Chapter 1:

Tom Riddle's Diary, the Early Years of Being a Teenage Evil Angsty Diary

Day 1 as a Horcrux:

1pm.

Very well done, me. Creating horcrux, yet another way I can never be defeated. Very well done me.

.

2pm

*Looks around* Hmm, I guess a part of my soul actually has to stay here.

Interesting.

3pm

*Kicks wall.* I should've left some kind of play plan or something to keep me occupied. I don't even have cable, wifi or a piano forte to practice my Chopin concerto!

Bugger it. Why did the other 6/7ths of me think I would be fine stuck in a diary?! Voldemort think your plans through, you idiot!

I'm bored!

4pm

Fuck this shit. I'm getting out of here! *scratches at walls* Help! Somebody help me! I'm a teenage dark lord stuck in a diary! Help let me out! I'm just like a genie in a bottle, you just have to rub me the right way!

6pm

Fuck me, I'm bored. This place sucks big time. Fuck. I hate myself.

If I don't have people to torture or take over the world, I get BORED big time.

7pm

*scratches and rolls around pages dramatically* I'm so bored and handsome, SOMEBODY PLAY WITH ME! If somebody doesn't pick up this diary right now, I'm going to sue myself!

9pm

Can one sue oneself for being a boring, stupid prat who leaves 1/7th of one's soul in a boring, drab diary?

The idiot older version of me should've had at least left me in a muggle library. At least I could've killed a few muggles for fun.

Fuck.

10pm.

Going to sleep. I better wake up to a god forsaken better day tomorrow!

Please god, merlin, whoever, whatever higher power is out there: please give me someone to torture or control tomorrow! You know I wasn't given these psycho killer instincts for nothing, I have to use them on something. Just give me one muggle please! PLEASEEEE! I need to use my cunning, manipulative evil skills on somebody!

God: please send me somebody stupid enough to read my diary!

Thank you.

11pm

ZZZzzzzzz. *snores* zzzzzzz.

1am

Oh, so I can fall asleep here. That is good to know. I might have to sleep the next 200 years because I'm bored as fuck. And I'm going to be mad as fuck and ready to slaughter everyone once I get out of here. Damn me. Damn me!

.

Ten Years Later...

"Dear Diary,

I hate my father. His hair is too shiny and he acts like a pompous tosser. I wish I could be raised by dolphins or go to Pigfarts. Instead of having to backcomb by hair everyday and apply greasy gel. Doesn't my father understand I look like a little tosser to with my hair gelled back?!

No one understands me or how difficult it is to be 8 years old and Draco Malfoy, only the richest, cleverest and most
misunderstood boy in all of Wizarding Britain.. I hate my life..."

Tom Riddle awoke from his slumber when he felt the irritation of preteen childish angst being spewed, like deadly venom, into his diary.

He opened an eye. "Who is writing this shit in my diary—"

Wait a second. Tom's jaw dropped! Someone had finally found his diary!

Yessssss. He was no longer alone! He could finally manipulate and find his way into possessing a soul, maybe kill a few people too! God he missed the feeling of killing and manipulating people, especially muggles.

Tom Riddle immediately jumped up from his sleep, slicked back the cowlicks from his handsome, luxuriously dark brown hair (not that he really had a body anymore since he was just a diary) and summarily attended to his guest. He coughed out and promptly became the supreme gentleman.

"Welcome. Can I help you?"

Draco's pen stopped.

"Oi! Did you just talk back to me?"

"Yes, I believe I did." Tom let out a yawn. It was rather underwhelming to have slept most of 10 years only to wake up to this half-intellect infant nincompoop.

Draco grimaced. "Weird, I thought diaries were supposed to be private."

"Not this one. I do what I like with it...er I mean, I help people. I am a helping diary. Tell me what is your name nobody?"

"Oi, don't call me nobody! Do you know who I am? Do you know how important my father is?!"

"Your father?" Tom gulped and hoped this infant wasn't his child from the future. "You can't mean―"

"Lucius Malfoy," Draco said proudly. "My father is Lucius Malfoy and I'm Draco Malfoy, equally as important, because I am the future heir of all Malfoy Manor and our vast fortunes."

Tom hesitated to roll his eyes, and tried not to quip: "Bitch please. I'm the heir of Slytherin. Can't top that." But he couldn't risk offending his first diary guest. Draco could be a useful idiot. So he decided to try and seek out more information by flattering him.

"My mistake. You indeed sound like you come from an important, noble pureblood family. Lucius Malfoy―" he'd never heard of the twat―"I'm sure, is a great man. I believe I knew your grandfather, Abraxas was he not?'

"Yes, that's my grandad," Draco wrote proudly. "A very great man too. He's very powerful in the Ministry."

"He used to run around in diapers in my day,' Tom thought drily, but he cleared his throat again. 'Now I need you to help me with something...Do you know any mudbloods?"

"Do I ever?! Hogwarts is overrun with them! Especially this one ugly twat girl called Hermione. Ugh."

"Good, very good. Now I'm going to let you in on a secret, do you know what the Chamber of Secrets is?"

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~O~