A small part of Umi had always enjoyed her study sessions with Honoka. Sure, Honoka wasn't the easiest to keep on task, and the complaining could get just a tad grating, but there was always a small bit of warmth to it when it was only the two of them alone in Honoka's room. It was just about the right balance of structure and intimacy to keep Umi from becoming a stuttering mess, while still being able to enjoy just a small bit of her love without any interference. And it offered an easy distraction for Honoka to keep things from going too far.
"Honoka, what did I just tell you," Umi admonished, pointing at the open notebook on the table. "When solving this problem you have to use this equation here."
"Ahh, it's so confusing," Honoka cried out, tilting her head back and running both hands up across her face.
Umi rubbed the bridge of her nose. "We've already been over this countless times."
"I know, but I still don't really get it. Plus, we've been doing this for hours. I think I deserve a little break."
"You will get a break once you can solve these problems." Umi pointed back down at the notebook, highlighting the areas the problems that Honoka had answered incorrectly. "It's only a couple of problems. It shouldn't take you very long."
"But I've been trying to solve these since forever and I can't get it," Honoka whined, plopping her head down onto the table and looking up at Umi. "Can't I just have a little break Umi, please? I think it'll help my brain work better."
"Once you solve these problems you can have a break. That's final," Umi answered, her voice firm and eyes lowered into a stern glare not leaving much room for argument. "So let's get back to work before it get's too late."
"Come on, just a short break."
"I said no Honoka, and that's that."
Honoka groaned loudly and buried her face in the notebook. "Kotori would let me take a break if she was here." The words were muffled into the paper.
The statement stung Umi more than she had anticipated. It wasn't the first time Honoka had said something to the effect of wishing for Kotori to bail her out of studying, but it was always accompanied by a small bout of nerves. Nerves that had become more and more pronounced as Umi began dating Honoka, but she could brush them aside for now.
"Well Kotori isn't here," Umi said, her tone harsher than before. "So you are going to finish these problems whether you like it or not."
"All I want is a little break. Is that really too much to ask for?"
"If I give you a break now, you aren't going to get back to your homework at all."
"You're so mean to me, Umi!" Honoka shouted, her head still buried in the opened notebook.
Umi's retort had died on her tongue as soon as she heard Honoka's response. How many times had she heard a similar phrase come from Honoka? She had lost count entirely, but this time felt different from every other. Honoka probably didn't mean anything serious by it and Umi could have just brushed it off as their usual back and forth, but hearing harsh words from someone you loved could hurt. Even with the best intentions.
"I'm sorry." Umi's voice was just above a whisper and her eyes downcast.
Honoka lifted her head to look at Umi. "What are you sorry for?"
Another, more pronounced, shot of pain went through Umi as she bit back her harsh response. Her apology had just been shot back in her face without any form of acknowledgment or understanding. Had Honoka really always seen her that way, she wondered. Even now that they had started to get closer and closer, was she nothing more than just the strict and overbearing Umi that Honoka had always seen her as. Had nothing really changed since Umi brought herself to confess? It hurt too much to think about, and she couldn't bring herself to be angry. Just sad at the possibility that Honoka didn't see her in the same way.
"I'm just sorry for always being so harsh on you." Umi swallowed down the growing lump in her throat. "You don't deserve it."
"You don't have to apologize," Honoka said, smiling. "I wasn't mad at you or anything like that."
"But you said that I'm always mean to you, and I don't want you to see me like that." Umi forced back a few tears. She hated how emotional she was getting over such a small thing.
"I'm sorry, Umi. I was just a little bored and I guess I said something stupid." Honoka's smile still held strong as she finished with a slight bow.
"So spending time with me is boring, then?" Umi cursed herself for her own childishness. It wasn't like her to be so petty, but her feelings for Honoka had a way of making her do and feel strange things. Even if those things weren't always the most helpful in situations like these.
"Of course it isn't," Honoka answered frantically, her arms flailing about in a panic. "Where would you even get an idea like that?"
"But you just said you were bored." Umi voice was quiet as she shifted her eyes away from Honoka, internally berating herself for her continued childlike pettiness.
"I'm bored because we've been doing this homework all day. It doesn't have anything to do with spending time with you." Honoka slid in closer to Umi, taking one of her hands into her own. "You know I love being around you all the time, Umi."
"You mean it, right?" Umi asked, her voice meek and mumbled. She felt a warm squeeze of her hand.
"Would I ever lie to you about something like this?" Honoka answered, her voice earnest and clear.
Umi felt reassuring circles being drawn on the back of her hand. "No, you wouldn't."
"And I never will. Trust me." Honoka untwinned their fingers and dared to snake a hand around Umi's waist.
"I know," Umi answered, doing her best to fight back the budding blush and the urge to sink to further into the affection.
Honoka scooted even closer. "You know you can tell me if something is wrong Umi. I am your girlfriend you know."
"Well." Umi stopped as soon as she began, her voice catching in her throat. Could she really tell Honoka what was causing these fears? Could she just come out and question whether Honoka felt the same way? It didn't feel fair to doubt her feelings after Honoka had been so gentle in comforting her, but it seemed the best shot at calming her jumbled and mismatched thoughts. "Do you really love me, Honoka?"
Honoka's eyes widened and her grip around Umi's waist tightened. "Why would you think that?"
"I am the one who confessed." Umi felt her heart sink when she caught a glimpse of Honoka's shocked expression. "I thought… maybe you were just going along with it."
"Umi," Honoka responded, her voice trembling and quiet. "Do you know how happy I was when I found that letter in my locker. It was such an Umi way to confess, but I was so happy that you felt the same way. I really do mean that."
Umi let her shoulders go slack and took a deep breath. "I know you do," she allowed herself to lean into Honoka. "I guess I just wanted to hear you say it, and I'm sorry for being so childish about all of this. You don't deserve to have your feelings questioned."
"It's fine. I actually really like it when you tell me stuff like this," Honoka cooed, rubbing her hand up and down Umi's back. "Because sometimes I think about stuff like that, too."
Umi's back stiffened and a rush of fear took hold of her. "What do you mean? Are you not happy with this? Did I do something wrong?" The questions were asked quickly one after the other, her voice was laced with panic.
"Well," Honoka mumbled, looking away and scratching her cheek. Umi leaned in even closer with wide eyes. "Sometimes I wonder if the way you love me is the same way I love you."
"Of course it is, Honoka," Umi pleaded. "I wrote you that letter and I even told you I loved you. Is that not enough?" Umi was panicking, trying to find anything to say to stop Honoka's doubts. She couldn't let Honoka feel this way, not after what they had just talked about. She didn't want to lose this.
"I know you did, and that really meant a lot to me." Honoka shifted her head back to face Umi. "But when I say I love you, I mean I want to touch you and kiss you. I want to do couple stuff and be romantic."
"W-Well so do I," Umi stuttered, her face fully flushed. "It's just really embarrassing for me."
"I know, but," Honoka said, sighing. Letting some of her pent-up frustration out. "You don't let me hold your hand when we go out. The only time you hug me or touch me is when I start it. And it's been months and we haven't even kissed yet. I just feel a little lonely sometimes, I guess."
"I'm sorry," Umi muttered. She could feel the exasperation in Honoka's voice and felt her stomach churn. Gathering what courage she could, she snaked her own arm around Honoka's waist and pulled her in closer, hoping to show just what she meant
Honoka smiled and relished the rare affection. "You don't have to apologize. I know how you are with stuff like this."
Umi tightened her grip on Honoka's waist. "I want you to know that I love you the same way you love me."
"I already know that you do."
"But you said that you get lonely sometimes." The words hurt Umi to say, she felt like a near failure for causing Honoka to think like that. She wanted to make sure these feelings were nipped before they could grow out of control. "You should never feel that way."
"It's really not that important." Umi was going to cut in, but Honoka quickly continued. "Sometimes I really want to kiss you, and I know that you aren't really comfortable with it. It's not that big of a deal, Umi. I know you'll need some time to get used to this."
Umi felt she needed to correct this and took in a deep breath. "Well, then you should k-kiss me now." She mumbled and stuttered, not able to so much as glance at Honoka's eyes.
"Are you sure?" Honoka gently asked.
Umi nodded, not able to fully verbalize any response.
"Really, it's fine if you don't want to. I don't want you to do something if you don't want to."
"But I do want to," Umi answered quietly.
"I love you."
Umi forced herself to meet Honoka's eyes, loving the way her love's blue eyes shimmered.
"I-I love you, too."
Umi watched Honoka slowly lean in and felt a caring hand caress her head and run gentle fingers through her hair. She fought back the urge to turn away and closed her eyes as Honoka's lips continued to draw closer and closer to her own. Slowly their lips made contact, the first kiss was clumsy and rough. Both slowly exploring, inexperienced lips felt out one another in a passionate showing a couple of months in the making. Umi found herself pushing herself closer and closer, the intimate contact being much more enticing than she had ever imagined. Honoka pulled away first and Umi slowly opened her eyes.
"So?" Honoka asked, her lips turning into a gentle smile.
Umi could see the expectation in Honoka's eyes and smile. "It was nice."
"I'm so happy you wrote me that letter," Honoka said, wrapping her arms around Umi and pulling into a tight hug.
"I'm happy you said yes." Umi smiled into another quick kiss.