Fuck, it hurts. Consciousness can be an ass like that sometimes. Hell, my whole body aches. I guess that's what I should expect after what I've been through but that doesn't make it any less painful. Last time I woke up I'd still been hopped up on pain meds, this time, not so much. I attempt to open my eyes but even that requires too much effort. I feel like a fucking sack of potatoes.

The room is still but for my breathing.

Izaya's gone...

Slowly my eyes creak open of their own accord. I'm still not precisely in control of them but at least now the dim light is registering on my retinas. Artificial if I'm any judge, streaming in from the other room. Probably, it's evening, considering the sedative Shinra had apparently given me earlier. Whatever had been in that syringe, it had really done its job.

In the later hours of the day, the room has grown cold.

He said he'd stay…

I take a moment to marvel at the fact that I'm actually still alive, still breathing and thinking and shit. There'd been a second there where I had simply known 'this is it. I'm not surviving this' and here I am, not dead. A fucking miracle.

Especially since I hadn't been able to keep my mouth shut.

He hates me now…

Fuck.

The second wave of pain hits me like a truck. I can't help the tears. I'm not one for crying but I can't stop myself. They spill out over my cheeks, hot and wet, reminding me of blood and raven hair. God, how could I have been so stupid? My chest hurts for reasons that have nothing to do with the lacerations crisscrossing it. I can't breath properly. Finally I manage to move my hands and use them to cover my face, digging the heels of my hands into my eyes like that'll change anything.

It's not like I expected anything less than rejection but… He'd promised to stay damnit! He'd promised…

And he'd left, just like that. The room drops several degrees in temperature and a violent shiver wracks me just as the soft sob escapes my mouth. Fuck, I'm just pathetic. It hadn't mattered so much when I was dying but now that I'm alive…

It hurts.

It hurts so much.

What had I been thinking?

The previous night plays over in my head. Izaya, staring at me with tears in his eyes. Izaya, curled up beside me, fingers intertwined with mine. Izaya, whispering my name as he cried in his sleep. Izaya, smiling and laughing with me. Izaya, trembling as he choked on his own words. Izaya, looking like he was about to break apart but somehow still holding on.

Izaya, leaning against my side, promising he wouldn't leave…

It hurts. The tears soak my hair and pillow, leaving cold wetness behind. It chases the heat with a settling chill that I can feel in my heart.

Why does it have to hurt this much? My chest feels like it's caving in, hollowing out and emptying along with my eyes. Why did it have to be him?

It hurts.

It hurts.

It fucking hurts.

Izaya…

I'm not sure how long it takes but eventually, the tears run out. Eventually my cheeks dry and my nose stops running. Eventually, I run out of feelings and am just left cold. Dead, and empty.

I can still smell him.

Fuck...

Shinra opens the door, but I don't startle, don't move. It doesn't matter, he knows I'm awake. Turning on a soft light, he starts going over the instrument panels beside me, every now and then making hmm sounds that sound mostly positive. That, at least, is good. I'd rather not be stuck here any longer than I have to be. "You're awake." He comments. If he sees the redness in my eyes, he chooses not to remark on it. "I'm glad."

"Yeah," I mutter, slowly sitting up, distantly pleased to be able to do this, even with the impressive amounts of pain that accompany the movement. On the plus side, I'm not bothered by it so in the end, I don't care if it hurts. As I watch Shinra record my blood pressure and BPM, a question surfaces.

If Izaya doesn't care, why did he come here in the first place?

"How're you feeling?" Shinra asks, still scribbling on his clipboard illegibly. When I don't answer right away he pauses and glances up expectantly. It seems like a stupid question, but I've found that doctors often ask stupid questions for the sake of thoroughness.

"Fine," I mutter, running a hand through my hair as more questions bubble up. Why would Izaya promise anything if he just planned to leave? Why not just turn me down right then and there? No, I'm being stupid, Izaya was just confused. Probably, he came to his senses and realized what a terrible mistake he'd been making.

It makes sense, more sense than I'd like it to.

"Fine, really?" Shinra's tapping the top of his clipboard, unimpressed with my answer.

Remembering where I am and what I'm supposed to be focusing on, I clear my throat and insist, "Yeah, great. Better than I was when I came here." An appropriately stupid answer to an equally stupid question. "Still in pain though."

Making another note in his papers, Shinra nods. "Yes, getting stabbed fifty-six times in the upper body torso region will do that to you." Turning away from me and back towards the things I'm connected to, Shirna continues, "But, all things considered, you seem to have made it through just fine."

"What happened… while I was out?" I ask haltingly, curious. Shinra pauses in his inspection of the IV to give me a startled look. "Why am I still alive." I clarify, hoping he'll understand what I'm asking without me having to spell it out for him.

A look of dawning comprehension crosses his face. "Oh, that!" He suddenly looks a bit nervous. "Um… Promise you won't throw anything at me." I hate when he says things like that. My only response is a grunt. Shinra frowns. "I said promise."

How loaded that word, promise, can be.

"I promise." I relent, watching the doctor impatiently. Any more of his bullshit and I might just throw something at him.

"Well," Shinra takes a deep breath. "You almost were dead when you came in because you'd lost so much blood and I didn't have anything of the right blood type on hand to perform a transfusion so you were going to die but then Izaya-san reminded me that he has the same blood type as you and pretty much forced me to use his blood so basically Izaya-san saved you and now you have his blood running through your body as we speak and there is nothing I can do to get rid of it so please don't ask me to try." He gasps loudly, sucking in air before flinching away from me. "Sorry," Shinra adds.

"For what?" I grunt, trying to sort through all the information that's just been thrown at me. The only words of that entire rambling mess my mind caught are Izaya saved you and my brain is struggling not to short circuit. He would have done the same for anyone accept this is Izaya and he doesn't do shit for anyone. You were just his playtoy but he could have let Shinra muddle through on his own. He left you but he didn't when it mattered.

Against all the painful logic I've neatly laid out for myself, this one thing keeps snagging, dragging on the fucking stupid hopes I'm trying to hide.

"Sorry for everything?" Shirna answers warily. Glancing at him, I roll my eyes and snort in tired amusement. When this isn't the response he's expecting, he frowns and asks, "Are you okay Shizuo-san? Like, emotionally..."

Izaya saved me. Am I even allowed to hope?

He also left you, don't get ahead of yourself.

"Where's Izaya?" I ask, scanning the room as if he might pop out of the walls with a signature smirk and a playful Shizu-chan. How quick my mind is to believe he won't insult me or hurt me instead. He doesn't appear of course, not that I really thought he would.

"Shizuo-san, you're really not in the best place to be picking fights with Izaya-san." Shinra lectures me, nervous. His concern isn't without reason, but it's not what I need right now. Actually, if he could just stop worrying about the possibility of me hurting Izaya at all, that'd be great. After this, I'm pretty sure he knows how I feel.

But I don't have time to argue. I need to get out of here, preferably sooner rather than later. This place, with its sharp smell and emptiness, I can't stand to be in here a moment longer than necessary.

"Did I look like I wanted to kill him before?" I point out, glaring at Shinra hard. The doctor furrows his brow and looks conflicted. "The answer is no, Shinra," I mutter with a snort, rolling my eyes away from him.

"Well, you don't exactly seem happy with him either." Shinra reminds me, making a few last notes on his clipboard before giving me a mildly creepy smile. "As always your ability to heal takes my breath away. I would just love to-"

"Am I allowed to fucking leave now?" I growl, not really wanting to have the whole dissection argument again.

Shinra spends a moment examining his notes and weighing the pros and cons before answering, "Yes, I suppose so Shizuo-san, but I want you to go home." He fixes me with a meaningful look. "Not go looking for Izaya-san."

As if I would do something like that. He clearly doesn't want anything to do with me right now. But the doctor has a point, I want to find the man, despite everything I want to see him. It's stupid, but then, Izaya loves to remind me I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed on a day to day basis.

"I won't," I tell Shinra softly, not looking at him. He sighs shortly and I flick my eyes upwards. For a moment he just studies me, as if looking for the tell on my face, until I start to feel uncomfortable. "I mean it Shinra, I'll go home." Apparently, the doctor decides he believes me because a second later he sighs and starts disconnecting me from the different beeping machines he's got hooked up to me without further protests.

"Celty Darling, will you bring me Shizuo-san's clothes?" Shinra calls before turning to me and explaining, "Your shirt was little more than tatters but your pants were fine. I dug up an old shirt for you to wear." He surveys me and looks concerned, though I suspect it has nothing to do with the state of my clothing. "I hope it fits."

It probably won't but I'm too tired and want to get out of here too much to complain. More importantly, I'm too emotionally drained to ask Shinra why he's worried about me. Like a nervous tick, I circle thoughts of Izaya through my mind while the silence stretches, hoping to find something I haven't caught already. Something that will give me a definitive answer as to how Izaya feels.

The exercise is pointless. I have no idea what goes on inside Izaya's mind and that isn't about to change now.

Celty appears in the doorway and tosses me the shirt and my now clean pants. [It's good to see you awake] she types, the tension vanishing from her stance. Probably worried about me as well, unsure if I was going to make it through the night at all. I hate the thought that I worried anyone but I guess it was inevitable.

"Believe me, I am too," I tell her instead, offering a slight smile.

Courteously, they leave and I dress quickly, or, as quickly as I can manage considering I look and feel like shit. Even if I'll be fine in a week or so, I still hate it. Most of my mind is focused on getting home as promptly as possible but I can't quite get rid of Izaya. I know it'll only cause me more stress but it hurts. None of his actions in the past twenty-four hours have made the least bit of sense.

I want to believe that's a good thing, that my words changed him, but more likely than not, he's going to avoid me from now on. Shit, I really fucked things up, didn't I? I need to get home… But that's not going to fix anything and I don't have the answers I'm looking for.

Only Izaya has those answers, and he doesn't seem too willing to give out any hints.

I say my goodbyes to Shinra and Celty. They both seem worried but I'm too out of it to put them at ease, especially when I've got so many problems of my own.

The walk home passes in relative peace. My mind is fuzzy, numb. I suppose it's preferable to it not shutting up but not by much. All this does is leave me alone with the pain of my stitches and the ache in my chest. Part of me does want to see Izaya, talk to him at the very least but I can't bring myself to do it. Besides, I don't know where he is and I'm exhausted.

The cool night air is a relief. It reminds me of the night before, Izaya's taunting as he cruelly cuts at me, a desperate light in his eyes. He'd seemed manic as he attacked me, crazy like he couldn't stop himself. The moment he'd realized I was dying, however, Izaya had just looked…

Scared.

I shake my head to rid it of my thoughts. It's useless to try and figure out what that Flea is thinking, half the time I'm pretty sure he doesn't know what the fuck he's thinking. Me worrying about it isn't going to help, it'll only give me a headache.

I'll find him eventually.

My apartment swims into my field of view and suddenly I'm standing outside my door. The sight of it draws the tension out of me and I nearly collapse against it. Exhausted, I fumble with my keys that Shinra so kindly put back in my pocket and unlock the door. It creaks open at my touch and I gratefully push my way into my home. I'm so ready for this fucking day to end. I hurt, physically, emotionally and mentally and all I want is to collapse on my own bed and sleep forever.

I can deal with Izaya later. I can deal with all the shit he's putting me through later.

Leaning against my front door to close it, I let out a gust of breath and feel my head fall back, hitting the wood. The world, that's been spinning for the past day and a half, stops, stealing what strength I have left. I need a cigarette and maybe something to drink… The air moving peacefully through my house makes my eyelids droop closed. Soft breaths, aligning with my own are enough to make me seriously contemplate falling asleep where I stand.

Wait, breathing?

The fuck?

Jerking alert, I stare straight ahead at the other person in the room. Izaya is curled up on the edge of my cough, his coat covering him haphazardly like a makeshift blanket. He's breathing is deep and his eyes are closed, entirely peaceful. For a moment my mind goes blank as I wonder, what is he doing here?

The Raven before me looks like a child in sleep. His face, usually so twisted with malice, is smooth and guileless. No doubt because of the chill that pervades my shit apartment, his lips are tinted blue. Everything about him looks so… beautiful, unreachable, perfect. I'm struck with the powerful urge to touch him. Disturb the untouchable aura around him. Sure I should be wondering how he got in or why he's here or what the fuck he wants from he after leaving me alone back at Shinra's but I don't. Him being here says enough.

He's keeping his promise after all. Izaya hasn't left me, he's not going to run away, he's going to give me an answer.

Slowly, because I'm not sure I want him to wake the tired Raven up, I pad towards Izaya, already feeling the tension leak out of my body. For all the shit we've been through, he doesn't look nearly as worried as he should. Falling asleep in my house is a dumbass thing to do, even though I love him.

Maybe especially because I love him. I wonder if this means he trusts me, I'm assuming however that it's just a coincidence. One of those things...

Reaching down to the floor, I retrieve the worn blanket I usually use when I'm cold and spread it over the flea, hoping to make the blue in his lips go away. At the sensation of the threadbare fabric draping over his face he curls up further, mumbling mostly incoherent words as he does so.

"Shizu-chan…" He breathes, stirring the hair falling in his face. Heart hammering, I resist the desire to brush the stray locks from his eyes, instead sinking into the cushions on the opposite end of the couch as him. Just to be sure, I fist my hands in the sofa, not wanting to wake him. The tee-shirt Shinra dug up for me itches and is probably two sizes too small but I ignore that. I'm not sure I ever want to look away from Izaya.

Because once he wakes up, things are going to change. I might not know how yet but we're never going to be Shizuo and Izaya: Legendary Rivals again. Most likely, he's going to reject me. We've hated each other since forever after all, what reason would he have to change his mind. If I'm lucky, and I never am, he might allow us to become friends or something but the chances are slim. Either way, whatever he says is going to fucking hurt. But then, it already does so how much worse can the pain get?

Then he stirs and I realize that it can get worse, so much worse. The Raven sits up, his movements slow, lethargic. Cute, fucking adorable. Blinking sleepily, Izaya turns to look at me, clutching at the blanket with fingers I can tell he's been chewing on. The look he gives me is heartbreaking and gut wrenching. It's so full of suppressed emotion, fear, helplessness, exhaustion, I have to break eye contact.

"Shizu-chan?" He still looks tired, worn to the bone. Though sleepiness might be to blame, his voice sounds cracked, close to shattering altogether. I can tell his grip on reality is tenuous, his breath coming in shallow gasps. As if lost, he casts about momentarily, confused by his surroundings, then he swallows hard and looks back at me. "I'm sorry," he whispers breathlessly. "I swear, I have a good reason for being here."

"I know," I affirm, unable to do more than stare at the fucking floor. Whatever the response he's expecting, that apparently isn't it. Even with the space between us, I can feel him start to shake, the tremors rippling over the couch. It hurts me to see the proud informant like this but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do about it. Can I even do something about it? It isn't my place.

"I know I promised I would stay but I couldn't." He's tripping over his own words and pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. "I woke up and Shinra said you wouldn't wake up until late and I didn't know what else to do." I can't understand his tremors, is he scared of me? The possibility hurts, Izaya's never been scared of me before. Why now, why, after everything?

Needing to calm him, I try to insist, "It's fine 'zaya, I'm not-"

"And I was going to stay awake and think through things so I'd be able to answer you but I was just so tired," babbles Izaya. At this point, I doubt anything I say is going to get through to him. "I'm sorry for being here, I know it's late and you've probably had enough of me but I just- I just…" His lower lip trembles violently as Izaya stares at me helplessly, brokenly. The blanket I had draped over him hangs over his head, drooping into his crimson eyes.

He looks like he's a second from fracturing into a million pieces.

"C'mere." Moving my legs to the cushions, I beckon my broken, red-eyed god forward. I expect him to refuse, to push me away. For a second I even think he might get up and leave. I don't expect, or rather, don't let myself hope for what happens next.

With a choked whimper, Izaya rocks forward and melts into my arms, letting loose a soft keening sob.

If I thought I'd seen him cry when I was dying, I was wrong.

Shivers wrack his thin frame as he lets go all the pain, uncertainty and pressure from the past few days. It's more than I'd have expected one body could hold, leading me to understand just how much he'd been shouldering. Unable to do more than shake, Izaya just huddles against me, clutching at my shirt weakly. I let him sob, pulling him close and burying my face in his silken hair. His tears soak my shirt and the skin beneath but I don't care.

I've never seen Izaya like this before. I've seen every spectrum of his emotions but never such vulnerability. Never such intense trust in another person. It's a glaring reminder that no matter how much he claims to be a god, he's human. He can hurt, even break to pieces. Holding him as close as is physically possible, I stroke the exposed skin of his neck and whisper meaningless words in his ears until the shaking stops and the crying abates. He hiccups once before he falls absolutely silent, just breathing in and nothing else.

"I'm sorry, I don't know how to give you an answer," Izaya mumbled suddenly, his breath tickling my chest. There are still tears coursing down his face, but he's calmer, thinking more rationally. Staring at the top of his head, I try to formulate a response as he continues, "I'm sorry I don't know how I feel." I suppose hoping for an answer was asking too much but I'm still disappointed.

"But you don't hate me anymore?" I blurt out, causing him to startle against me. My hand stills in his hair as I curse myself. Shit, I just had to open my goddamned mouth…

"Did I ever hate you?" I'm pretty sure it's a rhetorical question. Either that or Izaya is talking to himself. Whoever the intended recipient, Izaya shudders at his own words, the hands in my shirt tightening. "Looking back on it, you were always special Shizu-chan, different."

Different? A monster? Not good enough for even the twisted love he lavishes on his 'humans'?

"You didn't believe the lies, you weren't scared, you just hated me. It was so refreshing." Oh, so that's what he's talking about… I don't even realize I'm holding my breath until it becomes painful. I just want -need- to hear more. "You're such a beast, Shizu-chan," Izaya adds, dare I say affectionately?

No, I'm just reading too much into this, his voice is just muffled.

"So I kept doing things to hurt you, to give me an excuse to be around you, and I've always just said I hated you." Izaya's face presses into my chest and a thrill of feeling races through me at just how close he is. "Because it was always easier than understanding." The regret in his voice is almost tangible, though why he regrets something we were both responsible for is beyond me.

"I figured that, if nothing else, no matter what happened, you'd always be there."

Izaya draws in a harsh breath and his trembling returns. "But- but then you left and I was so alone. I just was so scared that you had forgotten me and…" A feeble, dry sob wracks him. "I just wanted you to remember me Shizu-chan, even if it meant killing you."

"Oi Flea," I grumbled softly, feeling my heart break for him. " 'm not dead, It's fine. I'm just a little banged up is all." Izaya slowly lifts his head from my shirt. His face is red and puffy from crying and his eyes are wide and hopeless. I would do anything to make that look go away. I almost do something anyway, despite the situation. How much can I get away with, where's the line?

"But it's not fine Shizu-chan," Izaya whispers, shaking his head. "You almost died and I'm- I'm such a mess." He flails then falls silent, staring at me with eyes that overflow with feeling. I want to help, I want to give him the answers. All I want to do is make that hurt disappear. Is that really too much to ask for?

"So what if I care?" He spits, looking frustrated and helpless. "So what if I never want you to forget me? So what if I actually care about you? So what if I even might love you." His words come out in a rush. "I'm the person who tried to kill you. Why would you ever care about someone like me? Why don't you hate me?"

Wait, did Izaya just…

Shitty Flea…

He loves me.

I don't even bother responding. I'm not exactly sure I can think of anything to say to what Izaya just said because, to be honest, I don't have a good answer to any of those questions. Instead, I pull him closer and kiss the damned flea before he can say anything else. He stiffens and for a moment I wonder if I screwed up, but then his lips part and he's kissing me back and I realize that this moment, Izaya, is worth almost dying for.

There's blood on his lips from his constant abuse of them, I'm pretty sure I taste like day old cigarettes but I also know that neither of us cares. I'm alive and he's here and honestly, that's all that matters.

I'm not sure how long we stay like that, long enough till we've both run out of breath and all the tension has left Izaya's body. It only takes him seconds to fall asleep, still curled up in my arms, comfortably close. My whole world sleeping on my chest like an overgrown cat. I don't mind, of course. Given the chance, I'm pretty sure I'd stay like that forever, just holding him.

"I love you too, shitty Flea," I whisper to the Raven as my own eyes close, heavy with exhaustion.

"Forever. I promise."

'S funny how these things happen…

A/N: And the verdict is in, I just like making you people cry.