"No" The scream I let out is blood curdling. My world is upside down and I can't do anything to change it. The feeling of helplessness is not something I can handle. I always have a plan and a backup plan. Being a mom means being prepared for anything. Extra clothes, snacks, toys, bandaids, you name it. Being in the hospital was bad enough. Now shots are being fired. 'What to expect when you are expecting' and the dozen other books did not cover this situation. I need to do something. I will not wait around doing nothing.

"My baby. Let me out of here." Gunshots in the hospital. This can't be. "Let go of me Christian." Christian won't let go of me. This is terrible. Crazy Hyde is running around the hospital and I am stuck in this room. I am thrashing around but the wall of muscle that is Christian Grey just holds on tighter.

"I hate you. Let go of me." I scream.

"I've got you. We will get through this."

"No! I need to get to my baby. Go back to being an ass."

I don't know how to process this. How can I just sit by quietly, maybe not quietly, while my son is in the same hospital as this madman?

"Ana, please stop. Hyde is looking for you. What would Jaxson do without you? You need to stay safe and trust the guys."

"The guys?"

"Yes the guys? Jaxson's avengers. They care for him and will do everything in their power to protect him. If that means they give their life they are prepared."

The guys, Jaxson's avengers. His heroes that would lay down their lives for him.

Jaxson is safe! Jaxson is safe! Jaxson is safe! Jaxson is safe!Jaxson is safe! Jaxson is safe! Jaxson is safe! Jaxson is safe! I can't stop repeating my mantra. I don't know what I would do without my baby boy. How did I get into this situation? I need to get to him.

"Shh, I will get you back to Jaxson. I won't let anything happen to either of you." I didn't realize I said that all aloud. Christian has been running one of his hands down my back. I don't know how long it has been since we heard the gunshots but we haven't heard from daddy, Taylor or the other guys. Sawyer and the other Guyana daddies men are still standing guard. Christian grasps my cheek and the sincerity in his voice is endearing. As I look into his eyes I can see that he too is worried. He loves my little boy too.

"Jaxson has to be safe. Don't blame yourself. None of this is your fault. This is all Hyde. He is crazy and should never have been able to get a gun."

"My baby had to have surgery, has been hospitalized, survived a fire and now is hopefully safely locked in a room while a gunman tries to once again kill him. I did this. I should have just quit after Hyde attacked me. Instead I put Jaxson in danger. Who does that? If being attacked by Hyde would have meant that Jaxson would be safe than I would gladly deal with it."

"Anastasia don't ever talk like that. You. Did. Nothing. Wrong." He enunciates every word. The fire in his eyes is unlike anything I have ever seen.

"I'm sorry. It's just, I feel so helpless. No mother can sit around while their child is suffering. It is in our DNA. We would gladly change places with our children if it spares them the pain and anguish."

Since I am still sitting on Christian's lap I can feel his entire body tense. Looking into his eyes it seems like he is lost in a thought. The pain he is feeling is reflected, such sorrow and fear. After a few minutes of silence I realize that he isn't just remembering something, he is reliving it.

"Christian what is it?" He doesn't answer. As worried as I am about Jaxson I can't ignore the anguish in his eyes.

I run my hands up his arms and turn my body so my legs are on the bed to his side and I am looking directly at him.

"Please Christian, come back to me."

With no reply I decide to go for broke. "Christian" I whisper as my hands move from his upper arms, to his shoulders, up his neck and hold on to his tense neck. I play with the fine hairs on the back of his neck. "Christian." I whisper once more. When he doesn't answer I gently press my lips to his. I can feel the jolt of electricity that has been there since we first met. Hopefully it is enough to pull him back to the here and now.

After a few moments I feel Christian's hand wrap around my back. He hasn't deepened the kiss but that spark is still ever present. It is like one of those kisses from middle school, no tongue but the it still leaves a mark. You always remember that first kiss.

Gently I pull back and look into steel grey eyes. No longer lost in a memory but somewhat confused.

"Hi!"

"Hi, sorry...I just, um."

I don't think I have ever heard Christian be unsure of himself. "Don't be, do you want to tell me where you went."

"If I don't can I get another kiss."I can feel myself blushing.

"Christian", I know he is trying to lighten the moment but I want to help. I can't if he doesn't talk. "Jaxson always feels better when he tells me what's wrong. I am great at listening."

"Pulling out the big guns are we? I guess if it helps Jaxson it should help me."

Before he can start to explain his phone vibrates with a text.

"That was Taylor. The littlest avenger is safe with the General but we need to stay in lockdown for a little while longer. He will be down to explain once they are all clear."

"The littlest avenger, that's so cute. I'm not going to lie, I won't really believe it until I can see him myself but it helps knowing that my dad is with him. Thank you for everything you are doing."

"I am happy to help. We are friends after all."

"Most definitely, I'm sorry for what I said earlier. Blame it on the medication, the adrenaline, fear, I don't know what. I shouldn't have said that I hate you and that you should go back to being the ass. I could never hate you."

"Glad to hear that."

"Let me make it up to you, how about you tell me what I said that made you zone out." After a few moments where he appears to being weighing his options he seems to have made a decision and starts to open up.

"You said no mother can sit around while their child is suffering. It is in your DNA, that you would gladly change places with your children if it spares them the pain and anguish. The crack whore, um...my birth mother didn't have that DNA. She sat around while I was abused by her pimp. I remember being thrown against a wall, kicked and punched. I have permanent scars from her lack of heart. I was reliving those burns, I can feel each one. The smell of burning flesh is not something I want to remember but during that flashback it was like I was that dirty, underweight little boy that was covered in bruises and burns. I could see her laughing at my tears and my pain. Usually she was so high she wasn't coherent enough to know or care. Where she was going to get her next fix is what was her priority. She called me maggot most of the time. It was clear that she never wanted me. I have wondered why she didn't just give me up for adoption or terminate the pregnancy. Usually I only think about all of this when I am asleep. The nightmares haunt me."

"You have nightmares?"

"Yes" I want to encourage him to continue but I don't know what to say. I continue to run my fingers through the fine hairs on his neck hoping my presence brings some kind of relief. After a few minutes he starts to speak again. It is evident that this is a very difficult topic.

"These past few days I have been thinking about my childhood. For some reason being around Jaxson has brought back all those emotions. Usually I would run from a trigger, instead I have been attached to Jaxson. I have tried to analyze all of these feelings that are completely foreign to me, both the good and the bad."

"I'm sorry you had to go through that. No child should feel unwanted and unloved. I can't tell you why your birth mother didn't put you up for adoption, that was her choice. Maybe she was too young, maybe she believed that she would be a great mother and things changed. You don't know what her life was like. Maybe something changed and she transformed from a caring mother into a drug addict. If she was like that when you were an infant the chances of you surviving would have been minuscule. I'm not saying what she did was right or that it justifies how you were treated. I am just pointing out that you don't know the whole story."

"I never thought about it like that. I suppose it is possible. I will never know what happened before I was born. I don't think I can forgive her for what she did or actually what she didn't do."

"Do you think I am a bad mother for allowing this to happen to Jaxson?"

"Of course not. That is absurd. This is Hyde's fault. You are a wonderful mother. You would do anything to protect your child."

"You know that now. What did you think about me when you first heard what happened before you spent any time with myself or Jaxson?"

"That isn't relevant."

"I disagree. What were your first thoughts?" At first it appears like he won't answer the question. Again it seems as though a great internal battle is being warged. Who will be victorious? Minutes later he speaks again and I feel as though I have been punched in the gut.

"Before I met and spent time with yourself and Jaxson I have to admit that I wrongly believed that the Gofundme page was a scam to get."

Did I just hear him incorrectly? Did he really just say that?

"You what, Jaxson is in the hospital. How could you? Do you think I am faking this?" I raise my bandaged arm in front of his face. "Did I fake these too?" I raise the edge of my hospital gown so the bruises and cuts are visible. I move my legs over and try to get off his lap but he holds me in place refusing to allow me to budge an inch.

"Let me go!" I shout as I push him on the chest. "How could you?" I thought he would say I was inattentive or that my choices brought this upon Jaxson and myself. I never imagined that he would think I was fabricating the whole thing. What must other people think?

"Anastasia, please listen to me. Give me a chance to explain. You just told me how great you are at listening to Jaxson's nightmares."

As mad as I want to be I decide that I shouldn't judge when I haven't heard him out.

"Okay, I'm listening."

"Grace is an amazing mother. She is my angel. She saved me but I still remember far more about my first four years than I care to. I have a handful of memories that my birth mother wasn't high as a kite and even those were just a few hours here and there. I remember the smell of weed and watching her roll a joint. I remember the festering skid marks up and down her arms. When I was given allowance for the first time I rolled up the dollar bills because I thought that is how it was supposed to be. I didn't know it was for something other than snorting crack. All of my experiences have imprinted on me and I truly thought that being too high to feed your toddler was normal. It took years of therapy for me to realize that she was not the norm. That she was not a mother and the monster that was her pimp was not how all men treated women.

When I first got the email about the Gofundme page I thought it was fake because I didn't know you. The only other Gofundme page I have looked out was when Elliot forwarded me a link for where the guy wanted to see the Super Bowl or something.

My first thought was that my birth mother would have set up an account if the internet had existed back then. I believe she would have even started a fire with me in it if she thought she could get more money.

I'm sorry that I thought you could be dishonest but you have to understand that it was more about me and my childhood and not you.

The way she treated me has left scars not just the ones on my chest and back. Scars that make it so I have a hard time trusting others. I don't let people get close, physically or emotionally. People are always trying to take advantage of me. Even my mothers best friend raped me.

As the days have gone by I could tell what an amazing mother you are. I knew that my childhood and Jaxson's have been completely different. It is a testament to what an amazing mother you are.

I could have left the hospital at any time. Sure my mother asked that I stay with Jaxson the first day but you know I don't do anything unless I want to. You pointed that out when I first came to the hospital. I could have paid someone to sit with Jaxson. I know you have a host of people that love that incredible boy but I had a connection with him. I didn't want to leave. I can't really explain it. Over the past few days memory after memory of my childhood would finds its way out of my subconscious. Some were Pre-Grey and some were after I became a Grey. Things I haven't thought about in twenty years. When I saw Jaxson alone in his bed asking for you I thought about myself in the hospital. When the child life team would help during Jaxson's treatments or explain his surgery I thought about being a scared little boy, alone, crying and screaming as person after person would touch my chest. How until Grace arrived nobody gave me a choice or explained what they were doing to my body. I know you are nothing like my birth mother. I also know that you had nothing to do with the Gofundme page. I am sorry I thought that you would endanger Jaxson but please know that was just my gut reaction. Other than that you are a beautiful petite brunette you have nothing in common with my birth mother."

I don't know what to say to all if this. I am trying to understand where he is coming from. I know that what happened with husband number three affected me but it was stopped before the worst could happen. My relationship with Carla was horrible growing up but I haven't let that turn me into a soulless hag. What would have happened if daddy hadn't gotten to me in time? What if I didn't have daddy all that time when Carla was neglectful?

"Please forgive me Anastasia. I don't want to loose you and Jaxson" I guess my inner musing has taken too much time.

"I will forgive you under two conditions"

"Anything!"

"So eager Mr. Grey. Don't you want to know what is the stipulation?

"Me. Steele I doubt it is something unreasonable."

"I think you need to tell Grace and Carrick the truth. Secrets always find a way to come out. I hate secrets and I don't want this hanging over our heads."

"They will hate me. I was a terrible kid. This will break my mother's heart."

"Christian, your birth mother may not have had it in her DNA to take care of you but Grace does. You will always be her baby. She might not know what happened when you were fifteen but I guarantee you that she knows something happened. They will never stop loving you. She may cry and be mad at herself for not catching it but she will not turn her back on you."

"Can I think about it for a few days? I will talk to Flynn and maybe we can talk about it."

"That's all I ask."

"What is the second condition?" Christian questions nervously. How bad does he think these will be?

"I would like you to continue to be in Jaxson's life. I feel like the worst mother ever. My baby is in the hospital under lock and key and I am not even with him. I don't want Jaxson to grow up resenting me for all of this. He lost everything he knows. His entire life has been flipped upside down. I don't know how long it will be until we are back together so I would like for what he does know not to change. That is you. You have been his rock these last few days. I don't want that to change."

"Really? I was so scared that you wouldn't want me near him once you knew about my past."

"Like I told my dad, your past is your past. All of your submissive were of age right?"

"Most definitely. Actually they were all over 21 and a few were older than I was."

"Nothing to worry about then. Just don't get any ideas about tying me up. A little bit spice added to a relationship is fine but I will not be calling anyone master."

"Wait, did you just say relationship?"

"If I'm not mistaken when I was unconscious you did say that you would love to take me out and have a redo of the date that never happened."

"I would love to take you out once you have the all clear from the doctors. You really are surprising Anastasia."

I have always hated being called Anastasia but the deep timber of his voice does something to me.

"May I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Why didn't you tell me that you remembered my confession to you?"

Well shit. "Um… I was going to tell you but how do you bring that up? I was so worked up about not seeing Jaxson and my little meltdown about being apart it slipped my mind. I don't usually break down like I did today. I'm sorry you had to see that."

"I can understand that. May I ask you something else?"

I only nod. I am feeling kind of stupid for not bringing it up. I am not usually one to shy away from being honest and open even it is about sex. I remember having conversation with dad about boys, sex, periods, birth control and even the difference in condoms. Dad wasn't exactly comfortable with the topics but he always wanted me informed. Women up Steele. Remember no running.

"I have never done this before. I know we haven't been on a date yet but would you be my girlfriend? I have never had one. Not only do I have that special connection with Jaxson; I can feel the spark between you and I. I have never been able to have this type conversation with someone. I was a royal asshole when Mia suggested that we go out. I can't apologize enough for my behavior. I promise not to behave like that again, well I'll try not to be an asshole again."

"You were an asshole but some of Mia's friends are social climbing sluts." Especially Lilly, she doesn't understand that spreading your legs for everyone that buys you a meal is not the way to find your happily ever after.

"Anastasia you're killing me."

" You might hate me when I am outside of these hospital walls. I'm not sunshine and roses twenty four hours a day."

"Anastasia you have already yelled at me many times and I haven't ran screaming yet."

"Are you sure you are not the masochist ? Maybe you should have ran for the hills. Shit I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that. I think the pain medications have robbed me of my filter." Seriously Ana?

"At one time I did feel like a masochist. I enjoyed the pain of the belt. It is what I thought I deserved and what I knew. I believed that I didn't deserve to be a part of my perfect family. Elena only enforced those feelings. If my birth mother didn't love me enough to save me than why would anyone else? I now know that isn't true. Each day I am learning more and more. While I have been at the hospital Flynn has been making me see that I am not the horrible monster she made me feel like I was. Actually he has been trying to get me to realize this for years. It has only been since I connected with Jaxson that I have been willing to believe it."

"I'm sorry, that was a careless comment. You have turned your life upside down to help me and my little boy. I truly appreciate everything that you have done. I should not have made a quip like that even if it was in jest." I feel ashamed for even thinking that, let alone voicing it. I am looking at my fingers on my lap. You are better than that Ana. Two strong fingers push my chin up so I am looking into the most beautiful steel grey eyes. I don't see a hint of anger.

"Hey, relationships are about communicating right? I can't promise to get this right but I promise to try my best. I don't believe that you were trying to be hateful. You were making a joke and if you didn't know about my past it would have been completely innocent. We still have a lot of things to learn about each other. Please don't beat yourself up about this. After spending so much time with Jaxson I know that you are a caring, loving, brilliant, and generous person. I would be honored if you would be my girlfriend."