Summary: "Because he was around way before ghouls became the next cool thing. Or how a cursed, immortal old man absolutely tips the balance in humanity's favor. As to his curse... maybe Naruto had sold a nation in a previous life?"

Pre-A.N0: Despite the 'humorous' summary, this is a serious story. Shamelessly inspired by Kraken's Ghost Twenty times Uzumaki Naruto didn't die.

Pre-A.N1: Okay, I've struck again. "Oh, another story? You haven't even finished one!" I know, I'm the lowest of the low. However, please bear with me. There are several reasons...

- First off, I'm neck deep in work and other stuff, so I have barely a few hours a week to write. Mostly the week end.

- About By Hook or by Crook: I have read some very good points about that story. And right now I'm taking them into account. So, there will be a revamp to turn the story into a real crossover, not the shabby thing it is. So I'll be keeping it somewhere while I try to rework it, but I have some real issue with blending two worlds together. The explanations I had prepared were shoddy at best too. So I'm reworking on all that whenever I have some time available.

In the meantime, I have prepared a little something which is more a try at blending two worlds together than anything else. I always loved immortal Uzumaki Naruto stories, so I've decided to try my hand at it. However, this one will be particular since the immortal Uzumaki Naruto will be old. Well what did you expect from a 100+ years old dude?

Besides, I've just wanted to write a Naruto - Tokyo Ghoul crossover.

Anyways, hope you will like it. I have the next chapter already done, but I'm still editing it. If you want it, I can always post it and edit it later though.

Without further ado...

Prologue : How do you make a child cry?

Muromachi Era - Konoha, Japan (~1500 A.D.)

After the fight against Haku and Zabuza, Naruto desperately wondered why the nine-tailed beast helped him defeat the ice manipulating prodigy. The answer he received was not the one he had expected.

"Thrice… Thrice I have been jailed. Thrice I have been denied freedom. You wretched creatures sought to make me a prisoner; now it's your turn... You will feel what it is like to be a prisoner. Jailed in your own body, never knowing release from the eternal torment you shall suffer through. And I will enjoy every minute of it..." With these foreboding words, the Kyuubi no Yoko fell silent and never uttered another word.

Naruto was chilled to the bone when he heard the beast say his piece. But as the years passed and nothing in particular happened he began to pay it less and less mind. A decade afterwards, it was naught but a fragment of a distant memory.

When his eightieth birthday came, he spent it surrounded by his family; his wife, children and grandchildren. Even though he was such an old man, he looked not a day over fifty. The benefits of having been born in the Uzumaki clan; one famed for its kinsmen's longevity.

The retired Seventh Hokage did not celebrate his ninetieth birthday. His wife - god bless her soul - had died a few days before the tenth of October, so he was in no mood to party and have fun. No, he was grieving.

He simply hoped the Shinigami would hasten to claim his soul.

His wish got granted when, a fine morning a few years after his wife's passing, his heart stopped beating.

Thus, the retired Seventh Hokage of the village hidden in the leaves, Uzumaki Naruto, died.

.

..

...

*Thump*

Blue eyes snapped open. Naruto choked on air as it rushed to his lungs.

He laid on his bed, dazzled. He could feel that something important had happened, but for the life of him he couldn't fathom what. He distantly heard a dark chuckle echo in the farthest recesses of his mind.

Days passed, which turned into weeks, months and years. More and more strange things continued to happen. His bones, instead of becoming brittle and frail, stayed sturdy as steel. His muscles remained powerful and defined (well, he did exercise on a daily basis). His reflexes were still top notch.

Still, he was just a man. Memories became fuzzier as time passed, until they completely disappeared. It shouldn't be surprising for a man as old as he was. He was a hundred and one, well past his prime, even though he didn't look the part. Still, he decided that going to see a doctor for a check-up was not going to hurt. What the astounded doctor told him after carefully examining him completely baffled Naruto.

A chakra-aided diagnosis revealed that the retired Hokage had not lost many neurons since his crowning as the Lord Seventh. To be more precise, he did lose neurons, but the next day the exact same number he had lost was recreated. A blank state, if you will. Furthermore, some parts of his brain seemed protected by potent red chakra.

The doctors were astounded and ecstatic. The possibilities this phenomenon offered were endless. Naruto was much less thrilled.

He avoided hospitals and doctors like the plague.

A deep feeling of unease washed over him in light of the recent revelation. The words spoken by the nine-tailed beast surged with the force of a tidal wave.

Naruto felt sick. Now he understood what it was talking about. Then overwhelming rage consumed his being. Eternal torment, huh? He'd show it eternal!

With a speed few humans could rival, he pulled out a kunai from a pouch strapped to his leg and stabbed himself in the heart. He fell to the polished floor of his dwelling with a dull thud. Only to rise again a few minutes later, screaming in frustration.

He tried to off himself in many different ways, but each time he was brought back to life. His more... rash attempts were stopped by the Kyuubi assuming temporary control of his body, dragging him back to safety. On one night, he flung himself down a volcano, and come the next morning, he woke up in his bed, with no idea of how he got there.

It was maddening.

After these failed attempts, he simply stopped trying. Not because he believed that he couldn't kill himself. With a frightening clarity, he conjectured that even if he did manage to die, the beast would bring him back, tearing him out of the Death God's stomach if it had to. Just to spite him.

A few days after his last attempt, he left Konoha. One day he was in his estate, sipping some tea from Rice country. The next, he was gone.

His wife was dead, his children were dead and his grandchildren were well past their prime. He had no wish to bury his own grandchildren.

He roamed the land, stopping in a few towns along the way, never staying more than a few days. He did not want to have any more acquaintances.

Naruto figured that, since he had a lot of time to spend on this earth, he may as well explore the world. So, he went further and further west. He travelled to Grass, Rain and Earth countries in a relentless quest to satiate his wanderlust. Or perhaps alleviate his boredom. Beyond the marshes of Earth country, he found many different civilizations and cultures. Most of them had heard of chakra and ninjas in passing but they were not gifted with bloodlines or understanding of ninja techniques.

After a few months of travelling, he finally reached the western border of Japan.

Now, to get on a boat...

Early modern period - Wallachia (~1600 A.D.)

Naruto was walking down a deserted, beaten path leading out of a quaint little village he had stayed in the last three days. It was nearly midnight, so nobody should be wandering down the dark road.

He had heard disturbing rumors about mysterious disappearances in the region. People suspected it was the work of nightly creatures abducting humans to eat them or sacrifice them in unholy rites.

He did not expect to find a teenager by the road, holding his stomach with his head bowed. His instincts screamed at him not to stop, but his heart was weak.

Stopping beside the teen, he hesitantly reached out to him. He laid a hand on his shoulder, making the teenager twitch. With a gentle voice, he asked, "Hey, are you okay?"

He was not fluent in the local language at all, but he could still make small talk if the topic was an everyday one. Still, it seemed the boy understood what he said since he looked up, locking eyes with Naruto. Naruto nearly took a step back in surprise. The boy's eyes...! His irises were red with a black sclera. The teen smiled from ear to ear.

Without further ado, the boy lunged, his hands digging into Naruto's shoulders while his wide open mouth closed in on his throat. Had he been a normal human, he would have fallen victim to the hungry beast. Naruto, however, was far from normal.

Without much effort, he caught the teen's jaw in one hand, stopping him from reaching the column of his throat. He pushed the boy's head a reasonable distance from his own and simply observed the creature with undisguised curiosity. It was certainly interesting.

The ghoul clawed at the hand holding him firmly in place, but it would not budge! He couldn't believe it! The boy knew that his strength far exceeded a human's, but this old man's strength was unreal. With little choice left, he used his Kagune. The predatory organ pierced the skin of his lower back, near his tail bone, taking the appearance of a serpentine tail.

Naruto whistled. That looked real handy.

"Lemme go, old man!" The youngster spat, swinging his Bikaku in a motion that would surely break Naruto's ribs if it connected with his side.

Naruto did the sensible thing any Shinobi worth his salt would do in such a situation. He tore the ghoul's head off its shoulders with a grunt of exertion.

He let the headless body fall to the ground with a certain amount of sadness. Taking someone's life was never an easy decision, especially if that person was not even a fully formed individual. However, it was either the ghoul or him, there was no middle ground. Furthermore, if he hadn't dealt with the boy, he would have certainly attacked other innocent bystanders.

Naruto heaved a deep sigh and shook his head, before assessing the situation. He should leave before someone saw him and the beheaded boy together.

A few handseals, a stream of fire bursting from his mouth and a body flicker later, Naruto was on his way to the next village. He let out a curse when he saw the state of his orange jacket.

"Fuck! My favorite jacket, 'ttebayo!" Naruto lamented, the verbal tick easily manifesting itself. Old habits die hard.

Modern period - Tokyo, Japan (~2000 A.D.)

A few things have happened in the last four centuries. It seemed these creatures have proliferated and become a real threat against humanity. The Elemental Nations had fallen, for some reason or another. They may have been invaded by barbarians who sought to eliminate the threat ninja posed. The mighty Roman Empire had fallen, so it came as no surprise that the age of ninja had long since become folklore. Still, it was something that Naruto could find no information about.

He had no wish to see if his descendants still lived to this day. Perhaps for fear of finding out that none had survived. Perhaps he had grown callous in his old age.

He combed his thick white hair to look presentable, but abandoned the idea when the spiky locks bounced back in place. Huffing, he adjusted the orange tie he was wearing, buckled the copper-buckled belt (well, it was close to orange) keeping his orange stripped pants in place and polished his shoes. He gave his appearance the once over, nodding appreciatively. He looked dignified.

He left his flat hurriedly. Well, he said his flat, but really he was living in someone's home. In exchange for bringing the landlady's children to school and helping them with their homework while she was at work, he had a room in the fairly big apartment and a relatively free reign with the utilities. It was not really that he had no money to afford his own flat. In fact, he could have bought a mansion if he wanted. You would have to be pretty daft not to make some heavy profit with Naruto's affliction and centuries to plan, work and invest.

The real reason was certainly simpler. Loneliness is a terrible weight. It was his burden, his cross to bear for having been born in the wrong circumstances. And did he just begin to sound like young Neji, the former fatalist prick? Shaking his head, he discarded these depressing thoughts. He had more important things to do than reminisce.

After a few minutes of walking/running, he reached his destination; an imposing building that warded off every ghoul in the vicinity: the CCG's main office. The glass doors opened as he reached the entrance, and he made a beeline for the receptionist.

"Hello sir, how may I help you?" The woman asked in a polite tone.

"Good morning. I'm here for an interview," Naruto said, handing her the paper he had been given when he had passed the physical fitness part of the test. He was supposed to meet with a certain Shinohara Yukinori.

The receptionist looked surprised but took it in stride, grabbing the paper laying innocently on the desk. She checked the information in the database and once she confirmed that he indeed had an appointment, she told him to wait here and that the designated investigator would be here soon.

Five minutes after the phone call she directed to the investigator, a well built man with a buzz cut hairstyle stepped through the RC-cells detector which predictably didn't ring.

He detailed surreptitiously Naruto's appearance, from the white hair to the slight wrinkles and the whisker marks, but he didn't look surprised, meaning that he certainly had looked at his file before coming. At least the bare minimum information, such as his picture. He held out a hand which Naruto shook firmly. Shinohara looked a little surprised at the strength of the handshake but then chuckled warmly as he released the appendage.

"My name is Shinohara Yukinori. I'll be your interviewer, Uzumaki-san. If you please..."

He waited for Naruto's nod before turning and going back to the section of the building he came from. Naruto passed the RC-cells detector which still didn't beep, not that there was any doubt. The trek was pleasant even though they remained silent for the most part.

Shinohara led him to a nondescript room, whose door he opened, indicating for Naruto to take a seat in front of a fairly big, organized desk. Then he sat on the comfortable looking chair opposite Naruto. A manila folder lay opened in front of him. He recognized his picture stapled to a sheet of paper so it must have been his file. The investigator took one look at the file before closing the folder.

He steepled his fingers in front of him while he observed Naruto for a few seconds. Naruto didn't look bothered by that, opting to also detail the man in front of him. He must have been pretty powerful; for a human that is.

"I mean no disrespect, but it is quite unusual to receive applications from men of your... age group." he finished uncertainly.

Naruto chuckled and resisted the urge to scratch the back of his head, "You are most certainly right, but a man's gotta eat. Unfortunately, I haven't saved up enough money to be comfortable and the only thing I'm good at is talking with my fists. If I can help defend defenseless citizens, that's always a plus."

Shinohara laughed, a sound which came from deep inside his belly, "You're pretty honest, aren't you? Rest assured, your answer is perfectly satisfactory. Your heart is in the right place."

Naruto felt a little guilty for manipulating the truth - okay, outright lying - to the earnest looking man, but he couldn't admit the truth that easily. Joining the CCG was the best way to gather information about the current worldwide situation. Plus, he had a far more selfish reason to want to join the organization.

"I see that you have passed the physical fitness portion of the external exam, now let's proceed to the psychological evaluation," Shinohara declared, pulling a notepad and a pen from a drawer.

The following thirty minutes were troublesome, to paraphrase a certain Nara genius. It reminded Naruto of having to sit through a tedious Kage summit with all the useless babble and having to be socially acceptable. How the hell was he supposed to answer 'Have you ever considered having sexual intercourse with a ghoul of either sex?'... Still, it was necessary.

"Everything seems to be in order, Uzumaki-san. We will let you know whether the answer is positive or not once we're done analyzing your application. To me, there should be no issue with you joining our ranks."

"I will look forward to it, then," Naruto said with a grateful dip of the head.

"Oh and one last thing. You might want to reconsider your particular choice of attire. The color scheme might be viewed negatively by the hierarchy." The investigator looked embarrassed by having to point out that tidbit of information.

Naruto genuinely laughed.

One month later

The Ghoul Investigator Training Academy was gruesome. Gruesomely boring and annoying, that is. It reminded him of his own time at the ninja academy. He couldn't skip the lessons though, it would be unbecoming of a man of his station.

He stifled a yawn as he listened to the relentless droning of the instructor, whose name he didn't care to remember. Only when she told them there would be a field investigator coming to demonstrate the use of various Quinque did he perk up.

The investigator in question was a young woman with a serious air but kind personality. She introduced herself as Mado Kasuka, a name he did make a note to remember, and soon afterwards opened the case containing the Quinque. It was a simple weapon, which resembled a katana of yore. She took it and with a nimbleness that was quite impressive wielded it, dancing with deadly grace around the classroom. She ended the demonstration by neatly bisecting an unoccupied table, making most of the students recoil in surprise.

On the teacher's desk, various Quinque were neatly laid out, waiting for someone to wield them.

Kasuka Mado adressed them, "You are going to chose any weapon and we are going to spar," cue the shocked gasps from the audience, "If I deem your performance acceptable, you will be drafted to the accelerated program, which will only last a year, instead of the usual two. Now, who will be the first?"

Unsurprisingly, nobody raised a hand. Until someone rose from his seat and with a grace that a man his age shouldn't possess strode to the desk and went to grab the one Quinque that caught his eye. Carefully weighing the weapon, he did a few experimental swipes in the air and once satisfied with the item he had taken, turned to face the field investigator.

Both of Kasuka's eyebrows shot to her hairline.

"You will face my katana with a... knife?" Kasuka couldn't keep the skepticism from her tone.

It was a weapon whose blade looked like an elongated diamond, with a simple grip wrapped in leather. It was pitifully weak compared to the instructor's weapon. It didn't look comfortable to wield. It looked like a kunai. It was perfect.

Naruto only bowed his head, saying "I'll be in your care."

Then he took his stance. Kasuka was once more surprised. The stance looked nothing like modern martial arts or kendo stances. Deciding to let the academy student take the offense, she simply took a defensive stance. It seemed Naruto acknowledged her intent since he nodded and prepared to meet his opponent.

Kasuka barely had time to react as Naruto bolted forward with the speed of the Shinkansen, or so it looked to her. His weapon came down in a tight overhead arc, meeting the raised katana of his temporary foe with a jarring force. She struggled against the oppressive strength of her opponent. It was like trying to weather a storm with an umbrella. She stumbled when all of a sudden, the weight was lifted; Naruto having stepped back.

Then the assault resumed, Naruto never leaving her any time to breathe. Her back collided with the wall. Without realizing it, she had been pushed back that far. Naruto's arm blurred and faster than she could blink, his weapon was embedded in the wall, a few inches off her left ear. Her heart was beating a wild tattoo against her ribcage; both at the exertion of the fight and the mere thought that a monster like the one she had been fighting could exist. Had it been a serious fight, she would have been long dead.

"It is a good weapon," said Naruto, leaving the kunai-like weapon a few inches deep in the wall. Nobody in the room dared take a breath after the frightening display of skill.

He went to sit back when he suddenly bended over, hands frantically clutching his chest. His breath was released in short ragged puffs.

'Is it your doing?' he mentally asked the Kyuubi.

'Do you know how to make a child cry?' the Kyuubi no Yoko mockingly answered. 'For once, this has nothing to do with me. Is it not your old age catching up to you?' with a dark chuckle, the immemorial beast fell silent once more. Naruto scoffed. As if he could believe anything the Kyuubi said.

"Are you alright?" Kasuka asked, worry shining in her beautiful purple eyes. She made to help him but he shook his head.

"I'm fine," he waved off her concern. Standing to his full height, he ignored the acute burning sensation in his chest as he sat back down in his seat.

The remaining spars went by smoothly and in the end, four students, including Naruto, were drafted to the accelerated program.

The Kyuubi's word echoed in his head as he absentmindedly rubbed his thorax.

Do you know how to make a child cry?

End of the prologue.

I am trying to avoid the pitfalls inherent to the immortality theme but it is an arduous journey. Heh, who am I kidding? I'm likely falling for nearly all of them.

A.N.1 : Explanations for the oddities about Naruto's body / Bullshit explanations pulled out of my ass:

Why does Naruto have wrinkles and white hair, but still retain strong muscles?

Now, we can all agree that the Uzumaki lineage gave Naruto some perks, like strong vitality (this is canon). Since he was a fetus, Naruto has been exposed to the Kyuubi's chakra. His chakra enhances the vitality to such an extent that it is not great vitality anymore; it is regeneration. As seen when he regenerated a lung torn by a Chidori (this is also Canon). As time goes, more and more of the Kyuubi's chakra gets assimilated inside his body (I believe this is canon, correct me if I'm wrong).

After decades of assimilation, the regenerative factor is so strong that it can heal fatal wounds in minutes.

Now, the Kyuubi can chose where to focus the regenerative power. He decided that focusing only on the parts vital for survival (the bones, muscles and brain) would be the best solution to keep Naruto alive. He doesn't care at all whether Naruto looks young or old. Though, truth be told, he prefers Naruto to look old to remind him that he should be already be dead, remind him of all he's lost, all this jazz.

Why does he have 'slight wrinkles' then? By your logic he should be an old prune by now!

I won't enter into any pseudo-scientific debate since it would be counter-productive, as I am no doctor or medical student. However, the main idea was that, when Naruto's heart stopped beating, the brain stopped being oxygenated. This being detrimental for its continued functioning, as it began to lose some functions, it decided that Naruto's body needed to be restored to a state where it could continue to oxygenate it. The state in question is the time before his death, obviously.

Thus, with the Kyuubi's healing power, it restored and kept the body in a state necessary for the brain's continuous functioning. That is why he will always look like he did the eve of his 'death'.

A.N.2: Well, wasn't that confusing? Also, keep in mind that this is a fiction.

A.N.3: Eagerly awaiting flames (bad writing, plot holes) and general reviews insulting me. It will keep me warm this winter.

Edit (12/11/16) : To my esteemed Guest, about the Bijuu.

First off thank you for your review. Sorry if you thought there were four chapters.

Oh ye of little faith. I won't go into any lengthy explanation but as you've both said there's not much of the story published yet. Plus there is a four centuries ellipse. If, when reading Harry Potter, in the first fifity pages it said how Harry resisted the death curse and explained the truth about the Deathly Hallows and all that jazz, I wouldn't have read the rest. I will try to follow a simple principle which is Show not Tell. I won't outright tell you what happened to them, I will show it to you. But it will require some time. When Naruto delves deeper into the mystery of the fall of the Elemental Nations it will be explained. For now, I will just say that such history is classified and as Naruto climbs the ranks in the CCG, he will eventually find out the truth.

If you feel that's too much of a bother, or having mystery linger about for several chapters is bullshit, you're free not to read the rest.

Sorry, maybe that came too harsh. I will sum up my thoughts by saying try to have some faith. I will also remind you that the story follows Naruto's experiences. Naruto doesn't know what happened to the Bijuu, so you don't either. Naruto will find out, so you will too.

My apologies if I sounded like a prick, it wasn't my intention.

To the most kind Everlasting Imperius : Naruto's relationship with ghouls will be ambiguous to say the least. He pities what he views as their curse but knows the necessity to protect innocent people from their wrath. His views may change when he encounters the Tokyo Ghoul gang or the Aogiri Tree. You shall see. Thank you for your review!