...So, as a US citizen, I can barely believe that election just happened. Um. Please accept this shameless fluff that I wrote to get my mind off of things.

(Also, because I am a nerd, the title is a quote from The Life of a Stupid Man, part of Rashōmon and Seventeen Other Stories by Akutagawa Ryuunosuke.)

Russian Translation on "ficbook net/readfic/7202494", just add a period between "ficbook" and "net." Sorry for the awkward formatting; this site is terrible with links :P

"Not bad."

Akutagawa stared at him. "What?"

"You're advancing quickly. Not bad," Dazai elaborated.

Akutagawa stared at him. Dazai never praised him like that. Ever.

...Was this some sort of test? If so, he had no idea what he was supposed to say. Attempting the safest option, Akutagawa remained silent, observing Dazai with a critical gaze to check for any clues on what to do.

Dazai sighed and tossed him a water bottle. "Here. Take a fifteen minute break; I need to go take care of something."

Akutagawa blinked. Dazai was acting stranger and stranger. They had only been training for two hours. Normally, Dazai wouldn't give him a break until it had been at least three. And Dazai never gave him water. He always had to break into the ancient vending machine down the hall, since the water fountains were nowhere near sanitary enough to be safe.

It must be a test, Akutagawa decided, watching Dazai turn and leave the room. Akutagawa turned the water bottle over in his hands, squinting through the clear plastic. Maybe it was drugged or poisoned? The seal hadn't been broken, and he couldn't see anything in it, but that didn't necessarily rule out the possibility. A little extra paranoia never hurt, anyway. A thought occurred to him: perhaps the poison wasn't in the water, but on the lip of the bottle. Akutagawa peered at it, trying to see if there was any liquid glistening on the plastic, but the dim light made it impossible to tell.

He only had fifteen minutes, though, which meant that his time would be better spent simply taking a bottle from the vending machine so that he could save more energy for the rest of the day. Just in case, Akutagawa tossed the bottle into Rashōmon's jaws before rising to his feet and making his way down the hall.

If that was a test, though, Akutagawa wondered as he used Rashōmon to steal from the vending machine, what was the point?

[15:29] Odasaku are you proud of me? I'm giving him carrot too!

[Image Received: Akutagawa holding a water bottle, looking confused]

[Seen at 15:31]

[15:31] Good job

[15:31] I see you're taking my advice

[15:32] :3

[15:35] ! nooooo Odasaku he doesn't trust me DX

[Video Received: Akutagawa walking down the hall, Rashōmon audibly crunching on something plastic. He stops at an ancient vending machine and uses Rashōmon to reach up through the flap, take a water bottle, and deliver it to his hand. He then turns and walks back to the training room, opening the new bottle as he walks.]

[Seen at 15:36]

[15:37] …

[15:37] What was the last thing you gave him?

[15:38] eh… I don't remember

[15:38] I think a bomb? To test Rashōmon's strength as a shield

[15:38] Didn't work very well. He needs to work on his defense -_-'

[15:40] I see

[15:40] That would explain it

[15:41] Just give him time

[15:41] :c Odasaku what did I do wrong

[15:45] Odasaku?

[15:46] ...Good luck. Just keep trying

[15:46] Thats not helpful!

[15:46] Sorry, but that's the best advice I have

[15:47] ...Ok. Gotta get back to training now

[15:47] Meet me after work?

[15:48] Sure

Something was wrong.

To be specific, something was wrong with Dazai, and it was setting Akutagawa on edge.

Dazai had been… distant. Off. There were moments where Akutagawa caught him staring into space without really seeing it, a mouth downturned into a thoughtful frown. He never dropped his guard, not completely, but there were moments when it lowered. When Akutagawa caught a glimpse of the man he really was, rather than the persona he showed to much of the Port Mafia.

It was troubling, and the worst part was, it didn't seem as if Dazai even noticed.

"...Hey, Akutagawa."

Akutagawa looked up, Rashōmon slipping back under his coat. "Yes?"

Dazai let one leg dangle off the side of the wall while the other drew up close to his chest. An outstretched arm balanced on his bent knee, the other bracing him as he leaned back. He appeared utterly relaxed despite the height of his perch, at least ten feet off the ground.

"Are you happy, here? In the Mafia?"

Akutagawa, blindsided, could only blink at him. Was there a specific answer that Dazai wanted to receive? He was an Executive, so perhaps he was affirming Akutagawa's loyalty.

"...Yes," Akutagawa replied, tone carefully neutral as he lied through his teeth. He had a purpose, true, and he was more or less content, but– well, that didn't necessarily equate to happiness. Not really. Whether or not he was happy didn't actually matter, though. He hadn't joined the Mafia for happiness; he had joined it for purpose. And purpose was what he had gained.

Dazai hummed in acknowledgement, but otherwise didn't reply.

"Well," he said after a minute of silence, "we should probably get these bodies disposed of, eh?" His fingers flew across the screen of his phone, presumably tapping out orders for a cleanup crew. "Come on, the day isn't over yet," he added as he hopped down off the wall, using a dumpster as a step. Hands in his pockets, Dazai strolled out of the alleyway, leaving Akutagawa to follow behind. He didn't bring up Akutagawa's happiness again.

Akutagawa, by this point, was more than a little suspicious. Something, he decided, is definitely going on.

"You should take better care of your health," Gin murmured with faint disapproval. She handed him his glasses, which he would have sworn up and down were nowhere to be found until she had unearthed them from the depths of a stuck drawer.

Akutagawa let out an amused huff. "I do have contacts."

"The glasses are better for your eyes overall," Gin countered. "And they can be worn for longer periods of time."

Akutagawa inclined his head to concede the point. The lights buzzed quietly above him, warm yellow light casting angled shadows across the pages of his book. Gin sat down next to him with a tired sigh, relaxing into the cushion. Her hair was getting long, he noted. She'd probably want to get it cut soon. For that matter, so was his. He needed to take care of that before it started getting in the way of his fighting.

Gin pulled out her phone. "We need to get supplies," she mentioned, scrolling down a long to-do list. "My whetstone is wearing out, and one of my knives cracked today."

At that, Akutagawa looked up from his book, reached for his coat, and pulled out a long pouch. "Here. I picked these up earlier this afternoon."

The pouch clinked as Gin set it on the table and opened the top. "Good timing. Thank you," she replied, sounding pleasantly surprised as she pulled out an assortment of small weapons. "Oh, these are nice." She unsheathed a dagger, running her fingers along the flat of the blade. "German make. Interesting."

"Assassins," Akutagawa explained, bland. "Not very good, but their employer was rich. I was permitted to pick what I wanted from their gear before the rest was repurposed." He adjusted his glasses and looked back down, flipping a page.

Gin hummed in acknowledgement. It wasn't an uncommon occurrence, this exchange between the siblings. Akutagawa often picked up little things during his work that he would give to her if he thought that they would be useful. Almost like a cat, really, bringing in trophies of dead animals to present with a sort of self-satisfied pride. It meant that they saved money on weaponry, though, and it was a ritual that they had been keeping up since they were children living on the streets. The only difference was that now, the offerings had graduated from rusty pocket knives and switchblades to high-grade steel and firearms.

A comfortable silence settled between them. Akutagawa read a chapter of his book. Gin worked her way through her inspection of the bag's weapons. The old light droned quietly on.

Then, someone knocked on the door.

Both siblings went still.

Another knock echoed through the foyer.

"I'll get it," Akutagawa rasped, rising to his feet. Gin hurriedly packed up the weapons, stashing some in various places on her person as others went back into the pouch. She pulled her hair back, forgoing a mask in favor of snagging the rest of her gear as she followed her brother to the door.

When it opened, though, it wasn't at all who they had been expecting.

"Hello!" Dazai chirped, guileless. "I apologize to bother you when it's so late, but I have a very important question to ask."

The siblings stared at him. After a moment, Akutagawa gave a slow, cautious nod.

Dazai's eyes sharpened, demeanor growing serious in an abrupt personality flip. "I'm defecting from the Port Mafia. Will you come with me?"

...Did he actually just say that?

Gin and Akutagawa blinked at him in eerie unison, widened eyes the only indication of their shock. "...What?" Akutagawa managed, tone half-strangled.

Dazai stuck his hands in his pockets. "I'm defecting," he repeated, "and I'd like you to come with me. You have–" he checked his watch "–half an hour to decide and pack your things if you're coming. In the meantime," he affected an innocent smile, "mind if I wait inside? It's kind of cold out."

The siblings stepped back as one, pulling open the door to let him in. Dazai toed off his shoes and wandered into the apartment as if it was his– which, to be fair, wasn't entirely wrong, as he was the one who had set them up with it in the first place. By mutual agreement, Gin and Akutagawa left him to his own devices (Akutagawa wasn't sure what Dazai was doing as the man poked around their fridge, but he didn't think he wanted to know) and retreated to Akutagawa's bedroom to discuss things.

"Is he serious?" Gin asked quietly, crossing her arms.

Akutagawa frowned. "It would appear so," he replied, mentally replaying Dazai's words. "I admit, this would explain a lot about his recent behavior."

"So, he was acting strangely for a reason," Gin mused. "Just, not any of the ones we thought." She quirked a brow. "You've already decided on your answer, though, haven't you. You want to follow him."

The stilling of Akutagawa's coat, which had been rippling slightly along its hem, told Gin that she had hit the mark. "How did you–"

Gin sighed. "You have always been more loyal to people than places or groups." Her lips tilted in a wry smile. "Which, I suppose, means that we had better start packing."

She brushed past Akutagawa and into her own room, where she pulled on a spare mask and started throwing things into a duffel bag. Akutagawa was left staring after her, a bit nonplussed. He hadn't realized that Gin could read him quite so well.

Their decision had evidently been made, however, and while he didn't have many belongings, there were certain things that he preferred not to lose. Now, where had he put his medication…?

The first thing that Nakajima Atsushi said to Akutagawa Ryuunosuke was, "Hello, I'm Nakajima Atsushi. It's very nice to meet you."

The first thing that Nakajima Atsushi's younger siblings said to Akutagawa Ryuunosuke was, "Are you okay? You look like a vampire. Odasaku says it's not healthy to be too pale because it means that you aren't getting enough sunlight. And you look really skinny. Do you eat? What's up with your hair?"

Akutagawa blinked. Gin stifled an amused snort. Dazai made a choked-off snerk sound, turning around to muffle his laughter. Atsushi squeaked in mortification.

Odasaku heaved a long-suffering sigh. "Kids. What have I said about greeting other people?"

They looked down as one, chastened. "Always be polite," the one with the backwards baseball cap muttered. "Sorry."

Odasaku nodded at Akutagawa. "Don't apologize to me."

The kids turned to face Akutagawa. He looked down at them, torn between annoyance and bemusement.

"Sorry," they chorused. With a bit of prodding from Odasaku (and wasn't that a twist that Akutagawa would never have seen coming, Dazai's mysterious friend having kids), they introduced themselves.

"I'm Kosuke," said the one with the orange vest.

"I'm Yuu," said the one with the backwards baseball cap.

"I'm Shinji," said the one who was hiding behind a mess of brown hair.

"I'm Katsumi," said the one who was missing a tooth in a lopsided grin.

"I'm Sakura," said the one with pigtails and a stuffed bear.

"It's very nice to meet you!" they told him, with varying degrees of enthusiasm.

With deliberate calm, Akutagawa turned to Dazai. "What is this."

Dazai tilted his head with an innocent smile. "Oh, didn't I tell you? I'm defecting to follow Odasaku, and of course he can't leave his precious children. Don't worry; we'll only be in this safe house for a few weeks. I'm sure we'll all be fine, eh?"

Akutagawa closed his eyes and prayed for sanity.

[20:14] Odasaku

[20:14] Odasaku help

[20:15] I need backup come quick

[20:15] What is it?

[20:15] I dont know what to do

[20:15] sakura wants to cut my hair

[20:16] because Gins cutting her hair

[20:16] I said no and she looks like she might cry?

[20:16] Odasaku im sorry please come save me

[20:17] I'm almost back. Just wait a few minutes

[20:17] Wait. It's her bedtime. Why is she still up?

[20:19] she said she wasnt tired yet

[20:19] besides its not that late

[20:19] Dazai, she's four

[20:19] so?

[20:19] She'll be tired soon. Just get her and the other kids ready for bed, please. Atsushi can help

[20:20] ok

[20:25] OH NO

[20:25] SAKURA STOP

[20:25] What's wrong?!

[20:25] SHE GAVE UP ON MY HAIR AND WANTS TO CUT AKUTAGAWAS HAIR INSTEAD

[20:25] WHERE DID SHE GET THE SCISSORS

[20:25] HOW DID SHE GET THAT CLOSE TO HIS FACE

[20:25] GOTTA GO BY

"Ugh." Dazai slumped face-first onto the table. "That was the most terrifying experience of my life."

Odasaku set a cup of tea down by his elbow and pulled out the chair beside him. "I told you to keep an eye on them," Odasaku chided, mild as milk. "Children are remarkably fearless about the strangest things."

Dazai groaned, the sound muffled by wood. "I though Akutagawa was going to attack her when he woke up with scissors in his face."

Odasaku sat down and grimaced. "I'll have to give the kids another talk on safety and asking permission before doing things. That was… too close."

"No kidding." Dazai knocked back the tea like a it was a shot. "They're all asleep now?"

"Yes," Odasaku affirmed. "Atsushi's talking with Gin, I think. Akutagawa is reading."

Dazai stared into his empty cup, then at the half-full teapot. "What are they talking about?"

Odasaku's nodded in the direction of the living room. "Babysitting."

Dazai poured himself another cup. He would have preferred coffee, but beggars couldn't be choosers. "Why?"

Odasaku shrugged, elbows leaning on the table. "We're all more or less living together for the next few weeks," he pointed out. "It would probably be a good idea for everyone to learn how to handle the kids, if only because they're sure to be underfoot most of the time."

Dazai pulled an exaggerated face. "Ugh, parenting. Why did I agree to follow you, again?"

"At least the kids like you," Odasaku pointed out with a low chuckle. "It could be worse."

Dazai groaned again, cradling his tea between his hands. "Is that really a good thing? They kept wanting to– to play with me." He sounded baffled by the very concept.

Odasaku hid a smile behind the rim of his cup. "Be thankful we don't have glitter here. Kosuke got ahold of some for an art project once. I don't think we ever did manage to get it all out of the carpet."

Brow furrowing as he mulled that that over, Dazai shuddered in mute horror. "At least there's that." He paused to knock back his tea for the second time. "Are kids always like this? Hyperactive and… loud?"

Odasaku took a moment to consider the question. "It depends on the child. Shinji is usually pretty quiet; give him a few books and he'll read for hours. Yuu is fairly well-behaved, but he sometimes gets pulled into trouble by Katsumi, who's the most energetic. Sakura is also fairly quiet, but with a mischievous streak, and Kosuke is their ringleader. Chances are, trouble will start with him." A beat of silence. "Atsushi is generally good at managing them, though. On the whole, they're good kids."

"I never said they weren't." Dazai poured himself a third cup. Odasaku discreetly nudged the teapot away from him. "I don't know why I'm so worried. Akutagawa and Gin have been handling things remarkably well, if I'm being honest. I never thought Akutagawa could be so patient."

Odasaku hummed in agreement. "I think Atsushi is glad to meet people closer to his own age. He'd never admit it, but I'm sure it gets lonely sometimes, being the only teenager." A sly smirk. "Well, barring you, of course."

Dazai sputtered. "I'm eighteen! An adult!"

Odasaku's lips twitched. "Eighteen is still a teen."

Dazai opened his mouth. Stopped. Closed it again. "I'm eighteen," he repeated, this time with dawning realization. "Wait, I– I'm the Akutagawas' legal guardian. I'm too young to be a parent!"

"You're just realizing this now?" Odasaku's tone was droll as he sipped at his tea. "Just because you are their guardian doesn't mean you have to be a parent. Considering the age gap, you might have better luck being their friend instead. Or even a sibling."

Dazai's head went thunk onto the table again.

Odasaku laughed into his tea.

Four Years Later

"We still need eggs, right?"

Akutagawa checked their basket. "Yes."

"Right." Atsushi turned off his phone, sticking it in his pocket as he turned towards the dairy section of the grocery store. "And… I think Gin wanted us to pick up oranges?"

Akutagawa's lip curled. "...Yes."

Atsushi covered a grin. "Relax, we don't have to get too many. We can grab some figs, too. I think they're on sale."

"Okay," Akutagawa agreed. Figs sounded good. He liked figs. Much better than oranges; he didn't know what Gin saw in those things.

Atsushi hummed to himself as he opened a carton of eggs to make sure none were broken. Akutagawa silently held out the basket when they passed muster, letting Atsushi tuck them between the tofu and the pork.

"Other than oranges and figs, I think that's everything," Atsushi muttered, scrolling down the list on his phone. They began to walk towards the checkout line. On the way, Akutagawa snagged a small bag of figs and (ugh) oranges. Those went in his second shopping basket, where they leaned against three gallons of milk.

Atsushi wasn't carrying either of the baskets because he had his hands full with two truly massive sacks of rice. They were so large that he had to put them down whenever he checked their shopping list, one hoisted over each shoulder. Akutagawa saw more than one person gape at the two of them as they traversed the aisles, not in the least because Atsushi appeared to be exerting little to no effort to carry both rice sacks. Clearly, his years of training were paying off.

"Back again for your weekly grocery run?" the cashier giggled as she ran their items through the scanner. "Looks like even more food this week than last time."

Atsushi gave a sheepish laugh. "Yeah, well, my siblings are starting to hit their growth spurts, so…" He shrugged as if to say, what can you do?

"Good luck," the cashier chuckled, handing them the receipt. "Tell your dad I said hi, alright?"

"I will. Thank you!" Atsushi called as he and Akutagawa gathered up their bags. The milk sloshed slightly. The fruits rolled around like enormous marbles.

Behind them, automatic doors hissed closed. Akutagawa tipped his face to the sky, feeling the wind tug at the ends of his hair and watching the clouds that scuttled across the horizon. It was a warm day, a sunny day, and he could just about see Atsushi melt into it. He had no doubt that when they got home, Atsushi would end up curled under a sunbeam to nap.

"Come on," Atsushi said, cheerful. "Let's go home. I'm sure the kids will be happy to see us with all of this stuff."

Akutagawa felt his lips tug into a faint smile as he pictured their reactions. "If Kosuke jumps on me again, I will skewer him this time."

Atsushi knocked his shoulder against Akutagawa's, playful and grinning. "Aw, you know he admires you."

Akutagawa rolled his eyes. He would never quite understand that. Why, when there were so many better people for the preteen to look up to? "Maybe I'll make it a quick death."

Atsushi laughed again, bright like the sun reflected in his eyes. Akutagawa smirked as he followed the weretiger home, idly wrapping a tendril of Rashōmon around the bottom of his bags so that they didn't break.

Life, he decided, was good.

([[An echo of the past:]]

Are you happy, here? he remembered hearing Dazai ask, four long years ago.

He had lied through his teeth, then, certain that it was some sort of test to his loyalty. Yes, he had said, but the word had rung hollow even to him.

Now, though… if Dazai asked him the question again, Akutagawa Ryuunosuke knew what he would honestly say.

Yes.)