Hey, what is up you guys? This is Flower1815 here, bringing you a new chapter of MLTS - The Breaking Point part 3. The official playlist has also been updated again, and I highly recommend you guys to check it out, you can find the link over on my tumblr at Heather1815

Oh man, I've been looking forward to posting this one! I put a lot of hard work and care into writing this chapter in particularly and it means a big deal to me, so I can only hope that it pays off and the rest of you will enjoy it just as much as I do! I personally see this chapter to be my best work yet, but whether that is true or not remains up to you. This is, however, the last chapter of the batch of already written ones for constant updates, and I'm gonna have to go on hiatus to write some more. But don't fret! I will definitely return with a brand new chapter in August, maybe even as early as July if all goes well, and in October 31st the cycle will start over with more frequent updates. Trust me, I am nowhere near quitting this work.

So I think that's it. Thank you guys so much for all your support, from the bottom of my heart, I really appreciate it! Thank you all so much for the lovely comments and beautiful fanart! I hope you guys enjoy reading this chapter, don't forget to leave a review telling me your thoughts, and I'll see yah'll later! ;)

The sound of the drumming rain outside, followed by the occasional loud rumble of thunder, were the only things that filled the empty space of the hotel room Edd had arranged for himself. It was a last minute reservation kind of deal, since Edd wanted to leave as soon as possible to avoid going through the heartache of spending his last few days before leaving this town, and his past behind forever, in the presence of his last childhood friend. It would only hurt them both if he had stayed. Leaving now was for the best.

Edd tried flicking the lights on, but the bulbs above his head flashed briefly before dying out entirely and leaving him in total darkness. "Great." He muttered dryly. He approached the king sized bed and placed his luggage down on the mattress. He peered around the dimly lit room. There was a television in the corner, adjacent to the window with the blinds closed; a desk with a mini bar underneath and a large mirror beside it; mahogany wooden closets, and a bathroom to the right. It felt weird to stand in the unfamiliar room by himself. No one to make sarcastic comments about the new temporary living arrangements, or reassure that things could be worse - not even the feel of a feline rubbing against his ankles.

It was just him, now.

All alone.

Shaking his head free of these thoughts, Edd carded a hand through his wet hair and instantly decided to take a shower. He was soaking wet from walking in the rain, and he could do with a nice relaxing hot shower to take his mind off things. Stripping free of his clothes he made his way into the bathroom and jumped into the shower. At once, the warm water encased him and Edd let out a relieved sigh; tension lifting off his shoulders and all of his muscles relaxed.

As he showered, Edd tried to imagine what was happening back home. Matt probably went straight to Eduardo and Mark for comfort the minute he went out the door. He might've shed a few tears for his departure, but once he realized how much better friends Mark and Eduardo were than him… Edd winced. Nothing matters anymore; he had to keep on believing that his decision was the right one. How can it not? Tom told him to choose whatever made him happiest. He must be doing the right thing. Matt was going to be fine.

Then how come you feel so hollow? A small voice echoed inside him.

Suddenly, the shower wasn't as relaxing as it first appeared. The water seemed to turn uncomfortably hot and seared his skin for some reason; making him itch and prick all over. The warmth and comfort it once brought was swept away and replaced with something unbearable. No matter how much he scrubbed himself, he felt as if he would never get cleaned. Edd hastily finished showering and stepped out, trying to escape this feeling, and immediately wrapped a towel around himself.

He opened the bathroom door to let out some of the steam that accumulated from the shower, and let in some much needed refreshing air. Edd sighed, thankful for the cold air that entered and cooled his body. The uncomfortable sensation did not leave, however. Turning away from the bedroom, Edd dried his hair while facing the large fogged mirror looming in front of him. As he swiped a hand over the reflective surface to clear away the fog, he could've sworn he glimpsed a figure in a blue hoodie bending down to the mini bar far behind him before standing up, revealing to be none other than Tom, holding a bottle of Smirnoff in his hands. Edd stiffened, his eyes widening.

"Are you finally happy with yourself, Edd?" Tom asked, his eyeless gaze meeting his through the reflection in the mirror.

With a startled gasp, Edd jumped, spinning around to look behind him, but the room was devoid of life. There's no one else here. However; for a brief moment, he saw Tom again - just like back at the docks. His heart ached, a dull pain deep in his chest. If that was really Tom, why was he back? His stomach churned apprehensively.

Shaking his head, Edd brushed the sighting off his mind, hurrying to dry himself and get dressed. He settled for his classic green hoodie and brown khakis from his luggage, and decided the best way to distract himself would be to turn on the television and maybe watch some cartoons or whatever dumb movie was on. Before turning the television on, however, Edd caught sight of the mini bar next to the desk.

Edd tensed.

He slowly neared it, his steps cautious as if he half-expected something to burst out from the tiny fridge to spook him. His hand grabbed the handle. Edd gulped. Then he ripped open as fast as he could and was met with nothing but drinks and snacks; including cola.

Edd shivered but breathed out a sigh of relief at the same time. Disturbingly enough though, there were mini bottles of Smirnoff as well. He brushed it off as a coincidence - Smirnoff is quite a popular drink, after all; it is only expected for there to be some in the fridge. He reached out to grab a cola can only to halt. His eyes shifted over to the cans of beer by the corner, internally debating his decision. He could use something to numb his mind for a little while...

Reluctantly, he went for the beer.

Cracking the can open and taking his first sips of the alcoholic beverage, Edd finally found himself relax. He hopped onto the bed, grabbed the control remote, and flicked the television on.

He surfed through the channels for a little while, looking for anything particularly mind-numbing that could help distract him. Zombie pirates from hell 3… 4… Professor Why… The cats… The children… Each channel caused a little twinge of pain in his chest, but Edd went past so fast it didn't sit with him for very long for him to really think about it.

"So you're ignoring your problems now, huh? Very mature."

At first, Edd thought that might've come from the television, but deep down in his gut he knew that voice from anywhere. Edd's eyes widened but he refused to take them off the TV, dread creeping over him.

"Don't act like you don't hear me, Edd. Unlike Matt, you will find I am not so easy to ignore!"

Of course you're not. Edd inwardly argued, instantly disregarding the wave of guilt that swept over him. How can I possibly ignore you when you're all I can think about these days? Slowly, he shifted his gaze away from the television and to the large mirror next to it; and sure enough, the image of Tom stared back at him with his arms crossed and a mild expression of disapproval on his face.

Edd stared back at him, his eyebrows furrowed. His breath caught in his throat. "What do you want with me?"

Tom narrowed his eyes and sighed. "You already know the answer to that."

Edd made no move to respond. His stomach was doing flips and he felt jittery.

"How could you leave Matt?" Tom asked incredulously, his gaze darkening. "After everything that's happened, I thought the last thing you would want is to lose more friends! But you just cast him aside instead. Have you learned anything at all?"

Edd blinked flabbergasted. "You told me I could go!" He pointed out accusingly. "You said you wouldn't mind if I left; that friendships aren't meant to weigh you down. What about there being four again, huh?"

Tom frowned, his gaze sharpening. "How can you be so blind to the truth? Even now, you still refuse to see what's wrong with the picture."

With an indignant scoff, Edd turned away to fix his attention back to the TV screen and promptly raised the volume in hopes of drowning out Tom's voice. However, the apparition in the mirror didn't seem deterred by that and went on as usual.

"Matt tried to help you." He reminded Edd sternly. "He did the best he could for you. He even put his own grief aside to try and help you. It was you who decided to turn a blind eye! You were suffering and didn't mean to ignore him, but what's done is done. Then Eduardo and Mark came into the picture and suddenly you decided to put up more walls around yourself. Is that what you promised me when you finally visited me? To be a d#ck to everyone around you?"

Edd met his gaze stubbornly, trying to ignore the shame that burned beneath his skin. "I tried to move on!" He insisted. "I don't know what else I could have done differently - I just wanted to be left alone to process all the changes. Matt wouldn't stop pestering me, and Eduardo and Mark were always around; I could never be true to myself when they're there."

Tom gestured to the beer in his hands, his eyebrows rose disbelievingly. "And I suppose you're being true to yourself now, huh?" He muttered dryly.

Edd glanced away, but said nothing. He consciously placed the beer on the nightstand next to his bed.

"Was it worth it? All the stubbornness and refusal to accept things as they are, just to prove a point? Make Matt feel miserable at every given chance because you made him out to be nothing more than just a terrible reminder, even though he has no fault in the matter. You never even bothered to wonder how he was handling things." Tom tipped his head to one side. "Reagan changed just about everything about you, and you let it happen because going back to normal would remind you of all you lost. You even put up with him at his worst, disregarded all the red flags and put yourself in danger time and time again for him, just so you could ignore everything else around you."

Edd's mouth dried as he searched for words. "That's not true!" He exclaimed. "Reagan is my friend. And I know Matt is not to blame for anything." His words hung hollow even to his own ears.

"And yet, you can barely bring yourself to even acknowledge him." The scorn in Tom's voice pierced through his heart.

"Why can't I think about me for once?" Edd flashed, his eyes glistening.

"Why can't I think about me for once?" Tom mimicked, his tone harsh and mocking.

Edd was stunned. "Just leave me alone!" He jumped out of the bed and backed away, hands flying to grip the sides of his head. He swayed on his feet, dizzy with confusion.

"Eduardo tried to help you, too." Tom carried on. "He did what you couldn't and looked past all the bad blood between you two to talk things out. He came to you as a friend; and what did you do? You openly insulted him instead."

Edd shuddered, guilt twisting in his belly. "I didn't really mean to!" He protested. "I just wanted him to leave me alone, and it came out by accident."

Tom said nothing. He just stared at him.

"I thought you understood me!" Edd wailed. "Why are you being so mean to me now?"

"Did you even try giving them a chance? Like; really put your past behind and look at them as the individuals they are now?" Tom demanded. "Better yet - have you even attempted talking to Matt about all of this? Of course you didn't. Because you just couldn't be bothered to bring up old wounds and find a healthy way out of this. You opted for distractions and needlessly lashing out at everybody."

"Please, stop."

"You've turned mean, Edd." Tom spat. "You don't care for anyone other than yourself, and you don't care if you hurt others to justify your actions even though you know deep down you're in the wrong."

"Stop it!"

"Face it, Edd. You like being miserable and feeling sorry for yourself!"

"Enough!" Anger took over Edd, pulsing so hard it controlled his movements and he flung the lamp from the nightstand at the mirror in a blind fit of rage, shattering the glass. Edd was left standing there, fists clenched at his sides and panting. When he peered back at Tom, he found his own distorted reflection staring back at him instead; furious and so hard to recognize between the cracked shards.

Edd's breath hitched in his throat, anger instantly forgotten, hands flying to his mouth. "N-no!" He whispered and reached out toward the mirror, hoping in vain that he could take back the damage he caused. "Oh, what have I done? I- I didn't mean to." Regret for his actions swept over him at full force and he collapsed to his knees, tears gathering in his eyes. This time, Reagan wasn't here to blind him of his feelings with smooth words and other distractions. He was alone now. He can't escape the shame nor the grief that's been haunting him for months now.

"Y-you…you were never really there, were you?" Edd sobbed, his head lowered. "All this time… I thought you were there for me. I want you back so badly… is that such a horrible thing to want?"

Matt's words flashed in his mind. "I'm sorry I am not Tom, okay! I know you prefer he were here instead of me – But I'm not him, and I'm so sorry you got stuck with me instead. I tried… I tried to help you… but it's like you don't even see that I'm here." Then Eduardo's voice joined Matt's. "Emotions can be overwhelming, but that doesn't mean you should start doing whatever you want for the sake of ignoring them. You have to acknowledge them if you want to get better, not dismiss them." Edd's thoughts whirled. They were only trying to help me… and I resented them for it every step of the way. Alarm ripped through his chest. I was awful!

These past months, the only one he ever listened to was Reagan. He was new. He had no previous connections to anything of his past. A good distraction. He could hang around him with no painful memories, no matter how shady their activities were. Actually, no… that's not entirely true. Many times Reagan reminded him in several ways of his two lost friends. Edd longed to go back to the way things were.

But he can't.

No matter how much he wants to, he can't.

With cold, crushing certainty, Edd knew he couldn't leave things as they are now. Not when he messed up this bad. The heavy feeling in his chest is a clear confirmation of that. He needs to go back and talk to Matt and make things right. Edd's heart began to race. The idea of walking into his old home suddenly seemed far scarier than fighting gang members by himself. I can't go back now! He panicked. I've done so many dumb things. I hurt him when I left. He won't want to see me again after everything I've done!

Edd closed his eyes, wondering what Tom would do in this situation. His mind instantly remembered the giant robot incident. That seems so long ago now… one disaster after another. Edd didn't think at the time anything would be more devastating than being betrayed by his closest friend but life sure found a way to prove him wrong. Tom had left them when he'd been cast aside in favour of Tord, but he later returned to make things right once he found out the truth about him. He could have simply ignored it and left Edd and Matt to their fates, but he came back for them. Even when the odds were against him, and he knew of his friends preference then, Tom still returned to make sure they were okay.

So what's his excuse? Shame?

Longing seared through his chest. Edd sighed, his throat tightening. He knows what he's got to do. He needs to go back and make amends, and get the full picture of this story. If his damage is too great to be undone, then Edd will resign to his fate. He already made his choice to leave, and Reagan is counting on him to fulfil it. That's fine by Edd. But if there's even the tiniest chance to make things right, shouldn't he take it?

Heart leaping, Edd dried his eyes with the back of his sleeve and shakily scrambled to his feet. "I'm not running away." He swallowed. "I'm done running away."

Edd burst out of the hotel and into the streets, instantly getting soaking wet. He paid no mind to the stormy weather as he hurried back the way he came, towards home. His gaze fixed ahead the entire time. He quickened his pace. Home seemed a long way off. All around him, the rain melted away all the snow, turning it to slush and making the ground feel slippery beneath his feet; but that didn't deter Edd. He kept his gaze firmly ahead. He didn't even pay any mind to the traffic as he raced on, nearly getting hit once or twice and angering a few drivers on his way.

At last, his home was within reach. The building was hardly visible among the rain and mist, each step closer made it the tiniest bit more perceptible than before. Edd's feet were sore and his heart pounded with mounting suspense by the time he reached the steps toward the entrance. Although he was exhausted from the long trek over to the hotel and run back again, he quickly ascended the steps and entered the building. As he drew closer to the first floor, he heard a loud piercing cry of grief ringing throughout the hall that made him halt in his steps. Matt!

He raced the last few steps remaining, his heart racing. What will he say to Matt when he finally sees him? That hasn't really crossed his mind until now. The truth! He decided. I will tell him the whole truth!

"Matt!"

He called out only to break off abruptly as he reached the hallway. Slipping out of Matt's apartment and closing the door behind him, muffling the loud cries coming from inside, Eduardo faced him with a scowl. Edd gulped. His determination seemed to dwindle at the sight of his former rival. "What are you doing back here?" Eduardo demanded, taking one threatening pace closer. His voice betrayed surprise. "Haven't you caused enough damage?"

Edd lowered his gaze and stared at his feet, hot with shame. "I… I need to talk to Matt."

Eduardo stiffened, his gaze narrow. "What for? To make him feel worse than he already is?" As if on cue, Matt's sobs turned louder from behind the door, making both of them wince at the noise.

"He really took my departure that badly?" Edd asked anxiously. Matt was known to cry for the littlest of things, but he can't remember him ever crying this anguished before.

"What did you expect, loser?" Eduardo retorted, curling his lip. "Did you think he would just shrug his shoulders and smile as if none of his best friends had ever left?" He paused, his tone softening. "Mark is in there with him right now. We've been trying to get him to calm down since you left, but so far he's been inconsolable."

That was almost three hours ago! Edd flinched. He really screwed up this time, hasn't he?

A fresh wave of desperation flooded over him. "I must see him! Please, Eduardo, I need to make things right."

Eduardo scoffed. "A little too late to go back on your word, don't you think? You already agreed to leave, or so I've heard. I'm not letting you get past me just to hurt the doofus some more."

For a moment Edd was taken aback by his harsh words, as if he hadn't quite realized what his choice would mean. Then he remembered their argument the night before, and how he had insulted Eduardo in a burst of anger and frustration. Matt's not the only one he owes an apology to.

"I was a d#ck." He blurted out without a second thought.

"What?"

"You were right all along about me." Edd continued with an air of exasperation that came from his depleting pride, but for the sake of fixing things he roughly shoved it aside. "I was acting like a real jerk. I was selfish. You tried to help me, and I didn't listen. I even went so far as to insult you when it was uncalled for, and… most likely hurt your feelings, too. I am a huge gaping #sshole and I s#ck major d#ck! I see now that I could've acted more maturely about this mess, and for that I am so sorry for the way I treated you."

Eduardo blinked slowly in disbelief. The loser finally came around? And he's actually apologizing? I'm not buying it. He inwardly snorted. He opened his mouth to turn Edd away once more; to remind him of the choice he made for himself and to piss off, but Edd wasn't done speaking.

"I'm sorry, Eduardo. I am so, so sorry. I know I messed up, but please, please let me through! I need to talk to Matt so that I can understand what he's been going through, and apologize to him properly. It's really important that we talk! Please please please let me see him! I can't… I will never live with myself if I leave without at least trying to make things right."

Eduardo stopped short. Uncertainty showed in his eyes. He could detect the genuine despair and urgency in the loser's voice. But is that enough to warrant him a pass? Then another feeling flooded through him.

Empathy.

He knows better than most what is like to have so many words and feelings restricted in your chest due to pride locking them aside. He knows what it's like to be a stubborn, hard-headed jackass who can't appreciate what he has before it's brutally ripped away from him. He didn't get a chance to confess the truth to Jon. Can he really refuse the same chance to loser and doofus?

Edd wearily searched Eduardo's gaze, his heart quickening. Would he let him through?

There was a hesitant pause. Then Eduardo nodded curtly and stepped aside. "Does this mean you've changed your mind about leaving?"

Edd's stance faltered. "I… I don't know." He glanced away.

Eduardo's eyes flashed, and he grunted. "Don't mess this up more than you've already have, loser. Or else!" He knocked on the door behind him. A moment later, the door opened and Mark slipped out with a weary sigh.

"What is it this time, Eduardo? I already told you that I would notify you once I feel as though Matt is starting to calm down." His blue eyes fixed on Edd and he frowned. "Why is he here?"

"He's here to help." Eduardo replied, and then shot another warning glare at Edd. "Hopefully."

Warmth stirred in Edd's chest and he bowed his head low, filled with gratitude. "Thank you." He breathed. Stepping forward between the two neighbours, he reached for the door to Matt's apartment and slipped inside.

The sound of Matt's sobs grew louder as he approached; his belly tightening at the heart wrenching noise that echoed throughout the apartment. He hurried his way past the living room, filled with all of Matt's portraits of himself in different angles and poses. Edd stopped briefly to glance at some of them. Looking back at them now… Matt sure changed a lot, hasn't he?

How could he have been so blind as to not have noticed before?

Nearing the bedroom door, he noticed it was slightly ajar and he pushed it open with a resonating creak; however, the noise did not get Matt's attention as he was curled up on his bed, surrounded by bed sheets and tissue boxes, and face buried on a pillow as he cried. Edd hesitated by the doorway. No turning back now. With a deep breath, he stepped closer and laid a gentle hand on his friend's back.

Matt looked up wearily, teary blue eyes glittering with surprise as he saw him. For a heartbeat he did not seem to recognize him, and then his eyes stretched wide. "E- Edd?" He sniffled. "You came back?"

Edd smiled sadly and crouched beside him on the bed. "Hey." He murmured. "I'm here." More tears welled up in Matt's eyes and he sobbed harder. Edd blinked. Why was Matt still crying? He thought being back would at the very least soothe him? "What's wrong?" He frowned, struggling to understand.

"Y-you forgot to take your emergency stash of cola, didn't you?" Matt's voice quivered, struggling to keep his sobs in to speak coherently. "That's why you're back, isn't it?"

Alarm spiked in Edd's stomach. "What? No! Of course not!" He wrapped his arms around Matt's form, trying to lend him comfort. "I came back for you. I'm here to talk to you!"

Matt was trembling as he pulled away to meet his gaze. "But not to stay?"

Edd shifted awkwardly, unable to bring himself to answer that yet. "Matt…" He began, licking his lips nervously. "I'm so sorry for the way I've been treating you."

"It's okay. I understand why you did it." Matt lifted his head sharply, hastily cleaning the tears from his eyes.

"That's no excuse to treat you lower than dirt." Edd continued. "I never even bothered to ask you how you were doing. Not once!"

"You were grieving."

"So were you!"

They stayed quiet after that. Both of them unsure how to carry on the conversation. Edd stared intently at Matt. There were so many things he wanted to say; so many things needing to be addressed and yet Edd couldn't find the words for any of it. How can he mend so many mistakes in just one conversation? Then he realized… in order to move on and heal properly, he's gonna have to open up all the wounds.

"How much do you remember about Tord?" He asked, his voice thick with emotion though he kept it under check.

Matt looked up in surprise. "You mean Todd?" He echoed and shook his head. "Not a lot." He tucked in a tuft of hair behind his ear. "I remember him being nice and so cool at first. He was a lot of fun and I felt like I wanted to impress him. But then he… he punched me in the face and I no longer wanted to be around him." And of course there was the whole robot ordeal and trying to hurt Tom, but Edd knows all about it so he didn't feel as if he needed to elaborate on that part.

Edd nodded stiffly. He suspected as much. Matt lost most of his memories of Tord due to a memory eraser gun created by the latter.

"Were you hurt when he turned out to be not as nice as he seemed?" He inquired.

Matt shrugged. "Maybe a little bit." He fixed his gaze on Edd meaningfully. "But I know you were hurt more."

Edd's belly fluttered with grief and he sighed. "I was." He admitted at last, thinking longingly of the time when they were young and the four of them were friends. The tension in his shoulders relaxed as he let go of the long-held pain. "Tord was our friend since kindergarten. He's always been one of us. Then he left to pursue his dreams and I missed him so much… when he came back, I thought everything would go back to normal. That's why it hurts me so much that he betrayed us in the end. We…" He held back a sob. "We didn't mean as much to him, as he meant to me."

Matt listened quietly, still somewhat weary to discuss this topic mostly due to Edd's past reactions whenever the subject of their old friends was brought up. He didn't want to upset him. Then a flicker of guilt ignited within him. He's done nothing but earn this behaviour.

"I'm so sorry, Edd."

"What for?" The brunet asked. "I'm the one who was a bad friend here."

"No! I mean, I'm sorry for not trying to help you before." Matt explained, his tone unsure. "I… I noticed you weren't being yourself after we lost our house. You were always sad. Smiling, but never quite as bright as it used to. But even though I noticed it, I didn't do anything to help you then." He paused, his voice cracking. "I thought… I thought there wasn't much that I could do for you. So I ignored it, and hoped the issue would resolve by itself in some other way. I was selfish."

Edd tensed, digging his fingernails into the bed. He feels uneasy finally addressing the issues that festered within him for so long, but he urged himself to listen and go on.

"Then… then Tom died, and I knew I could not afford to be selfish anymore, and so I tried to help you." Matt went on, more tears streaming down his face. "But everything I did, I did it wrong and just made you even more upset!"

"It's not your fault." Edd swallowed thickly. "I was being unfair to you. Any reason I could find to lash out I would take it."

"Still, it made me think how much better off you would've been if Tom or Todd were here in my place instead. I feel so useless!" Matt cried out. "I may not like Reagan, I don't like him one bit, but he certainly seems to know how to make you feel better. So I was always torn between trying to keep you away from him, or just letting it happen because he made you happier."

"I don't think that's entirely true anymore." Edd sighed. More briskly he added, "Reagan served as a distraction more than anything, but he doesn't exactly offer comfort." In fact, thinking back now even when they so much as greeted each other with a hug Reagan seemed tense and stiff. Almost as if he were forcing himself to do it rather than simple courtesy. It felt a little awkward, but Edd always dismissed it. "I didn't want to think about how much everything has changed. I couldn't accept that I lost both Tord and Tom, or how Eduardo and Mark didn't want to be our enemies anymore. It was all too much for me to bear." He turned his head to meet Matt's brilliant blue gaze. "And… I made you out to be nothing more than just a terrible reminder of it all. Looking at you and being around you hurts. I am constantly reminded of what I lost. I know you have no fault in this, but I just can't help it. I'm sorry, Matt."

Matt managed a small smile. "You know, if we keep this up this conversation is just going to end up being a circle of apologies."

Edd chuckled. "Well, things still need to be said, don't they?"

They fell under a comfortable silence, both of them just enjoying the easy atmosphere that settled over them. Which felt also weird, considering the heavy subject matter they were discussing to begin with. During this silence, Matt contemplated on what Eduardo told him the previous night about recalling their lost ones with fondness and debated on whether or not trying it out with Edd now, seeing as he was so open-minded and at ease right now. At the same time though, he was afraid to ruin it.

"Do you…" He hesitated, and then tried again. "Do you remember when Tom sometimes would act all goofy and fun? Like that one time when we built the extension to our old house? He was a lot of fun then."

Edd remembered how frustrating it was to keep check of him and make sure he wouldn't wreck their house to smithereens with the drill during their project. Now all he could think about was how much fun Tom had been; he would give anything to have Tom back, even if he was grumpy most of the time. The memories choked him so that he couldn't reply to Matt.

"To be fair, we were all goofing around at the time." Matt went on. "Or how about that one time he drank all the white paint thinking it was milk?

"And he kept drinking it even when he knew it wasn't." Edd managed to speak at last. "When we were kids, he thought up the best games… but as we grew older he kinda became the voice of reason."

Amusement lit up in Matt's eyes. "Which is kinda funny when you realize that he's the one who got most injured in our adventures despite that."

Gradually, listening to his friend, Edd began to feel comforted. This was the first time anyone had spoken to him about Tom this way. I guess I always avoided the subject, just like I did with Tord, because I thought it would hurt too much. But it's good to hear Matt's memories and remember our friend together. It makes Tom seem closer; somehow.

"I'll never stop missing him." Edd managed softly. He then frowned. "My only regret is not being able to help him while I still could."

Matt gazed at him, startled but silent as he waited for his friend to continue.

"We both noticed Tom had been acting strange for quite a while, we just never knew when or how to confront him about it. Looking back now, I wish we had done it sooner and a lot differently. God! What was I thinking when I replaced his bottles of Smirnoff? I should've known that would have only made things worse!"

"You can't know that." Matt responded, feeling how strange it was to reassure his more capable friend. "We needed to address the issue directly to Tom, or he might have never opened up to us. Changing his bottles was the only way we could think of at the time to get his attention and to make sure he'd stop drinking so much."

"But maybe there was a chance he could have opened up to us! If I had been a better friend to him maybe he would have felt comfortable enough to trust me with whatever was bothering him." Edd paused, his voice thickening with emotion. "Remember just a few weeks after Tom died; when I was in denial and cleaning his apartment in hopes of him returning?"

Matt stiffened, dread hollowing his belly at the thought of where he might be going with this topic. "Um… yes?"

"After our argument, I moved to clean his bedroom next…" Edd sighed. "Oh Matt, there was so much blood in his bathroom! His bedroom was in shambles, and he had so many razors and glass shards scattered everywhere. Now I know for certain there was something seriously wrong with Tom. He must've been suffering so much to resort to such extreme measures!"

Matt's eyes rounded with dread. "You think he was-?"

"At the time I thought it was just from shaving, maybe. But I was in denial then, and looking back at it now, what else could it be? Tom was being so distant it's hard to tell." Edd murmured, running a hand through his messy locks. "I wish I'd tried harder to get an answer out of him. We could have helped him! But now… I can only hope he is somewhere better, and not suffering anymore."

Shuffling closer, Matt placed a gentle hand on Edd's shoulder. "Maybe when someone dies, part of our grief is feeling guilty and wishing we'd done things differently. Even though there's nothing we could have done. Tom did not want to tell us. Even if he'd lived, if he didn't want to share with us what his problems were, there's nothing either of us could do to change that. He had his secrets but he always had good intentions. He may have acted all grumpy and prickly, but deep down inside I know he cared deeply for both of us!" He let out a deep sigh. "You know, I don't think Tom would want either of us to feel guilty over this. He always wanted us to be safe and happy."

"You're right. Things will never be the same here without Tom. And maybe we should stop lamenting his loss and just be happy we had a chance to know him at all - grow up with him, be with him… and love him loads." Edd added softly, holding back tears.

"We'll grieve for him and miss him forever." Matt dipped his head. "But I think Tom would prefer for us to remember him with happiness rather than constant anguish."

Edd blinked. His chest swelled at his friend's wisdom. "Wow, that's… actually really deep, Matt. When did you become an expert on the topic?" He couldn't help but ask.

Matt glanced away shyly. "Eduardo and Mark." He admitted. "They helped me a lot these past few months. They're really nice people, Edd."

"I don't doubt you." Edd breathed a little sigh, his shoulders slumping. "I am truly sorry for the way I've been behaving toward all of you - you most of all, Matt. I let anger and grief change who I am." He gazed helplessly at Matt.

"No, you didn't!" Matt argued. "You came back, after all! In the end, you came around to your senses. You were scared, and just needed a bit of time on your own to process all of that. Once you realized what had happened, you came back to try and fix things. That was being true to yourself, far more than you were when you were hanging around Reagan." His blue gaze softened. "I know you, Edd. You're my friend. Nothing must ever change that."

Edd blinked up at his friend. Despite all his stubbornness and insistence to hang around Reagan, going so far as to excuse even his most suspicious aspects, the Irishman could never share the deep bond he had with Matt and their lost friends. Reagan's solution to everything is to sweep it under the rug and ignore it. Did he really think Reagan could be a permanent replacement for his friends? He was fun, sure, but not exactly the best friend out there. To think, he actually considered changing his life, and for what? To forget the pain that's a normal part of life? For Reagan? How ridiculous is that? He loves adventures! He loves drawing and making art! He loves his friends! Nothing could ever replace any of it.

There can be four again, if given the right chance.

Tom's words from back at the docks resonated within him all of the sudden. Their meaning suddenly crystal clear. At first, Edd had thought it meant for him to leave and start a new life someplace else, and make a new group of friends with Reagan. But now he realized what Tom- no- what he'd been trying to tell himself all this time.

Matt and I… and Eduardo and Mark…!

He suddenly felt more at ease than he had for months. The constricting sensation in his belly seemed to uncurl and release him. Both their groups suffered so much, it only makes sense for them to come together. Sure, he feels a little awkward around the neighbours right now, but if Matt trusts them and is at ease around them then maybe it's just a matter of getting used to them.

He was brought out of his thoughts by Matt shifting beside him, blowing his nose with a tissue. "Thank you for coming back to talk to me. I feel much better now." Matt sniffled, his eyes dark with acceptance. "I guess this is it then, huh? You should probably get going - I'll be okay now."

Edd tipped his head. "Go? You think I'm actually going to leave you after all this?"

Matt's eyes rounded with shock. "You mean… you mean you're not leaving anymore?"

"Oh Matt, this whole time I actually thought the only way I would get better was if I left this place for good. I see now that is no longer the case. Talking to you made me realize just what I've been missing out on. Eduardo and Mark are not our enemies anymore. They're just people dealing with their own loss, the same way we are."

"But what about Reagan? Didn't you take his offer to leave? Won't he be expecting you to follow through now?" Matt pointed out.

He's got a point there. That could be a problem. Edd shook his head. "Reagan is gone. If I change my mind there's nothing he can do to make me go now." At least I hope so. He's no fool; he knows exactly what he signed up for and the deal might not be as easy to back out as he is making it out to be. However, there's no use in letting Matt worry about this. He will find a way around it, somehow. "I was wrong to think I could simply run away from my problems. I don't know what's gonna happen to us in the future, but whatever happens, I don't regret coming back."

Matt's heart soared with hope. "You mean it? You're really going to stay?"

"Of course!" Edd grinned. "You matt-er too much to me."

At the obvious pun, Matt groaned and snorted with laughter. "Gosh, it's been so long since you've made a pun I forgot just how bad they can get." He punched his friend lightly on the shoulder. "That was awful even for you, Edd!"

"Made you laugh, so I win!" Edd replied smugly and winked.

They hugged each other after that. A curious peace fell over the duo, as all the unspoken thoughts of anguish and guilt they both shared were brought out in the open; like lancing an infected wound and watching the poison drain away. Together, their future seems brighter than it has ever been.

(Meanwhile…)

Panting, bleeding, and missing an arm and a leg, Tom struggled helplessly against the cruel barb like vines that tugged him down into the dark mass below, threatening to suck him down into its depths. He tugged, trying in vain to pull out of the tar like substance that consumed him, but it only sucked harder and he sank deeper. He was pulled under. Fighting in vain toward the surface, his heart gripped with panic, the voice echoed throughout Tom's mind, momentarily blocking everything else out.

"You're weak! You don't deserve to keep on existing. You can't even do the one thing you're supposed to do! ~"

He was dragged farther down, his body heavy and sparks of pain igniting ever harsher with every desperate move to stay afloat. Several injuries have been inflicted upon his body, including dismemberment; ranging from deep gashes to impalement. Darkness surrounded him all over. The only indication of where the surface is was the tiny flicker of light shining in the distance like a star, decreasing in size the deeper he descended. Tom reached out for it with his one remaining arm; wishing he could grasp it and pull himself out of his predicament.

His lungs screamed for air - he couldn't breathe. His chest felt tight. His throat sore from all the screaming. Terror scorched through him. He was going to fade away, there in the pitch darkness of the back of his mind. He will be forgotten.

"Useless. Pathetic! A burden that must be dealt with! You won't bother anyone ever again, worm! ~"

All the fight was drained right out of him. Tom was too tired to go on. He lost. He can't avoid this anymore. It's over. He watched as the distant light of reality grew dimmer in the distance. He felt weightless; as if he meant nothing. He could just close his eyes and float off into the abyss, forever drifting away, and watch as something else took control he did not deserve to have.

"Tom?" A voice cut faintly across the veil of shadows.

Who's there? Tom wondered. He knew it wasn't the voice - this one was too soft to be it, and it didn't hurt him.

"Stay with me, Tom." The new voice sounded again, clear and familiar, but Tom couldn't quite place it. "If you can hear me, I need you to come out of whatever trance you're in." Whoever was speaking to him sounded distressed; almost as if Tom actually meant something to them.

The longing that seared through Tom's chest made him ignite with a flicker of hope. Edd? Matt? Are you there? His eyes blinked open, staring upward at the tiny speck of light so far away.

For a moment, the new voice seemed to lift him, calming his panic, and he found that his remaining limbs were churning steadily through the thick darkness. His heart, tight with pain, slowed as he strained to make his way back to the surface. His jaw clenched as waves of pain rolled throughout his body with each movement he made, but he still pressed on.

"Don't resist it, worm. ~" The voice hissed contemptuously not pleased to see him fighting back again. Tom felt a tendril coil around his ankle and tug him back down. "You wouldn't want to make your friends suffer more, do you? Can't you take the hint that nobody wants you around? ~"

His hopes dashed, Tom ceased all movement and went back to floating aimlessly. A spear stabbed into his back and through his chest. Tom let out a strangled shriek of pain. He writhed in discomfort as a second spear stabbed into his side. It was foolish of him to think he could get out of this. It's no use. The voice was far too powerful for him to fight it. Perhaps he should just give in and let the shadows sweep him away into nothingness.

"I'm gonna help you out - just hold on a little bit longer!" The soft voice turned sharp now, like a splash of icy water, and made Tom jolt in alarm. "You held on this far on your own, I need you to keep fighting a little while longer until I figure something out."

Tom's fear of fading away was stronger than his fear of the voice. He is afraid of reality, but he's not ready to let go of it yet. He is terrified of either option - what will become of him if he goes back? He is so scared and uncertain of the future he isn't sure he is good enough to find out. But he can't stand the thought of being helpless and forgotten; turn into a spectator as the voice takes charge of his body. The mere idea hit him like a lightning bolt and Tom began to fight once more.

"No. No! NO! ~"The voice bellowed, making Tom flinch as he waited for some kind of pain to be inflicted on him. Something coiled around him, squeezing him tightly as though he were possessively enclosed in a fist. But other than that, he was not hurt, which made him realize that the voice wasn't addressing him this time around. "He is mine! You can't have him! I've waited too long for this- No! ~"

All of a sudden, Tom found himself being launched forward at full speed toward the surface, heading straight toward the speck of light. He could feel the voice desperately trying to grasp him back, but he barely escaped its reach as he shot away much too fast for it. Next thing he knows, light engulfed his vision for a couple of heartbeats, blinding him, and he took a massive gulp of air as he sat up straight before falling into a harsh coughing fit.

"Tom!"

His eyes adjusted, finding himself back in the laboratory, sitting up on an operating table as spindly robotic appendages whistled around him before retreating to the ceiling. Through a dark haze he blearily saw Tord leaning over him with a worried expression in his one eye. Tom stared at him confused. Was he the one who called out to me? But why?

For his part, Tord's dread and panic was replaced with immense relief to see the eerie purple glow finally leave Tom's eyes. From the moment he brought the Brit to the lab he worked himself tirelessly to try and reverse the effects that had taken hold of him, using all his knowledge of science and the enigmatic serum he created to his advantage. He had tried everything he could, but in the end all it took was a couple doses of the counter agent, which he had invented to soothe some of the serum's more drastic side effects, and a controlled shock to finally get a reaction out of Tom and bring him out of… whatever trance he had going on.

Tom coughed and retched violently, his chest rattling as he struggled for breath. Tord watched as his claws and paws began to sizzle, a thin trail of smoke evaporating from his monstrous attributes as he slowly shifted back to fully human. His tail and horns faded away. His ears and arms returned to their proper length.

Tord stiffened, his heart quickening as black sludge began to spill out from Tom's mouth with every cough. He quickly held up a container close to Tom's face to avoid a mess and collect a sample of the mysterious substance he was secreting.

Almost at once Tom felt his belly give an enormous heave, and he vomited up a lump of sludge and several mouthfuls of slime onto the container. Tom collapsed back to the operation table, too weak to move, and panting for dear life. His breaths coming in and out through tight gasps.

Tord put the container away to analyse for later. Right now he had to make sure Tom is alright and no longer in any pain. Approaching the operation table, he leaned over Tom and placed a hand on his forehead. "Your temperature is still dangerously low." He murmured, his mind going at a hundred miles per hour as he thought of all the ways he could solve this. Gotta handle him gently; vigorous movement could cause cardiac arrest. His clothes are dry, but maybe he'll need layers - I could get his hoodie and maybe lend him my coat. Must keep constant check of his pulse. He is struggling to breathe but it doesn't seem shallow enough to warrant CPR yet. Blankets! He'll need blankets! Paul and Pat surely must have some in their quarters; I can quickly run over and get some. But I don't wanna leave him alone unsupervised, in case…

He was brought out of his train of thoughts by Tom sitting up again and trying to get off the table. He immediately circled his arms around the eyeless man and pulled him back. "Hey hey hey! Easy! Don't try to stand; you need to keep lying down and rest." He cautioned, his voice soft but urgent. "I'm right here, okay? I've got you."

So concerned with taking care of him, it didn't even cross his mind that Tom might be trying to get away from him.

Tom couldn't be more confused and horrified. He heard what he now thinks might have been Tord's voice call out to him just when he was about to be suppressed and taken over, and he has no goddamn idea as to why Tord would do such a thing. Especially in such a desperate tone, too. Even so, he was taken away from the voice's grasp and brought back to reality only to continue with Tord's sick science experiments; and now that the Norsk has knowledge of his condition, no doubt he will use it to manipulate and mock him. Out of the pan, and into the fire…

However, when he felt Tord examine him closely with gentle, capable fingers and distantly heard him asking him questions regarding his wellbeing, Tom snapped out of his daze at once. His training with the voice kicked in. Burden. The word echoed ominously in his head. He can't let anyone worry about him! He's not worth the attention. Whether Tord brought him back just to keep testing, or he is genuinely worried and is trying to help him, Tom let his instincts kick him and he immediately tried to dismiss Tord's concerns.

"I'm- I'm okay. Really. It's nothing." Tom shook his head insistently, trying to push him away. "Nothing's wrong. Please leave me alone. I'm okay."

"You think this is what 'okay' looks like?" Tord scoffed, firmly grabbing one of Tom's arms to display the several scars he had.

Tom gazed into Tord eye, amazed and bewildered by the concern shining back at him from its silver-gray depth. "You're… you're staring at me like you think I'm dying." He looked away, self-consciously.

"You're not?" Tord breathed.

Tom didn't know how to answer that. "In a way." He shrugged.

"What do you mean by that?" Tord pressed.

Tom swallowed, his mouth dry as he contemplated how and whether to answer that. He's not allowed to talk about his condition, no matter how much it's already been revealed. However, the voice was no longer active. It was scrabbling furiously in the very back of his mind, yowling with rage at him for getting out of his punishment and vowing to make him pay once it gained back its strength. Tom dreads having to go through the whole ordeal again; and though a part of him was immensely grateful for being spared that fate for a little while longer, he also kinda resents Tord for interrupting and prolonging his suffering.

"I failed to live up to my promise." Tom explained calmly, his shoulders drooping. "Therefore, I lost the right to remain in control. I've been betrayed by my own mind. In a little while, something else is going to wake up in my body and take charge, and my consciousness will disappear."

Tord reared back in shock. How can Tom speak so casually about this? However, on closer look he noticed that Tom was avoiding eye contact and he was holding back from trembling too much. He's acting as if it doesn't bother him! Tom looked small and frail, his expression giving nothing away, and his skin a sickly pale.

"What was your promise?" Tord prompted softly. Truth be told, part of him dreaded to hear the answer; but he pushed it away in order to get a better understanding of how to help Tom now.

"My… my promise?" Tom echoed blearily, as though he'd already forgotten what they were talking about.

"Yes, Tom. What did you promise?"

A painful wave of sorrow wracked through Tom, his body cramping as he thought of the answer. His jaw clenched. Can he really say it out loud, to Tord no less? The voice is going to repress him regardless, and whatever Tord wants to do with him from then on is not his place to worry about anymore. Even now, if Tord wishes to mock and humiliate him for his pitiful weak state, doesn't he deserve it after everything he's done?

His mouth stayed firmly shut. The voice's willpower stronger than his own; and he turned his head away.

Seeing that Tom wasn't going to respond anytime soon, Tord took the opportunity to rethink things over. He'd come down to the lab levels to apologize and to talk to Tom about what he's been dealing with. But what if Tom refuses? What if the damage is too great to be fixed, and Tom decides he's better off submitting to his terrible fate rather than taking his chances with him? Tord would do everything he can to help him regardless, but if Tom doesn't want his help then…

Be kind and honest. Patrick's words echoed in his head. Tord took a deep breath, and stared down at Tom, his eye glistening.

"I'm sorry, Tom. I am so, so sorry! About this. About everything." He bowed his head low, feeling immensely guilty for how much pain he's caused. "I- I never meant for any of this to happen. The serum should have never found its way to you; and you're right, I was selfish. I cared more for my plans than what could happen to you. I've always have. I never took into consideration how my actions might affect you."

He tensed, waiting for Tom to speak. But Tom remained silent… He risked a quick glance in the eyeless man's direction and noticed him silently observing him. Listening. His dark empty eyes narrowed to slits.

Tord shifted, thinking of what more to say. His heart ached. "I remember all the times that I teased and picked on you, and everyone else would laugh along. I never imagined how much it hurt you. Harming you was never my intention; I was always near-sighted and did not foresee the aftermath of my actions." Emotion thickened his voice, but Tord forced himself to go on. "For every mistake I made, you're the one who paid the price for it. It's not fair. Please, let me help you now."

"Save your pity, Commie." A resentful hiss was dragged out of Tom. "Years of putting up with your sh#t, and now you seriously want me to believe you grew a heart all of the sudden? Give me a break!" Tord flinched at the blaze of anger in his dark eyes. Then Tom relaxed, and the anger melted into a distant look of memory and loss. "You don't know what you're getting involved in. Save yourself the trouble and leave things as they are. It's better off this way; trust me. This-" He gestured to himself. "is a sh#t show. No good can come out of it."

Tord narrowed his eye. He couldn't understand why Tom didn't want to find a way to fix this and was so adamant to refuse help. "Well, I have to do something!" He insisted. "I'm not just going to stand by and watch you destroy yourself, Thomas. There has to be something we can do! We can run more tests; take some time off to look deeper into the serum's effects; maybe we can. . . "

His voice trailed off as he realized Tom wasn't listening. He lay motionless, his eyeless gaze fixed on nothing in particular. "Thomas?"

The Brit looked up at him, his empty eyes bottomless voids of despair. "What's the point?" His voice cracked. "It's clear everyone would be much better off with me gone! I'm useless. I bring nothing but trouble and disaster. All I do is ruin lives, so why keep me around?"

A shudder went through Tord. For a few heartbeats he almost shared his friend's despair.

Tom clenched his eyes shut and sighed. "I… I promised that I would find a way to look after Edd and Matt, no matter what happens to me." He confessed, choking down his emotions from seeping into his voice and keep it as flat as he could. He shouldn't make a big deal out of this, after all. "To always put them first above myself, even if it means ending my own existence for their sake. And to… to kill myself so that I would never hurt anyone ever again…"

Tord stared in disbelief. Though Tom sounds nonchalant for the most part, he could still detect the melancholic air to his words as he spoke. He gulped. He is trying not to show how much this truly upsets him.

"After I realized what was happening to me all those years, and what I've been doing, I swore that I would sooner die than let the monster out again." Tom continued dejectedly. "I wasn't supposed to have made it this far."

"But then… if you wanted to die so badly… why didn't you?" Tord dared to ask, his voice soft. "Surely you must've had plenty of opportunities to do so, if that's your end goal?"

Tom flinched. The voice had asked him the same thing. "I tried…" He looked away in shame. "There were many times where I tried to take that one extra step off the edge of a tall building; or pressed a blade to my wrists. But I couldn't do it. No matter the stakes, I just couldn't bring myself to go through with it. I was scared, and I thought of all the ways Edd and Matt would've reacted if they found my body and…" He trailed off, and blinked back the tears that threatened to spill out. "I decided to stop eating altogether and starve myself to death. It would weaken the monster from coming out again, and give me time to ease myself out of life; say goodbye when the time was right, and do the things that I always wanted until then." His gaze hardened and he glared at Tord. "Until you ruined everything by taking me away! I could no longer starve myself, so my only hope was to have you f#ck up the dissection and kill me like your other test subjects!"

"I was never going to dissect you."

"What?!"

Tord sighed. "Thomas, I have no reason to want to dissect you. My scanners can get all the data that I need without the trouble of cutting you open. With no drugs, no less? Too risky! Dissection was never an option." He ducked his head in embarrassment. "I just said those things to scare you into shifting - I didn't you know that was something you were actively looking forward to!"

Tom's whole posture sagged in defeat as the words sunk in. He felt sick. "So I never had a chance." He let out a bitter chuckle. "My plan was never going to work anyway. F#ck me, I guess..."

"Tom." Tord's voice jerked his thoughts back to the present. "I can only imagine how rough it must've been for you to resort to such drastic measures, but if you let me help you now-"

"What do you see in your future?"

"I'm sorry?" Tord blinked.

"Whenever you think of your future, what do you see?" Tom repeated, his voice cool and flat. He didn't wait for an answer. "If I had to guess, it would probably be visions of glory and grandeur - you, on top of the world with your little army, and all the power imaginable on the palm of your hand. Am I close?" Tom's eyes met Tord's, suddenly clouded with a pain he could not begin to imagine. "You wanna know what I see in my future? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. And that honest to God scares me; not knowing how to proceed or where to put my next step. How can I possibly go on from here, when there's nothing waiting for me beyond this point?"

"But there is!" Tord urged. "You just can't see it yet. You're scared of the future, and that's okay. Your fear just has you blind to new possibilities, that's all. This feeling will pass eventually, and you won't be stuck this way forever."

Once again Tom remembered his training with the voice and the rules he should be following. He was revealing so much about himself - more than he ever had to anyone before, and he was telling all of this to Tord of all people. The voice compels him to hold his tongue. Normally he would be afraid and weary to say so much, as he did not want to burden anyone else with the massive weight of his problems. But it felt good, in a selfish way, to dump all of these feelings on top of the guy who caused most of it. Well, partially, anyway. It's not Tord's fault that Tom is an incompetent waste of air even without the monster. However, part of him was still bothered to be doing this, as Tord appears to be trying to help him by hearing him out. Now whether or not he is actually being sincere and not manipulating him in some way is debatable.

"But there's one thing that I don't understand." Tord went on, struggling to accept that Tom had been ready to give everything up so as to keep himself from hurting others and put an end to his own pain and doubt. "If you were hurting so much… why didn't you ever tell anyone? You kept this a secret even from Matt and Edd. Why? They would have tried to help you, I'm sure."

"And tell them, what, exactly?" Tom snorted ruefully. ""Hey, guys! Funny fact about me; I can turn into a horrible rampaging monster and have absolutely no control over myself! I may also be killing people in my spare time. Gross, am I right? I can't feel any emotions and I've resorted to hurting myself in order to feel things again, and this entire time you saw me laugh with you was all a big ruse! I can't sleep because every time that I do I get awful nightmares about the things I've been doing! I may also be having a little bit of a self-esteem issue, so if you guys could help me with those, that would be great. No pressure!" Should I have done that, and then lose them for good? They would have thrown me out if they found out the truth about me! And I don't blame them; I am too dangerous to keep around, and I've already caused them so much trouble, another ton of problems to add to the plate would've definitely been the last drop for them. How can I expect help when I don't give anything meaningful to them in return?" He shook his head sadly. "And even if they did understand, what could they have done for me? They can't possibly stop a giant monster from going berserk! They can't change the way I feel! What are they supposed to do? I know that if that were the case, where they understand and want to help me, they would still have tried their hardest to make me feel comfortable and welcomed, but I would have just been a burden with no solution bearing down on them. No, Tord, I would never risk either outcome. I care too much about them to lose them or put them through a problem they cannot do anything about." Tom bowed his head; his voice scarcely audible. "Even if I was nothing more than just an alcoholic nuisance to them, they still mean everything to me and I wanted to keep them close before my time came."

"And you've been trying to deal with this all by yourself?" Tord blinked at the sharpness of pain he felt in sympathy. How hard it must have been for Tom to keep his pain a secret from everyone; always putting on an act because he thought he didn't deserve to be helped, constantly afraid of what others might think if they ever found out what he'd done or what he planned to accomplish.

"It's for the best." Tom's whole body trembled, and Tord could tell that confessing to this dark secret was causing him more pain than shifting into a monster.

"Not to you, it isn't."

"Tord, I don't need you to tell me how difficult or immoral my idea may seem. I lay awake for many restless nights, deciding what the right course of action would be. What was best for my friends… what was best for everyone… and what's best for me… I guess you'll never understand. You don't know the first thing about putting others above yourself."

"But at the cost of your own life?" Tord flashed.

"Why do you care so much, anyway?" Tom asked, voicing his doubts in a cynical and accusing tone. "Oh, that's right! I am your little science experiment, and that's all I'm worth to you, apparently. Don't come to me now and pretend I matter to you in any way more than just that – a super weapon, at most! But you don't actually care for what happens to me, you just don't want to lose your best bet of conquering the world!" He held Tord's gaze, challenging the Norsk to contradict him now and prove him wrong. "If you wait a little while, who knows? You might actually like the "new and improved" me."

"Out of the question! No!" Tord could not keep the note of disbelief out of his voice.

"Then why? Why does it matter what happens to me?"

"Because I-"

Tord's stopped himself short before the words could leave his mouth. He paused, and took one long good look at Tom; taking in the rigid defensive stance of his shoulders contrasting against his lowered gaze and bowed head of defeat, his body trembling from cold and stress of the situation. A rush of warmth and affection for the eyeless man scorched through his skin and veins, igniting the love he once felt for Tom and tried so hard to extinguish for as long as he can remember. He embraced it now. But for as much as he wants to assure Tom that he cares for him immensely and doesn't want to lose him in any way, shape, or form; he sensed that confessing his feelings to him now wouldn't be a good idea. It doesn't seem appropriate for the situation.

This isn't the time for a love confession. He thought. Tom is hurting, and he needs support - not some dramatic reveal that might stress him out more. Besides, Tord highly doubts that Tom would choose to stay alive just for him.

Tord swallowed. "Because I care for you. I've always have."

The eyeless man made a curious rasping noise in his throat, like a terrible attempt at laughter. "Yeah, right! You have a funny way of showing it, Commie. Could definitely tell how much you "care" from all the times we fought."

"But I do!" Tord leaned closer. He reached out tentatively and brushed his hand with his robotic one. Tom didn't pull away. "I never stopped caring about you. Even at our worst encounters, a part of me always cared for you. But ever since the day I first turned my back on you I couldn't accept the thought of losing you, so I always harassed you instead. I-" His voice wavered and he had to recollect himself to continue. His gaze clouded. "I made a huge mistake with you. I let you down when you needed me, and then made you pay the price for it. But please believe me now when I tell you that none of this is your fault, Thomas. These feelings of worthlessness you have, and the monster's actions - none of it are worth throwing your life away for!"

Tom listened, observing him wearily as he processed the Norwegian man's words of regret. A part of Tom longed to believe and trust in him, but how can he? Especially considering he's not supposed to accept any help to begin with!

His eyes clenched shut and he turned his head away miserably, unable to stare at Tord any longer. "You still don't get it, do you? This isn't about me!" He hissed, despair vibrated in his voice. "It's about what I've been doing and what I'll keep doing if I don't put an end to this. Causing people problems and ruining their lives is all I'm good for! If I were a stronger person maybe I could've have better control over the monster, but I'm not! Anyone more worthwhile and capable would have no problem if they were in my place, but because I am weak I don't get to have any control. Ten years with this condition and all I've accomplished was how to avoid shifting." The words rushed from Tom so fast it surprised even him.

"How can you be so sure of that? None of the other test subjects survived long enough to evenhavea chance of being in control!" Tord pointed out.

"That just makes me even more messed up! Face it, Commie; my list of cons far surpasses my pros. Do the math! Keeping me alive just isn't worth all the trouble." Tom snarled. He raised his head, locking his gaze with Tord's to stare at him hollow-eyed.

"I have to die." The words caught in Tom's throat.

Tord's heart pounded in his throat, the blood roaring in his ears so loudly he thought he might go deaf. He bent his head, his mouth dry. "I don't believe you. I refuse to believe that's your only option." He murmured. "I think you're afraid, more than anything. I think you have good intentions at heart, but this isn't the right way to go about this. You're scared of letting others down; of admitting that you need help and can't handle this on your own. That you might become a burden. You feel responsible for others even when it's out of your control. Fear. Fear is what is driving you to think this harshly about yourself."

Grief swamped over Tom's chest as he listened, and he bit back a sob.

"It's okay to be afraid, Tom, but please don't let it take over your life this way. You're so much more than just a pile of problems." Tord continued more softly, but his voice was full of conviction. "You're… a good friend. Perhaps the greatest friend anyone could have ever asked for. Loyal until the very end. Reliable. Brave. And above all, selfless. I was a fool to have thrown all that away for my ambition."

Tom shook his head doubtfully. A few encouraging words against a decade of self-loathing and mental torture… what would the voice say?

Tord could glimpse Tom's hope trying to stamp out his fears as he spoke. "Please, let me make it up to you now and help you through this-"

"But I don't trust you."

Tord winced. Can't say I blame him. "And you have every reason not to. But I want to do this for you, Tom. I want to help you get better and show you that dying isn't the answer." Unexpectedly, he put his robotic arm around Tom's shoulders and pulled him closer.

"I don't want help your help. I just want the pain to stop." Tom's empty eyes were wide and a little blurry, like he was holding back tears.

"That's why I don't think you mean it when you said you want to die." Tord whispered. "I think you want to stop feeling the way you do, more than anything. But you don't really want to go through with your plan. If you could live your life normally, without fear of hurting people, would you still want to do this?"

Tom gave him a long, hopeless stare. "You're right. I don't want to die… but what other choice do I have?"

Tord rested his hand on the Brit's shoulder, in a vain attempt to comfort him. With a broken sob, Tom buried his face into Tord's chest and clung on to him. Tord stiffened for a split second at the unpredicted action before relaxing, feeling his throat tighten to see Tom be so miserable. They haven't been the best of friends, not in quite a while at least, but they were brought close together by their shared grief.

Tord leaned closer to Tom, wrapping his arms around the crying man; lending him his warmth and feeling him tremble against him from more than cold. He rubbed small circles on his back to help soothe him.

After a moment Tom spoke, his words muffled by Tord's uniform. "Don't you have important leader things to do?"

Yes. Tord thought. But that's not important right now. "There's plenty of time for that later." He murmured. "I'll stay with you for as long as you need."

Tears freely ran down Tom's face as he sought comfort from the man he is supposed to hate. He leaned into him, appreciating the warmth the Norsk provided, and soaking his clothes with his tears. Tord was murmuring reassurances over his head, and Tom let himself get lost in the contact.

"Shhh, It's alright, Tom. You won't have to die. We'll figure this out, I promise."