genre: angst/romance
ship: bonnie/damon ; side stefan/caroline
chapter rating: pg-13/teen
overall rating: nc-17/explicit
word count: 8,910
summary: Three years ago, Bonnie Bennett died. After waking up in an unmarked grave, she returns to the land of the living with a whole lot of questions. Like how did she die? Who brought her back? Where is Damon? And how long until the cruel grip of Death comes for her again?

nine lives (and a tenth for good behavior)
-1/3-

Dirt. It was all she tasted. It invaded her mouth and nose and crowded around her, penning her in. It was everywhere. Saying she was buried in it wasn't a metaphor so much as a terrifying truth. She was literally buried in dirt. Six feet under. Something wiggled against her cheek and she just knew that it was a worm. Because somehow, despite everything, she'd died.

Died.

Died.

Died.

Only she wasn't dead. Not anymore.

So she started clawing her way up from the cold earth, her lungs squeezing and seizing as she struggled to get air. She pushed and pulled, tears spilling from dirt covered eyes, until her hand broke through to the world above. She kicked her legs, the muscles already tired and heavy, and shoved her way up and out. Gulping in air, her throat burned and her vision blurred. It was cold and dark and her ears were plugged, but vaguely, distantly, she heard a cawing crow. With leaden arms, she dug her fingers into the hard earth and pulled the rest of her body out of the hole that was her grave.

Rolling onto her back, she pressed a shaky hand down against her chest, searching desperately. There. Pumping steadily, a little too quick, was her heart. She let out a sigh of relief that turned into a laugh. A broken, hysterical giggle that shook her whole body until her abdomen physically ached. And then the tears came, sliding down dirt streaked cheeks. Her hair was clumped with it, her clothes were stained and stiff, and her body was exhausted.

But it was alive.

She was alive!

They had buried Bonnie in the woods. No casket or headstone or anything. Just a deep dark hole in the ground. She couldn't remember how or when or why this had happened, but the pit in her stomach spoke of inevitabilities.

She dragged herself out of the woods on legs that could barely move. Sometimes her knees locked, forcing her to stumble and fall, but she got right back up. Because she was back. She was breathing air and her heart was beating and she would not lay down and let Death take her again.

So she kept walking, pushing past gnarled tree branches, climbing over whatever laid in her path, until finally, she saw lights. Civilization. Life. So she kept going, kept moving, on legs that screamed for her to stop, to rest, to just give them a second to adjust. But she couldn't. She wouldn't. If she stopped, if she rested, she might not get up. And she couldn't risk it.

The lights led her to the boarding house, and that sent another choked noise from her throat, half laugh and half sob. She walked right up the manicured back lawn to the double doors that lead out onto a patio. She didn't want to say the light was left on for her, ready to guide her back, but some little part of her thought it was. Hoped it was.

Was it Damon? she wondered. Was he the one that brought her back? Or maybe it was Caroline, unable to handle yet another loss. Or Elena. She could have done it, too. Unwilling to face a future without best friend Bonnie there. Or Enzo… Enzo who called her the love of his life. But they would have been there, wouldn't they? They would have crowded around her unmarked grave, dug her up so she wouldn't have to do it herself, and welcomed her home.

Bonnie pressed her palm to the back door, leaving a grimy handprint on the pristine glass, and then pulled her hand back. Her fingers hurt too much to bend them into a fist. Everything hurts. And distantly, she couldn't help but think about how nice it would be to sink into a hot bath and let it warm her from the outside in. She'd have to shower first, just to get the dirt off. But then she was going to sink down into Damon's bathtub and not move an inch until the bubbles faded, and then she was going to fill it again, as hot as she could take it, and she wouldn't get out until every inch of her was a wrinkled prune.

Bonnie drew her hand back and slapped it back down on the glass, over and over and over.

Until a light turned on in the kitchen and she could hear Caroline's irritated voice. "I don't know who you think you are, coming to the back door of my house at three in the morning, but if you wake my kids up with all of this noise, I will—"

The door swung open and Caroline went from angry to shocked in a flat second. Her eyes widened and her brows hiked, and then a shaky noise fell from her lips. "Bonnie?" she whispered, blinking back tears as she shook her head. "Bonnie!" She threw her arms around Bonnie, pulling and squeezing and grabbing up handfuls of Bonnie's smaller body, as if to make sure she was real and solid and there.

Bonnie crumbled. The exhaustion that had been creeping up on her finally wrapped its heavy cloak around her whole frame. Her knees give out and she collapsed. Bonnie wrapped brittle, shaking arms around Caroline when she caught her.

"It's okay, it's okay. I've got you." Caroline nodded, her soft cheek rubbing against Bonnie's, dirt flaking off in the process.

Caroline brought her inside, nudged the door closed with her foot, and carried Bonnie to the kitchen table, helping her sit down. "Here, God, you're freezing." Caroline pulled her own robe off and wrapped it around Bonnie's shoulders. It was thin and satin, but it was something. She rubbed her hands up and down Bonnie's arms, and then moved to the fireplace to get a fire going.

Bonnie leaned against the chair and slumped a little, letting her shoulders fall and her body relax. Her muscles still felt too tight, coiled up and stiff. She didn't want to think about why. She just focused on her breathing and the warmth sinking into her skin. She listened to Caroline prattle on about how it's a good thing they have wood, because it was late spring, nearly summer, and they don't usually light the fire this time of year. She was a nervous talker, always had been; it was a strange comfort.

Bonnie's gaze bounced away from her and wandered the kitchen. It was familiar in a lot of ways, but there were picture frames spread out all over now. Of Caroline and Stefan and the girls. The girls who were just four years old last Bonnie remembered, but they looked older now. A sinking feeling flooded her and she wondered just how long it'd been. How long was she stuck down there, rotting away?

She stared at a family picture until her eyes burned. Stefan and Caroline sitting side by side, shoulders pressed together, smiling for the camera, and between them were the girls, with their wide smiles, missing a tooth here or there. The girls each had an elbow on a big orange pumpkin, scarves wrapped around their necks, and fingerless wool gloves on their hands. A tall tree stood behind them, dressed in orange and red leaves. Autumn. It was winter the last Bonnie remembered, and it was spring now. So it had to be a year or two, at least.

A mug of hot tea was placed in front of her, and Bonnie blinked back to the present. She turned her head to see Caroline sitting in front of her, smiling at her sadly.

"Hey…" Caroline's voice was a little thick and unsure.

Bonnie reached for the mug and had to lift it with both hands, clutching it close to her chest as she sipped at the tea and let the heat of the mug sink back into her. It took her a few seconds before she could muster her voice. "How… How long?"

Caroline blinked a few times and dropped her gaze to the tabletop.

"Caroline… Please?"

She nodded and lifted her eyes to meet Bonnie's. "We passed the three-year mark in December… It's May now."

Bonnie sucked in a sharp breath. "Could be longer, I guess… Could be three decades."

Caroline's arm stretched across the table toward her. "I'm glad it isn't." She stared at her searchingly. "But… how?"

"I don't know. I was hoping you might be able to tell me. I don't… I don't remember much. It was winter when I died… Wasn't it?"

She nodded. "Yeah. Just before Christmas. It… It happened so fast. Your heart just… It gave up." She blinked back tears and bit down hard on her lip. "We tried everything. When blood didn't work, we took you to the hospital. When they said you were gone, we… We tried magic. We looked everywhere, for months, but… Everybody we talked to said there was nothing we could do."

Bonnie nodded, but her head was fuzzy, radio static growing in her ears. "I… I'm tired."

"Of course." Caroline nodded. "You probably want to shower, too."

She looked down at herself, caked in mud and dirt. "Yeah, if you don't mind."

"Are you kidding? I…" Swallowing tightly, Caroline shook her head. "I missed you, Bonnie. I don't know how this happened, or why, but I'm so glad it did."

Bonnie's mouth hitched up faintly. "Me too."

"Come on… I'll help you upstairs and then I'll get you something to wear." She circled the table and helped Bonnie stand on wobbly legs, banding an arm around her waist to keep her steady. "Close your eyes so you don't get dizzy," she warned.

Bonnie let her eyes fall closed, her skin turning icy cold as darkness enveloped her abruptly. It was too much, too soon, and fear crept up her throat.

But then Caroline said, "Okay," and Bonnie's panic ebbed.

She reopened her eyes to a familiar room. Or it was once. Now it looked different. Bare and empty where it wasn't before. The furniture was the same, but even from where she stood, Bonnie could see the layer of dust that covered each surface.

"We don't really come in here. The girls know to leave it alone, so it hasn't been touched in a while. I can clean it up tomorrow. Just some dusting and reorganizing. You can borrow my clothes until I can get your stuff out of storage."

"You kept it?" Bonnie's brows furrowed.

"We didn't want to give up hope… Even if it seemed hopeless." Caroline helped her into the bathroom and lowered her down to the closed lid of the toilet. "I'll grab some towels, okay? I'll be right back." She started for the door and then paused. "Maybe start with a shower, if your legs can take it. And then a bath, if you want."

Bonnie smiled at the wrinkle in Caroline's nose, like she was trying not to be mean, but was clearly sending a message about just how dirty Bonnie was.

With a faint laugh, Bonnie nodded. "Okay."

After Caroline left, Bonnie took a moment. Her legs were still weak, but the shower looked so inviting. Reaching behind her, she felt around for the zipper of her dress and tried to pull it down. It got stuck more than a few times, but she got it down enough to peel the stiff fabric off herself. She had to stand to get it off completely, following it with her underwear and bra. They collected in a dirty heap on the floor, one she desperately wanted to set on fire.

She walked slowly into the shower, and turned the water up as hot as it would go. It hurt at first, pin pricks against her skin, too much heat on too much cold. But she weathered through it. Tipping her head back, she let the water beat down on her, steam filling the glass enclosure all around. She scrubbed the dirt from her skin and her hair. It was everywhere. She scrubbed and scrubbed, clawing at her skin until every speck of dirt was gone, and then she kept rubbing, until her brown skin was raw and red.

"Hey, hey, stop… Bonnie!" The door swung open and then Caroline was there, getting soaked in the shower water as she wrapped her arms around Bonnie. "You'll hurt yourself."

Bonnie opened her mouth to say… what? That she didn't care? That at least that way she'd feel something other than the biting cold and the pressure of dirt all around her? Instead, her voice cracked on a sob.

Caroline's face fell. She hugged Bonnie a little tighter and whispered against her ear, over and over, "You're okay. You're here. You're alive…"

Bonnie's breathing leveled out and she slumped against Caroline, the fight leeching out of her. For now.

Caroline held on a little while longer, and then she helped stand them both up. She reached an arm back to turn the water off and helped Bonnie out of the shower. Wrapping her up in a thick, fluffy towel, she took another to her face. Panic hit Bonnie as cotton covered her eyes while Caroline dried Bonnie's face for her. She was quick and gentle though, dropping the towel before the panic could swamp Bonnie.

"Okay?" Caroline stared down at her worriedly, like Bonnie was a broken bird she needed to nurse back to health.

"Yeah." Her voice was croaky; her throat felt a little shredded from crying and she found herself missing the tea from earlier.

"I made the bed. Clean sheets and an extra blanket."

Bonnie nodded jerkily.

"I got you some pajamas, too." She pointed to a stack of clothes on the sink counter.

Bonnie looked past them, to the floor in front of the toilet. Her clothes weren't there anymore. Even the dirt they'd left behind had been cleaned up. Leave it to Caroline to be so on the ball when things seemed so out of control.

"Okay… I'll be right out here if you need me." Caroline skittered back into the bedroom, silently waiting and listening.

Bonnie shuffled over to the stack of clothes. She peeled her towel off and rubbed it over her body. Her arms and legs were still too heavy and tired, and her skin felt a little too raw, but she methodically dried herself off. The pajamas Caroline grabbed for her were soft and light and Bonnie felt a little better when she was finally dressed.

She dropped her bunched up towel in a laundry basket in the corner and then walked into the bedroom.

Caroline was fluffing the pillows nervously. "So, if it's okay with you, I thought I'd stay. Just for tonight."

Relief swelled up inside Bonnie's chest, and she nodded. "Yeah. Sure."

Caroline smiled, and then pulled back the covers.

Taking her cue, Bonnie crossed the room and climbed into bed. She was slow to lay down, every ache thrumming for attention. But she eased her legs under the blanket and pulled it up to her chin.

Caroline bustled around the room, turning off the lights in the bathroom and then walking around the bedroom to make sure everything was in place. Finally, she moved to the opposite side of the bed and climbed in. The lamp on Caroline's side of the bed was the only light still on, and when she reached for it, Bonnie made a noise.

"Can… Can we keep it on?"

Caroline looked back at her, paused for only a beat, and then nodded. She sunk down into the bed and rolled over onto her side, to face her. "Do you feel a little better? Warmer at least?"

Bonnie nodded.

"I'll bring your clothes here in the morning. I'll probably need to wash them first. They've been in storage for a while. And we'll have to replace some of it. Fashion's changed. But we'll keep what we can. When you're feeling up to it, we can go shopping, pick up some new things. I can bring a TV in here, too. We never use the one in the den because the girls like the family room better. That way you have something to watch while you're resting. Or I could bring you books, if you want. As soon as the girls know you're here, they'll bug you all the time. They love being read to, even now. Their favorites are…"

Bonnie listened to Caroline's voice chatter away about nothing in particular and found it soothing. It lulled her into a sense of comfort, enough that when her eyes started to droop, she wasn't immediately scared she might never open them again. Especially when Caroline reached out and took her hand.

"You'll be okay now, Bonnie… I promise."

And it was silly, because nobody could really promise that, not after everything they'd seen and done and gone through. But in that moment, Bonnie believed her.

Morning sunlight broke through a window and crawled up the bed, lighting the side of Bonnie's face. It was warm and nice. She blinked awake slowly, and found the space beside her empty, the bed sheets a little rumpled. Slowly, she turned over onto her back to stare at the ceiling.

She could hear voices, faintly, somewhere in the hallway, but she couldn't make out who it was or what they were saying.

But then they came closer.

"—best friend. I know her."

"I just want you to be careful, that's all. We need answers before we get too carried away here."

"What answers? Bonnie is alive. That's all I need to know."

"Caroline—"

"Stefan… I'm not going to lose her. Not again."

He sighed.

The door pushed open then, and Caroline swept inside. "Hey! You're awake!"

Bonnie smiled faintly. "Just now. What time is it?"

"Almost eleven. You were pretty tired." She crossed the room toward the closet, and pulled the door open, revealing just how empty it was. "Stefan went to get your things. He's going to bring the clothes up now, if you're okay with that. I was thinking we could go through them, throw out what you don't need. Don't worry, you can stay in bed while I sort."

Bonnie's smile widened, amused. "Why do I feel like you've wanted to do this before?"

Caroline shrugged. "I love you, you know that, but your fashion sense…? It could use some work."

"Hey! I've had other things on my mind."

"Exactly, which is why you got a pass. But now… You get to start over. Whole new fresh start. So it's out with the old and in with the new."

A throat cleared at the door then, and they both turned. Stefan half-smiled as he stepped inside, carrying two boxes, stacked on top of each other. Caroline walked over to meet him, taking the box off the top. "There's three more coming, and that's just the clothes." He looked to Bonnie as he dropped the other box off with Caroline. "I wasn't sure what you wanted to do about the furniture…"

Bonnie's heart stuttered. "My house…?"

Caroline and Stefan exchanged a look. "Still there. Just… We moved everything out. At first, Elena thought about staying there, but then things changed and, well... We couldn't sell it though. It didn't feel right."

"But keeping it like it was felt like a mausoleum…" Bonnie nodded knowingly. "That's fine."

"Anyway, I thought you could stay here while you're getting used to things." Caroline brightened hopefully. "Later, when you're up to it, we'll help you move back in. Get everything settled."

"Sure, that sounds fine."

"I'm gonna go grab the rest of your clothes." Stefan waved a thumb back over his shoulder and backed up to the door.

"Stefan…" Bonnie stared at him. "I'm sorry… Showing up like this, out of the blue, after everything…"

His face softened. "I don't think I've said it yet, but… I'm glad you're back, Bonnie. It's going to be an adjustment. Things are different. I'm sure you are, too. But… I'm glad you're home."

She swallowed the lump building in her throat and nodded. "Yeah. Me too."

With that, he turned and walked away, and Bonnie returned her attention to Caroline.

"He's worried, isn't he? About why this happened and… What I am."

"You're you." Caroline's voice was strong and steady, no sign of fear or uncertainty. "You always have been. No matter what life throws at you."

"And Death? Looks like it's been throwing a few curve balls, too."

"If anyone can kick Death's ass, it's you. You've done it before. Why should any of us be surprised you have again?"

Bonnie's gaze fell to her lap. "I didn't do this, Care… I don't know what or who did, but it wasn't me."

"Well, so what?" Walking to the bed, she threw her self down to sit next to her, pressing her shoulder in tight against Bonnie's. "All that matters is that you're here, and you're not going anywhere."

"Fingers crossed," she murmured.

"Come on." Caroline hopped back up. "Let's forget all the doom and gloom and do something fun!" She walked over to the boxes and popped one open.

"If by fun you mean listening to you roast every fashion choice I've ever made… sure."

Caroline grinned. "Speaking of fashion faux pas… What is this?" She pulled a fuzzy green sweater up from the depths of the box and made a face.

Bonnie laughed, and for a moment, it felt like everything was going to be okay.

Never mind the unanswered questions or the ghosts living in shadows of a mostly empty room. She was alive and she had her best friend with her. For now, that was enough.

...

Over the next few days, Bonnie found herself napping more than she ever had before. Caroline would often lay beside her until she fell asleep, rubbing her back when she startled awake from a nightmare. It was clear that some part of Bonnie wasn't ready to settle back into life as it had been. Her mind couldn't get past the cold hard fact that she was dead. For three long years, she laid in the ground, unseen and unheard, with no heartbeat and no air in her lungs. That fact brought with it questions that she didn't have answers for.

"Maybe I'm a zombie." Bonnie sat at the kitchen table, dressed in pajamas, wearing a thick, terrycloth robe, stirring a bowl of oatmeal.

Stefan choked on his morning coffee.

"Don't be silly." Caroline was making the girls' lunches for school, packing away sandwiches and baggies of carrots. Yesterday, Stefan and Josie had worked side by side to make ants on a log together. Stefan would slather the celery sticks with peanut butter and Josie would carefully add three raisins to each. It was all so normal and domesticated that Bonnie sometimes wondered if she was dreaming. An outsider looking in on an alternate universe, where things went right instead of sideways. At least for them.

So far as Bonnie could tell, Stefan and Caroline had settled into a happy life with the kids, where Caroline was on the PTA and Stefan coached the girls' soccer team. They traded off nights they read stories to the girls as they put them to bed. Stefan had mastered the art of French braids. Caroline hosted a homework club on Sundays for the girls and their friends. It was all suspiciously perfect.

"You're not a zombie. You're just… lucky." Caroline shrugged. She dusted her hands off and then searched the counter for something, a little knot between her brows.

Stefan opened the fridge door, grabbed out two water bottles, and then whistled as he passed them over.

Caroline brightened and took them from his outstretched hands.

"I don't know if I'd call this 'lucky.' I feel like roadkill."

"You just need some time to readjust." Caroline's smile was unrelentingly sunny.

"It's been three days and I still feel like I need a nap every couple of hours."

"Have you thought about what I said?" Caroline peeked up at her. "Just a little bit. Enough to help. To—"

"No." Bonnie shook her head. "Look, we don't know what happened. But I do know that if I drink your blood and I suddenly collapse again, I'll come back, but not the way I want."

"Would it really be so bad?" Caroline stared at her searchingly. "I mean, it's not ideal, obviously. But neither is being dead."

Bonnie sighed, and rubbed her fingers over her forehead.

She heard footsteps on the stairs and relief flooded her. With the arrival of the girls, this whole conversation could be curbed. For a little while, at least.

The kitchen door swung open. Josie and Lizzie came running into the room, all hair and smiles.

"Mom! We have to go! We're gonna be late."

"Okay, okay. I'm almost ready. I've got your lunches and your water bottles. I packed an extra First Aid kit in your bags, just in case. I know Miss Jeanette says they have their own, and an on-site nurse, but you never know what's going to happen."

The girls grinned at each other, like they were more than used to Caroline's brand of neurotic mother. They accepted their bags as they were handed to them and then hurried to the door, waving excitedly at Bonnie before they went.

"Okay." Caroline breathed out a sigh. "I'll be back soon."

"Take your time," Bonnie said. "I'm not going anywhere."

Caroline winced, but quickly covered it with a cheery smile. She turned to Stefan to give him a kiss goodbye, pressing her forehead to his for a brief moment, and then made her way to the door.

Bonnie listened to Caroline's footsteps as she left, and the heavy sound of the front door closing behind her. Still, she waited a few minutes to be sure Caroline was out of hearing before she turned her sights on Stefan.

"Do I really need to ask?"

Stefan, who had taken to cleaning up the counter after Hurricane Caroline, glanced up at her, and then quickly put his gaze elsewhere. "It's complicated."

"Do you know where he is?"

He pursed his lips. "He calls sometimes. To check in."

She nodded, and tapped her fingers along her mug. "And Elena? Caroline keeps avoiding her…"

He paused, and then, "She woke up."

"Okay…" She stared at him, her brows hiked. "I assume the reunion went okay…?"

Stefan rung out a cloth to run over the counter and shook his head. "When we lost you, it all happened so fast… We were bribing someone at the morgue to keep you there for a while, just to give us time to make a plan. We… We forgot."

"Forgot?"

"About Elena. We forgot that she would be waking up because you were…" He shook his head. "Anyway, by the time she got back to town, she walked into chaos. Damon was running down leads on resurrection magic. Enzo was drowning himself at the bottom of a bottle. Caroline was caught somewhere between planning your welcome back party and your funeral. It was… hard."

She nodded, a short jerky move, and dropped her eyes to the table top. "So what happened?"

He took a deep breath and planted his hands on the counter, staring at her. "We spent weeks looking for a way to change things. To break the sleeping curse on Elena and wake you up. Damon was in and out. Felt like he was chasing down every coven in every city. Didn't matter where he went, nobody had an answer he liked. According to the doctors, you died from a sudden heart attack. Too much stress. It just gave up. Just like that."

She swallowed tightly.

"Most of the witches we tracked down wouldn't change something that wasn't magical. It went against nature. And the ones that would consider it… The price was too high. For them, for us, for everyone."

"Everyone," she repeated, barely a whisper.

"Damon wanted to do it at first. He did. He—He wouldn't take no for an answer. But…"

"But?" She looked up, and steeled her expression. Elena. If they couldn't break the curse, then Elena would go away. It made sense.

But that wasn't what Stefan said. "In order to bring you back, somebody else had to die. Multiple people. And he was okay with that, until we reminded him that you wouldn't be. And then things… changed. He lost hope. He realized that he was stuck in a catch-22. Bring you back and know that you would never be okay with how he did it, or let you be at peace."

"Was I at peace?" She looked up at him. "I can't remember."

"There was no right answer here, Bonnie. We wanted you back, but we wanted to do it right. So many people have died because we've played with their lives. You're been the loudest voice against that. We just wanted to do things right for once."

She wasn't sure how she felt about that. If Caroline died, would Stefan burn the world down to get her back? If it was Elena, would they have tried harder? Screw the consequences and make it happen. She shoved those questions aside, however. Maybe it wasn't the time to start throwing out blame, especially when she was essentially relying on his hospitality while she… recovered.

"Where is he now?"

"Last I heard, headed to New York. He tried to stick around at first, but things were just too…"

"Complicated." She smiled blandly. "Yeah. I'm seeing a pattern there."

"Elena's in DC. Caroline called her to make sure she was still awake after you came back. You'll be happy to know that she's fine." He sighed. "She stuck around here for a while after you died, but the grief was too much, I think. And with Damon going off the rails, she decided a fresh start was needed."

"And Enzo?"

Stefan shook his head. "I don't know. He left one night, haven't seen him since."

Bonnie nodded. She let out a choked laugh then and looked up at him. "Guess I know what Damon felt like when he woke up, huh?"

"He went into that box willingly. I still don't agree with his choices back then." He crossed his arms over his chest. "This wasn't your choice, Bonnie. I know it's going to take some time to readjust, but… Maybe this is good. A second chance."

"To do what?" Her brow furrowed. "I thought I was doing things right the last time. I always do. Every day of my life, all I've tried to do is what's right for everyone else."

"So maybe you start living for you now." He half-smiled. "We're here for you, for as long as you need. If you want to stay here, the room's yours. If you want to move back into your house, tell me when, I'll make it happen."

She hummed, and rubbed her hands over her face, pushing her hair back. "I don't know what I want. I… I'm tired, all the time. I'm confused and angry and absolutely terrified that I'm just going to die, all over again, with no warning."

"We can make an appointment, see a doctor, see how your heart's doing."

"Yeah. Okay." She nodded, and then frowned. "Can I ask…? Why no grave? Why the woods?"

Stefan grimaced. "We wanted to have a funeral. Damon didn't. He said if we did and you came back, the town would be suspicious. It'd be Jeremy's resurrection all over again. We tried to explain to him that the chances of you coming back were practically non-existent. We'd run out of options at that point. But he wouldn't hear it. He, uh… He took the body. We didn't know where he buried you and he wouldn't tell us. Needless to say, he and Caroline don't talk much."

She nodded, and stared down into her coffee mug for a few long seconds. Until finally, she asked, "New York?"

"That's where he was headed about three months ago. I couldn't guess where he is now." He stared at her searchingly, and pushed off the counter to come around and take a seat at the table. "I know things were rocky with you two. You were just starting to trust him again and he was… Well, he was Damon about all of it. But… Bonnie, when you died, something just flickered off in him. I don't mean his humanity. I mean him. I'm not going to lie, Damon and I have had our differences. For most of our lives, we've been fighting against or for each other, and that doesn't make for the healthiest relationship. But he's my brother, and I love him. Which is why I'm telling you this… It isn't your job to save him or to bring him back to reignite whatever was lost in him when you died. I'm not putting that on you, because we both know you've done more for me and my family than I can ever repay you for. But I will say that he was a better, happier person with you in his life. And I think you were, too."

Bonnie didn't respond, she just met his heavy, knowing gaze, and let his words resonate with her.

...

Early Saturday morning, Lizzie and Josie snuck into Bonnie's (Damon's?) bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed, staring at her.

Bonnie cracked one eye open and hummed a hello.

"Mommy said you died, but now you're here…" Josie's brow furrowed thoughtfully.

Lizzie nodded. "She said you were a witch, like we are, but you don't siphon."

"That's right." Bonnie turned over onto her side, tucking an arm under her head and atop the pillow, propping herself up a little to see them better.

"Did you use magic to come back?" Lizzie rolled to the side to fold her legs under her, mimicking Josie's position.

"No. At least I don't think so. I don't really know how I did it."

The girls stared at her a beat. And then Josie reached out and patted Bonnie's hand comfortingly. "Mommy was sad when you died. She cried for a really long time."

"Papa said you were her best friend."

It was somehow strange and not strange to hear Stefan referred to as 'papa.' He'd been in the girls lives since they were three. They were seven now. And though Alaric was still their father, after his unexpected death, Stefan had become an even more pivotal part of their lives.

"I was. Am. I am her best friend."

The girls linked hands then. "Josie is my best friend," Lizzie said. "And I'm hers."

"That's good. You're lucky you have each other."

"Are you gonna go away again? We think you should stay. Maybe if you do, Uncle Damon will come back, too. He's been gone for a really long time. Papa worries about him."

"Does he?"

"Uh-huh. Uncle Damon calls sometimes, but Papa says it's not enough." Her nose scrunched up. "Even Mommy's worried, and she doesn't like him very much."

Bonnie muffled a laugh. "She never really has."

"Do you think you will?" Josie wondered. "You can stay in this room. We can have sleepovers and me and Lizzie will show you how to play soccer."

"Well, with an offer like that…" Bonnie smiled. "I'll try my best. Okay?"

"Okay." They pushed off the bed then. "You should get up. Mommy's making waffles and then Papa is taking us to soccer. You can watch us play!" With an excited giggle, they ran out of the room, leaving Bonnie to ponder the visit, and to battle a sudden hankering for pancakes.

...

Two weeks after Bonnie returned to the living, she moved back into her own house. It wasn't that she felt unwanted at the boarding house, she didn't. But she didn't want to feel like the tired invalid she was starting to feel like. She needed to start living again. So Stefan and Matt moved all of her furniture back into her house, or what little of it Caroline let them keep before she convinced Bonnie to update a good chunk of it. When it was all over, they ate pizza in the living room and reminisced over when things were normal. It was after nine when Stefan and Caroline carried a sleeping Lizzie and Josie out to their car to head home, and Bonnie was left to sit on her brand new couch with a beer in her lap and Matt Donovan in an arm chair across from her.

"You're staring."

His mouth hitched up at the corner. "Just can't believe it…" He shook his head. "Three years is a long time, Bon."

"Yeah." She leaned forward and flicked a finger at his temples. "You're starting to grey."

He laughed and ducked his head. "This job's stressful."

"I bet. You've got your hands full."

The supernatural hadn't completely left Mystic Falls. They still lurked around too many corners, coming out of the woodwork to cause havoc whenever they pleased. But, between Matt, Caroline, and Stefan, they tried to keep the town as safe as they could. Alaric had died two years back, a car accident of all things. Tyler visited, but not often. And Elena kept her distance, calling or Skyping with Caroline once a month, when her busy schedule allowed. What had once been a tight knit group of people felt scattered now, and Bonnie wasn't sure how she felt about that.

"Gotta admit, I usually hate seeing anything supernatural walk over that border, but it's good to have our resident witch back… I missed you."

She picked at the label on her beer with her thumb. "We were having a Christmas party. One of Caroline's big bashes. I remember the apple cinnamon cider was just a little too strong…" She closed her eyes to better remember the night.

Stefan and Caroline were laughing in a corner, pressed close together. Josie and Lizzie were playing board games with Alaric by the fire. Tyler was visiting; he and Matt were reminiscing across the room. Enzo and Damon were bickering about something, and Bonnie was there in the middle, amused and affectionate. Enzo's hand was in hers, she could smell his cologne, and Damon's shoulder pressed to her own, solid and supportive. And then her vision went dark around the edges and a sharp pain stretched through her chest.

"I knew something wasn't right. It felt like…" Like that arrow Kai shot her with in the cave, only higher up, center in her chest. "I dropped my glass, I remember that. And then… nothing."

"Damon caught you while you were falling. But you were…" His voice caught. "You were already gone."

"Yeah," she rasped.

"Caroline gave you her blood. She refused to believe you were gone. You wouldn't wake up, so we called an ambulance. But there was nothing…"

She nodded. "After that, the next thing I know, I'm in the ground, digging my way out. I… I know that for you guys it's been years, but for me…"

Matt reached out and took her hand, rubbing his thumb over her knuckles. "Maybe it was Kai."

Her brow furrowed. "How?"

"Maybe it was some loophole in his spell, I don't know. But you died, Elena woke up, then you woke up, and she's still here… It's gotta mean something, right?"

"I don't know." She sighed, and slumped back against the couch. "It feels like yesterday when everything was just getting back to normal. And now it's all wrong."

"So we start over. Bon, you're alive. That's all that matters."

She blinked back a sheen of tears. "I feel lost. I'm trying so hard to find some kind of normal, but everything just feels off somehow. Like maybe I'm not really supposed to be here…"

Matt put his beer aside and traded seats, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her into his side. "What do you need?"

She shook her head and pressed her face down against his shoulder. "Tell me it's going to be okay. Lie if you have to."

He squeezed her. "It's going to be okay… If I know one thing it's that you, Bonnie Bennett, are a survivor. You'll get through this."

She let out a shuddering sigh and hoped he was right.

...

After a month, Bonnie had gotten into a routine. Saturdays were soccer practice, so she'd walk down to the park and watch the girls play. Stefan was a good coach. He had the kind of patience the kids needed. On Sundays, she helped Caroline host homework club and quickly found she remembered a lot more math than she ever thought. She picked up a job waiting tables at Mystic Grill on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays. She had money left over from her father's and Grams' will, but she wanted to keep busy. Wednesdays she went out for wings and beer with Matt. Fridays she sat at the bar and drank bourbon, saving a seat for someone that never showed.

Elena visited her on a Sunday.

Bonnie was just walking out the door, carrying a bag full of snack mix for the kids, when she found Elena standing nervously on her porch.

"Elena…"

She whirled to meet her, eyes wide. "Bonnie." She laughed awkwardly, and then threw her arms wide and stepped forward to pull her into a hug. It lasted a few seconds before Elena pulled back and dabbed at her eyes, smiling to cover it. "Sorry, I… I told myself I wasn't going to cry."

"It's fine. Really. Uh, I heard you were in DC now."

"I am, yeah." She nodded. "Did I catch you at a bad time…?"

"Oh, I was just on my way to Caroline's. Homework club with the kids." She shrugged. "It's fine. It can wait."

"I should've called. As soon as I knew you were back, I should've taken the first flight out. I just… I felt bad."

Bonnie's brow wrinkled. "For what?"

"You were supposed to get sixty years. You only got six." Elena frowned. "When I woke up, I was… relieved. I thought, 'At least I didn't miss too much.' The world was just like when I left it. And then I remembered that you wouldn't get to see any of it. And I— I hated myself for it. For being happy that I was here, I was back, and you weren't."

"Elena…"

"No. I need to say this." She reached for Bonnie's hands and held on tight. "All my life, you've always been there. Anytime I needed someone, anytime I needed a shoulder to cry on or a voice of reason to talk me down, you were there. Whenever I got in over my head and, let's face it, I did, a lot, you always saved me, even when it cost you. And it did. So much. Too much." She sighed. "I can never make up for that."

In a rare moment of complete honesty, Bonnie agreed. "No, you can't."

Elena nodded. "Look, I didn't come here because I wanted you to make me feel better about my part in all this. I came back because I owed you an apology, a huge one. I don't know if it was becoming a vampire that changed me, or if it was just who I always was, but I don't like a lot of the choices I made, the people that I sacrificed and hurt, and you're at the top of that list. I asked too much of you. We all did. I can't make up for it and I can't take it back, but I can take myself out of the equation."

Bonnie shook her head slowly. "I don't understand..."

"I'm staying in DC. I've made a good life for myself there. This will always be my home and you'll always be my friend, but I feel like if I come back here, if I stay, all I'm going to be doing is falling back into that same old cycle. And I don't want that. Not for me and definitely not for you."

Realization washed over Bonnie, and it was strangely cool and calm. "So, that's it then?"

"When you died, I came back thinking that somehow, we would all get through it. Caroline had Stefan and the girls. I had Damon. It wasn't that I didn't miss you. I just thought that was it. There couldn't possibly be anymore second chances. You wouldn't want us to let other people die to bring you back, and we'd already played God with nature too many times. So, I decided that if I couldn't bring you back, I'd just have to live my life in a way you would be proud of. And I think I am, now. But when we first lost you, everything was all wrong. Damon, he… He couldn't look at me. He couldn't touch me or be around me, and I knew it was because he blamed me. For him, if I wasn't back, then you'd be there."

She shook her head, her eyes bright with tears. "I lost him, Bon. The Damon I knew, the Damon I loved, he was just... gone. He threw himself into bringing you back, no matter what it cost, and I realized that meant me, too. And I get it, I do. Because you're his best friend, just like you're mine. But the one thing I could always expect from Damon was that I was first and foremost in his life. I know that's selfish and wrong, but it was what I wanted. And when he walked away, it was simultaneously the worst and best thing to ever happen to me. The worst because I loved him, maybe I always will. But the best because I… I was free. I was human again and I had my whole life ahead of me and every choice I made was my own. So I left. I packed my bags and I went to DC and I decided that I was going to be better. Happier. And I am."

Bonnie nodded. "I'm glad."

"Look, I'm not saying I'm perfect. I can still be selfish. But I know that this is the right thing to do. If I'm not here, then you never have to sacrifice yourself for me again. You have a real chance here to have the life you always wanted. I want that for you. I want you to have everything. You deserve it." She smiled then, and pulled Bonnie forward, wrapping her in a hug. "Will you promise me you'll try?"

Bonnie rested her chin on Elena's shoulder and let out a heavy sigh, the shackles of her past loosening just a little. "I will."

Elena breezed in and out of Bonnie's life just like that. She promised to write and call, but Bonnie knew it would be one of those things that she eventually stopped doing until she was gone completely. And while it hurt to know that the girl Bonnie had known since pre-school would not play a starring role in her life from that day forward, there was also something strangely freeing about it. She loved Elena, she really did, but there was a lot of truth in what she'd said. Her friend was selfish, and too often her life had taken precedence over everyone else, especially Bonnie.

With a new life ahead of her, however long or short it might be, Bonnie felt good about where it might be headed.

...

It always occurred to Bonnie late at night, laying in a bed that felt too big and too empty, that while she missed Enzo, and she did, her mind wandered a whole lot more to her absent best friend than to her (former?) boyfriend. She'd loved Enzo. She still did. But some part of her had always been aware that eventually, it would end. Their lives were just too unstable for it to ever last. In the time they had been together, it'd been good. He'd been what she needed, and she hoped she was what he needed, too. But there was no denying that he'd entered her life in a time when she had a very noticeable Damon-shaped piece missing in it.

Enzo had, unfortunately, been shoved into his vacant position and asked to live up to an unlivable standard, but he'd made do. That wasn't to say that Enzo hadn't loved her, or that she didn't cherish every moment she had with him. But when Bonnie thought about true love, about the kind of love people wrote about, she wasn't sure that she and Enzo fit into that box. Theirs was a passionate, danger-filled three years that kept them on edge, but it was also steeped in loneliness and desperation. Enzo, trying to prove he was worth love, and Bonnie trying to find someone that wouldn't desert her. They had been what they needed at the time.

Three years and one resurrection later and while Bonnie laid in the center of her bed, her mind wandered less and less to her (former) flame and more and more to her (former?) best friend. Was he okay? Was he the same old Damon? Did she want him to be? Did he miss her? Would he be happy to have her back? Would he go on his merry way after they reunited or would he stay? Maybe without the guilt of Bonnie's death, he would seek out Elena again and give it a second (third? fourth? fifth?) try.

What little she could get from Stefan left her feeling like there were parts of the story she was missing. Damon was different. Adrift. Weighed down by Bonnie's loss, but better for not making the selfish choice. He still had his humanity on, so far as Stefan could tell, but something inside him had dimmed. He hadn't chased after Elena after she made her move, but instead let her go willingly. He'd fought tooth and nail not to give up on Bonnie, but buried her in an unmarked hole in the middle of the forest. Was he still searching for that magical cure to all that ailed her? Was he out there right now, bargaining with any witch who would hear him, over a way to bring back Bonnie Bennett without any casualties? Or had he drowned out any memory of her in a never-empty bottle of bourbon and a smorgasbord of blood and women?

A part of her wanted him to hurt. To feel the loss and rage that she felt when he left her a Dear John letter and climbed into a wooden box. She wanted him to know that hollowness that had crowded in around her when her best friend abandoned her and she was left to clean up his mess and go on the run to keep from opening a veritable Pandora's Box. But death and a 60-year nap were two very different things. While she'd known she would never see him, some part of her hoped he would wake up and change his mind, and that option, dim as it seemed, was there, at least. So far as Damon knew, Bonnie was dead, and there was no way to change it. Except there was.

Whatever had happened, whoever had done it, she was back, and she had no idea who to thank, or how long it might last. But with that kind of pressure on her shoulders, every day felt like borrowed time. It was a gift in some ways. She got to see her friends again, to see the family that Caroline and Stefan made with the girls, to watch Matt grow into an amazing sheriff, to know that Elena was creating a life for herself in DC as a nurse, and to play aunty to two amazing and intelligent little girls. It was a blessing and a curse. Because every day she wondered, 'will this be my last day?' Until she knew who had brought her back, she had no idea how limited her time on earth was. Which was, perhaps, why she did it.

Three months after returning from the dead, she opened her dusty old grimoire. According to Caroline, "I had to wrestle it out of Damon's hands. I know he was trying to use it to bring you back, but honestly, I didn't trust him not to trade it to some crazy voodoo priestess for some half-baked resurrection spell. Your family deserve better than that." Better at hiding things than Damon, he'd never found it again after Caroline took custody of the book, and now it was returned to its rightful owner.

Tracking spells weren't difficult. Stefan had happily given up a little blood to use in finding out where his big brother had wandered off to. Bonnie knew the spell back to front without having to crack open the family grimoire. That wasn't the spell she wanted to use. Rather, she wanted to use a summoning spell, but with a twist. She wanted Damon to come home. To hear her calling to him, wherever he might be, and drag his wandering feet back to the last place he wanted to be.

And so, surrounded by candles, with a bowl of sweet grass drizzled in Stefan's blood, Bonnie got to work.

tbc

note: i know, i know. i'm working on the latest chapter to 'end of the world,' but i hit a road block, and so i decided to write something else to get my muse going. that clearly ballooned. on the bright side, this three-piece story is completely finished. i have part two and three done and waiting to be posted. yay. and it's gotten me more jazzed for 'end of the world' so hopefully i'll have the next chapter up this weekend! :D

thank you all for reading! please, if you can, try to leave a review! also, if at all possible, consider dropping by my tumblr, clicking on that little blue button that says 'buy me a coffee,' and leaving a donation. i'm trying to save up money for a new computer since this one is on its way out and it would be a big help. no pressure. i still plan to write and update as often as i can. donations have no impact on whether or not a new chapter will be posted. it just helps me out a little bit.

thanks!
- Lee | Fina