Author's Note: To those about to embark on this bizarre journey note that this is a compilation of everything I have ever written or will write. So I would familiarize myself with other works of mine before reading this... Otherwise, well, you'll probably wonder why this is a thing.

Lily, red-headed, thin, terrifying, twelve-year-old, god wearing the form of the grim reaper, turned to Wizard Lenin, and declared, "Lenin, I've finally figured it out."

Wizard Lenin, sitting in his most recent form of the Albanian Lenin Rabbitson, spared her a pair of raised eyebrows and asked dully, "Figured what out?"

"The meaning of life," Lily leaned in closer, perhaps too close, her eyes endless and insistant, "We're not real, Lenin. We're just fragmented copies of fictionalized characters by some woman named J.K. Rowling, altered by a carnivorous muffin for their own entertainment, as the muffin goes onto publish ridiculous amounts of writing that she's not getting paid to do."

"…did you just claim that god is a muffin."

"No, worse, Lenin, we're fan fiction."

The faceless, genderless, not truly involved, unimportant to this tale, narrator sat in one of the plush chairs that one might expect on Doctor Phil, Oprah, Ellen, or a talk show of that variety. Awkwardly, twiddling their thumbs, and then offered the audience and the camera a thin smile, "So, this is apparently a thing. Hello, by the way, I'm The Carnivorous Muffin."

A sign blinks on, signaling the applause, and the audience dutifully cheers for a few moments until the sign blinks back out again.

(The Carnivorous Muffin does not necessarily appreciate this, as she suspects that this means that a laugh track will probably also be involved, and is of the staunch opinion that laugh tracks are tools for those who are incapable of being funny.

If you want more opinions like this from The Carnivorous Muffin mention so in your review. If you want less, mention so in your review. If you're still confused what the hell this is, mention so in your review.)

"Right, so, as you may know I write barrels of fanfiction. Over a hundred now, that has to fit in some form of a literal barrel… Good god, I am far too invested in this hobby. Anyways, I write lots of things from Harry Potter, to Death Note, to Naruto despite knowing very little of Naruto from the source material, to well, other fandoms and things no one seems to care about." The muffin pauses, thinking over their words, "Anyways, I spend a lot of time here. Somebody asked me recently, I believe it was Luna Bass, to write one of those question-answer fics with my characters."

The Carnivorous Muffin motions to the empty chair, the spotlight following their commands and lingering, and the muffin continues, "So, what this means is, as directed by your questions I will sit either Lily, Frank, Lenin, Minato, Tobirama, Anna Jones, Light Yagami whoever you want really so long as I have written some incarnation of them in some fan fic or another (or hell if you really want canon characters I haven't bothered to write, go for that too) down in that chair, and I will interview them, chit chatting here and there, while also answering all the questions you've been dying to ask."

The muffin turns back to the audience, "For example, Ginny, why are you so undeniably creepy?"

There is no answer from Ginny Weasley of "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus" as Ginny is not in the room. None the less, the overwhelming silence presented by the chair, in Ginny's absence, says quite a lot about the situation.

"Of course, because while this is the internet, the wild west of the modern age, we're still going to have some regulations. Really, they're more like formalities though, and if you don't do it you make my life kind of difficult."

A sign lights up behind The Carnivorous Muffin, various rules highlighted as they go along, "One, specify the character and the story along with the question you want to ask them. There are many iterations of Harry, and they're all kind of different. And if you want me to take a stab at canon characters mention that too, although believe me when I say that I am very much not J.K. Rowling, and it shows."

(If The Carnivorous Muffin was J.K. Rowling she would probably not be writing fan fiction of her own fan fiction; she'd publish it instead.)

"Second, the characters will be answering in character, as such they might not actually answer your question. Don't be offended if, instead of Tom Riddle replying that he likes it from behind, he tells you to get bent, if in more colorful language (even if he likes it from behind). These aren't my opinions, well, they are but you know what I mean." The Carnivorous Muffin stalls, looks visibly panicked for a moment, then amends their statement, "Jesus Christ people, try not to get offended about all of this."

There is overwhelming silence from the audience. The Carnivorous Muffin sighs, takes a deep breath, and continues, "Third, if you ask something spoiler related, even if it's not obvious to you why this would be a spoiler. I will stop the character from answering, even if they might answer under normal circumstances. For example, asking Rabbit what exactly Lily is, is not going to happen inside of this. Don't spoil yourself or your fellow readers, let me do that out of lethargy in my writing side fics or through all too blatant world-building."

The Carnivorous Muffin at once becomes more intense, and leans forward, eyes blazing, "Fourth, if you guys get ridiculous or trollish beyond comprehension, I will not hesitate to shut this thing down. That said, trolling a little is fine, hell this whole story is a troll. A fan fic presenting itself as an existential talk show, if that's not a troll I'm not sure what is. I also, in case this is not known, have a great appreciation for 'My Immortal' which truly was the trolliest thing to come out of this website. Seriously, there's a British reading of it on youtube and it is the greatest thing I have ever listened to. I highly recommend it. That said, there is a fine line between genuinely funny trolling and being an ass, I trust you know the difference, don't be an ass."

"Fifth… Do we have any fifth rule?" The Carnivorous Muffin asked, turning towards backstage, muffled noises are heard.

"No? Really, I could have sworn there were five… Well, if there are any more rules, or they occur to me later, I'll just add them in from that point on."

The Carnivorous Muffin smiles, and says, "Now, what can you expect from this… thing? Well, obviously the question answer sessions, duh, but I'm thinking I might add in commercials for prompts that reviewers can pick up if they so desire, things people can pressure me to write because 'it's a great idea and you aren't already writing too many things at once', general crossover ridiculousness of characters who would never normally meet but are stuck together in this strange dimension between fanfictions (i.e. Jiraiya and Wizard Lenin go shopping, I don't know, I'm not a fountain of ideas, also if you want some of that feel free to prompt as you will in the reviews, if you don't have questions), general advertisements (probably products invented by Lily and or Lee that you must use for your own survival), and who knows, perhaps more. That said, if nobody is interesting then I am bailing from this ship like nobody's business and we can pretend this never happened."

The Carnivorous Muffin looks a little terse for a moment, "Although since someone asked me about this, and since people apparently do these things, this must be a thing people want. So I expect at least some response out of this."

"So basically, do whatever you want… but don't go overboard. Also, flamers, I really don't mind you and for whatever reason I actually haven't been flamed too often in spite of having ridiculously over powered protagonists, but that said, this is neither the time nor the place. If you think this is ungodly stupid, I shall let you know that, yes, I agree. But you can't say that it isn't at least kind of fun… Or, you can, but just try to keep it to yourselves… Oh, hell you'll probably just flame me anyway, so go ahead and do that to."

The Carnivorous Muffin smiles and waves at the audience, "So that's all for now then, until next time, if we make it past the piolet episode…"

The camera zooms out; music begins to play.

"Oh, what, you want me to dance? Isn't that Ellen's thing? I can't steal Ellen's thing."

The audience cheers, standing and smiling, the applause sign clearly lit.

"No, seriously, I'm not stealing Ellen's thing. I'm just… You know what, why don't we just cut to the commercials. No one enjoys song fics or written dance numbers anyways."

This holiday season, get ready for the adventure that will… change… everything…

The dark haired Harry Potter, with wild desperate green eyes, grips at her blonde companion, "Delphi, listen to me, we don't have much time!"

Delphi, with wide blue eyes, stares back at her, clearly torn between bewilderment, derision, and fear beyond comprehension.

Beyond them the hallway is dark, there is only a single light coming from a door down the hall, one that neither girl can seem to turn their eyes away from although they desperately try to.

Get ready for…

"Delphi! If we don't manage to get your mother out of here now, then trust me you will not have one!"

Arrested Revolution

"Don't talk about my mother, mudblood!" Delphi slaps Harry Potter across the cheek, a red hand shaped print left on the other girl's face.

"Delphi, your mom is a cultist. She freaks Voldemort out, trust me when I say that when he gets tired of her, and he's getting tired of her, he will dispose of her."

Another slap, "Don't talk about our lord that way!"

"Oh, right, like you have any room to talk, Daddy Issues." Harry spits, "Merlin's balls, you know what, I don't care. I don't care at all. Just don't blame me when you find your mom passed out with the pitcher of Kool-Aid."

(Meanwhile, flying through the study window of Riddle manor, is Bellatrix LeStrange, who was just informed that she would not be having sex with her lord on a desk.)

Rated M, for mature, because we're all mature.

Updated soon at an internet browser near you.

Jiraiya, Eru Lee, Namikaze Minato, and Matsuda Haru stand in training ground three. Lee holding out a yellow book with a too large, salesman's, grin, Minato smiles, but with perhaps more genuine amusement, motioning to Lee as the showman's assistant. Jiraiya, not quite sure what is going on, stands in the back, looking very confused and alarmed.

"Uh, kids, you're sort of freaking me out here…"

Haru says, dully, as if reading from a script that he does not believe in the least, "Do you find yourself constantly attacked by plant zombies? Are you totally useless and the Dead Last of your genin trio? Are you reasonably certain that you're going to die by the time you're fifteen?"

A plant zombie dutifully appears, startling Jiraiya, "Shit!"

Jiraiya forms a hand seal, traps the plant zombie beneath earth, and then unleashes a barrage of explosive seals.

Meanwhile, Minato continues, "Don't be! Now, with Eru Lee's new 'plant zombie survival guide', you too can find yourself a contributing memory of society."

Lee opens the book, the camera zooms in to the page, revealing the chapter title to be, "Explosive seals are your friends".

"Learn techniques to ward off zombies like fuinjutsu, ninjutsu, tainjutsu, and more. All yours for only nine ninety-nine!"

Lee snaps the book shut even as Jiraiya disposes of the plant zombie, looking more than a little panicked, over his students Jiraiya shouts, "Okay, is anyone at all concerned that we were just attacked by plant zombies inside of the village? Seriously, squirts? You do know we have to go see the hokage now, right?"

Minato continues, smiling at the audience, "But wait, there's more! By now and we'll include a demonstrational of Eru Lee's best methods of destroying plant zombies as well as free shipping and handling. Don't wait, this is a limited time offer!"

Haru then finishes, dully with, "Remember, you're never sorry, you're just dead. Don't be dead, get to the chopper."

Jiraiya whacks Lee and Minato across the head, "Okay, kids, show's over, time to go see the sandaime."

Starring:

The Carnivorous Muffin as The Written Representation of The Carnivorous Muffin

Eru Lee as The Helpful and Overly Cheerful Assistant in Every Infomercial

Namikaze Minato as That Strangely Persuasive Salesman

Jiraiya as That One Guy Who Has No Idea What's Going on Anymore

Matsuda Haru as Dead Last

Delphi Riddle as That One Girl Due for a Paradigm Shift

Harry Potter as The Voice of Reason

Lily as The Voice of Existential Reason

Wizard Lenin as The Straight Man and Grinch Like Cynic Inside of Us All

Author's Note: This is exactly what it said in the chapter, follow the guidelines posted there, and yes someone really did ask for this and well... I am intrigued enough to give this a try, we'll see where it goes. Thank you to Luna Bass for the idea.

Reviews are much appreciated, and actually necessary for this fic's survival. Thanks for reading.

Disclaimer: I own no published works I mention.