Note: This update includes Chapters 11 and 12.

Warnings: Some angst. Unsettling imagery. Major spoilers for the Doctor Who 2015 Christmas Special "The Husbands of River Song". However, I took a fair amount of artistic license.

** Some dialogue in this chapter was taken directly from the episode. It belongs to the BBC and its writer, Steven Moffat.

CHAPTER 12

Years and years passed by before the Doctor found River again. It happened when he least expected it.

This time there was no call. No invitation. They found themselves on the same planet at the same time, just by chance.

She was deeply involved in a plot to steal a diamond, but not any diamond. The Halassi Androvar, the most valuable diamond in the universe. For that, she had actually married another man, the so called King Hydroflax of Mendorax.

When the Doctor found out what she'd done, it was as if someone had cut his chest open with a kitchen knife to rip out one of his hearts.

He'd had a brief experience with this… emotion… before. It happened the day Rose Tyler met Jack Harkness for the first time. He was jealous, though he wouldn't admit it. But that was child's play compared with what he was feeling just now, knowing that River, his River was Hydroflax's wife, having to witness her kissing the guy, snuggling with him, being as playful as she had always been to him…

He could barely hold himself back from punching Hydroflax on the face, many, many times, until he bled and cried. Take River away and never come back.

The worst part was that she didn't seem to recognize him.

He thought it was a joke, at first. But when he saw the obliviousness in her eyes, he knew she wasn't lying. Just for a moment, he wondered if she was always like this, when he wasn't around. How many other men…?

Of course, River knew the Doctor. When she saw the Tardis it meant no surprise. She even figured using it as her escape plan. Borrow the thing for a while, then put it back. According to her, it wouldn't even be the first time. The Time Lord never noticed it before.

For some reason, she knew all of his faces… except for this one. And it hurt him, badly.

Was that how she felt –how she would feel– at the Library when his younger self didn't recognize her? Was she as sad and disappointed then, as he was right now?

He had to put his feelings aside, just like she had done the very first time he met her. He helped her to steal the diamond and run away in the Tardis. He even feigned surprise at the fact that the blue timber box was bigger on the inside.

They ended up in a passenger ship, the Starship Harmony, where she would meet a prospective buyer for the diamond.

While they were waiting at a table in the luxurious dining room, River brought out her diary. He noticed it was almost full. Saddened, she expressed that this fact worried her, because the person who gave it to her was 'the sort of man who'd know exactly how long a diary you were going to need'.

Little did she know that the potential customer who had answered her advert was one of King Hydroflax's most faithful followers, a mercenary named Scratch. This had all been carefully designed as a trap… for her.

The Doctor's ability to regenerate and change faces was no secret and Hydroflax sought using that to his advantage. He knew River was –or had been– the Doctor's consort. The woman he loved. She would be the perfect lure to catch the Time Lord.

With the Doctor standing right next to her, she laughed at this notion. She wasn't lying when she said she didn't have the faintest idea where he was.

*"The Doctor does not and has never loved me. I'm not lying," she said.

"My information is correct," Scratch argued. "You are the woman who loves the Doctor."

"Yes, I am. I've never denied it. But whoever said he loved me back? He's the Doctor. He doesn't go around falling in love with people. And if you think he's anything that small or that ordinary, then you haven't the first idea of what you're dealing with."

"Your Majesty, I assure you, she is the perfect bait," the mercenary insisted. "When this woman is in danger, the Doctor will always come."

"Oh, you are a moron," she laughed. "No, he won't."

"He's probably already here. Possibly on this ship."

"Well, go on, scan it then. Go on, why don't you? Two hearts, stupid clothes, you can't miss him."

"River…" the Time Lord tried to say.

"Go on, scan the whole parsec!" she went on, ignoring him. Unshed tears made her voice coarse. "He's not here. God knows where he is right now, but I promise you, he's doing whatever the hell he wants and not giving a damn about me! And I'm just fine with that."

"River…"

"When you love the Doctor, it's like loving the stars themselves. You don't expect a sunset to admire you back. And if I happen to find myself in danger, let me tell you, the Doctor is not stupid enough, or sentimental enough, and he is certainly not in love enough to find himself standing in it with me!"

When her eyes met the Time Lord's, the penny dropped at last.

"Hello, sweetie…"* he smiled.

In the end, the Doctor didn't really have to worry about River. She had studied carefully every possible outcome to this adventure. She had planned what would be her way out, to the last detail. After all, she was a time traveller, and an Archaeologist. She knew in advance there would be a meteor storm. The Starship Harmony would be destroyed, very soon.

As the first scorching rocks hit the hull damaging it beyond repair, the couple managed to get into the Tardis, just in time. However, when the Harmony crash-landed in a remote, virtually deserted planet, the force of impact hauled the little timber box, forcing it to land violently, too.

They ended up unconscious on the floor, stunned, but not badly hurt. The Doctor was the first one to recover and after checking on River, making sure she was alright, he needed to see what had happened outside.

When he carefully opened the Tardis' doors, he found himself in the middle of the Harmony's smouldering wreckage. There were rescue crews looking for survivors everywhere. And when he saw what was in the background, he didn't need to ask for the name of this planet.

Right in front of him stood two colossal red stone pillars, in precarious balance next to each other, in the middle of the desert. The wind blowing between the nooks and crevices of the ancient rocks created an astonishing sound, a music he'd never heard before. The towers were singing. He was in Darillium at last, after centuries and centuries of avoidance.

He couldn't help but to feel a painful emptiness in the pit of his stomach, as he listened to their sad song.

River's time had finally come.

But if he had to say goodbye, he would do it with a bang.

He found an unsuspecting rescue worker and suggested that the location was perfect to build a bar, a luxurious one, with a perfect view of the towers. It would turn the ravaged planet into a tourist attraction for the galaxy. The worker argued that he would need a lot of money to start. The Doctor simply gave him the diamond.

Using the Tardis, he moved ahead in time, to find that his request had been fulfilled. Four years after the impact, a buoyant city had grown around him and the richest bar in that solar system had been built, right in the western border, facing the imposing desert and the Singing Towers. In fact, some of the crash survivors were working there. He wasn't overly surprised when he found out that the next available slot for the balcony table would be Christmas Eve 5367, in five years' time. He thought it was not a problem and made the reservation.

When River woke up, the Doctor was waiting for her at the best table available on the whole planet. He was wearing a crisp white shirt, black tie and suit. And for the first time, he had a Christmas gift for her. A sonic screwdriver.

She was radiant. And she probably thought he didn't notice such little things as her rhinestone embroidered red velvet dress, or the way it enhanced her body. Her golden curly hair, tied up in an elegant bun and framing her lovely face and bright eyes. Her full red lips, that had poisoned him one day, but had owned him forever...

As they sat in the balcony, enjoying their drinks and witnessing the sunset behind the Singing Towers, he silently cried. He didn't want her to notice, but when she did, he pretended they were tears of joy for the unbelievable music.

However, there was no way he could deceive River, even if this face was new for her. And she was still worried about the few pages left in her diary. She mentioned she'd heard rumors that this would be their last night together. She asked him, if that was the case, to find a way out, as he always did. To save the day and laugh out loud as they both jumped into the Tardis and flew across the universe, yet again.

The Doctor scolded her, because looking into one's own future could lead to disaster.

*"Every night is the last night for something," he simply said. "Every Christmas is the last Christmas. Times end, River, because they have to. Because there's no such thing as happy ever after. It's just a lie we tell ourselves because the truth is so hard."

"No, Doctor, you're wrong. Happy ever after doesn't mean forever. It just means time. A little time. So, assuming tonight is all we have left…"

"I didn't say that."

"How long is a night on Darillium?"

"Twenty four years."

River laughed and cried at the same time.

"I hate you," she whispered.

"No, you don't, "* he stated, with a smile.

The Doctor had lived for more than 2500 earthly years. Yet he could say, with no fear of being wrong, that this was, at the same time, the happiest and saddest night of his life.

It was the day his timeline finally matched River's.

It also was the last time he would be with her.

Twenty four years was a lifetime for some. For him, it was nothing but the blink of an eye. He dreaded dawn, knowing full well that there was no escape from it this time.

When the couple left the bar, there was a thin rosy line in the horizon, to the east. Soon, the sun would paint the entire city and the towers in lovely shades of pink and orange, but for now, night was still clinging to the sky. The buildings around the bar shone with millions of electrical stars, making them almost as bright as day.

"It's a lovely city, this one," River said with a small smile, trying to break the awkward silence that had invaded them since they left the venue. She was wearing the Doctor's jacket, to shield her from the early morning cold. "Who knew it was going to grow so much, so quickly?"

"That's human nature," the Doctor said wistfully. "Give humans an empty rock and soon they'll turn it into their home. They have done so for millennia."

"This place is so bright… it reminds me of Las Vegas."

"Does it? Never been there."

River chuckled.

"Are you serious?" She asked skeptically.

"I am."

"Amazing. A place the Doctor has never seen before. That's something new. And what a place. You have to go there some day. You'd love it, I promise!"

"Oh yes. I'm sure."

When they reached the Tardis, she was going to give him his jacket back. He motioned her not to.

"Keep it," he said. "It looks better on you."

"Well, thank you."

Just for a moment, the Time Lord toyed with the idea of taking her away. Change her story. Challenge the whole of time and space. Visit Las Vegas together, without caring about anything else. Keep her as far as he could from that goddamned Library, forever.

But he knew what the consequences of that action could be. He'd probably end up erasing River entirely from the universe, and half of it with her. Maybe, even himself.

"Care for a lift?" He had to try, even if he knew what the answer would be.

"No. Thanks anyway. I want to stay in the city a bit longer. And I'm sure you have a lot of things to do. A lot of worlds to save."

He nodded… and there it was the awkward silence once more. He swallowed, but the lump in his throat wouldn't budge.

"Doctor…"

"It's alright, River. You'll see me again, I promise," barely coping.

Suddenly, she hugged him.

This incarnation loathed hugs. But this time… this time he needed it. He needed it to hide, from her. To not show her the immense pain, the sorrow that seemed to be breaking both his hearts in pieces. He needed it to save her scent, her touch, her warmth into his memory, once she was gone.

"Goodbye, Doctor."

"River Song, I…"

This was one mistake he wasn't going to repeat.

"I love you," he finished. "Goodbye."

When they let go, just for a second she could see him struggling not to cry. Then, amazingly, he managed to look at her in the eye and smile.

That had to be the most difficult thing he had done in his whole life.

Sweetly, she smiled back. After that, she turned around and walked away, the same way she had done so many times before.

It was so ironic…

There he was. The Last of the Time Lords, with all of time and space at his feet… and now, he would've given anything… everything just for a little more time by her side. He regretted deeply the countless years they spent away from each other, mostly because of him.

He stood in the chilly Darillium morning, looking at her lovely figure until she disappeared from his sight.

Only then, he went back into the Tardis, closing the door slowly behind him.

Feeling suddenly lightheaded, he had to lean on the door not to fall. Closing his eyes, he swallowed again, but the lump in his throat seemed like an alien parasite that had taken root there, never to go away.

He didn't know for how long he remained there, just like that, with the glimpses of her life that he had swirling in his mind… her tease, her charm, her smile…

Her sacrifice. The place where it all started… and ended at the same time.

Life, destiny or the universe had taken everything away from him… again.

Unexpectedly, his sadness and helplessness turned into something else. A deep anger… an impossible madness he'd never felt before.

How many more times would he end up loving someone only to lose them in the most painful way?

How many more times would he be forced to endure this pain?

He opened his eyes and sighed. Calmly, he walked to the console, where he entered some coordinates he knew by heart into the computer. Next, he pressed a few buttons, checked a couple of gauges and pulled the lever that would bring the Tardis' engine to life.

For a moment the ship shuddered and whined. The lights flickered… and then everything stood still.

He frowned so hard that it was almost painful. Then, he tried moving the lever once more. Nothing happened.

"What are you doing?" He mumbled angrily.

He tried pulling it for the third time, but again it was useless.

"AARGHHH! Stop this!" He growled.

He punched the console with so much force that he left a dent on the metal. The knuckles of his right hand started bleeding, but he didn't care.

"Stop THIS!" He yelled. "You're MY fucking Tardis! You will do as you're TOLD! You'll take me anywhere I want to go! NOW!"

He pulled the lever once more, so furiously that he nearly tore it out of its base.

There was a brief silence, but then the familiar sound of the engine flooded the control room as the ship took off, humming and rattling softly… almost gloomily.

The Doctor didn't say another word. He simply stood there, glowering, with his right fist bleeding and pulsating painfully by his side.

It didn't take long at all for the Tardis to reach its destination.

As soon as the engine stopped, the heavy silence reigned again.

The Doctor found himself looking at the closed door and a shadow of a doubt crossed his mind. For a moment he thought about leaving… forgiving and forgetting… but he just couldn't. His present incarnation was totally different from the one who came to this place before. Right now, a deep gash in his soul was wide open, hurting so much more than any other wound he would've ever had in his flesh. His rage, suffering and desire for revenge were much greater than any empathy, kindness or common sense.

He exhaled longingly when he snapped his fingers to open the Tardis' door, just like River had taught him.

As soon as that happened, an unmistakable smell of ancient precious woods, dust and books invaded his nostrils. All of a sudden, the repressed memories of what transpired in this place all those years ago resurfaced, giving him goose bumps.

He stepped out of the time machine... and into the Library.

He found himself in the middle of the great hall, right in front of the magnificent staircase that lead to the second level, where the computer room was. A warm glow shone through many large skylight windows on the high ceiling, where he could see a projection of a stunning earthly blue sky with a pink full moon. On the luxurious marble floor, there was a massive compass rose, surrounded by several timber shelves, each one of them holding countless editions of every book in the universe.

This would've been exactly like the first time, except for the fact that now there was no one there, accompanying him. No one to ease his sorrow or his pain. No one to tell him that everything was going to be alright, in the end.

No one to stop this utter insanity.

He pursed his lips and heaved a sigh, yearning for the only past that he could never change. His own.

When he walked up the stairs, he had already made up his mind.

The wooden steps creaked softly under his weight, breaking the silence that had governed this place for endless centuries. There was a subtle change of light, like clouds passing through the sky in a summer day. He looked around, smiling wryly.

They know I'm here, he thought. Good.

Slowly, he opened the door to the computer chamber.

The moment he did it, the sneer disappeared from his face. The lump in his throat came back with a vengeance, threatening to choke him once more.

Of course he knew what he was going to find, but never in his wildest dreams had he imagined that one day he'd be back. No matter how vivid his memories were. To actually be here was very different.

It all was exactly as he left it.

Right in the middle of the room was the main computer. He could feel an almost imperceptible whir coming from the central processing unit, which amazingly had kept working even after all this time, powered by the energy of a small star. River's sonic screwdriver, which he'd used briefly to store her consciousness along with those of her friends, was still plugged in.

"Hello, sweetie…" He muttered, almost waiting for an answer.

Slumped on the floor next to the computer, was the skeleton of one of River's companions, Anita. She was still wearing her space suit and looked spookily like she had just dropped dead.

The handcuffs that prevented him from taking River's place as she made the ultimate sacrifice were still attached to the pipe, and on the ground, where he'd left it honouring his promise not to read it, was her diary.

He swallowed.

This chamber was nothing but a haunting display of his absolute incompetence.

I'm sorry, he thought, unable to forget every single one of the lives lost here. Every single one of his failures.

He picked the diary from the floor, but didn't open it. Here and now, he felt grateful for having something that belonged to her, even if it was only for a few moments. Being able to touch it was more than he could've hoped, at the end of all things. He embraced the worn blue notebook poignantly, imagining for a few seconds her beautiful smile as she wrote in it.

Around the Doctor the lights changed again. In the corner of his eye, he could see shadows moving.

They were getting closer. Time was running out.

He went to the computer. As soon as he pressed a key, the whole system came to life.

"I am Courtesy Node seven one zero slash aqua. Welcome. Please enjoy the Library." A female mechanical voice said, prompting a shiver down his spine. It was the same he had heard all those years ago, when he came for the first time.

A blue screen lit up and some data rolled on it, but the Doctor didn't really pay attention. He just kept staring at River's sonic screwdriver.

Suddenly, he realized he didn't want her consciousness to remain locked inside this mainframe anymore. No matter how absurd it was, or how ephemeral. He knew it didn't make any sense, but he needed to release her and her friends, even if it was only for a short time. If they were all going to die, at least in the end they'd be free.

He left the diary on the side and started typing frantically.

He just had decided to download River and her friends, including Charlotte.

A black and green progress bar appeared at the bottom of the screen, showing 1% done. In the meantime, the Doctor's hands kept flying across the keyboard. His bloodied knuckles hurt like hell, but he didn't care.

He couldn't see the enemy. No one could. However, he could feel them getting closer and closer, catching his smell. The hair on the nape of his neck stood on end, while the progress bar reached 40%.

Come on…

50%

He used his sonic screwdriver to make some adjustments.

72... 85... 97%...

He felt cold. They were all around him.

100%.

"Download complete," the female computerized voice said.

The Doctor quickly retrieved River's sonic screwdriver and put it in his pocket. Then, he picked the old blue notebook once again and smiled.

He turned around with River's diary in one hand and his own sonic screwdriver in the other, holding it menacingly, as if it was a gun.

"Autodestruct enabled in twenty minutes." The computer announced, exactly like it did all those years ago. The Doctor now had the upper hand. His little smile turned into a wide grin, as he walked through the door and started going down the stairs solemnly.

If River had been there with him, she would've said that what happened to her was nothing but an accident. It was a glitch of the computer and her own will what had killed her. Not the Vashta Nerada. But he was blinded by his hatred and his grief. He wouldn't have listened, anyway.

He had to destroy them.

He could see the Tardis at the bottom of the stairs for a few moments before a horrifying, unnatural darkness circled him.

Clenching his teeth, he held the diary firmly against his chest.

"Times end," he whispered and exhaled.

Then, he pressed a button on his screwdriver. The tool emitted a green flash and a single buzz.

"Autodestruct enabled in 3 seconds. Two. One."

And then the Library blew out of the sky.

He was brutally thrusted into the air amid a mounting blaze. Every bone in his body broke apart at the same time, causing him unspeakable agony. Within seconds, he could see red flames ravaging the Tardis and engulfing whatever was left of the planet. He could smell his own hair and skin as they were consumed by fire. He was even able to hear the atrocious wail of the Vashta Nerada, burning alongside him in the hell he'd created…

He just closed his eyes, waiting for death to finally reach him.

But he wasn't so lucky.

At some stage, he thought he heard the sound of the Tardis.

He barely opened his eyes, to find himself lying prone on the metal floor of the console room, with no idea of how or why he'd ended up there.

He was shattered… but alive.

This was yet another failure.

The Tardis clattered and shifted harshly as it soared across the Time Vortex, faster than light, stumbling. Running away from the desolation the Doctor had caused. There was extensive fire damage, debris and ashes all over the place. Part of it was still burning, the flames lighting up the otherwise dark place. Outside, the destruction was most probably worse.

No.

Within seconds, a well-known, warm, golden resplendence arose all around the Time Lord like a cloud, quickly enveloping every inch of his injured body.

Regeneration energy.

"Please n…no," he moaned miserably. A single tear ran down the side of his blackened face and got lost on the floor. "I d-don't want it…"

Yes. Regenerations were excruciating. They hurt like millions of red-hot needles stinging from inside, all at the same time. However, he knew from experience that the torment would never last longer than he could endure it, and when it was all over, there'd be bliss. Any pain would be much less than the one he was facing right now, anyway. And when it was gone, he would find himself in a brand new, healthy body.

The prospect of getting relief for his pain was overwhelmingly tempting… like a drug, in a way.

It was his blessing and his curse.

"N-no..."

He tried to be brave and hold back. He really did… but he simply couldn't. His need for respite was much stronger than his will to die. Feeling incredibly guilty, weak and insignificant, for the thirteenth time in his existence he let himself be taken over by the light of life that only Time Lords had mastered.

For a couple of seconds, his agony reached unsuspected limits.

"AAAHHH!"

And then, in a heartbeat, he changed.

His physical pain disappeared instantly, along with the golden remnants of his healing energy.

In the midst of the broken Tardis, he got on all fours, gasping for air and looking around with wide eyes.

He had always been particularly sensitive to the side effects of the Regeneration process, especially those that had to do with his brain cells. Every time a Time Lord –or Lady– underwent this transformation, their neurons were completely 'rearranged'. This didn't only mean a personality change. In many cases, it could lead to altered perceptions, disorientation and temporary or even permanent memory loss. In previous Regenerations, he apparently had lost entire decades worth of recollections.

But that didn't happen this time.

Today, every single one of his memories came back, as clear and powerful as the day they took place.

For any other Time Lord, this would've been the most valuable of the gifts. For him… it was but a burden.

Of course, there was a lot of good things in his past. He couldn't deny it. However, there were many bad things too, and in his scales those were much, much heavier.

Unforgivable, indeed.

The first and foremost was River's passing. Even now, the Doctor couldn't bring himself to understand that he had lost her the day he met her. That there would never be a way to change her destiny, no matter how far or for how long he tried to run. That he would always have to regret the time and chances they lost. Everything that could have ever been… if only he hadn't been so stubborn…

After that, his responsibility over the devastation of the Library. The fact that, once again, the darkness within had won, turning him into what he hated the most: A ruthless creature that went against all of his principles, even going as far as giving up his own life in order to carry out the horrible massacre of the Vashta Nerada, cruel and cowardly. He could still hear the victims screeching disturbingly in his mind as they perished.

And on top of it all, his sheer stupidity, his weakness to stop his Regeneration process, thus getting a new chance at a life he didn't deserve.

It was completely unfair.

He exhaled a trembling sigh, with tears stinging his eyes.

Unaccustomed to this body, he clumsily tried to rise on his knees, but the Tardis was shaking so badly that he almost ended up face down on the floor again. He had to hold on to the console to stop himself from falling.

Most likely, the time machine was going to crash… but it didn't matter.

A lock of long and unruly brown hair dropped in front of his eyes and, instinctively, he tucked it behind his ear.

In that moment, he looked at his new right hand. First the palm, then the back. The cuts on his knuckles were gone. His skin was white and pristine, his fingers long and skinny. He saw the bloodied dent he had previously left on the console with that same hand, and thought of the pain he had unintentionally brought to so many people, across more than 2500 years and the whole universe.

"I-I am… I'm sorry," he whispered hopelessly.

Would he have the chance to stop apologizing, ever?

His voice now was totally different. Deeper. Softer. Younger. Much younger.

He shivered and lowered his sight, realizing that his clothes had burnt with his previous incarnation, leaving him practically naked, except for his trousers turned into tatters.

He was very tall, but overly pale and scrawny. Insignificant, just as he'd thought. For the first time in his life, he didn't have any interest to know his new face. If it matched his ridiculously juvenile voice, it surely was ugly, grim and full of pimples. He didn't deserve anything better, anyway.

"Please…" he begged. "I just… I just want to forget… Why can't I just forget?"

A sob caught in his throat, escaping in a strangled cry. Desperate, he ran his hands through his hair and dropped on the floor, closing his teary eyes.

"I can't take this anymore."

The Tardis shuddered around him once again, for a few seconds. Then, suddenly, there was a moment of calm and silence, like a hiatus in the Time Vortex.

He heard a soft buzz and a weak metallic noise.

When he opened his eyes, there was a silvery metal headpiece waiting for him on top of the console. It was as beautiful and apparently fragile as an elvish crown, and it held the small face of a wristwatch, right in the center.

"The C-Chameleon Arch?"

The Doctor bit his bottom lip as he took the headpiece in his hands. It felt oddly warm and inviting.

But this had to be a joke.

He couldn't help remembering the last time he used it… and Joan Redfern.

Yet another one of his mistakes.

That day in 1913, he just wanted to hide from some evil aliens that sought to rob him of his Time Lord life force. He was far from imagining that, by turning himself into a human, he would end up as a teacher in a boarding school and falling in love with a nurse. And she loved him, too. In his human mind, he actually pictured a future with her. A long, happy life. Children.

But the aliens had a different idea.

In order to defeat them, he had to change back into the Time Lord. And he fought with all his might to evade it, but in the end, Martha Jones and Joan herself managed to persuade him: Without the Doctor, there would be no hope, either for him, or anyone else in the face of Earth.

He did save the planet then, and the future for Joan, but in the process, he left both of them broken-hearted.

He asked her to join him in the Tardis, but she refused. For her, her beloved John Smith died the moment he became the Doctor.

Leaving her behind had been almost as hard as letting River Song go that sad Christmas morning in Darillium.

He swore he'd never use that damned Chameleon Arch again. He even dismantled it and threw the pieces somewhere in the entrails of his time machine.

But here it was, in his hands once more. A chance to escape, and to forget.

No one was waiting for him. No one would miss him. He didn't have any unfinished business.

Surely it would be better for the universe if, for once in his life, the mighty Doctor obeyed the Time Lords' rules and stopped intervening.

He swallowed.

It was an 'easy way out' and he knew it. If the elite in his home planet could see him now, they would reproach him for his weakness and cowardice, for a thousand years.

But none of them could know what he was feeling right now. How lost, how tired… how hopeless he was.

And most probably it would be a death sentence, considering how short and fragile human life was. The 'Time Lord Victorious'… the 'Oncoming Storm'… the 'Vessel of the Final Darkness' would probably end his life falling on the shower, or victim of food poisoning.

Wouldn't that be funny?

Without thinking about it any longer… he placed the device on his head.

For almost five seconds, nothing happened.

It was then when he noticed there was something in his pocket. Frowning, he put his hand in it, and when he brought it out, he was holding River's sonic screwdriver… miraculously intact.

Against all odds, her consciousness, along those of her dead friends and Charlotte Lux, were still stored there.

He gasped and tried to move as quickly as he could, to plug the object into the Tardis' data core.

In that moment, he felt something like an incandescent arrow going through his brain, blinding him with pain. He couldn't even scream. In his chest, his hearts were brutally crushed against each other… and then everything went to black.

At midnight on New Year's Eve 2005, no one in the City of Las Vegas questioned the spectacular line of blue light that crossed the sky behind the fireworks, or the unmistakable noise of a crash among the powder explosions and the music. They even applauded, assuming those were very well done special effects for the celebration. No one wondered either about a burnt blue timber shed, which appeared from one day to the next in a park behind a church in the suburbs. It simply seemed as if it had always been there.

Three days later, alone in an anonymous hotel room, a twenty-three year old newly graduated FBI Agent named Spencer Reid woke up screaming.

The rest was history.

-v-v-v-

After two or three minutes of complete stillness, Martha could feel the young man stirring slowly, starting to wake up. Having lost its power over him, the Chameleon Arch fell from his head, bouncing on the ground with a tiny metallic noise. He shivered, sighed and opened his eyes. When he looked at her, she saw recognition. She wasn't the British Agent from UNIT that Spencer Reid met this morning, anymore. Now, she was the companion, the friend that the Last of the Time Lords had known for many years.

The Doctor was back.

He blinked, putting his hand under his nose and feeling the moisture of blood on his fingers. He looked at it for a moment and then tried to clean it up absentmindedly with his sleeve, only managing to smear it.

Then, he gasped and sat up with his eyes open wide, grimacing.

"Oh, no…" he whispered, getting up frantically. Martha looked at him, bewildered.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

He ran his hands through his hair and started pacing around endlessly.

"No, no, no, no, no…"

Martha stood up, too.

"Doctor? What's going on?"

He turned around and looked at her. His eyes were moist. In them, she found the deepest sorrow, fear and regret.

"It was me," he said.

"What?"

"This is all happening because of me. It's my fault."

"What are you talking about?"

"Martha… it was me. River lost her life because of them and I wanted revenge. I wanted them to suffer the same way I did. I wanted to obliterate them. I wanted to kill everything. Everything. Even myself. But I failed. Turns out I'm not as good at blowing up planets as I thought, because I survived… and I wasn't the only one. When I destroyed the Library, what I truly achieved was... to unleash the Vashta Nerada into the universe."

-v-v-v-

TO BE CONTINUED.