The Cogitative Warrior

It was an early evening, but it has already gotten dark. The tavern in a poor part of the E-Rantel city was in an uproar of feasting people. Meanwhile at one of the tables in the corner of a hall, a well-built man sipped his beer alone in silence. Dressed in an unique set of leather armor and with a longsword strapped to his belt, chap visibly tried to meditate on something.

"Damn! It's too loud here, I can't think!" - he couldn't stand it, got up, threw a few copper coins on the table and got out of there, hearing people speak to him things like: "What's wrong with you!", "Bad day, eh." or "Wait, you son of the bitch, you've just jostled me and made me spill my drink!", but it didn't concern him.

'How did this happen? What went wrong? I've been here for almost a week and it looks like I'm stuck. I thought that it'd end, that they'll fix it, but I'll probably have to live in this primitive world, where it's hard to find a decent bathhouse and it reeks everywhere' - Herbert thought while walking down the street until he reached the cemetery. There it was quiet and still. He could walk between the tombstones without getting distracted.

'Maybe I have to analyse what happened from the start? If I sort it all out, I may reach some kind of conclusion. Ok! Firstly I took care of the stupid knights in the village and claimed my reward. Yeah, fine, the old man may have kicked the bucket because of my skill, but how could I know that it would affect everyone?' - in that moment he kicked the tombstone, separating half of it from the rest.

"Great, I gathered prizes, took the wounded girl with her little sister. Got on the cartload and let's go. Bye bye peasants! I made them think that I'm taking her to the healer, but she might not make it so I put some junky ring of regeneration on her finger. Didn't expect that it'd momentarily get that cut look like it wasn't even there. People here must be fairly weak or the items work in a different way. Nevermind. Later I came across the jumble of these bumpkin warriors. They were supposed to save the situation, but they were a little bit late. I told them, that I took care of those guys and if they didn't believe me, they could check it by themselves. So they went." - the warrior drew the longsword out of the scabbard and started to perform training swings.

"Ah Enri, the sweetest girl, she was surprised when I told her what has happened, but she believed me. That night, I did it here for the first time as well as she. We had to move away form the campfire so as the little girl wouldn't put two and two together. Even though I worked hard on the foreplay, it hurt her and she cried a little. Well, I guess it's normal, but later it was only getting better, until those stupid, little shits, goblins attacked. What was I thinking? Of course she'd get a little mad for me literally kicking their asses, while we were still as one and she had to hang on me tight. Yep, it might have been a bit too hardcore for a first time, but she'll have something to remember. Ryehehehe!" - with these memories it has gotten quite cramped in his pants.

"At last we reached this city. Aaand, right, a queue to the entrance. I managed to push up front, albeit the girls seemed to be embarrassed with my behaviour, causing trouble for others. I understand those ordinary people, but Herbert the Great should be served out of turn! They ordered me to go at the end, fucking bureaucracy..." - he split the statue of some goddess, which stood by the well-kept tomb, in half.

"Haa! I think I made a right decision to live off the money I got here for selling my cargo from the village. I guess it saves a lot of trouble I could get in for pulling things out of my hidden chest. I learned a lot about this country and it was even quite nice for a few days. Until that whipster, Nfirea returned to town. He came back with some pretty damn bad news. I don't know where he's gotten it, but he told that the forces of Baharuth Empire destroyed Carne village, and that warrior captain Gazeff Stronoff was killed in battle. Beautiful bitch beautiful! Enri, my precious little thing, left me claiming that I tricked her, even though she saw all of this equipment I had! What's more she went to that wimp, who almost pissed himself, when I looked at him!" - he started to torment another tombstone.

"Tell me how to live!? I thought I'll be an adventurer: easy job, good revenue, could get fame. In your face! They wouldn't give me the best category for start, hell even golden one! No, I didn't even get a copper one, cause they have this fucking literacy test! Who the fuck invented these stupid signs! I won't learn these scribbles for shit! How to live!? Maybe you'll tell me, you perverted stalker, eh? I know you're looking at me! You think it's funny!?" - Herbert turned around to face a person in a hooded mantle.

"Ahahahaha! Who in their right mind comes to a place like this, when it's dark a thinks aloud? Are you an idiot or something? - responded a woman with a hint of insanity in her voice.

"You tell me. I figured I could grumble a little to some stranger and you were listening so passionately. Was it interesting?"

"Oh yes! Shouts of a desperate loser of a man are very funny. It's a shame you're not an adventurer, I'd get a new plate in my collection."

"Don't joke around, woman. You'd better take off that hood and show your face. Based on it, I'll decide whether to slice you up or do something else..."

The young woman took of her mantle, revealing her trained body clad in a light armor made from the same kind of medals adventurers wear around their necks. Blond-haired rogue made a wry face.

"You have the nerve to threaten this Clementine! Me, who have gone beyond mortal limits and stepped into the ranks of heroes! I'll kill you!" - she responded with taking out the weirdly shaped daggers.

"Oi! Don't be so quick! I've decided that there's no need for violence. Instead of fighting like some idiots, we could bang. How about it? I'd like to taste your ripe clementines and in turn, you could taste my banana. What say you?" - he winked at her encouragingly.

"Ahaha! Ahahaha! You're a funny fellow. Are you for real!? You know what? I like to cut people. I gets me going. If a man can't satisfy me, I cut off his gear." - Clementine laughed maniacally and licked her stiletto suggestively.

"Crazy bitch! So you like this type of play. No risk, no fun, eh... Ok! I'm alright with it!" - he took a few steps towards her, slowly closing the distance.

"What!? Are you stupid!? Don't think I'm offering, you're not my type!" - she took a step back.

"Don't lie. I know you were ogling me. You like this glorious body and handsome face of mine. I know you want me. I can see it in your eyes." - again he came closer.

"In your dreams! Well, maybe if you didn't make that awful grin. It's disgusting."

"Oh don't be like that, it'll be fun and we'll get to know each other better. I assure you, there's no man as good as me."

Clementine again gave a horny warrior a once-over. She smiled to herself, smacked her lips and hid her daggers. In that instant he leapt to her and kissed her on the lips. She didn't like to pass the initiative as it was always her on the attack so she bit him. It was strange, she was sure she did it hard enough to rip the delicate skin of his lower lip and spill some blood, but he wasn't wounded.

"Not so fast! Follow me, you idiot." - blonde woman turned around and waved her hand in a sign to go after her deeper into the graveyard.

Authors note: As you can see, I have little time to write, so updates are slow. I'm not sure whether anyone's actually reading this garbage story with a jerk as protagonist. If you do, tell me what you think and what you'd like to be improved, I'll try.