Disclaimer: Plot armor. Even when you're actively trying to lose, you still win.

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In order to protest beng forced to attend, Harry decided to take finding a date to the Yule Ball in a different direction. The first thing he did was ask Dumbledore to ask each member of the staff what they honestly thought of him, and to write down what they said the next time he held a staff meeting. Curious as to why Harry requested he do so, Harry mentioned that he was just curious. While most of the teachers declined, citing that they didn't know him well enough beyond classes to give an accurate opinion, a few of them did give an opinion. When he received the notes, and he even admitted to being shocked that Dumbledore and the staff went along with it, Harry put the next phase of his plan into motion.

The next evening at dinner, after he'd finished his meal, Harry stood on top of one of the benches at the Gryffindor Table in the Great Hall.

"Excuse me, if I can have everyone's attention." Harry called out, gaining the attention of everyone in the hall. "It has come to my attention that regardless of the fact that I wish to attend the Yule Ball about as much as I wanted to participate in this tournament, much like my participation in the latter, I don't have much of a choice in the matter.

It was also brought to my attention that as a Champion, I have to not only have a date, but participate in the opening dance, and pretend that I'm enjoying myself the entire night. As such, instead of going about this the traditional way, I've decided to protest by doing something ridiculously obscene and unnecessary just because I know it'll annoy certain people. I felt I should warn you to keep in mind that I'm a terrible dancer, and you'll likely need to wear steeltoed boots that clash horribly with your dress robes. I wouldn't want to hurt anyone, you know."

Hermione could be seen shaking her head into her hands, while his dorm mates were trying to hold in their laughter.

"Now then, anyone who would be willing to attend the ball with an attention seeking, glory hound, whose as arrogant and spoiled as his lowlife father," Harry paused. "-wow, thanks for the glowing endorsement professor. Well, anyone interested in that guy, see Professor Snape. If you would prefer an annoyingly mischievous young man, who could be near the top of his year if he'd put half as much effort into his studies as he did into getting into trouble," Again Harry paused. "-hmm, that might bear some looking into, although it should be noted that trouble usually finds me, not the other way around. Anyway, see Professor McGonagall for that guy. See Madam Pomphrey if you're interested in going with an accident prone, danger magnet, who can't seem to avoid mischief even if he tried. Well, I can't really argue with that."

By this time, snickers in the hall could be heard, and they were swiftly growing into full blown laughter. The twins were about two steps away from bowing to Harry for such a marvelous prank. Dumbledore's eyes were blinding in his mirth, Crouch was turning a shade of puce that would make his uncle jealous, and the aforementioned professors were displaying various amusing reactions.

"See Moody to attend with the biggest set of brass balls he's ever...seen. ...Yeah, I think I'll just skip that one. There are so many ways for that to be taken badly, especially considering that eye can probably see under clothes. Anyway, see Professor Trelawny for a poor lad whose likely not going to see the end of the year. On a side note, she also recommends that either my date, or some charitable witch have intercourse with me by the start of the third task, as that will be the last chance I have. Huh. I was expecting the morbid prediction, but I did not see that last part coming at all. Guess my inner eye is just as bad as my normal ones without my glasses."

A snort of laughter came from somewhere indistinguishable.

"Well, there you have it." Harry said, just above the laughing in the hall. "Interested parties should see the corresponding professors. I await any replies, but won't hold my breath, especially for replies of the positive nature. Thank you for your time."

Harry sat back down, and began snacking on a piece of ham. That was all the fourth year boys could take, and they burst out laughing, as did Fred and George. The hall soon followed into riotous chaos, mostly at Trelawny's declaration, and laughter consumed a majority of the attendees.

"Masterful prank Harry-" George started.

"-truly inspired." Fred responded.

"Well, I've always been in the spotlight for something, this tournament and its pony shows are no exception, and it's usually at my expense." Harry said. "So I figured why not get a bit of fun out of the situation, and take control of things for once? Besides, everyone got a good laugh out of it, and I got one over on Snape."

"Harry, you realize with that attitude that no one is going to want to go with you." Hermione said, once he'd finished talking. After the brunette's statement, Harry could see more people paying attention to how he answered.

"That was kind of the point." Harry said. "I actually don't wanna go, so I don't really care if anyone responds. I'd honestly be shocked if anyone did."

"What if someone does?" Hermione said. "You can't expect everyone to be turned away by your blase` attitude, and I bet someone might be curious enough to call your bluff." Leave it to her to plan for eventualities.

"If by some freak accident of nature, someone actually does express interest in going with me, then I'll put aside my aversion to attending, and be the best date I can possibly be. But that's all hypothetical, right Hermione?"

"More than likely." She grumbled.

"Besides, the tournament contract says that I had to have a partner to dance the first dance with. They didn't specify anything beyond that. I figure I'll take Winky to mess with Crouch, or ask Myrtle...I think she might still fancy me enough to accept. If not, I'll come alone, hopefully find someone to dance with me that one time, then bail when no one's looking."

"What am I going to do with you, Harry Potter?" Harry shrugged.

"You could always marry me, and save me the trouble of dating." Harry replied, to which Hermione rolled her eyes. "Doesn't hurt to ask. You want to know what the best part is, though? I asked Dumbledore to ask and record the honest opinions of the Professors, so that's honestly what they thought."

"Wow, can't believe Trelawny thinks you should get laid." Seamus said.

"I know." Harry said. "And to think that I was starting to not like her for predicting my death every class. Still, considering I'm going to die on the 24 of June, I guess she felt it prudent to mention." Harry grinned. "Though if she's right, after today, I'm likely to be the only famous person to never get laid before he dies."

"I don't know, Harry." Dean said. "I'm betting that if Trelawney's prediction were to make Witch Weekly, the school would be swarmed by women and girls wanting to bed you, and ensure the Boy-Who-Lived doesn't die a virgin."

"The sad thing is, he's probably right." Hermione grumbled. "Though I will admit it might be amusing to see who would actually step up to your rather sad attempt at finding a date."

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To the group's utter shock, there were actually several potential dates from all the houses that sought out the teachers. There was even a group of Beauxbatons girls that sought McGonagall and Pomphrey having mistook Harry's being a danger magnet for being a bad boy which they thought was pretty sexy.

The most surprising of all the potentials was Tracey Davis, who approached Snape. She'd been highly amused with the way he went about it, and had decided to put herself in the running. When questioned by a furious Snape, as well as several of her housemates why she was going on a date with Potter, she gave them all the same answer. Even if he was an attention seeking, glory hound, whose as arrogant and spoiled as his lowlife father, what difference would it be to dating any of the boys in her own house?

When Harry chose her to be his date, he admitted it was a blatant shot at Snape. To his shock, Tracey even found that to be amusing, and even more shocking was that he had a good time with her.

Meeting her in the Entrace Hall outside the ball's location, his opening salvo of knowing he should have refused to attend unless he was allowed to take one of the teachers rather than leave things to chance, made his date laugh. That she responded to his tease by telling him he should have, and that it's something she would have paid to see, broke the ice nicely.