She is suddenly aware of her desire for him

across the table, next to him on the bus.
But it makes her shiver, the way
those shells split apart—like half-black

moons that gave off no light, only
shadows. And they were legion.

— Katherine Larson, from "Low Tide Evening," Radial Symmetry

She wants to ruin their friendship.

Doesn't. She doesn't.

She forgets negatives particles. Can only think of truths, the facts. She has known him for many years. Has grown by his side, knows of his habits and temper and the curve of his eyes. Has given him gifts, has met his girlfriends, has helped him grieve for lost relatives. He laughs at her jokes and picks her up at work when it's raining. Loves her outfits and the color of her hair. She knows what he had for dinner most nights, and sends him texts when he can't sleep, which happens a lot, causing her to not sleep and consequently cover-up her dark eyes with make-up the following day. He's her best friend. He's about to get engaged.

She's in love with him.

The jealousy burns, corrodes her, makes her feel like a monster. She dresses in pinks and whites but she's a monster, she wants her away, off, gone. Sometimes she has to force her own hands down, on her lap, clasped, painfully, as to not pull his fiancée's hair and wipe the smile off her face.

She knows Yeon A is going to take him away. She doesn't know why, she just knows. She's supposed to be happy, she's supposed to be supportive, just like he was when she was scammed and heartbroken and penniless. She owes him that much, owes him so much. But she can't stop thinking of the way he licks his lips before he smiles at her, the fiancée, the promised one. The way he leans towards her, Go Ha Jin, when he thinks she's keeping a secret from him. His eyes. The way he plays the piano. His hands.

Please don't leave me.

It's so textbook, so cliché, Go Ha Jin hates it. You don't know what you have until you've lost it, such bullshit, such a goddamn joke for superstitious teenagers who thought the world ended when your crush liked someone else and that is exactly how she feels. Like a teenager. Like she's seventeen in an unfunny movie about self-discovery and falling in love. She's not even sure she knows what love is. What it feels like. She had assumed it meant the joy of a kiss in cold nights or hearing the word love whispered against your ear. She was wrong.

Love is an open faucet and every possible feeling that pours out. Overwhelming, uncontrollable, loud. It's remembering things that happened ten years before when you don't even care what happened ten years ago. It's his hands wrapping his scarf around your neck because dummy, I can't believe you forgot again. It's the mystery of his lips, their color, what they would taste like. It's his cologne that she smells on her pillow when it's supposed to smell of something else, she works with soaps and perfumes but no matter how much she tries, she can only smell him. It's hating yourself. Wanting to cry when the only person who can comfort you is him.

Please look at me.

She knows Yeon A hates her, feels threatened by her, like she gives off a scent that is easily picked up by the other woman. A foul stench. Yeon A wrinkles her nose at her at any given opportunity. Hyun Woo doesn't see it. He's so smart and intuitive and he doesn't see a damn thing. She's glad. She's sad. She still wants to cry.

He takes her out for lunch and notices she barely eats. She takes advantage of it, of him, wraps her arm around his and rests her head on his shoulder and tells him she just feels a little (love)sick. He walks with her like they had done so many times in their lives, takes her to look at kittens in the park to make her smile, to make her laugh. She does, but the tears are right on the corners of her eyes, her stomach hurts, she holds his hand. He looks so good that day, and she's not sure if it's because of his clothes or her eyes. She thinks about the boy he used to be, how easily embarrassed he was around her when they met, she was too pretty and he was too shy. How did they become friends anyway? In our early years it has no explanation, just the flow of time and the way they stay by our side, exchanging songs and notes and umbrellas. Ditching class together, taking one another to the infirmary to sleep because there was a fight at Hyun Woo's home again and he couldn't sleep. Playing scary games together and falling asleep in each other's presence, safe, sound. Talking about dreams.

I want to make you happy.

He buys her a flower, just a single one, and it's her favorite. He thinks it'll cheer her up but it doesn't, the smile isn't happiness, it's longing. She hugs him and he doesn't quite understand why, he just knows there's something wrong and nothing seems to work. She selfishly basks in his worry, knowing that every second he spends with her is a second he spends way from her and it's so petty and unlike herself. There's good in everyone, there's good in Yeon A, she makes him laugh. She hates fighting with him, more than anything, only does it with good reason but she can't justify it to him, not wanting him to marry Yeon A, without a confession. He expects her to be honest, it's all she ever was, honest and just and outspoken. The truth is an envelope inside her heart, with words she can't say.

"I'm tired," is what she says, hugging him, holding his flower. A peony. He always remembers her favorite things.

He takes her to his home and plays her a song on his piano. Another favorite. He can play aggressive pieces and cheerful pieces but mostly they both love melancholy pieces the best, and his fingertips form poems, a field full of her favorite flowers under the moonlight. She loves the images, sees them even with her eyes open, and on that day she hears him hum along with the melody. Sweet. Comforting. Stop it. I can't.

Her hands tremble when she holds the teacup and he takes it from her, sets it down. There's so much in his eyes at that moment that she can't look away so she just reaches out. Brushes his bangs away from his eyes. He tells her you can cry if you want and she does, cries against his chest, holds onto him for dear life. They almost fall down from the couch so he just moves them both to the floor, holds her between his legs, they look like lovers, he lets her cry, the air is filled with the music of her pain and his whispers.

When she stops he wipes away her tears, laughs. "Ah, my Ha Jin sure can cry," and the fondness fills her, she can't look away from him. She thinks I don't want to lose our friendship as she draws closer, cups his face, she's on her knees and looking at him from above. She thinks I don't want to lose you the moment their lips meet, her hair blocking the light from showing her mistake. She hears him inhale but she can't stop anymore, she knows she's ruined everything, so she just moves again, opens her mouth, takes his lips between hers. She shivers when his hands find her middle, the hands she's wanted to hold, the fingers she wanted laced with hers, to touch her, knowing he'll use them to push her away and then it'll all be over, them, her.

With her eyes closed, she's struck by a memory. An image. A touch of lips by a lake. The feel of his arms around her.

Neither of them are breathing so she knows time is tricking her, she's half-aware of it, more aware of her weight against him and how his arms are really around her, how she's being supported so she doesn't fall, her arms falling helplessly around his shoulders.

She remembers more than she feels him pulling her flush against him, those beloved hands caressing her face with adoration, with so much love it made her love him so. She hears his voice, speaking to her, I am yours, but she can still feel his lips against hers and they hadn't moved, not to speak. She tightens a hand around the fabric of his shirt when she hears, You belong to me. She's scared then, she moves back, not too much, until he tucks her hair behind her ear so he can look at her, eyes quite open and alarmed. From that distance, she can see every speckle of color in his irises, her attention trailing down, her mind thinking there should be a scar here. He has a scar. My love has a scar.

"Hae...Soo...?"

He's looking for something in her, or maybe he's found it already. His hand is in her hair again, hair that should be black and not red, but it doesn't matter, it doesn't. The force of his gaze makes her close her eyes, and her feelings of possession don't feel so heavy anymore, not with her forehead against his, his nose touching hers and his mouth reaching for hers in a happy return. He pulls her in and kisses her, and she has the knowledge of his needs, his urgency, his hunger. Ah, she thinks, I've made him wait again, and it makes no sense until he calls her again. Soo. Soo-yah.

That's right...

The force of his kiss steals her dominance, he overpowers her, leads her down, his hand protecting the back of her head from any impact, the other on her waist. They're both breathless, time, time is against them, she didn't think she'd ever know what his kiss felt like but he's devouring her. Desperate. Like he hasn't kissed her in years.

I...

Her prince. Her king.

I traveled in time...

They part, more necessity than want. She looks up at him, the man she knows better than anyone, the man who knows her better than anyone. She grew up with him, watched him grow as well, beautiful, kind, so eager to make her laugh when she needs. Her best friend, her best person, her...

"...So? Wang So?"

He smiles, an unbelieving smile. She knows it from when he won prizes he didn't think he would win. She also knows it from the lake, from the kiss she stole from him, the complete happiness he showed her when he knew his feelings were finally returned, had been returned for a long, long time. From the exact moment she touched his skin, his scar, she saw the trust in his eyes and couldn't let go. Gwangjong had scared her but oh, oh Wang So. She was scared of him the most, the way she felt compelled to him. The way a part of her wanted him back. Time had always been on her side, after all.

He kisses her again, sweetly, adoringly. She knows the tilt of his head and the warmth of his touch, she welcomes him, invites him, encourages him. There's Go Ha Jin, who's happy to be kissed back, to unbutton her blouse and give herself to him and there's Hae Soo, who forgives and feels forgiven, who's brought to life for the ending she wished to the stars.

He tells her to wait shortly after they're finished and leaves. Go Ha Jin is confused, scared. Hae Soo has faith but Go Ha Jin is still the best friend who took a leap bigger than her legs could take and it dawns upon her, more and more with each passing minute he's gone.

She rushes to the door the moment she hears it opening and she's greeted with a huge bouquet of peonies. He gives it to her and he gives her the ring. The ring that was almost someone else's, hers, again. He slips it on her finger and it fits as if it was always meant for her from the beginning.

"Ah, but..."

She's happy but scared, scared she's not his Hae Soo, this was a whole new life. They were different, the same but different, same love but different time and place and connection. He kisses her forehead like he's her prince again, who loved to comfort her and support her even when everything seemed dim and distant and she felt out of place. Who had loved Go Ha Jin when she pretended to be Hae Soo.

"It was always supposed to be you, Ha Jin," he speaks and speaks her name, grounding her, guiding her after the leap. "I just never thought... Never thought you'd want me."

"But you know now," she says, incapable of being away from him, hugging him tightly, holding his flowers, she had been looking for him through a storm and now she's sheltered, happy, complete.

"I love you," he confesses, he's always the one to confess first, and she loves him more for it, as if it was even possible. "For this life and the last."

"I'm sorry," she says, out of place, and he has to look at her, a confused smile making him all the more endearing.

"For what?"

"For making you wait again."

She tries to give him many kisses, on the cheek, on the nose, on the lips, and she has to be on her tiptoes the whole time. He leans towards her affection but it's not the same, she finds she likes it better when she can sit on his lap and shower him with the affection she has been holding in for two lifetimes.

"I love you."

It's the first time she says it and she loves the way it makes him blush, makes him shine.

Her prince, her Wang So, her best friend.

She says it a second, third, fourth time. So he knows it. Believes it. Lives it.

Truly, I can love you all I want.