(known as The Only Difference Between Roommates and Worse Enemies is Press Coverage on ao3)

um? so what is this?

we got this idea wayyyy back in the beginning of the year in march - partly inspired by this amazing rhymewithrachel art (tumblr - /post/141044746788/a-spin-off-about-the-tokyo-trio-would-be-real - since we sadly cant post links here) - and it took us like a really long time to write like 3 chapters but ianyways/i HERE IT IS.

this first couple of chapters are just kinda establishing the setting and stuff, but it'll (hopefully) start taking shape and it'll (hopefully) be funny.

there might be a few minor manga spoilers here and there? but daishou isnt even in the anime yet so wyd if you haven't read the manga (just kidding, you should read it anyways. and also read the hq manga it's great)

- cameron

• • •

this took us a ridiculously long time to write (90% of time that could've been spent writing was spent coming up w headcanons) and we worked really hard on it so we hope u enjoy it. it's supposed to be funny and i honestly find it really funny, i just hope you guys do too.

there's only a few minor manga spoilers and daishou's only been in the manga for a few chapters so i hope you like our interpretation of him. the third chapter is where the plot kinda starts and the first two are mostly just funny skit chapters.

oh and every chapter title is modeled after a clickbait

-esmae

YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHO THESE TWO PEOPLE ENDED UP LIVING WITH

Kuroo fucking hated mice. His hate for anything rodent-like was only rivaled by shitty movies based on really good books. He could not articulate the hatred buried deep in his soul for the scurrying, hantavirus carrying, sickening rodents; so when he walked into an apartment absolutely filled with them, the rest of his day was pretty much ruined.

For the eighth time since then, his brain decided to inconveniently remember that scarring moment when the door swung open to Rodent and Disease Fun World™. His knee slammed into the table. An old couple nearby moved.

"Oh my god, Kuroo stop," Bokuto said, drinking a concoction of sugar and cream that he called "coffee" and flipping through newspaper articles of obituaries and apartments. "Maybe someone will die and we can have their apartment."

"Nnnnnnn," Kuroo groaned, rubbing his temples as he desperately tried to forget the their traumatic, disgusting experience. "I want to wash my brain out with bleach and antivirus."

"Which antivirus?"

"All of them," Kuroo replied, sounding traumatized.

"Which bleach?"

"The fuck, how many types of bleach are you aware of?"

"I don't know why you're still so upset about this. They're just mice. When I was little we had a pet mouse, but one time I brought it with me to volleyball practice and it didn't stay in the gym and some cat ended up eating it outside. But they don't even do anything, anyways. Boringest pet ever."

"But would you want to live in an apartment infested with them?"

Bokuto shrugged. "I guess not, but mice are more scared of you than you are of them." Bokuto held up his hand as if he were quoting an ancient proverb. "What would they do to you, anyways?"

"Oh I don't know … give me hantavirus, " Kuroo declared, slamming his hands against the table and staring at Bokuto.

"We live in Japan. Besides, owls eat mice." Bokuto grinned.

"Bokuto, for the last time, we are not getting a pet owl."

"Who said we're getting a pet owl?"

Kuroo glanced up at his friend.

"You don't…?"

"No," Bokuto resumed flicking through the paper. Kuroo drank the rest of his coffee, staring at him from the corner of his eye.

"Kuroo, look!" Bokuto said suddenly, shoving the newspaper in Kuroo's face.

Kuroo glanced over the page. "That's some old guy's obituary. What, does it mention an apartment he wants to sell to strangers at a low price?" He asked, almost hopeful. Of course, his hope had already been crushed by student debt and the fact that apartments were fucking expensive .

"No, no," Bokuto peeked over the top of the paper and pointed slightly to the side: a listing for an apartment.

Kuroo sighed, rather dejected. "We can look at it, I guess. As long as there are no rodents or bags of crystal meth clogging the toilet, I'll be good." He paused and took a closer look at the ad. "It's a three-bedroom, though."

"Yeah, but look at the cost!" Bokuto pushed the newspaper right up against nose. Kuroo snatched it away and raised his eyebrows.

"Wow, the price is pretty low for three people," he narrowed his eyes, "but I don't trust it."

"Well we should at least check it out, right?" Bokuto insisted. "Look, it's even close to both of our universities. Maybe we can find a roommate to share it with us, or at least see if the owner can lower the price."

"When did you start sounding so mature when making important decisions?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

• • •

"If there are any living creatures or drugs in that apartment room I'm leaving," Kuroo said, pointing like an angry suburban mom at the open door.

Bokuto stepped towards the door and rolled his eyes. Kuroo reluctantly moved forward.

"Wait," Bokuto stopped suddenly, "Kuroo, look at this."

Kuroo immediately screwed his eyes shut. "Bokuto, I swear to god, if there are any rodents in that apartment I am leaving. "

"No, really, look," Bokuto snickered excitedly.

"No. I'm not looking. Oh my god. Just tell me what it is."

"Kuroo!" Bokuto wailed.

Kuroo suspiciously opened one eye.

"Holy shit."

"I know."

"I can't believe this–"

"The apartment number is four-twenty." Bokuto turned to Kuroo, suddenly serious. "We have to get this apartment. It's destiny."

Kuroo looked down at Bokuto. "We haven't even looked inside yet."

"Kuroo. Four-twenty. "

The landlord impatiently cleared his throat from inside. Kuroo smugly motioned for Bokuto to go on ahead.

Just two steps into the apartment was the kitchen, which was very narrow and small, but stocked with all the (mostly outdated) appliances they needed. There was a bar area cut out of the wall at the end of the kitchen with hardly any counter space to eat at. It allowed view of the living area, which was surprisingly spacious and featured two windows and a fire escape that overlooked a gross-ass lot across the street. The landlord led them through the hallway of three bedrooms: two facing each other at the end of the hall, and one across from the bathroom.

"Wait, you mean there's only one bathroom?" Bokuto asked.

"Mhm, just the one." The landlord replied.

Bokuto groaned. "We can't take this one, Kuroo. Not when we're rooming with another person."

"What's wrong with it?"

"You take like eight years to shower! I can't afford to share a bathroom with another person."

"Yeah, well we can't afford to wait any longer to find an apartment!"

The landlord scoffed and assured him that whoever their roommate might be would probably be a decent person and not take forever in the bathroom.

When the landlord finished up the tour of the apartment, Bokuto and Kuroo went across the street to get dinner. At the moment they were technically homeless – but only technically.

"I think we should get it," Kuroo said. "It's close to our universities and the price split between three people probably wouldn't be that bad, plus it's in good condition and pretty roomy. Besides, there's this restaurant across the street."

"And there's no mice!" Bokuto added.

Kuroo closed his eyes and sighed in relief. "And no mice." He echoed. "Or drugs. Or weird smell. Or creepy neighbors. Or remnants of police tape, like that first place we looked at."

"But there's only one bathroom ." Bokuto wept, slamming his forehead down onto the table dramatically.

"Says the guy who wanted the apartment just because of the room number!" Kuroo roared. "You can deal with it!"

Bokuto pulled his head up and looked at Kuroo. "So, should we go back tomorrow and tell the guy we'll take it?"

As if on cue, Kuroo's phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hello, this is Kuroo Tetsurou, correct? I'm calling in regards to the apartment you and your friend were looking at just a bit ago."

Kuroo pulled the phone away from his mouth. "It's the landlord," he whispered loudly. Bokuto leaned over the table to listen. Kuroo put the phone up to his ear again. "Yes, what about it?"

"Another young man is interested in the apartment you two were looking at. He's your age and needs a roommate as well, and he actually goes to a nearby university. I thought you kids might be able to room together. Kill two birds with one stone, you know? The only thing is that you'd have to tell me now if you want it."

Bokuto snatched the phone out of Kuroo's hand before the landlord even finished.

"Yes, we'll take it."

What the hell, man? Kuroo mouthed. Bokuto hit him in the face.

"Ew! The hell, Kuroo, why'd you lick my hand?" He yelled.

"Excuse me?"

"Oh shit, I mean fuck. Shit. I'm so sorry, sir."

The line beeped.

• • •

A signed lease and a day later (where approximately 70% of that time was spent doing last-minute packing), Kuroo and Bokuto blindly stumbled up eight flights of stairs with their first load of boxes – at least one box of porn, a huge bag filled entirely with Pokémon merchandise, and exactly 67 coffee mugs; as you would.

"Okay, wait. I have a very important question," Bokuto announced as they ascended up the first flight. He stopped at the landing and faced Kuroo, a small Pikachu plush peeking out from the bag clutched to his chest. "It's been on my mind for days."

Kuroo raised an eyebrow. He swore the lights darkened dramatically as Bokuto looked down at him. "Yes?"

"When someone has a daddy kink, does that mean you want to be called daddy or you want to call someone else daddy?"

"Well, obviously it's when you want to be called daddy," Kuroo stated as he stepped up to the landing, "uh, well, at least I think," he added.

Bokuto hummed in thought. "Well, wouldn't it be both, though? Like, if the other person wasn't turned on by that, they'd just be calling their partner their dad. That's pretty fucking weird. OR! Or like, imagine you're in bed with someone and they suddenly say 'fuck me daddy' like WHAT would you even do? It's so weird, like … why?"

Kuroo shrugged. "I don't know, it's … it's pretty messed up." They approached their door and Kuroo began to pull his key out of his pocket, but noticed the door was already cracked open. "Oh, our roommate must be here already."

Bokuto ignored him. "Kuroo, I'm distressed. I need to understand this."

"Why, you got a daddy kink?" Kuroo snickered. He kicked open the door and they walked through the hall.

"No! I've just been thinking about this since last Tuesday and I–"

Their conversation stopped dead once they reached the living room. There, sitting smugly in a swivel chair ( a swivel chair? ) in the middle of the completely unfurnished room like the sneaky little bitch he was, was motherfucking Daishou Suguru in all of his filthy glory.

Kuroo and Bokuto both stood completely bowed over in the landlord's office.

"Please, sir, can we please room without him?" Kuroo pleaded. "We can live on our own and pay the rent just fine, but please we just can't room with him."

The landlord huffed. "Sorry, boys, but he already signed the the lease. He signed it before you, in fact, so I have no power to kick him out just because you can't get along with him." He glared at them. Kuroo felt that that looked was quite uncalled for, but knew their request was at least a little bit ridiculous.

Bokuto straightened up. "But he's a dick, sir."

"Don't say things like that!" Kuroo smacked him. "Learn to read the situation!"

The landlord just stared at them. He was visibly aging ten years every time one of them opened their mouth.

Kuroo cleared his throat and apologized. Then stomped on Bokuto's foot when he didn't do the same.

The landlord sighed. "Look. I can't do anything about it, and I wouldn't even if I could. Learn to coexist – or kill each other, I couldn't care less as long as you keep the place clean. Just leave me alone. Very simple."

Bokuto looked like he was going to cry and Kuroo was shaking like he was going to implode in on himself.

"But–"

"You two are high school graduates, right? Then act like it so I don't have to talk like I'm renting an apartment to grade schoolers! You have to stay for at least a month. Once you pay that off, you can do whatever you'd like, okay?"

Bokuto and Kuroo left the office feeling like they were just told they had to repeat the second grade – for the third time, at that. Defeated, they rounded the corner to return to their snake-infested room, but the motherfucker himself was leading against the wall on the other side, likely eavesdropping on their conversation. No – definitely eavesdropping, because at that very moment he confirmed their fear and looked straight into their eyes with a cunning, shit-eating grin on his face. That's the face of a man who just heard his rivals being scolded like six year olds. Bokuto and Kuroo were absolutely sure they would never be able to cohabitate with the supreme asshole overlord that was Daishou Suguru.

this is also on archiveofourown under the same title and by alpacameron and esmaewrites. our tumblrs are aro-alien and kenma-chat, so pls talk to us!