?!"

"With the others, they were all either misunderstood intentions, self-defense, or ignorance of our customs," Satsuke replied as evenly as he could through the pounding in his head. "Iris is a hacker and a thief. That's not ignorance. I refuse, Smith."

"Are you refusing a direct order from a superior officer, Agent Nakamura?"

Satsuke gritted his teeth. "No, ma'am," he said. "I will take Iris in, but I do so under protest."

"Your protest is noted, Nakamura," Smith said as turned to leave. "That is all."

The young man waited until the other agent was out of sight, then made an obscene gesture in her direction. "So, we're taking Maggot in?" Tara broke the silence when she came back.

Satsuke responded by putting a cushion to his face and screaming. "We'll whip her into shape, Fuzz," the arachne said. "Don't worry about it."

Satsuke's response surprised the arachne. "Thank you, Tara."

"Shall we have a little talk with Maggot and lay down some ground rules before she finishes unpacking?"

"Yes," Satsuke replied, "good idea."

Tara looked over Satsuke with concern. "Are you okay?" she asked softly.

"It's nothing," he said. "Let's go see Iris."

The pair walked up the stairs to Iris's room. The diminutive monoeye had just finished unpacking when she noticed them entering the room. "Well, if it isn't Lolth and Lolicon," she said in an unfamiliar accent, her words dripping with sarcasm. "What do you want?"

"We're here to lay down some ground rules," he replied, anger evident in his voice. "You will treat me and your fellow homestays with courtesy. You are not to harrass me or your fellow homestays. You are not to provoke me or your fellow homestays. You will be polite to guests. You are going to clean up after yourself. You will help around the house. Any questions?"

"What if I don't?" Iris asked snidely.

"You don't want to know," Tara replied with a menacing grin. "Fuzz makes the rules, and I enforce them. ¿Gusano, etiendes?"

"Whatever, Lolth," the monoeye replied.

"One final rule," Satsuke said. "Any evidence of criminal activity will get you deported immediately. Are we clear?"

"You can't threaten me," Iris said defiantly.

"Are we clear?"

"We're clear, Lolicon," the monoeye replied.

"Oh, and don't call me that," Satsuke said.

"Fine," Iris said, rolling her eye. "Am I gonna meet the others or what?"

"Yes," the young man said with a nod. "Come with us."

The small monoeye picked up her plush, then the trio went into the living room to see Mala, Piper, and Vera waiting for them. After Satsuke made the introductions, the mermaid grinned and asked, "So the shrimp is gonna be livin' with us?"

"Watch who you're calling 'shrimp,' Ariel," Iris retorted.

"You will learn respect, whelp," Vera said.

"Where's Guu?" Satsuke asked, trying to defuse the brewing fight.

"She's in her room," Piper replied. "Manako and the dead lady are getting her hydrated. From the looks of her, she threw one hell of a tantrum last night." She then looked at Iris. "Is she seriously going to be living with us, Coach?"

"Not my call, Piper," he replied. "Not my call."

"It's that stupid bint from th' Agency, innit," the mermaid said. When Satsuke nodded, she continued, "Shoulda known."

The group was interrupted by the sound of someone clearing her throat. Satsuke turned and saw Manako, her face unusually serious. "Sir," she said, "may I have a word with you alone?"

"Of course, Manako," he replied. After bringing Manako to his bedroom, he asked, "What's up?"

"Be careful around Iris," she said grimly. "She's a lot more dangerous than she looks."

"How so?" Satsuke asked.

"She's a backbeard," the monoeye agent replied softly, "and before you ask me, no, I dont know why they're called that. Despite her appearance, she's actually a fully grown adult. Because of this, backbeards tend to be extremely self-conscious."

Satsuke found himself feeling a slight pang of sympathy for Iris. "So, how is she dangerous?"

"She can use her eye to hypnotize others," Manako replied, "and while it may be hard to believe, she can shoot laser beams from her eye."

"Not much is unbelievable at this point," Satsuke said with a sigh. "Thank you, Manako."

"You're welcome, Sir," the monoeye said with a bow.

Zombina came in just as Manako left the room, her expression grave. "I heard you had words with Agent Smartass," she said.

"If it's all the same, I'd rather not talk about it," he said. "My head is pounding."

"Listen, Fresh Meat," the undead woman began, "she was all about firing your ass, but I stuck my neck out for you. She nearly took my head off for that, but if it weren't for me, you'd be back pedaling your ass off in the park."

"Too bad," he said evenly.

"'Seriously?" Zombina asked incredulously. "I never imagined you'd be so selfish."

"I joined MON to help apprehend criminals, and so far, all I'm being used for is bait. Then, the one time I'm sent out on a real job, I end up having to shelter the perp," Satsuke said as he stood up and pounded the wall with a wince. "I swear I'm the only human here who knows what the fuck they're doing, and I've only had this job for less than a goddamned month! If Smith weren't so fucking lazy and incompetent, we wouldn't be having so many problems! I'm fucking done with this."

His partner looked at him, her face devoid of expression. After an awkward pause, a smile slowly crept across her cold lips. "It's about time you grew a backbone, Fresh Meat," she said. "Now, sit your sweet ass down and take a deep breath."

The human agent did as she instructed, managing to calm himself somewhat. She then grabbed another chair and faced him. "Look at me, Satsuke," she said as she sat down, then lifted his chin gently. "I get where you're coming from. Hell, I can't say I disagree with you. I was all about kicking her scrawny ass out of the country, but Agent Smartass decided that she was gonna pull rank.

"I'm your partner, and I'm your friend," Zombina continued. "If you have a problem with anything, talk to me. I've got your back, and I know you have mine.

"You've come a long way, Fresh Meat," Zombina concluded as she clapped him on the back, causing her arm to fall off in the process. "I still remember when you were quaking in your boots that night at the warehouse. Now you were not only able to stand up to an arachne who's a lot bigger and meaner than the one in the warehouse, but you stood up for yourself against a superior officer, which can be even scarier. I don't think you would've been able to do that back then. I'm real proud of you, man." The zombie scrutinized her friend. "Look, if you still want to quit, I won't stop you. Shit, I'll even do what I can to see that you get your old job back. Just do me a favor and think about it, okay? I don't want you to do something and regret it later."

"I will, thank you," Satsuke said as he embraced his partner, "I really appreciate that."

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to have your spider girlfriend put my arm back on," Zombina concluded.

Satsuke's beet red face did not go unnoticed by his partner. "Looks like, deep down, you've made your choice," she said softly. "Would you have blushed like that if I had said your 'shark girlfriend?'"

The human agent turned his head and put his hand in front of his face in a vain attempt to hide it. "I see," Zombina said. "I'll drop the topic and leave you alone for now. You've been through enough."

"Thanks, Zombina," Satsuke said as he laid down. "Can you tell Tara to handle things? I need to take a nap. My head still hurts from last night.

"Sure thing, Fresh Meat," his undead friend said as she walked to the door. "Like I said, if you need to talk, call me. Whatever you say, Agent Smartass won't hear it from me."

The young agent was almost asleep when he became aware of a presence in the room. When he opened his eyes, he saw a purified Guu in front of him. "Hello, Sweetheart," she purred. "I thought I'd check up on you after that rough night you had."

"I'm fine, Guu," he said. "I'm just very tired." He then smiled and said, "I see you've cleaned up."

"Yes," the slime said. "I'm sorry that I… polluted myself. We thought you were in danger, and I'm a lot stronger when I am full of toxins."

"It's okay, Guu," Satsuke said, touching a viscous hand. "I appreciate all that you girls have done for me."

"So," Guu said with a lascivious smile, "who's the new cutie?"

"The less said about her, the better right now," the agent said as he buried his face into the pillow. "At this point, all I want is some sleep."

"I can help you relax, if you'd like," the slime said with a lewd wink.

The slime got no response other than light snoring. "Hmm, too bad," she said as she walked to the door. "Sleep well, Sweetheart."

Satsuke was asleep mere hours when he was suddenly woken up to the noise of what sounded like a war downstairs. I'm gonna kill Smith, he thought to himself as he ran down the stairs. It was never this bad until that brat came here.

When he arrived in the living room, he was greeted with the sight of an all-out brawl. Mala was hanging from Tara's back, holding on for dear life, while Vera was holding Iris back. In the middle was Piper trying to keep the arachne and the backbeard separate. On the wall was numerous imprints of where bodies impacted them. Seated off to the side was a blackened Guu sipping bleach and eating mothballs as if they were popcorn. The stuffing on the couch had been ripped out, the coffee table was in pieces, and there were what appeared to be scorch marks on the wall. He bolted towards the closet that had his police gear and got his whistle, as well as Guu's time-out vat. After vacuuming the slime into the vat, he blew his whistle as loudly as he could. "ENOUGH!" Satsuke screamed.

The group immediately stopped fighting and looked at the agent. Suddenly, a beam of light shot from Iris's eye and narrowly missed Satsuke's shoulder. In response, Tara sent a fist into the back of Iris's head, knocking her to the floor. "Everybody, in the corner. Now!" Nakamura shouted.

The entire group obeyed, Piper carrying Guu's tank along the way. "Right now," he said, "I don't even care who started it or who took part in it." He then gestured towards the mess. "This stops now."

He then noticed a smug expression on the arachne's face. "Stop grinning, Tara," he growled, "nobody 'won.'

"Now," he continued after inhaling deeply, "are you all okay?"

"Aye, Chum," Mala said, showing several missing teeth. "I'll be needin' t' put in me retainer at some point. I'm sorry, Chum. I tried t' stop it."

Satsuke took another deep breath. He had never felt so angry in his life, and it was all he could do to keep from exploding. "Go to your room and put in your retainer. Sleep it off."

"Aye," the mermaid responded softly as she wheeled herself out. "Sorry, Chum."

"Piper," Nakamura said, "ice your bruises, then go to your room."

"Okay, Coach," the echidna whispered as she slithered away. "Sorry."

The agent felt his anger slipping away with Mala and Piper's apologies. "May I be excused, Keeper?" Vera asked.

"Yes," Satsuke said. "Ice your bruises, then go to your room."

He then walked up to Tara and Iris. Tara's face was twitching, as if she was also trying to keep from exploding. Iris simply looked annoyed. "I suppose you want to look me over, Lolicon?" she asked. "I'll bet you just can't wait to get your hands on me"

"Iris," he said, his voice a low growl, "I'm not even remotely attracted to you. Hell, right now I can't even stand to be in the same room as you." He then looked her in the eye and said, "Get out of my sight. Now."

"Fine!" the monoeye yelled before storming off.

He then looked up at Tara, who was staring him with a blank expression. "Do you feel better now, Fuzz?" she asked evenly. "Did it feel good saying that shit to her?"

Satsuke fell to his knees and began to cry uncontrollably. "No," he whispered. "I don't deserve to be your host. I don't deserve you girls."

The young agent felt a clawed hand stroking his back. "Look, Satsuke," the arachne said softly, "I know you were speaking out of anger. Hell, I've never seen you get that mad, and honestly, I never want to see that again.

"Look at me," she continued. When he did as she said, he saw an expression devoid of judgment. "I know I don't need to tell you that you were out of line. However, I can't say I don't get where you're coming from. I have no problem taking full responsibility for what just happened. She pushed me and pushed me until I exploded. The others tried to stop the fight. I just wasn't thinking.

"I'm really sorry about this," she concluded. "Believe me when I tell you, you're an amazing host. You've been there for all of us, and if anyone can turn Maggot around, it's you."

Satsuke felt himself becoming overwhelmed with emotion again, then buried his face into Tara's chest and began sobbing. "It's okay, Satsuke," she said as she put her furred arms around him. "Let it out. You've done the same for me."

After some time, the arachne let him go so he could blow his nose. "Are you okay now?" she asked gently.

"Yes, thank you," Satsuke replied. "I'll go and apologize to Iris."

"Good," Tara responded. "I'll go and do the same after I call up the corpse to get some new furniture and to patch up the walls."

"Thank you," he said as he finished drying his eyes. "Wish me luck."

"Of course, Fuzz," the arachne said with a smile. "Don't forget, I'm watching you."

The young agent smiled back, then walked up the stairs and stood outside of Iris's bedroom door. "Iris," he said softly after knocking, "can I talk to you for a moment?"

"What do you want, Lolicon?" came the response. "I thought you couldn't stand to be in the same room as me!"

"I'm sorry that I said that," he responded, his voice still gentle. "That was wrong of me. Can I come in?"

After a moment, the door opened to reveal the disheveled backbeard, her eye bloodshot and her face still wet with tears. "Fine," she said. "It's your house, anyways. Besides, you're probably gonna kick me out of Japan because of this, so what does it matter?"

Satsuke stepped in and sat on the chair near Iris's desk. It felt like it was about to buckle under his weight. He noted that the room was decorated much like how a female otaku would. She had two large bookshelves filled to capacity with manga and American comic books, with numerous figurines of anime characters and superheroes. A figurine of Cyclops from X-Men was placed in prominence, and behind the girl's bed was a large poster of Cyclops with cutouts of hearts surrounding it. "Look, Lolicon," she began, "I don't blame you for hating me. I've been nothing but a little bitch to you, and this was after you saved me from Lolth's mother."

"Must you call me 'Lolicon?'" he asked.

"It's a habit," she said. "Most of the guys who I've encountered get really hot and bothered when they find out that I'm their age. It's like I'm a 'legal alternative' for them. Hell, some of the guys that have hosted me have actually tried shit with me. It's gross."

"That's awful," Satsuke said, revulsion showing plainly on his face.

"Look, I know it's no excuse, but those cards that I hacked belonged to those guys," she said. "I figured it was suitable payback for them trying to get in my panties.

"As to how I got them," Iris continued with a giggle, "a little hypnosis and suggestion, and they willingly gave them up."

Satsuke smiled at the monoeye and said, "I understand why you did what you did. Still, I can't let you off the hook. With that in mind, I will reduce the penalty to community service, starting with helping Tara clean up the mess you two made in the living room."

"Lolth did most of the damage," Iris retorted.

"Yes," he said firmly, "but you did provoke her. This is why I said that you are to 'help' clean up the living room."

The backbeard shrugged her shoulders. "Fair enough," she said. "I'm sorry for all of what happened. I was out of line."

"It's okay, Iris," Satsuke responded with a smile. "I was, too."

"I'll try and stop calling you 'Lolicon,'" she said. "It'll be a hard habit, though. I know you're different. In case you're wondering, everyone wanted to kick my ass earlier because I was badmouthing you. I seriously thought that Ariel was gonna eat me, and that Lolth was going to rip me to shreds."

"Just be glad that you didn't call Mako 'Captain Sparrow,'" Satsuke said with a chuckle. "I don't think she would've held herself back."

"Why?" Iris asked, genuinely confused. "I loved that movie."

The young agent shrugged. "I don't know," he said. "I've been meaning to ask her for a while now. Anyway, I'll go check on her to see if she's all right."

"Okay," Iris responded as she got up and straightened her clothes. "I'll go help Lolth with the living room." She then looked up at Satsuke with a smile and said, "Thanks for listening to me."

"It's what I'm here for," he responded, smiling back. "Just letting you know that Tara has a rather... unique way of speaking to people. Try not to take what she says personally."

The two parted company at the living room, with the agent telling Tara that the diminutive monoeye will do what she could do to help clean. The arachne pointed to a broom and said, "Start sweeping the floor, Maggot. You can manage that, can't you?"

Iris was about to yell at Tara until she saw her pick up the destroyed couch as if it were a piece of paper, making it easier to sweep under it. "You waiting for an invitation?" Tara snarled. "Get to work!"

Iris nodded, then grabbed the broom and began sweeping. So that's what he meant by 'unique,' she thought to herself. Meanwhile, Satsuke had stepped into the cellar and knocked on the mermaid's bedroom door. "Mala," he said, "can I come in?"

"Really rather ye didn't," she said with a distinct lisp, "but go ahead."

He stepped in and saw the mermaid with her right arm in a sling, and holding a bag of ice over her eye with her left hand. She had numerous bruises on her face, with an eyepatch on her right eye. In her mouth was a well-used retainer. "Ahoy, Chum," she said weakly. "As ye can see, I've seen better days."

"Do you need me to call a doctor?" Satsuke asked.

"Naw," she replied with a pained chuckle. "I look worse than I actually am.

"Ye scared me earlier, Chum," she continued, tears welling in her visible eye. "I ne'er wanna see ye like that again."

The young man understood the gravity of his outburst, making him queasy. He crouched down and gently placed his arms around the mermaid. "I never want to be like that again," he said softly. "I'm really sorry, Mala. Can you forgive me?"

He felt Mala's body shaking with sobs. "Of course, me love," she replied softly. When she calmed down, she said, "I hurt all over, Chum. Can ye take me clothes off and put me in th' water? A soak will do me some good."

"Are you sure the salt water won't make it worse?" Satsuke asked.

"Ye're funny, Chum," Mala replied with a toothless grin. "Ye forget where I'm from"

"Of course," he said as he gently took her sling and eyepatch off, gently grazing her nose in the process. "Is taking your clothes off really necessary?"

"Nah," she replied with a wink. "Jus' want ye to get me naked."

The agent chuckled awkwardly as he disrobed Mala as gently as he could, doing his best to keep from getting a good look at her body. "Can ye rub the side of me nose a bit?" she asked. "Me arm hurts and I canna get to it."

"Okay," he said with a smile.

As he rubbed her nose, he saw that she became noticeably relaxed. "Aye, ye're good at that," she purred. "I'm startin' t' feel better already. Now the other side's a bit itchy. Can ye get that fer me?"

Satsuke started rubbing the other side of Mala's nose when he remembered what she had said the day they met about how sensitive her nose was, and understood what she was getting him to do. "Oh, don't ye stop," she said with a guttural groan. "It's almost gone." Her words got cut off when her body tensed up, causing her to cry out.

Satsuke stood in a daze as blood flowed from his nose freely. Mala looked up with a euphoric smile and said, "Sorry t' do that t' ye, Chum. I figured it'd help get rid o' some o' th' pain. Now wipe yer nose an' get me in th' water 'fore ye get me goin' again."

The young agent nodded and watched as the mermaid sank to the bottom of her pool. On his way out, he visited Guu's chamber. He saw that the room was covered in black slime, apparently from Guu expelling her toxins to the point where she was no larger than a bowling ball. Frantically, Satsuke turned the nearest valve, and soon the slime's tub filled to the point of overflowing. Before he knew it, Guu was back to full-sized, her hue pink and unusually cloudy, and her expression serious. "Are you okay, Guu?" he called through the microphone.

"I am well," she said as she donned her raincoat. "Thank you, Satsuke. It is safe to let me out now."

The young man was dumbfounded until he saw that there were two valves on the panel. I wonder when Smith was planning to tell me about the mineral water valve, he thought to himself. He then opened the door, and the slime stepped out of the chamber. "Your expression tells me of your confusion regarding my current state," she said. "Smith had a crew set up the chamber for different kinds of water while you, Tara, and I were in Aokigahara. As is her wont, she neglected to inform you of the change. I would try to read her thoughts, but it would appear that my efforts would be fruitless.

"Oh, and in case you are wondering," she continued, "I still have a very high libido, as well as nigh-unbearable affection and desire for you. You're a patient and kind man, despite your prior outburst."

"I'm really sorry about that," he said, sorrow evident in his voice. "It was wrong of me to take it out on all of you."

"There is no reason to apologize," the slime responded with a smile. "Your anger was well-founded, and even the most docile man has his limit. Furthermore, placing me into my vat was the correct course of action, given my especially toxic state at that moment. I bear you no ill will for that, Satsuke. I love you, and that love remains as strong as it has since the night of that full moon, which is why I saved you. When I saw you in danger, my only thought was to save you. In the state I was in at that moment, I would have let you perish had you been any other man.

"May I read your thoughts?" Guu asked. "I need to know how you feel."

When Satsuke nodded, she snaked out a tendril and placed it on his forehead. "You love all of us," she said warmly, "and your feelings are growing for even Iris, as much as she frustrates you.

"If I may offer some advice," she continued, "the most logical course of action would be to reject all of us. Yes, we would all be hurt, but we all understand the pressure you are under, and it is as unfair for you as it is for us. It is inevitable that Iris and Vera would develop intense feelings for you, as well, which will only serve to compound the agony for all of us.

"Consider my words, Satsuke Nakamura," she concluded. "You must do what is right for you. Now, go and make amends to Piper and Vera. They are most likely hurt and frightened."

"Of course," he said. "Thank you for your understanding."

"You are welcome, Satsuke," she said. "If you ever need advice, feel free to come to me bearing mineral water, and if your sexual desires ever become too much, I am also available for that. You can trust me to be discreet."

Satsuke blushed, then walked up the stairs to Piper's room and knocked on her door. "May I come in?"

"Sure, Coach!" came the surprisingly cheerful reply. The door opened revealing the bruised but smiling face of the echidna. "Come on in!"

"I'm really sorry about my outburst earlier," he said as he sat down on her bed. "I was out of line. I could see that you were trying to break it up."

"You were pissed, Coach," Piper replied, patting his shoulder. "Granted, I hope to Hell that I never see you get that pissed ever again, but hey, we're cool."

The young man was so grateful that he couldn't resist hugging the lamia. "Thanks, Piper," he said.

"Don't sweat it, Coach," she said as she started unconsciously wrapping her tail around Satsuke. "I still think you're a great guy. I wouldn't love you if you weren't."

Nakamura could feel Piper's tail compressing him to the point where he couldn't inhale. "Umm, Piper," he rasped. "I can't breathe." When he didn't get a response, he said as loudly as he could, "Piper, let me go."

"Shit," she said as she relaxed her hold on him. "Sorry about that. I was just feeling emotional because you hugged me."

"It's all right," Satsuke said with a cough and a smile. "I'll go check on Vera, then make lunch. I'm sure you're all hungry."

"I'll go see if Tara and Iris need any help," the echidna responded perkily as she slithered off.

He then walked back downstairs and knocked on Vera's door. The wyvern answered the door soon after. She bore numerous bruises on her body, but was otherwise unharmed. "Oh, hello, Keeper," she said with a smile. "Please, come in."

Satsuke sat on Vera's bed as he had done with Piper. It had occurred to him that he had never seen the wyvern's bedroom. Unlike the others, Vera's room was decorated very opulently. Painted portraits of what he assumed were members of her family adorned the walls, and her furniture looked like it had been made centuries ago. "I'm really sorry about yelling like that, Vera," he said after taking a deep breath.

"Oh, it is quite all right," she said with a smile. "To the contrary, I found your outburst quite impressive. You stood tall like a king, bringing order to his fiefdom. I am proud to have borne witness to such a display of dominance."

Nakamura felt himself growing uncomfortable with her words, as flattering as they were. "I'm glad I didn't upset you," he said awkwardly.

"Upset me? Oh, no," the wyvern said, her eyes unusually wide. "In fact, I would be honored if you would take me now. Make me yours! A man such as you can give a woman strong offspring, destined for greatness! Please, Keeper! Be my Marduk, and make me your Tiamat! KEEP ME!"

Oh God, no, Satuske said in his mind. Suddenly, a flash of light erupted into the room, scorching the far wall of Vera's bedroom. "Hurry it up, Lolicon!" the pair heard from the doorway. "I'm hungry!"

Your timing is impeccable, Iris, he thought to himself. I'm not even angry at you for calling me that. "Yes, of course," he said as he stood up. "Come, Vera. Let's have lunch."

Vera composed herself as well as she could, then nodded. "Of course, Keeper," she said. "Pray forgive my earlier outburst."

"It's all right," Satsuke said. "You two go ahead. I'll let Guu out and check on Mako."

Satsuke couldn't help but notice Iris glaring at him occasionally with an expression that could only be described as jealousy. Not you, too, Satsuke thought to himself with an inward groan. "Hurry it up, Lolicon," the backbeard said before she boarded the lift. "I don't trust Lolth's cooking."

Satsuke almost chided Iris, but gave up with a shrug. He then peered through the window to see the pink slime looking at him expectantly with a wry grin on her face. "Come, Guu," the young man said when he opened the chamber door, "it's almost time for lunch."

"I can see that," Guu said with a wink. "Nice to see that you deliver."

Satsuke cleared his throat. "I-I-I'll meet you in the kitchen with the others," he stammered.

"Are you sure?" the slime purred as she approached him. "I can help you work up an appetite."

"I'm not thinkin' so, lass," Satsuke heard Mala say from behind him.

The young man turned and saw the welcomed sight of his mermaid friend. She was still bruised, but much better than how she was. "My teeth are in an' I'm ready to eat, Chum," she said with a grin.

The rest of the day went by surprisingly smoothly, given the temperament of the household's new addition. The night closed with a shocking lack of bickering, with the only commotion being Mala stealing Piper's panties again, Vera trying to dodge Guu's advances, and Tara throwing the backbeard into the wall before going to bed. Despite the exhaustion he felt, Satsuke felt himself smiling as he laid down, and promptly fell asleep.

x

The following day, one bearing a telescope and a penchant for voyeurism could see Piper the echidna and Tara the arachne laying nude on the roof. It was an unusually hot and arid day. It was unbearable for the others, but not for the echidna and the large arachne. Both girls were from the desert, so for them, it was a perfect day to get some sun.

"I've forgotten how good this feels," Piper said as she sipped her hard lemonade. "Just like home."

Tara, being sensitive to especially bright light, laid under an umbrella wearing a dark sunvisor over her six eyes. Still, she sighed with contentment in between sips of her iced latte. "It's better than home," Tara responded with a smile. "We don't have drinks like this in the desert."

"I'll drink to that!" Piper said enthusiastically.

The girls clinked their bottles, then took another sip of their drinks. "I hope no one sees us like this," the arachne said softly.

"What, naked?" Piper asked.

"No," Tara replied. "Getting along."

The echidna giggled. "I know, right?"

The pair basked in silence for several minutes more. "Why do you play dumb?" Tara asked suddenly.

"The opposite reason for your 'mean bitch' act," Piper replied seriously. "I don't want people to immediately think I'm going to bite them." After a pause, she asked, "What were you and Mako talking about that night your Ma nabbed Coach? I heard something about that other mermaid that came to see her, and why she got so upset afterwards."

"What's it to you, Knucklehead?" Tara responded, her tone more hostile than she intended.

"I care about her," the echidna replied softly after taking another sip. "She's always so cheerful. When I heard her crying like that, it really upset me."

The arachne looked at Piper, then finished her iced latte. "If it bothers you that much, ask her," she said. "If she wants you to know, she'll tell you."

Piper smiled. "Always the logical one," she said.

"Someone has to be," Tara muttered. She then got up and put her clothes on. "I'm going in. Remind me to throw you into a wall later."

"Okay," the echidna responded, the smile never leaving her face.

Piper finished her bottle, rolled over, then opened another bottle of lemonade. "Ahh, this is the life," Piper said softly to herself.

"It is a rather delightful day, is it not?" she heard Vera say from overhead.

Piper turned and saw that the wyvern had touched down onto the roof. "I know I am not to stray without Keeper, but it was such a lovely day for a flight, I just could not resist," Vera continued with a smile.

"Don't worry," Piper responded cheerfully. "Your secret's safe with me." She then gestured to a nearby lounge chair and said, "Join me for some sunbathing. There's supposed to be a nasty storm tonight and tomorrow, so get some sun while you can."

"Oh, all right," Vera said as she brought the chair and placed it next to the lounging echidna. She then disrobed and laid down. "Would you mind opening one of those for me?" she asked.

"Sure!" Piper said as she grabbed a bottle, then popped the cap open with a claw. "Nothing like cold drinks under the hot sun with friends."

Vera took a sip and lay back. "I must agree," she said. She then turned to Piper and asked, "Is Keeper all right? He seems to be distressed, and has been since the little one came to live with us."

"I don't think Iris is that bad," Piper replied. "Sure, she's annoying, but no worse than the rest of us. Hell, compared to what we went through with Guu, Iris is..." the echidna thought of the best phrase to use with the literal-minded wyvern, "not nearly as difficult."

"It is not about her," Vera said after another sip. "He just seems unhappy, even beyond his conflicted feelings for us."

"If he's that upset, I'm sure he'd have talked to Tara about it," Piper said.

"What is she to Keeper?"

"I don't really know, to be honest," the echidna said as she shrugged her shoulders. "He confides in her a lot, probably because she's so serious. Still, it's obvious that they're best friends, and probably will be for life."

"What about the mermaid?"

"Oh, she wants to fuck him, that's for sure!" Piper said with a laugh. "As it is, when she got back from her fishing trip, it was obvious that her feelings went beyond physical."

"The mermaid is highly peculiar," Vera said, "and I suspect that she is unusual even for one of her kind. I could not help but overhear what you were saying to Tara about another mermaid, and how her meeting with Mako distressed her greatly."

"I'll tell you what Tara just told me," Piper responded. "If she wants you to know, she'll tell you. Mako doesn't seem like the secretive type, so if there's something that she's hiding about herself, it's probably pretty major." She then turned onto her side. "I'm gonna go inside now. I'm getting pretty hungry, and I'm sure Tara's got something cooking for lunch."

"What about you?" the wyvern asked as they got dressed. "What is Keeper to you?"

The echidna didn't want to give the wyvern too much information. After she hemmed and hawed, she replied, "Coach is my sugar daddy!"

"But he doesn't buy you anything," came a voice startling the reptilian pair.

Piper whipped around, accidentally knocking Iris off the roof with her tail. With exceptionally quick reflexes, Vera swooped down and picked up the monoeye with her talons, then set her gently on the roof. "Be more careful next time, little one," the wyvern chided. "You might not be so lucky next time."

"Where the fuck is Lolicon?" Iris asked, ignoring the warning. "He should be here making lunch."

"He has a job, Pipsqueak," Piper replied angrily. "He's probably out on patrol."

"Tara cooks meals in his absence," Vera added. "Speaking of which, it should be ready by now. You need not worry, little one. She is a highly competent cook."

Almost on cue, Tara opened the door and said, "Lunch is ready. Get your asses into the kitchen before Fish Face eats it all."

Meanwhile, at the park, Satsuke wrestled with the decision he was about to make. As livid as he still was at Smith, he had no desire to burn any bridges with her. After all, he thought to himself, as lazy as she is, she's always had the girls' interests at heart, even if she doesn't seem to care about anyone else's. The ring of his phone snapped him back to reality. "Hey, Fresh Meat," came the familiar gravelly voice through the speaker, her tone grave. "Drop what you're doing and come home right away. The crew and I found something that you'll need to see."

"Of course," he responded as he turned his bike around, "I'm on my way."

Satsuke's mind raced quicker than the wheels of his bicycle on his way home. I know it's been a while since my last report, he thought to himself. What's going on?

He walked into the house to see all the girls waiting for him, noticing that Guu had retoxified herself. "Hiya, Coach!" Piper greeted. "Welcome home!"

"Chum," Mala said with a grin.

"Fuzz," Tara said in a well-rehearsed grumble.

"Keeper."

"God damned Lolicon."

"Hey, motherfucker," Guu said, more agitated than she had ever been. "The dead whore is here. Mind telling us what the fuck is going on?"

"Can't say in front of you girls," Zombina said as she stepped into the hallway from the living room. "It's classified. If Fresh Meat wants to tell you afterwards, it's on him." She then looked up at Satsuke and said, "Come into your office."

When the pair went into Satsuke's office, Zombina picked up a folder and handed it to her confused partner. "What am I looking at?" he asked as he skimmed its contents.

"Read it, and don't tell Agent Smartass anything," his undead partner replied, "and don't ask how I got it. All I can say is that it may or may not have involved Doppel."

Satsuke nodded as he pored over the documents. It detailed how he had first gotten the attention of the Agency back when he first met Kurusu, and decided to keep tabs on him since the incident at the warehouse. "They've been watching me this whole time?!" he cried.

"Keep reading, and keep your voice down."

He skimmed until he got to an entry made on the day he visited Kurusu, and that they had made contact with Chief Shimizu. "Subject has been placed under suspension," he read aloud. "Smith to make contact in order to commence Operation: Halfway House." He slammed the papers down on his desk. "That's it," he growled. "I quit."

"Figured you might," she said with a frown as she picked up the documents. "This means that you will be relieved of all duties with the Agency, and that you will no longer be sending us reports. You're already signed on as the girls' host, and since you haven't done anything prohibited with them, this won't be revoked.

"Unfortunately," Zombina continued as she straightened out the papers, "Agent Smartass will be your liaison with the Agency from now on. Iris is staying, as she was pardoned the moment you signed her papers. Of course, if she gives you too many problems and needs to be scared straight, don't hesitate to call one of us. You might not be MON anymore, but we'll still have your back. Before I leave, I will contact Chief Shimizu and have him give you your old job back." Her tone became conspiratorial. "Between you and me: he's been begging us to give you back, so he'll be glad to hear that you're returning to the force."

Satsuke did his best to keep a stoic façade, but inside he was leaping for joy as the undead woman spoke to Shimizu. "Now," she said after hanging up, "you will be starting your 'retraining' next Monday. Until then, sit back and relax with the girls. I recommend being extra nice to Agent Smartass for a while, no matter how much she presses your buttons, and believe me, she will after this. Don't tell her anything, as tempting as it may be."

"Tell her what?" Satsuke asked with a wink.

"Good boy," she said, then wrapped her friend in a hug. "It's been a pleasure, Fresh Meat. Keep in touch, you hear?"

"Same here," he said. "Thanks for always having my back."

"You know," Zombina said before opening the door, "this means you'll no longer be my partner, and if you recall my early policy about not getting involved with my partners..." She then laughed when she saw Satsuke's reaction. "Relax, Fresh Meat," she said, "I'm only joking.

"Still," she continued, "it's like I said before: dead girls don't say no." With another laugh, she opened the door and concluded, "See you around, Fresh Meat."

Satsuke sat back in his chair and, when the door closed behind Zombina, exhaled a sigh of relief as he felt the weight lift from his shoulders. As angry as he was at the Agency for using him, he felt a sense of vindication from having his suspicions confirmed. His reverie was interrupted by a knock on his office door, followed by Tara scuttling into the room. "Everything okay?" the arachne asked.

His smile became wider as he looked at his friend. "Yes," Satsuke said jubilantly.

Tara smiled warmly. "Happiness looks good on you, Satsuke," she said. "Wanna tell me why?"

"Technically," he said, "I'm not supposed to, since it's classified MON information. But-"

"You're gonna tell me anyway," the arachne said, finishing Satsuke's sentence, "because there are no secrets between us."

The young man simply smiled in response, then said, "What I was going to say is that I no longer have access to MON cases. I'm just a police officer who rides a bike, and a host to six liminal girls. Nothing more."

"Did that bitch fire you?" Tara snarled. "Because so help me, I-"

"I quit," Satsuke concluded, grinning even wider.

The arachne stepped back. "Okay," she said, "who are you and what have you done with Fuzz?" She then squealed and wrapped the young man in a crushing hug. "I'm so proud of you, Fuzz," she said as her eight legs skittered in place. "This calls for a feast so we can celebrate."

"Ahoy, mates," the pair heard Mala say from the door, "did I 'ear someone say 'feast'? What's th' occasion?"

Tara put Satsuke down and cleared her throat. "Fuzz quit MON. He's going back to being a cop."

Mala leaped from her chair and wrapped her arms around her human friend, knocking him off his feet. "Good work, Chum!" the mermaid said with a toothy grin. "Back t' doin' what ye love. I knew ye weren't happy takin' orders from that stupid bint." She then kissed him hard on the cheek, and motioned the arachne to put her back in her chair. "I'll go t' me room and get me best rum."

The police officer got up, then opened a cabinet. "I have something better," he said as he pulled out a tray bearing two large bottles of sake and seven cups. "Only the best for my dearest friends."

"If that's the case," Tara said, turning serious, "we should make this a formal occasion. I'll let everyone know that they need to be ready and in the dining room by 7 pm."

"I'll go let Pipes know," Mala said with a nod. "We'll be there at 1900, Legs!"

The arachne nodded, and the three left Satsuke's office, with the young man going up to his bedroom to get ready. The mermaid wheeled herself to Piper's bedroom and knocked on the door. "Oh, hey!" the echidna said with a smile. "What's up, Mako?"

"Legs is makin' us a big fancy dinner fer an announcement Chum's makin'," the mermaid said, then cast her gaze downward. "I was thinkin', since ye made 'im look all pretty, ye might help me out."

Piper was struck dumb. "Let me get this straight," she said. "The great pirate captain, Mako the Merciless, wants me to give her a makeover."

"Don't be makin' a big fuss, ye daft serpent," Mala grumbled. "I jus'… well..."

The echidna grabbed the handlebars of the wheelchair and yanked the mermaid into the bedroom. "Don't worry, Mako!" she said. "I'll make you look like a princess!"

"Don't ye ever use the 'p' word aroun' me again," Mala snapped. "Ever!"

"Whoa," Piper said with her hands up as she slithered back. "That was kinda uncalled-for, especially since you're the one who came to me. What was up with that?"

The mermaid sighed. "Sorry 'bout that, Pipes," she said. "Dinna think that'd be such a sore spot. Ain't yer fault."

"Can I ask you something?" Piper said. When Mala nodded, she asked, "Who was that mermaid that came by a while back? Did she say something that upset you?"

"What's it to ye?" Mala asked, more harshly than intended.

"If she did upset you," Piper said, "I'll turn her into sashimi. You and I are friends, right?"

"Aye," the mermaid said with a nod. "Look, Chum an' Legs already know, an' I dinna see no harm in tellin' ye, since I ne'er knew ye t' have loose lips." After a pause, Mala continued, "That other mermaid's me cousin I ne'er knew about. Turns out th' hag who raised me weren't me real mum, and me real mum was sister t' the queen. She died when I was a wee guppy."

Piper looked as if she was about to cry. "Oh, Mako," she said as she put her arms around her friend, "I'm so sorry."

"Bah," the mermaid said. "Ain't nothin' to make a fuss about. I guess I jus' don't like bein' reminded that I'm royalty."

The echidna sat back up, then said, "Nah, you're better than royalty. Pirates are way cooler, and you're the coolest one I know. I mean, you're the only one I know, but still.

"Anyways, let's get started!" she continued. "When I'm done with you, you'll be the sexiest pirate princess on the seven seas!"

Meanwhile, Tara was on her way to Iris's room after having informed Vera and cleaning up Guu. When she got to the door, she heard the diminutive monoeye yelling, "Come on, Tank! Get your shit together!"

Tara pounded on the door and shouted, "You get your shit together, Maggot!"

The door swung open, revealing Iris wearing only an oversize tank top that barely covered her lower half. Only the glow of a flatscreen monitor illuminated the room, and the only sounds were that of an apparent sword fight. "Whaddaya want, Lolth?"

"The name's 'Tara', Maggot," the arachne snarled. "Dinner's gonna be ready at 7. Make yourself presentable by then, and I do mean 'presentable'. This is important."

"It better be, Tara," Iris said, using the arachne's name mockingly.

The arachne crouched down, and looked at the backbeard menacingly. "Don't test me, Maggot," she said with a growl. "I'll make your earlier beating feel like love-taps in comparison."

"Oooh, I'm so scared," the monoeye said.

"You know what?" Tara said evenly while avoiding Iris's gaze. "I think you are. I think you're fucking terrified. I can smell the fear emanating from your pores."

"Oh yeah?" Iris responded. "And how would you know?"

"I'm gonna level with you, Maggot," the arachne said. "I was, too, when I got here. Fuzz told me everything you told him, and before you get pissy at him, he tells me everything." After a pause, she said, "You and I are more alike than you know, Iris."

The monoeye looked at Tara plainly, then nodded. "What an idiot," she said. "Whoever he was had the beating coming."

"Trust me," the arachne said with a smile, "it would be worth me getting deported for beating the guys who tried hurting you to a bloody pulp.

"Look, Maggot," she continued, "I think we can actually be friends if you lose the attitude."

Iris nodded. "Okay, Tara," she said with a slight smile. "So this dinner's important, huh?"

"Yeah," the arachne said with a nod. "Speaking of which, I better get started." She then picked Iris up and threw her into the wall. "¡Darse prisa!"

The crash was heard by Satsuke as he put on his dress uniform. It felt stiff, reminding him that he had never worn it before. Looking at his reflection, he couldn't resist standing at attention and saluting. "At ease, Officer Nakamura," he said with a grin. After fussing with his hair, he checked the time and saw that it was after 6 pm. I better head down to the dining room, he thought to himself.

When he stepped in, he saw that Tara wasn't exaggerating when she said she would prepare a feast. Platters and bowls of food adorned the table, and the pungent aroma of spices hung in the air. She must've been in the mood for Indian, Satsuke silently mused with a chuckle. "Don't even think of sampling any, Fuzz," he heard Tara shout from the kitchen.

"Wouldn't dream of it," he replied. "It smells delicious."

The arachne poked her head through the door. "Muchas gracias, Fuzz," she said, smiling sweetly. "It's my first attempt at Indian food. I hope everyone likes it." She then scuttled into the dining room, stopping to appraise her human friend's appearance. "You look amazing, Satsuke," she said.

The young man blushed and squirmed self-consciously. "Now, I need to get ready," Tara continued. "I'll be back soon."

Minutes passed like hours to Satsuke as he waited for the girls, and his stomach protested the wait. The first of whom was Vera, who dressed in the long, black, form-fitting evening gown that she got from the echidna. "Something smells wonderful," the wyvern said. She then looked up at Satsuke and said, "You look marvelous, Keeper."

"You look great, too, Vera," the young man said with a smile.

Vera blushed slightly. "Thank you, Keeper," she said. "I had Piper make some alterations so it would fit. As you know, my wings limit me."

"Come sit down. The others should be down, soon."

No sooner that he said that when Guu entered. While she only wore her raincoat and galoshes, she was a cloudy pink color. This indicated to Satsuke that she would be on her best behavior for the meal. "You look good in your uniform, Satsuke," the slime said, smiling seductively. Appraising Vera, she continued, "As do you."

Before the wyvern could protest, Iris and Tara came into the room. The monoeye wore her Gothic Lolita outfit, while the arachne dressed simply in a yellow blouse and black skirt. "I'm sorry, Fuzz," Tara said. "I couldn't get her to wear anything else."

"This is the best I have!" Iris snarled.

"I told you that I would make something for you, Maggot."

"I'm not wearing something that you pulled out of your ass."

"They are called 'spinnerets', little one," Vera interjected, "and I am sure that anything she made would have been quite sanitary."

Tara angrily whirled around to face the wyvern and opened her mouth as if she were going to say something, then closed it again. "Yeah," she said, her tone softening slightly. "Thanks for the clarification, Reptile." Turning to Satsuke, she said, "Knucklehead and Fish Face better show up. They're running late."

"I do not think either of them are capable of running, Tara."

"Sorry folks!" Piper called from the door before the arachne could say anything. "We just needed a more dramatic entrance. Now, ladies and gentleman, I present to you…. Captain Mako the Merciless!"

"Any o' ye laugh, I'll run ye through," the mermaid yelled.

"That means you, Maggot," Tara said, clutching Iris's head.

Mala wheeled herself into the dining room. Covering her human half was a white blouse that did much to accentuate her bosom. Over that was what looked like a blue 18th century naval officer's jacket, and her hair was tied back with a blue ribbon. Most surprising to the group was the light, pink lipstick on her lips, and the sea-blue eyeshadow around the mermaid's black eyes. "Damn, Fish Face," Tara said with a low whistle, "you clean up pretty well."

"Shut yer face, Legs," Mala retorted.

"You actually look awesome," Iris said with a smile.

"I agree," Vera said. "There always seemed to be more to you than it appeared. Both you and Keeper do very well in projecting authority. Beautiful, yet clearly one not to be trifled with."

"Thank ye, Vera!" the mermaid said with a grin as she wheeled herself to her place at the table. After looking over Satsuke, she said, "I always liked a man in uniform, Chum."

"I did pretty good, didn't I," Piper said as she slithered into the room wearing a tight, black dress with golden accents, her blonde hair in ringlet curls. "My proudest achievement, I must say!" When she approached the table, she continued, "So what's the occasion?"

On cue, Tara passed around the sake bottle after filling her cup. After the bottle made its rounds, Satsuke stood up and held out his cup. "I propose a toast," he began. Gesturing to Mala and Tara, he said, "To my beloved friends." Towards Piper and Guu, he said, "To new friends." He concluded by gesturing to Vera and Iris, saying, "To future friends.

"And to new beginnings!"

"Kanpai!" the girls said in unison.

"I just wanted to inform you all that I resigned from MON," Satsuke said when he sat back down. "Before I joined them, I was a simple police officer. I'm pleased to tell you all that I have rejoined the force."

"I heard you rode around on a bike," Iris said with a smirk.

"I did," the young man said with a smile, "and I enjoyed it."

"I gotta be honest," Piper said through a mouthful of tandoori chicken, "it was bullshit how they treated you. You're better off without them."

"From what I was able to understand," Vera added, speaking to Iris, "every situation they put him in were intended for you and I to be assigned to him."

"I trust that you girls won't say anything," Satsuke said, "but that's how it was from the beginning. It was called 'Operation: Halfway House'."

"Fuck," Iris said. "No wonder that agent went so easy on me." After a pause, she said, "Wait a minute. Does that mean we're all gonna get kicked out? Is this your fucked up way of saying good-bye?"

"No, Iris," the young man said. "In fact, both you and Vera ended up being absolved of any wrongdoing the moment I signed the paperwork."

"Of course, that can change, given that Softie-kun told you confidential Agency business," a smug voice was heard saying from the door.

The group looked up and saw Smith leaning in the doorway with an arrogant smile curling her lips. "I kid, of course," she continued as she sat down at the table and began helping herself to some curry. "After all, it's not your fault, especially since former Agent Nakamura has no business even having such information." With that, she whirled toward Satsuke angrily. "Did you really think I wouldn't find out?" she asked, her voice a growl. "Now, because of you, I'm going to have to file prosecution papers against you and find new homes for them! Do you see what your selfishness has done?"

"His selfishness?" Tara asked evenly. "You and the Agency are the ones who completely upended his life, all for some twisted experiment using us as guinea pigs."

"Aye," Mala said, "an' yer kind are th' ones sayin' pirates ain't got honor."

"That's fucked up, dude," Piper added. "Hey Coach, you might wanna have the cops look into all this. I mean, you didn't break the law here, right? You have DA's here in Japan, don't you? I mean, we are among the deadliest of our kind, and the Agency technically put you in mortal danger all for some weird experiment."

"Ain't needed, Pipes," the mermaid said with a wave of a webbed hand. She then looked at Smith viciously. "Ye see, she forgets that I has connections with th' Beautiful Ones. I say one word and we'll all be on 'er like piranhas."

"Why do that when we can just feed Sludge some mothballs?" Tara said wickedly. "No body, no crime?"

Guu turned to the arachne and frowned, saying "You know that I have been trying to stay clean, for all of you." She then looked to Smith, anger plain on her face. "But you are talking about taking Satsuke away from us, and sending us all back. You used him! You are using all of us! Why? Because of some bullshit experiments, along with telling him to marry one of us! Do you know, have any fucking clue, how much that is tearing us apart?! Do you even fucking care?!

"Destroying you will be worth falling off the wagon," the pink slime continued after composing herself. "Tara, I'll go get the arsenic, bleach, and mothballs. I mean, from what I hear, she does very little actual work. I do not think anyone will even know she was gone, except that boy that came over the other day, but I doubt that he would miss her."

It's gonna be a bloodbath, the young man thought to himself as he closed his eyes, and it's gonna be because of me! I must stop this somehow. "Are you seriously threatening me?!" Smith shouted, making Satsuke's face twitch involuntarily.

"We care more about Lolicon than we care about you, Outis," Iris retorted.

"What did you just call me?" Smith asked, the color drained from her face.

"Outis!" the backbeard yelled. "Ask Manako what it means!"

"No need," Smith said, her voice low. "Forgive me, for I have behaved shamefully in your house. I shall torment you, your Master, and your sisters no longer." She then turned to the young man, and said, "I'm sorry, Satsuke. I'll contact the Agency and have them assign a new liaison to you.

"You did well, Nakamura," she continued. "I'm proud to have worked with you."

Iris looked at Smith without expression, then nodded. "Go in peace, Smith," she said. "May Polyphemus look kindly upon you, even though I may not."

Smith stood and bowed slightly, then left the room. "Um, what just happened?" Piper asked, puzzlement clear on her face.

"My command of Greek is quite limited," Vera said, "but I think 'outis' means 'nobody.' Am I correct, Little One?"

"So, you're not as stupid as you look," Iris said, the side of her mouth curled slightly with amusement. "You people obviously know who Odysseus was, right?"

"Polyphemus was the Cyclops he encountered, was he not?" the wyvern said. "The old tales are treasured among the dragon-folk."

"Yeah," the monoeye said. "Son of Poseidon, and hero to my people." Satsuke was taken with the way Iris smiled when she spoke. "Odysseus, the Outis, invaded our lands, and deceived The Father."

"You talk like a shaman," the arachne said softly.

"A priestess, actually, in training," Iris replied with a smile. "We monoeyes are very close." She then looked Satsuke and said, "Lolicon, the reason why I wasn't charged had nothing to do with Outis. It was all Manako. She couldn't, and furthermore, she wouldn't. I was being a fuck-up, so rather than have me condemned by your people and ours, she figured you could straighten me out.

"She dumped a Holy Mission on you, Lolicon," she said to Satsuke with a tinge of sarcasm. "No pressure or anything."

The silence in the dining room was palpable when Iris finished speaking. "I ain't pissed enough fer this," Mala said before drinking the rest of the sake in a matter of seconds. "Ye got anymore, Chum?"

"I shall bring the whiskey from my chambers," Vera said.

"That'll do, Dragon," the mermaid said with a toothy grin. "That'll do."

Satsuke simply stared blankly into space as his thoughts swarmed around his skull, becoming a large, amorphous mass. Why me? he silently asked himself repeatedly.

"Girls? I think Coach is broken," Piper said as she watched Nakamura's face land in his curry.