Is this how she felt?

Is this how Luce felt when he left her?

The pain in his chest, the dizzying feeling of suddenly being all alone, the sobs racking his body when realization hits him that she's gone...did she feel all this too?

If this was how she felt when he disappeared without a trace, he would never have left her.

Because only now does he know how much it hurts.

Every waking second was torture.

(Because how could he admit he's okay when she's not waking up next to him?)

Every step forward felt like an illusion.

(Because how could he move forward when she's not there at the finish line, beaming at him with that blinding smile of hers?)

Every breath felt like a taunt by fate.

(Because how could he keep on breathing when she's not?)

Precisely three months, two days and five hours ago, nobody would have believed him if he said he would prefer lying on his bed than running around causing ruckus.

But nothing is impossible, apparently.

Because Natsu Dragneel can barely wake up in the mornings that she's gone.

Reality is harsh and unyielding.

Every day is a reminder of how long he hasn't heard her tinkling giggles and soft laughter; of how long he hasn't seen her small frown whenever he starts fighting with Gray; of how long her comforting, vanilla scent has stopped becoming his motivation to live.

Even if he does wake up and go to the guild on those rare occasions, the formerly rambunctious guild has been reduced to something akin to a ghost town - dead and quiet.

No brawls.

No laughter.

No complaints from the Council.

He can't stand the quietness of the guild.

Erza, Gray, Mira, Gajeel...everyone in the guild only serves to remind him of what he lost...of who he lost.

The hunched posture of the great Titania; the bright smiles that the barmaid fakes; the absence of her bubbly 'hello's in the morning...it is a constant reminder that Lucy Heartfilia - the Light of Fairy Tail - is now no more than a name engraved on stone.

The worst thing? She never did die.

His Lucy never died.

She's still there.

In the basement of the guild, right where Mavis's body once stood encrusted in a lacrima.

Natsu still remembers how she smiled for the last time as her soul floated upwards and started disappearing in an ethereal light that shone over her unconscious body on the ground.

How her smile reached her beautiful, soulful hazel eyes.

How her lips curved upwards and opened slightly as she bid him farewell.

Not goodbye but farewell.

A distant memory echoes in the back of his mind.

He remembers asking her a question just a few days after their defeat, his tone bitter and cold, slicing through the tense atmosphere that suffocated the both of them like a knife.

'How do you do it?' He asks, his onyx eyes dark and filled with the anger that was simmering beneath his cold facade. He had lost everything. They had lost everything - the guild, their friends, Igneel... and yet, here she was, a smile plastered on her face as though everything is alright with the world. How could she?

She turns her head to look at him. They were sitting right next to the fire he had built, despite the heat and humidity of the forest they had taken cover in. He avoids her gaze and instead focuses on the way the flames seem to be dancing on top of the wood they piled below it, vaguely aware of how the flames itself was slowly dying.

'Do what?' She asks back. He doesn't know why but he is suddenly enraged by how nonchalant she looks. He lashes out at her, screaming profanities and flinging accusations at her before finally, his tears come streaming down his face, blurring his vision. And he howls - a heart-wrenching, animalistic sound of despair and grief.

He remembers little about what he said to her that night. But he remembers the feeling of her trembling hands as they reach out to cup his face; he remembers how her beautiful brown eyes shone with unwavering determination when she tells him, 'All this is right now is a goodbye, not a farewell. We'll bring them back, I promise.'

He falls in love with her all over again as he breaks down in her arms.

That night and the nights to come, those who did not perish in the battle against Alvatez would tell you that the strongest of them all was no longer the invincible Gildarts Clive or the great Laxus Dreyar - but the fragile Light of the Fairies.

She told him that there was never a farewell between any of them, just a goodbye.

She lied.

Funny how she was the one who rallied the remaining members of Fairy Tail.

Everyone had expected the Queen of Fairies to take over the deceased Makarov's role as guild master. But nobody anticipated that even the unconquerable Titania could be as defeated and broken as the rest of them. The death of her loved one struck her the hardest and left behind a shadow of the warrior she once was.

Seeing the strongest woman in Fiore lose hope was enough for most of them to follow suit as well. But his Luce never gave up. In a sudden act of courage, she took it upon herself to lead the remaining members of Fairy Tail. She wasn't as strong as Natsu or Erza or even Wendy, but that didn't matter to her. She gave them all she had; swallowed her tears and forced herself to keep on living for their future.

Lucy became the beacon of hope at the darkest of times.

(It turns out that Lucy was an alpha after all. Yes, she lacked in physical strength, but there was a reason why people started calling her the reincarnation of the Fairy Strategist. She plotted battle plans to take over their country back; she planned raids and small attacks against the Alvarian Empire; and bit by bit, she took over nearly half of the country right under the Spriggan 12's noses, without any of them noticing before it was too late.)

Two years after their defeat, all the remaining mages in Fiore had gathered for one final battle. Their enthusiasm and strength was at its peak; their forces albeit not as vast as the Alvarian Army was formidable and their supplies were more than abundant. They were ready.

But Lucy thought otherwise.

This caused a massive rebellion to occur in the ranks of the mages. Natsu and the rest of Fairy Tail tensed, preparing for the chaos that was bound to happen when Loke suddenly appeared - breathless and ranting about one of the Celestial Spells.

All of them had thought Loke was joking when he said that they could reverse time.

No, not they. Her. Luce.

She could borrow the ability of Saturn to turn back time the same way Loke borrows his Regulus powers.

He could still see the way her eyes lit up as they realized there was a way to reverse all the sorrow, all the sacrifices they've endured.

Hell, even he had agreed with Loke's insane plan for Lucy to travel to the celestial realm to learn how to wield the power of reversing time.

Nobody knew the consequences that would follow.

Nobody except her.

('To turn back time, one must offer something of equal value. Only life can pay for death.')

When she returned to Earthland three months later, Natsu recalled how pale and scared his partner looked.

He didn't hesitate to scoop her in his arms.

She was so cold. So fragile. Like she would break any moment.

(He realized too late that she wasn't breaking. She was being split in half for the decision she was forced to make; for the burden she was forced to carry alone. And goddammit he wasn't there for her when she needed him. He wasn't there for her. That alone broke him.)

She had buried her head in his neck, her uneven breath caressing his salmon locks at the base of his neck.

'I'm sorry...I-I'm so s-sorry,' she had cried, her entire body trembling with the force of her words. 'I-I can't...I can't do it...I-I-'

He remembers the deep breath she took to calm herself.

'I don't want to leave you,' she whispers.

He didn't understand a single thing of what was going on at the time.

(All he knows now is that he hates himself. He hates himself for being so stupid. For not understanding what was going through her mind and for not being smart enough to realize that she was going to do something stupid and brave. He should have been the one doing the stupidly brave stuff, not her.)

(She was supposed to be the one reprimanding him for whatever idiotic things he's done and patch him up with that stupid smile of hers and welcome him with that hug he misses so goddamn much.)

All he knew was that he was disappointed.

And the worst mistake of his life was letting his disappointment show.

He had reassured her that none of this was her fault.

They shouldn't have gotten their hopes too high after all.

Levy, Lisanna, Elfman, Bicklsow, Jellal, Makarov, Juvia...They would just have to accept the fact that they were dead. There's no bringing back a dead person.

But that didn't stop Gajeel, Mira, Laxus, Erza, Gray and the entire guild from hoping for a miracle.

It is ironic that it was hope that indirectly killed her.

Caused her to make a decision that would hurt them more than anything.

In the end, she made the choice to follow through with the spell, sacrificing herself for the hundreds and thousands of people who died in the Alvarez War.

She left everyone broken-hearted and guilty.

Some more so than others.

And for one particular dragon-slayer, she didn't leave with him with a broken heart, no.

She took his entire heart with her when she left.

He dreams of her, one day.

He dreams of her smile the night he cries himself to sleep.

He dreams of her warmth on her death anniversary.

He dreams that she is back, her fingers (warm, not cold) brushing his salmon hair back softly as his eyes blink open slowly.

He dreams of her silky, blonde hair passing through his fingers as he runs them through her hair.

He dreams of her familiar laughter ringing in his ears.

He dreams that she is in his arms once again, peppering his face with feather light kisses.

He dreams that he is crying, begging her to stay.

Come home, Luce. Please. I-I can't do this without you anymore.

Her smile falters a little and she raises her hand to his cheek, caressing it.

Oh, Natsu. I'm already home. I'm just waiting for you to let me in.

The next day, passers-by would smile at the sight of the resident fire dragon-slayer running to the guild with a face-splitting grin on his face for the first time after the sacrifice of his beloved Celestial Mage.

The baker who lives across the guild would swear to his wife that he saw a bright light shine below the floorboards of their house.

The florist who passes by Fairy Tail would tell her neighbour about the shouts and cries that came from the guild.

The council members would soon receive letters of complaints from Magnolian citizens with exasperated sighs once again.

And a certain pink-haired dragon slayer would be seen on the headlines of every newspaper in the country, causing trouble every where he goes. A blonde beauty never far behind.

'Farewell is just the beginning of another hello.'

So, how was it? Love it, hate it, wanna kill me for all the confusing stuff I'm blabbering about? Leave a review to let me know! Constructive criticism is always welcomed. :) By the way, I would love love love it if you guys checked out my other stories, like Appendicitis (Nalu one-shot with a super sexy British Natsu as a doctor), She Used To Be Mine (Lucy-centric one-shot with slight Nalu), Liar (Annalogia one-shot) and etc.

Clary out!