Author's Notes:

I recently chuckled my way through Allen Blaster's Why Do I Love Beast Boy. I actually agree with most that he said, but I just had to put in my two cents – with a little twist. I want to thank Allen for his great story and for graciously allowing me to make use of it.

And yes, I'm in the middle of a writer's block for Convergence. I know what I want to do with it, but it's just not flowing out. Please be patient.

Note that whatever I mention here represents my personal views. This doesn't mean I don't read the stories about the pairings I claim to be less than ideal below. I always try to keep an open mind, and it has rewarded me well so far. I don't mind a discussion of my views as long as they're not flames. I've never removed any review and I don't want to start now.

Writer's Block

Raven sat on the couch, reading. Not that it was an unusual sight. Not that she didn't enjoy it. But lately it was happening way too often.

Changeling was sitting close to her, playing Mega Monkey 4. Again, not an unusual sight. Again, it was happening a lot recently.

As the boss from Level 41 killed his game character for what was easily the hundredth time, he tossed the controller on the coffee table in frustration.

"OK, that's it. I'm officially bored."

Raven looked up from her reading and raised an eyebrow. "That's dangerous. It means you will start planning pranks, which will then backfire, which will then place you in a very uncomfortable situation." Her eyes flashed. "Especially if I get caught in the crossfire."

Changeling grinned, then started speaking in an earnest voice.

"No worries. It's foolproof. You gotta hear it, it's worthy of the best evil genius minds. You know how Chrome Dome –"

"Garfield!" she interrupted him sharply. "Don't even think about it!"

"But Rae! You haven't even heard it!"

She put a page marker in the book and laid it down on the table, taking his face in her hands. "I don't need to hear it, Gar. I know."

He pouted. "Not fair, mamma! You are always happy just reading, but I wouldn't mind some action every now and then!"

She sighed. "I know, Gar. And don't think that I'm completely satisfied just reading. I wouldn't mind if something interesting happened myself."

His face lit up as he thought of something. He opened his mouth to ask, but only received back a cold stare.

"Sorry, Gar. This is the one rule you'll have to get used to. No period sex, period."

Garfield's shoulders slumped and he renewed his pouting. Raven picked up the book and resumed her reading.

"I'm booooored!"

She lifted her head again, rolling her eyes and heaving an exasperated sigh.

"I'm sorry, Gar, but I really don't see what I can do to help! It's not my fault that the Author's in a writer's block!"

"Author? You mean the guy, there… somewhere?"

"Yes."

Hang on, what… What the hell?

"Besides having a writer's block, he's kinda clueless" Garfield smirked.

"You men usually are" Raven replied sarcastically, trying to get back to her reading.

Whoa, wait, what do you mean 'clueless'? And how the hell am I talking to you? Why the hell am I talking to you?

"You have anything better to do?"

Of course! Um... No. If I had I wouldn't be sitting here writing.

"Thought as much."

Wait a second, what's going on here? I'm supposed to be the one writing! You're supposed to be the ones doing what I write!

"That would be right, if you could think of something to write!"

Yes, but… How is it that you…? You're not supposed to… Am I going mad?

"Maybe you should have a shrink check you" she replied coldly.

OK, just a second here. You're figments of my imagination. You have no life except for the one I give you. How the hell –

"We can add 'arrogant' to 'clueless', I guess" Changeling chuckled good-naturedly.

Raven slapped her book closed. "Presumptuous. Vain. Pretentious. Supercilious. Insolent!"

What, did I hurt your feelings? Am I not the person that writes about you? Why does that make me… supercilious? Is that a word? Gotta look it up.

"Do it. You'll find it as a synonym for stuck up. Know-it-all. Snotty. Puffed-up –"

OK, OK, I get it. I should've known better than to get in that kind of argument with you. Wait, why am I discussing this with a product of my imagination in the first place? I should turn off the PC, take an aspirin – a bottle of aspirins – and sleep. I must be sleep-deprived. Yeah, that's the problem. Gotta be.

"We're not a figment of your imagination. You didn't create us. You're just using existing characters to… create your own stories. And there are thousands of authors doing the same thing. What makes you so special?"

Um, OK, yeah, I see what you mean, but…

"Oh, you're surprised that we have an existence outside of your own experiences? Do yourself a favor and start with Descartes and deduction versus perception. While you're at it, make sure you understand his Dualism. Once you do that, you can start on Spinoza, until you reach Kierkegaard and the existentialists."

No thanks. I'll need a lot more than one bottle of aspirin for that.

"Figures" she grumbled and opened the book again.

Wait! I mean… If I'm not going crazy… Hell, even if I am going crazy, this is just too good an opportunity to pass up!

Raven frowned. "Opportunity for what?"

To get to know you better. It could improve my stories. Maybe make you more relaxed and fit in better, you know.

"Hmmm. That's actually not such a bad idea. I find it surprising that it came from you. Are you sure your wife's not giving you pointers over your shoulder?"

Changeling snorted, then covered his mouth, trying to keep his giggles down.

Ha ha. Very funny.

She shrugged. "I'm calling it as I see it. You haven't been much of a fountain of original ideas, have you?"

Uh… guess not. But I think I'm slowly getting better.

"I do think you are. Must be your wife's influence. Or your daughter's. What do you want to know?"

Just about everything and anything, I guess. Let's start with your relationship.

"Isn't that a bit personal?"

Hey, I'm the writer. I've been describing you in all kinds of situations, from fighting bad guys to training to… you know.

"I know what?"

I mean the, um, more intimate stuff.

"I don't remember you being so prudish while you were describing it" she said dryly. Changeling snickered again, obviously enjoying the exchange. She sent him a small, warning frown.

Well, I do want you two to be happy. And enjoy each other. And I always try to be… let's say I try to avoid detailed descriptions.

"I've noticed" she said caustically.

Well, if you're going to be like that…

"Oh, please! If anyone should be offended here it's us!"

I suppose you're right, but still…

"And I suppose I don't like people describing my love life, thank you very much. Let's skip that part, shall we? It's making all of us awkward."

"Hey, I like it!"

"Garfield…"

"I was just saying…"

What about you two being paired with other characters?

They both frowned, not having a visible target for their anger.

Did I touch a sore spot?

"Not so much sore as delicate" Raven said. Changeling's frown deepened. He relaxed back into the couch, but his eyes glowed. "Speak for yourself, mamma!"

"Where's this coming from?" Raven asked the ceiling, watching Garfield with concern, then suddenly scowling. "Are you planning to hook me up with an OC again?"

No, not really. I was… Hey, what's wrong with my OCs?

"Oh, no. You're not going to use me to promote your old stories. What were you going to say?"

Well, you gave Allen some pointers…

"I did. He has a bit too much confirmation bias, but taken broadly, he's right."

Aha! That's what I wanted to know. So, you and Robin can be –

"No."

No? But you said…

"Look, I know what I said. Richard is a great guy; he's smart, fit, handsome –"

"Raven!"

She placed a soothing hand over his. "Calm down, Gar. We're not discussing it seriously."

Looking up, searching for some indication of who she was talking with, she continued. "In any case, there are two reasons why Robin and me won't work. You must know the first one."

Starfire?

"Yes. I'd rather go through all tortures of Hell than stand between her and her happiness. That's it. Period. End of discussion."

And the second reason?

"Think about it. He keeps his nose buried in his work, I keep mine in a book. It would take forever for us to work up to a relationship."

So, hypothetically, it could happen.

Changeling's eyes blazed. "No, it could NOT! Hytophe – hycotep – tychophe – ARGH! Imaginary or not, it's out of the question!"

Someone sounds jealous…

"Calm down, Gar, this is just a 'what if' discussion!"

"Yeah, like, what if I go and punch that guy in the face?"

"He'll probably write a story where Cinderblock crushes you into a pulp" she said acidly.

Ouch. Sorry about that, both of you.

"Forget it. Look, Richard needs Starfire to drag him away from his obsession. I need Garfield to make me lighten up a bit. It's as simple as that."

OK, let's go on. Red X?

"I'm supposed to fall for a thief whose face I've never even seen?"

Well, the writer could make it so he loses the mask…

"Yeah, and I fall in love with an egotistical, arrogant, self-centered criminal that's even more childish than Gar? Are you for real?"

"Hey!"

"That's OK, Gar. It's one of your endearing characteristics."

Hmmm. I see what you mean. I gotta say he's one of my least liked characters. How about Slade?

Raven's eyes glowed red, a hint of red also appearing above her brows.

"I see you have a wish to visit the Pits of Hell. One way ticket. Your legs will go to the Third, your arms to the Fifth, the rest to the Seventh."

I suppose that's a subtle hint indicating a 'no'.

"I can be less subtle, if you've missed my meaning."

No, no, no, it was quite clear, thanks!

"Good. Are we finished with this? You're stepping into insulting territory."

Just a couple more. Cyborg?

"One word: Incest."

Kyd Wykkyd?

"After making me angry, you want to make me laugh? Just because he looks like a demon? I've been trying to run away from my own demon all my life, now I'm suddenly seeking to have an affair with one?"

Aqualad?

"Now you're talking!" she said, a wicked smile on her face, looking at Garfield. His eyes were narrowed, his arms folded across his chest, returning Raven's gaze angrily.

Speedy?

"The only thing Roy's got over Jason is that he's not a criminal. Otherwise, I'm surprised that the size of their egos didn't cause a gravitational collapse of the entire Solar System."

How about Red Star? I made the two of you good friends, but…

"Hmmm. Interesting idea. He's too obsessed with Starfire, even though his love is not romantic, but he is sweet and handsome."

Changeling's face was dark green, his hands now at his side, his fists clenching until the knuckles were white. A soft "Raven…" hissed through his tightened throat.

"Just a second, I have a petulant child to calm down here" she said, moved over to Changeling, embraced him and kissed him fiercely. His fury and jealousy dropped off him as if they were never there.

"You're being an idiot, Gar. I love you. Sit down, relax and enjoy this for what it is, an interesting intellectual exercise that means nothing."

He sat down on the couch, still frowning and grumbling under his breath.

OK, just one more –

"No. I don't swing that way, so forget about Starfire, or Jinx, or Terra, or whichever of the girls you were thinking about."

I did have you in a slash relationship...

"Just because you gave yourself the liberty, it doesn't mean – Bah, why am I discussing this with you? You'll go ahead and do whatever you want anyway!"

You know, somehow I think Jinx wouldn't mind.

Raven sighed. "She probably wouldn't, at least not as a pleasant, relaxing interlude. But as I said…"

OK, I think that would cover most of it, as far as you're concerned. How about Gar?

"What about me?" he asked, still fuming.

Your pairings. The obvious one would be –

"Terra. Yeah, I know. Forget it. I'm over her."

It's not that. The question here is whether it would be a realistic pairing.

"Only if you want to make him suffer when she breaks his heart again" Raven growled.

I'd like to hear it from him, Rae.

White fire kindled in her eyes. "I don't remember allowing you to use that particular way of addressing me."

Um… Sorry, Raven. Slip of the fingers on the keyboard. Want me to delete it and re-write it?

"No, leave it, just so you don't forget yourself again."

As you wish. Gar?

"I dunno, dude. I liked her, really. And I thought she liked me. But she betrayed us, and then she pushed me away, and… I guess it might work, but not easily."

She did sacrifice herself. Kinda making up for what she did.

"Yeah, I realize that. Still, once burned, twice shy, y'know how it is."

I do. I also know you give yourself out easily and forget all the bad things quickly.

He frowned. "I guess you're right, but still… I don't think I'd be comfortable."

Hmmm. Let's leave that one as a not-so-definite maybe.

"Whatever, dude."

How about Kori? I remember some stories I read…

"Whoa, dude, you serious? Dick would rip my head off and use it for target practice!"

Yeah, but if that… issue… could be fixed, like, y'know, say Rae – um – ven being with Richard, and you…

"Yeah, I mean, Star's hot, and she's got this great personality, and I like her a lot, but somehow… I dunno, it just doesn't click."

Jinx? Bee? Argent?

"Jinx is a bit too flat" he said, grinning at Raven. "I like my girls curvy." Raven frowned at him, but could not avoid a small blush from creeping up her face.

Hmmm. I remember Terra being flat as a board, but no matter. What about Bee? She looks hot.

"She does, but I dunno if Chrome Dome –"

Canonically, he's with Sarah.

"Still, doesn't feel right. Argent, on the other hand…"

You like her?

His grin widened. "Oh, yeah. She's hot, and has nice eyes, and – and no, I don't really like her, y'know. Not at all. We're just friends."

Raven…

"What?" she hissed, her eyes still glowing red.

Wasn't this an 'interesting intellectual exercise'?

"Being turned inside out and having your limbs ripped off is also an interesting sensation. Do you wish to experience it? Both of you?"

Come on, cool off. Not like I ever wrote about Gar being with anyone else.

"And you never will, if you know what's good for you!"

This is really crazy. Now I have my own characters ordering me around what to write and what not to.

She sat down on the couch, grabbed her book and opened it angrily. "Whatever. You guys get your kicks. I'll read."

She pretended to absorb herself in the book, but small arcs of black lightning still flashed from her eyes, crackling softly.

Um… OK. So, Gar, what about all those 'Beast Boy and his Harem' stories?

He leered. "I gotta say –"

"THAT'S IT!"

She floated a foot off the ground, all four eyes blazing with infernal light, the mouth twisted in a snarl revealing rows of sharp, triangular, serrated, shark-like teeth. A black nimbus surrounded her, white sparks coursing through it and crackling ominously, a mass of inky black tentacles coiling under her.

Suddenly the rage left her.

She floated down, again normal. "Quick thinking. And quicker typing."

Thanks. I think we'll let this part of our conversation go for now.

"I agree" she said coldly.

OK, so, how about changing the subject? Who's your most hated villain?

"Plasmus!" Changeling replied immediately.

Yeah. Somehow we always leave you covered in goo when you fight him.

"Right!"

I thought so. Rae? Uh, ven?

She rolled her eyes. "Oh, go ahead if you can't control yourself!"

It's just that I use it so much when I write your conversations that it comes kinda naturally to me.

"Just forget about it and call me whatever you want. Except Rae-Rae."

I'll keep that in mind.

"Good. Now, the worst villain? I'd say Slade. As in the most dangerous, with the Brain as close second. But he's not the most hated."

Adonis?

"The most despised."

Then who?

"Hmmm. Madam Rouge, I'd say. She's the most… evil one. Slade's driven; the Brain is mad, the rest are either your standard, garden-variety supervillains or even caricatures, like Control Freak, or Punk Rocket. But she's… sadistic; she enjoys causing pain. She would make a good demon."

How about Brother Blood?

"He was a lot more dangerous, intimidating and evil in the comics than in the show. I think they should've made a better challenge for Cy in the third season. Even Atlas was scarier."

You were a lot different in the comics, too.

"I like it better this way" she growled.

Why?

"My powers are much more useful. In the comics, I would appear only to heal someone or to be bad news. And when they allowed me to use my powers to do something, it would usually bounce back at me. I mean, I got my butt kicked by Doctor Light?" she said, incredulously.

I remember that episode. He kicked everyone's butt.

"Still, it's Doctor Light! Besides…"

Besides, what?

"I don't want to talk about it."

You mean, your appearance in the old comics, from the eighties?

"I said, I don't want to talk about it!"

Yeah, I hated it myself. You looked like an old –

"Author…"

I mean, even Madame Rouge looks better than –

"Dude, I think you'd better stop typing this and start typing something else, y'know?"

Ah… yes, I see, Gar. Thanks. Calm down, Raven, we'll skip that part, OK?

"If you wish" she said sweetly. The black nimbus around her head thinned and dissipated and her eyes lost their red tint.

Gar? How about yourself?

"I prefer myself in the comics, dude! I look much better, except for that stupid haircut in the older ones."

Yeah, in the show you're kind of short.

"I know" he grumbled.

And skinny…

"I said, I know!" he growled dangerously.

In any case, I guess everyone's hair looked dumb in the old comics. Except Starfire's.

"Yeah. She was hot, dude! I mean, that costume of hers –"

"Ahem!"

"Yeah, that costume of hers really was, like, not good at all, right, Rae? It was… What's the word?"

"If you mean Starfire's costume, the word is 'ludicrous'. If you mean the two of you, the word is 'obnoxious'."

"What she said, dude! Wait, what did you say, mamma?"

OK, you two. Listen, I managed to get 3k words of this inane stuff, so I guess now I'll go ahead and post it. It'll probably bomb, but if I get enough interest I may talk to you again and we can discuss some more things.

"That's got to be the most bare-faced, cynical, outrageous review-whoring I've ever seen" Raven said, scowling.

Well, it feels kinda weird to describe myself here, but if you imagine me with a guilty grin on my face it wouldn't be too far away from the truth.

She picked up her book again. "Whatever."

So, I guess that's it. Type to you two later, I hope.

"Whoa, dude, not so fast! Aren't you forgetting something?"

I am?

"Yeah, like, y'know, what made us talk in the first place?"

Oh, I see what you mean. Ummm. How about this?

Suddenly the Crime Alert started screaming, the red light flashing. Changeling's face split into a huge grin.

"Thanks, dude!" He turned and ran for the exit, following Raven. Just as he was about to leave, he stopped and turned.

"This better not be who I think it is!" he growled, scowling.

Heh. Sorry. Any preferences?

"As long as it's not Plasmus, I'm cool" he replied, still frowning.

Lemme see… Don't wanna use Slade, you've beaten the Brotherhood, I've used Cinderblock several times and I've got plans for Control Freak… How does Johnny Rancid sound?

His grin returned. "Great! Thanks!"

He ran out, almost skipping.