Hey. Remember me? Yeah, I live. I know, it's a shock after all this time. I've learned recently that I am incredibly slow when it comes to writing anymore. Sorry about that.

Anyways, this was just a fun oneshot that... I... honestly don't know how I thought of. Really, I don't have any idea how this happened; it just did, and except for one particularly irritating writer's block I came to, I had an absolute blast writing it. Hope you guys have as much fun reading it! The inspiration can be found by searching for PFUDOR on youtube. Watch it. Trust me. It'll make as much sense as it's going to ;P

Also, I'd like to say real quick that, unless otherwise stated, Cloud is a cadet rather than an infantryman in all of my FFVII fanfics. Okay? Okay.

Sunlight, pure and bright, shone in through the window of the apartment, casting a cheery yellow glow on everything within it. The light traveled through the room as the sun rose higher in the sky, glinting off the sword, pauldrons, and materia scattered on the floor, warming up the messy piles of black clothing, and at last coming to rest on the lump under the tangled blankets and sheets. Though the being within the nest of cloth could usually not be woken by anything short of an all-out assault by the Wutaians or a bucket of cold water, the sun's warm rays did the trick on this morning, and within moments of feeling the pleasant heat, a spiky black head emerged from the cocoon, followed shortly by the rest of SOLDIER Second Class Zack Fair. He pulled himself up from his face-down position and put his arms up over his head, stretching out his lean form and yawning as he basked luxuriantly in the light. A dog-like shake and a leap later, Zack stood in front of the window, drinking in more of the sun's warmth and fighting a smirk at the attention he was getting from the street below - a shirtless SOLDIER always did draw a crowd.

As he stood there, smiling at the blue sky and the pretty girls gathering under his window, a new beam of light shot into the room and hit a white, shiny crystal thing he'd picked up in a cave on a past mission, thinking that Aerith might like it. He'd never gotten around to giving it to her, though, and he had never been happier of that fact than he was when that light shone through it, bringing to life a rainbow that danced along the walls of his bedroom. Though he had already been wearing a grin, Zack's face lit up, and he gasped excitedly as an idea popped into existence in his brain. He had known upon waking that the day was going to be good for something, but he hadn't imagined it would be this good! In an instant he was diving into his closet, tossing things out as he searched for a few particular items. Where was that bolt of fabric...?

~.~.~.~

Sephiroth woke at exactly six AM when his alarm sounded. The sun had not yet thought to make an appearance, which was more than fine with him. The great general pointedly did not yawn as he sat up and calmly pressed the button on his PHS that would silence the monotone beeping. He also did not allow himself to think about falling backwards into his warm blankets and pulling up them over his silver head as he rose from the mattress and walked, not stumbled, into the bathroom for his cold morning shower. By seven AM, Sephiroth was showered, dressed, and walking out the door to go to his office - after dropping by the Turks' floor to steal a few glazed donuts for breakfast, or course, as per his usual routine. And after he'd stolen the entire pot of coffee from Tseng's office. Paperwork wasn't to be looked at, nor even thought of, before he'd had enough sugar and caffeine to make another man feel capable of jumping to the moon. At 7:55, Sephiroth stepped into his office, placed Masamune on its wall mount, straightened the mountains of paper on his desk, and sat down. At precisely eight AM, he began to write.

It was currently 11:42 AM. Sephiroth had not moved, save to place the completed papers in the outbox and pull another one off the top of the western-most mountain. As he did so, there was a sudden BANG! from outside his office. Sephiroth closed his eyes briefly, pinching the bridge of his nose with his right hand and sighing. Enter Zack, he thought dully, just as the door opened and the familiar black blur flew into the room, landing in front of his desk. A moment passed in an unusual silence, the only sound the scratching of Sephiroth's pen against the paper. Then Zack moved, and something colorful began to unfurl from his position. It appeared to be fabric of some sort, when Sephiroth glanced surreptitiously at it, and was unrolling itself in an unnaturally circular pattern around the desk. It came to a stop where Sephiroth knew Zack to be crouching, and though he wondered vaugely how he had made it form a circle without guiding it, he was more concerned with the fact that it was designed like a rainbow. What is he doing now?

Holding onto a foolish hope that maybe, if he failed to react, Zack would lose interest and go away, Sephiroth did not spare the rainbow fabric another glance and simply kept working on the mission report in front of him. Another minute went by with no activity from the Second, and a tiny bubble of hope formed within Sephiroth's heart. It was popped mercilessly when a gray object was suddenly placed on the edge of the desk and pushed slowly toward the center. It was a PHS, flipped open to reveal a background of chocobos. Harmless enough, he decided, focusing on the paper once more. At least it's not a Minimized Tonberry again.

Zack's hand made another appearance before the minute was out, creeping upwards and toward the phone, which he pressed a button on. Instantly, music began to pour from its speakers, a guitar, or perhaps a ukelele, being strummed in a cheery and upbeat manner. After the first ten seconds, a xylophone began to play along, chiming a cute and happy melody. Sephiroth considered throwing the PHS out the window. The xylophone went on uninterrupted for six seconds. Then, Zack launched himself up from the floor and began his performance. Sephiroth blinked. Blinked again. And wished to the Planet that something would fall through the ceiling and knock Zack out before he took matters into his own hands.

The Second Class SOLDIER had covered himself with some sort of fuzz - the round, fuzzy balls that children often made crafts out of, Sephiroth guessed, though how Zack managed to find and glue so many of the pastel pink things to himself, he had no idea. On his head was a horn, clearly once belonging to a juvenile Dual Horn, that had been painted pink and glued to a headband of the same shade. Sephiroth wondered briefly how the younger man was capable of being so morbidly cheerful. Adorned thusly, Zack began to prance - yes, prance - around Sephiroth and his desk, staying on the rainbow fabric as he skipped along. All this, the silver-haired swordsman most likely could have handled, even with the music coming from the phone. The factor that pushed him over the edge of tolerance, however, was the singing. As Zack hopped about the office, he was, with a blissful expression on his face, belting out the apparent lyrics to the song playing on the PHS.

"PINK FLUFFY UNICORNS DANCING ON RAINBOWS! PINK FLUFFY UNICORNS, DANCING ON RAINBOWS! PINK FLUFFY UNICORNS DANCING ON RAINBOWS! PINK FLUFFY UNICORNS, DANCING ON RAINBOWS!"

Sephiroth's eye twitched from the sight of Zack pink and fluffy. Sephiroth's ears burned, throbbing painfully from the sound of Zack's 'singing'. Sephiroth's fingers itched, longing to hold the hilt of Masamune. Any more of this and someone was going to die. He began to stand up and retrieve his sword, and just put an end to it, but the thought of Angeal's disappointment if he were to find his student dead stilled him, and he drew in a deep breath. Perhaps Zack could be reasoned with.

"Zack," he said.

"PINK FLUFFY UNIC-"

"Zack," he tried again, raising his voice a bit.

"-ANCING ON RAINB-"

"Zack!" he shouted.

"-INK FLUFFY UNICORNS DANC-"

"Zackary!"

"RAINBOWS!"

"Zack Fair!"

"FLUFFY UNICORNS!"

"Lieutenant!"

"ON RAINBOWS!"

Enough! Sephiroth slammed his hands down the surface of his desk. "LIEUTENANT ZACKARY FAIR!"

Blinking in surprise, Zack actually stopped bouncing on his rainbow path and turned to look at him. "What's up, Seph?" he asked, blinking innocently. The instrumental music played on from the PHS, no doubt distracting Zack from the severity of the situation.

"You have ten seconds," Sephiroth declared in as dark a voice as he could muster with that infernally happy song going.

"To shut up?" Zack asked, cocking his head to the side and looking very like the puppy Angeal had labeled him as. ...If someone had decided to play a bad game of dress-up with their puppy, of course.

Sephiroth narrowed his mako-green eyes. "To get a head start," he rumbled, and Zack's eyes went wide, his mouth falling open.

"Aw, come on, man! It was just-"

"Ten," Sephiroth proclaimed, striding across the room to Masamune.

"What?!" Zack yelped, jumping back towards the door. "It was just for fun, man!"

"Nine," he continued unaffectedly, taking the sword into his hands almost reverently.

Zack squeaked again and bolted from the room, almost running into the wall in his haste. Sephiroth drew the odachi out of its sheath, drumming the fingers of his right hand against the wall nearest him as he proceeded with the promised countdown. Eight seconds had never seemed so long, but, at last, they were up, and Sephiroth tore out his office, leaping over the rainbow path so as not to get tangled up in it, his sights set for Angeal's office on the other side of the building. The black-haired SOLDIER wasn't hard to track; he left a trail of destruction in his wake that Genesis would have envied, which was, as Angeal sometimes remarked, saying something. Complete with fire, the General thought idly as he dashed through the secretaries' workspace and noted them shrieking and scrambling to put out what was seemingly a small bonfire. On these painfully frequent chases he participated in, Zack had a tendency to dump his item stock so as to lighten himself and move faster, and while there were some... interesting articles he occasionally had to dodge, most of them didn't cause the office cat to spontaneously combust. His decency took a moment inform him that he should drop this idiotic waste of time and help Rat Cat, if not the women trying to put him out, but chasing Zack was just so gratifying...

It was a strange predicament Tseng was faced with later that day, for once in his life at a loss for words as he stood beside Veld and shook his head, mouth hanging open in supreme confusion. Most of the other Turks stood in a line beside him in various states of disbelief and/or muted hysterics - Reno, ever adaptable, had cheerfully begun the task of thawing out the telecommunications room, starting with the evil orange cat that stalked the office (which he promptly lobbed at a bemused Veld) and quickly moving on to the secretaries. Under the thick sheets of ice, their faces contorted in anger that was completely wasted on the red-head, who had the nerve to whistle a jaunty tune as he went about melting said ice with a brand new Fire materia he'd put in his bracer, somehow managing to grin and whistle at the same time. Tseng glanced at Veld for direction, but the older Turk just shrugged, soundlessly stroking the shivering cat as Reno continued to fondle the secretary's ice-covered chest.

The Firsts looked up as the door slammed into the wall with enough force to send the tacky pictures off the walls and the tacky and bizarre knick-knacks off the desk, leaving them all to mingle in the floor. "You brute. That was my favorite can-opener you just broke," Genesis drawled, peering over the darkly stained desk to see how many of his decorations would need replacing. Meanwhile, Sephiroth (who was, impossibly, actually darkening the doorway with his palpable fury) found himself fighting the urge to slice Genesis to ribbons as an appetizer - Zack naturally being the main course - and when he realized that he was losing, he loosened his grip on Masamune's hilt, allowing the sword to fall into the plush carpet that covered the floor of the office. Trembling with undiminished rage, the Silver General walked stiffly into the room, vaguely pleased that the door still shut, and plopped ungracefully into the chair beside Angeal. His friends each sent him a concerned look, but he failed to notice, his vision impaired by the hard surface of the desk he'd slammed his face into. It wasn't until Genesis spoke some variation of 'What the heck is wrong with you?' that he actually looked at either of them.

"Pink," Sephiroth growled.

"Fluffy?" Angeal sighed, propping his elbow on his end of the desk and leaning his cheek against his fist.

"Unicorns," he snarled in affirmation.

"Dancing on rainbows," Genesis spoke up knowingly, crossing his arms over his chest after flipping his hair with his right hand. "We've been hearing it on and off for the past few weeks."

"How have you not cast Firaga on him yet?" Sephiroth demanded, and Genesis made a decidedly displeased face.

"The President and other board members have decreed that I am no longer allowed to fry cadets without a good reason. Going through the ones Zack has taken to using as shields mournfully doesn't qualify." Again, the silver-haired man missed the expressions on their faces, having put his hands on the desk before dropping his head to it once more. The darkness provided by his hands was welcome, as it seemed to stave off the monumental headache Zack always seemed to cause him.

"Out of curiosity, why would you come here?" Angeal asked a moment later, attempting to see something of his friend's face through the black gloves and silver curtain. "Why wouldn't you check my office first?" A groan that sounded like a distant cousin of language was his response. "Ah, you already did?" Confirmation sounded miserable and irritated. Angeal shot Genesis a harsh glare over the desk, seeing that the poet was about ten seconds from bursting into undignified laughter. "Well, have you tried the barracks? He's been going down there to spend time with his chocobo lately."

Sephiroth raised his head slowly, turning what was possibly the most befuddled expression he'd ever worn on the black-haired SOLDIER. "Zack has a chocobo in the barracks?" Genesis lost it, slumping down in his chair as he howled. Angeal reached his foot under the desk and kicked said chair, sending him sprawling into the floor, and while it failed to shut him up - in fact, he seemed to laugh harder - it did bring a slight smile to Sephiroth's face, which pleased him.

"No," he explained loudly, "he's friends with a cadet whose hair looks like a chocobo's crest, so that's what everyone calls him." Sephiroth nodded in understanding and replied, "I think I know the one. Strife, isn't that his name?"

Genesis's face appeared by Angeal's elbow, and he slung his arms up on the desk to place his chin on. "Cloud Strife," he confirmed. "Despite his tendency to panic like the chocobo everyone calls him, the kid's actually not half bad. He's green, of course, but his swordwork is excellent even so, and he has an unbelievable natural affinity for materia." The red-clad SOLDIER hummed thoughtfully. "Hand him a manufactured piece and he's clueless, but give him a naturally formed materia and he can tell you what kind it is and how leveled up it is, and, because as you know I always make an appearance at the cadet's first lesson to see if there are any prospects, I was there to personally hand him my Bolt and see him cast a third-tier spell with it," he proclaimed, finally standing up. "And no one died. Not one cadet or instructor, and even though he couldn't cast anything else afterwards, the fact remains that he used my own mastered materia and everyone lived."

Sephiroth looked skeptical, but Angeal nodded slowly as Genesis returned to his chair. "I've seen him sparring with Zack lately, and like Gen said, his swordwork is something else. I've almost considered trying to take him on as a second apprentice - if he had some real training instead of that pointless crap the cadets get, he'd be a force to be reckoned with."

Genesis frowned when the word 'apprentice' was said, and opened his mouth to speak, but at the strange sound that came from Sephiroth's direction, the two of them glanced up to see him hiding his face again, this time in... embarrassment? "You ate the Turks' donuts for breakfast again, didn't you?" Angeal demanded, and recieved a nod. The largest SOLDIER pushed himself out of the squishy armchair and walked over to Sephiroth's discarded blade, placing it on Genesis's spare mount, then took hold of both of his friends and proceeded to steer them out the door. "Wh-" one of them tried, but he overrode them without even looking to see which one had asked. "We," he said emphatically," are going to lunch, and if the board doesn't like it, they can just try and stop us." However, as he predicted, no one they passed seemed inclined to do any such thing.

~.~.~.~

It was still dark out as usual when Sephiroth woke, though that was the only thing about his morning that followed the plan. There was supposed to be a quiet but insistent beeping to coax him into consciousness before getting up to go through his routine, hence there was not supposed to be a obscenely loud chorus of 'Pink Fluffy Unicorns Dancing On Rainbows' shrieking from the phone's speaker and startling him into wakefulness. This unpleasant development was made worse by the fact that, in his flailing attempts to reach the device, the general had managed to get tangled up in his blankets, and when he realized it would make more sense to get out of bed and walk to the table on which it lay, said blankets wrapped around his legs and tripped him, causing him to fall face-first into the floor. An unholy sound ripped from Sephiroth's throat as he clawed his way up to a standing position and simply stood there for a moment, breathing heavily, the silenced phone displaying a chocobo background held loosely in his right hand.

Screw Angeal's feelings.

Zack Fair was going to die.

~.~.~.~

The door did not slam against the wall, though Sephiroth would have dearly liked to make it do so. He refrained, as the portion of his brain not overcome with fury kept telling him that stealth was the way to go. As such, he opened Zack's bedroom door softly, mako-bright eyes zeroing in on the misshapen lump under the covers, and crept inside, taking care not to make any sound. It was difficult considering all the obstacles in the Second's floor, but quite possible, and he arrived at his destination without incident. Unfortunately, there was no way to unsheathe Masamune without there being some noise, so he opted to draw the sword after he'd scared the lower class SOLDIER half to death to add emphasis to his threats. He waited for only a few more seconds, reflecting on how deeply he was going to enjoy this, before ripping the bedclothes away from the figure beneath them - and paused, bemused, when he found not Zack but a chocobo cowering there.

No, not a chocobo, he realized as the blonde began to shriek in terror. This must be that cadet Genesis and Angeal were talking about. I have to hand it to Zack; he's clearly smarter than I gave him credit for if he blackmailed this boy into taking his place. He snapped out of his thoughts and back to reality when the cadet's screams changed from wordless warbles to words filled with rage.

"ZAAAACK! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU SO BAD! WHEN HE KILLS ME AND THEY SEND WHAT'S LEFT OF ME HOME IN A MATCHBOX, YOU ARE GONNA HAVE TO GO INTO MY HOUSE AND TELL MY MOTHER HOW YOU GOT ME MURDERED OVER A STUPID PRANK, AND THEN I'M GONNA COME BACK AS A GHOST AND HAUNT YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIIIIIFE!"

Sephiroth's lips twitched upwards into something that was almost a smile. It was gratifying to see someone else angry with Zack for once. All traces of amusement vanished from his face as he caught a flash of movement out of the corner of his eye, casting a Stop spell on the source before he'd even turned around to see what it was. When he did, he was maliciously pleased to see that it was Zack himself, struggling to free himself from the spell, which had frozen his body from the neck down - a happy accident, Sephiroth decided, as what he had in mind for the Second would work very well with that. His emotions showed very clearly on his face, and it was clear that Zack would have backed away were he able. As it stood, he was forced to watch with growing horror as Sephiroth approached, taking deliberately slow steps toward him.

"Good morning, Lieutenant," he said in a deceivingly calm tone. Zack gulped.

"H-Hey, Seph! Fancy meeting you here! What brings you to my neck of the woods?" He flinched before realizing that Sephiroth was not preparing to run him through, but was holding something out to him.

"I believe this is your PHS," the general said, and Zack grimaced, but nodded his confirmation. "What have you done with mine?" he demanded. Before he could answer, Cloud, who had been quite forgotten, spoke up from behind them.

"H-here, s-s-sir," he stammered, crawling off the bed to give the phone back to its rightful owner. Sephiroth glanced down at him, saying nothing when he took the proffered item, as he thought receiving a 'thank you' from him might make the cadet pass out. Instead, he turned back to face Zack, smirking evilly as he took hold of the Second's hand and posed his fingers to hold his PHS.

"What are you gonna do with that?" 'the puppy' asked, completely lost - until, at Sephiroth's keyed in command, the phone began to emit the selfsame beep that served as the general's morning alarm. Pocketing Zack's phone, the swordsman turned to exit the room. "Wait, so you're just gonna leave me stuck here to listen to this beepy noise until the spell wears off?!" Zack yelped indignantly.

"Yes," Sephiroth called back smoothly. "And you should count yourself lucky that's all you have to suffer - I came here with every intent to kill you. Enjoy your morning, Zack." So saying, he swept out, ignoring the cry that declared this to be 'cruel and unusual punishment', gesturing for the cadet to follow him before he kicked the door shut. Through said door, they could hear Zack beginning to sing his blasted unicorn song in an attempt to drown out the beeping. Sephiroth chuckled darkly, feeling quite proud of himself. Belatedly, he saw the blonde pale at the evil laughter, and decided he should make up for it.

"Aren't you Strife?" he asked despite knowing the answer.

If possible, the boy's face blanched further, but he still snapped a salute. "Y-yes, sir, Cadet Cloud Strife!"

He nodded, waving at him to be at ease, and the child only partially obeyed, standing with his back ramrod straight and his arms straight at his sides; still, at least he wasn't saluting. "Well, Cadet Strife, I don't know about you, but I have not had nearly enough caffeine to function in society this morning. As such, I am going out to get breakfast. Are you coming?"

Now he looked like he was going to faint. "S-sir?"

"Breakfast, Strife. I am inviting you to join me for breakfast. Are you coming or not?" He didn't give him time to answer, striding off down the hall and glancing back once to see if he was following (he was, dazedly) before pulling Zack's PHS out of his pocket and scrolling through the bizarre list of contacts until he reached Angeal's name. He pressed the call button and held the device up to his face, waiting patiently for the other warrior to pick up.

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ri- "What now, puppy? I swear, Zack, if you brought home another monster and hid it in your closet only to find that it's mutated from the food you've given it-!"

"It's me," he interrupted, shoving that rant into his mental strongbox of things never to think about again.

"...Sephiroth?" Angeal asked slowly, an apprehensive edge to his voice. "Why do you have Zack's phone?" He opened his mouth to answer, but was cut off. "Is he dead...?"

"No," he assured his friend - or tried to; he couldn't help snickering, which panicked Angeal and made Cloud's footsteps falter.

"What did you-?!"

"Honestly, he's fine. He may wish he were dead, but he isn't."

Again, Angeal's question was slow and suspicious. "Why would he wish he were dead?"

Sephiroth allowed himself a manic smile, given that neither Cloud nor Angeal could see him. "I've solved our unicorn problem," he said, and left his explanation at that. "Would you call Genesis? I don't much like the idea of waking him up from Zack's number."

"Sure," the bulky SOLDIER answered with a sigh. "Why?"

"I'd like you both to meet me for breakfast; I'm buying."

"...Wow, really? Okay. Thanks, Sephiroth. Yeah, I'll call him."

"Good. Thank you, Angeal. Oh, and I'm bringing Strife with me, so you'll both get the chance to speak to him."

Angeal went silent for a moment. Then, "Do I want to know?"

"No."

"Okay. See you in a few."

"Hm."

Sephiroth snapped the phone shut and stuffed it back into his coat pocket, feeling immensely better about the morning. Without looking back, he gestured for Cloud to move faster, pleased when his footfalls increased in pace and proximity. Yes, today promised to be a good day indeed. And to think, it was all because of a song about rainbow-dancing unicorns.

Oh my glob this thing XD It's just. Oh my glob. Hope y'all had as much fun as I did on this weird and wild ride! Also, shoutout to RegenesisX, whose FFVII fics are works of art and you all totally need to go read them; I just can't see Genesis without at least one canopener in his office thanks to you ;P