WATCH THIS MAN GO THROUGH THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF IN A MATTER OF HOURS!

When you see smoke coming out from under the door of your apartment, you know something is definitely wrong. Kuroo paused, took a moment to mentally prepare himself for the shitstorm, and unlocked the door. He was met with a wall of thick white fog. For a moment Kuroo feared that something was burning or on fire, but quickly realized that the smoke was odorless and colorless and probably just something stupid. And boy, was he right.

"Uh, Bokuto?" Kuroo called. He hesitated at the doorway, the fog seeping out into the hallway.

"Yeah? Oh, hey Kuroo!" Bokuto suddenly emerged from the fog and Kuroo jumped back with a shriek.

Kuroo whipped his head around to make sure nobody else was in the hallway witnessing this disaster. "What is this?" he whispered.

"Fog."

"No shit! I mean why is there fog in our apartment?"

"I bought a fog machine!"

Kuroo tried to formulate about five different responses at once, which resulted in him just making a bunch of exasperated noises at his dear friend. He knew asking why would get him nowhere and make him feel even worse. "This isn't proper," he settled on saying. "How long have you been home?"

"Ten minutes."

Kuroo facepalmed.

"Turn it off please."

Bokuto saluted. "Yessir!"

Kuroo listened to Bokuto bump around the kitchen and cringed when some stuff clattered onto the floor. A few moments later Bokuto completed his task and the fog slowly began to clear out.

Kuroo stepped in and dropped his keys on where he hoped the counter was supposed to be. "I woke up an hour ago and I want to die," he said. He felt his way through the living room and opened the windows. "How did the smoke detector not go off?" he asked.

"Oh, it did, but I took the batteries out."

"Of course you did," he sighed to himself.

About an hour later Daishou got home and began to play classical music at an abnormally loud volume in the living room. Normally that would be whatever (though Kuroo had to admit it was a strange choice), but currently Bokuto was in his room playing weird gangster music at the same time. The combination was not at all similar, but the funky beat-and-lyrics-only nonsense Bokuto was listening to paired well with the completely melodic Mozart or Bach or whateverthefuck Daishou was listening to. Surprisingly, it wasn't all that horrible, but the forever sleep-deprived Kuroo felt like he was hallucinating.

Kuroo crossed the hall and banged on Bokuto's door. "Bokuto, please turn that shit down!"

"No, I was here first! Tell Daishou to turn down his shit!" Bokuto's voice responded.

Kuroo sighed. He really is paying to live here.

He made his way to the living room.

"Daishou! Quit playing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony or whatever!"

"It's Symphony Number Five!"

"I don't care!" Kuroo yelled over the music. "I'm going to drop dead right here in this spot if all this noise doesn't stop."

"Then die I guess."

Kuroo closed his eyes, inhaled, exhaled, turned around, and walked out the door.

Daishou watched him leave with his mouth in a perfect 'o', then something finally clicked in his mind. He got up and turned the volume down.

Kuroo returned an hour later to a peaceful apartment. Daishou was still on the couch, playing Tetris on his laptop. Kuroo hovered over his shoulder. "Wow, League of Legends looks different than I remember."

Daishou laughed. "I'm a hardcore gamer."

"I can see that."

Kuroo watched as Daishou dropped a red block into place.

"Are you feeling better?" Daishou asked.

Kuroo had to admit he was a little taken aback. Just a little. "Yeah."

"Sorry I said that."

"I know. It's fine. Sorry I was being dramatic."

Daishou laughed. "You wouldn't be Tetsurou if you weren't being dramatic."

"Hey!" Kuroo said, though laughed as well. Then Kuroo noticed a whirring noise, and something bumped against his foot. "Eh?"

He looked down and saw a Roomba kicking it in reverse to back away from Kuroo's feet – something they did not own, to Kuroo's knowledge, a few hours ago. Not only was there suddenly a Roomba, but said Roomba had a piece of paper taped to it with a big frowny face labeled DAISHOU.

"Huh?"

"What is it?" Daishou lifted himself up and twisted around to look behind the couch only to see a little dirt-eating robot with his name on it scurrying across the floor. "What?"

Bokuto interrupted their confusion only to add more confusion. "Hey guys," he said, rushing into the room. "What if – just hear me out – what if dogs didn't bark, and they just said 'bark'."

Daishou snickered, and Kuroo would've burst into laughter if he weren't so tired and overwhelmed.

"Bokuto," Kuroo pointed at the Roomba. "What is this?"

"Huh? Oh, it's a Roomba."

Kuroo felt a strong sense of déjà vu.

"When did you get a Roomba?"

"This morning when I bought the fog machine." Kuroo facepalmed. Bokuto continued, "We haven't owned a vacuum for the six months that we've lived here so I figured we would get a robot."

"We have a vacuum! You use it all the time!"

"Not anymore."

Kuroo just decided not to ask.

"But why does it have my name on it!?" Daishou cried.

Bokuto shrugged.

The Roomba turned back around and made its way towards Kuroo's feet again.

"Daishou, Daishou, no," Kuroo addressed the Roomba, shuffling away from its little whisker-like sweeping devices that skirted his toes. "Please don't eat my feet. Control yourself."

Daishou (the real Daishou) got up and stood near the Roomba to properly observe the situation. "You're not doing it right," he said, "You gotta... like…" He got down on the floor and put his face by the Roomba.

Kuroo wheezed. "What the…?" He kneeled down as the Robot Daishou rammed itself into the Real Daishou's face, and Daishou yelped.

"I don't like myself," he said.

Kuroo laughed. "Oh my god, I don't blame you."

Daishou laughed, and a sly grinned crossed his face before he yanked Kuroo's arm to send him crashing to the floor with him.

The phone rang.

"Hello? ...Ah, yes. No, I don't know. It must've been one of my roommates. I'll come down and get it … ahaha, you are too kind! It is not at all a problem. Thank you, sir."

Kuroo paid no mind to Daishou's conversation on the phone. He lay on the couch, one arm draped over his eyes, dozing in and out of sleep as the TV droned on in the background. He vaguely heard the front door open and shut, and then after what only felt like seconds, heard it again. It was followed by some shuffling around in the kitchen – nothing Kuroo really processed.

Then.

Then, a blaring, amplified voice: "HELLO, MY NAME IS KUROO."

Kuroo awoke with a start and fell off the couch. "Whethafuck–"

"I'M SCARED OF BUGS AND SNAKES LIKE A WEENIE."

Kuroo's head popped up from the floor and whipped around to figure out what the fuck was going on. He found Daishou standing at the entrance to the living room with – wait for it – a megaphone.

"Why the – where the fuck did you get that from?" Kuroo cried.

"I'VE GOT HAIR LIKE A ROOSTER," Daishou continued to mock Kuroo at unacceptable volumes, complete with a dopey voice and an upwards gesture over his head to mimic Kuroo's bedhead.

"Why do you have that?"

Daishou returned to a regular position and spoke to Kuroo seriously, albeit still through the megaphone: "Kuroo I don't understand these questions that you're asking me."

"Don't use the megaphone in here!"

"WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

Kuroo scrambled up and made a hasty retreat towards his bedroom. "Stop!"

Daishou scuttled after him. "THIS IS JUST MY MOUTH!" Daishou caught Kuroo's door with his foot and used his free hand to pry it open, Kuroo desperately trying to pull it shut from the other side.

"We're gonna get evicted!"

"I'M HOPING FOR IT!"

Daishou squeezed into Kuroo's room, and Kuroo collapsed onto his bed in defeat, ears plugged. "Why!"

"Kuroo, why not?!" He stood over Kuroo's bed, yelling at him through the megaphone at a minimum distance of four feet.

"Did you just get that?"

Daishou lowered the megaphone. "I don't understand why you're really – why you're asking so many questions." He barely suppressed his laugh. "What did I do to deserve this interview?"

Bokuto invited himself in. "Bark! Oh cool, my megaphone's here!"

"You just noticed?" Kuroo yelled.

Bokuto snatched the device from Daishou. "I was reading about its features online. Look, it does this, too." Bokuto pressed a button and the megaphone started wailing.

Kuroo jumped. "Oh my – STOP!"

"Kuroo said to stop ordering packages so I got another one."

"What the hell, Bokuto!"

Daishou took back the megaphone and tested out the siren for himself.

"STOP!" Kuroo lunged forward and took the megaphone hostage. "Why did you order this?"

"Is there a reason not to?"

"Bokuto, you already have a megaphone in your vocal chords!"

"Yeah, but I can't make a siren noise."

"Well have you even tri– ...you know what, never mind," Daishou said. He walked around the bed and made his way to the window. "Also, this fucking window was open," he shut it with a laugh, "We're gonna get evicted."

Kuroo sighed. He just had to accept it. This was his reality. His incredibly idiotic reality.

He put the megaphone to his lips. "Bark. Bark. Bark bark."