As the Alexandria gates came into view in the grimy window of the RV Carl felt a kind of painful relief. Relief that they were back home, even if they hadn't all survived the journey. His dad was safe, Maggie would get the help she needed, Judith was safe and Enid…he wondered if she had escaped the closet he had locked her in. Locked her in to keep her safe. Thank God he had…she could've been killed. He only hoped that if she had escaped she hadn't run away like she did before. He didn't know if he could handle that on top of everything else.

The RV pulled through the gates and came to a stop before the first row of houses. As the gates clanged shut he could see the relieved smiling faces of the others waiting for them to come home. His dad turned off the engine but did not move from his place in the driver's seat. No one seemed to want to move, they were still shell shocked and completely overcome with grief.

Carl felt numb. He knew he was upset but somehow couldn't get that feeling to manifest physically. He wanted to feel it, needed to feel it. He couldn't cry, not because he thought it was weak, but because he just couldn't. The tears wouldn't come no matter what he did. Glenn had been like a big brother to him, and Abraham the awesome uncle he never had. And Maggie, now to have her baby without the love of her life to be there with her.

He pushed open the RV door with so much force it nearly ripped off its hinges. The others were there, father Gabriel was holding Judith in his arms.

"How did it…" he started but stopped at the look on Carl's face.

Olivia ran forward from one of the houses, "No…what…what happened?" he could already see the tears welling up in her eyes.

Carl walked past her and took Judith out of Gabriel's arms. Somehow she looked bigger, but it had only been a day and a half. He crushed her to his chest and sank to the ground on his knees. She cooed and gurgled and reached for his face. He smelled her hair and felt the softness of her skin. Still the tears wouldn't come. He could hear the others stepping out of the RV and the quiet sobs and whispers behind him. They were telling them that they had lost, almost lost everything.

He heard the gravel scrap in front of him and looked up to see Michonne, her face still wet with tears. He stood up and handed Judith to her. He needed to be alone.

"Carl, it's going to be OK," she said as she reached out to touch him on the shoulder.

"I need to take a shower," was all he said and walked off towards their home down the street.

He ran up the stairs two at a time and closed the bathroom door behind him. He turned on the water until the room was filled with steam. He removed his hat, peeled off his clothes and finally the bandages over his eye. He wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror and looked at himself. At first he was horrified. His face older than he remembered, his body dirty and scarred and his face completely mutilated but the gaping hole where his other blue eye should be. His knuckles tightened on the edge of the sink until they shook. He balled up his right fist and sent it slamming into the mirror. He didn't ever want to see his reflection again.

The blood from where the mirror had cut his hand dripped onto the bathroom floor but the pain was negligible, at least he could still feel pain. It seemed like that's all he could feel now; physical pain.

He turned and stepped into the scalding hot shower. It burned his skin but it felt good, he just stood there letting the water cascade over him, washing all the grime away. He scrubbed his skin until it was raw and pink. He tried his hardest to scrub off the marker where Negan had drawn the line but it wouldn't disappear. The blood from his hand had finally stopped. He didn't know when it had happened but suddenly he realized that the hot water had changed to freezing cold and he was shaking. How long had he been sitting here? When had he sat down?

He turned off the shower tap and opened the curtain to find a towel. A grey bath towel was hanging on the door. He grabbed it and ruffled his wet hair in the fluffy terry cloth before stepping out of the shower and onto the warm tile floors. He was wrapping the towel around his waist when he heard a soft knock on the door.

"Carl?" a soft female voice called.

Carl almost slipped on the wet tile floor, "Enid?"

"Yeah it's me, are you OK?"

Carl didn't answer, he didn't know how to answer. He didn't know what he was feeling.

"I guess she managed to get out of the armory…" he thought to himself.

"Carl, you can talk to me, I want to see you."

Carl rested his head on the bathroom door, "No, you don't."

It was quiet for a few minutes, he thought she had gone away until, "Michonne told me what happened. Carl I'm so sorry."

"Not as sorry as I am. Enid please just leave me alone…I can't see you right now."

"Why not? Let me help you."

Carl touched the side of his face, "no, my face, I don't want to scare you away forever, I already scare you."

"I'm not scared of your face. Please just come out."

Carl touched the door knob but realized he was still in just a towel.

"Enid, I…I don't have any clothes on."

There was a moment of silence, "Oh, ok I'll grab you something."

He could hear her footsteps retreating. A few moments later she returned and knocked, "here, I can pass them to you if you open the door a bit."

Carl turned the door knob and opened the door a few inches so Enid could pass him some clothes. He could see the bracelet on her wrist and wanted to touch her hand, but she closed the door again for him to change.

He pulled on a pair of boxers, jeans and a white t-shirt. He faced the door again.

He clenched his fist and then grabbed for the door handle and slowly pulled it open.

Enid was there, her long brown hair and hazel eyes looking at his face. She didn't flinch.

"Carl…"

"I'm not sorry I locked you in the armory." He blurted out.

She looked down at her feet, "I'm not angry anymore, I'm just glad you're back."

"You're just so stubborn and I couldn't risk you getting hurt." He said his voice rising. Something was bubbling in his stomach, hot and angry.

"But you put yourself in danger? What would I have done if something had happened to you?"

"You would have survived, you'd still be alive."

She was yelling now, "I don't want to survive if you're not there with me."

Carl was yelling back at her, "I couldn't live with myself if something had happened to you." There was a dragon in his chest, screaming to get out.

He was kissing her before he even knew what was happening. His mouth crushed against hers, his right hand grabbing the back of her neck tilting her face up to meet his, his left hand on her waist pulling her to him. She let out a small gasp of surprise and for a moment he thought she would pull away, but then he felt her fingers in his wet hair on the back of his neck. Her other hand was pressed against his chest.

This was what had been missing, he could feel this. This wasn't physical pain, it was better than anything he had ever felt. Carl was almost euphoric as his mouth moved over hers.

She opened her mouth to him and he felt her tongue brush his lips. She tasted like spearmint gum. He had never kissed a girl, at least not like this. He wondered how she'd learned to do it, maybe Ron had taught her.

Carl pulled away from her at the thought. He could hear her gasp, as they parted. He looked at her face, her lips were swollen and her eyes slightly hazy.

"What's wrong?" She whispered.

Carl didn't know what to say, "I just…I've never…I don't know if I…"

He could feel her hand touch his forearm, "It's OK, you're doing fine."

"Where did you learn to kiss like that?" he asked, his voice sounding rough.

She blushed but didn't answer.

"Did he use to kiss you like that?" he asked not really wanting to know the answer.

She turned her hazel eyes back up to meet him, "No one's ever kissed me like that."

Carl let out the smallest of laughs, it felt strange to laugh. "I'm sorry…for a moment I almost forgot about everything."

Enid placed a hand on either side of his face, "kiss me again."

Carl didn't have to be told twice, his mouth met hers again, more gently this time. Her tongue massaging his, his hands finding her small waist. He couldn't believe how wonderful it felt, he needed more of her, like he was starving for her.

He pushed her into the wall of the hallway, her hands travelling over his shoulders, his back, his arms. Her touch was electric. His knees almost buckled as he felt her finger tips graze his stomach. He wanted more, his hands sliding underneath her shirt to touch the soft skin on the small of her back. He could feel the goosebumps prickle up at his touch. Her breath hitched and she pulled away for a moment.

"I'm sorry, are you OK?" he asked breathlessly.

"I…ah…I…" she stammered, her eyes still closed.

"Carl?" his dad's voice called from the main floor.

Enid jumped away from him and all of a sudden the pain was back, he felt cold and suddenly conscious of his face, he could feel the dampness of his shirt where his hair had dripped.

"Carl? You up here?" his dad came around the corner into the hallway but stopped dead when he saw Enid.

"I've got to go," whispered Enid, and then she was gone. Darting past Rick at the top of the stairs. Carl could hear the front door open and shut loudly. His dad looked older than he'd ever seen him but there was something in his look that made Carl feel flustered.

"She just came to see if I was OK…"

Rick just nodded, "We need to have a meeting with everyone. Be at the church in ten minutes."

He turned and walked away slowly, making his way back down the stairs.

Carl turned and fell against the door to his bedroom, his breathing still trying to regulate itself. He felt hot and alive. A different kind of alive than when they were fighting walkers, this feeling he never wanted to stop. Something had changed in him.